Disposable

I rarely get attached to people. I guess in a way, that's sort of a blessing. i wouldn't long for anyone. i wouldn't miss someone. i wouldn't die out of loneliness if ever i get marooned on a deserted isle somewhere. now that my grandmother's gone, i can't really think of any person that i would miss if ever i went away. sure i enjoy the company of different people, and there are a few select friends that i keep going out with because we get along so well, and quite a few that i trust with every thing about me, a few that i could even trust with my life--- but besides the need for pleasant distractions, i don't really depend on anyone for emotional suppport. there's just no need. i can live alone without the complications of complex human interactions. a downside to this is the fact that i tire of people easily. this is the main reason why none of my relationships last for a long time--- after a couple of months, i grow tired of them. many times, after sharing an intimate moment, i can easily discard women, like some piece of junk that i no longer have use for. On one hand, this is good for me. It means i'm independent. I can stand alone. but on the other hand, it doesn't make for a very good impression to other people. i mean, basically i'm saying that friends and people are disposable and easily replaced for me... and that makes me look like some sort of a prick.


Friends--- they come and go. Although i can name several people that i am really close to, several people that i have poured my heart and soul a couple of times before, i never really felt that need for constant companionship with them. I could go on for months, heck probably even several years without any form of communication with them and i won't even miss them. truth is, they're the ones who keep the flow of communication going, saying hi every now and then, whenever weeks or months have passed by without talking. I may feel the need to reach out to a fellow human being, but i don't need to keep the people i reach out to constant--- why would i, when there are people practically anywhere. and most certainly i would eventually get to have a couple of new friends. maybe the relationships that i would form with those new people wouldn't be as deep as the relationships i've formed before... but so what? i'm not looking for anything complex or deep. a superficial relationship, one that involves just hanging out and doing stupid, funny stuff would suffice for me. i'm not really fond of pouring my heart out to other people anyway. I'm more comfortable in keeping such thoughts to myself, or just ranting in an anonymous blog like this one whenever i feel the need to put my thoughts into words. I'd much rather be alone with my thoughts and let all those feelings pass, instead of pulling another individual into the abyss that i'm in. people already have a lot of things to deal with, they don't need to worry about my problems. and besides, the thoughts going through my head are too dark and complex anyway. most people wouldn't really understand.


Yes, to me friends are easily disposable. no matter how long i've known them, no matter how much i've shared with them, no matter how strong the bond that we had was... i can easily set them aside. yeah that makes me a prick. that makes me some sort of an asshole. but what the heck can i do? that's how i am, it's not how i chose to be. about two months ago i've decided to keep away form certain friends. my gay friends, including those that i'm only suspecting to be gay. I chose to avoid them, like a plague. just like that, all of a sudden, no apparent reason. i don't think they realize that i'm avoiding them. it's easy to make excuses that i'm busy with work because i do have work--- i've been doing more work lately compared to the past couple of years. and it's easy to say i already have plans because i am seeing someone regularly. it's not a relationship, i'm just going through the motions, but it does offer  a convenient excuse. one person though seemed to have realized something was wrong, because we used to hang out a lot often, now it's been months since we've last seen each other. three of those gay folks are my closest friends. i know, how the heck could a guy like me have so many gay friends. and i'm not even counting those gay friends that i am not close to.  i dunno, it just happened. the fact that the medical field seems to attract a lot of people whose sexual orientations are questionable doesn't seem to be helping. truth be told, i haven't met many straight guy friends in med school. a lot of em profess they're straight, but they act so effeminate and they like too many girly stuff, i have to keep myself from laughing out loud every time they talk about girls and shit. the fact that we found  a few of them keeping gay porn materials wouldn't be of much help to their cause, but hey i'm friends with them. whenever people ask if they're gay or whenever they ask me why do i hang out with such people, i tell them my friends aren't gay even if i know they are. and jesus, it's not like one can actively screen the people they become friends with can they? friendship is like love. you don't choose whom you fall in love with. it's something that just happens.


