The Social Experiment

It started out as a prank. We just wanted to prove a point--- that one of our friends just keep on adding friends in Facebook, even people he doesn't know personally, for whatever reason... i dunno... maybe to bloat his friends list, to get to know a lot of people, or maybe to create a false impression of popularity. Or maybe he's just too nice that he can't possibly reject a friend request from another person online. We never meant to do any harm. We just did it for fun.

So that the account wouldn't look suspicious, I had to add random people. I figured that at least 10 people would add strangers to their accounts. That would be enough for the account that we have created to look legitimate. The exact number? I figured that I had to add more than a hundred. The more people I send requests to, the more chances to gain "friends". I sent 120 invites to be exact. 60 men, and 60 women. After a few days, as more and more people accepted our requests, it turned out to be an amusing social experiment. Sure, we only had a small sample size, so the results may not be similar when done on a larger scale, but still--- our findings do provide a glimpse onto the human psyche. So what were the results?

Surprisingly, more than half accepted our friend request. What could that mean? It could mean that a lot of people like having lots of people in their friends lists. Maybe they just love meeting different people. Maybe they love the false sense of popularity that they get from a bloated friends list. or maybe there's just a lot of lonely people in the world.

More men accepted our friend requests. I guess women tend to be more suspicious when it comes to strangers adding them. That makes sense. After all, women are more prone to be the targets of sexual predators than men.

Personally, i was surprised when i added some people i knew personally, and they accepted our friend requests. Let's just say that i never would have though that these friends of mine would accept a friend request from a total stranger. LOL.

But what surprised me the most was the fact that none of these people were using the extensive privacy settings that were available on Facebook. It's one thing to accept a friend request, but to reveal a lot of your personal information to a complete stranger? It's good for them that i do not mean any harm. But what if my goal was to commit online fraud? or what if I was a sexual predator looking for possible victims? There sure are a lot of gullible people out there, and I just can't fathom how people can trust complete strangers with their personal information. Christ, i have access to all their pictures. I can see their email addresses, complete mailing addresses, and telephone numbers. Crimes committed online and sexual predators using social networking sites are all over the news, I was really surprised at how people can be so trusting.

On a lighter note... I guess if your goal is to make new friends, pick a cool looking profile picture. Even something as simple as a silhouette of a person doing an extreme sport like skydiving, snow boarding, or surfing can make you go far--- that can make your profile look cool and attractive, and more people are bound to accept. LOL.

Now what about our original goal? In that regard, our social experiment was a failure. Our friend just kept ignoring our friend request. Either he suspects something fishy, or he has already changed his old ways.

If that's the case, well then... that's good for him. :)

A Calm Surrender

I seem to have neglected this blog... and that's not necessarily a bad thing. This is primarily my "piss" blog--- my outlet when I feel the need to release my bottled up emotions. i post entries when i'm upset, when I'm sad, when I'm angry. Even my seemingly neutral entries like movie reviews aren't really neutral at all. Truth be told, I write stuff whenever i feel stressed, whenever I feel anxious... writing down my thoughts soothes my nerves somewhat. And because I have been unusually happy the past month or so, i seem to have neglected my blogger account. Considering the things I have just said, I guess that's a good thing. The fact that I'm posting an entry again? That's not a very good sign.

Two weeks ago, i found out that I passed the last exam required for US licensure. You might say i felt so elated that I didn't feel the need to write about it. But since I took the exam late in the year, I didn't get the result on time. That meant no interviews for me. i have to try my luck for next year. But that doesn't really matter in the long run. What's one more year compared to the rest of my life? i have already reached a decision. After spending almost three months in the US, I have found the place where I'd want to spend the rest of my life. I wouldn't want to go back home--- ever. Not even for business, not even for vacation. Sure there are family and friends that I would miss, but they can always go visit me. Besides family and friends, there's nothing else that can hold me back. Call me unpatriotic, call me scum, say that I have no sense of national pride and loyalty, but I have grown to hate everything about my land of birth. I hate it here. The very second the plane landed, the happiness that i was feeling for the past few weeks immediately vanished. I immediately felt sad. I have seen how it is on the other side, that i can only look at everything i see here with disdain. I know that's such a harsh thing to say, but i just can't help but compare. From things that are superficial as the weather and the dilapidated airport, to some things that are profound like how the catholic church has a tight grip on everyone, how messy politics are, and how people never learn from the past and how everyone keeps making stupid decisions even the so called intelligent individuals... i just hate everything here. i know these things are rampant elsewhere in the world, even from where i have just been--- but the way people deal with these problems make all the difference. And I just can't help but feel a sense of exasperation and defeat. To hell with patriotism, to hell with giving back to my own country in terms of service, to hell with everything I have stood for. One can only do so much, and there's no way one can make changes when the people are too stubborn to change. You can't help people who do not want to be helped, and it's even harder to try to help people who refuse to believe that they need help. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe all this talk is a little too premature. But for now, I can honestly say, that i have given up. There is nothing for me here.

