It's in the News

I don't like being idle. because the first thing I do when I'm idle is surf the net. And then i eventually end up in web sites that i don't usually frequent. Including sites that keep me up to date on the things that are happening back home. And you know how I feel about the things that happen back home. Sure, a few can bring a smile to my face... but a lot of things just make me sad. A lot of things make me feel ashamed and disappointed. And a lot of things can totally piss me off.

Just browsing through these so called legitimate and professional websites is enough to make one lose his temper. How can you have much respect for these news organizations when they often resort to tabloid journalism. They prefer to sensationalize everything, even the most insignificant things just to gain more attention. They prefer to add melodrama to everything, because that would tug the hearts of most people, and therefore increasing patronage. They have the gall to proclaim that as news organizations, they have no bias--- yet the very first sentence of every article screams bias. Instead of simply telling the news, they insert their own opinions. Some articles even begin with the opinion of the author, instead of presenting the facts first. A lot of these journalists insert adjectives, like how one party is rich while the other is poor, or how one party has a lot of supporters while the other has none, effectively imposing on their target audiences their own bias. Several news reports would focus on sob stories of one party, using all available tools just to elicit more emotion and sympathy from their readers, some extending to several pages without getting the side of the other party. And if they did, the articles about the party that they do not favor would be restricted to several paragraphs, or littered with words that would put them in a negative light. They aim to condition the minds of their readers to feel the same way they do, to empathize with the same people that they feel sympathy for. Some don't even lay out the whole truth, just bits and pieces of it. Then they embellish the article with their own opinions--- just enough to attract attention, yet at times they want it to be downright scandalous. It's the same with the news that they broadcast on TV. It's all about sensationalism so that they can get more attention, so that they can get higher ratings. Who cares if such actions could muddle police work, who cares if they could interfere with the judicial system, who cares if their actions could end up hurting a lot of people? These people claim that it's their duty to tell the news, that they're doing it as service for the people. What a load of bullshit. When things go wrong, they resort to pointing fingers, and they cannot be blamed because they were doing their duty. They act as if they are being oppressed, as if they were victims as well. Boo fuckin' hoo. Forgive me if I have no sympathy for these so called journalists. If they want intelligent people to believe in the things that they are saying, if they want us to believe that it's not all about the money to them, then they better start doing their jobs properly. Enough of sensationalism, bias, and melodrama. They belong in scripted shows on TV, not on the evening news. Opinions and bias should be placed on the opinion pages of newspapers, not on the front page. How can one have much respect for the media when they assume that people want sensationalism and melodrama? And even if the people do, how can one respect an institution that even patronizes and encourages such behavior instead of being a tool for change? How can one have much respect for these institutions when most of their actions reflect the selfish motives beneath that cloak of social service? They have the capability to promote change, they have the capacity to exert great influence, yet they do not choose to use that power properly. Because in the end, it's all about ratings, it's all about money. Anything that can jeopardize their place in the ratings game should not even be attempted. And how can one respect a nation's people when they allow themselves to be used by the media and certain powerful individuals, when they allow their minds to be conditioned in certain ways? How can you have faith in a nation when the majority of its population clamor for brainless, sensationalized and tainted journalism instead of demanding that they get the facts straight without all the embellishment--- without all the added stuffing that only serve to muddle everything? How can one have faith in his people when they let other people dictate beliefs on them, even when they are capable of independent and unbiased thinking? How can one still respect a nation when majority of its population fail to use their gift of logical reasoning because that always let emotions get in the way?

Oh, that's right. I've lost faith and respect for these people a long time ago. And so far, nothing that has happened during the past few months can restore my faith in them again.

...

So why do i still fuckin' care?

Further Disillusionment

The five stages of grief according to the Kübler-Ross model consists of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and lastly, acceptance. When it comes to politics in this country, the intelligent people have been resigned to that state of acceptance for the longest time. When history has shown that we as a people fail to make the wisest decisions time and time again, those people who use their heads have accepted the fact that as a nation, we will be heading nowhere.

I however, have been trapped in the stages of denial and anger for so long. Maybe it's about time for me to move on. i should no longer be surprised. i should stop being so hopeful because I just end up being so angry and disappointed in the end. I guess it's about time that I accepted the fact that this country is riding on the non stop train to oblivion.

For you to understand why I am so affected, why I seem to care too much when most of my peers choose to be apolitical, you have to understand where these feelings are coming from. Ever since I’ve started this so called career, save for the few months when I’ve worked at a private hospital (where I’ve felt so out of place), I have been working for government institutions. I know how life is for the poorest of our countrymen, how their lives are defined by hopelessness and despair. I’m not like most of my friends who work at private companies, where all they care about is to pass through each they, and get their salaries bimonthly to support their own needs as well as their families. I don’t do all that work for financial needs. I work because I want to help. A lot of times, I’ve used up my monthly salary just to buy things for those patients who lack the means to buy the necessary supplies. Many times I’ve done volunteer work, where I’ve spent long hours seeing patients without any sort of compensation for my services whatsoever--- because I wanted to help. And there’s an incredible lack of manpower because there were very few people like me who wanted to help without asking for anything in return. And with the present state this country is in wherein almost everyone is affected by these hash times, fewer people could even afford to help. I’m not some sheltered prince who’s oblivious to the ways of the real world. I may have been one before, but for the past few years I have been with those people who are neglected, used and trampled upon. I have seen them with my own eyes, I have touched them with my own hands, and I have shared in their pain.

