Typical.

Man, that was one horrible weekend. I need a vacation from that vacation. I was foolish enough to believe that it would turn out otherwise. I mean, it was doomed from the very start.

It was early January when my dad called me, telling me not to make any plans on the last weekend of April because the whole family was going to attend my cousin's wedding. And he told me that he was about to buy plane tickets because air fares are cheaper when you book months in advance. Fast forward to a month later. Yup, he hasn't bought any plane tickets by the time i got home. We finally bought tickets two weeks before the scheduled flight. And he had to use my credit card because he had no cash on hand at that time... and by the way my credit card was blocked because he paid my bill with a check that bounced. And what about our tickets for the flight back home? we bought it a week before, and apparently he never talked about his planned duration for the trip with my siblings who can only afford a few days off from work. And what's so fucked up was the fact that i was coordinating things between all of them. Jesus, why couldn't my dad call them instead? and why the fuck did he not talk to them months before? Well, that's my biological father. The word planning is not in his vocabulary. There's minimal amount of responsibility and initiative in his body. I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't any at all.

The flight to our destination was awkward. He sat beside me and kept on making small talk. The fact that i kept of tinkering with my ipod should have been enough for him to realize that i was in no mood to talk to him. But no, he just kept on blabbering and blabbering. By the time we landed, i asked him about our travel plans. The day after the wedding, we were supposed to rent a van to travel to the beach a hundred miles away. Then we were supposed to stay at some resort. I wasn't surprised to find out that he hasn't made any arrangements. We'll just rent a van when we get there, he says. Find a place to stay when we get there, he says. The two days we were there, he never made any fuckin' calls. He never made any arrangements. Good thing my aunt offered to lend their van when he asked my dad how we were going to the beach. And this happened a few hours before we were supposed to leave. That's my biological father for you. Everything has to be served in a silver platter to him. He can't do anything by himself. For anything to happen, some other person needs to do things for him.

Oh yeah, we got delayed because he just couldn't get up early, even when necessary. And again, he didn't call for any airport transfer service until the last minute. How typical. And we almost missed our flight home because he kept on insisting that we didn't need to leave early because the airport was only an hour drive away. Never mind the fact that we kept on telling him that we should leave early. He just told us to trust him. Jesus fucks, we've known him all these years. Did he actually think that we can trust him? That we can depend on him? And hasn't he heard that there's no way that the time spent traveling by land would be constant. It's either more or less, and when you have to be someplace important it's better to be early because you never know what you'll encounter on the road. But that's my biological dad. He doesn't believe in the saying that it's better to be safe than sorry. His motto in life is just to fix things as you go along. Trouble is, he doesn't really have the capability to fix things. He just has this penchant to consistently fuck things up. And what's worse is the fact that he was shouting at the person driving us to the airport telling him it's his fault that it took so long for us to reach the airport. The same way he shouted at the waitress at the restaurant earlier because the coffee that was served with his breakfast wasn't brewed, even when it says clearly on the menu that the included coffee in his meal was anything but brewed. The same way he shouted at the airport employees, ordering them around as if he ran the place. That's my biological dad for you. He always acts like he's king, like he's such a big deal even though he's not. He's always boastful, he's always bursting with pride even when in truth he has nothing to be proud about. He thinks of himself as everything, always going for the shock and awe approach and he manages to fool a lot of people. But for those people who can look closely, for those people who can see what he really is, they know that he's nothing. A hollow, shallow, empty space filled with nothing but fluff. He's just a huge chamber filled with nothing.

I realize that the main reason i enjoy traveling to different places and why i enjoy going on vacations is because i am far from him. Sure i feel great when i get to explore new and different places, when i get to do different things, when i meet new people... but the location doesn't really matter as long as it's far from him. At home i'm always pissed. At home i'm always sad. It's just either one of those. When i'm far away, i feel content, i feel happy, even when i'm not doing anything at all. A real vacation is something that keeps your mind off the negativity, even for a short while. It's won't be a vacation at all when you bring that negativity with you. In my life, most of the negativity centers on my dad. He's someone that i wish i can always leave behind.

Alternative Career

A funny thing happened while I was on vacation down south this past weekend. It was actually embarrassing and I felt uneasy the whole time--- but looking back, it guess it was an experience that I would laugh about every time I would remember it.