So to hell with getting into a residency program that i want. To hell with getting a job in a good location. Even if I get into the lowest tiered residency program in Nowheresville, i would still be a lot happier. I just can't be happy here. On most days, I feel angry. There's always something that annoys me. On most days, I'm in a bad mood. I have too much angst and this country unleashes the worst in me. Happiness has been so elusive all my life, and i definitely won't find it here.

i can't wait for this year to be over. I wish there was a fast forward button that I can push...

Because I can hardly wait to get out of here. That's all that I am thinking of.

Same Beginnings

Day 51 in the USA.

Day 16 in New York.

And I am bored out of my wits.

These past few days, i often ask myself... what am I still doing here? I mean, it's not like I still have to be here. Sure, it was fun at first. I've been to places I've never been before. And i do love to travel, i love meeting new people, I love experiencing new things. But there comes a point when familiarity sets it, and that brings you back down to reality.

I knew it was a little too late when I took the exam last November. I wouldn't be able to get the results in time, and that alone lessened my chances of getting into a good program. Still, I decided to stay until I get the exam result, so that I can take the final exam before going home. That's like hitting two birds with one stone. i don't have to fly back here just to take another exam... that would be more cost effective. Then it turns out that I probably won't be able to take that exam after all, because the processing takes about two weeks, and I'm supposed to fly back home at around that time. Trying to reschedule my flight on a later date would prove to be expensive--- almost as expensive as another flight back here. So I'm still at odds whether or not to reschedule my flight back home. Of course, before deciding, I have to be sure that I already passed the exam that I took last November. For me, the result of that exam is still clouded in uncertainty. i don't really know if I passed.

If I won't be able to take that last exam, what the heck am I still doing here? I can wait for the result of the previous exam back home. And it's not like I'm still waiting for job interviews to pop up. It's already January... there would be no more. This whole trip has turned out to be an extended vacation for me. What makes me feel worse is the fact that my parents and grandparents are paying for all my expenses here, and it has been a long time since i've relied on them financially. And all along they think that I'm studying here, that I'm looking for work here--- but that's not exactly the case. I'm simply having a very expensive vacation, and that makes me feel guilty. I am wasting their money by being here. i have no more purpose here, and i have no valid reason for staying. This vacation is like a gift from them, a very expensive gift that I certainly do not deserve. I am bored out of my wits because i am no longer used to being unemployed for so long, for being so dependent on others for so long. I can't help but feel that somehow, i have become useless.

Why am I here? That's another question that has been popping up. Do I really want to be here? Yes, I love it here. i can imagine living here for the rest of my life. But is this the life that i really want for myself? Would I get to do the things that I really wanted to do? I never wanted to be a doctor, and with all the things that are happening to me right now, all the apprehensions that I felt before i enrolled in med school seems to be justified. The path to the finish line is difficult, and once you've reached it you'd be lucky enough to receive some sort of payback. Before deciding to take up residency here, I knew i won't be able to get into a program that I really wanted to be in. There are only two things that I like about this profession: first would be the ability to help others in ways that ordinary men can't. The feeling that i get whenever I am able to help someone in need is indescribable. The other thing that I like isn't as profound as that. Truth is, it's shallow. Some say it's juvenile. I like the adrenaline rush i get when I see blood. I like attending to emergency cases, to trauma. I like surgery. I like cutting people up. It's shallow and it is stupid, but the simple joy that i feel whenever i do certain procedures and operations is indescribable. That simple joy alone can make me forget all the stress that i am encountering. That simple joy is such a huge payback. And I can never experience that joy if i pursue residency training here.

