The Price of Fame

So here I am, taking a break from studying (if you can actually call what I've been doing STUDYING)... ate a light snack, surfed the net, when I came across some news, one regarding a certain international actress who's birth is imminent. Yeah, I'm aware that Angelina Jolie is about to give birth soon, I don't live under a rock, you know. and besides, it's practically bannered on the Yahoo! homepage.... so why am I being defensive here?! hehe.

Man, It must be hard being famous ---despite the fame, the money, the glamour, and all that sweet stuff. There are a lot of drawbacks, mostly pertaining to privacy, and that includes health care. Sometimes you'd wonder if losing privacy is worth all that fame and fortune. For crying out loud, even when you're about to give birth you'll still be worried about photographers and journalists hounding you?! Based on my own experience, anonimity is one of life's great benefits. The right to privacy is one of those rights that make you feel free. I'd probably die if i lose that. Several times the offer has been dangled on me (i refuse to elaborate on that. haha), all that money is tempting after all--- but no amount of money can compensate for the loss of privacy. Here's one instance: Whenever I feel blue, or whenever I need to cool off, i take what I call a "jeepney ride to nowhere"--- riding a random jeepney, and getting off where the driver's route ends. In a strange way, it gives me peace of mind, just sitting back, looking at unfamiliar places, watching how strangers interact with one another, immersing myself on the local colour... weird, i know. hehe. But my point being--- Can you imagine a celebrity doing that?

The media and laymen are not the only ones guilty of not honoring a celebrity's right to privacy. Health care professionals are guilty of that too (now I have to watch my back, a lot of health care professionals have probably added me to their death lists for exposing that well guarded secret. LOL). It's not really that surprising--- doctors, nurses, and virtually all workers employed at your local hospital are people too. They also exhibit interest, whether they admit it or not, in the lives of famous people. How else can you explain how fast news such as "a certain celebrity has entered the hospital premises" can spread on all corridors of a hospital? much more when a celebrity gets admitted. Depending on the level of a celebrity's fame, all details of his or her admission would be known to all employees--- so much for the right to privacy. Too bad for those who are supposed to undergo an embarrassing operation (like this TV host). The very next day, some nurses and interns have made him an object of ridicule. And how about this sexy star/ comedian on the rival network? She was scheduled for cystectomy at another hospital.... one of the most prestigious private hospitals in the country. You'd think with all the money she spent at the hospital, they would've given her everything. I guess she got everything--- except privacy. The very minute she became unconscious, the operating room was packed with male interns, nurses, residents, and consultants. Pictures of her breasts are still being passed from cell phone to cellphone up to this day. What she doesn't know won't hurt her--- that's what they all said. So much for QUALITY hospital care that each hospital professes. Apparently, quality doesn't necessarily include privacy, at least if you're a famous person.

Not wanting to sound hypocritical here, but it is appaling to have health care professionals behaving like this. Giving in to human nature is not an excuse. Patients trust us, they expect us to honor their right to privacy. And because they give us their trust, it's easier for us to exploit them, and that makes the act even more disgraceful. It's like kicking a person when he's down. Honoring a patient's right to privacy is part of the oath that all physicians take--- but how many can actually honor that oath? honestly?

Still, even if a physician honors a patient's right to privacy, you can be sure that there's at least a single nurse, or medical technologist, nurse aid, janitor, or any hospital employee who won't give a famous patient that right--- It's hard to fight human nature after all. The only place celebrities can get health care that honors their right to privacy would be in a place where they are considered non celebrities. For local celebrities, they can just go abroad--- even a simple acne can start those tongues wagging after all. And when they come back home, nasty rumors are sure to start. And those people famous internationally? I pity them even more. Come to think of it, it's not really their fault that they're famous. They may be well known as actors, models, artists, singers, etc... but it is the ordinary people who are making all the commotion that seem to go hand in hand with fame. And it is also the ordinary people who are devouring every information they can get, like predators pouncing on their prey. Can't these people just serve to entertain, without all the fuss and intrusion from common folks? Just because we put these people on the spotlight, that doesn't give us the right to know every single detail of their lives. As I've said, I pity those international "stars" even more. They'd be hard pressed to find a place where no one would mind them. They'd have to exert extra effort since what was once a God given right has become a privilege. Maybe Namibia isn't such a bad place after all.

Baby Steps

Man, oh man, oh man...

I started studying for the board exams today--- wait, let me rephrase that. I attempted to start studying for the board exams today, and what an unsuccessful attempt that was! After 3 whole pages (just 3 freakin' pages!!!), I fell asleep. Guess I'm not used to studying anymore. And to think I was used to doing all-nighters! On the bright side, I've finally found the cure for the insomnia that's been hounding me for years. hehe.

At this rate, I'll be finished studying by the year 2008. Hooray for me.

Better pick up the momentum---- fast. August is just a little more than two months away.


*thinking pensively*


Of course, there's the option of taking the boards on February, but I don't want to be left out by my peers. They're all taking the exams this August.

Better stock up on large amounts of caffeine, then.

The Last Stand

X-Men the last stand opened in local theaters today, 2 days before the US release! And as I've said before, I really had to see it on the first day. It had such a great sense of urgency. hehe. We got seats on the last screening though (11PM!) because a lot of over eager moviegoers already hoarded seats for the earlier screenings. I know, look who's talking. hehe. I guess I'm just bitter they beat me to the earlier screenings. LOL.

With the great deal of anticipation that I had for this movie, I was ready to praise this movie to high heavens even before I've actually seen it. I guess what happened was the classic case of having too much expectations...

First of all, I still loved the movie. It's a great addition to the franchise. I still recommend it. It's just that... X2 seemed to be better. The third x-men movie seemed to be at par with the first. The story seemed to be of epic proportions: a cure for mutancy, which can greatly alter the course of history (at least in the x-men universe). It was one of the greatest stories in the x-men comics, and it's a shame that they had to fit it in less than two hours. That storyline deserved more screen time! Add the phoenix saga, which is an epic story in itself--- it seemed like a sin to devote very little screen time for both stories.

That's one of the few things I didn't like about the film. Why did they have to make The Last Stand the last X-men movie, when there's clearly a huge existing fan base? They could have filmed the phoenix saga first, then the mutant cure for a fourth movie. As a result, with everything crammed in less than two hours, there's not much room for character development. And the story seemed rushed. You'd expect more time showing what the mutants felt when given a chance for a "cure". That's why I expect that this movie will receive a lot of bad reviews from critics--- they're looking for character development and all that fluff after all. That's one of the things that separated the X-men movies from other superhero movies, which were mostly all effects and no heart. We had Bryan Singer to thank for that.

and this might be nitpicking... but with the way the story progressed, I seemed to be rooting more for magneto's brood during the final confrontation instead of the x-men. I understood their cause. Shouldn't I be rooting for the x-men, since they're supposed to be the heroes in this movie? or was it just me?

Still, there are really good moments that make you stare in awe. Like when ______ died (I don't want to be a spoiler, since I hate reading spoilers myself. hehe). Even better when _______ died! like---WOW! let me say it again----WOWOWOW!!! what an incredibly intense sequence! (but wait, he didn't really die. Wait until after the credits and you'll see what I mean. There's another short scene!). And that final scene wherein they made the phoenix angry! woo-hoo! wished she destroyed a whole lot more though... maybe the whole San Francisco area. hehe.

But with so many characters dying, it seemed that they really closed the book on the x-men franchise---- maybe. If this movie makes a lot of money, I think they will make another one. Maybe X-men: the new breed or something. It's just that with they way they did the third x-men movie, it would seem difficult for them to create some sort of continuity between this movie and a possible fourth. It's a shame, really. There's so much more stories in the X-men universe to explore.

The x-men franchise will forever be etched in film history, because there always seemed to be a deeper story underneath. There's always symbolisms, and these are still present in The Last Stand. Above all, beneath all those bells and whistles, beneath all those effects, there lies social relevance, in the guise of a summer popcorn movie. You can replace the mutants with any group in the minority, those who have experienced discrimination and persecution--- be it religious sects (being a moslem in a catholic nation), homosexuals, those branded as nerds or geeks in school, those who are disabled, those with diseases such as aids, etc. Many people can relate to these movies, and the impact has been tremendous. This just shows that you don't need to wrap messages such as this in an oscar nominated snorefest, they can be showcased in a film that ordinary folks find interesting.

By the way, Famke Janssen (Jean Grey) looks so hot in this movie! She looked old in the first two movies, and the guy playing cyclops looked really young, which made her look even older. and I didn't find her hot at all. But in X3--- WOW! maybe it's the long red hair... or maybe because she's evil this time. We all know that evil, bitchy girls seem more attractive at times. ;) hey, i thought she was hot as a crazy lunatic wife in "The House on Haunted Hill". (which, by the way, would have been a good horror movie if not for the extremely horrible climax near the ending)


Oh yeah, I've seen Over The Hedge yesterday. And I was right, it really is a very funny movie! Thry should put it in the Funny Hall of Fame, if there ever was one. hehe. Even with all the cute characters, I guarantee it's not just for kids. Hey, even Maxim Magazine highly recommends it... and they thought The Da Vinci Code sucked bigtime. Sometimes, I trust their reviewers more than critics, because their reviewers are common people like you and me, as opposed to artsy fartsy critics who think their level of judgment is way above everyone else's.

