Funny Thing Called Love

I guess it's about time i resurrected this long dormant blog. Nope, contrary to popular belief, i have not committed suicide. So to that person who posted that comment, this should be proof enough. I'm still alive and very much kicking thank you very much. Well yeah, i have booze and drugs to thank for that, something i'm not proud of... but those things keep me sane during those times that  I'm about to lose my sanity. Because of those things i manage to remain functional. As long as I use them in moderation, they keep me stable instead of going on a downward spiral.

Well what do you know, i had no blog entry for the year 2013. It's not as if nothing much happened that year--- far from it. It's just that I've grown quite lazy. Before this blog was one of my outlets to let out the things I kept inside. I guess coke and weed were enough, there was no need to let all those things out in a blog. Aside from being the year when i've grown quite fond of May Jane and her ilk, 2013 was also the year i've rediscovered love. Sure i've been in quite a few relationships, but this was only the second time i've fallen real hard over someone. And to this day i'm not really quite sure why and how. i didn't even like her at first, but the was just so damn persistent that she managed to crack me open. And when she managed to do that, it's as if the floodgates had been opened. She gave me a totally different experience and i couldn't get enough of it. After that happy phase, I was treated horribly, once she got what she wanted i was discarded like some piece of trash, and i still didn't get the message. i was fucking used and i still didn't feel angry. How the heck could i have fallen so hard for someone who was so selfish and undeserving? How could i have stupid for so long that i couldn't even see the signs? maybe it was because that was the first time i couldn't get what i really wanted. Maybe because it had been a long long time since I have experienced rejection, everything was just so unreal. I kept throwing myself at her, and that only pushed her farther away. I mean, putting myself in her shoes, i would find the way I behaved back then extremely annoying. And like a pathetic fool i kept hoping that she would have me back, especially when i saw that my "replacement" was so much of a downgrade. But love is inherently blind i guess--- Because i was blinded as well. I refer to that first quarter of last year as my crazy phase. How else would i explain falling so hard for a person who was clearly beneath me in every possible way. Definitely, that was a case of temporary insanity. I'm so glad I was able to recover.

Love is a funny thing. Around that same time, one of that person's friends became my confidante. It's but natural i guess, to seek comfort in one of her friends to gain some sort of understanding. Who else could help me understand her? Unexpectedly, this best friend of hers fell in love with me, i don't even know why. She keeps telling me i'm perfect, that i'm all this and i'm all that, and it only made me feel very uncomfortable... and quite guilty because even though it was unintentional, i guess i led her on because i always kept her company. Here was a person who was throwing herself at me, yet i kept longing for that person who didn't love me anymore. Again, love is a funny thing. It's a pratical joke the Gods play on us as they watch our daily affairs from the comfort of the heavens. 

Here's a side note. I lost one of my closest friends two months ago. No he didn't die, but yeah he's dead to me now. See he's gay. But i don't really care about his sexuality, what he does is his own business. But i accidentally discovered that he was planning something nasty towards me on a soon to be drunken night... one that gladly didn't happen. One doesn't think of doing stuff like that to a close friend. Close friends are like brothers. When i confronted him about it, In defense he blurted out that the loves me. Jesus, what exactly did he think that would do? that doesn't justify the things he was planning. Did he think i would forgive him just because he said he's madly in love with me? well that didn't happen. It only grossed me out in addition to being angry. Good riddance. i do not need friends like that. Love is a funny thing.