It was sometime last year that I have finally become disillusioned with it all. Every time I complain, every time I would try and gather our collective voices for change, I kept on hearing the same answer. The system has been rotten for years, and there’s nothing I can do about it. If I hate the system so much, all of my superiors would say that I was free to leave and search for my ideal working environment, wherever that may be. At first I was adamant, but inevitably I accepted defeat. There’s no way I can change things, I am just one man. And the fact that everyone seems to be contented with the status quo that they do not even want to exert any effort to try to change things makes it impossible. I have accepted defeat. There’s no way I can help others, when these very people I want to help refuse to help themselves. And it’s even more frustrating when these people who obviously need help refuse to recognize the fact that they need help.

I resent the fact that some people have called me unpatriotic when I’ve made this decision. Excuse me for saying this, but what have these people done for their country? I’m willing to bet that in the few years that I have served my countrymen, I have done more than what most people in this country would do for their nation in their entire lifetime. So excuse me for finally getting fed up with the system. Excuse me for finally giving up. To continue living a life like that where i am experiencing constant strain and frustration would be a little too much for me to handle. To continue living a life like that is bound to kill me.

The result of this year’s elections further vindicates my decision. Can you blame me if I felt that here was one opportunity when we could finally have some changes? Changes that weren’t possible if I tried to do them on my own? That’s why I find the results so frustrating. Here was a glimmer of hope, but it turned out to be nothing but a mirage. Here was another chance to turn things around, and we blew it, yet again. Contrary to what others think, I do not hate specific candidates. I’m not convincing people to vote for a specific candidate either. I just want people to use their heads. That’s it. It’s the way people vote that really pisses me off. They say they think about their decisions, but once you ask them further, they are at a loss for words, which completely negates their statement that they make informed decisions. When asked, may people say one liners, similar to those campaign slogans used by candidates, as if it ends there. They say we should just respect each other’s decisions? Well forgive me for saying this, but just like trust, respect is something you earn, it’s not just given away for free. I may not agree with your choice, but say something that makes sense in defense of your choice and I will respect your choice. I just want to hear something that makes sense so that I may believe that you have made an informed decision. But if you can’t say something sensible to justify your choices, at most I could be civil with your decision. Asking for respect is a little too much.

Some have commented that I was so negative, that I resorted to bashing specific candidates instead of just pointing out the positive traits of my choices to convince others. First of all, I wasn’t trying to entice people to vote the candidates that I preferred. I want to open their eyes, I want them to be open to other possibilities so that they may make informed decisions. And let’s face it. I posted positive things before, and I didn’t get any reaction. but when I started my bashing spree, that’s when people took notice. Some people agreed with me, some people took offense. But hey, I got reactions. That’s one fact of life. Talk to people in a nice manner, and you’d be completely ignored. It would take something extreme to get people’s attention and hopefully knock some sense into them. And hey, I managed to open the eyes of at least three people. And save for the few who blew their top when they ran out of things to say in defense of their candidate, I’ve had several meaningful conversations with some people, I got to hear sensible answers, something that would never have happened if I chose to stay silent.

Some saw me as arrogant. Thinking that I was too stubborn, thinking that I was the only one who was right, and all others were wrong. Some even say that I was so narrow minded. How can I be narrow minded when I reviewed each candidate’s platforms for months, when I kept on watching those debates and discussions again and again so that I can reach a truly informed decision? I doubt if those fanatics ever considered what the other candidates had to say. They are the ones who are narrow minded, and I find it laughable that they would label me as such. They’ve completely bought the marketing strategy of one candidate, that it’s a battle between good and evil, and he alone leads the forces of good, and that he has a monopoly on integrity. I didn’t buy all that bullshit because I know for a fact that other candidates could offer what he’s claiming to offer, plus a whole lot more. And anyone who claims to have analyzed each candidate’s platforms would realize that only two candidates have made promises that they can actually keep. The others just kept on spewing whatever the people want to hear, and no one realizes that all those words are nothing but empty promises. I’m a realist. I’m not a fan of blind faith. Miracles don’t happen everyday after all. I need to look at a candidate’s track record and I need to see if he is capable of doing the things that he says he can do. And to choose the leading candidate is tantamount to giving blind faith. There has to be something that I can hold onto, and he offers absolutely none. This is not a progressive country, and at the depths we’re in now, we can’t afford to keep on praying for miracles, we can’t afford to put our trust on something that isn’t realistic and attainable. As a nation, we can’t afford the luxury of blind faith.

I’m not saddened that one candidate won. I am saddened with the results of the elections as a whole. I thought it was impossible to sink into further depths of disillusionment, but that’s where I am now. I’ve completely lost faith in our people. Just by looking at the winners in most positions, and looking at the runner ups… it only proves that people are still dumb enough to buy all that propaganda. It only shows that people do not learn from the past. One man used to say that our people are worth dying for. I doubt if he would say the same thing now. Would you give up your life for a nation that doesn’t care? Nothing could be more stupid than to give up one’s own life for a nation of imbeciles.

Two of my friends got it right. I asked them why they are supporting a certain candidate, who obviously pales in comparison to all the others. They told me to get real. They pointed out that even though I’m a realist, I kept pinning on the ideal. They pointed out that I am a study in contradiction. If I am really a realist, I should accept the reality--- THAT I LIVE IN A NATION OF MORONS. It’s always about charisma, it’s all about popularity, it’s all about the right kind of propaganda. They turn a blind eye to one of the most qualified candidates because he speaks harsh words, because he speaks the truth. He makes no lofty promises, only those that are attainable, but apparently realistic goals are too boring for most people. He makes no attempt to woo the voters with sweet words because he means business, and because he believed that voters are now mature enough to look past all the fluff of propaganda… and he was so wrong to put that much faith in our people. These people do not want to hear the truth because it is so offensive to them. All prefer to hear what’s nice to hear, no matter how surreal, no matter how absurd. People wouldn’t know what’s good for them even if it’s already right at their faces. The ideal is not an option in a country full of morons. The intelligent people have no choice but to choose the lesser evil, because that's the only choice available, as dictated by the overwhelming moronic majority. When the ideal is not an option, the best that the thinking class can do is to choose the less stupid choice. Those are very harsh words indeed, but I have to agree with my friends. In the case of this pathetic excuse for a nation, nothing hurts as much as the truth.