I'm getting really off topic here.... hehe.

The day I've grown weary of death

When one works in a huge government hospital such as PGH, you'd get used to see people dying everyday. Two years ago, when I was still a medical clerk--- that was when I witnessed a patient dying for the first time. I watched as the resuscitation team tried to revive him, but after 20 minutes, resuscitative measures were stopped since the patient remained flatlined. The feeling was hard to describe--- it was an odd mixture of excitement, curiosity, fear, anxiety, pity, and sadness. I did not know the patient personally, nor did I know the relatives, so that feeling of sadness was short lived. Still, the moment was unforgettable. It's like being a spectator, watching God's work in this theater we call life. As much as the joy I've felt upon witnessing for the first time a baby being born, upon witnessing a human being begin his life--- I felt as much sadness as I see through my own eyes how a person's life is taken away from him.

In the hospital where I spent most duties during clerkship (we rotated at several hospitals then), we didn't have as much patients as PGH--- maybe there's less than 1/3. That's not necessarily a bad thing. We got to learn more about our patients, we had more time to study about their cases, and because there are fewer of them, we got to know them better--- so much, in fact that i still keep in touch with some of them, and I considered them as my friends. A patient even told me once that she considered me part of their family.

With the degree of closeness that I had with my patients and their families, you could imagine the sadness that I felt when I first witnessed a patient of mine dying. It's like having a family member pass away. You feel your world crumbling. You're willing to do anything to prevent that from happening. I was one with the family's sorrow. As clerks, we used to kid around that we didn't want the patients assigned to us to die because we didn't want to make a death protocol, which was very tiresome to make since it is a legal document. But deep inside, we knew it was more than that. We didn't want to lose someone whom we considered as part of our family.

As with anything you experience too often, the excitement I first felt when I was part of the team reviving a patient began to wane. Resuscitative measures became just work--- emergent and vital, but it was still work. It is a part of our job, with the excitement slowly disappearing. The sadness remained, however, each time we failed. Sadness for the patients and their families, and also sadness because we can't help but feel like failures, even though we knew that we did everything that we could do.

Upon internship, the excitement and feeling of urgency of resuscitation was almost gone. We didn't just have patients dying everyday---- we had MULTIPLE patients dying everyday. DEATH became tiresome, so ordinary, so boring. Resuscitation became tedious, but we all knew we still had to do it properly, it was part of our job description to save lives after all. But as I look at my co-interns and residents, as well as the nurses, it was evident that they were feeling the same was that I was feeling. Reviving a patient seemed to be a generic job, not similar to writing charts, inserting IV lines, doing blood extractions. It seemed like just an ordinary job that we have to do. Gone is the excitement I used to see in everyone whenever a patient is said to have "coded", wherein the room comes alive, bursting with tension and enthusiasm, when every single person in the room becomes very animated. After resuscitative measures are done, whether successfully or unsuccessfully, everyone goes back to what they were previously doing, as if nothing happened.

The loneliness I used to feel whenever a patient of mine dies seemed to have vanished also. Since we were given so many patients at a given time, I rarely have time to get to know my patients and their families. Sure there are rare occasions when patients are admitted for a very long time so I eventually get to know them. But most of the time, because of so many things to do, I just do the orders. By the time we get things done, it's already time to go home. There's rarely time for bonding with patients. When my patients die, I no longer feel sad--- the very same way one doesn't really feel sad when a stranger dies. One may feel some fleeting pity, or one may be shocked, but he won't be that affected, as opposed to having a family member or a close friend die.

In a way, that's a good thing. It's common knowledge that doctors shouldn't get too attached to their patients, else it could jeopardize their work, especially with the way they deal with their other patients. Still, if we don't get to form a bond with our patients, the humane part of being a doctor disappears. It would seem like we are tinkering with machines, and not with people. After treating a patient, successfully or unsuccessfully, we just move on to the next patient to get our day job done. Being humane is an integral part of a service oriented profession. Without it, it would be erroneous to call ourselves good doctors.

Before internship ended, I got to know two of my patients very well, including their families. I guess it's because they were admitted at the wards the whole time i was assigned there, unlike my other patients who were admitted only for a few days. During my last week of internship, I looked forward to seeing those patients and their families, because it was as if I was visiting a family member or a good friend whenever I talk to them. I guess that shows that we can still be humane even in the most toxic situations. I'll be going to PGH later this week to fix some papers (clearance, etc.). Before i go home, I have to see those ex-patients of mine to see how they're doing. Maybe chat with them for a little while. It won't feel like work... it's like seeing an old friend, and like coming home to family after all.

ONLY IN PGH !!!

I was about to turn off my notebook when I remembered I've mentioned in my post yesterday that I'm going to upload some of those interesting cases I've mentioned--- so here they are. Makes me thankful that someone thought of inventing a cellular phone with a built in digital camera. hehe.

First, here's a view of a typical night at the PGH Emergency Room--- where most of the action takes place.

Kinda looks like a marketplace with all those people. It's not always that hectic though---at times, patients come one at a time. There are even miraculous times when no patients come at all--- though those instances can probably be counted with the fingers of one hand. hehe. It doesn't help that whenever a Filipino patient has financial difficulties, PGH is the first hospital that comes to his mind. We have a lot of patients coming from as far as Mindanao! Due to the lack of room and equipment, we often have to turn patients away, referring them to other government hospitals where they can be given the medical treatment that they need. That's why the triage area is very vital in PGH--- and often, that area is the scene of many dramatic, sometimes violent encounters between the triage officer and patients wanting to get in. It's a sad fact that we have to turn patients away, especially if they came from some far away province, or if it's evident that they can't afford the expenses at other hospitals... but it's something that has to be done. If we admitted everyone, those who really need treatment would be greatly decompensated. Those patients that we have to refer elsewhere can't seem to understand that fact, resulting to violent reactions. It's common to hear relatives of patients shouting they'll report as to the media. What good would that do? If there's really no room or no equipment and instruments left, they won't get admitted. We can't send admitted patients out just to accomodate them. If reporting us to the media would result to more funds for PGH, then well and good. But we all know that's not the case. At the triage area, one needs to develop a heart of steel.

Enough of that already. hehe. Here's some ER cases that I've only seen in PGH.

WARNING: this is not for the faint hearted.


The patient pictured below has a rather peculiar history prior to his injury. You'd think it was funny actually, if you didn't see what happened to him afterwards. Few hours prior to admission, the patient was holding on to the bumper of a truck, when the truck suddenly started moving, he held on to the bumper, his face continuously in direct contact with the pavement for a few seconds while the vehicle was moving. Upon admission:


notice the extremely swollen, edematous lips. Also notice how his nose was almost falling off. As a side note, look at how relaxed he seemed, despite such massive injury. :)

There was a funny anecdote regarding this patient, I just don't know if it's true. After the patient's successful operation, he went to the out patient department after a few weeks for his scheduled follow up. The patient apparently complained that the surgeons were not able to restore his former appearance. Uhm... O--kay...

Here's a patient with a neck mass. Masses this big are rare in other hospitals since patients usually seek consult when the masses are not this large. In PGH, it's common to see patients with a 10 year history of a gradually enlarging neck mass, usually those coming from provinces. No meds. No consult. Few hours PTC, patient experienced dyspnea, thus this consult. Er--- so if he didn't experience difficulty of breathing, he won't go to a doctor at all?


This patient had a huge laceration on his neck, a result of driving a motorcycle while he was drunk--- another common mechanism of injury you'd hear while on duty at Surgery ER. Good thing he was not decapitated.


From the ER, let's move on to the Department of Pediatrics. I have a lot of pictures of pediatric patients. I mean, let's face it--- even though some people turn out to be--- er, not so good looking when they grow up, as children, most people look adorable. hehe. That's why my camera phone was extra busy during those two months, I had to buy another memory card.

