Payback

So my right eye is still swollen, and my left cheek still hurts a bit. Man, it's been a long time since i got into a fight. How i wish i was totally prepared for it, so that the stupid asshole would've known exactly who he was dealing with. I've been wishing for an actual fist fight for months, and when it came unexpectedly, i was totally unprepared. fuck. my. life.


It was a real fun night. Just hanging out, we just kept on drinking and drinking. nothing special, but we were having fun. At least i was. And when i called my close friend a bitch--- a word that i meant as a term of endearment when i said it, some asshole suddenly punched me in the face. Partly because i was already tipsy, mostly because i was totally caught by surprise, i wasn't able to react quickly. I fell, then another punch  to the side of my head. I wasn't feeling any pain. Maybe i was numb from all the alcohol. Or maybe that asshole just throws weak punches. And oddly enough, i was calm. I just asked him why the fuck did he punch me. and then there goes another punch. The way i reacted was kinda funny, now that i think about it. it's just not the proper reaction when someone punches you in the face. and it's definitely not the reaction one would expect from me--- after all, rage has been bubbling underneath my skin for months now, threatening to break free without any warning. But i'm happy when i'm drinking. I guess that's why i was calm, i guess that's why i had self control. The fact that those weren't very strong punches made it easy for me to brush everything off. And yeah, though my friend's denying it, it does appear that they are in a relationship. subconsciously, i guess i was also thinking about her. And i was a lot older than that asshole, so the mature path was mine to take. By the time we were on our way home, i was already laughing about it. I was just gonna chalk it up to experience and move along. another story from my colorful little life that we can talk about on some other drunken night.


But god, when i woke up with a swollen eye and a painful jaw, all that rage started to pour in. The calming effect of the alcohol was gone, and i was back to my normal, spiteful self. I wanted nothing more than to get back at that asshole. On my normal state, i have made guys bigger than him fall, and i can definitely make him pay for what he did. yeah, i called our friend a bitch, but is he aware of the state of our friendship for him to decide if i offended her or not? We've been friends for twelve years, and we call each other names in jest--- all the time. And even if he wasn't aware of it, any sane person can tell with the way i spoke that i didn't call her that in a derogatory manner. He took the word for its literal meaning without analyzing the context of how i said it. god, how stupid is he? and let's say i did mean calling people names, can't we have a discussion on it first? he goes ahead and just throw punches as he pleases? yeah i admit i curse a lot, but that's the way i am, that's how i speak, that's my normal vocabulary. he has no right to tell me how to speak to people, especially when i only say those words casually and in a friendly, non provoking manner. it's not like i have a motive to continually offend people. if people get offended, bring it up with me and i'll try to control the words coming out of my mouth. no one has a right to force me to cleanse my language, and no one has the right to go ahead and use force instead of discussing such issues with me first. I'm no hypocrite, i admit i have a very short temper, but i don't go around just punching people just to make them conform to what i think is proper. i don't go around hitting people without having some sort of discussion first. and i don't go around throwing punches unless someone is undeniably provoking me first.


You bet i'm gonna get back at him. there's just no way i'm not. but this bitch that i used to call my friend just wouldn't tell me where i can find that stupid lameass boytoy of hers. i'm gonna find out sooner or later, and when that day comes, he's gonna regret ever messing with me. it's not about my male ego, it's about being fair. it's about being just.  it's about teaching a very irrational person a thing or two about life. If he can't adapt to different people, if he can't tolerate how different i am from him, then he might as well live in an asylum or something. Or he might as well drop dead. if i could find i way to get away with murder, then i would. That dumbass needs to pay. And the world would be a better place with less assholes like him, i'd be doing this shitty world a small favor. Again i'm not being a hypocrite. He's the one who started this, i'm only gonna finish it. because clearly, he's not strong enough to finish this whole mess himself.

Religulous

Though i don't really care about religion, i've always been tolerant and respectful of other people's beliefs. I may silently mock them, but I never say all those thoughts out loud. It also never occurred to me to try and sway people from their beliefs. I know having faith in something can have some benefits, especially when people have nothing else to turn to. It gives people that false sense of security and comfort, and during times of duress, a false sense of comfort is better than no sense of comfort at all. but religion has this tendency to make people throw the very basics of common sense out the window. Many times, i just find myself shaking my head.


For months our mother has been pestering us to have a pilgrimage of sort--- the whole family, simply because it's better if the whole family went. we will receive more blessings. it's not very far, just a five hour drive... but to me, driving for five hours just to visit some "special" church just seems so trivial... and unnecessary. it had to be postponed several times due to conflicts with out schedules--- hey, we all have different lives, and it can be a daunting task to fix out schedules so that we can have one similar day off from work. then she finally put her put down. we had to do it this month because if we postponed it any further, something bas will happen. whatever that was exactly, i didn't even bother to ask. her answer will probably be some more superstitious religious nonsense, and that would piss me off even more. but to days before that trip, i came down with the flu. i told them i'd rather not go with them, but both of my parents gave me that look they gave me whenever they felt the need to start one of their tirades, so i knew better that to argue. even with a fucking cold, even if i had a fever, even if i hadn't even slept yet, i went with them. I was blowing my nose during that whole trip, but gives a shit. we were  headed toward sacred grounds, and once we get there everything will be all right.


By the time we arrived, i just walked around. So this was that special church, which looked no different from all the churches i've seen. well, it was more dilapidated than most, i wonder if that's what makes it so special. No use kneeling down someplace and pretend to pray. there were probably more than a hundred people kneeling, praying aloud, some even crying. a lot of people were rubbing their handkerchiefs on some statues, as if those statues were their gods or something. oh what a sight to see. i just took pictures of the different sights, trying to take artistic shots of anything i laid my eyes on. then suddenly, someone familiar was standing a few feet away from me, looking directly at me, smiling.... it was the lord Jesus Christ himself... okay i'm just kidding. it was my aunt, who's an even bigger religious freak than my mom. she was all giddy as she was walking toward me.


She said she was so happy to see me there, unexpectedly. truly the lord works in mysterious ways blah blah blah. she asked me who i was with, and when i told her she exclaimed more religious nonsense. when i brought her back to where my parents were, she told them that we should all go to this blessed well a few miles away, because when you bathe yourself with the water coming out of that well, all of your ailments will go away. that's how her arthritis disappeared she said. her daughter's psoriasis was also cured after she bathed herself with the water from that well, and all her doctors were completely baffled. and then there was this guy who had cancer and he was cured miraculously a few days after bathing in the well.  oh please. ever heard of coincidences? ever heard of remissions? ever heard of the natural course of psoriasis, and how it comes and goes? she knew that my mom was developing arthritis, so she told us that we should definitely go. and then she noticed me sneezing and blowing my nose, and she told me once i washed my face with the water coming out of the well,  my cold would go away in an instant. i felt like telling her that i was probably just allergic to bullshit, because i've been hearing a lot of that these past few days, but like a good nephew, i just chose to smile and stay silent. so to make a long story short, we went to that fucking well. my mom washed her hands, my dad even took off his shirt and washed his whole body. my sisters washed their faces. to my surprise, my aunt drank some of the water. she told me to drink some too, so that my cough would go away.... ehhh... ever heard of microbial organisms, a lot of which thrive in rural wells? but what the heck, i washed my nose, washed my neck, and because the heat was already getting to me, i played along and washed my hair and torso. for a minute my cold was gone, and i though--- shit. miracles do happen. I was wrong, the lord is real, i should repent! repent! ... then i sneezed again. and i had to blow my nose. i looked at my aunt and i guess she knew what i was thinking. miracles don't happen immediately she said. the faithful knows how to wait. like i said. bullshit.