People have ask me a lot of time why i hang out with them. i don't find the term fag stag endearing. and i have accepted the fact that people would assume i'm gay as well when i keep hanging out with them. i've just learned to ignore that through the years. i know i can't hook up with someone when i'm with them, and there's no use making a move on anyone. i'm with them just to hang out, i'm not looking to get laid, so why should i care what other people think? especially people i don't even know? that's my way of thinking for the past couple of years. that's why i don't really know what happened. why the sudden change? i'm sure as hell not embarrassed when people see me with them. until now, i still don't care what other people think. what changed is something inside me. the fact that they talk about a lot of things that i couldn't relate to is one thing. i've been annoyed by that fact ever since. whenever they talk about boys or put the gay speak on overdrive, i feel like i'm being shut out. and frankly, i find some of the stuff they talk about downright disgusting, i just choose to be quiet about em. the fact that some of them could be wanting more than friendship isn't even an issue. as long as they keep their hands off then it's a none issue. if something happened due to alcohol intoxication, if they have been really good friends i could also get over that after a couple of months. heck, i've done a lot of stupid things when i'm drunk, i can't possibly hold other people accountable for their actions when they are under the influence without sounding like a hypocrite.... so that's also a non issue. maybe it's the fact that i've been hanging out with alpha male types for the past couple of months have something to do with it. we have conversations where i never feel shut out. I feel really part of the group, i never feel like an outsider. we share the same interests, and i can talk to them about things only straight males can understand.  after such a long time, I feel like being part of a pack again. I feel like such an ass for feeling this way, but as of this moment, i don't really feel the need to reach out to my gay friends ever again. maybe this is only temporary, i don't really know. I can't just throw all those years of friendship away of course. i can still go out with them, i can still talk to them. I would still call them friends. but it can't be more than that. it can no longer have any deeper meaning. maybe i'm just not meant to hang out with people like them because they are so different. i can get along with them, but it could only remain on a superficial level. instinctively, we seek out people who think the same way we do, and it just took me years to realize that. or maybe and more probably, as i have concluded earlier, i am just basically nothing more than an ass.

Disjointed Accounts

Am I the only one weirded out by all those joint accounts cropping up at various social networking sites? You know, those accounts shared by two people, mostly couples. For one thing, those accounts look and sound stupid. John Mary Smith Watson. WTF, right?! Yeah, those couples do it to express their love for each other, an expression of the what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine adage... but can't they express their affection in other ways? Sharing a single account is just so impractical. For one thing, two people can't share the exact same group of friends. They might share a lot of friends, especially if they're already married, but they can't share all their friends. It's simply impossible. Like those buddies of mine from way back that i haven't been in contact with for years. I've stayed connected with them through email and social networking sites, but i do not know their spouses... and I don't feel comfortable sharing my personal information to people I don't know, even if they're the better halves of my closest friends. Also, it creates confusion when you post something on their wall or comment on something they've posted, only to have a reply made by the other person. You never know for sure who the hell you're talking to! A few weeks ago, I told one of my closest friends what I thought of the account he shared with his wife. He told me I just couldn't relate because I've never been in love with someone as much as he loves his wife. Okay. That was a bit uncalled for, but what the heck. That was that. Until i sent him a private message which was actually pretty harmless, but could be misconstrued by an extremely insecure and jealous person. it was right after we went to a party and we saw his ex girlfriend from 17 years back, who was there with her husband. They talked for a few minutes, together with the girl's husband, while I mingled with the other guests. I left early, and I forgot to say goodbye to them. When i got home, as an afterthought, I sent him a private message. i asked him if he got the girl's number, and if they've already planned a date. LOL. The thought that his wife might read the message first did occur to me, but i assumed that his wife would understand that i was just kidding.

What happened next? My friend didn't get mad at me, even though his wife didn't talk to him for days and demanded that he move out of the house. Well, he got pretty pissed at first, but he knew the message was pretty harmless and it was obviously meant as a joke, so his anger didn't last long. he just told me that he finally understood why joint accounts were stupid. So did he finally create a separate account? Not exactly. He deleted the joint account, and just told his wife to create a new account for herself if she still wants to have a social networking account.

At least that's one less joint account on my list of friends. Only 5 more to go...

Misunderstood

During one casual conversation, a friend exclaimed that as a group, we only watch the movies that I want to see. When they ask me to watch movies that they want to see , i say no if i don't feel like watching it. It was said as a joke, but obviously, it was half meant.

Why is this even an issue?!

