At A Price

I have to admit, I wasn't too excited about having a Toyota Altis instead of another Honda Civic to replace the car that I wrecked a few months ago. At first glance, it's not as eye catching as the Civic. The Civic screams innovation and youth, while the Altis--- because of the very few changes made through the years, it looks a bit dated...truth be told, it looks like a family car, a car your dad would drive. The fact that Orlando Bloom is endorsing it--- the epitome of uncool and everything BLAH these days, definitely isn't helping (what the hell was Toyota thinking, getting him as an endorser?!). But when the car was delivered two days ago... WHOA. It didn't look too bad at all. It looked great actually. I just had to bring it out for a test drive ASAP. LOL. Although I miss the futuristic design of the Civic, with its digital odometer and all, the Altis actually packs a lot more features underneath its conservative design.

Yesterday, my grandmother said that we should bring the car to church and ask the parish priest to have it blessed... to make the car "accident proof". O---kay... as if dousing the car with holy water can make it accident proof. So we brought the car to church, because saying NO would only lead to a string of never ending arguments. As expected, we had to pay a HEFTY sum first, before the priest would bless the car... because nothing is FREE these days, not even religious services. So much for the virtue of charity. I managed to keep a straight face as various religious quotes were spoken, even as the priest turned to me and included me in his prayer and blessing... but my eyes nearly popped when even the interiors were doused with holy water. Never mind if the water was probably unclean and it would most probably stain the seat covers... apparently holy water couldn't damage the electronic components in the dashboard simply because it was miraculous and therefore defied the laws of matter.

Contrasting religious beliefs aside (or lack thereof), at least I have a new car. I can pretend to be a devout catholic for a new car. No big deal. Going to work wouldn't be such a chore again. Say goodbye to the hassles of public transport--- Overcrowded buses and trains, taxi drivers who refuse to take you to your desired destination because it's out of their way. Every good thing has several strings attached, we just have to determine whether or not the benefits outweigh all the undesirable things that come with it.Having a car of my own is great... but at what price? The very moment my dad gave me the car keys, he reminded me that application for residency WHERE I USED TO WORK starts in July. I was a fool to believe that the issue has been settled. My new car wasn't just a gift. It was a BRIBE.

Looking back at my entries this time last year, I begin to wonder... Am I ready to go through all that all over again? Do I even want to? Is having a new car worth giving up the contentment and relative happiness that I seem to have now?

Saints and Sinners

I went out with a group of people last night, just harmless fun, drinking and dancing. Even though I didn't get to sleep at all the previous night because work at the hospital was unusually "toxic", I went straight to the club after taking a bath and having a late dinner. One of them was an extremely close friend that I rarely see, so when he asked if I had any plans for the night, I said I had none even though all I wanted to do was sleep. The dance floor was extremely crowded, and I didn't get to drink much because every drink was ridiculously overpriced. Still, I had some fun. I got home just before 6 in the morning. I didn't sleep immediately because I talked with another friend for about an hour or so. By the time I put the phone down, I was completely exhausted and fell asleep in an instant.

I guess it was around 3 PM when THE father was trying to wake me up. It was time to get up so I could get ready for church. UGH. I was so sleep deprived and I had a minor headache. I would rather stay in bed than to go to church, pretending I'm some devout catholic. I was not in the mood for pretensions...So I ignored him each time he tried to wake me up. When it was almost 5 PM, he shouted at me, his voice filled with the very familiar tone of anger. Insert the obligatory curse words between sentences. "What you're doing isn't good! You have been given a second chance at life", apparently alluding to the accident that happened a month ago. "That should have been a wake up call for you to change! Most of all, you should be very thankful to the Lord! And still, you choose to stay in bed instead of hearing mass! I hope you realize what you are doing and I hope you change your ways soon!" Then I heard him slam the door.

Jesus-freakin'-christ. Mr. hypocrite is at it again. Funny how he can talk of the Lord and yet insert cuss words in the same sentence. If only he kept talking for a few seconds longer, I would've made two points clear.

1) I do believe in the existence of a superior being, an entity we refer to as "God"... but I don't believe in the Catholic faith, or any other faith for that matter. Going to church every Sunday is just an exercise in pretension. A CHORE that I'm not really fond of doing. I just go with them so that I wouldn't upset my grandparents who are overly zealous and devout catholics.

2) I didn't die because the "Lord" saved me, or because he didn't want me to die at that time, for some unknown reason... That it wasn't my time yet, that dying then wasn't part of his plan for me. Oh please. I didn't die because the airbags didn't malfunction, because the the doors didn't jam, and because the impact was probably not that strong in the first place. If they purchased the lower end model of the car, the one with no airbags, specifically tailored for the budget conscious, I would probably be a goner. Some may argue that "God" made sure that the car didn't explode upon impact, that he made sure the doors didn't jam yadda yadda yadda. Or that the Lord whispered to my parents something like they should purchase the high end model for me when the car was bought a few months ago. That was not miracle at work. That's common sense. If you had the money, why on earth would you buy the model that lacked safety features?! And even, for the sake of argument, some superior being really did save me from death and gave me this second chance at life... as I've mentioned in a previous entry, I'm not really thankful for this second chance. It would've been perfectly fine if I had died.