Don't shed tears for me though. During the latter half of the year, i met someone. I could honestly say i love her as well, but for some reason it wasn't as great as the feelings i've felt toward that lesser person. This woman was better in all aspects but i can't seem to love her more. And evidently she is so in love with me, i can feel it in her every action and see it every time she stares at me.She says she loves me more and more each day, and me--- it's quite the opposite. Yeah i fall in love, but to me love has an expiration date. i hate it, it makes me an asshole, but that's just the way i am. There would come a point, after a few months or a few years, when it would all start to just be routine. A point would come when there would be no more spark, no more romantic feelings. If we don't end up hating each other, all that would remain would just be friendship, and instead of manning up i would continue with the charade and hope that her feelings would eventually dissipate as well. I never had the guts to end a relationship. passive aggressive behavior is the way to go for me. It always worked before but it doesn't seem to be working now. To be fair, i did try to end it last month when it became clear that nothing i could do could push her away. i said it out loud. But the moment i saw those tears in her eyes my heart broke. It was incredibly hard for me to hurt her because at that time she had already become my best friend, and i couldn't bear to hurt that one person in this world that i absolutely treasure. So now I'm stuck in a relationship i don't want for the sake of friendship, and yeah i guess for the sake of pity as well. Again, love is a funny thing. To those people who are madly in love it is an incredible gift. But to many people, it's nothing but a curse.

All Rage and Fury

I used to be that sort of person. The one who just lets things pass. The one just keeps everything in stride. The one who can still manage to smile even when everything is boiling deep inside. That was me back then. And this is me now.

In recent years, it’s becoming harder and harder to keep the anger inside. It’s just that I’ve become pissed with so many things in my life, and one thing just tends to aggravate all the others. When I’m trying to contain all that anger inside me, it all builds up. And every now and then, I could no longer contain the pressure, and I just burst from the slightest provocation. But after that I feel fine again. All the anger has gone away. All that’s left is an empty vessel, ready to be filled up again.

It used to take such a long time before that vessel is all filled up. But these past few weeks, I’ve been losing my temper way too often. Ever since I’ve had the taste for blood on my grandmother’s funeral march, ever since I’ve experienced that unique feeling of exhilaration… I seem to have been looking for it. For the past couple of months, almost every time that I have been driving during rush hour, I engage in a shouting match with several stupid drivers. And it’s not just purely shouting. I immediately get out of my car, shouting at the other driver, taunting him, telling him to get out of his fucking car and face me like a man. And every time, I’m ready to fight. Every time, I want to fight. And all those times, the other person always backs off. No one seems to have to guts to fight a seemingly crazy person shouting hysterically in public, for all the world to see. Then there was this one time at the gym last week, when I got so annoyed with this guy who kept on grunting loudly every time he was lifting weights. I got so pissed off that I shouted at him, telling him that if he didn’t stop all that annoying grunting, I was going to shut him up permanently. Everyone looked at me, and i didn't care. all I wanted to do was to fight. This guy was bigger than me in every way. Taller than me. Way more muscular than me. There was no way I was going to win a fight with this guy, he could easily beat me to a pulp. Yet I didn’t care. All I wanted was to fight. I wasn’t thinking anymore. All I wanted was to release my anger, I didn’t care anymore if I would get hurt in the process. I had no regard for safety. It’s not just about that great feeling you get when your anger is released. It's not just about that great feeling you feel when you beat up somebody. It's not just about that great feeling you get when you've won a battle based on strength. I was looking for something more. Maybe subconsciously, I do want to get hurt. I want to punish myself, because subconsciously, I’ve been telling myself that I deserve to get hurt. I’ve done so many mistakes in my life, I haven’t done so many things that I should have done, I’ve hurt so many people both intentionally and unintentionally… and I feel that I have to get hurt. I feel that I have to suffer. It’s not enough that I keep beating myself up. Others have to beat the hell out of me as well. I do not deserve all the great things that have happened to me. I don’t deserve such care, such love. I keep wallowing on self pity, yet it’s still not enough. This could just be the result of all the sorrow and grief that I’ve been feeling for the past few months… and all that anger only creates a greater turbulence of emotions. This may just be a phase, I don’t know. All I know is I’ve been feeling so low lately. Maybe someone has to hit me hard on the head to get me out of it. maybe someone has to totally beat me up and leave me for dead to make me realize how pathetic i have been acting lately. But I know that I do not deserve such a quick escape. Maybe to continue wallowing in pain and sorrow is exactly the type of punishment that I deserve. Maybe I haven't suffered enough. Maybe i deserve to suffer more.

Maybe.