So I’m sorry for contradicting myself. I apologize for thinking reforms are possible in a country so content to lie down in mud and grime, that any form of change is impossible. By actually thinking we can change things when it is clear that we cannot, I was thinking like most people in this country. By believing in the impossible, I WAS ALSO THINKING LIKE A MORON.

But everyone deserves a chance right? I don’t want this country to sink further into the depths of mediocrity after all… there’s nothing more I can do about it, we should just learn to deal with the repercussions. All I can do this time is hope for the best, and that everyone proves me wrong. But for now, there’s really nothing to hold onto, is there? When all you’ve got are lofty dreams that would need miracles in order to fulfill, I can’t help but feel so pessimistic. In a few years, we will know if our people have finally made the right choice, or made another stupid mistake like they always do. Although most signs point to the latter, anything is still possible. In a few short years, we will all know. But by that time, I wouldn’t even care anymore. I’d be so far away, that I wouldn’t even care whatever happens to this god forsaken country... even if I wanted to.

The Social Experiment

It started out as a prank. We just wanted to prove a point--- that one of our friends just keep on adding friends in Facebook, even people he doesn't know personally, for whatever reason... i dunno... maybe to bloat his friends list, to get to know a lot of people, or maybe to create a false impression of popularity. Or maybe he's just too nice that he can't possibly reject a friend request from another person online. We never meant to do any harm. We just did it for fun.

So that the account wouldn't look suspicious, I had to add random people. I figured that at least 10 people would add strangers to their accounts. That would be enough for the account that we have created to look legitimate. The exact number? I figured that I had to add more than a hundred. The more people I send requests to, the more chances to gain "friends". I sent 120 invites to be exact. 60 men, and 60 women. After a few days, as more and more people accepted our requests, it turned out to be an amusing social experiment. Sure, we only had a small sample size, so the results may not be similar when done on a larger scale, but still--- our findings do provide a glimpse onto the human psyche. So what were the results?

Surprisingly, more than half accepted our friend request. What could that mean? It could mean that a lot of people like having lots of people in their friends lists. Maybe they just love meeting different people. Maybe they love the false sense of popularity that they get from a bloated friends list. or maybe there's just a lot of lonely people in the world.

More men accepted our friend requests. I guess women tend to be more suspicious when it comes to strangers adding them. That makes sense. After all, women are more prone to be the targets of sexual predators than men.

Personally, i was surprised when i added some people i knew personally, and they accepted our friend requests. Let's just say that i never would have though that these friends of mine would accept a friend request from a total stranger. LOL.

But what surprised me the most was the fact that none of these people were using the extensive privacy settings that were available on Facebook. It's one thing to accept a friend request, but to reveal a lot of your personal information to a complete stranger? It's good for them that i do not mean any harm. But what if my goal was to commit online fraud? or what if I was a sexual predator looking for possible victims? There sure are a lot of gullible people out there, and I just can't fathom how people can trust complete strangers with their personal information. Christ, i have access to all their pictures. I can see their email addresses, complete mailing addresses, and telephone numbers. Crimes committed online and sexual predators using social networking sites are all over the news, I was really surprised at how people can be so trusting.

On a lighter note... I guess if your goal is to make new friends, pick a cool looking profile picture. Even something as simple as a silhouette of a person doing an extreme sport like skydiving, snow boarding, or surfing can make you go far--- that can make your profile look cool and attractive, and more people are bound to accept. LOL.

Now what about our original goal? In that regard, our social experiment was a failure. Our friend just kept ignoring our friend request. Either he suspects something fishy, or he has already changed his old ways.

If that's the case, well then... that's good for him. :)

No Humor

I just can't help but feel a sense of pity and a certain degree of contempt towards some people. Recently, a few folks from the workplace discovered my full name. Most people only know me by my nickname. Most people find my name too long, so I'm often introduced by my nickname. In fact, I'm rarely called by my full name--- I only hear my full name when my parents are angry, or during the first day of classes in school, before the teachers ask for my nickname so they can call me with that instead. Presently, the only people who know my full name are my close friends and relatives, or those who have access to my papers. That's one reason why I chose to use my full name on the social networking site I use most often, so that I could filter out the strangers and stalkers. That backfired though--- my classmates from elementary school, a number of whom I've never even talked to back then, have started adding me up because they know my full name. Social networking sites are really full of shepherds--- those people who keep on adding and adding people up, even the ones they have only met for a single second in their lives, in order to create a huge network of "friends"... to create some false sense of popularity, i guess. But hey, that's not what this is about.

So yeah, those folks discovered my full name, and for some reason they found it incredibly funny, and they kept on taunting me with my own name. D-oh. As if that would work. They said I was obviously struggling to keep a smiling face, but deep inside I was getting pissed. They said i was obviously getting annoyed. I don't think my name is funny; it's not even strange. Heck, it's a fairly common name, just not on these parts of the world. Do a search on the net and you'd find dozens of people who have the same name. So was I getting annoyed? Far from it. In truth, I was mildly amused, but there's also that overwhelming sense of pity. For some reason, my name seems strange to people belonging to the lower class, and some children find my name strange too, that's why they think it's funny. And what do children and people from the lower classes of society have in common? Lack of intellect, lack of knowledge--- at least when compared to the educated folks in our midst. It's true, I really pity them. The last time someone taunted me with my own name was way back in second grade, when a few of my classmates found my name funny. That was more than 20 years ago. Now, I find myself in the company of men in their late twenties and early thirties whose sense of humor is at par with that of a seven year old. Now that's something to laugh about. That's even funnier than my name. In fact, that's more than just funny.

