Relieved

Here's the thing. Three years ago, after I resigned from work, i was sort of a drifter. My life had no direction, I just went with the flow. I did a lot of stupid things. I was so damn careless, and I didn't give a shit about the consequences of my actions. When I finally came to my senses, I became paranoid. i realized how stupid i was. I started thinking about repercussions... and I wondered if I could still undo those certain things, or maybe it was already too late to change things. That's almost three years of paranoia. These symptoms that I've been having for the past few months only aggravated that paranoia. Fact is, I'm having problems with my health, and this could be the result of the stupid things I have done in the past. All these symptoms seem to point to something benign, but i can't help but think of other possibilities. I can't help but think about the worst case scenario. A few hours ago, I finally took the plunge. I didn't know how I would react when I finally see the results, but i just took that leap of faith and hoped for the best.

Thank God.

Only safe sex from now on, I swear.

Just Deserts

I was surfing the net, reading news from around the world like I always do when I've got nothing better to do. And then I stumbled upon an article, about how Bangkok has gone from its past state of robust economic growth, into its present state of chaos and anarchy.

Looking at the timeline, it's amazing how things could change so much in just a few years. Street demonstrations have become so commonplace, that the whole exercise looks so pathetic and tiresome already. Everyone in the country looks so pathetic. They are not getting any sympathy from the international community. They've become objects of ridicule. Outsiders look at them with amusement, contempt, or disdain.

Rallies are a great way for the people to be heard, but when the people hold such demonstrations that often, with conditions that they wouldn't stop until their demands are met--- they act like spoiled brats, who throw hissy fits with even the slightest provocation whenever they do not get what they want. You don't like the current leader? Demand that he resign. You still don't like his replacement? Let's demand that he resign too. And if you still don't like the one who would replace that replacement? Hey, might as well demand that he step down also.

And that's the thing. They live in a democracy, right? And when they voted for these people in the government, those were the people that majority of the population wanted at that time, right? But when the rotten side of those politicians begin to show, they quickly forget that they are the ones who voted for those politicians in the first place.

These people do not have the right to complain. If things do not turn out the way they have hoped, then they should just DEAL WITH IT. Very few promises ever come true, plans don't always push through, and things rarely turn out the way we hope. Maybe if they used even half of their brains when they voted, maybe things could have turned out better... who knows? To keep on complaining about something that they are partly responsible for is a telltale sign of immaturity. These people should learn to grow up. Sure, things didn't turn out all fine and dandy. Well then, tough luck. They should just take that bitter pill and swallow it, and try to strive for change when the next opportunity comes along--- that is, if they're the type of people who learn from their past mistakes. But for now, they should just learn to live with the repercussions of their stupid decisions. They should take responsibility for their actions. After all, they're not being punished for something that they weren't partially responsible for. They're simply getting exactly what they deserve.

The Sick Cycle

The carnival has started. In fact, it has already reached fever pitch.

I’m not really a fan of elections in this country. It all seems so pointless. It’s nothing but an exercise in futility. Because no matter who wins, nothing changes. People keep making the same mistakes, they keep on making the same stupid decisions. People don't use their heads when they cast their votes, they are easily swayed by emotions. They are easily swayed by the popular sentiment. Their emotions cloud their capabilities for logical thinking, that they often think they are making the right choices--- to the extent that they would fight for these choices with such conviction. And then after a few years, people keep on blaming each other, even though they are part of the blame themselves. It’s funny when you think about it. In fact, I would be laughing out loud if the consequences weren’t so depressing.

Fine. We can blame the masses. Most of them are uneducated and since they make up the majority, they can dictate the outcome of elections. To solve this problem, we should educate the masses, that’s what they say. But with the mess that this country’s educational system is in, all I can say is good luck with that. As long as they are uneducated, we can’t really blame them for making stupid decisions. What pisses me of more are so the so called educated people. They keep on blaming the masses when they themselves keep on making the same stupid decisions. They keep on voting for the wrong people. What’s the use of all that education when they can’t even use a bit of common sense.