Does it create the impression that I'm selfish? That I only want things to go my way? It's either we do it my way, or we don't do anything at all?! First of all, I ask people to watch movies or go on trips, to hang out, or do whatever, based on how I enjoy their company. The first people I ask are those whose company I enjoy the most. For such simple matters, that's how I prioritize. If they say no, that's perfectly fine with me. It's not like I'm FORCING anyone to come with me, and it's not like I'll hold a grudge for something so trivial. I understand that people have different tastes, we can't possibly all like the same things. If one group of friends say no, it's no problem at all. I can ask A LOT of other people. Of course, the next group of people i ask are those whose company I also like, but not as much as the first group. I won't simply just ask anyone I know, even if those people would probably say yes. But yeah that has happened several times... it beats watching movies alone. hehe.

When I say no, why is it such a big deal? Heck, money isn't exactly overflowing these days. Is it a sin to only watch the movies that I really want to see? Yeah, I say no when I'm being ask to do something i don't really want to do, or to go where I don't want to go--- I wouldn't think anyone would harbor ill feelings because such trivial matters, but I understand how some people can get overly sensitive when they have been declined, even for the simplest things. i would say no, yeah... but did they ever try asking me again, in a different manner? Did they ever try to point out that it's not such a trivial matter to them? If one friend asks me to watch a movie I do not like, if a friend asked me to watch a movie i've seen several times, I would say yes if he or she told me that no one else could go with him or her, if he or she would say that he or she just wants my company, or if watching that movie is a big deal to him or her. I've done that many times. I've done a whole lot more for friends, it would be stupid to think I wouldn't do such simple things--- like watching a movie, going to the mall or bar, or just simply hanging out, for my friends... Unless of course, a great deal of cash would be involved. hehe. But if they would offer to shoulder some expenses, just enough for me not to burn a hole through my wallet, then I'd go with them, even to the ends of the world, without even a bit of hesitation. :)

******************

Oh yeah, as an afterthought... that same friend exclaimed that if only I cleaned up my act years ago, I wouldn't be so bitter about that failed relationship three years ago. One thing I am certain of, is the fact that I AM NO LONGER BITTER. I didn't even feel anything when she sent me a private message via Facebook a few days ago. Now what was that about cleaning up my act? WTF?!

Okay... honestly, i can no longer recall every single detail. Those events have transpired three years ago, and because of all the conscious suppression of memories that I have done, i may have missed a few things. Looking back at the past at this point in time may give me a better perspective. So yeah, I tried looking back. But after reading this single entry dated July 14, 2006:

She- Devil

I really have to say... what the f*ck?!

Discombobulated

Just came back from a much needed vacation. My mind was becoming numb from all that studying. It was a great experience overall, but I've discovered a few things that left me perturbed. First off, I just found out that I have violent tendencies when I get drunk. Usually, I do things that are perceived as annoying, but I'm basically seen as harmless when drunk. Yup, I'm prone to harass women when I drink a little too much. And yeah, I tend to punch, slap, and kick my male friends when I'm under the influence--- but that's all in the spirit of fun. I wasn't doing that out of anger. You can say that's a different way of expressing ones friendship. There's some sort of a sadomasochist in me, i guess. But for the first time, according to several accounts, I actually got ANGRY. Angry enough to chase someone with the goal of channeling that anger into physical means. What's worse, I was provoked by such a superficial reason---- a harmless taunt, that I apparently took seriously. And regrettably, on the receiving end was a person that I consider as one of my closest friends.

I do not remember any of that. What I remember are several glimpses of the succeeding events, most of which remain a blur. I remember saying sorry, trying to make amends... regarding the conversation that followed, all I remember are mere flickers. But from what I remember, I can't help but feel a bit depressed.

I can say it wasn't my fault, because I couldn't really remember doing it. But then again, I never should have drunk beyond my limits in the first place. Partly, I could say some of the blame lies on the company I was with... they shouldn't have let me drunk that much, or I could say they shouldn't taunt people who are intoxicated. But all the pointing fingers would lead to nowhere. Either it was no one's fault, or we were all to blame. What's done is done, and although everything seems to be all right now, I could say out loud that every thing's fine and dandy, I still can't help but feel that things are different now. Despite coming into a resolution, somehow a wall has been built, a wedge has been driven deep, and it serves to keep us apart.

I hate being overly melodramatic, but I can't seem to help it. I admit, I'm an introvert. Whenever I feel bad, I choose to keep my feelings to myself. I don't go asking for help... either I try to find the solution on my own, or wait for things to resolve on its own. I'm not fond of expressing my feelings, so when I show some genuine emotion, that's a very rare event. And I would never show my true feelings to just anyone, I would only show what I really feel to people that I consider as true friends. I know a lot of people, a lot of whom i can refer to as friends. But those people that I trust enough to show my real emotions? I could probably count them with the fingers of my hands. They are the people that I really treasure. That's why it came as a major blow when I found out that one of those people didn't see me the same way.