Misconstrued

Sunday night, went to my cousin's party. Met one of her friends, and then there was instant attraction. There was a connection, and we spent hours talking about nothing. Half past twelve, everyone decided to call it a night, and since she didn't have a car, I offered to take her home.

No words were explicitly spoken, but I knew that she knew what I wanted, and i knew that she understood my terms. We were on the same page. Instead of going straight to her house, i made a quick detour. Before we went in, just to make things clear, I told her that all i wanted was something casual--- no commitments, no attachments. I wasn't ready for anything more than that. And as I expected, she agreed. She didn't back out.

It was funny. At the very beginning it was explosive, then halfway through, things started to fizzle out. Maybe it was the alcohol, but somehow, we became too exhausted to move. We both laughed. Then we just cuddled. We began to talk about trivial things at first. Then we talked about work, about family, about future plans, our dreams, about personal problems--- things that you might share with a close friend, with your girlfriend... definitely things you wouldn't talk about with someone you've just met, let alone with someone you're only having a casual encounter with. But there was that connection, and words kept on flowing. We shared so many things, and I felt that I was with someone I actually trust and cared about. And on hindsight, that was the biggest mistake that I made that night: I showed my sensitive side.

Afterward we even had a snack outside, before I took her home. Yup, there was the promise to keep in touch, but promises are understood to be half meant in casual events. The morning after, I received a text message. That was fine, i replied. Honestly, I think that I have gained a new friend out of that experience, no matter how unexpected that may seem... but there's nothing more than that. I didn't want to take it any further. But then the text messages increased in frequency... messages about trivial matters, then messages asking how i was doing, sent mere hours apart from each other. At first I was indifferent, but then I became annoyed. The messages grew in rapid succession, that I found myself too lazy to even give a perfunctory reply out of courtesy. Then she was asking why I wasn't replying to her messages, why it took me so long to reply, why wouldn't I call her. Jesus Christ. Isn't it obvious why i wasn't calling her?! Why should I?! From the very beginning, I told her that all I wanted was something casual. i wasn't looking for a relationship. Now she seems like an overly clingy girlfriend. I guess it was all my fault. Even when you say it out loud, as long as you show your sensitive side, women would think that you're not saying what you really mean--- even when you are saying what you really mean. When I showed that I understood her, I guess she saw me as a potential best friend, or the ideal boyfriend. And what sucks the most? I know that the easiest way to get rid of her is to act like an asshole. Problem is, I find it hard to act like an asshole when I know that I could hurt someone else's feelings. I could just ignore her and hope that she'll eventually get tired, but what does that make of me? And what if she's not one of those girls who can easily get the message?

Ugh. Good thing I'll be leaving in a few weeks. All this will be moot when I'm out of here.

No Humor

I just can't help but feel a sense of pity and a certain degree of contempt towards some people. Recently, a few folks from the workplace discovered my full name. Most people only know me by my nickname. Most people find my name too long, so I'm often introduced by my nickname. In fact, I'm rarely called by my full name--- I only hear my full name when my parents are angry, or during the first day of classes in school, before the teachers ask for my nickname so they can call me with that instead. Presently, the only people who know my full name are my close friends and relatives, or those who have access to my papers. That's one reason why I chose to use my full name on the social networking site I use most often, so that I could filter out the strangers and stalkers. That backfired though--- my classmates from elementary school, a number of whom I've never even talked to back then, have started adding me up because they know my full name. Social networking sites are really full of shepherds--- those people who keep on adding and adding people up, even the ones they have only met for a single second in their lives, in order to create a huge network of "friends"... to create some false sense of popularity, i guess. But hey, that's not what this is about.