It's pathetic, it's shameful, and downright pitiful.

What Evil Lurks

... In the hearts of men.

Last night's tour of duty at the emergency room was more tiring than usual. Trauma patients came in one after the other. As expected, a lot of patients came in because of injuries due to vehicular accidents--- an ominous sign that Christmas is fast approaching... the number of accidents resulting from drunk driving has been steadily increasing. The other trauma patients suffered from stab wounds and gunshot wounds... another ominous sign of the season. All were held up, asked to surrender their valuables, and ended up getting stabbed or shot when they refused. What is it with the Christmas season that pushes several individuals to such means? Is the pressure to provide happiness to their own families for at least one day each year too great, that some people would resort to such violent methods? Do such selfish ends justify such means? The Christmas season may bring out the best in people--- those who are aloof suddenly become caring, those who are selfish suddenly turn selfless... yet it also has the tendency to bring the worst in us.

I remember about a month ago, while I was stuck in traffic, I witnessed with my own eyes a scene that I'd probably remember for the rest of my life. First I saw a man running as fast as he could, with one hand on his side, blood flowing between his fingers. Then several seconds later another man was apparently running after him, full of hate in his eyes, with a huge knife on one hand, shouting expletives as he was approaching his target. Murder was definitely in his eyes, oblivious to the world around him. The fact that a lot of witnesses were around him did not seem to faze him. I never knew what happened afterward, I didn't leave my car. I didn't see it in the evening news... maybe the man escaped, or maybe such events are already commonplace that the media do not consider such things as news.

What would it take for us to act completely out of character? What would exactly drive us to commit cold blooded murder? If man is inherently good, why are we capable of such horrible acts that make us seem made of nothing but pure evil? This season was meant for love and giving, for forgiveness and sharing. How could it be an impetus for acts that completely do the opposite? If this season could be distorted by the selfish motives of several men, I couldn't help but think that evil may be inherent in some of us. No matter how we sugar coat it, no matter how hard we try to hide it, when all the garnishing has been set aside, our eyes would bear witness to the ugly truth. Not all men are inherently good. We may not be inherently anything at all. Our future decisions are derived form past actions, not form something we were born with. Out of need , out of necessity or out of pure want, some of us commit actions that most people would never do. It would be safe to conclude that some of us are simply meant to be monsters rather than human.

The Rumour Mill

... it keeps on grinding and grinding, churning and churning.



Funny how almost every single person on this planet finds rumors interesting. Rumors are like sweet little concotions, inherently magnetic, impossible to resist. It's also funny how a person who always tries to keep a low profile, who minds his own business, can still fall victim to stupid rumors. Yeah, I'm talking about myself here.

I have been the subject of nasty rumors for years now, and often those rumors are just recyled, rearing their ugly heads every now and then. What rumors, you say? They say that I'm a drug addict, that I'm taking steroids, that I'm some sort of maniac, that i'm a rumor monger myself, that I'm some gay's boyfriend, that I do something nasty with gays in exchange for something, and oh yeah, let's not forget my most favorite rumor of all, that I'm gay myself.

Let's pretend that we're in court and I'm on trial on the stand--- I shall now defend myself from all those stupid allegations. That drug addict thing started when I was persistently thin, and surfaced again when I lost a lot of weight. Okay, I have tried a few prohibited types of drugs occasionally, different kinds, sporadically. But it's not like I got addicted to any of them. I took them socially... or out of curiosity. I was persistently thin back in grade school and high school because I didn't eat much when I'm in school. I used my allowance to buy videogames and videogame magazines instead. And I lost a lot of weight during clerkship and internship because of the work load! Plus I didn't get to eat much because there are times when I didn't get to eat for a day! There was no time to eat at all! Funny how fellow clerks and interns spread such rumors, it's not like they don't know how much work we are given.

When i started gaining weight in college and med school, people started assuming that I have been taking steriod. WTF?! You really can't please everyone! Whether you've lost or gained weight, those losers will talk about you! i gained weight because I started eating in school, and I ate more when I got home. Plus, I started going to the gym, more on body building exercises than cardiovascular exercises. So there.

There are some people who say I'm a sex maniac, that I'm a pervert, because I have such a filthy mouth,because I know a lot about sex, because I'm addicted to porn... First of all, just because I have a porn collection, that doesn't make me addicted to porn. I mean, is there actually a normal guy out there who doesn't have a porn collection?! I may have more porn than some guys, but that doesn't make me a maniac. I guess i do have a filthy mouth--- I got it from friends who have filty mouths. It's like some contagious disease. And I know a lot about sex because of them too--- my knowledge is a mixture of their knowledge and my knowledge, our collective experiences, so to speak. So what if I know a lot? that doesn't mean I'd go out and rape the first person I see. And it's not like I have a craving for sex. Besides, I can derive pleasure by myself, without anyone's help. That doesn't make me a pervert either. If that's the case, then all men in this planet are perverts.

There are those who say I'm a rumor monger, that it's just karma that I'm often a victim of rumors. Doesn't it follow that if I'm often a victim a rumors, i would not be spreading rumors because I know exactly how it feels to be a victim of rumors? One only needs common sense to realize that! Clearly a lot of stupid people don't even have common sense. Yeah, I know a lot of stuff about people--- because i have a lot of friends who are quite informative, and I can't help it if they keep on divulging information about other people to me. And it's not like i spread those rumors that they tell me. If it's about something that seems to be common knowledge anyway, then I'll tell the rumor if someone asks me about it. And you can ask my close friends--- if they've told me a secret, I would bury that secret deep within me, and I'll carry it to my death. I know a lot of my friend's secrets, and I have never told another soul about them. And those secrets are those deadly ones--- when they come out, those secrets would probably destroy their lives. That's why I really hate it when someone accuses me of being a gossip. I absolutely hate gossips, and i'll definitely hate myself if i turn into one of them.

