I hate it when people greet me a happy birthday. I know that they have the best intentions and that they mean no harm. it's customary to greet people on their birthday, it just sucks that i'm not most people and therefore they would not get the usual reaction from me. I hate because i have to respond with a half hearted thank you. I'm certainly not happy, so the exchange of greetings turn out to be so fake.
Why should i be thankful that i have reached another year in this life? nothing seems to turn out the way i planned it. Nothing seems to turn out the way that i would have wanted. To whom should i be thankful for? To my parents, for that unprotected intercourse they did eons ago which resulted to an unwanted pregnancy? should i be thankful to my mom for not going through an abortion even though the thought did go through her mind? frankly i wouldn't have mind if she went through with it. Then i wouldn't have to experience living through this stupid little life.
To whom should i be thankful for? Should i give thanks to god almighty, creator of heaven and earth? that is so laughable. Thank you for never giving me what i want. Back when i was such a devout catholic up to the point when my faith was starting to falter, you never listened. Now that i don't believe in you at all, nothing has changed. I still feel as if i'm talking to a brick wall. Back when i was so religious, i believed all the bullshit saying that you're just giving me trials to make me stronger, and you never give people trials that they can not overcome. now i know that's all hogwash. People say there is a god because of the unexplained order in the universe. My response? what fucking order???? if you know shit about science, most particles would not jive with each other, that's why chaos is more often seen in occurrence rather than order.... but if you mix particles the right way--- they would adhere to one another. there's that slim chance out of all the randomness. mix all the particles the right way, and it can create life, or create an environment conducive to life. you don't need the hand of a superior being for that. shit like that just happens by chance, not because some superior being planned it. wow, you're saying that out of nowhere, some superior being suddenly decided to create life, just snapped his fingers and voila, particles just started coming together in the right way. you guys must give me some of that shit you're smoking. that stuff must be pretty dank.
when good things happen to us, it's god's blessings and we should thank him. if bad things happen to us, hey it's just god giving us trials, and no matter how bad it is, even if our whole family were massacred, even if a nuclear bomb was dropped on out country, hey God never gives us trials we can't overcome. these trials would make us stronger! if bad things happen to good people, those are trials. If bad things happen to bad people, god is punishing them. if good things happen to good people, they are rewarded. if good things happen to bad people.... well, just wait a while. karma's a bitch and they'll never know what hit them. whatever happens, basically it's god's will. those religious nutjobs are basically saying that we can't control anything because everything that happens to us is god's will. can't they see the randomness of it all? where's the order in that? I know an overly religious woman who lost her family in a natural calamity. and i know of this corrupt politician who has lived a sweet life all his life, and he continues to do so. when will this people get what's rightfully due to them? in the fucking afterlife? the afterlife that every religion has a different interpretation of? You have got to be kidding me.
I'm not getting matched to a residency position because i fucked up on my exams. I was overconfident, i didn't study hard, simple as that. It's not because it's god's will, it's not because he's just giving me trials. I fucked up, and it was my fault. I'm the one whose to blame. And if by some miracle that i matched to a position, it's because of the help of my friends and not because God wanted it. All of the religious undertones that some people put in everything just pisses me off. So i wish all those people would shut up when they say that God has other plans for me. There is no fucking God. Whatever shit i find myself in, it's all my fault. if it's not, then it's because of pure dumb luck. something random, it's not something that some divine entity planned. So who do i have to thank for this stupid little life? I only have myself to thank for it, thank you fucking much. I know some people have it worse than me, but the point is, i'm not living the life i want. because i fucked up, that's why i can't. Some would say i should be thankful for what i have, because a lot of people have close to nothing. a lot of people would love to trade places with me. But why would they? because they're not living the life they want right? We may be living different lives, experiencing different hardships, but we still all feel the same way.
Happy fucking birthday to me. Here's to another shitty year. More of the same crap, recycled over and over again. I wonder if i'll ever see the day when i would be truly be happy on this fucking day. With my dumb luck, that seems highly unlikely. It really fucking sucks to be me.
No comments:
Post a Comment