Take one leading candidate for example. He has gained a lot of support from the educated and the elite. For the life of me, I can never understand how anyone who’s even using half a brain could support such a candidate. He has a long political history, I’ll give him that--- but he has done close to nothing despite that long political history, and that’s just so pathetic. Arguably, he may not be corrupt, he may be honest--- but is that the sole criteria for choosing someone to lead our country? He lacks the necessary skills to properly lead a nation of millions. Heck, he can’t even stand up for himself. Up until now, every word that comes out of his mouth obviously came from someone else’s. And the reasons that I hear from my peers just leave me dumbfounded. These are doctors, lawyers, businessmen--- they are all educated. Yet the reasons they give for supporting such candidates just leave me scratching my head.

I asked my friends out of curiosity why they are supporting a certain candidate. The most frequent reason--- he has integrity. He’s honest. He’s not corrupt. I doubt that anyone can say for certain that he’s not capable of corruption, but for the sake of argument, lets say he isn’t. Is integrity the sole factor for choosing the right candidate? Shouldn’t he have leadership skills? Shouldn’t he possess intellect as well? Watching the presidential debates would be enough to see how incapable he is, yet most people choose to turn a blind eye. Can’t we choose someone who has both the necessary skills as well as integrity? If you’re going to say that there’s no such candidate, then I urge you to please look again. If you still can’t see that there are such candidates, then I’m sorry to say that’s there’s no hope for your stupidity. What’s the use of all that education when you’re not even using the things you have learned.

Another stupid argument I hear from the “educated”? They have grown tired of intelligent leaders. We’ve already had intelligent and capable leaders in the past, and look at where they have brought us. Of course there are other factors to be considered. Many factors have brought us to where we are now, we can’t just blame it on our capable leaders. I can say that given our situation, they’ve probably handled it the best way they can. Can these people imagine our condition if some of our past leaders weren’t as capable? Well, I guess they can’t imagine such a scenario, they lack the necessary brain power to visualize hypothetical scenarios. After all, they’re saying that integrity alone can make us soar higher.

Some even say that they won’t vote for an intelligent and capable candidate because our present leader is intelligent and capable yet that leader is very corrupt. Way to go! I find it remarkable that adults can think as such. I thought only children generalize. All intelligent people are corrupt. Then I guess all people with integrity are stupid. With such narrow minded reasoning, it’s no wonder these people are supporting whoever it is they are supporting.

The other frequent reason that I hear? Because his parents are considered heroes. They were great leaders. They were people of integrity. Even a kid who is only in third grade knows that such traits aren’t inheritable. Children can be very different from their parents. And again, anyone with half a brain can recognize that he is far from his parents. I just can’t help but wonder why people fail to recognize the stupidity of such line of thinking.

Another reason? He’s the lesser of two evils. Whoever said that there are only two choices? The problem is, even the educated people are swayed by surveys. Sure these surveys have a scientific basis, but we can never be really sure of their accuracy. And let’s admit that sometimes they can be used as a tool for mind conditioning. Still, most people just look at the leading candidates, and then choose between them. As I have mentioned above, the uneducated can greatly influence votes, so it’s no wonder the leading candidates are always those who lack the necessary skills. They just make up for it with charisma, eloquent words, with flashy ads, with celebrity endorsements--- the stuff that the uneducated go for. They keep on saying stuff that the masses want to hear, who cares if these are empty promises, who cares if what they are saying are downright lies. That’s what it takes to win, and the masses are buying it. It’s always like this. And then years after, the elite would bitch and complain, forgetting the fact that years ago they voted for the very same candidates that they are loathing now. Because he or she was the lesser evil. Why are the educated being influenced by the uneducated? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? We don’t have to choose between two evils since there are better candidates who deserve our support. If only the educated would vote for the deserving candidates even though all surveys show that they are unlikely to win--- who knows? Maybe sufficient votes would be reached, giving those deserving candidates a shot. But alas, most people don’t want to take such risks. They don’t want to waste their votes on a losing candidate. With the way the uneducated people keep influencing the votes of the educated, then it’s no wonder that this country is as fucked up as it is. It’s a vicious cycle, and the end is nowhere in sight. The masses keep on making stupid choices. And the so called intelligent people keep on making decisions that are just as stupid. What’s worse, their pride and arrogance prevent them from seeing how stupid their choices are. They are educated, so they are making the right choices. Some of them know how faulty their arguments are, they realize how stupid their decisions are, yet they still make such decisions for whatever selfish reasons that they have. That’s even worse. As long as the educated keep their brains in its present state of dormancy, then there’s just no hope for this god forsaken country.