I didn't really like my rotation in Pediatrics that much, because parents are so over protective of thier children. That's understandable, but it gets pretty annoying when you've been working so hard and you feel so tired and those parents can't seem to understand that what you're doing is for their children's sake. When you'll get blood from their children, which can be very difficult in Pedia patients due to their extra small veins, they get mad at you for HURTING their children. Is it too hard to understand that what you're doing is for their kid? And it's not like we're enjoying doing multiple blood extractions on their children. We actually feel bad if we don't succeed on the first try. If they don't want needles pricking their kids, why have them admitted in a hospital in the first place?! And in the pedia ER, just thinking of triage duty gives me a headache. Most of these patients are having financial difficulties, yet they go to the ER during the wee hours of the morning, during such an ungodly hour, because their child has a cold. no fever, no cough, just a cold. Only a few hours duration. I thought you'd only see that in private hospitals, wherein patients go to the ER for such trivial complaints. But no, when it comes to their children, even parents who are not financially well off develop the "PAY HOSPITAL SYNDROME". ANd many times, you'd see parents who already brought their kids to some other hospital few hours prior to consult at PGH ER, where antibiotics were already prescribed. They'd say they brought their kid to PGH because the medication is not working. D-OH! antibiotics don't work within a few hours! It's not some magic potion! You'd realize patient education is really really REALLY important.

anyway, here's one interesting case I've encountered in pedia ER. I can't remember the exact diagnosis, but if i remember correctly, our resident said the patient had an intact ethmoid sinus, so fluid was draining continuously, resulting to the malformation seen.


In the wards, there were a lot of interesting cases. A lot of babies had "big heads"--- I can't believe how many babies had hydrocephalus. My favorite patient also had a big head, but he had a different disease. I don't think I was his favorite though, because he kept crying whenever I was approaching. hehe. He had a form of brain tumor (I forgot the exact diagnosis again!). I think he already died a few months back. We sent him home because there was no more cure for his condition, it's better if he spent his last days at home. Really sad.


Here's an interesting ward case, a child with osteogenesis imperfecta. notice the flattened elbows and knees.


Here's an interesting case in the out patient department. You'd usually see people with hydrocephalus when they're still babies, and if they survive and eventually grow up, their heads are already normal sized because a shunt was already made. Imagine my surprise when this 16 year old girl walked through the door...

Sorry i can't get a better shot, a consultant was interviewing the girl. hehe.

As a pediatrics intern, we go on solo duty at the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). Out of boredom, I took pictures of several patients. You can't help but feel pity just by looking at their condition...



One of the most exciting parts of Pediatrics rotation is the nursery duty, where babies are brought immediately after they are delivered. This is where resuscitative measures are done. Here's one baby who had four legs upon delivery. Apparently, she was supposed to be twins, but something wrong happened upon their development in the mothers womb (I'm not really in the mood for some lengthy discussion regarding the pathology, so I hope the term "wrong" would suffice. hehe).


Here's a baby with anencephaly--- born with little or no brain tissue. They usually last for only a few hours, but this baby was brought to the NICU, and although we didn't do anything, she survived for 4 whole days!


Here's another baby with anencephaly, but with more brain tissue. Also notice how she is more developed than the first baby. Her facial features are mostly developed.

When she was born, there was a new policy stating that anencephalic babies should no longer be brought to the NICU. Nothing is done to them anyway because there's no way they'll survive... unless someone's doing brain transplants these days. They'll just save the space in the NICU for babies who have a chance of surviving. So the baby was sent to her mother, at bedside. naturally, the mother freaked out--- but only initially.

OB-gyne rotation was also interesting. Here's one of my patients. She had a malignant Ovarian New Growth. Look how massive her abdomen was! Upon opening, we discovered that the ovarian growth wasn't really that big. What caused the massive abdominal enlargement was ascites. 14 liters of bloody peritoneal fluid was drained!


The patient was already weak to begin with, plus there was a lot of blood loss. The decompression of her abdomen also created problems with her blood pressure. She died a day after the operation. I remember a few minutes before anesthesia was administered, when she was still awake, she told me she wanted to get cured.SHe told me that she wanted to go to the hospital a few months back, but no one brought her until she became very weak. SHe was also seen at the OPD initially, but wasn't admitted immediately because her situation was not considered emergent at that time... And to think that was only a few days prior to her admission. She asked if she would survive. Though I did not want to give false hopes--- I knew she had a very bad prognosis--- I still said YES. I did not have the heart to tell the woman, who had such a yearning to survive, that she was, most probably--- going to die.


This is turning out to be a sad post; initially I wanted it to be a "happy", "carefree" post.... I have some more OBgyne patients, but I think those pictures are for mature audiences only.LOL. Though those pictures portray diseases, some perverted minds may still derive pleasure from them... I wouldn't want to turn this blog into a porn blog. hehe.

Will the real slackers please stand up?

My previous post regarding my internship in PGH made me think about other things. When I mentioned how toxicity is so overrated in PGH, I remembered how the issue of "slackers" (the lazy people, those who don't work, those who are often absent, those who don't help around, those who just sit around) always seems to come up. And whenever it comes up, it tends to create this great divide between UP interns and Post graduate interns. I'm glad in our group this seldom becomes an issue, but it is a cause for many arguments in other groups. Knowing how worse conditions were for us as clerks in USTH, I doubt if any of my 13 schoolmates can be accused as being a slacker--- okay, except for one, but as his close friend, I know he has a valid reason. hehe. Okay, and except for another one, but she's been known as a slacker since her first year in med school. How she got accepted in PGH for internship, I'll never figure out.

*shrugs shoulders but with a knowing smile*

anyway, the rest of my schoolmates think life in PGH is like a paid vacation. That's why we often wonder what's with all the complaining, and what's the deal with reshuffling schedules so everyone would have equal toxic and benign shedules, equal holidays, half days, and weekend duties in the end (they never really equalize anyway)? And knowing how those post graduate interns from UE had worse experiences during their clerkship compared to ours, i doubt if they'll be the ones "slacking" around. Stories from PGIs (from now on post graduate intern = PGI, it's getting tedious typing those 3 words)from De La Salle also seem to show that they're having a less toxic time in PGH. That's why I'm always defensive when PGIs are accused of being lazy, when they are called slackers. I agree it's possible for them to slack, we can't generalize after all. Maybe one PGI had suffered from burnout during clerkship, and now chooses to be lazy... or maybe there's a med school where they had an easier time during clerkship compared to their internship in PGH. But I've worked with many PGIs, and I can say I haven't seen any of those so called PGI slackers. if there are any, I can't think of any other explanation for their behavior, besides those two reasons I've stated above--- unless, perhaps, they are lazy to begin with. Their laziness could be an inherent trait, which has nothing to do with being a PGI.

So who has the tendency to slack, then? I hate it when UP interns seem to have this predilection to endorse to those students in lower years that some PGIs have a tendency to be slackers, as if it was some word of caution. For crying out loud, who has the tendency to slack, anyway? Those who have a less toxic time during clerkship compared to internship! And most of them are UP interns! They may take offense, those who feel so superior and intelligent just because they are UP medicine students (I'm not generalizing, but there are a number of them). FYI: Just because one is intelligent, that doesn't mean that person can't be lazy. And based from my personal experience, I have not encountered a slacker PGI. The slackers I've encountered--- those who are often absent, those who don't do much work, those who avoid work, those who rarely help, those who keep on disappearing are--- surprise, surprise!--- UP interns! Again, I'm not saying they are the slackers. Majority of them are very hardworking. And I'm sure there are lazy PGIs out there, I just haven't worked with them. I'm saying we shouldn't generalize. I really hate it when some of UP interns point to PGIs as slackers. Before they do the finger pointing, they should look at their own group first, because based on my experiences during internship, there are more slackers there.

I remember a few weeks after internship started (this was June 2005 if I remember correctly), the PGH administration had a meeting with all interns. When the hospital director asked if there are any complaints, most PGIs were quiet. The UP interns were the ones doing all the complaining! Like this girl with dyed hair, complaining that a resident scolded her. She asked if what actions she can take in retaliation. I looked at the reactions of the PGIs and all were smiling at each other. I know what they were thinking, because i had the same thoughts. We suffered much much worse during our encounters with residents and consultants during clerkship, so what was she complaining about? Residents in PGH are really nice compared to those in some other hospitals. And even if they weren't nice, shouldn't you just accept the scolding, being one of the lowest creatures in the medical hierarchy? If she's feeling all superior, that she can't be scolded, then she's in the wrong profession! Such attitude has no place in a profession based on service. Besides, I don't think a PGH resident would just scold an intern or any student if he or she has no valid reason.

Then another guy, an obnoxious, annoying, attention seeking gay UP intern complained that residents ask interns to follow up labs, he'd rather spend the time observing patients, learning about patients, blah, blah, blah. yadda yadda yadda. What does he think he is, anyway, some paying spectator? An audience in a medical play? An intern is part of the hospital work force, and being one of the lowest in the hierarchy, often the most menial labor is given to them. Learning while doing all those work is his or her own responsibility. He or she should find the time to broaden his or her knowledge. The director's response was a classic. "Even at my old age, I still follow up the laboratory results of my patients. I still monitor them. How can you complain about those things so early in your medical career?". Again I looked at my fellow PGIs. Everyone was shaking their heads in disbelief. These interns studied in UP for crying out loud, they should exude humility, not pride, arrogance, and superiority. And most PGIs looked up to them during the start of internship. How can they behave like spoiled brats?