So yeah, those folks discovered my full name, and for some reason they found it incredibly funny, and they kept on taunting me with my own name. D-oh. As if that would work. They said I was obviously struggling to keep a smiling face, but deep inside I was getting pissed. They said i was obviously getting annoyed. I don't think my name is funny; it's not even strange. Heck, it's a fairly common name, just not on these parts of the world. Do a search on the net and you'd find dozens of people who have the same name. So was I getting annoyed? Far from it. In truth, I was mildly amused, but there's also that overwhelming sense of pity. For some reason, my name seems strange to people belonging to the lower class, and some children find my name strange too, that's why they think it's funny. And what do children and people from the lower classes of society have in common? Lack of intellect, lack of knowledge--- at least when compared to the educated folks in our midst. It's true, I really pity them. The last time someone taunted me with my own name was way back in second grade, when a few of my classmates found my name funny. That was more than 20 years ago. Now, I find myself in the company of men in their late twenties and early thirties whose sense of humor is at par with that of a seven year old. Now that's something to laugh about. That's even funnier than my name. In fact, that's more than just funny.

It's pathetic, it's shameful, and downright pitiful.

Hit and Miss

I don't even know why I'm posting this.

random ramblings. Nothing logical. just thinking these random thoughts out loud.

Saturday night. I went to a bar with some friends. Got drunk again. Sometime that night, I've managed to hook up with some girl. I can't even remember her name. I'm not even sure if I asked her name in the first place. I left my friends at around 3 AM and we went someplace else. Somewhere private. It was nothing special. It was good, but not extraordinary. At one point she mentioned that she seemed to be doing most of the work, which made me realize that I am indeed lousy in bed. lol. When we were done, we ended up cuddling--- which is out of the ordinary for me when all I want is something casual. I usually wash up and then head for home after a one time gig. I'm not the type who's into hugging and cuddling and all that sweet stuff. I love yous were exchanged, but that was just the alcohol talking. There's no way it could've been love. Before we parted ways, we decided not to exchange numbers... it was just casual after all. If i wasn't so intoxicated then, I would've thought there was sadness in her face. She said it's kind of a pity that we met under such circumstances. If we met on some other occasion, we could've been friends, or maybe something more. I agreed... but meeting the way we did, maybe we were not meant to share something deeper. She didn't live nearby. She was just on vacation when we met. She'll be leaving the next day. I'm pretty sure I'd never see her again. Which is just fine, since it was only a one time thing. There's nothing more to it. Or so I thought.

When I woke up, I had this weird feeling. I had a minor headache, but I knew I was already sober. I felt a bit lonely. I felt regret. While intoxicated with alcohol, I wasn't capable of deep thought. Once sober--- I felt that there was something there. There was a connection. A CONNECTION. I couldn't have an instant connection with just anyone. We talked about life, plus some other profound stuff. And we cuddled. All of those things no one would do during casual encounters. It could have been something deeper. I never thought that something deep could come out of something casual, that's why I never entertained the possibility. It would be laughable finding love in such circumstances, right? Such scenes are straight out of those romantic comedies. I'm not romantic, so why am I now romanticizing things? Was there really something there? An opportunity that I could've grabbed, but then chose to miss? Or am I just seeing illusions? I'm seeing something that's not really there, because of a subconscious need to be in a relationship even if I tell myself that I don't need to be in one?

It's crazy to entertain such silly thoughts. It's even crazier that I'm dwelling on them. I can't seem to let go of the fact that there was something there. There was that possibility that could've been a reality. It would be easier to imagine if only I got her number. and it would have helped a lot if I at least remembered her name.

Numb

To the few friends who are aware of this blog,you people are closest to my heart. i trust you guys so much that I feel comfortable sharing my innermost thoughts with you, without the fear of shame, judgment nor resentment... i know that whatever things i say here would remain in secrecy for the rest of your lives. I trust you enough with my own life... to even consider what I'm about to do entails some form of insanity.... A journey to insanity, that's what my life has been--- but what a journey it was. Thanks for all the great memories... for giving me laughter amidst a life of misery, for giving me glimmers of hope amidst such sordid environs.

That's part of an entry entitled "Swan Song", saved in the drafts section of this blog for more than a year now. I really don't know why I created it... I wasn't even suicidal back then. Maybe i was, subconsciously. I made that entry during one of those pensive moments. Maybe I was thinking ahead, some sort of last will and testament, something I would publish when i decide to end it all--- when my life, which I have sporadically chronicled in this online journal, aptly entitled Journey to Insanity, would finally come to an end. Just one click, then it would be published in seconds. After all, when that moment comes, I don't think anyone would find time to write a lengthy entry just before making that final move.