A Pointless War

Finally. I've overcome my addiction to Rock Legends on Facebook. I've reached the point where I could no longer move forward. Recruiting more powerful band members have become too expensive... and after seeing my credit card bill last month, there's no way I'm buying more "street cred" just so I can have some instant virtual cash. I still tinker with the game every now and then, just to increase my "fame" and therefore allowing me to still level up, but at a snail's pace. But I no longer have the urge to keep playing the game all day. I just play the game when I'm really bored. That's certainly a good thing.

Speaking of Facebook games, if you have a Facebook account, I'm sure you've noticed this game called "Mafia Wars". It seems to be the most popular game on Facebook, and with all the non stop invites I keep getting from friends every day, I finally installed it, just to see what all the fuss was about.

Whoa!

...

What an incredibly boring, totally pointless game.

In a nutshell--- It's a text based role playing game. Wherein you build your own Mafia. It reminds me of those text based PC games from the late 80s to early 90s, back when computers didn't have enough power to wow us with their graphical capabilities. You do some jobs to earn money, and you fight with other people--- with the outcome being shown in plain text. I just don't understand why a lot of people are addicted to this game.Yeah, I know, graphics and animation can't make a bad game good, but they do add to the overall appeal. And personally, if i want to see some text just to entertain myself, I'd rather read a good book than to play a text based game. Honestly, the only way I can see myself getting addicted to Mafia Wars is if I had nothing better to do in my life... and I'd have to be such a big loser if I had nothing better to do than to spend many hours each day playing this stupid game. What's the purpose exactly? You just keep leveling up, with no specific endpoint. The developer (Zynga) has other games based on the same template. That's right, EXACTLY the same template, just differing in theme. Vampire wars--- I guess that would attract the goths and the nauseating Twilight crowd... that would explain why that game is relatively popular. I can also understand how the Pirates game has earned some following. Street Racing---I find that more interesting because I like fast cars, so I don't mind playing through the boring interface. but Mafia Wars? What's the big deal? Why is it the most popular? Does this mean that a lot of people have a secret desire to build Mafias and disobey the law, and they can only fulfill that dream in a virtual world, hence the extreme popularity of this game? I know that a lot of my friends who have been playing this game aren't even remotely interested in Mobs or Mafias... so why the heck is it so damn popular?

And you know what's pathetic? How a lot of people have been adding people they don't know just so they can increase the size of their Mafias. The bigger your Mafia, the greater chance you'll have in winning fights. You can't add people who aren't in your friends list, so a lot of groups have been made where people basically put their urls and their email addresses, asking other people to add them as friends so that they can increase their Mafia. WTF?! You don't just give away pertinent information about yourself to random strangers on the street... how come some people think it's okay to do that in a virtual world? It's basically the same thing! It's okay if you have nothing in your profile, but a lot of people have contact informations, several not so public photos, plus a lot of private stuff in their profiles. I just can't understand the stupidity of these people, how they are voluntarily exposing themselves to possible predators just so they can have an edge in this stupid game. One of my friends even added more than a thousand strangers to his friends list, just so he can increase the size of his Mafia. One of my female friends was ranting the other day that one of the guys that she added in her Mafia kept on harassing her via email, even when she already deleted him in her friends list. I can't say I pity her. After all, it's all her fault.