i'm cynical. Yeah i may be stubborn at times. but i'm also fucking objective. if you want me to have faith in something or someone, then show me something concrete to hold on to, something that could justify my faith in him or in it. I'm sorry to say this, but blind faith is for morons. it's not just ridiculous, it's also fucking stupid. just look at the things some people do for religion, and look at the things religion does to them. worshipping statues. drinking from a dirty well. believing in a whole lot of superstitious nonsense. and look at the most extreme cases, suicide bombers all in the name of the goes that they worship. these people are too gullible or just simply stupid. no wonder they have so much faith in their religion. Religion should be used to guide you, people should use it make better persons of themselves. Instead of guiding people, religion just shows other people how stupid some people can get. Nothing can be more ridiculous than that.

Revision

So maybe i was simply caught up in all that anger when my wrote my previous entry. After almost a month my mood has changed a bit... and i'm capable of thinking clearly one again. But time hasn't changed my disdain of humanity in general. I know there are a lot of good people out there, people who are still capable of selflessness and genuine concern... but they are overwhelmed by the overwhelming majority. I doubt if i could ever regain my faith in humanity ever again. 

i hate driving to work. it burns me up everyday. It takes so much longer to get to work as it should, thanks to traffic mismanagement. thanks to those stupid individuals who make up all those stupid traffic rules, and as ordinary citizens, we have no choice but to obey. and i also have to thank all those stupid drivers who keep clogging our streets with their incompetency. i mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand simple traffic rules. all it takes is common sense, something that i used to think we were all born with, but i was wrong apparently. take one of my pet peeves: vehicles that block intersections. if they can very well see that there's a traffic jam up ahead and they can't really move that much forward, why the fuck would they continue moving their vehicles and then subsequently blocking the intersection? because they just want everyone else to join them in their misery, is that it? were they secretly hoping that all the vehicles in front of them would miraculously all move forward and give way for them? god, i don't know if these people are incredibly stubborn, selfish, or simply incredibly stupid. i wouldn't mind shooting them in their fucking heads if only someone made it legal to do so. i wouldn't even feel guilty afterward. I'd be ridding this world of stupid people who only serve to bring others down along with them. getting rid of them would be for the greater good, no doubt about it.

And then the grave robbers were at it again. before they just slowly ripped off the metal trimmings outside the mausoleum...i dunno, they would probably melt them and then sell them afterward. then they stole the lights outside. We didn't check on the mausoleum for a month, then when we came for a visit three weeks ago the whole metal gate was missing. Jesus, those bastards managed to take the whole gate. It amazes me how they could have taken that whole gate, carried it out to the streets and not one person saw them carrying it. The street outside is very busy even in the wee hours of the morning, it's impossible that no one noticed them carrying such a big gate. It's either no one cared, or the people in the surrounding area were in cahoots with them. And with the gate gone, the entire contents of the mausoleum was one big free for all. All decorations were gone, as well as the lights and fans. Anything that they could take, they took it. I was surprised they even left the kitchen sink and the toilet bowl. Maybe they just left them for next time, because apparently for the bastards and assholes in the surrounding neighborhood, they have found their new source of income. with shit like that happening, how could i ever learn to trust people again? I keep thinking of just staying there for one night and wait for anyone of them to show up. Then i would shoot them pointblank. I can never go on a random shooting spree without feeling guilty afterwards, but with those people, i could kill them with no apprehensions at all. or maybe put them to sleep with an intravenous medication first, bring them someplace and then skin them alive, very slowly. or maybe burn them alive so that i won't make that much of a mess. their screams would bring such pleasure to me, that's one thing that is certain. These people behaved like animals, and they deserve to be treated like animals. By doing such deeds, they have revoked their right to be treated as humans. honestly, even if they were already dying of hunger, even if they can find no other source of income, would that justify disrespecting other people's graves? how can they eat the food at their tables knowing how they were able to get  food that they were eating? to do so would be to give in to your animal side, to your carnal cravings. and if they choose to live like animals, then they deserve to die like animals as well. they deserve to be slaughtered like cows and pigs in the slaughterhouse. No mercy to those who continue to live by simple necessity. 

So yeah, i wouldn't just kill anyone for no reason at all. i was caught up in rage when i said that, that wasn't me talking at all. but for all the many people who have waived their right to humanity by virtue of stupidity and giving in to their animal cravings? i would gladly kill all of them one by one, if only someone would give me the power and right to do so.

Rage

If someone handed me a gun earlier, i would have shot everyone in sight, i swear.


I really don't know what's happening to me these days. Somehow, i have become totally numb. I have become morally ambiguous. I could practically do anything and i wouldn't feel bad after. I guess my conscience has totally disappeared. I felt its presence slowly diminishing as days went by, but i couldn't determine the exact point in time when it totally left me. And in a fit of rage, i could practically do anything without any regard for all possible consequences. Instead of thinking, i would just act as i please... or let anyone do anything to me as they please... And i doubt if would feel any remorse after. I believe i could kill someone outright and i wouldn't feel a thing right after. except maybe for that tiny bit of pleasure as i have carried out an inherent carnal craving.


When we see stuff like that in the news, we are shocked. we are appalled. we are dumbfounded. Back then i didn't understand how such individuals acted the way they did. I wondered what could have made them do such horrible things, i wondered about the state of their minds. Surely, no person in his proper state of mind could commit such acts. These people must have gone crazy, and something traumatic must have pushed them onto that breaking point. But now i know that's not always the case. because i have felt that rage in my proper state of mind, and only then was i able to understand. They were fed up with humanity in general. They were fed up with this fucked up world and all its inhabitants. Humans are by nature selfish beings, humans are by nature destructive and violent. Humans are arrogant and they don't care for anyone else but themselves. I know because i am human, and no matter how much i rationalize, no matter how much i try to convince myself otherwise, there's no denying that flicker of my animal side, and i am sure that it is also present in everyone else. We question how such people can harm so many innocent lives, but is anyone really innocent? we are all guilty, either actively or passively. If several people are truly capable of caring unconditionally in this world, they are only a handful. All the rest are scum. If someone handed me a gun earlier i would have gone on a shooting spree before i shoot myself in the head. Everything was so fucked up earlier and i got so tired of all the people, i got so tired of every one's nuances, i got so tired of the chaos in this fucked up world. If someone hadn't come and took me away from all that, i would have totally exploded. I may not have a gun, but i would have totally committed unspeakable acts of violence with my fists in such a fit of rage.I would have wanted nothing more than to end it all right then and there, and i see nothing wrong if i bring a ton of scum along with me. The aftermath may be horrible, but in the long run i would have made this world a better place. I see nothing wrong with that at all, and neither should all of you.