I have had relationships with gays? I've had isolated sexual experiences with gays? I have close gay friends alright, and I have a very close gay friend. Hey, She's one of my best friends! That doesn't mean I've had relationship with them, nor does that mean I've had sex with them! Can't a straight guy be plain friends with a gay guy? Does it really follow that there's something sexual happening? If a guy is close with a girl, people won't assume that something sexual is involved. How come if a guy is friends with a gay guy, people jump to conclusions?! Maybe it could happen with other straight guy-gay guy friendships, but not with me. but I guess I really can't blame most people... when I see some guy with a gay guy, I initially assume the same thing. I guess it's human nature to jump to such conclusions. Of course it didn't help that some stupid faggot started spreading rumors that I was his boyfriend when we were in college. And some crazy faggot spread the same rumor in med school. Geez, what are the chances of such a thing happening twice in a lifetime?!

Something related to those rumors is the rumor that I'm a gay guy myself. I asked a few close friends about it, and they say it's not like I act gay... It's all the other rumors floating around that makes people assume. And the topic itself is interesting, so it's persistent. After all, "What rumors spread like wildfire?", they asked. For girls, if they're pregnant, and for guys, if they're gay! My friends even find it funny when they imagine me being gay. A gay guy with a very deep voice, with robotic actions, with no finesse at all, who has no fashion sense, who can live without taking a shower, who goes to strip joints, who's such a slob, with such a filthy room. Haha. Haha. Haha. only I don't find it funny. They say it's the rumors that those 2 faggots spread before, that I was their boyfriend--- a lot of gullible people actually believed them. With their very detailed stories of imagined events, who wouldn't? The second one most especially, who invented stories about our numerous sexual encounters, our first kiss, where we go on dates, how I was in bed, how my sexual organ looked like, how we broke up, and how I began stalking him and his new boyfriend afterwards. God, just thinking about it makes me sick! I really wanted to beat him to pulp back then! How can any sane person invent such stories about someone?! Those 2 fags must be lunatics! They should be caged in an asylum! Wishful thinking by crazy loons!

There are also many instances when some insecure guy would tell people that I was gay--- A common defense mechanism by ugly, good for nothing losers, for them to cope up or to focus some attention toward themselves. One of those losers is even a resident now at the department of surgery, so I won't be surprised if the rumors resurface if I decide to work there. Also, Some people who got mad at me seemed to think that it's a natural way to get back at a guy by telling people he's gay. Wow, That's really mature. Also the fact that I was often with my close gay friend back in college fueled the rumors. We watched movies, ate out, and I even took naps at her apartment at times. So what? I can do the same things with my male and female friends, and rumors won't start flowing. And i won't sacrifice our friendship just to save my reputation. My friendship with her is more important than any stranger's perception of me. It's that valuable, real friends are so hard to find. If that's how they think, then to hell with them.

My friends also say that rumors also started during the long gap between my two ex-girlfriends. I was single for almost 4 long years, and that was when people started talking. They say it's impossible for others to think that a good looking guy (sic) who seems to have everything (sic), who has so many admirers, some of whom even give blatant proposals, could actually stay single unless he's gay. What a narrow minded conclusion! I guess it's also human nature to come to such an assumption, but did it ever occur to them that I'm awfully shy when it comes to courting girls? And I didn't really like any of those admirers?! And that I didn't want to jump into another relationship because i was traumatized by the fact that my ex girlfriend was two timing me?! And when I finally found the girl I liked, she still had a boyfriend?! I'm not even counting the months when I was left hanging, waiting for a definite response from her!

I guess I can't stop people from talking... it must be human nature to talk about other people to divert attention from themselves, to distract people from seeing their own faults. Maybe it's even human nature to bring others down, to bring down people who seem better and more interesting. If only I can control people's tongues and stop them from wagging. I've learned to be indifferent, that's the only way to cope. i've learned not to care anymore. To those strangers who keep spreading rumors--- they can shoot themselves in the head for all I care. To hell with those losers. THey are nothing to me. It just hurts when people whom you call your friends, people that you trust, would participate in such rumors. Friends like those, I can live without.

To those friends who defend me from any rumor, you guys are one of God's most precious gifts to me.

To those people who call themselves my friends, yet participate in spreading rumors about me--- A BIG F*CK YOU TO ALL OF YOU. With friends like you, I have no more need for enemies. I've had enough of back stabbers.

And to those millions of people who derive pleasure from spreading rumors--- Go screw yourselves instead of prying on other people's lives. Your lives must be really pathetic to even think the lives of others are more worthy of your attention. If you stopped prying at the lives of others and instead start focusing on your own, you could start fixing your own lives, then maybe you won't be such BIG LOSERS.

I hope karma strikes, so that all of you losers would feel how it is to be victims of such rumors.

That's quite impossible though, wishful thinking on my part.

After all, who the heck would want to talk about STUPID LOSERS like yourselves?

Dissecting the Female Mind

Reality shows amuse me. I know a lot of them are crap, but for the established shows like Survivor and The Apprentice, the novelty doesn't wear off despite the repetitive mechanics because they're dealing with a different set of people each season, so no two seasons are exactly alike. What amazes me is the great deal of insights on human behavior that we see when watching these shows. I particularly enjoy seasons wherein they separate men from women into 2 different groups. The differences between genders are so explicit, you'd marvel at how these differences are so universal, that you actually experience the same idiosyncrasies in everyday life.