Also----! All those stupid updates are cluttering up the news feed! People asking for loot every now and then, making them seem like beggars. People proclaiming that they've gotten some award, that they've found a rare item, that they've beaten the shit out of someone, that they've won a fight with your help, that they played the lottery... Jesus Christ... who the fuck cares?! Along with the results from those stupid quizzes, they have been flooding the news feed with useless information, making us miss posts from friends that we actually care about. (those quizzes deserve a post of their own. Which philosopher are you... When will you die... what color are you... which greek god are you... what is the first letter of the name of the person you'll fall in love with... seriously?! people waste their time for such crap?! Those quizzes are so stupid! It would be okay if they were at least even a wee bit amusing as well as stupid... but most of those quizzes are just plain stupid.)

I'm currently at level 50, and honestly... I find that embarrassing. I'm not even really playing the game, I'm just tinkering with it every now and then... but how would that look for someone who just checked out the game? They'd mistake me for someone who's addicted to something so pathetic. I don't have much work these days, but if I had a lot to do, I definitely won't have time for this. I'd rather use the free time I have for something more productive... or at least more enjoyable. People actually derive pleasure from this game?! I can't possibly imagine the lives that those people above level 100 are living. I even saw one of my friends at level 355. Yeesh. I can't believe that the developers have made tons of money from this crap. Before others associate me with these Mafia addicts, I guess it's time to finally use the hide feature and be rid of this stupid game for good.

I should have done that ages ago.

Scientology = Stupidity

I never thought I'd judge a religion I know little of... heck, I thought I'd never judge other religions at all, with my belief that all religions are man-made, we believe in the same superior being, all differences just stem from the differences in each man's way of thinking... but from what I've been hearing about scientology--- I'm sorry to say this, especially to its devout followers out there... but I think the whole thing is pretty stupid.

Some core beliefs are similar to other religions. Like the idea of spiritual cleansing, which seems to be a universal theme. The idea of reincarnation is also present in other religions, but the belief that we lived on other planets during our past lives is literally out of this world. So does the belief that aliens implanted certain thoughts in our head. Silent birth and discouraging breastfeeding? for a medical practitioner, that really sounds kookoo. That "barley" formula made to replace breastfeeding is actually hazardous to a infant's health. For a medical practitioner, their beliefs against psychiatry have no merit either. For people who know better, those who believe in scientology sound like raving lunatics. Disconnection policies and imposing restrictions on members? Accounts of hypnotism? Those are things you'd expect from a cult, not from a religion.

And if all those information are still not enough to convince anyone with at least half a brain that scientology is nothing but a pseudoreligion, I've just read an article describing their wedding ceremonies:

Scientology's "traditional ceremony" includes such advice to the groom as
"Now -----, girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan,
a comb, perhaps a cat. All caprice if you will, but still they need them."

The bride is told: "Hear well, sweet -----, for promise binds. Young
men are free and may forget. Remind him that you may have necessities and
follies, too."

I had to keep myself from laughing out loud. Honestly, I thought the whole article was a joke. How can something that sounds so silly actually be for real? Are they really serious? For anyone with common sense, to think of scientology as an actual religion is a joke. The fact that it has gained a lot of followers is an even bigger joke. Anyone who's gullible enough to believe such bullsh*t must be really really really really stupid.

Stupefied

I just took the entrance exam for residency training in surgery at PGH this morning. I'm not getting my hopes up. The exam was hard (or maybe because I didn't prepare for it?), and I saw a lot of applicants who are more intelligent than I am. Goodbye PGH, hello hospitals wherein only mediocre physicians apply! Years ago, I would have been confident, but presently, I've lost a lot of that confidence.