What made me decide was financial gain. I can never make the same amount of money back home. Never in my wildest dreams. So i figured i can apply to any residency program. The road to surgical specialties is hard for foreign medical graduates like myself. Some say it's next to impossible. It's easy to get into primary care programs, and I told myself that I can do that. I didn't like internal medicine--- honestly, I hated it all throughout med school. But I thought about the money, and that alone makes it all worth it. Work is just work. A means to an end, which is money. I can do anything as long as the payback makes it all worth it.

That's what i thought, until I visited my friends at work. Watching them do procedures, watching them go about their daily routine, watching them discuss their patients problems, watching them squeeze their brains for all they are worth... I realized that I don't think I can do this... I'm not sure if I can do this. Certainly, it's not for me. I'm not cut up for internal medicine, that's a fact. it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. I've told myself before that money can make me do any job, but now i'm not sure if money would be enough. i hate it when my friends say I'm being choosy. As a foreign graduate, i should take any opportunity that comes along--- that's what they say, and it's easy for them to say that. It would be easy for them to try a program they didn't like at first. They all wanted to be doctors in the first place. Another program would be easier to swallow, even if it's something they never imagined themselves to be in. But I didn't want to be a doctor. Any program would be difficult for me because I never wanted to be a doctor in the first place. Forcing myself into a program that I do not like would be very difficult. Without the simple joys that certain residency programs can give me, I don't think I can finish any other training program, especially the ones that i hate. I'm not being choosy, I'm just using my head. If I don't think I can do the work, if i seriously doubt if i can go through with it, why would I even apply in the first place? If I had no options, if I had no other choices, then i would go through with it no matter how miserable every single day of my life would be, because I have to. I need to, in order to survive. But the thing is, I do have other options.

I hate the New Year. it can get to me in ways that no other holiday can. I can ignore all other holidays, but not the New Year. Everyone is in such a festive mood, and i find it hard to force a smile, to pretend that just like them, I am overwhelmed with joy and optimism. Because at the start of every year, I'm reminded of the past, of mistakes that I've made, and i am offered a glimpse of a future that doesn't look too bright.

At the start of each year, I am overwhelmed with what ifs and what could have beens. Even when I've told myself over and over that I have left the past behind and that i have moved on, at the start of every year, all these things continue to haunt me again. What if I didn't go to med school? Sure, i didn't really know what I wanted to be back then, but i was sure that I didn't want to be a doctor. What if I didn't resign back in 2007? Sure, I hated the place and the way they run things, but the difficult parts were almost over back then. If I just swallowed my pride and took everything in stride, I'd be almost done with residency by now. Sure, establishing a private practice would still be clouded in uncertainty, but this thing called residency would be over and done with... and that would mean that i have actually accomplished something, no matter how little or trivial the impact that would have in my life. What if i've learned to live with my father and his eccentricities? i would have accepted his friend's offer of a position in a local hospital, even if that would make me still look dependent on my father for everything, even my career. Again, I would have a stable, but low paying job. And I won't even be here. Because more than the financial gain, my dad drove me here. He drove me away. I guess one of the main reasons why I like it here is the fact that I'm away from him. There's an unbreakable bond between a father and his son, I know. But that bond would have to withstand the distance, because we simply can't live with each other. In close proximity, all the anger overshadows all the good that he's been trying to do.

I would love to be optimistic, and be sincere every time a stranger greets me a happy new year and I greet them back, but i just can't. Looking at my past and how uncertain my future is, I'm sure anyone can understand me when I say that I just can't.

At this point in my life, I am sorry to say that I just can't.

Silent Sigh

It's the day before Christmas, and i'm still not feeling the Christmas spirit. So what else is new?

I've lost the Christmas spirit years ago. Christmas is for kids, and that was the last time i felt the Christmas spirit--- back when I was still a kid. As i grew up, the holidays became boring, everything became routine. The season became a blur along with all the other days of the year, nothing differentiates it from the others. Typical. Conventional. Trite.