That Fine Line

I hate being sick. Whenever i'm sick, i lose all sense of reason. I lose all control. Whenever i feel this bad, this weak... whenever i feel this shitty, it just makes it so much easier to end it all. When i feel well, i'm not someone who would back down from almost anything, but when i'm feeling this way, i'm someone who wouldn't even put up a fight. Right now i'm wishing that when i fall asleep later, hopefully i won't be able to wake up anymore. Problem solved, this miserable feeling would go away in an instant. I know i have the means stashed someplace that's easily accessible... but simply thinking about going through all the motions leaves me tired. All i want to do is lie down and wait. I'm groggy from all the meds i've been taking. If there really is a supreme being, he should be aware of how miserable i'm feeling right now. If he could only show a bit of mercy, he would take me out of my misery.


Even before this infection hit me, i've been feeling really down these past few weeks, i dunno why. About two months ago i was feeling fine. That was when i've come up with a plan, something that seemed really feasible back then, but it seems pretty bleak now.  I wanted to give it another try, but then it hit me. If i didn't make it before when my chances were better, i guess i probably won't be able to make it now. I've been doing a lot of crazy things, things that i would never have done a few years or even a few months ago, when i was still my normal self. But with the way i'm feeling now, nothing really seems to matter anymore. who gives a shit about consequences, who gives a shit about personal values and convictions. who gives a shit about principles. Certainly not me. Whatever i do, whatever i choose not to do, it doesn't really matter since i'd be gone in a few years anyway. I don't care about anything anymore. I simply refuse to. I have become morally and spiritually numb.


All the shit that goes on around the world certainly does not help change my perspective. People aren't good by nature. That's nothing but a fucking myth. People are selfish. people are assholes. People are by nature destructive. There are a few good souls here and there, sure... but they are grossly outnumbered by the scummy majority. Humanity is not something worth caring for, it's not something worth fighting for. When the time comes that i have to leave this world, humanity is not something i would miss. It would be a great relief to be away from such horrible beings.

Maybe i'm just saying this because of the things that have been going on around me these past few weeks, all that shit has definitely put me in a pessimistic mood. but such things have been happening for the longest time right? I just wasn't aware of them before. It's just not my family. It's not just about what's happening to my close friends. It's about what's happening everywhere around the world. Grave robbers continue to loot my grandparent's mausoleum. I dunno how we can stop them from doing so. My close friend's dad was killed 2 weeks ago, when drunkards beat him up real bad for no logical reason resulting in a traumatic head injury. And then i look at what happened in norway. in london. What's still happening in the middle east. It's as if all sense of reason has gone out the window. Civilization has regressed to its barbaric nature. It's as if humane and ethical means of solving problems and voicing our grievances have become totally unheard of. There can be no peace because man is by nature primitive and violent. Who can be optimistic when everywhere you look, there's nothing to be optimistic about? When even the educated show glaring signs of stupidity, when even the so called intelligent ones aren't capably of sound reasoning? I'm not really being pessimistic, i'm just being realistic. There's a fine line between those two things, the same fine line that separates optimism from stupidity. I see a lot of things wrong with the world, and that surely doesn't make me stupid. I'd rather call things as i see them, and not pretend that everything is fine and dandy when it's clearly not. I have valid reasons for feeling this way, i have reasons for being depressed. People say i have a lot of things to be thankful for,  they say that i'm luckier than most, but are those enough reasons to be happy? Are those enough reasons to keep on smiling and basically ignore everything that's wrong in our lives? Anyone who says that this world is worth fighting for, that this world is worth living for is either ignorant or a liar. I'd rather die now and be free from all the crap the world throws at me than to continue living more years in a lie. As i've said, i'm not being pessimistic. I'm just being real.

Through the Negativity

I couldn't say i was surprised. It's just that i was hoping that i was wrong. I suspected it when my cousin was diagnosed with shingles. He was fit and healthy, he was not in any undue amount of stress. There has to be a reason why he became immunocompromised. So i forced him to undergo some tests, just to rule out certain possibilities. When the results came out, i was right.

So yeah. He's HIV positive. And he also has hepatitis B. At first he was just laughing about it as he told me on the phone. He kept making jokes, injecting humor in a very serious situation. So i went along with him. But the next day i received a call from his sister, and she told me that when she visited him he was laughing at first, but the wall that he surrounded himself with suddenly fell down, and all his tears came rushing out all at once. He told her he wanted to kill himself. Maybe he would ask for my help so he can get his hands on a lot of prohibited meds, swallow all those pills in an instant and let it all be over and done with. I didn't know what to say. I would say that we're pretty close, but i never saw that side of him. I've always known him to be that happy go lucky guy, that guy you can always count on if you want to have a great time. He's the guy you can count on if you want to leave your problems behind... albeit temporarily. Come to think of it, that was how we became close. He always gave me some sort of escape whenever i needed to.

I've had several misadventures with him. During my carefree days, back when i didn't give a fuck, he showed me all the perfect spots, where to pick up the hottest girls for the cheapest price, where i can really have a good time. He taught me all there is to know about the trade. You could say that he was my mentor. Maybe it was inevitable, that he would catch something serious. Two years ago he got infected with gonorrhea and we were laughing about it as i was treating him. He got laid very often. There was a time that he got laid almost every night, and each night it's with a different girl. And he never practiced safe sex. Whether it's with prostitutes, with some girl he knew from work, or some random chick he met at a bar, he never wore condoms. I always tell him to wear condoms, but he would just give me that cynical and smug look of his whenever i told him that. The fact that he knew for a fact that i don't always practice what i preach makes me sound like some sort of a hypocrite i guess. He even got laid two weeks before the results came out. And he still had shingles back then. I didn't know what surprised me more. The fact that he could still have sex even when his arm was painful as hell... or the fact that some chick could get horny as fuck that they would screw someone who had a lot of lesions in his arm.

I saw him the other day. I made a medical certificate for him, diagnosing him with some bullshit sickness, the most plausible illness that i could think of just so he can get transferred to the morning shift. Morning shift = less stress. That was how i justified my recommendation without going through the specifics. He wasn't ready to tell people yet, and i understood him. No matter how much people say that they understand HIV and AIDS, discrimination still exists, especially in the workplace. People will avoid him, like that asshole brother of his, who left their apartment the very minute he found out because he believed he will get infected. He could even lose his job if his boss makes up some silly excuse just to get him fired. Stuff like that happens. And he cant afford to lose his job, especially with his many future expenses. If they ever found out that i made some bogus diagnosis, i could get reprimanded... heck, i could get suspended but i didn't really care. All I wanted to at that time was to help him, and i was willing to do everything i could.