I find it amusing that almost always, the women's group self destructs due to internal conflicts. The bickering never stops! It can be discreet backstabbing that eventually comes out in the open due to one blabbermouth, but often, these women don't hesitate to speak their mind, with explosive consequences. And in contrast, the men's group are the first to bond with each other. If any conflicts would arise, it would arise later on. And often these are resolved, with a few remnants of backstabbing here and there, but the men can get their act together despite those conflicts and work together efficiently. It never comes to the point that the group crumbles due to such conflicts.

With my past relationships, I've noticed such differences, which are often the cause of many quarrels. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus indeed. It's enough to drive a man crazy trying to understand the female mind! For one thing, I don't like the fact that women say one thing when they actually mean another thing. One would think men need a translator to understand what they really want. And they say men lack communication, when they can't even communicate properly as well! Or when we fight, I notice how they can't keep their mouth shut--- they'd blab about the problem to almost every friend--- or in the case of my ex, she'd blab about it to every single person that she'd encounter, strangers included, complete with waterworks to gain sympathy. Conflicts that arise in a relationship are a private matter, right? So why is there a need to involve other people, when the two people involved should fix things themselves? It's okay to seek advice, but involving others to get sympathy or to have added firepower on your side of the war is another matter. As for me? I choose to keep quiet, unless my friends are really persistent in probing--- that's when I speak out. And it's not for getting support, it's plainly for advice. And I know I'm not the only one like that. When my female friends fight with their boyfriends, they would tell me all about it as soon a possible. And most of them don't really listen to good advice, they'd just want you to tell them that they're the one who's right. I've had several violent reactions when I tell them they might be the ones at fault. As for my male friends? Like me, they don't usually talk about their relationship problems. Maybe it's partly because women can get sympathy easily. Just shed a tear and there would be a mountain of support for you. But if you're a man who sheds a tear, you'd most probably get laughed at and be called a wimp. But mostly, i think it's because handling relationship problems on your own makes a man a man. Involving others in your plight is a sign of weakness.

Women often complain about gender inequalities, how men often have the advantage in certain things. Well, when it comes to gaining sympathy, women definitely have the upper hand, as I have stated above. Another example? Women can scream sexual harrassment even when there's no harrassment at all, just to get back at someone, probably. and most probably, a lot of people will believe them. Men crying sexual harrassment would most probably be ignored, even if they really were harrassed... because in this world, the common perception is: WOMEN CAN'T BE ATTACKERS. MEN CAN'T BE VICTIMS. Women can also use sexuality as a weapon, for crying out loud--- and a lot of women are aware of that. And men using sexuality as a weapon? not as effective. In certain aspects of life, men have it better; in others, women have the edge. So what's with all the complaining? Everything evens out, eventually. All this fuss about gender equality and cry for women's liberation is confusing... and it seems like a lot of nonsense to me. How can a lot of these women still be fighting fiercely for equality when in today's world, men and women are mostly treated as equals? Sure, in some places gender discrimination still exists, but in most places, such discrimination is a thing of the past. And it's not like men are not discriminated. Notice also how this equality is relative. If they really want equality, then they'd better not expect guys to pick up the tab everytime they go out on dates.

I also notice how women and their close friends tend to flock together in the face of adversity, without even thinking if what they're doing is right. It's all about sticking together. When I fought with my ex, her blind, loyal followers gang up on me. It's like they've lost their own sense of judgment, as if they have been possessed by a single person. If my ex was mad at me, they're all mad at me. Forget about friendship with them as individuals. If you get the ire of one, you get the ire of everyone. it's like individual thought processes have been lost. Now imagine men doing that. Seems silly doesn't it?

Most women i know deny such things when they're brought up in casual conversation. Then i've recently had a talk with this girl who's more of an acquaintance. We talked about my ex because she kept asking me what happened. I told her my gripes with my past relationship, some of which I've mentioned above. I was surprised when she told me matter of factly, that women are really like that. There's this always present insecurity just beneath the surface, trying to come out. That's why they need all the support they can get. And men should understand that. Maybe because she has a degree in Psychology, maybe she's just above us all and incapable of bias (she pointed out my faults as well as hers), or maybe sometimes she can actually think like men. Maybe at times, she puts herself in men's shoes. She can see faults in both genders. I found it funny when she said I should watch the movie Mean Girls. In a serious tone, she told me the movie mirrors female behavior in real life perfectly, and yet a lot of women won't admit that. She said I'd probably get some insights when I watch that movie. So I watched it on DVD. besides getting insights, I also had a ton of laughs. hehe. Funny how the movie's tagline says it all--- Welcome to Girl World. Watch you back.

I think relationships would be easier if sometimes, women can think like men. I'm sure, as a retort, they'll say it would be easier if men would think like women also. Yeah right. Just by watching those reality shows, a clash between women and men who think like women would result in utter mayhem. But I guess it won't hurt if men think like women--- SOMETIMES. I've heard a lot of women say the expression "men: can't live with them, can't live without them.", that it gets irritating already. As if men are the only ones at fault. I wonder if they're aware that men sometimes think we can't live with them, and can't live without them,too.

Voyeur View

I've just spent the last 3 hours of my study time doing something else instead of studying. It has become a habit that I click the "next blog" button whenever I view my blog--- I just seemed to have this undying urge to keep on clicking and clicking on that button today. The blogs I've read earlier seemed to be extra interesting. I've become fascinated with the lives and thoughts of other people, it's like seeing things through the eyes of these strangers. It's amazing how different each person thinks and behaves. I'm like a voyeur--- in a decent sort of way. It's like watching other people's lives from a hidden vantage point. There's this odd fascination, not unlike watching a fish in a fishbowl all day, even though nothing happens... you just can't seem to take your eyes off it, wondering what it may do, wondering how life is from another creature's point of view. Reading other people's blogs has become a guilty pleasure for me. I'm sure I'm not alone, judging from the many comments on the different blogs that I've seen.