This year marks the first time I'm not spending Christmas eve at home. I don't know why my family's making such a big deal out of it. If I went on with residency training years ago, this would have happened earlier. It was inevitable, it just got delayed. It's something that they are aware of, knowing the line of work that I'm in. So why the sudden outpouring of emotions, like this was something unexpected? Some of them are even shedding a few tears, for crying out loud. I can never understand how some people get so attached to others, how their distance from their loved ones can easily break them down. But I guess that's just me. I was never the dependent nor the sentimental type. As for Christmas--- to me, it's just like most days of the year. Nothing makes it special. That's probably why i'll never understand how they're feeling right now. I don't understand why Christmas is meant for families. I don't understand why we should give presents, as if those presents can adequately translate to material possessions the love and care that we have for one another. I've stopped giving presents to everyone i know a couple of years ago. I just didn't get the whole point. I just buy gifts for those people that I'm sure to receive gifts from. I'm not being selfish, I just do that to avoid the shame of receiving a gift and then not having something to give back in return. If i want to buy a gift for someone, I'll buy it at the spur of the moment. Spontaneous and genuine. That way, it would be a direct manifestation of my feelings at that point in time. I don't want to use a holiday as an excuse to buy anyone presents, let alone a holiday that I can't really get into. It just feels so unnatural and unreal. A lot of people are using the Christmas season as an excuse to do good, to change their habits for the better, to wear a mask temporarily to hide who they really are. Do we really need a specific day each year just to become our ideal selves? Why can't we do that all year round? That's why to me, Christmas feels so commercialized and manufactured. It just seems so fake. If people really changed for the better and not go back to their old habits at the end of the season, then I would be thankful for Christmas, no matter how detached I am from it. But as long as people keep going back to their old habits, then i'll forever be a cynic.

But I guess as long as the season offers us a glimpse of what we could become, then I guess there's still hope, even for a cynical person like me. So I still say Merry Christmas to all... for whatever that's still worth.

Avatar Rocks!

Truth be told, I was half expecting to hate Avatar. I didn't really want to watch it, and I found all those trailers dull. I used to think highly of James Cameron as a Director. But then he directed Titanic, which is arguably the most overrated piece of mush ever created. I don't go for love stories, so stripped of all that mush, I saw that movie for what it really was--- an overly extended mess, which used several devices to manipulate the emotions of those easily swayed in order to hide its numerous flaws. Most fell for that film's tricks, but not me. I just couldn't wait for that gigantic ship to sink and kill all those overly dramatic people.

Now after all these years, James Cameron has finally released his follow up film. And yeah, since it seems to be the only interesting film in cinemas these days, all that hype got the best of me. I just erased all memories of Titanic from my memory and thought of Aliens... True Lies... Terminator. Plus, it's a sci-fi film, and it's also in 3D. If the storyline sucks, then at least the special effects would be mind blowing. And it WAS mind blowing. James Cameron and company have successfully created a new world, one that has so much details and nuances, that any viewer would be immersed into this world. i would admit that the storyline seems to be a mishmash of previous films, but they have injected several new materials to keep the story fresh. And about those battle scenes? James Cameron is definitely back at what he does best, so those sequences appeared natural, unlike those numerous sequences in his previous film where every single scene seemed forced. This is a film that should definitely be seen in an IMAX theater to fully appreciate it. To say that the film is a visual orgasm would be an understatement. Now I'm definitely looking forward to Battle Angel.

The Movie Critic is Back!

The new Twilight movie has earned a gazillion dollars already. I guess it was inevitable that I was bound to watch it, no matter how much I hated all the fanfare surrounding the shitty franchise. It certainly boggles the mind. Can't audiences nowadays invest in something with a little more... substance? Or at least in something that made a little bit more sense? Glimmering vampires. Half naked wolf boys. Teenage girls and seemingly mature women swooning over them. Yeesh. You can say that i just felt the need to write a scathing review. So here it goes.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

I thought the first movie was a load of crap, so i'll try to be as objective as possible.