When he entered the clinic, i no longer saw that smile that he always wore. now he doesn't even make any attempt to hide his true feelings. As I was explaining to him the results of all the exams, as i was discussing his illness and his prognosis, he became teary eyed. And then he started to cry. There was nothing i could do or say to make him feel better. Any word would just seem like horse shit coming out of my mouth. So i just let him cry. After a while i told him that i knew what he was thinking. His sister told me that he was contemplating suicide. It's not the end of the world. He could still live a normal life. He still had so many years ahead of him, he can still do all the things he wanted to do. There's no need to let go of his dreams and ambitions. But we both knew that wasn't exactly true. We both knew that i was just trying to make him feel better. His condition may not change everything, but it changes a lot of things. On many drunken nights he had told me his goals in life. How he wanted to start his own business. How he wanted to earn a lot of money so that his mom no longer had to work. How he wanted to send her niece to school and finance her education until she finishes college... because his good for nothing brother didn't want to have anything to do with his own kid. And how he wanted to have a family of his own someday, once his family didn't depend on him as much as they do now. For someone who seems so frivolous on the outside, this man has such noble goals. His dreams in life prioritizes the needs of other rather than focusing on his. There are so many things that he can no longer do. Several of his dreams can no longer be turned into reality. And i guess that's what hurts the most--- to have your dreams crushed in front of you, just like that. As i look into his eyes, i see myself in him. I knew exactly how he was feeling. We both wear this facade, we want to show the world that we are carefree, that we have no worries, that there's always something to be happy about. We always wear this smile, we try to project this aura of happiness just so we can hide the mess that we are inside. I know what it's like to be filled with dreams, and just like that, because of some bizarre twist of fate, everything is taken away from you.... leaving you with no hope, leaving you with no purpose and no sense of direction, leaving you in such a state of disarray. After our long talk, i've managed to cheer him up a bit. He told me that somehow I've managed to give him a little bit of hope. He's probably lying, i know. He's just trying to make me feel better, as much as i was trying to cheer him up. It would talk more than several inspirational words to lift me out of a state of misery. If nothing can pull me out of this present state i'm in, i doubt if anything can pull him out of his either. I may not be able to make things better for him, but i wanted him to know that i'm here for him. And unlike the many people surrounding him, i understand exactly how he's feeling. I'm pretty sure he's not aware of it, i've never taken off my mask in front of him... but I am a kindred soul. As we continue walking through this joke that we call life, we can't really do much. It's either we give up now, or we keep moving as we laugh along with it. And as long as i'm able to, i would be laughing along with him if he chooses to.

Of Dogs and Men

People seem to assume that I like dogs. That’s not exactly true. Yeah, my username on different websites usually has the word dog attached to my name… but that’s just something a few of my friends called me in high school--- and it stuck. Because dogs are always horny, that's their explanation. I wasn’t really a horndog back then, but you know how high school life is. Once people start branding you with something, it’s gonna stick no matter how far it is from the truth.

Now back to our canine friends. I’m not really fond of dogs. I don’t hate them either. You can say I’m indifferent, but when they start becoming overly playful they become incredibly annoying… especially if I’m not in the mood. Yeah there are times when I like playing with dogs, especially when I’m incredibly bored. But after a few minutes I’ll grow tired of the game. Then they become annoying as again... sometimes they get too annoying, that i have to keep myself from kicking the hell out of them.

It’s not just dogs. I’m not very fond of pets in general. It wasn’t always like this. I remember when I was around 5 or 6, me and my siblings used to collect hamsters. At the peak of our hamster hoarding phase, I think they reached about 30 in number. We couldn’t keep track of all of them, and it wasn’t unusual to find a dead hamster tucked beneath some furniture on any given day. I didn’t really care for them. I viewed them as some sort of commodity, and I never developed any form of attachments to those creatures. When one died, we just bought another one. I guess the only time I got attached to a pet was when I was about 9 years old. Each of us had a rabbit, and I frequently played with mine. But one day we made the mistake of leaving them outside during a storm, and by the time we checked on them they were all dead. When I saw my rabbit, I cried so hard. I was the only one who cried, and I got so embarrassed, yet I couldn’t stop. I kept crying until the next day. I even made a makeshift coffin and grave for my rabbit, it even had a makeshift tombstone. The next week our grandpa bought new rabbits for each of us, but it just wasn’t the same. I never grew fond of my new rabbit. She just wasn’t as affectionate. I left her outside on most days, and after a few months i didn't even bother to see it at all. After two years when I was told that it had died I just shrugged m shoulders. I just didn’t care at all.

We always had dogs inside our house. Even the big and burly ones, we kept them inside our house. My sister is very fond of dogs. When one died, she’s gonna ask for a new one. At first she preferred those toy dogs, but as she grew older, she began to prefer those big dogs… and I found them more annoying. They slobber twice as much, they make more of a mess, and they stink the hell out of our house, especially when it gets really warm.

Around that time when I had that rabbit, my mom had a dog named Max. Our neighbors were so afraid of that dog. He was big, and any time he saw a stranger, he was ready to attack. I wasn’t really fond of him, because he was big and stinky, and he loved to slobber all over me especially during the mornings when I’m about to go to school so I’d have to clean myself up all over again. But all that changed after one incident. I don’t remember the reason, but my dad was so angry at me that time that he was about to beat the hell out of me. He pushed me once and I fell on the floor, and just when he was about to hit me, along came Max. He barked so loud and was about to bite my dad on his hand. My dad managed to pull his hand away just in time, then Max chased him to his room where he locked himself in. I never saw my dad run so fast. I was crying so hard that time, yet I couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of my dad acting like such a big pussy. After a few minutes of barking and growling at the locked door, Max came back to me and he licked my tears as I hugged him tight. How could I not possibly love that dog. It’s impossible not to feel affection for a dog who’s so loyal. He was on my side, and that meant a lot to me. On that fateful day when someone forgot to close our front door and Max got out, I knew just how sad my mom was feeling back then. For about two weeks, my mom kept preparing his food, just in case he came back on his own. She knew that was next to impossible, yet she kept hoping. I heard her crying for so many nights, and I knew exactly how she felt. That feeling of loss was so great because Max wasn’t just an ordinary dog. To her and to me, that dog was part of the family. In fact, I felt closer to Max than some people in our family.

When I came home a few months back, I was surprised to find a new addition to our kennel--- My brother bought a beagle. Great. Another dog. In addition to the mixed breed we keep outside, and to that huge german sheperd that kept on shedding its fur inside our house. It was kept inside a small cage, so I figured it’s not really going to bother me. But everytime they let it out, it would try to hijack one of my shoes, and it pees and shits all over the house--- so many times in a span of a few minutes, I often wonder where all that shit and pee were coming from. But no matter how annoying that dog is, what annoys me more is my brother. He bought that dog, yet I never saw him take it outside except on Saturdays. During weekdays, after coming home from work, he basically ignores it. On Saturdays after spending an hour or two with it, he’s gonna go someplace else and he’s just gonna leave it in the house for everyone else to take care of it. And now he’s out of the country, guess who’s taking care of his dog. It’s been more than half a year since he bought it and that dog should be potty trained by now, yet it isn’t because no one’s training it. If you buy a dog, then it’s your responsibility. Jesus, he’s not a child who could just buy a dog due to impulse, and expect others to do the real work for him. If you can’t handle the added responsibility, then don’t buy a pet for Christ’s sake. That’s why I don’t buy pets. I just can’t deal with the added responsibility of caring for another living thing. I have enough things to worry about at this point in my life, and I don’t have the patience to deal with the idiosyncrasies of any specific pet. I guess that also explains why i'm content being alone most of the time. I don't want to deal with the excess baggage, i want to be free from any complications that any sort of interaction might bring. On my free time I would prefer to just sit back without worrying about anything at all. I’m not someone who’d buy a pet just for company. And I’m not someone who could easily pass the burden to someone else the minute I find out I just can’t handle it.