But you know what sucks the most? It's bad enough that the slacker image is branded on PGIs by some UP interns. It's worse when hospital administrators do this as well. A day after his meeting with all the interns, the hospital director met with the previous president of all interns. The hospital director told him, "The PGIs this year are too much! they do nothing but complain!"

Apparently the hospital director, who happens to be a UP Medicine Alumni, is blinded to the fact that there are a lot of slackers in his own brood.

The Year That Was

Today, my medical internship (which lasted from May 1, 2005- April 30, 2006) was formally over. We had a rather lengthy (4 freakin' hours!!!) closing ceremony this afternoon. It was bearable for the most part, but judging from the many sleeping guests in the audience, I guess the program was rather boring to a non medical person. hehe.

Looking back, I would say it was not a very good internship program. For one thing, it was medical clerkship repeated for post graduate interns like myself. There was nothing new to learn theoretically. I guess the way the program was structured was necessary for UP interns--- after all, their medical clerkship is something like a "taste test" (I can't find the proper words to describe it) of clerkship. How else can you describe a clerkship program wherein they have summer vacation, christmas breaks, and holiday breaks? And in the hospital, they are often pulled out of the workforce, because of lectures, usually in the afternoon? And their rotations are mostly in the wards instead of going through the different sections of each department (i.e. in the case of pediatrics: nursery, emergency room, intensive care unit, out patient department). I guess they really can't rotate in each section because of their long vacations (how can you fit everything in less than 10 months?! they only rotate in OB-gyne for 2 weeks, which is supposed to be a major 2 MONTH rotation), thus the need to rotate in those sections in internship. So we can say that internship in PGH is like an extension or continuation (there, I found the proper terms!) of clerkship. It is the ideal program for UP interns because their clerkship would be severely lacking without it, but a highly inefficient program for post graduate interns like me. And here lies a huge gap in their training program.

In other hospitals, interns are like pre-residents already. Writing orders in charts, joining consultants during rounds of every single patient, adding insights to the management of each patient--- in addition to manual labor such as IV line insertions, pushing IV meds, creating a daily census etc. In PGH, clerks and interns are basically equal (except in IM wards wherein you act as a "real" intern during the last 2 weeks) because their duties are basically the same. Doing charts, carrying out orders, doing blood extractions (which is a job for med techs--- but since we have to cut costs in PGH, the job is given to clerks and interns... hey at least I'm now an expert in blood extractions. hehe), and gaaah!----- MONITORING! Checking the blood pressure, heart rate, respiratory rate, and temperature of each patient! In other hospitals, monitoring is a nurse's job, and in a teaching hospital, it is a clerk's job! Add that up to the list of PGH exclusives--- INTERNS WHO MONITOR. Thus seniority is seldom felt; rarely can an intern order--- or should I say, ASK a clerk to do something. So when can we experience true internship? Wouldn't it take huge adjustments when residency comes without such training?

The fact is, INTERNS are basically treated as STUDENTS in PGH. So blatantly, in fact, that the term used is "student-in-charge". I guess that's proper since most of the interns (150 out of 250 are from UP) haven't graduated yet. It's just that in other hospitals interns are treated as real doctors already. Heck, in PGH even the nurses see you as students only. They call you "SIR", "MA'AM", or sometimes "DOC" out of politeness only... you hear them talking behind your back and you'll realize they view you as mere students. Some patients even see you as students only. The "Dr." before our names on all our name plates are probably just there to appease post graduate interns since we already have medical degrees. In reality, we're not really treated as doctors yet.

Also, initially, I was under the impression that PGH is the ideal place for internship for the sole reason that it has the most varied cases, and cases are also numerous. Thus, there would be more learning on my part. That's not really the case though. Think of it as some sort of learning curve, wherein the optimal level is breached, thus learning starts to go down--- a lot of times, there are so many patients, you just want to get the job done, there's no more time for learning. Add the fact that residents are also so busy because of the sheer number of patients, they rarely have time to teach you what they know. I'm not generalizing though, there are some (mostly senior IM residents) who really find the time to teach you.

"Toxicity" (i.e. too much work, to the point of being er--- deadly, or poisonous. hehe) in PGH is also so over rated. Yeah, being the premiere government hospital in the country, you'd think it really is the most toxic, but that's not really the case. Ask around, the only people who would say this are those who haven't experienced training in other hospitals. For one thing, PGH receives the greatest subsidy from the government, while other state hospitals fight over the crumbs. If you say PGH is the most "low-tech", that PGH is the most toxic--- you haven't been to other government hospitals, wherein conditions are much much worse. Ever been to San Lazaro? Fabella? Jose Reyes? Sure, compared to interns in other hospitals, the work load is heavier because you're still basically a clerk, but there is such a huge gap with the workload of residents and interns. The residents absorb most of the work! Where else can you find medicine interns just sitting around the emergency room, while the residents rarely have time to rest? In other hospitals, since interns are like pseudo-residents, they take a huge burden away from the residents. The fact that the residents are also so nice takes a lot of toxicity away--- they're like your peers, unlike in some hospitals where you can really see the hierarchy between interns and residents. Also, in several rotations (in minors like ophtha, ENT), there are weekends off!--- completely unheard of where I took up clerkship! SO what's with all the complaining? Especially among clerks? They have a lot of vacations, they get pulled out from hospital duties (for lectures--- that's still REST nevertheless), and they do less of the dirty work! Where I took up clerkship, we take the urine output, we suction secretions, while in PGH the nurses do that. And where I took up clerkship, clerks are the ones who ambu-bag their patients, which can last for a full 24 hours without rest! In PGH, (here's another exclusive) it is the patient's guardian who ambu-bags. And in some instances, the patients ambu bag themselves. hehe. There may be more patients in PGH, but taking all factors into account, the work load for clerks is much much less.

Here's one glaring example. I remember how every UP intern was talking about how "toxic" the Ob-gyne rotation is, like it was some deadly fatal obstacle or something--- the ultimate in toxicity! And I almost believed them. For. Crying. out. loud. what exaggeration! Residents do most of the work! Interns only assist them most of the time! In Fabella, we do everything--- unless if the baby has an abnormal presentation, or when a CS is needed.. From labor up to the baby's birth, resuscitation of the baby, up to suturing lacerations, no matter the degree, we do all the work. Only if we really REALLY REALLY can't manage the patient will we refer to the resident. And it's like a baby factory in there--- LITERALLY, a baby is born every minute. The work is NON STOP. And what toxic paperworks? we have templates in PGH for crying out loud. During my clerkship, we had to do paperworks from scratch, and they had to undergo several revisions until the resident thinks it's PERFECT already, because it is an OFFICIAL hospital document and shouldn't be made haphazardly. And the dreaded morning endorsements? It's not like they'll shout at you or insult you or shame you if you can't answer their questions...unlike where I took up clerkship. Pushing stretchers on your own? been there, done that--- A lot of times, and with an oxygen tank to boot. Anyone who has a first hand experience of working in other government hospitals knows that he or she has no right to complain about the workload in PGH.

Do I regret taking up internship at PGH? It may seem like that, but I'm not. It's not all bad after all :) There are a lot of rare cases, cases you won't find anywhere else. It is up to each intern whether he or she finds the time to take each opportunity for learning. With the multitude of cases also, you'd be surprised that patients with myocardial infarction are so common that thay are monitored every 4 hours post MI instead of every hour. hehe. And in surgery, they let interns do minor operations--- and this includes not so minor ones such as removal of breast masses. hehe (though in other government hospitals wherein there are fewer residents, it's not uncommon for interns to do major operations such as appendectomy, but those are only in few institutions). And as I've said, the residents are so nice, demerits and sanctions are very rare, there are weekends off, that it's like a dream vacation! Okay, it's not really a dream vacation, but I felt like some caged animal who recently got free. hehe. You get used to the fact that there are no airconditioners in the wards and in some operating rooms, the heat's not so bad once you get used to it. The food is actually OK, including those freebies served in the mess hall. PGH may not be the best place for internship--- I may not take up internship there if given a second chance--- but it's still a good place for internship, at least when compared to most hospitals out there.


It's getting late and I have to wake up early... maybe tomorrow i'll post some pictures of those rare cases I've mentioned. :)

Mona Lisa Frown

I still haven't seen The Da Vinci code, and since no one has invited mo to watch the movie with them so far, I don't intend to. hehe. I've mentioned in a previous post that the movie has no appeal to me, no other particular reason. I'm not a member of the Opus Dei, nor am I a devout catholic. I'm aware of the controversies surrounding the movie, but no amount of controversies can make a seemingly dull movie appealing to me.