So we went to this bar that apparently catered primarily to foreigners. Right off the bat, a woman who I assume to be Korean, probably in her late thirties--- approached me and was pulling me up the stage where she was already dancing minutes earlier. She's not unattractive, but she's not a head turner either. The fact that she was obviously drunk made her more unappealing, every word she spoke reeked of alcohol. I didn't want to go up, but since she was persistent and I was the type of person who found it hard to say no when people become persistent--- I obliged. I didn't dance though, I basically just stood in front of her while she danced while whispering her blabberings. She kept giving me compliments, about my looks, how I smelled... Then she started saying she loved me and that she wanted to take me home. After a few minutes, she got distracted and I took the opportunity to go back to our table, but she followed me and pulled me towards her table. Again she said the same things, but she became more physical. She kissed my neck, licked my ears (I know, gross.) She tried to kiss me on the lips, good thing I managed to turn my head just in time. Each time I tried to pull away, she hugged me tighter. I couldn't think of a possible way to escape without physically hurting her. In her drunken state, she'd probably make a huge commotion if I hurt her. One of her companions sat on the chair in front of us, but he just laughed. Crap. I tried making several excuses but nothing seemed to work--- and my friends weren't helping me either! She then told me where they were staying (which was exactly the same resort where we stayed, D-OH! ), saying she'll take me there, take care of me, make me happy, blah blah blah. I managed to go back to the other table where my friends were seated, but she still followed. Good thing her other companions came, saying it was time to leave. When one of her male friends got mad at her, that seemed to shake her out of her drunken state somewhat. But before leaving, she asked me if I really didn't want to come with her. And here's the clincher--- when I said NO, she asked me what would it take. She asked me HOW MUCH.

I guess that broadens my horizons. When my present career doesn't work out and I eventually go bankrupt, I already have an alternative career to take.

Hehe. Just Kidding. :D

Almost Burned Out

We've just shifted rotations last sunday. What happened on the succeeding days was one disaster after another. To say that maladaptation was to blame would be putting in lightly. I was completely lost. Sure, things don't need to be done immediately since every case isn't an emergency like it was during my Trauma rotation... but the workload is increased a tenfold. At the end of each duty, I failed to carry out a lot of orders. I didn't have time to do chart rounds. I couldn't even squeeze in an hour's worth of sleep! Referrals kept coming in, and even though they're not emergencies, the sheer volume of referrals kept me awake all night! And i felt so alone and helpless while carrying out orders, because the interns in this rotation are practically non existent. just this morning, I jumbled up the schedule operations, and the seniors were all pissed. I wasn't familiar with the whole process, but I know that's no excuse.

I'm almost burned out. Dead tired. More than ever, I'm wondering if this is all worth it. During our rounds yesterday, I was so sleepy and It was fucking humid inside the hospital, i couldn't pay attention during the endorsements. With the heat,I kept thinking that this time of year, I'm just bumming around in a beach somewhere. During the past years, this time of year meant relaxation, a time to get away from it all. This year, I don't have time to get away from everything, unless I quit. Most of my friends have work schedules that are not so unphysiologic, and talking with them doesn't help matters--- especially if the best advice they could give is for me to quit. They say I look like a mess. When I looked at myself in a mirror a few days ago, I realized that my life is a mess. The last time I went home, I just had time to take a shower before going back to the hospital. Before I left, my grandmother wanted to talk to me. It looked like she wanted to have a serious and lengthy conversation, I just told her I didn't have time. As I turned away, she asked if I'm happy with what I'm doing. Though I said yes, I knew she could see the truth. It wouldn't take a genius to realize I'm not happy with what I'm doing. Any person with functional eyes can see that I'm not happy. If only my service mates wouldn't be affected if I quit, if quitting wouldn't fuck up their schedules and make their lives more miserable, I would've quit weeks ago. I don't know if this is what I really want. I couldn't see myself like this in the future. My future seems to be a big blur, I couldn't see a clear picture. This very minute, only one thing is certain...

I'd rather be lying under the sun,

lying on powdery white sand,

watching clouds move slowly in the clear blue sky

with a mild cool breeze caressing my face,

the waves splashing a mist of cool saltwater on my body---

instead I'm trapped trapped in this oven... this hell hole... this slave house that I refer to as my place of work. What a way to spend my summer.

What a way to spend my life.

Pieces of Paradise

Funny how things can turn out sometimes... how something you'll think will be bad turn out to be good... how something you don't expect much from can actually turn out to be better... It was a real bummer when our original vacation plans never materialized. Palau became Thailand, then Thailand became Hong Kong... due to budgetary constraints of some friends. I'll be leaving for Hong Kong in a few hours, though I'm not really excited. I've been there a lot of times, and I don't really like shopping. What else can we do there? There's not much to see, except for that new Disneyland--- which is nothing to write home about, according to many who have been there. Also, our trip to Bohol didn't materialize because the hotels were fully booked for weeks. I opted to go to Cagayan Valley instead where a few of my relatives lived. It's basically a free vacation, so who am I to complain?