Early this morning, after I had my breakfast, I saw it staring at me from its cage. Normally I wouldn’t even let it bother me, but it just looked so sad and lonely. If you’re kept inside that small cage all day, who wouldn’t be. When my sister is here she would let it out and play with it, then clean up the mess afterwards, but it’s been a week since she’s been here so the poor thing has been kept inside its cage all week. I must have been incredibly bored this morning because I let the dog out, got her leash, and took her for a walk. For real. She peed at least twice, but it didn’t matter since we were outside. And for some reason, I didn’t get to see any poop. When i was walking her, she wasn't forcing me to go anywhere i didn't want to go. If I didn't know any better, i would've thought that she was trying to be in her best behavior, because I know for a fact that she's not like that at all. Everyone describes her as being a huge pain in the ass. I carried her and she didn't make a fuss. I let her sit on my lap and she didn't make a big fuss. In fact, she just remained still. She seemed perfectly content as I was. The whole scenario just felt so weird and alien to me. Maybe being kept inside that cage for so long affected her behavior somewhat. Or maybe her doggie sense told her that I'm not that type of person who was willing to play games with her. I'm not the type of person she can mess with. Maybe it was just perfect timing, and maybe the exact scenario may never happen again, but it felt so odd and so good at the same time. That was when i thought that this could work. Something like this can actually work. Like the way we interact with other people, sometimes it's all about the right place, the right time, the right circumstance... even one small alteration in any of those parameters can spell the difference between animosity and harmony. I guess everything was just right on that Friday morning. I guess there's a chance that i can form some sort of attachment with a pet after all. Up until I took that dog for a walk, I've always thought it was impossible. No matter how much I try to deny it, there are times that i find myself letting my wall down. This wall has kept me from being hurt and it has kept me free from additional emotional baggage, but every once in a while, it feels good to let the wall down. No man could thrive in complete isolation after all.

It's in the News

I don't like being idle. because the first thing I do when I'm idle is surf the net. And then i eventually end up in web sites that i don't usually frequent. Including sites that keep me up to date on the things that are happening back home. And you know how I feel about the things that happen back home. Sure, a few can bring a smile to my face... but a lot of things just make me sad. A lot of things make me feel ashamed and disappointed. And a lot of things can totally piss me off.

Just browsing through these so called legitimate and professional websites is enough to make one lose his temper. How can you have much respect for these news organizations when they often resort to tabloid journalism. They prefer to sensationalize everything, even the most insignificant things just to gain more attention. They prefer to add melodrama to everything, because that would tug the hearts of most people, and therefore increasing patronage. They have the gall to proclaim that as news organizations, they have no bias--- yet the very first sentence of every article screams bias. Instead of simply telling the news, they insert their own opinions. Some articles even begin with the opinion of the author, instead of presenting the facts first. A lot of these journalists insert adjectives, like how one party is rich while the other is poor, or how one party has a lot of supporters while the other has none, effectively imposing on their target audiences their own bias. Several news reports would focus on sob stories of one party, using all available tools just to elicit more emotion and sympathy from their readers, some extending to several pages without getting the side of the other party. And if they did, the articles about the party that they do not favor would be restricted to several paragraphs, or littered with words that would put them in a negative light. They aim to condition the minds of their readers to feel the same way they do, to empathize with the same people that they feel sympathy for. Some don't even lay out the whole truth, just bits and pieces of it. Then they embellish the article with their own opinions--- just enough to attract attention, yet at times they want it to be downright scandalous. It's the same with the news that they broadcast on TV. It's all about sensationalism so that they can get more attention, so that they can get higher ratings. Who cares if such actions could muddle police work, who cares if they could interfere with the judicial system, who cares if their actions could end up hurting a lot of people? These people claim that it's their duty to tell the news, that they're doing it as service for the people. What a load of bullshit. When things go wrong, they resort to pointing fingers, and they cannot be blamed because they were doing their duty. They act as if they are being oppressed, as if they were victims as well. Boo fuckin' hoo. Forgive me if I have no sympathy for these so called journalists. If they want intelligent people to believe in the things that they are saying, if they want us to believe that it's not all about the money to them, then they better start doing their jobs properly. Enough of sensationalism, bias, and melodrama. They belong in scripted shows on TV, not on the evening news. Opinions and bias should be placed on the opinion pages of newspapers, not on the front page. How can one have much respect for the media when they assume that people want sensationalism and melodrama? And even if the people do, how can one respect an institution that even patronizes and encourages such behavior instead of being a tool for change? How can one have much respect for these institutions when most of their actions reflect the selfish motives beneath that cloak of social service? They have the capability to promote change, they have the capacity to exert great influence, yet they do not choose to use that power properly. Because in the end, it's all about ratings, it's all about money. Anything that can jeopardize their place in the ratings game should not even be attempted. And how can one respect a nation's people when they allow themselves to be used by the media and certain powerful individuals, when they allow their minds to be conditioned in certain ways? How can you have faith in a nation when the majority of its population clamor for brainless, sensationalized and tainted journalism instead of demanding that they get the facts straight without all the embellishment--- without all the added stuffing that only serve to muddle everything? How can one have faith in his people when they let other people dictate beliefs on them, even when they are capable of independent and unbiased thinking? How can one still respect a nation when majority of its population fail to use their gift of logical reasoning because that always let emotions get in the way?

Oh, that's right. I've lost faith and respect for these people a long time ago. And so far, nothing that has happened during the past few months can restore my faith in them again.

...

So why do i still fuckin' care?

The Sea of Gullibility

I'm having one of those moods wherein the simplest things completely piss me off. Now it's status updates and profile pictures on Facebook.

I've been seeing such useless propaganda for years now. It all started with the "causes" application. Sure it was a novel idea. But after joining one cause, what happens then? most of us just forget about it. As if clicking on the join tab would be enough. You think we've done our part because once we've joined one cause we promote awareness since that latest activity would be posted on our news feed? Let's get real. If we did not donate any money to a legitimate organization, if we did not invite more friends and talk to them intimately one by one about our cause and why they should also believe in it, if we did not do everything in our power to convince them if they do not share our beliefs, if we did not go out into the world to do something more for our cause--- we didn't do anything at all, besides clicking on the join button.

For the past year or so, things took a different turn. People started posted messages on their status updates, people posted certain pictures and they ask all their friends to do the same, because it's all for a worthy cause. A lot of them are shams, preying on people's inherent gullibility or stupidity, taking advantage of people who are prone to cease all critical brain functions whenever they are enveloped in their own little online world. A lot are completely fabricated by people who have a little too much time on their hands, and they just want to see how far their clever propaganda can go. A lot are these causes are silly, a lot are done just for fun, and people join such activities simply because they're fun and everyone else is doing it. But there are some causes that are legitimate. And some of these propaganda are done for worthy causes, and not just to expose the stupidity and gullibility of most people. But really, what do we get from them? When everyone would post such status updates, does this exercise really prevent violence against women and children? Do they really serve to eradicate racism and discrimination? Do such actions help us prevent certain illnesses and eradicate diseases? Do they give justice to victims of heinous crimes, do they help eradicate poverty, hunger, and corruption? By participating in such campaigns, can we really promote world peace? Do we really think that such simple gestures can make our world a better place to live in? One of the most silly campaigns was to post your bra color to raise breast cancer awareness. Now, did it really make most people aware of breast cancer? More than half of the people i know were scratching their heads when these women started posting colors on their status updates. It would have been more effective if these women posted pictures of their breasts instead. At first I was laughing when friends of mine were posting the color of their bras thinking they would make a difference, but when most of my women friends started taking part in such a ridiculous and pointless exercise, it just became so disheartening.