I guess he was provoked because of what I did. Maybe the things he said really didn't mean much, but it meant a whole lot to me. I'm not asking to be on top of everyone's friends list. But to point out that he viewed me as selfish, that I had to manipulate things so that everything would go my way, that he did not view me as such because of my inherent trait of not showing much emotion and keeping most things to myself--- those things left such a huge impression, I was almost shaken out of my mindless stupor. I do not make demands, nor do I manipulate. If ever people see me as such, that's all their perception, those things are not my intention. As for me being selfish? My closest friends know that they would be hard pressed to find a person who would give his own life for a friend (but I would die for a lot of things, so that's not really saying much now, does it?). Most times, I even do things I do not want to do, I say I agree even when I don't, I stay submissive and silent... most times I don't even care about myself because it's important to me that my friends are happy. It's more important to me when these people I treasure are happy. It can't be my fault that people can't see that. Keeping my emotions to myself--- that's just who I am. I don't choose to be with certain people just because they are the last resort, i choose to be with people because I like their company, never mind if they do not like mine. i do not force myself onto others, nor do I impose any of my beliefs onto them. If we don't get along, if we can't reconcile our beliefs, then so be it. Again, if others misinterpret my actions as selfish, that's their impression and never my intention.

No longer depressed, no harboring of ill feelings, but still disturbed. If there's one good thing that came out of this situation, it's that I've come to the realization that i should re-assess the people that I consider my true friends. After all, it's highly inappropriate to show my emotions to people who can't understand my idiosyncrasies and quirks. It's hard to open up to people who can't take me for what I am.

I'm a tough shell to crack. I'm not a person that one can easily understand and open up to, especially when they do not see me the same way as I see them.

The Rebuff-er

Rejection is hard to swallow. It's hard enough for guys to get rejected when they ask girls out on dates. Even the nice approach--- "I think it's better if we would just remain friends", can really burst one's ego. I imagine how difficult it must be when girls get rejected. Although they're quick to deny it, girls are so much more emotional and vulnerable when compared to guys. A few of my closest friends are girls, and when they are turned down, they are DEVASTATED. Rejection isn't something that's easy to handle.

Just moments ago, a girl asked me out. I was surprised. Although I had a clue that she liked me--- constant text messages about nothing, hearing her friends teasing here about me, her friends posting hints on her blog... I always saw her as this shy girl who would never do anything this bold. Her friends are probably to blame. "In this day and age, it's okay for girls to ask guys out", "go for it! you'll never know if you don't ask him", "you should be confident! you're prettier than most girls!"... comments like that probably got to her. Thing is, I don't see her in the way she sees me. I only see her as a friend. I'm not even remotely attracted to her. Knowing how hard it is for girls to get rejected, how can I say no?

This isn't the first time it happened. It doesn't happen most of the time though... most girls get the subtle hints I'm giving out, that it just can't happen. Changing the topic when it veers towards dating. Treating them as if we're just pals. Talking to them about guy stuff, about gross things that you wouldn't dare mention to someone you're attracted. Telling them whom I like, the type of women I like. But sometimes, girls don't get those subtle hints. Or they do get those hints, but they tell themselves "what if I'm just misinterpreting him". Though I find it very difficult, sometimes I have to say it out loud, just to make it perfectly clear. I actually went out on a date before with someone I didn't like, because I didn't want to embarrass her. The encounter was pretty awkward. What's more, everything changed after that. It wouldn't have mattered whether or not I rejected her. It could never be the same again. When it's not out in the open, it's easy to dismiss everything as plain assumptions. When they just resort to anonymous letters, anonymous text and voice messages, anonymous emails, it's easy to ignore even when it's easy to figure out who they really are. Even when they're giving out obvious hints, even when their friends tell me directly, it's still easy to fool oneself into thinking otherwise. But when the cat's out of the bag, it's hard to close my eyes and pretend it isn't there.

30 minutes have passed and I still haven't replied to her message. I'd hate to be blunt, but maybe I have to say those words I myself hate to hear, that "we'd be better off as friends".

Still, I know we can never be friends like we did before. We can deny that it's there, we can say that nothing has changed, but that little bit of awkwardness would linger and probably remain.