Way back in high school, I was what some would call a nerd. I wasn't associated with that word initially. During my freshman and sophomore years, although I was at the top of the class, I was never called a nerd. Sure, my classmates would always come to me first for help with academic stuff, but on other aspects, I was treated as their equal. Then on my junior year, when I became part of the honor's class, the word nerd became associated with me, as if it was some sort of stigma given to people who are part of that class. My past friends and classmates bgan to treat me differently, although I was the same person. We were treated as the others. For those who don't know me personally, since they know that I'm part of the honor's class, I was a nerd--- though people close to me know that I'm far from the stereotypical image associated with that word. The image stuck as I moved up in rank, until I was part of the top ten of the whole batch. I guess that boosted my confidence, that anything acamdemic would be a piece of cake. The fact that those IQ tests given yearly show that I have a superior IQ further made me confident. High school academics, for me, was a breeze. i got accepted in all universities that I applied. I was accepted in my choice of courses for each university, and I expected that. One university even kept on calling me to tranfer to their school a month after the school year has started. That was one ego boost.

I don't practice ideal study habits, really. For as long as I can remember, I have always been a crammer. I usually study the night before an exam--- 2 nights before would be a maximum. But I guess I had no choice back in high school since we have quizzes every other day. And when the finals came, I won't really be cramming even when i study only the night before, since I have already read the topics at least once.

In college, I still had high grades during the first two years. But when i reached third year, I grew tired of it all. I began to see the course I was taking as something boring. I thought there was more to life than grades. I joined a lot of organizations, I went to a lot of parties, i drank a lot--- I seem to be living life to the fullest. I prioritized other things. The fact that a number of people thought of me as part of the "cool" group, and that I looked good made me glad. No one saw me as a nerd, i seem to have shaken off that image in this new place. Some people even though of me as stupid, but I didn't care. I thought being perceived as stupid was better than being perceived as a nerd. yeah, my grades suffered. I seem to be contented by just getting passing grades. I would always tell myself that it doesn't matter if I only have passing grades, I'm still studying at the top university in the country. There's this mentality that an average student in that university would be a top student at other schools since academics are much more difficult. I believed in that false mentality, and I succumbed to mediocrity. Still, I didn't care. The fact that cramming was not as effective hurt my grades too. In high school, I have studied the topics already before I take the finals because of all those quizzes. In college, frequently there are only final exams, so I get to read the topics only once. And with such short term memory, I forgot easily.

But my grades during the first two years pulled my average up. Especially in math... thank God fo that subject. I didn't even have to study and I can get perfect scores, while may people found it difficult. I wonder if I should have chosen that field, so I would be doing something I'm good at--- I would be proud of my work. With what i'm doing now, I seem so... mediocre.

I got accepted at all the medical schools that i applied to, except for one. It was understandable. They accept only few students at that med school, and I expected a lot of students would have higher grades than me with the way I screwed up my last two years in college. But I was still proud that my grades were high enough that I made it to the interview. I found comfort in the thought that if I only studied harder, I would surely get accepted. In the other med schools though, I was accepted with no problems. I was on the initial list of accepted applicants, not in wait lists.

The curriculum was problem based, which made me even more lax. There was so much free time--- free time that i'd rather spend doing anything else but to study.I still studied for an exam the night before, but with such a wide coverage for each exam, frequently I don't finish my readings. It's therefore amazing that I never failed an exam. I was proud of that fact, owing it to testmanship. i found solace with the thought that if I really studied, I would surely get high grades--- and I did, during those few modules that I found interesting, so I really studied. Most modules, however, were a big bore for me.

During internship, the big blow to my ego happened when I failed the oral exam on the first try, which seemed really simple that I never expected it. Then I had a really low grade during the final exam in medicine--- my score was on the bottom 10%! I never experienced getting such a low grade, even when I'm not studying! That was my first reality check. Maybe I wasn't as bright as i thought I was... or at least not as bright as before. i used to believe that I was still intelligent, i just wasn't studying enough. I believed that if I studied, I would still excel. But at times, I did study hard, but I still can't achieve what I have achieved before. It seems that with years of misuse and disuse, my brain has failed me and I have actually become stupid.