At first, I wasn't really expecting much. A few days of rest at least, during my last few free days. I wanted to make the most out of the remaining days of my vacation. Plus I've been searching for sites about the place in the internet, and the things I saw didn't excite me. Apparently, the place had a lot to offer--- things those internet sites don't show. I've seen beaches on the internet that sucked... then I saw magnificent beaches on those isolated islands. My jaw practically dropped! Paradise would be the word to describe those beaches. I've been to many beaches, but none were as spectacular as the one i saw there. The fact that the island was practically devoid of other human life besides us added to the beauty of such serenity. The region also had great caves which were a joy to explore... though we didn't have a tour guide then, so we weren't able to fully explore the chambers, which were said to be snake infested. I wasn't able to take very good pictures also, because the caves were so dark, and the camera I brought had a weak flash. I also took a swim in the river. The water was so clean! The only drawback was I had to change my clothes in the bushes, because there were no amenities. lol. good thing no strangers were around at that time... or else scandalous pictures of myself could be floating around the internet by now. haha. There were a lot more things to do, but I had to go home earlier because of affairs back home. There were more caves and forests to explore, and I wasn't able to try white water rafting, which is a favorite tourist activity there... Maybe when I come back after 5 years. :)

Oh yeah, pictures are worth a thousand words right? So here are some pictures i took. They don't justify the beauty of the place though, you have to see the place with your own eyes. Who cares if my Hong Kong vacation will suck? The great time I had in Cagayan is enough to mask any bad memories of a number of future vacations. :)

The Journey Home

the trip home was also a different experience. Since it was still windy, we had to rent a boat on the other side of the island. Normally, we'd just rent a boat on station 1, which is very near our cottage. Then the boat will take us straight to Caticlan where the airport is. This usually takes 20-30 minutes, depending on the speed of the boat.

Since the waves were still strong on our side of the island (there were no boats in and out of Boracay for 2 days because of the strong wind and waves), we had to take a tricycle to the other side. The tricycle ride took 20- 30 minutes! I wasn't bored though. Seeing the side of Boracay that wasn't developed for tourists was an eye opener. In the middle of the island, there's a barrio not different from other barrios in the Philippines. That was the side of Boracay that I never saw before. On the other side of the island, the sand was not white. It was a shade of brown, with a lot of pebbles. Thre was also o lot of locals in the area. Apparently, this is where the locals rent boats to take them to the mainland. Several foreigners were taking pictures for documentation. I guess they wanted to show "the other side of Boracay" to folks at home. Wish I did the same thing so I could've posted them here. hehe.

It was a shorter boat ride than usual, because the port was closer to the mainland. It took about 10 minutes. But we weren't brought to the usual port area. It wasn't Caticlan, but another barrio, and the port area was dirty. I guess some of the waste of the locals there are dumped directly on the water. From there, we had to take another 15 minute tricycle ride to the airport. That's a lot of rides just to go home! hehe. I would've preferred to stay another day. the sea was becoming calm, and the sun was starting to show after all... but I didn't have enough money to last another day. hehe.I have to go back soon, when it's all warm and sunny. Once residency starts, I guess it would be 3-5 years before I get to see the place again. :(

Stormy Days in Paradise

Last week, my friends and I went to Boracay, which is, according to many people (including me!), the best place to have a vacation in the Philippines. I've been there every year for the past 3 years, and I must say that all those vacations are worth remembering. Even though I've become familiar with the place (it's not that big after all), I can't seem to get tired of "Bora".

This year, my Boracay vacation was very different, thanks to a little storm known locally as "Caloy". We usually go to there during April, but since medical internship ends on May 1, we went there a month later. Upon our arrival, there was a mild shower, which lasted for about an hour. During the afternoon, it was all sunny, we thought the rain during the morning was just a freak weather occurence during the summer. The rainy season usually starts in June or July in the Philippines. We never thought it would come early this year.

The next day, it rained sporadically, but during our third day, it was raining really hard, and the wind was really strong! A little rain or wind can't spoil our vacation though, we still swam in the sea. It was really tiring though, because of all the huge waves. hehe. During the night, the wind became stronger, I found it hard to stand still outside, I thought the wind can blow me away if I didn't hold on to something. THe sliding door in our cottage which was directly against the wind came off, we had to put a table against it. The floor of our room was soaking wet because water seeped through the windows. The roof of several cottages were also blown away by the strong winds.Thankfully, our roof was more sturdy. haha.

It was still cloudy and a bit windy when we left. I still had fun though. I actually liked the cool weather, and I still got to party on the last night. And overall, it was a very different experience! I had a few regrets though--- number 1: I didn't get a tan! I always see to it that I get a tan everytime I go to the beach because some people say I look pasty white at times. Also, there was supposed to be a Concert by Bamboo and Sugarfree (my favorite local bands on one concert! How cool is that?!) last April 13, 2005, but it got postponed because Cocomangas, where it was supposed to be held, was a wreck. For those familiar with the place, I've posted a picture of it, right after the storm. hehe.