Crap. Why do some people have to complicate things?

Light Bearers

It's funny how you can waste time with some people, doing trivial things, or doing nothing at all. It's amazing how you never get bored with certain people, no matter how often you see them, how often you talk to them. Even when there are no new experiences to share, we're content with just small talk, about things that don't even matter in the long run.

Beyond sharing the same interests, true friends are those whom you can count on through thick and thin. They're the ones who remain present when you are at your worse. They are the ones who are there by your side when all the world is against you. They're not the ones who leave you when you make mistakes, instead they help you correct your mistakes. They're not the ones who are quick to judge you, they readily accept you for who you are. You can count on them for almost anything, and they won't expect anything in return.

That's what people say when you ask them to define true friends. Beyond all those clichés, friends are also the people who make you feel better, who gives you a brighter perspective in life, even when they don't do anything. A simple smile can give comfort, and when you look into their eyes you see utmost sincerity. No words are needed for you to understand each other. Their mere presence give you the strength to hold on.

As they say, lovers come and go, but friendship can last a lifetime. When lovers stay, isn't it true that they remain by your side because they've become your friends as well?

I am thankful that I have a few such people present in my life--- people that I can call true friends. Those few people who really understand me. Few people that I can ask to stay with me as I quietly watch the sunset, without bitching how boring it is, even if they really think it's such a waste of time. When the sun has set and clouds fill the sky, they give me hope and shine a light as the world is enveloped in darkness.

Filter

I know I've once said that I've learned to ignore rumors about me. It's partly true--- I've become immune to the lies concocted by losers who have nothing better to do. It's just that sometimes, I can't help but feel affected, especially when close friends --- those people who should know the real you, actually believe those lies.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. Hurt... angry... sad... disappointed... betrayed. Whatever this feeling is, it definitely feels bad.

There's this dirty faggot who kept spreading rumors about me a few years ago. I mentioned that in an entry sometime last year. He kept telling people that I was his boyfriend--- wishful thinking on his part, probably to boost his ego also. The fact that some people believe his fantasies to be true probably made him think that his delusions were within reach. His stories were very detailed. What we did in bed, how I pursued him, how I allegedly tried to win him back when we broke up... plus a whole lot of other sick fantasies that i try not to remember hearing. As proof, he showed his cellphone's inbox, wherein all messages came from me. He often sent messages, usually asking questions about the simplest things, and I always politely replied. How was I to know he would delete text messages from others to create the impression that I kept on sending text messages and actively pursuing him. I really can't blame those people who believed him. They don't know me personally, and if I heard a person telling stories with a lot of very minute details, i would probably believe him. I just find it hard to believe that people would actually think that I could be with a relationship with that fag! In the unlikely event that I would have a relationship with a person of the same sex, I would most likely choose someone who's not that UGLY. I'm not being egotistic here, but Christ, I could do so much better! Isn't it obvious?!

I thought that was resolved three years ago. The day I found out, I confronted the asshole. I wanted to beat him up badly. I was so angry that day, I would've probably killed him if my friends weren't there to stop me. I mean, for more than three years he has been spreading those lies and I had no idea! All the while I was being friendly even though I knew he was gay. I have gay friends so I didn't see why I can't be friends with this person. To make a long story short, my friends calmed me down, and some of them talked to him. They convinced him to apologize to me, and he told his friends who were present there that the stuff he was telling them all those years were all fabricated. I never forgave him. How could I? All the damage that he has caused can't be undone, unless he makes an announcement in front of all the medical students. The worst part was he was my group mate during clerkship, so I was forced to work for one whole year with the person I hated the most.

All that's in the past, and I forgot about the whole thing. I'm in a different environment now, and I haven't seen that asshole since graduation. Then I heard that one of my close friends still believes his lies. Maybe she's not one of my close friends after all--- I just thought she was. She was aware of how pissed I was back then, I told her the whole story before she became friends with that faggot. Apparently they became close during internship because they were group mates and they even shared an apartment. Most likely, that faggot told those stories to her during their internship, a year after HE apologized to me! I thought it was all over! I want to shut him up permanently! But what makes it worse this time is the fact that one of my friends believes him, and that makes me a liar. I don't care if she's closer to him now, I don't even care if that fag is now her best friend! She knows my side of the story--- SHE KNOWS THE TRUTH! And then now she's saying that she doesn't think that that faggot would lie to her! because they're so close now, he can't possibly lie to her! WOW! I just can't believe this! So now I'm the one who's making up stories! I'm the one who's fuckin' delusional! I'm the LIAR!