For one thing, it's depressing to see how your friends can be manipulated so easily. But it's even more depressing when your friends do not allow themselves to be manipulated, when they decide to join such campaigns after deep thought, yet they don't go beyond posting a single picture or a status update. They sincerely believe that by simply participating, they can really make a difference, no matter how small that difference is. What happens after that? Most people stop there, without even thinking if they can do more. Or they just wait until the next campaign would come along, and then they would join the bandwagon again in order to appear cool and trendy. Whatever happened to being proactive? I remember when people actually went out of their own little worlds and into the real world, when they actually did something concrete and productive, when they actually reached out to someone, when their actions would actually amount to something. Now all we do is click on buttons, and then we relish the thought that we've already done our part, no matter how little it is. It would be great if we have actually done a little. But when we don't follow up those status updates with something else, we have actually done nothing. If we could only exert more effort to get off our lazy asses, we could surely do something to help these worthy causes. It doesn't end with a single status update or a click of a button. It should only start from there.

I am so sick and tired of all this slacktivism. Everyone else should feel the same way too.

All Rage and Fury

I used to be that sort of person. The one who just lets things pass. The one just keeps everything in stride. The one who can still manage to smile even when everything is boiling deep inside. That was me back then. And this is me now.

In recent years, it’s becoming harder and harder to keep the anger inside. It’s just that I’ve become pissed with so many things in my life, and one thing just tends to aggravate all the others. When I’m trying to contain all that anger inside me, it all builds up. And every now and then, I could no longer contain the pressure, and I just burst from the slightest provocation. But after that I feel fine again. All the anger has gone away. All that’s left is an empty vessel, ready to be filled up again.

It used to take such a long time before that vessel is all filled up. But these past few weeks, I’ve been losing my temper way too often. Ever since I’ve had the taste for blood on my grandmother’s funeral march, ever since I’ve experienced that unique feeling of exhilaration… I seem to have been looking for it. For the past couple of months, almost every time that I have been driving during rush hour, I engage in a shouting match with several stupid drivers. And it’s not just purely shouting. I immediately get out of my car, shouting at the other driver, taunting him, telling him to get out of his fucking car and face me like a man. And every time, I’m ready to fight. Every time, I want to fight. And all those times, the other person always backs off. No one seems to have to guts to fight a seemingly crazy person shouting hysterically in public, for all the world to see. Then there was this one time at the gym last week, when I got so annoyed with this guy who kept on grunting loudly every time he was lifting weights. I got so pissed off that I shouted at him, telling him that if he didn’t stop all that annoying grunting, I was going to shut him up permanently. Everyone looked at me, and i didn't care. all I wanted to do was to fight. This guy was bigger than me in every way. Taller than me. Way more muscular than me. There was no way I was going to win a fight with this guy, he could easily beat me to a pulp. Yet I didn’t care. All I wanted was to fight. I wasn’t thinking anymore. All I wanted was to release my anger, I didn’t care anymore if I would get hurt in the process. I had no regard for safety. It’s not just about that great feeling you get when your anger is released. It's not just about that great feeling you feel when you beat up somebody. It's not just about that great feeling you get when you've won a battle based on strength. I was looking for something more. Maybe subconsciously, I do want to get hurt. I want to punish myself, because subconsciously, I’ve been telling myself that I deserve to get hurt. I’ve done so many mistakes in my life, I haven’t done so many things that I should have done, I’ve hurt so many people both intentionally and unintentionally… and I feel that I have to get hurt. I feel that I have to suffer. It’s not enough that I keep beating myself up. Others have to beat the hell out of me as well. I do not deserve all the great things that have happened to me. I don’t deserve such care, such love. I keep wallowing on self pity, yet it’s still not enough. This could just be the result of all the sorrow and grief that I’ve been feeling for the past few months… and all that anger only creates a greater turbulence of emotions. This may just be a phase, I don’t know. All I know is I’ve been feeling so low lately. Maybe someone has to hit me hard on the head to get me out of it. maybe someone has to totally beat me up and leave me for dead to make me realize how pathetic i have been acting lately. But I know that I do not deserve such a quick escape. Maybe to continue wallowing in pain and sorrow is exactly the type of punishment that I deserve. Maybe I haven't suffered enough. Maybe i deserve to suffer more.

Maybe.

Just Deserts

I was surfing the net, reading news from around the world like I always do when I've got nothing better to do. And then I stumbled upon an article, about how Bangkok has gone from its past state of robust economic growth, into its present state of chaos and anarchy.

Looking at the timeline, it's amazing how things could change so much in just a few years. Street demonstrations have become so commonplace, that the whole exercise looks so pathetic and tiresome already. Everyone in the country looks so pathetic. They are not getting any sympathy from the international community. They've become objects of ridicule. Outsiders look at them with amusement, contempt, or disdain.

Rallies are a great way for the people to be heard, but when the people hold such demonstrations that often, with conditions that they wouldn't stop until their demands are met--- they act like spoiled brats, who throw hissy fits with even the slightest provocation whenever they do not get what they want. You don't like the current leader? Demand that he resign. You still don't like his replacement? Let's demand that he resign too. And if you still don't like the one who would replace that replacement? Hey, might as well demand that he step down also.

And that's the thing. They live in a democracy, right? And when they voted for these people in the government, those were the people that majority of the population wanted at that time, right? But when the rotten side of those politicians begin to show, they quickly forget that they are the ones who voted for those politicians in the first place.

These people do not have the right to complain. If things do not turn out the way they have hoped, then they should just DEAL WITH IT. Very few promises ever come true, plans don't always push through, and things rarely turn out the way we hope. Maybe if they used even half of their brains when they voted, maybe things could have turned out better... who knows? To keep on complaining about something that they are partly responsible for is a telltale sign of immaturity. These people should learn to grow up. Sure, things didn't turn out all fine and dandy. Well then, tough luck. They should just take that bitter pill and swallow it, and try to strive for change when the next opportunity comes along--- that is, if they're the type of people who learn from their past mistakes. But for now, they should just learn to live with the repercussions of their stupid decisions. They should take responsibility for their actions. After all, they're not being punished for something that they weren't partially responsible for. They're simply getting exactly what they deserve.

The Sick Cycle

The carnival has started. In fact, it has already reached fever pitch.

I’m not really a fan of elections in this country. It all seems so pointless. It’s nothing but an exercise in futility. Because no matter who wins, nothing changes. People keep making the same mistakes, they keep on making the same stupid decisions. People don't use their heads when they cast their votes, they are easily swayed by emotions. They are easily swayed by the popular sentiment. Their emotions cloud their capabilities for logical thinking, that they often think they are making the right choices--- to the extent that they would fight for these choices with such conviction. And then after a few years, people keep on blaming each other, even though they are part of the blame themselves. It’s funny when you think about it. In fact, I would be laughing out loud if the consequences weren’t so depressing.

Fine. We can blame the masses. Most of them are uneducated and since they make up the majority, they can dictate the outcome of elections. To solve this problem, we should educate the masses, that’s what they say. But with the mess that this country’s educational system is in, all I can say is good luck with that. As long as they are uneducated, we can’t really blame them for making stupid decisions. What pisses me of more are so the so called educated people. They keep on blaming the masses when they themselves keep on making the same stupid decisions. They keep on voting for the wrong people. What’s the use of all that education when they can’t even use a bit of common sense.