This week, I found out that I had a really low grade in the Board Exams. Yeah I know it doesn't matter what the grade is, what matters is that I passed--- but I can't help but feel a bit down. I almost failed, for crying out loud! okay, i'm exaggerating. But the fact remains that it's really a low score. Some have said that it's not a low score, but it's a low score for me because i'm not used to getting such grades. I don't care about grades of other people, I just compare my grades to myself--- my past self to be exact. Even though I was really scared before the results came out, because I found several portions very hard, and I wasn't fully prepared... i was still pretty sure that i would pass, because the final grade would be based on percentiles, and so far, with the law of averages, I would almost always manage to get an above average score. In the past, even if at times I never got to study, I never failed an exam --- maybe because I had enough stock knowledge. I have always been bound by the illusion that even without much effort, I can get higher grades than most. I could say i wasn't really prepared because I didn't really finish my readings during my review for the boards, but i know that reason won't suffice. What was really needed in answering the board exam questions is a great amount of stock knowledge. I was accepted in all the top universities in the country even if I didn't study for those entrance exams because I had a great deal of knowledge in stock. I can say the same when I took the national medical admission test. Because I had a great deal of stock knowledge, I reached the 98th percentile even if I did not study for it, and even if I didn't finish answering one portion. But with the haphazard studying I did in med school, no wonder I had limited stock knowledge now. I simply studied the night before, using short term memory for each exam, and forgetting all the knowledge afterwards. I seemed to have retained only the common concepts that were reiterated again and again so it stuck. With such limited stock knowledge, i wonder if I can be a good doctor. As of now, I seem to be very unprepared for this profession. I'm afraid to deal with patients on my own, for i would probably screw up. I'm in a profession where i'm not that good at, where I seem to be mediocre at best. At times, I wonder if I should have chosen a profession where I can use my skills in math. I may find the work boring, but I would be doing an excellent job. Now it seems even that skill has gone rusty. I find math problems difficult now, and i can't seem to recall and comprehend certain concepts, probably because of all these years of not using my skills in math. Now it seems that I'm not good at anything. Average at most, to being mediocre. What a downer.

Come to think of it, I'd rather be seen as a nerd who's uncool, than to be seen as someone who's cool but stupid. I wish I could turn back time. How wrong i was back then.

One shouldn't be ashamed when one is called a nerd--- one should take it as a compliment.

Being called a nerd is something to be proud of.

Alcohol = Aphrodisiac

Just like the horrible incident a few nights back (check out one of my previous entries), a lot of those nights I'd rather forget had me under the influence of alcohol. And okay, based on the title of this entry--- yes, those incidents are indeed, er--- sexual.

Take my first sexual experience--- if you'd consider a person's first oral sex experience his first sexual experience. It was the first time I got a taste of alcohol. I was drinking with people (ok...relatives) several years older than me, because I guess they thought it would be fun to get a kid drunk. I was 12 at that time, almost 13. So i guess you'd consider me a teen. With just a small amount, I got really drunk. I went to the bathroom to pee, door was unlocked so I went inside, turns out someone was already inside, sitting on the toilet peeing. When she stood up I kneeled on the floor and did the unthinkable. I guess she was drunk also, because she just let me do that sloppy unthinkable. What a way to end my baptism to alcohol. Woo-hoo. The act wasn't so bad actually. It's who I did it to, that's what makes me shiver. It's funny when I saw her after many years, the first thing she told me was I was looking better and better. um, ok... not in the mood to reminisce? hehe.