So maybe I'm not in a position to comment on the movie--- and i won't. (although critics have called both the book and the movie below average to average. They accused the fans as just people who have been caught up in all the hype) Instead, I'll comment on the people's behavior, particularly catholics. I'm not talking about those nuns, priests, bishops, and other die hard catholics who seek to ban the movie because they say it is an insult to their beliefs. I'm talking about ordinary catholics who surround me everyday, and a lot of them are fans of the book... and were first in line to see the movie.

First of all, I'm a catholic, but only because I was baptised before I was a year old. And yeah, I was a practicing catholic during my childhood and teen years--- i was enrolled in a catholic school after all. I prayed a lot, joined religious activities, completed the sacraments (at least those suited for my age), sang hymns, preached the good word to others--- all that. But then in college, I transferred to a state university, where there was no "official" religion. With no school authorities to "impose" catholic activities, with no religion classes to reinforce catholic values, and being exposed to Philosophy and to other people with different faith--- I guess the whole college experience was an eye opener, as least in terms of religion. After 4 years in college, I experienced a shift in my beliefs. I've witnessed several people argue that their religion is the right one. In each religion, there are different teachings, about who's the savior, with each religion having different prophets. It became tiring hearing all those people argue. On one hand, a group of people are saying their religion is the right one. On the other hand, another group with a different religion are saying the same things! Can't we all just get along?

I realized that with such arguments, no one can really win, because for as long as each person can remember, he or she has been taught certain beliefs that eventually become the foundation of their lives. This includes religion. No wonder the most brutal wars in history are fought over religion--- each one believes he is right, and he's willing to fight for that belief.

To make a long story short, I became an agnostic. Not an atheist! Those are two different things! I still believe that there is a God, that there is a superior being. How else can you explain the many mysteries in life? How else can you explain such order? Everything cannot be explained by chance alone. I've realized that with all different religions, there is a single superior being--- call him Allah, Yahweh, or by any other name. The common point in all faith is the belief in one God. And it is that common point which i believe in. For religions with multiple Gods, I think they are a collective, Gods with different traits united into a single superior power. The common point, therefore, is the belief in an entity superior to all men. The differences may be the work of men, conforming religion to suite their own wants and needs. I'm not saying that Christ and Mohammad are just myths. I believe they did exist, messengers of one God, but with different tools and approaches that resulted to the varied religions we have today. That's just my personal opinion, I'm not trying to pull in some converts. :)

Being an agnostic, I wonder why I seem to understand why the priests and nuns are so against the showing of The Da Vinci code, as opposed to the practicing catholics around me. I haven't read the book, but I know the central story, I know what it is all about. Granted, it is a work of fiction, and as adults, we should know how to differentiate reality from fantasy. That's the argument most fans of the book have--- they know it is just a work of fiction. But if that's really the case, how come a lot of those catholic readers admit that after reading the book, they became open to the possibility that the events told in the novel could probably be true? Many of them say they wondered about their faith after reading the book, even though they keep saying they know it is a work of fiction. But why entertain such thoughts at all? And in the first place, even if it is a work of fiction, Why read the book at all? why watch the movie? For curiosity? because of the controversy? It's not only a work of fiction, it is a mockery of Christianity. Doesn't reading the book mean support for the author? Isn't it like telling him "hey, it's okay for you to mock and bastardize my religious beliefs, as long as you say it's a work of fiction"? It can even be a precedent for other authors to capitalize on the issue. Controversy translates to money after all, and there are few things that are more controversial than attacking a religion.

Mockery is mockery. Slander is slander. Blasphemy is blasphemy. You can't sugar coat it in the pretense of a work of fiction. You can't just say you'd wish someone was dead, or write you'd murder someone then say it's okay since it's only in your imagination, or it's just something you wrote, it's just a part of an imaginary story in you mind, not something you'd really carry out. Brutal analogy, but exponentiate the former--- it's an analogy that makes sense nevertheless.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm only an agnostic on the outside, and deep down inside, I'm still the devout catholic from a few years back. And I wonder how can an agnostic understand why the religious leaders in the world are making such a fuss. I wonder why self professed catholics mock their own leaders, calling them overacting, paranoid, making mountains out of molehills, etc. etc. etc. Maybe I'm a better catholic than those practicing catholics after all.


Maybe.

confessions of a blog addict...

yeah, you read that right. I'm really starting to like this blog thing. And with my multiple posts per day, it seems that I've become some sort of an addict. hehe. and to think a week ago I was a blog cynic. I guess it's because creating a blog is cathartic--- I feel refreshed when I write down my thoughts and feelings, It's like a bit of burden is released from my shoulders every time I start typing. I guess writing one's thoughts, say in a diary, can do that. But this is better because of the anonimity (by choice in my case) it offers.If someone reads your diary, you're screwed because most probably, that someone knows it's your diary. And the fact that no one comments on these pages seems to reinforce my belief that no one reads this blog, hence its like having a diary that no one can ever read... or maybe I'm wrong, not everyone who encounters a blog would comment on what he or she reads after all. hehe. Wish I had a visitor's counter or something... as long as there are no comments yet, I'll drown myself on that illusion. :)

Many of my friends started their blogs on friendster. That's just not for me. if I did that, it would be a fake blog, i can't really say what i really want to say. I'd end up sanitizing and editing my entries because I have to be sure it's okay for all the people in my friends list (and a lot of them are just acquaintances who add me to their lists) to view my blog. Hmmm... maybe that's why all of those friendster blogs I read seem wholesome and sanitized. These friends of mine must have anonymous blogs floating around the net somewhere. hehe.


Geez, another addiction, another distraction. I really should be studying for the boards at this time. Instead I've been busy watching TV, DVDs, surfing the net, and now blogging. I have this really bad feeling that I might fail the board exams this coming august. I'd better start studying soon... I need to lock my laptop somewhere...

Alcohol = Aphrodisiac

Just like the horrible incident a few nights back (check out one of my previous entries), a lot of those nights I'd rather forget had me under the influence of alcohol. And okay, based on the title of this entry--- yes, those incidents are indeed, er--- sexual.

Take my first sexual experience--- if you'd consider a person's first oral sex experience his first sexual experience. It was the first time I got a taste of alcohol. I was drinking with people (ok...relatives) several years older than me, because I guess they thought it would be fun to get a kid drunk. I was 12 at that time, almost 13. So i guess you'd consider me a teen. With just a small amount, I got really drunk. I went to the bathroom to pee, door was unlocked so I went inside, turns out someone was already inside, sitting on the toilet peeing. When she stood up I kneeled on the floor and did the unthinkable. I guess she was drunk also, because she just let me do that sloppy unthinkable. What a way to end my baptism to alcohol. Woo-hoo. The act wasn't so bad actually. It's who I did it to, that's what makes me shiver. It's funny when I saw her after many years, the first thing she told me was I was looking better and better. um, ok... not in the mood to reminisce? hehe.

Now let me tell you abou my first real sexual experience. I was drunk again, and then this relatively hot girl (or maybe she just looked hot because of the alcohol) approached me, with an odd proposition. TO be in a THREESOME. I got excited immediately. Then she continued---- threesome with my boyfriend--- err. um, no thanks! I can't imagine myself in bed with another guy! But she was very persistent, that she really liked me, she assured me the guy is straight, they just wanted to experiment because they're both drunk, willing to explore, looking for ways to spice up the relationship, yadda yadda yadda.... And i was drunk, so I had less inhibitions, plus the thought of being in a threesome with another guy didn't look so bad after a while. And he really did look straight. And I looked better, so I thought I could do more with the girl. hehe. And besides, That's the scenario in a lot of porn films, 2 guys and a girl... hey, it's like being in a porn video! I think it's a secret desire of all guys to star in porn, maybe thats why a lot of guys want to videotape their sexual encounters, to see how they look on film. hehe. So after an hour or so, I eventually agreed. Yeah it felt good, everything was going smoothly, like a well rehearsed scene in a porn vid, until the guy tried to lick my neck. yeeeuck!....or maybe not. That shook me up a bit. I just moved away, maybe he just got caught up in the moment, that he wanted to lick his girl's body someplace, made a minor miscalculation of where to lick because the lights were dim--- I tried to justify what he did. He didn't try to do it again at least for awhile, so the show moved on. then suddenly, out of the blue--- the F#CKER tried to KISS ME! no mistakes there! He was definitely aiming for my mouth! EEEEWWW!!!! MOTHERF#CKING GRRROSSSSS!!!! GEEEZ!!!! THat got me out of my intoxication like being hit hard in the head! I got out of the bed, quickly got dressed, and ran out. I was f*cking duped! He must be some fag who connived a female friend to trap some guy---- ok, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. At least from that experience, I became 100% sure that I really can't do the deed with another guy--- even when I'm under the influence of alcohol. hehe.