They apparently left already, so I just slept again. I woke up at about an hour later, ate dinner, and then slept again. It was probably around 9PM when they got home. As expected, Mr. Hypocrite aka He-who-thinks-he's-some-supreme-being woke me up. With the same raised voice, still filled with anger but not as loud, he said, "You are already old enough to know the difference between what's right and wrong, I hope you realize that what you've done is very wrong, for your sake!"

UGH. What exactly did i do that was VERY WRONG? I didn't hear mass because I felt tired. Was that such a horrible act? Was that such a grave mortal sin, even worse than theft,rape, or murder? The problem in this predominantly catholic country, people are judged on the basis of their faith. One of my grandfather's general rules is that we should never miss mass. We should go to church on Sunday no matter what. He's such a devout catholic, when the basis is the number of times a person prays, the number of times a person goes to church. So what if most of the sentences coming out of his mouth are filled with cuss words? So what if he sneaks in prostitutes inside his room when he thinks everyone is already asleep? So what if he still watches his massive porn collection regularly at the age of 81? It doesn't matter because be prays regularly and confesses his sins regularly. Never mind the fact that once he gets out of that confession booth, he reverts back to his usual ways.

The problem is, our values and our worth as a person are judged on our allegiance to religion. Those who pray regularly are good people. Those who don't are evil. It's just black and white, there are no shades of grey. How many of those devout catholics steal, cheat, rape, murder? Some of them are priests and nuns for crying out loud, the so called leaders of the catholic church! So don't they dare teach us about morality! Don't they dare accuse others as sinners when they turn a blind eye when they see the demons within their ranks! I know a lot of agnostics and atheists who act better than those catholics. I even think of myself as generally "good", even when I don't have faith. I know the difference between right and wrong, and I always do what I think is right. My conscience is intact. Helping others seem to be second nature, and I never would want to hurt others intentionally. Some even say I am too good, even if they are aware of the dastardly acts that I have done. Even though my soul has been corrupted somewhat, they still describe me as a person who's soul is "pure". And yet in the eyes of my father and grandfather, I'm such a sinful person because I chose not to hear mass. All the good I have done, all the good that I am capable of doing is completely set aside. Because according to their faith, any person who does not believe in that faith will go straight to hell no matter how much good he has done in his life.

If heaven is going to be filled with such self righteous pricks, then maybe hell wouldn't be such a bad place to go to after all.

Holier Than Thou

There he goes again.

I've only begun going to church again for the past 2 Sundays. I know, i don't really like going to Church--- what's the use of attending a ceremony when I don't fully believe in the Catholic Faith. But even if I wanted to I simply didn't have time. On most Sundays during the past seven months I'm on duty at the hospital. And when I can go home on Sundays, all the churches are already closed.

I remember that one of the reason's why I grew tired of going to church was our parish priest--- the epitome of a corrupt, selfish man, using religion as an excuse for his motives. Last Sunday, he was at it again. Sometime during the past month, he ordered the whole altar to be torn down--- even if there was nothing wrong with it. It was only two years old, definitely far from decay. I even found it too beautiful--- grand... extravagant even, with it's shiny gold decor and various shiny ornaments. Man criticized him. What the heck was wrong with the previous altar?! And now he's asking all the parishioners for more money to build a new one? His excuse, which made up the most part of his homily, was so fuckin' flimsy, I would've raised my my hands and thrown expletives t him out of sheer disgust, if only my ultra conservative grandparents weren't around. He said it's his "mission" to keep on beautifying the altar. It's true, the previous altar, which HE DESIGNED (notice the self promotion there), was already beautiful. But he believed he can make it more beautiful for the Lord. Hence, the previous altar was torn down to make a new one. What a ton of Hogwash. What a load of Bullshit! It's so obvious the he probably profits from all the renovations he's doing, doing negotiations in secret with all those contractors. That's why there are always renovations going on in the church. It never tops. And just when there's nothing left to fix, let's just tear down something and replace it with a better looking one! Woo hoo! I wonder if the Lord approves such garish displays of wastefulness. Does he really want us to keep on beautifying the church to honor him, when the money can be put to better use--- say, buying food and clothing for the less fortunate parishioners around the area?!

Geez, and he keeps wondering why lesser and lesser people have been hearing mass at HIS church. Others have simply transferred to other churches, while some choose not to attend at all. They've been turned off by the selfishness and greed that are so rampant with the so called leaders of the Catholic church. And they have the nerve to point our every sins, and give sermons like we are on the verge of becoming outcasts. Christ, what hypocrites.