Now let me tell you abou my first real sexual experience. I was drunk again, and then this relatively hot girl (or maybe she just looked hot because of the alcohol) approached me, with an odd proposition. TO be in a THREESOME. I got excited immediately. Then she continued---- threesome with my boyfriend--- err. um, no thanks! I can't imagine myself in bed with another guy! But she was very persistent, that she really liked me, she assured me the guy is straight, they just wanted to experiment because they're both drunk, willing to explore, looking for ways to spice up the relationship, yadda yadda yadda.... And i was drunk, so I had less inhibitions, plus the thought of being in a threesome with another guy didn't look so bad after a while. And he really did look straight. And I looked better, so I thought I could do more with the girl. hehe. And besides, That's the scenario in a lot of porn films, 2 guys and a girl... hey, it's like being in a porn video! I think it's a secret desire of all guys to star in porn, maybe thats why a lot of guys want to videotape their sexual encounters, to see how they look on film. hehe. So after an hour or so, I eventually agreed. Yeah it felt good, everything was going smoothly, like a well rehearsed scene in a porn vid, until the guy tried to lick my neck. yeeeuck!....or maybe not. That shook me up a bit. I just moved away, maybe he just got caught up in the moment, that he wanted to lick his girl's body someplace, made a minor miscalculation of where to lick because the lights were dim--- I tried to justify what he did. He didn't try to do it again at least for awhile, so the show moved on. then suddenly, out of the blue--- the F#CKER tried to KISS ME! no mistakes there! He was definitely aiming for my mouth! EEEEWWW!!!! MOTHERF#CKING GRRROSSSSS!!!! GEEEZ!!!! THat got me out of my intoxication like being hit hard in the head! I got out of the bed, quickly got dressed, and ran out. I was f*cking duped! He must be some fag who connived a female friend to trap some guy---- ok, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. At least from that experience, I became 100% sure that I really can't do the deed with another guy--- even when I'm under the influence of alcohol. hehe.

Come to think of it, many of my sexual encounters were done while I'm under the influence. Be it one night stands with ladies I've met at bars, fooling around with past girlfriends...Sometimes I wonder If I need it in order to er--- perform well. My recent sex life is usually boring---It seemed so generic, so bland. Honestly, I seem to have more satisfaction when I go at it alone. Every real life encounter seems the same, while in my imagination, every encounter is varied LOL. I guess because my sexual life in my younger years have been more colorful and different--- as you can see with the two encounters I've mentioned. hehe. Maybe that's why my recent encounters seem to have no spice at all...

Okay---- I better stop posting entries like this. That's 2 posts about my sex life already. I don't want this to turn into a sex blog...at least I don't want it to be known for that. Ah, thank God for anonimity :) hehe.


I'd better start thinking of wholesome life experiences to post...

sex, lies, and...

Last night was a total wreck, one of those nights i'd rather forget...

I was on my way home from an incredibly boring party. The place was fine, and so was the music... I just didn't feel like I belonged with the crowd. I was still in the mood for some fun, but most of my friends wanted to go home instead of going someplace else. Heard Embassy was the place to be on wednesdays, but no one was in the mood. Figured I'd do some joy riding since I didn't want to go home yet. Driving with no particular destination can be so relaxing. Found my way in makati, thought I'd do something I've never done before--- go inside a bar, alone.

So there I was at the bar, sitting alone, ordered a few beers, listening to music, when suddenly, this hot chick appeared out of nowhere, asking if I was alone too. Yeah she looked hot, dressed in a skanky attire, just the way I want it when I'm in a "playful" mood. Since I was a bit lonely that night---- driving alone put me in a pensive mood, been thinking about the mess that was my life for the past few months--- I fugured I could use some company. Small talk at first, what do you do for a living, where are you from... all that shit. But when the question became why are you alone--- I guess i poured my heart out. Opening up to a stranger can make you feel better at times, and the fact that he or she doesn't know much about you can make it easier to open up. I talked about my previous miserable relationship, how I absolutely despised my ex, family problems, how my life seemed to be going nowhere, that I'm stucked in a profession that I don't really seem to want... And she poured her heart out as well. A child out of wedlock, the father was an asshole who beat her up, and now nowhere to be found. Her sick mother with a heart ailment, and how expensive the medications were that she keeps missing doses. Add the fact that she's the sole breadwinner of the family because she's the eldest--- my life seemed to be a vacation compared to hers. A few more beers put me in the mood for something more, and I guess it put her in the same mood as well. Went to a relatively cheap motel. talked for a while, hugging, embracing, kissing... did the deed, which was almost perfect, then took a bath. After two hours, I was about to call room service to inform them we're checking out of the room. then out of the blue---