Many times before, I used to take this "jeepney ride to nowhere" when I have nothing to do, or when I'm stressed out or really pissed off. What I'm doing now seems a bit similar. The whole activity strangely soothes my nerves, it relaxes me. I often just sit and watch my surroundings--- what people are doing on the streets, how my fellow passengers behave, how they look, how they inteact with one another, what they must be thinking or feeling. I'm not a snoop--- I'm not waiting for interesting things to happen just so I can tell them to others. I just like watching people, I'm awed with their peculiarities, their uniqueness from each other. We truly are one of God's most complex and amazing creations.

Because of this fascination, I used to consider being a psychologist... "shrinkologist" to some people. But I've discovered I don't have much patience with most psychiatric patients, those who are not in their proper state of mind. hehe. I bet if there was a way to watch myself from a third person's perspective, I would probably find my behavior amusing, especially with my jumbled thoughts and erratic behavior lately...


gah!!! got to turn this computer off now and do some studying.

The Price of Fame

So here I am, taking a break from studying (if you can actually call what I've been doing STUDYING)... ate a light snack, surfed the net, when I came across some news, one regarding a certain international actress who's birth is imminent. Yeah, I'm aware that Angelina Jolie is about to give birth soon, I don't live under a rock, you know. and besides, it's practically bannered on the Yahoo! homepage.... so why am I being defensive here?! hehe.

Man, It must be hard being famous ---despite the fame, the money, the glamour, and all that sweet stuff. There are a lot of drawbacks, mostly pertaining to privacy, and that includes health care. Sometimes you'd wonder if losing privacy is worth all that fame and fortune. For crying out loud, even when you're about to give birth you'll still be worried about photographers and journalists hounding you?! Based on my own experience, anonimity is one of life's great benefits. The right to privacy is one of those rights that make you feel free. I'd probably die if i lose that. Several times the offer has been dangled on me (i refuse to elaborate on that. haha), all that money is tempting after all--- but no amount of money can compensate for the loss of privacy. Here's one instance: Whenever I feel blue, or whenever I need to cool off, i take what I call a "jeepney ride to nowhere"--- riding a random jeepney, and getting off where the driver's route ends. In a strange way, it gives me peace of mind, just sitting back, looking at unfamiliar places, watching how strangers interact with one another, immersing myself on the local colour... weird, i know. hehe. But my point being--- Can you imagine a celebrity doing that?

The media and laymen are not the only ones guilty of not honoring a celebrity's right to privacy. Health care professionals are guilty of that too (now I have to watch my back, a lot of health care professionals have probably added me to their death lists for exposing that well guarded secret. LOL). It's not really that surprising--- doctors, nurses, and virtually all workers employed at your local hospital are people too. They also exhibit interest, whether they admit it or not, in the lives of famous people. How else can you explain how fast news such as "a certain celebrity has entered the hospital premises" can spread on all corridors of a hospital? much more when a celebrity gets admitted. Depending on the level of a celebrity's fame, all details of his or her admission would be known to all employees--- so much for the right to privacy. Too bad for those who are supposed to undergo an embarrassing operation (like this TV host). The very next day, some nurses and interns have made him an object of ridicule. And how about this sexy star/ comedian on the rival network? She was scheduled for cystectomy at another hospital.... one of the most prestigious private hospitals in the country. You'd think with all the money she spent at the hospital, they would've given her everything. I guess she got everything--- except privacy. The very minute she became unconscious, the operating room was packed with male interns, nurses, residents, and consultants. Pictures of her breasts are still being passed from cell phone to cellphone up to this day. What she doesn't know won't hurt her--- that's what they all said. So much for QUALITY hospital care that each hospital professes. Apparently, quality doesn't necessarily include privacy, at least if you're a famous person.

Not wanting to sound hypocritical here, but it is appaling to have health care professionals behaving like this. Giving in to human nature is not an excuse. Patients trust us, they expect us to honor their right to privacy. And because they give us their trust, it's easier for us to exploit them, and that makes the act even more disgraceful. It's like kicking a person when he's down. Honoring a patient's right to privacy is part of the oath that all physicians take--- but how many can actually honor that oath? honestly?

Still, even if a physician honors a patient's right to privacy, you can be sure that there's at least a single nurse, or medical technologist, nurse aid, janitor, or any hospital employee who won't give a famous patient that right--- It's hard to fight human nature after all. The only place celebrities can get health care that honors their right to privacy would be in a place where they are considered non celebrities. For local celebrities, they can just go abroad--- even a simple acne can start those tongues wagging after all. And when they come back home, nasty rumors are sure to start. And those people famous internationally? I pity them even more. Come to think of it, it's not really their fault that they're famous. They may be well known as actors, models, artists, singers, etc... but it is the ordinary people who are making all the commotion that seem to go hand in hand with fame. And it is also the ordinary people who are devouring every information they can get, like predators pouncing on their prey. Can't these people just serve to entertain, without all the fuss and intrusion from common folks? Just because we put these people on the spotlight, that doesn't give us the right to know every single detail of their lives. As I've said, I pity those international "stars" even more. They'd be hard pressed to find a place where no one would mind them. They'd have to exert extra effort since what was once a God given right has become a privilege. Maybe Namibia isn't such a bad place after all.