Mona Lisa Frown

I still haven't seen The Da Vinci code, and since no one has invited mo to watch the movie with them so far, I don't intend to. hehe. I've mentioned in a previous post that the movie has no appeal to me, no other particular reason. I'm not a member of the Opus Dei, nor am I a devout catholic. I'm aware of the controversies surrounding the movie, but no amount of controversies can make a seemingly dull movie appealing to me.

So maybe I'm not in a position to comment on the movie--- and i won't. (although critics have called both the book and the movie below average to average. They accused the fans as just people who have been caught up in all the hype) Instead, I'll comment on the people's behavior, particularly catholics. I'm not talking about those nuns, priests, bishops, and other die hard catholics who seek to ban the movie because they say it is an insult to their beliefs. I'm talking about ordinary catholics who surround me everyday, and a lot of them are fans of the book... and were first in line to see the movie.

First of all, I'm a catholic, but only because I was baptised before I was a year old. And yeah, I was a practicing catholic during my childhood and teen years--- i was enrolled in a catholic school after all. I prayed a lot, joined religious activities, completed the sacraments (at least those suited for my age), sang hymns, preached the good word to others--- all that. But then in college, I transferred to a state university, where there was no "official" religion. With no school authorities to "impose" catholic activities, with no religion classes to reinforce catholic values, and being exposed to Philosophy and to other people with different faith--- I guess the whole college experience was an eye opener, as least in terms of religion. After 4 years in college, I experienced a shift in my beliefs. I've witnessed several people argue that their religion is the right one. In each religion, there are different teachings, about who's the savior, with each religion having different prophets. It became tiring hearing all those people argue. On one hand, a group of people are saying their religion is the right one. On the other hand, another group with a different religion are saying the same things! Can't we all just get along?

I realized that with such arguments, no one can really win, because for as long as each person can remember, he or she has been taught certain beliefs that eventually become the foundation of their lives. This includes religion. No wonder the most brutal wars in history are fought over religion--- each one believes he is right, and he's willing to fight for that belief.

To make a long story short, I became an agnostic. Not an atheist! Those are two different things! I still believe that there is a God, that there is a superior being. How else can you explain the many mysteries in life? How else can you explain such order? Everything cannot be explained by chance alone. I've realized that with all different religions, there is a single superior being--- call him Allah, Yahweh, or by any other name. The common point in all faith is the belief in one God. And it is that common point which i believe in. For religions with multiple Gods, I think they are a collective, Gods with different traits united into a single superior power. The common point, therefore, is the belief in an entity superior to all men. The differences may be the work of men, conforming religion to suite their own wants and needs. I'm not saying that Christ and Mohammad are just myths. I believe they did exist, messengers of one God, but with different tools and approaches that resulted to the varied religions we have today. That's just my personal opinion, I'm not trying to pull in some converts. :)

Being an agnostic, I wonder why I seem to understand why the priests and nuns are so against the showing of The Da Vinci code, as opposed to the practicing catholics around me. I haven't read the book, but I know the central story, I know what it is all about. Granted, it is a work of fiction, and as adults, we should know how to differentiate reality from fantasy. That's the argument most fans of the book have--- they know it is just a work of fiction. But if that's really the case, how come a lot of those catholic readers admit that after reading the book, they became open to the possibility that the events told in the novel could probably be true? Many of them say they wondered about their faith after reading the book, even though they keep saying they know it is a work of fiction. But why entertain such thoughts at all? And in the first place, even if it is a work of fiction, Why read the book at all? why watch the movie? For curiosity? because of the controversy? It's not only a work of fiction, it is a mockery of Christianity. Doesn't reading the book mean support for the author? Isn't it like telling him "hey, it's okay for you to mock and bastardize my religious beliefs, as long as you say it's a work of fiction"? It can even be a precedent for other authors to capitalize on the issue. Controversy translates to money after all, and there are few things that are more controversial than attacking a religion.

Mockery is mockery. Slander is slander. Blasphemy is blasphemy. You can't sugar coat it in the pretense of a work of fiction. You can't just say you'd wish someone was dead, or write you'd murder someone then say it's okay since it's only in your imagination, or it's just something you wrote, it's just a part of an imaginary story in you mind, not something you'd really carry out. Brutal analogy, but exponentiate the former--- it's an analogy that makes sense nevertheless.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm only an agnostic on the outside, and deep down inside, I'm still the devout catholic from a few years back. And I wonder how can an agnostic understand why the religious leaders in the world are making such a fuss. I wonder why self professed catholics mock their own leaders, calling them overacting, paranoid, making mountains out of molehills, etc. etc. etc. Maybe I'm a better catholic than those practicing catholics after all.


Maybe.