Crap, isn't she aware that that person is a chronic liar? He has lied about a lot of things, he even lied about his family! It's probably karma when he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer--- why couldn't he have died from that disease so that I would me spared from all this misery? Then again, he can't possibly die from that condition since he probably made that up also. it's okay if they're really close now, she can choose who to be friends with. I just hate the fact that just because she's closer to him, she would believe all the lies he's saying even though I told her before that all those things were untrue. She doesn't have to disregard my side of the story just because we're not a close as we were before.

One good thing came out of this though... Like an effective filter that separates dirt from the grain, another one of my so called friends have been filtered.

Thanks to instances like this, I get to know who my true friends are.

Worst Birthday Ever

Last week, I've had the worst birthday ever. It must be dumb luck, but I've never spent my birthday while on duty at the hospital. And with my current schedule of being on duty on for three straight days then having one day off, it's a miracle that my birthday fell on the day I can go home. For several years now, I don't really see the reason why I should celebrate my birthday. There's the obligatory lunch or dinner with close friends, something I do look forward to, especially if friends that I seldom see are expected to come... but beyond that, there's really nothing extraordinary about birthdays. Like Christmas, the magic has long gone. Birthdays seem so special when I was little.

Anyway, I was really glad when I found out that I can go home on my birthday. I didn't want to celebrate as usual... I just wanted to rest. Rest would be the best birthday gift that i could receive, just one day away from all the toxic work in the hospital. And the last three days prior to my birthday was incredibly tiring. From the emergency room, to the operating room, to the wards--- i was completely worn out. To add insult to injury, besides having to deal with all the work, my senior residents kept scolding and nagging me, almost non stop. i really needed a break! i had to recharge! but guess what? that didn't happen. There's this annoying senior resident that I really despise. She's only on her third year in residency training, yet she feels as if she's one hell of a surgeon already. She always points out our mistakes as if she's so perfect, that motor mouth of hers running non stop. In truth, she's not that good in surgery. Female surgeons are mostly bitchy, probably to compensate for their lack of balls, to create the impression that they can live in a world dominated by men (the department of surgery)... but this resident is extraordinarily bitchy and annoying, I'd always try to control myself from mutilating that darned mouth. First thing in the morning that mouth started running again, about me not being able to do this and that, about me being slow, blah blah blah. And she eve threatened me that I won't be able to go home because I wasn't able to do certain things. That really pissed me off. She does not have the authority to keep me from going home. I was looking forward to going home for days! And It was my birthday for Christ's sake! I told her to watch me go home later. The look on her face was priceless.

Then I had to assist in a long operation. I missed lunch. By the time I got out of the operating room, it was already 6 PM and I still had a lot to do in the wards. So much for being able to go home early. Maybe I would have received better treatment if i told them it was my birthday? I doubt it. I'm sure I'd still be given the same amount of work, and I have to treat these people with lunch or dinner, some of them I'm not even close to. Some of them i really hate, that I cringe at the thought of spending my hard earned money for them.

managed to go home by 9 PM. I thought I'd invite a few people, though I doubted if anyone would show up because it was such a last minute invite, and a lot of my friends' houses are far from mine. No hard feelings if they don't show up... A few did show up, and I really appreciated their efforts. did manage to smile genuinely. My birthday this year is my wost birthday ever, but it wasn't all gloom, thanks to my friends. They've managed to keep me sane. All I needed was to talk to normal people to shake me back into reality.

The Rumour Mill

... it keeps on grinding and grinding, churning and churning.



Funny how almost every single person on this planet finds rumors interesting. Rumors are like sweet little concotions, inherently magnetic, impossible to resist. It's also funny how a person who always tries to keep a low profile, who minds his own business, can still fall victim to stupid rumors. Yeah, I'm talking about myself here.

I have been the subject of nasty rumors for years now, and often those rumors are just recyled, rearing their ugly heads every now and then. What rumors, you say? They say that I'm a drug addict, that I'm taking steroids, that I'm some sort of maniac, that i'm a rumor monger myself, that I'm some gay's boyfriend, that I do something nasty with gays in exchange for something, and oh yeah, let's not forget my most favorite rumor of all, that I'm gay myself.