Come to think of it, many of my sexual encounters were done while I'm under the influence. Be it one night stands with ladies I've met at bars, fooling around with past girlfriends...Sometimes I wonder If I need it in order to er--- perform well. My recent sex life is usually boring---It seemed so generic, so bland. Honestly, I seem to have more satisfaction when I go at it alone. Every real life encounter seems the same, while in my imagination, every encounter is varied LOL. I guess because my sexual life in my younger years have been more colorful and different--- as you can see with the two encounters I've mentioned. hehe. Maybe that's why my recent encounters seem to have no spice at all...

Okay---- I better stop posting entries like this. That's 2 posts about my sex life already. I don't want this to turn into a sex blog...at least I don't want it to be known for that. Ah, thank God for anonimity :) hehe.


I'd better start thinking of wholesome life experiences to post...

Ode to Alcohol

If there's one thing I'm glad to have found in this world, it would be alcohol. Way back in my young teen years, I hated how it tasted--- but I knew I HAD to like it eventually. Learning how to love alcohol seems to be one of the rites of passage in becoming a man. I didn't want to be labeled as a wuss, so I swallowed every bitter drop as if it was sweet nectar. And after so many bottles and shots, it eventually did taste like sweet nectar. LOL. After a few more years, I craved for that stuff. But what I really love about alcohol is not the taste, but its effect on me.

You see, I'm one of those shy types. YEah I can hear my close friends mocking already, but ask them how I was the very first moment we met, and they would realize that I realy am one of them shy types. Upon initial introduction, im often at a loss for words. Often i would stay quiet and just listen to conversation. It would take a long time before I learn to open up, and in the process, show my true colors. That's a good thing according to my humorous friends--- because if I already showed them my true colors the day we've met, they would not want to be friends with me. Yup, ladies and getlemen--- my friends are great comedians. ;)

I didn't really like being shy. I often wish i could be like those other people who stand out in a crowd, who can take command of a crowd because of their assertiveness! But I'm always resigned in the background... but not if I'm under the influence of alcohol! Like a magic potion, it makes the shyness vanish. Most people are surprised with the sudden transformation, it's like Dr. Jekyll becoming Mr. Hyde! hehe. With a few shots and a few bottles, I instantly fire up the crowd, put the life in the party! THat's what I like about being tipsy or drunk. It makes me feel alive, it makes me feel more free. Though like any miracle drug, it still has some undesirable effects.

I've seen pictures and videos of myself taken while I'm in a drunk state, and it's not a pretty sight. With just a few drinks, I just become more assertive, talkative, and outgoing. But if I have more, I turn into this crazy person, who keeps on blabbering non stop, mostly nonsense, and often intertwined with cuss words and other expletives. And the way I sing or dance when I'm drunk may seem amusing to others, but i can't help but feel shame while I'm watching myself. I've had several blackouts, when I did some pretty crazy stuff without me remembering when I wake up in the morning. Thankfully, according to witnesses, I have not done anything that would cause me a great deal of embarrassment--- then again, maybe they're not just telling me to save me from shame. hehe. Also, I've done many things that I regret afterwards while I'm under the influence of alcohol. All of those incidents happened while I'm on my way home---- alone. Or someone would approach me during a party, i those few moments--- when i'm alone. What those incidents were--- I'll save em for another post. :) As long as I'm with friends up to the moment I fall asleep, I'm okay. Wingmen who always watch out for me, I can't live without. They deserve to be given medals.

Knowing this, I try to moderate my drinking. I guess it's part of getting old, but mostly I try to control my drinking to avoid doing crazy, embarrassing things. There was a time in my late teen years when I turned to drinking when I have problems--- and I did have lot of problems at that time, so I often drank alone. Thank God I never became an alcoholic. Now, I get drunk easier--- i guess that comes with age also, I'm becoming less tolerant of that sweet poison. My friends find it funny how I often say no when they invite mo for a few drinks. Then after a great deal of persistence I would give in. And with the first few bottles, it seems like I'm not enjoying--- I'm really not enjoying because I'm trying to control my drinking, and I'm thinking of the possible consequences! But when I reach that certain level--- WHAM!!! KAPOW!!! there's no return! I drink 'til I'm dead drunk--- or at least while fundings and supplies last. hehe.

I'd like to think alcohol is all good--- I guess it is all good for me, as long as I drink in moderation. The fact that I currently have no source of funding would mean less drinking sessions. I guess my major drinking would be limited to parties with drink all you can booze. My liver must be rejoicing with that news. But a friend recently showed me the joys of Johnnie Walker... and Beer + 1 tab Diazepam ---I guess my liver is rejoicing too soon. LOL

Over the Hype

Am I the only one who prefers to watch Over the Hedge as opposed to The Da Vinci Code? I'm just not caught in the hype of that Tom Hanks movie. Those horrible initial reviews are not helping. And I don't care about those protests, I already know why they are against the movie. I'm no devout catholic, but I believe they really should be protesting! Also, The trailers never seemed to excite me--- i thought they were boring. On the other hand, I thought the trailers of Over the Hedge were funny. maybe If I've read the book, there would be some interest--- Then I'll be one of those complaining how the movie sucked compared to the book. hehe.

Maybe I'll watch The Da Vinci Code next week, if a friend would invite me. it is an "event" movie after all. Just not on its opening weekend. The movie is no "The Last Stand' after all. :)

The other side of the coin

Last night's encounter got me thinking... that when it comes to encounters like that, I'm lucky to be a guy. I remember horror stories from gay friends about their encounters with male prostitutes/callboys. Ok, I'm sure there are females out their who pay for the services that these men offer, but I don't know any of these people, and I'm sure they only comprise a small part of these men's clientele. I mean, except for bridal showers, I can't think of any instance women would pick up callboys. And at those bridal showers, my female friends tell me they don't touch the men, their gay friends are the ones who end up in the bedroom with those men. Maybe old lonely ladies could pick them up occasionally... now i'm veering away from my main topic. hehe. so anyway---

There's this place in the Manila area called Nakpil street where these men hang out. I've passed by the area several times and the men are practically littered in the streets! No Joke! It's like a gay shopping market, you could take your pick from a lot of assorted items! haha. And when a car passes by, these guys would flash their smiles hoping to be picked up. It's funny how at one time I was trying to find a bar in the area so I was driving slowly, then a lot of those guys kept following my car. Geez, as if I would pick them up! I was laughing by myself at that time, but looknig back, that was one nauseating experience. It's an open secret that the area is a haven for male prostitution--- okay, maybe it's not really an open secret for people who are not familiar with the area. But in the gay community, and for people who know a lot of gay people (hey, I went to UP in college, and there are a lot of gay people there)--- let's just say these callboys don't need to advertise to make people aware of their location. And even if a person doesn't know that Nakpil street is the place to pick up men for hire, one would know by just passing by the area. The area is obviously a red light district, I'm surprised that the city government has not done anything about it... or maybe they're just turning a blind eye.

I've heard several gay friends endorse the area to fellow gays--- about heavenly experiences, and how there a lot of good looking guys in the area, unlike in QC circle or those other places where the men look dirty, filthy, ugly--- practically any derogatory adjective one can think of. hehe. but I've heard a lot of traumatic experiences too. Here's the story of my gay friend #1:

On one lonely night, he picked up a guy in the area. He thought he was the perfect guy, sweet, funny, loquacious, animated, real kind, a perfect gentleman. And he did look good. After doing the deed, he was asking for an amount far larger than the amount they agreed on. The callboy threatened my friend, that he would beat him up. He saw my friend had an ATM card, and told him they'll go to the nearest ATM machine to withdraw money. Yup, he emptied my friend's ATM account. And on the way he was so harsh--- the complete opposite of his initial persona, that he kept pushing and cussing gay friend #1.

Now take gay friend #2. He picked up a guy in the area also. Same scenario, the guy seemed too perfect for words. They were looking for a a cheap motel, the guy recommended a place. turned out the operators of the motel (or some people pretending to be operators) were part of the callboy's modus operandi. They got his cellphone, watch, and ATM card. poor gay friend--- It's bad enough that he didn't get laid, he lost his valuables to boot. He's lucky they didn't take his car. And they threatened him not to call the cops, and being meek and mild, he stayed silent.

And here's my gay friend #3's sob story. same scenario. picked up a guy, seemed too perfect for words. My friend was short on cash, so the guy just suggested this isolated place. They parked the car, and just as they were beginning to do the deed, the guy brought out a knife, which was like 10 inches long. geez, now there's going to be murder, in addition to theft?! I bet my friend was hoping for some other thing measuring 10 inches to stab him. hehe--- nasty comment there. anyway, The guy took his phone, ATM cards, credit cards, jewelry, and the CDs in his car. Good thing my friend reported his credit cards stolen before the thief could use them.

