The List

I've always kept a list of things I wanted to do before I die. Things I want to experience at least once in my life. Some of the things I've written on that list were simple. If I'd only exert a little effort i could cross them out immediately. But I've made that list years ago, back when i thought that someday, I would be living an ideal life. Someday, it would be easy to do all those things in my list. It was so easy to be optimistic when I was still young. I haven't encountered much of the harsh realities of life back then. It was so easy to dream. But as years went by, I began to realize that some of those things on my bucket list aren't really feasible at all. And as I've gone through different experiences in life, the list has evolved. Some things were added, some things were scrapped. One of those things that used to be on that list was to view the Earth from outer space. Even if I lived to be a hundred, i doubt if i could ever experience something like that in my lifetime. That's right, I was one very delusional teenager. haha.

My grandma used to have a bucket list too, although she never called it that. Some didn't require any effort from her at all. If time was on her side, all that she had to do was wait. One of the things that she kept saying again and again during the past few years was that she wanted to see all of us graduate from college. Once we have all graduated, her list was modified. She added other things. She wanted to live to see the day when my cousin would graduate from college, because she was the one paying for her education. And she told me she wanted to see the day when i'm finally stable financially. And she wanted to see the day when I got married and have a family of my own. When we all have families of our own. She wanted to see her great grandchildren. But time was no longer on her side. I don't know when those things would happen or if they would ever happen, but when that time comes, she's no longer here to see them.

Some of the things required some effort. She used to travel a lot during her younger years, but she had to stop that pastime of hers when the four of us started school. When we had finally graduated, she told me the places that she still wanted to see. But her health was no longer on her side when that time came. Traveling across the globe was no longer feasible. So she settled on that one place about a hundred miles away. That serene and allegedly holy place that she kept hearing about. She asked me and my brother to take her there, but for some reason, we never could find the time. I told her I'd finally take her there the last time she was confined at the ICU, but I knew she probably wouldn't be able to travel that far. When we took her home she told me to forget about it, she no longer wanted to go there. I had a feeling she still wanted to, but she knew that she couldn't. Her last request before she died was for me to take her to the mausoleum that was being built for them. She just wanted to see what it looked like, even though she had no idea that she was going to die two days later. My grandpa made the same request to me, since i was the person mostly at their side during their last few days. I was just waiting for them to get a little bit stronger, to get a little bit better so that they could be fit enough for traveling a short distance. Their situations only got worse instead. I made the same promise to both of them, a promise that i never kept. That was probably the only thing left in their bucket list. They asked me for help, and i failed to deliver. Like so many other things that happened last year, things that were probably predetermined by fate... I still couldn't help but feel that i was partially at fault.

They say that we should live each day as if it is our last. I have my bucket list saved on my laptop. I was looking at it a few minutes ago. If I was going to die tomorrow, next week, or the next few months, there's no way i could possibly do most of the things on that list. And i don't want to die without getting to do at least half of the twenty things I have listed. I've managed to cross out some of the things already. I've learned how to surf. I'm no pro, but I can ride a wave easily using a longboard. I've learned how to play the guitar. I'm no expert, but I can already play those songs with simple chords. See Green Day perform live--- I've done that last year. Travel to California--- I've done that thrice already. Give a substantial amount to charity--- I've done that two years ago. Save a life on my own--- I've done that many, many times. But the other things? Go on an Amazon River cruise. Have my picture taken in front of the great pyramids of Egypt. Good luck with those two. Go Skydiving? I don't think i could afford that in the near future. See Avenged Sevenfold and Slipknot live.... I've already seen two of my favorite bands perform live so i could probably scrap those other two off the list. Besides, I already have DVDs of their live concerts, and I could watch those DVDs again and again. Have a son and name him Connor--- oh boy. I've tried taking care of a baby a few months ago, and there's no way i'm ready to have kids of my own in the near future. LOL. So instead i'm putting other things. Things that are feasible. Things that I can do at this point in my life. Instead of skydiving, I can just try wakeboarding. And mountain climbing. Instead of traveling to other continents, there's still this one place a few hundred miles away that i can probably visit within the next few months. There's no use creating a bucket list if it would take so many years to cross everything out. Better to just keep things simple, to keep things attainable. If both time and luck are on my side, and if opportunity would permit me to try and do greater things in the future, then I would just modify my list again. If this year is going to be my last, i'd rather go out knowing that i've done most of the things i've wanted to do in my life. I don't want to die with the realization that I haven't lived my life to the fullest... that the life that I have lived for 30 long years was and still is incomplete.