Let's pretend that we're in court and I'm on trial on the stand--- I shall now defend myself from all those stupid allegations. That drug addict thing started when I was persistently thin, and surfaced again when I lost a lot of weight. Okay, I have tried a few prohibited types of drugs occasionally, different kinds, sporadically. But it's not like I got addicted to any of them. I took them socially... or out of curiosity. I was persistently thin back in grade school and high school because I didn't eat much when I'm in school. I used my allowance to buy videogames and videogame magazines instead. And I lost a lot of weight during clerkship and internship because of the work load! Plus I didn't get to eat much because there are times when I didn't get to eat for a day! There was no time to eat at all! Funny how fellow clerks and interns spread such rumors, it's not like they don't know how much work we are given.

When i started gaining weight in college and med school, people started assuming that I have been taking steriod. WTF?! You really can't please everyone! Whether you've lost or gained weight, those losers will talk about you! i gained weight because I started eating in school, and I ate more when I got home. Plus, I started going to the gym, more on body building exercises than cardiovascular exercises. So there.

There are some people who say I'm a sex maniac, that I'm a pervert, because I have such a filthy mouth,because I know a lot about sex, because I'm addicted to porn... First of all, just because I have a porn collection, that doesn't make me addicted to porn. I mean, is there actually a normal guy out there who doesn't have a porn collection?! I may have more porn than some guys, but that doesn't make me a maniac. I guess i do have a filthy mouth--- I got it from friends who have filty mouths. It's like some contagious disease. And I know a lot about sex because of them too--- my knowledge is a mixture of their knowledge and my knowledge, our collective experiences, so to speak. So what if I know a lot? that doesn't mean I'd go out and rape the first person I see. And it's not like I have a craving for sex. Besides, I can derive pleasure by myself, without anyone's help. That doesn't make me a pervert either. If that's the case, then all men in this planet are perverts.

There are those who say I'm a rumor monger, that it's just karma that I'm often a victim of rumors. Doesn't it follow that if I'm often a victim a rumors, i would not be spreading rumors because I know exactly how it feels to be a victim of rumors? One only needs common sense to realize that! Clearly a lot of stupid people don't even have common sense. Yeah, I know a lot of stuff about people--- because i have a lot of friends who are quite informative, and I can't help it if they keep on divulging information about other people to me. And it's not like i spread those rumors that they tell me. If it's about something that seems to be common knowledge anyway, then I'll tell the rumor if someone asks me about it. And you can ask my close friends--- if they've told me a secret, I would bury that secret deep within me, and I'll carry it to my death. I know a lot of my friend's secrets, and I have never told another soul about them. And those secrets are those deadly ones--- when they come out, those secrets would probably destroy their lives. That's why I really hate it when someone accuses me of being a gossip. I absolutely hate gossips, and i'll definitely hate myself if i turn into one of them.

I have had relationships with gays? I've had isolated sexual experiences with gays? I have close gay friends alright, and I have a very close gay friend. Hey, She's one of my best friends! That doesn't mean I've had relationship with them, nor does that mean I've had sex with them! Can't a straight guy be plain friends with a gay guy? Does it really follow that there's something sexual happening? If a guy is close with a girl, people won't assume that something sexual is involved. How come if a guy is friends with a gay guy, people jump to conclusions?! Maybe it could happen with other straight guy-gay guy friendships, but not with me. but I guess I really can't blame most people... when I see some guy with a gay guy, I initially assume the same thing. I guess it's human nature to jump to such conclusions. Of course it didn't help that some stupid faggot started spreading rumors that I was his boyfriend when we were in college. And some crazy faggot spread the same rumor in med school. Geez, what are the chances of such a thing happening twice in a lifetime?!

Something related to those rumors is the rumor that I'm a gay guy myself. I asked a few close friends about it, and they say it's not like I act gay... It's all the other rumors floating around that makes people assume. And the topic itself is interesting, so it's persistent. After all, "What rumors spread like wildfire?", they asked. For girls, if they're pregnant, and for guys, if they're gay! My friends even find it funny when they imagine me being gay. A gay guy with a very deep voice, with robotic actions, with no finesse at all, who has no fashion sense, who can live without taking a shower, who goes to strip joints, who's such a slob, with such a filthy room. Haha. Haha. Haha. only I don't find it funny. They say it's the rumors that those 2 faggots spread before, that I was their boyfriend--- a lot of gullible people actually believed them. With their very detailed stories of imagined events, who wouldn't? The second one most especially, who invented stories about our numerous sexual encounters, our first kiss, where we go on dates, how I was in bed, how my sexual organ looked like, how we broke up, and how I began stalking him and his new boyfriend afterwards. God, just thinking about it makes me sick! I really wanted to beat him to pulp back then! How can any sane person invent such stories about someone?! Those 2 fags must be lunatics! They should be caged in an asylum! Wishful thinking by crazy loons!