And for my gay friend #4's--- wait, make that gay acquaintance #1's story. Same beginning: picked up a guy, seemed too perfect to be real. THey parked on an isolated area. Agreed on 500 bucks. After the deed,the guy said he deserved more than 500 bucks for what he did. WHat he did--- that part of the story I didn't ask. hehe. Apparently the guy wasn't that big, because my acquaintance said he was bigger, so the callboy can't do the threatening style to get more money. The guy got his car keys and ran. My acquaintance chased his, but since the guy was so fast, he agreed to pay him-- with the all the money he had in his wallet. After getting the money, the guy threw the keys, and when my acquaintance got his key back, the guy was nowhere to be found. (the guy must be the flash)

For gay friend #4, who's probably the most unlucky of the bunch---- same story, except he made the mistake of bringing the guy home. After doing the deed, they both went to sleep. When my friend woke up, the guy was gone. And so was his laptop, dvd player, jewelry, and the contents of his wallet. Ouch. no wake up call could beat that.

I've heard of a lot more horror stories. In a way, I'm lucky to be a guy. I mean, no callgirl/ prostitute can threaten to beat me up. I would have beaten them to a pulp before they could even hurt me. And if i wasn't afraid of making a scene, I doubt if that slut form last night could've gotten money from me. Also I'm not really vulnerable emotionally--- at least I don't think I am. Okay, at least not much. For gay people, it's so much different. For one thing, they're more vulnerable to physical abuse, unless they're one of those gay men with huge bulging biceps. And their loneliness make them even more vulnerable to these vultures. I asked my friends what keeps them coming back to the area even with such bad experiences. They always say it's LONELINESS. sure, sometimes they're just plain horny, but most of the time, they pick up these callboys because they need companionship--- even if the companionship is not really genuine since they have to pay for it.

At times, I pity my gay friends, or gay men in general. Most of them want love from straight men, but that's impossible since by definition,straight men can't fall in love with fellow males. To get that, there's always something in exchange, be it money, some other material stuff, or maybe a shot at fame. SOme are aware that the love they get isn't real, but some are enveloped in the illusion. And it is this need that keeps them coming back, even if the last encounter was a traumatic experience, hoping that the next one would be the right one, hoping that the next one can give them what they really need. Before when I passed by the street, I thought it was funny how the place seemed like a market for male meat, with all those callboys bargaining with gay men who pass by. But now, after hearing all those tragic encounters, in the arid desert that is Nakpil Street, these poor gay men aren't the hunters taking their pick from numerous wildlife, looking for the most prized animal they can take home. They are like weak cattle, who got lost in the desert, with those numerous vultures encircling them overhead, even before they've taken their last breath. What makes it even more pitiful is that they don't realize that.

sex, lies, and...

Last night was a total wreck, one of those nights i'd rather forget...

I was on my way home from an incredibly boring party. The place was fine, and so was the music... I just didn't feel like I belonged with the crowd. I was still in the mood for some fun, but most of my friends wanted to go home instead of going someplace else. Heard Embassy was the place to be on wednesdays, but no one was in the mood. Figured I'd do some joy riding since I didn't want to go home yet. Driving with no particular destination can be so relaxing. Found my way in makati, thought I'd do something I've never done before--- go inside a bar, alone.

So there I was at the bar, sitting alone, ordered a few beers, listening to music, when suddenly, this hot chick appeared out of nowhere, asking if I was alone too. Yeah she looked hot, dressed in a skanky attire, just the way I want it when I'm in a "playful" mood. Since I was a bit lonely that night---- driving alone put me in a pensive mood, been thinking about the mess that was my life for the past few months--- I fugured I could use some company. Small talk at first, what do you do for a living, where are you from... all that shit. But when the question became why are you alone--- I guess i poured my heart out. Opening up to a stranger can make you feel better at times, and the fact that he or she doesn't know much about you can make it easier to open up. I talked about my previous miserable relationship, how I absolutely despised my ex, family problems, how my life seemed to be going nowhere, that I'm stucked in a profession that I don't really seem to want... And she poured her heart out as well. A child out of wedlock, the father was an asshole who beat her up, and now nowhere to be found. Her sick mother with a heart ailment, and how expensive the medications were that she keeps missing doses. Add the fact that she's the sole breadwinner of the family because she's the eldest--- my life seemed to be a vacation compared to hers. A few more beers put me in the mood for something more, and I guess it put her in the same mood as well. Went to a relatively cheap motel. talked for a while, hugging, embracing, kissing... did the deed, which was almost perfect, then took a bath. After two hours, I was about to call room service to inform them we're checking out of the room. then out of the blue---

She asked to be paid. What the f*ck--?! This chick is a damn prostitute! She's not just some skank in a skank attire, she's a skank for hire! Not that I detest these people. In my curious teen years, I've had some experiences with them along with my friends. It's just that she caught me off guard! why didn't she tell me in the first place?! With a few more beers I would probably have gone with her--- PROBABLY. probably not... And she was asking for a lot. A whopping 5000 bucks! that's a lot for someone like me who has no more allowance since he's already graduated, but currently still unemployed. I refused to pay her. TOld her she came with me willingly. and besides, she came under false pretenses. If she wanted to be paid, she should have told me in the first place. The way things went, she came with me voluntarily. Then she was screaming like an insane person, that I tricked her, that she would destroy furniture, break thr TV, make a scene downstairs, bring me to the police station to see who suffered injustice, that she doesn't mind the shame since she's used to it, that she didn't mind getting jailed, yadda yadda yadda. I wanted to beat herup for tricking me, but I didn't wantto get jailed for that. I felt trapped! I didn't want to make a scene, I didn't want to cause a commotion and I hate being talked about! Being part of rumors seem to be an inherent part of my life! I don't want more rumors! And I'd hate it if my parents found out that I picked up a random prostitute and brought her to a seedy motel--- at least that's the impression they'll get. So I gave in. I pleaded. Showed her my wallet. Just 4000 bucks. minus 500 for the room. I can only give her 3500, and that's all I have. She told me she'll go with me to my house so i can get more money. If I don't have money, she'll tell my parents what happened. She's making my blood boil. Told her NO WAY! Then the bitch said if i didn't want my parents to find out, she'll get my watch instead. Told her no F*cking way! If she'll insist, my fear of making a scene would have dissipated, I was getting angry! REALLY ANGRY! I was about to beat her up! And I guess she got that. After a few more minutes of bargaining, she agreed. Dropped her off at a nearby bus station. God, I wanted to shoot her! or push her out of my car! But I thought, what If her story was true, her sick mother, her child, her poor family---- I guess the thought that those things might be true kept me sane. So what If 3500 bucks was practically stolen from me? That's almost nothing compared to the needs of that poor family. Of course, she was probably lying about it, some script she's been using for months, maybe years, to get pity. Yeah, I'm aware of that. But believing that the things she said were true gave me some degree of comfort. After all, poverty is the main reason people like her are driven to their profession, right? Bah, Now I'm thinking I was charitable. And i have to admit, It felt good. Might as well think it was money well spent.

God, what a miserable night.

Next week, It's time to take a stand!!!

I can't begin to the describe the excitement I feel about this movie! I've been looking for spoilers and movie clips for months now! Yeah, i don't want to keep my hopes up because Brett Ratner (the rush hour guy?!) is directing instead of Bryan Singer, but I can't help it! i loved the comics, the cartoon series, and the first 2 movies! The X-men Rock!

On may 26th--- wait, it's showing 2 days earlier here!!! On May 24th, i'll take a stand! I'll be standing in line when it premieres! haha. I'll most likely post a review--- hope it's a good one :)

The Journey Home

the trip home was also a different experience. Since it was still windy, we had to rent a boat on the other side of the island. Normally, we'd just rent a boat on station 1, which is very near our cottage. Then the boat will take us straight to Caticlan where the airport is. This usually takes 20-30 minutes, depending on the speed of the boat.

Since the waves were still strong on our side of the island (there were no boats in and out of Boracay for 2 days because of the strong wind and waves), we had to take a tricycle to the other side. The tricycle ride took 20- 30 minutes! I wasn't bored though. Seeing the side of Boracay that wasn't developed for tourists was an eye opener. In the middle of the island, there's a barrio not different from other barrios in the Philippines. That was the side of Boracay that I never saw before. On the other side of the island, the sand was not white. It was a shade of brown, with a lot of pebbles. Thre was also o lot of locals in the area. Apparently, this is where the locals rent boats to take them to the mainland. Several foreigners were taking pictures for documentation. I guess they wanted to show "the other side of Boracay" to folks at home. Wish I did the same thing so I could've posted them here. hehe.

It was a shorter boat ride than usual, because the port was closer to the mainland. It took about 10 minutes. But we weren't brought to the usual port area. It wasn't Caticlan, but another barrio, and the port area was dirty. I guess some of the waste of the locals there are dumped directly on the water. From there, we had to take another 15 minute tricycle ride to the airport. That's a lot of rides just to go home! hehe. I would've preferred to stay another day. the sea was becoming calm, and the sun was starting to show after all... but I didn't have enough money to last another day. hehe.I have to go back soon, when it's all warm and sunny. Once residency starts, I guess it would be 3-5 years before I get to see the place again. :(

Stormy Days in Paradise

Last week, my friends and I went to Boracay, which is, according to many people (including me!), the best place to have a vacation in the Philippines. I've been there every year for the past 3 years, and I must say that all those vacations are worth remembering. Even though I've become familiar with the place (it's not that big after all), I can't seem to get tired of "Bora".