Take one leading candidate for example. He has gained a lot of support from the educated and the elite. For the life of me, I can never understand how anyone who’s even using half a brain could support such a candidate. He has a long political history, I’ll give him that--- but he has done close to nothing despite that long political history, and that’s just so pathetic. Arguably, he may not be corrupt, he may be honest--- but is that the sole criteria for choosing someone to lead our country? He lacks the necessary skills to properly lead a nation of millions. Heck, he can’t even stand up for himself. Up until now, every word that comes out of his mouth obviously came from someone else’s. And the reasons that I hear from my peers just leave me dumbfounded. These are doctors, lawyers, businessmen--- they are all educated. Yet the reasons they give for supporting such candidates just leave me scratching my head.

I asked my friends out of curiosity why they are supporting a certain candidate. The most frequent reason--- he has integrity. He’s honest. He’s not corrupt. I doubt that anyone can say for certain that he’s not capable of corruption, but for the sake of argument, lets say he isn’t. Is integrity the sole factor for choosing the right candidate? Shouldn’t he have leadership skills? Shouldn’t he possess intellect as well? Watching the presidential debates would be enough to see how incapable he is, yet most people choose to turn a blind eye. Can’t we choose someone who has both the necessary skills as well as integrity? If you’re going to say that there’s no such candidate, then I urge you to please look again. If you still can’t see that there are such candidates, then I’m sorry to say that’s there’s no hope for your stupidity. What’s the use of all that education when you’re not even using the things you have learned.

Another stupid argument I hear from the “educated”? They have grown tired of intelligent leaders. We’ve already had intelligent and capable leaders in the past, and look at where they have brought us. Of course there are other factors to be considered. Many factors have brought us to where we are now, we can’t just blame it on our capable leaders. I can say that given our situation, they’ve probably handled it the best way they can. Can these people imagine our condition if some of our past leaders weren’t as capable? Well, I guess they can’t imagine such a scenario, they lack the necessary brain power to visualize hypothetical scenarios. After all, they’re saying that integrity alone can make us soar higher.

Some even say that they won’t vote for an intelligent and capable candidate because our present leader is intelligent and capable yet that leader is very corrupt. Way to go! I find it remarkable that adults can think as such. I thought only children generalize. All intelligent people are corrupt. Then I guess all people with integrity are stupid. With such narrow minded reasoning, it’s no wonder these people are supporting whoever it is they are supporting.

The other frequent reason that I hear? Because his parents are considered heroes. They were great leaders. They were people of integrity. Even a kid who is only in third grade knows that such traits aren’t inheritable. Children can be very different from their parents. And again, anyone with half a brain can recognize that he is far from his parents. I just can’t help but wonder why people fail to recognize the stupidity of such line of thinking.

Another reason? He’s the lesser of two evils. Whoever said that there are only two choices? The problem is, even the educated people are swayed by surveys. Sure these surveys have a scientific basis, but we can never be really sure of their accuracy. And let’s admit that sometimes they can be used as a tool for mind conditioning. Still, most people just look at the leading candidates, and then choose between them. As I have mentioned above, the uneducated can greatly influence votes, so it’s no wonder the leading candidates are always those who lack the necessary skills. They just make up for it with charisma, eloquent words, with flashy ads, with celebrity endorsements--- the stuff that the uneducated go for. They keep on saying stuff that the masses want to hear, who cares if these are empty promises, who cares if what they are saying are downright lies. That’s what it takes to win, and the masses are buying it. It’s always like this. And then years after, the elite would bitch and complain, forgetting the fact that years ago they voted for the very same candidates that they are loathing now. Because he or she was the lesser evil. Why are the educated being influenced by the uneducated? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? We don’t have to choose between two evils since there are better candidates who deserve our support. If only the educated would vote for the deserving candidates even though all surveys show that they are unlikely to win--- who knows? Maybe sufficient votes would be reached, giving those deserving candidates a shot. But alas, most people don’t want to take such risks. They don’t want to waste their votes on a losing candidate. With the way the uneducated people keep influencing the votes of the educated, then it’s no wonder that this country is as fucked up as it is. It’s a vicious cycle, and the end is nowhere in sight. The masses keep on making stupid choices. And the so called intelligent people keep on making decisions that are just as stupid. What’s worse, their pride and arrogance prevent them from seeing how stupid their choices are. They are educated, so they are making the right choices. Some of them know how faulty their arguments are, they realize how stupid their decisions are, yet they still make such decisions for whatever selfish reasons that they have. That’s even worse. As long as the educated keep their brains in its present state of dormancy, then there’s just no hope for this god forsaken country.

Toying With Lives

I have always said that I prefer working at government hospitals because that's where I can reach out to a greater percentage of people who need our help the most. But at the place where I'm working now, even when I know the right thing to do, the utter lack of facilities makes my profession futile, and downright pathetic.

First, there are stupid hospital policies, that the administration cooked up from God knows where. Blood glucose meters are not allowed in the emergency room because the department of health allegedly came out with a directive saying that CBG monitoring should be handled by the lab department, along with other blood works. Since when did the Department of Health come out with such a stupid directive? I know for a fact that this is not the case in other hospitals. It just boils down to common sense. There are many instances wherein a patient's blood sugar level should be taken immediately--- when an unconscious patient comes in for example, hypoglycemia should be one of the conditions that should be ruled out at once. But since there are only a few lab personnel on duty at a given time, they can't respond to such cases immediately. Things would be much simpler if we had a blood glucose meter in the emergency room. We had one last year, until the department of health allegedly banned such devices from the emergency room. Honestly, I can't think of a logical motive behind this policy. They even went as far as saying that they are only implementing orders from the Department of Health, when in truth, they are not.

Want to hear another stupid policy? Intubated patients cannot be admitted to the wards, or even in a private room unless they are connected to a mechanical ventilator. This means that if a patient cannot rent a mechanical ventilator, they are stuck in the emergency room until they are extubated, or worse, until they have expired. Staying at the emergency room is more expensive since patients are charged by the hour. We even have the tendency to neglect stable patients when a critical patient comes in. It would be understandable to impose such rules when the patient is to be admitted in the intensive care unit... relatives are not allowed to stay inside, so continuous ambu bagging by the relative is not an option, but to require mechanical ventilators in the wards even when the relatives can provide positive pressure ventilation via ambu bagging? They even have the tenacity--- or should i say enormity to defend themselves, saying such a directive is a standard protocol in all hospital. Christ, give me a fucking break! I wasn't born yesterday. I have worked at other hospitals, and I know for a fact that's not the case in other hospitals! I can't help but feel that it's just another ploy to milk these patients for more cash, just like that directive about the glucose meters. One such case was a patient with a "do not resuscitate order"--- basically we were just waiting for the patient to die. His life could no longer be saved. The family managed to get a private room, and yet the administration wouldn't allow them to be admitted at that room unless they would rent a mechanical ventilator. What the hell for?! The patient only had a few hours left to live, and the relatives only wanted to share their last moments with him in a private room, away from the chaotic atmosphere at the emergency room--- and they were to be deprived of that right because they had to rent a ventilator, of which the payment was non refundable?! Such practices may be acceptable (but arguably unethical and stupid) in private hospitals, but most of the patients we encounter cannot even afford to buy their own medicines, and most of them definitely can't afford to rent a mechanical ventilator. The fact that the administration proclaims that the hospital is a government hospital (even going as far as promoting the hospital as such in local papers), yet imposes such directives that would compel each patient to cough out more cash even when they are obviously unable to--- that's not just hypocrisy to the highest level, it's downright unethical.