She asked to be paid. What the f*ck--?! This chick is a damn prostitute! She's not just some skank in a skank attire, she's a skank for hire! Not that I detest these people. In my curious teen years, I've had some experiences with them along with my friends. It's just that she caught me off guard! why didn't she tell me in the first place?! With a few more beers I would probably have gone with her--- PROBABLY. probably not... And she was asking for a lot. A whopping 5000 bucks! that's a lot for someone like me who has no more allowance since he's already graduated, but currently still unemployed. I refused to pay her. TOld her she came with me willingly. and besides, she came under false pretenses. If she wanted to be paid, she should have told me in the first place. The way things went, she came with me voluntarily. Then she was screaming like an insane person, that I tricked her, that she would destroy furniture, break thr TV, make a scene downstairs, bring me to the police station to see who suffered injustice, that she doesn't mind the shame since she's used to it, that she didn't mind getting jailed, yadda yadda yadda. I wanted to beat herup for tricking me, but I didn't wantto get jailed for that. I felt trapped! I didn't want to make a scene, I didn't want to cause a commotion and I hate being talked about! Being part of rumors seem to be an inherent part of my life! I don't want more rumors! And I'd hate it if my parents found out that I picked up a random prostitute and brought her to a seedy motel--- at least that's the impression they'll get. So I gave in. I pleaded. Showed her my wallet. Just 4000 bucks. minus 500 for the room. I can only give her 3500, and that's all I have. She told me she'll go with me to my house so i can get more money. If I don't have money, she'll tell my parents what happened. She's making my blood boil. Told her NO WAY! Then the bitch said if i didn't want my parents to find out, she'll get my watch instead. Told her no F*cking way! If she'll insist, my fear of making a scene would have dissipated, I was getting angry! REALLY ANGRY! I was about to beat her up! And I guess she got that. After a few more minutes of bargaining, she agreed. Dropped her off at a nearby bus station. God, I wanted to shoot her! or push her out of my car! But I thought, what If her story was true, her sick mother, her child, her poor family---- I guess the thought that those things might be true kept me sane. So what If 3500 bucks was practically stolen from me? That's almost nothing compared to the needs of that poor family. Of course, she was probably lying about it, some script she's been using for months, maybe years, to get pity. Yeah, I'm aware of that. But believing that the things she said were true gave me some degree of comfort. After all, poverty is the main reason people like her are driven to their profession, right? Bah, Now I'm thinking I was charitable. And i have to admit, It felt good. Might as well think it was money well spent.

God, what a miserable night.

Friendship is Relative

Don't you think is sucks, when friendship can be set aside so quickly, no matter how strong the foundation is? i used to have this close friend, who incidentally is the best friend of my ex girlfriend. funny how she would always hate me everytime my ex and I fought. She always took the side of her best friend, and now that the relationship is over, it seems that she hates me even more. What makes me feel even worse is, she's basing her hatred on the lies her best friend told her--- that I said this and that, that i did this and that... the least she could do was ask for my side of the story first before hating me. I think she owes me that at least, for the sake of our friendship.

I find that funny. When two of my friends fight, i don't just take the side of the one I'm closer to. i try my best to be the mediator, or at least stay neutral when things seem impossible to fix. I can't just hate a friend who hasn't done anything to hurt me, just because he or she did something to a friend I'm closer to. Maybe if that soemone was a complete stranger,but not someone I consider a friend. Maybe that's just me--- it would be foolish for me to expect every other person to behave the same way.

sometimes I wish i could turn back time, back when i wasn't involved with her best friend, back when we still enjoyed each other's company. then again, if she can set aside our friendship just like that, friends like her i can live without.