The other side of the coin

Last night's encounter got me thinking... that when it comes to encounters like that, I'm lucky to be a guy. I remember horror stories from gay friends about their encounters with male prostitutes/callboys. Ok, I'm sure there are females out their who pay for the services that these men offer, but I don't know any of these people, and I'm sure they only comprise a small part of these men's clientele. I mean, except for bridal showers, I can't think of any instance women would pick up callboys. And at those bridal showers, my female friends tell me they don't touch the men, their gay friends are the ones who end up in the bedroom with those men. Maybe old lonely ladies could pick them up occasionally... now i'm veering away from my main topic. hehe. so anyway---

There's this place in the Manila area called Nakpil street where these men hang out. I've passed by the area several times and the men are practically littered in the streets! No Joke! It's like a gay shopping market, you could take your pick from a lot of assorted items! haha. And when a car passes by, these guys would flash their smiles hoping to be picked up. It's funny how at one time I was trying to find a bar in the area so I was driving slowly, then a lot of those guys kept following my car. Geez, as if I would pick them up! I was laughing by myself at that time, but looknig back, that was one nauseating experience. It's an open secret that the area is a haven for male prostitution--- okay, maybe it's not really an open secret for people who are not familiar with the area. But in the gay community, and for people who know a lot of gay people (hey, I went to UP in college, and there are a lot of gay people there)--- let's just say these callboys don't need to advertise to make people aware of their location. And even if a person doesn't know that Nakpil street is the place to pick up men for hire, one would know by just passing by the area. The area is obviously a red light district, I'm surprised that the city government has not done anything about it... or maybe they're just turning a blind eye.

I've heard several gay friends endorse the area to fellow gays--- about heavenly experiences, and how there a lot of good looking guys in the area, unlike in QC circle or those other places where the men look dirty, filthy, ugly--- practically any derogatory adjective one can think of. hehe. but I've heard a lot of traumatic experiences too. Here's the story of my gay friend #1:

On one lonely night, he picked up a guy in the area. He thought he was the perfect guy, sweet, funny, loquacious, animated, real kind, a perfect gentleman. And he did look good. After doing the deed, he was asking for an amount far larger than the amount they agreed on. The callboy threatened my friend, that he would beat him up. He saw my friend had an ATM card, and told him they'll go to the nearest ATM machine to withdraw money. Yup, he emptied my friend's ATM account. And on the way he was so harsh--- the complete opposite of his initial persona, that he kept pushing and cussing gay friend #1.

Now take gay friend #2. He picked up a guy in the area also. Same scenario, the guy seemed too perfect for words. They were looking for a a cheap motel, the guy recommended a place. turned out the operators of the motel (or some people pretending to be operators) were part of the callboy's modus operandi. They got his cellphone, watch, and ATM card. poor gay friend--- It's bad enough that he didn't get laid, he lost his valuables to boot. He's lucky they didn't take his car. And they threatened him not to call the cops, and being meek and mild, he stayed silent.

And here's my gay friend #3's sob story. same scenario. picked up a guy, seemed too perfect for words. My friend was short on cash, so the guy just suggested this isolated place. They parked the car, and just as they were beginning to do the deed, the guy brought out a knife, which was like 10 inches long. geez, now there's going to be murder, in addition to theft?! I bet my friend was hoping for some other thing measuring 10 inches to stab him. hehe--- nasty comment there. anyway, The guy took his phone, ATM cards, credit cards, jewelry, and the CDs in his car. Good thing my friend reported his credit cards stolen before the thief could use them.

And for my gay friend #4's--- wait, make that gay acquaintance #1's story. Same beginning: picked up a guy, seemed too perfect to be real. THey parked on an isolated area. Agreed on 500 bucks. After the deed,the guy said he deserved more than 500 bucks for what he did. WHat he did--- that part of the story I didn't ask. hehe. Apparently the guy wasn't that big, because my acquaintance said he was bigger, so the callboy can't do the threatening style to get more money. The guy got his car keys and ran. My acquaintance chased his, but since the guy was so fast, he agreed to pay him-- with the all the money he had in his wallet. After getting the money, the guy threw the keys, and when my acquaintance got his key back, the guy was nowhere to be found. (the guy must be the flash)

For gay friend #4, who's probably the most unlucky of the bunch---- same story, except he made the mistake of bringing the guy home. After doing the deed, they both went to sleep. When my friend woke up, the guy was gone. And so was his laptop, dvd player, jewelry, and the contents of his wallet. Ouch. no wake up call could beat that.

I've heard of a lot more horror stories. In a way, I'm lucky to be a guy. I mean, no callgirl/ prostitute can threaten to beat me up. I would have beaten them to a pulp before they could even hurt me. And if i wasn't afraid of making a scene, I doubt if that slut form last night could've gotten money from me. Also I'm not really vulnerable emotionally--- at least I don't think I am. Okay, at least not much. For gay people, it's so much different. For one thing, they're more vulnerable to physical abuse, unless they're one of those gay men with huge bulging biceps. And their loneliness make them even more vulnerable to these vultures. I asked my friends what keeps them coming back to the area even with such bad experiences. They always say it's LONELINESS. sure, sometimes they're just plain horny, but most of the time, they pick up these callboys because they need companionship--- even if the companionship is not really genuine since they have to pay for it.

At times, I pity my gay friends, or gay men in general. Most of them want love from straight men, but that's impossible since by definition,straight men can't fall in love with fellow males. To get that, there's always something in exchange, be it money, some other material stuff, or maybe a shot at fame. SOme are aware that the love they get isn't real, but some are enveloped in the illusion. And it is this need that keeps them coming back, even if the last encounter was a traumatic experience, hoping that the next one would be the right one, hoping that the next one can give them what they really need. Before when I passed by the street, I thought it was funny how the place seemed like a market for male meat, with all those callboys bargaining with gay men who pass by. But now, after hearing all those tragic encounters, in the arid desert that is Nakpil Street, these poor gay men aren't the hunters taking their pick from numerous wildlife, looking for the most prized animal they can take home. They are like weak cattle, who got lost in the desert, with those numerous vultures encircling them overhead, even before they've taken their last breath. What makes it even more pitiful is that they don't realize that.