Back when I was a child, i always thought I'd die young. Probably in my twenties. I was a somewhat sickly child. For one thing, I had frequent nose bleeds, almost on a daily basis, which really alarmed my parents. I had an operation when I was two years old, some structural defects that were allegedly cured by now--- though I seem to think otherwise. I've learned that a congenital defect in a certain organ increases the possibility of defects in others. There are many things I've observed that I never told my parents. Among those things were the frequent chest pains, frequent bouts of dizziness. I used to pray and wish that I would at least live to reach the age of thirty. At that age, I would already have my own family. I would have wife and a few kids, living in our own house. I would be in the middle of a very great career. I would already have lived the life i wanted, i would've already done most of the things I wanted to do.

That's so laughable now. By the time I reach thirty--- a mere three years from now, I still won't have my own family. There are so many things that I would still want to do. I would've barely lived the life i've wanted. Back in Med school, my childhood paranoia of dying young seemed to have resurfaced. I seem to be alarmed by even the smallest symptoms--- which turns out to be a normal phenomena among medical personnel. With the knowledge of certain diseases, many become paranoid even if a certain symptom could point to many things--- from something self limiting to something lethal. But recently, I became somewhat aloof to such symptoms. I've been having nosebleeds again, which was frequent during the first few months of the year. It's really embarrassing when it happens while I'm on duty. I have to drop whatever I'm doing just to control it. One time, it even happened while i was accompanying a patient to the CT scan. The patients relatives were really alarmed. There's also minute bleeding at another orifice. The chest pains have returned, though that happens rarely. There's occasional tinnitus, and problems with my vision. But I never had myself checked up, even if those symptoms could mean something serious. I just assumed that those symptoms pointed to the benign and self limiting conditions... Doctors are indeed the worst patients. Maybe it's overconfidence. Or maybe it's indifference. Maybe I just don't care anymore. I don't care whatever happens to me. I still want to do a lot of things, making me want to live longer... but there are times that I feel so tired of living, that I don't care if i die tomorrow, today, or even now. There are times when cigarettes and alcohol can't seem to numb my emotions anymore. When emotions are conflicted, when everything is a blur... When you feel trapped and there seems to be no possible way out... Dying young doesn't seem so bad. All joy and happiness would disappear all right, but all those problems, all those pain and frustrations would vanish along with them, until you'd feel nothing at all.

Sometimes nothingness seems like the greatest reward after enduring this trial we refer to as our lives.

Emotional Blur

It's funny how songs can put you in a certain mood, especially when it's all quiet, when you're just lying in bed, with no contrasting thoughts to cloud your mind. Funny how songs can bring you back to a time when the wounds are fresh, digging up the bones of haunted memories that you have long since buried.

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine
You look so beautiful tonight
Reminds me how you laid us down
And gently smiled before you destroyed my life

Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I'm in your reach
You held me in your hands

Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces

let me rest
let me rest in pieces

It's even funny how, in those quiet moments, you can relate to songs you've never even bothered to listen to before, simply because you never thought the artist was someone you can relate to...

So much for my happy ending

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's funny how, when your mind is a blank, you can even listen to cheesy 90's pop music, then begin to see the song in a different light once you've bothered to listen to the lyrics, how the song can be more moving when sung in a different manner.

I don't need to fall at your feet
Just 'cause you cut me to the bone
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me
We were never carved in stone
If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself..

I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking

I refuse to give in to my blues
That's not how it's going to be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't want to let you see.. no
That you have made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself..

I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking

I'll get over you.. I know I will
You made a hole in my heart
But I won't shed a tear for you
I'll be the king of wishful thinking

I'll get over you..
I'll pretend my heart's still beating
'cause I've got no more tears for you
I'm the king of wishful thinking..