This year, my Boracay vacation was very different, thanks to a little storm known locally as "Caloy". We usually go to there during April, but since medical internship ends on May 1, we went there a month later. Upon our arrival, there was a mild shower, which lasted for about an hour. During the afternoon, it was all sunny, we thought the rain during the morning was just a freak weather occurence during the summer. The rainy season usually starts in June or July in the Philippines. We never thought it would come early this year.

The next day, it rained sporadically, but during our third day, it was raining really hard, and the wind was really strong! A little rain or wind can't spoil our vacation though, we still swam in the sea. It was really tiring though, because of all the huge waves. hehe. During the night, the wind became stronger, I found it hard to stand still outside, I thought the wind can blow me away if I didn't hold on to something. THe sliding door in our cottage which was directly against the wind came off, we had to put a table against it. The floor of our room was soaking wet because water seeped through the windows. The roof of several cottages were also blown away by the strong winds.Thankfully, our roof was more sturdy. haha.

It was still cloudy and a bit windy when we left. I still had fun though. I actually liked the cool weather, and I still got to party on the last night. And overall, it was a very different experience! I had a few regrets though--- number 1: I didn't get a tan! I always see to it that I get a tan everytime I go to the beach because some people say I look pasty white at times. Also, there was supposed to be a Concert by Bamboo and Sugarfree (my favorite local bands on one concert! How cool is that?!) last April 13, 2005, but it got postponed because Cocomangas, where it was supposed to be held, was a wreck. For those familiar with the place, I've posted a picture of it, right after the storm. hehe.

World Wide Web of Lies!!!

I guess I've been an internet addict for 10 years now. If there's one thing I've learned through all those years, its that although the web is a great source of information, it's also filled with a lot of hoaxes. A few years back, I've come across this really interesting site where they compiled a lot of those hoaxes. what do you know--- a lot of those forwarded emails, even those that seemed really authentic, are all hoaxes! It's a well researched site, they give detailed explanations to each "urban legend", including their origins. I've created a link to the site on my side bar. Check it out! :)

Poseidon

As a disaster movie, Poseidon Rocks! I don't know why critics hated it so much... i mean, it's a disaster movie! what were they expecting anyway? 2 hours of cheesy teenage drama as a prelude to the actual disaster? I liked the way they got down to disaster sequence immediately. And what a sequence that was--- woohoo! totally brutal! this is not for children! if i have one gripe, it seemed that the rest of the sequences seemed anti-climactic compared to the one showing the ship flipping over.

I liked the fact that there's no tedious character development. I mean, people go see disaster movies to watch disasters. If they wanted drama, they would go see some oscar nominated sobfest. As a disaster movie, Poseidon is a cut above the rest. It's a pity few people got to see it. I can't blame them though.. i was not really interested in this movie at first. My initial reaction was, "not another movie about a sinking ship!" But hey, I had a good time watching it. My money was well spent. Titanic (which i think totally sucked--- i coudn't wait for the ship to sink. I'll never figure out how it got to be the number 1 movie of all time) is a dream vacation compared to this.

by the way, i watched the original version of the movie on video when I was a child. One of the reasons why I thought I should see the new version was to compare it with the old one, because I liked that 1970's film. I remember crying when the overweight lady had a heart attack after swimminng,I remember feeling sad that she won't be able to see her new grandchild. yeah, i know--- i was such a baby. hehe. The old version was more dramatic, while the new one is more action packed. I guess thats why the critics loved the first one, and hated the new one...

I was once a poet!

COLD LONELY NIGHT

I remember the feeling when you said we were through
I was glad for I couldn’t stand the stubbornness in you
My life would be better, that was all that i knew
When you walked out that door, there was nothing i could do

The memories flicker when they say your name
I was too proud to see i was part of the blame.
When i asked you to change, I stayed the same.
I blew out the fire to the last single flame.

They all say it’s your fault; now maybe that’s true
But i choose to ignore them; they don’t really know you.
I choose not to move on, I don’t need someone new.
I’m willing to take all the blame because i still love you.

I made a mistake, you were right all along
When you said it was my fault, when you said I was wrong.
Inside my head i keep hearing our song.
It echoes through my heart, where you once belonged.

Is it really too late to make things right?
How i wish you’re still with me, beside me tonight.
And although you are too far away from my sight,
Tonight I’ll be dreaming I’m still holding you tight.

9/12/99


FINAL MOMENT

Crouched in one corner, alone on this night
Filled with uncertainty, in the midst of twilight.
In a mindless stupor, far away from sight
Hidden in the darkness, with no urge to fight

Peacefully tucked in a calm surrender
Any moment now, it will all be over
The lightning showed such a sordid face
An abandoned child longing for a warm embrace.

With a knife on one hand, nothing on the other
Tears start to flow, as a cold breeze entered
The thunder drowns my cries, memories still linger
But when the rain stops, I’ll remember no longer.

With a knife on one hand, and nothing to fear
Alone in this room, not a single soul near
Nothing left to cherish, nothing to hold dear
One thing is certain, all will end here.

With a stroke of lighting, I saw it shining
With a glare quite hypnotic, and oh so inviting
As the wind murmured, the clouds cried their last tears.
I went straight to my heart, the source of my own tears.

Coldness all over, and such warmth on my chest
The warmth flows so smoothly, soon I will rest
And now that the rain has filled up all emptiness
With such calm certainty, I submit to nothingness.

5/20/2000


AS THE WIND BLEW

You gave me your heart, untouched and pure
And I gave you mine, though I was unsure.
You believed our love would find a way
As the wind blew all uncertainties away.

You were the light that shone upon me
You were my world, you made me see.
That we remain forever I hoped, I prayed.
As the wind blew all my miseries away.

I believed our bond slowly grew stronger
Even as the nights slowly grew colder.
You tried so hard to find the right words to say
As the wind blew all my spirits away.

I stood here wounded, I silently wept.
Perturbed by the depth of the darkness you kept.
I wondered how and why, you have gone astray
As the wind blew all your promises away.

Now as I stand on the verge of madness
All that’s left are my own promises—
All those promises, I’ve kept ‘til this day
As the wind, slowly blows your memory away.

12/22/2000


DEAD MAN

No words can describe what you’re feeling.
Eternally lost, yet you still keep on searching.
You can’t hear me speak as I silently whisper.
My memory remains, yet I hardly remember.

As you look into my eyes, you drown in emptiness.
I peacefully lie, surely suffering from loneliness.
As you kiss my cold lips, you long for my warm breath
I could only reciprocate with the bitter taste of death.

As you lie on my chest, as you caress my pale skin
You are still apathetic to the calmness within.
As your teardrops fall and disturb the stillness
You are still not aware, what you dream of is hopeless.

You touch my frigid hands and stare at my sullen face
You keep holding me tight, locked in your harsh embrace.
You have torn me open, still no blood would flow.
My heart has stopped beating, still you won’t let go.

I am dead to you now, I’ve been dead to you before.
I can’t simply rise up, as I’ve always done before.
Pathetic illusions, I won’t be there when you call.
My memory is best forgotten, I’m a dead man after all.

06/11/2001

Friendship is Relative

Don't you think is sucks, when friendship can be set aside so quickly, no matter how strong the foundation is? i used to have this close friend, who incidentally is the best friend of my ex girlfriend. funny how she would always hate me everytime my ex and I fought. She always took the side of her best friend, and now that the relationship is over, it seems that she hates me even more. What makes me feel even worse is, she's basing her hatred on the lies her best friend told her--- that I said this and that, that i did this and that... the least she could do was ask for my side of the story first before hating me. I think she owes me that at least, for the sake of our friendship.

I find that funny. When two of my friends fight, i don't just take the side of the one I'm closer to. i try my best to be the mediator, or at least stay neutral when things seem impossible to fix. I can't just hate a friend who hasn't done anything to hurt me, just because he or she did something to a friend I'm closer to. Maybe if that soemone was a complete stranger,but not someone I consider a friend. Maybe that's just me--- it would be foolish for me to expect every other person to behave the same way.

sometimes I wish i could turn back time, back when i wasn't involved with her best friend, back when we still enjoyed each other's company. then again, if she can set aside our friendship just like that, friends like her i can live without.

wha---?! is this really me blogging?!

i'm not really into writing down my thoughts. I think writing a diary is crazy, and creating a blog seems similar to writing a diary. it's even worse because it's in cyberspace, where everyone can see it! what the heck, recently i've been having so much free time, and a lot of my friends are doing it, so might as well try it. hehe. :D