And then during my last tour of duty, the only laboratory exams that were available were electrolytes, urinalysis, and fecalysis. That's right, even a complete blood count was unavailable. All other blood works had to be sent out. Good thing we still had paper for ECG tracings, and we still had x-ray films... there were many times that we ran out of both. Yes it's understandable that government hospitals do run out of these things due to budgetary constraints, but such degree of ineptitude is laughable. I would be laughing out loud if it weren't for the fact that the hospital charges exorbitant fees for such procedures, even comparable to the rates charged by some private hospitals. With the rates that they are charging, one would expect a little more quality in terms of services. If they could not deliver, then they should just slash their rates to prices that would be proportional to the pathetic services that they can offer.

And what about the laryngoscope with the busted lamp? We've been complaining for all eternity, practically begging for a replacement, and yet we still see no action. How many times do we have to insert an endotracheal tube blindly, hoping that we have inserted the tube on the airway, and not on the esophagus? And the worst part of my last tour of duty? A patient with a stab would on the abdomen came in dyspneic and very hypotensive. 2 Liters of IV fluid couldn't even raise his blood pressure to normal levels. The abdomen was rigid and slowly expanding. Breath sounds were clear upon auscultation, his dyspnea was probably due to an internal bleeding in his abdomen pushing his diaphragm upward. An emergency exploratory laparotomy was indicated. And as expected, no surgeon was available. Jesus Christ, in that fucking hospital, if it's not the surgeons who are not available, it would be the anesthesiologists. And if by some miracle both were available, the operating room doesn't have all the required materials for emergency operations. It's a NO WIN situation! As I've said before, with regards to these physicians--- if they can't make themselves available for emergency operations, why would they even allow themselves to be decked in the first place?! The surgeon on deck wouldn't answer his phone, and the others had something else to do. I can't really blame them since they were not the ones on call that night, but would it hurt to show even a little bit of concern during our conversations? They all sounded indifferent, some even sounded a bit peeved. We had a life or death situation, wherein every second counts, and I couldn't do anything. If I could operate on the patient in the emergency room, I would have. This has happened many times before, we should just put a huge sign at the emergency room entrance saying "Trauma patients cannot be accommodated in this hospital" to save all of us from trouble. Maybe something as explicit as "Trauma patients die in this hospital. If you want to live, just go straight to another hospital"--- yeah, that would effectively drive the message across.

So what did i do? I called up friends from where I used to work. I told them about my dilemma, and we all agreed that the patient was non transferable (obviously) because he could die any minute, but what else could I do? My hands were tied. i was working at a place that had the gall to call itself a hospital. In truth, it's only a hospital on paper, it's just a hospital by name. It's just a building that's pretending to be a hospital. So yeah, we agreed to transfer the patient as soon as possible... because I had no other choice. We were talking about a patient's life that could be saved. I had to transfer the patient personally because he could die any minute. When we arrived at the place where I used to work, they immediately recognized how critical the situation was, everyone worked quickly and efficiently... a far cry from where we came from, wherein only two of us seemed to recognize that the case before us required immediate action, wherein very few people genuinely seemed to care. Man, I couldn't help but reminisce on how things were more than two years ago, when I was the trauma resident on duty at the emergency room. We also lacked a lot of facilities back then, often we didn't do what is ideal and we often improvise, but we always managed to get things done, somehow. I miss working in a place where i can really help people. These days, on each tour of duty I'm still overwhelmed by feelings of altruism... but I can't seem to put such feelings into action. I genuinely want to help, but because I'm working in such a fucked up place... I just can't. It wouldn't matter if there were no doctors on duty at the hospital, because it wouldn't make a big difference at all. Tears are shed, lives are lost, and no one seems to care. No one seems to do anything about it, and it would seem that not one of those people who are in the position to take action would want to do any action. Patients are just sources of income. For them, lives are dispensable. For them, life just goes on.

Now I'm counting the days until my last tour of duty. I only have until next month, and this is one phase of my life that I couldn't wait to get over with. A person can only go so far before the sense of futility breaks him down. Even though I'm not doing it deliberately, I've had enough of toying with people's lives.

Misunderstood

During one casual conversation, a friend exclaimed that as a group, we only watch the movies that I want to see. When they ask me to watch movies that they want to see , i say no if i don't feel like watching it. It was said as a joke, but obviously, it was half meant.

Why is this even an issue?!

Does it create the impression that I'm selfish? That I only want things to go my way? It's either we do it my way, or we don't do anything at all?! First of all, I ask people to watch movies or go on trips, to hang out, or do whatever, based on how I enjoy their company. The first people I ask are those whose company I enjoy the most. For such simple matters, that's how I prioritize. If they say no, that's perfectly fine with me. It's not like I'm FORCING anyone to come with me, and it's not like I'll hold a grudge for something so trivial. I understand that people have different tastes, we can't possibly all like the same things. If one group of friends say no, it's no problem at all. I can ask A LOT of other people. Of course, the next group of people i ask are those whose company I also like, but not as much as the first group. I won't simply just ask anyone I know, even if those people would probably say yes. But yeah that has happened several times... it beats watching movies alone. hehe.

When I say no, why is it such a big deal? Heck, money isn't exactly overflowing these days. Is it a sin to only watch the movies that I really want to see? Yeah, I say no when I'm being ask to do something i don't really want to do, or to go where I don't want to go--- I wouldn't think anyone would harbor ill feelings because such trivial matters, but I understand how some people can get overly sensitive when they have been declined, even for the simplest things. i would say no, yeah... but did they ever try asking me again, in a different manner? Did they ever try to point out that it's not such a trivial matter to them? If one friend asks me to watch a movie I do not like, if a friend asked me to watch a movie i've seen several times, I would say yes if he or she told me that no one else could go with him or her, if he or she would say that he or she just wants my company, or if watching that movie is a big deal to him or her. I've done that many times. I've done a whole lot more for friends, it would be stupid to think I wouldn't do such simple things--- like watching a movie, going to the mall or bar, or just simply hanging out, for my friends... Unless of course, a great deal of cash would be involved. hehe. But if they would offer to shoulder some expenses, just enough for me not to burn a hole through my wallet, then I'd go with them, even to the ends of the world, without even a bit of hesitation. :)

******************

Oh yeah, as an afterthought... that same friend exclaimed that if only I cleaned up my act years ago, I wouldn't be so bitter about that failed relationship three years ago. One thing I am certain of, is the fact that I AM NO LONGER BITTER. I didn't even feel anything when she sent me a private message via Facebook a few days ago. Now what was that about cleaning up my act? WTF?!

Okay... honestly, i can no longer recall every single detail. Those events have transpired three years ago, and because of all the conscious suppression of memories that I have done, i may have missed a few things. Looking back at the past at this point in time may give me a better perspective. So yeah, I tried looking back. But after reading this single entry dated July 14, 2006:

She- Devil

I really have to say... what the f*ck?!