I'll get over you.. I know I will
You made a hole in my heart
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking

It's funny how these songs can envelop you in such an emotional storm, how they can put you right back in the middle of the storm, just when you thought the rains are over, and the sun is shining in the distance, showing brighter days ahead.

It's funny how I keep on saying that I have long since moved on, and yet i still let such thoughts bother me.

I was once a poet!

COLD LONELY NIGHT

I remember the feeling when you said we were through
I was glad for I couldn’t stand the stubbornness in you
My life would be better, that was all that i knew
When you walked out that door, there was nothing i could do

The memories flicker when they say your name
I was too proud to see i was part of the blame.
When i asked you to change, I stayed the same.
I blew out the fire to the last single flame.

They all say it’s your fault; now maybe that’s true
But i choose to ignore them; they don’t really know you.
I choose not to move on, I don’t need someone new.
I’m willing to take all the blame because i still love you.

I made a mistake, you were right all along
When you said it was my fault, when you said I was wrong.
Inside my head i keep hearing our song.
It echoes through my heart, where you once belonged.

Is it really too late to make things right?
How i wish you’re still with me, beside me tonight.
And although you are too far away from my sight,
Tonight I’ll be dreaming I’m still holding you tight.

9/12/99


FINAL MOMENT

Crouched in one corner, alone on this night
Filled with uncertainty, in the midst of twilight.
In a mindless stupor, far away from sight
Hidden in the darkness, with no urge to fight

Peacefully tucked in a calm surrender
Any moment now, it will all be over
The lightning showed such a sordid face
An abandoned child longing for a warm embrace.

With a knife on one hand, nothing on the other
Tears start to flow, as a cold breeze entered
The thunder drowns my cries, memories still linger
But when the rain stops, I’ll remember no longer.

With a knife on one hand, and nothing to fear
Alone in this room, not a single soul near
Nothing left to cherish, nothing to hold dear
One thing is certain, all will end here.

With a stroke of lighting, I saw it shining
With a glare quite hypnotic, and oh so inviting
As the wind murmured, the clouds cried their last tears.
I went straight to my heart, the source of my own tears.

Coldness all over, and such warmth on my chest
The warmth flows so smoothly, soon I will rest
And now that the rain has filled up all emptiness
With such calm certainty, I submit to nothingness.

5/20/2000


AS THE WIND BLEW

You gave me your heart, untouched and pure
And I gave you mine, though I was unsure.
You believed our love would find a way
As the wind blew all uncertainties away.

You were the light that shone upon me
You were my world, you made me see.
That we remain forever I hoped, I prayed.
As the wind blew all my miseries away.

I believed our bond slowly grew stronger
Even as the nights slowly grew colder.
You tried so hard to find the right words to say
As the wind blew all my spirits away.

I stood here wounded, I silently wept.
Perturbed by the depth of the darkness you kept.
I wondered how and why, you have gone astray
As the wind blew all your promises away.

Now as I stand on the verge of madness
All that’s left are my own promises—
All those promises, I’ve kept ‘til this day
As the wind, slowly blows your memory away.

12/22/2000


DEAD MAN

No words can describe what you’re feeling.
Eternally lost, yet you still keep on searching.
You can’t hear me speak as I silently whisper.
My memory remains, yet I hardly remember.

As you look into my eyes, you drown in emptiness.
I peacefully lie, surely suffering from loneliness.
As you kiss my cold lips, you long for my warm breath
I could only reciprocate with the bitter taste of death.

As you lie on my chest, as you caress my pale skin
You are still apathetic to the calmness within.
As your teardrops fall and disturb the stillness
You are still not aware, what you dream of is hopeless.

You touch my frigid hands and stare at my sullen face
You keep holding me tight, locked in your harsh embrace.
You have torn me open, still no blood would flow.
My heart has stopped beating, still you won’t let go.

I am dead to you now, I’ve been dead to you before.
I can’t simply rise up, as I’ve always done before.
Pathetic illusions, I won’t be there when you call.
My memory is best forgotten, I’m a dead man after all.

06/11/2001