There are also many instances when some insecure guy would tell people that I was gay--- A common defense mechanism by ugly, good for nothing losers, for them to cope up or to focus some attention toward themselves. One of those losers is even a resident now at the department of surgery, so I won't be surprised if the rumors resurface if I decide to work there. Also, Some people who got mad at me seemed to think that it's a natural way to get back at a guy by telling people he's gay. Wow, That's really mature. Also the fact that I was often with my close gay friend back in college fueled the rumors. We watched movies, ate out, and I even took naps at her apartment at times. So what? I can do the same things with my male and female friends, and rumors won't start flowing. And i won't sacrifice our friendship just to save my reputation. My friendship with her is more important than any stranger's perception of me. It's that valuable, real friends are so hard to find. If that's how they think, then to hell with them.

My friends also say that rumors also started during the long gap between my two ex-girlfriends. I was single for almost 4 long years, and that was when people started talking. They say it's impossible for others to think that a good looking guy (sic) who seems to have everything (sic), who has so many admirers, some of whom even give blatant proposals, could actually stay single unless he's gay. What a narrow minded conclusion! I guess it's also human nature to come to such an assumption, but did it ever occur to them that I'm awfully shy when it comes to courting girls? And I didn't really like any of those admirers?! And that I didn't want to jump into another relationship because i was traumatized by the fact that my ex girlfriend was two timing me?! And when I finally found the girl I liked, she still had a boyfriend?! I'm not even counting the months when I was left hanging, waiting for a definite response from her!

I guess I can't stop people from talking... it must be human nature to talk about other people to divert attention from themselves, to distract people from seeing their own faults. Maybe it's even human nature to bring others down, to bring down people who seem better and more interesting. If only I can control people's tongues and stop them from wagging. I've learned to be indifferent, that's the only way to cope. i've learned not to care anymore. To those strangers who keep spreading rumors--- they can shoot themselves in the head for all I care. To hell with those losers. THey are nothing to me. It just hurts when people whom you call your friends, people that you trust, would participate in such rumors. Friends like those, I can live without.

To those friends who defend me from any rumor, you guys are one of God's most precious gifts to me.

To those people who call themselves my friends, yet participate in spreading rumors about me--- A BIG F*CK YOU TO ALL OF YOU. With friends like you, I have no more need for enemies. I've had enough of back stabbers.

And to those millions of people who derive pleasure from spreading rumors--- Go screw yourselves instead of prying on other people's lives. Your lives must be really pathetic to even think the lives of others are more worthy of your attention. If you stopped prying at the lives of others and instead start focusing on your own, you could start fixing your own lives, then maybe you won't be such BIG LOSERS.

I hope karma strikes, so that all of you losers would feel how it is to be victims of such rumors.

That's quite impossible though, wishful thinking on my part.

After all, who the heck would want to talk about STUPID LOSERS like yourselves?

Friendship is Relative

Don't you think is sucks, when friendship can be set aside so quickly, no matter how strong the foundation is? i used to have this close friend, who incidentally is the best friend of my ex girlfriend. funny how she would always hate me everytime my ex and I fought. She always took the side of her best friend, and now that the relationship is over, it seems that she hates me even more. What makes me feel even worse is, she's basing her hatred on the lies her best friend told her--- that I said this and that, that i did this and that... the least she could do was ask for my side of the story first before hating me. I think she owes me that at least, for the sake of our friendship.

I find that funny. When two of my friends fight, i don't just take the side of the one I'm closer to. i try my best to be the mediator, or at least stay neutral when things seem impossible to fix. I can't just hate a friend who hasn't done anything to hurt me, just because he or she did something to a friend I'm closer to. Maybe if that soemone was a complete stranger,but not someone I consider a friend. Maybe that's just me--- it would be foolish for me to expect every other person to behave the same way.

sometimes I wish i could turn back time, back when i wasn't involved with her best friend, back when we still enjoyed each other's company. then again, if she can set aside our friendship just like that, friends like her i can live without.