To be fair, it doesn't suck as much as the first film. For one thing, because of the bigger budget allotted for special effects, it no longer looks like a B movie. It's just a mystery why they couldn't add a few thousand dollars more to make those wolves less cartoony. As for the plot? It's still something only teenage girls would appreciate. A lot of scenes are obviously made to make the tween audience shriek and swoon. This is fan service at its finest. A lot of those scenes are obviously aimed at brainless teenage girls and closet queens. I mean, look at the wolf boy previously known as shark boy. Did he really need to take his shirt off just to bandage a small wound?! And that's just one of the numerous shirtless scenes, i actually lost count. Jesus, this movie has absolutely no qualms when it comes to exploiting a minor just to please its man hungry audience.

The best part? i guess it would have to be the scene wherein the Volturi were beating the shit out of that Edward guy. Only it would've been so much better if they managed to kill him off. Kill off that Bella chick too while they're in the process. Only then will we be spared from all this nauseatingly brainless mush.

...

So in order to get rid of all that barf inducing Twilight aftertaste left in my mouth, I had to watch another movie. Preferably something gory. Which brings us to...

Ninja Assassin

Yup, it's another brainless action movie. Don't expect anything as innovative as The Matrix from the Wachowski brothers this time around. There's a semblance of a thin plot interspersed between the action scenes, but that's about it. No symbolisms and metaphors, just tons of blood and gore. I've seen a lot of better action movies and nothing in this movie makes it stand out, but hey, I'm not complaining. The action scenes were good enough. All those Ninjas onscreen actually made the action sequences more interesting. Ninjas are fun to watch after all. And all the blood and guts splattered onscreen made those scenes extra appetizing. But most of all, it was good enough to get rid of the bitter taste of New Moon that was still left in my mouth.

That alone makes it an above average film in my book.

Somewhere in the Middle

Currently in Atlanta, Georgia. Just took the exam, and frankly, I'm not sure if i did well. Everything went smoothly, and i was never under a lot of pressure during those seven hours... it's just that I forgot to do a lot of little things. Things that i knew. Things that I remembered immediately after the patient encounter. I would say it was easy. If only I didn't forget to do those little things, I would be more confident. Almost everyone who took the exam with me barely even prepared for it. I guess that's one plus point for me. Gah. I guess i'll know by February. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

It's been a week now since I've left home. Everyday I was calling my grandmother, and every time she's crying as I'm talking to her. A few days before I left, everything was okay. I figured my plans were okay with her. Then when I was about to leave for the airport, when I gave her a kiss and one last hug, she literally broke down. She cried like a baby, I was afraid she was going to have a nervous breakdown and we had to bring her to the hospital again. But I had to leave. Everything was set. It was too late to back down.

She's the one reason pulling me back home. I'm really starting to like it here. I can imagine living here. From what I've seen, everything seems to be better... I know it's not fair to compare, but it really is. I'm not the sentimental type. I can live alone for years. But when I think of my grandmother, I'm having second thoughts.

Based on my own experience with dealing with patients with the same conditions as hers, i would say she has a maximum of two years to live--- and that's a pretty generous estimate. I wish she would live forever, i wish she would still be there when I'm pretty much done with medical training... but to say that she'll still be around after five years is a pretty generous statement. Maybe i should face the fact that it's impossible for me to pay her back, at least materially speaking. But emotionally, maybe i still can. I can't really bear the fact that I'm having a great time halfway around the world, while she's lonely at home. If just being there with her makes her happy, if just being there with her is enough to pay back for everything she has done for me, at least in her point of view... then maybe I should postpone my plans for residency. What's one or two more years in the long run right? And if she passes away while I'm this far from home, i don't think i could bear it. Yet I'm so tired of being in a standstill. Truth is, I'm still torn between my career and my grandmother. I can't go one with my plans without thinking of her. But if her condition worsens, or if she explicitly says that she wants me to be with her throughout all the remaining day of her life... then I would most probably oblige. i f only she'd live to see the day when all this medical training is over, if only she would live to see the day that her dreams would materialize--- to see her grandson become a successful physician... then it wouldn't be this hard. But fate rarely gives us that chance, it rarely paves the way to ideal scenarios. It's a sad fact of life, fate doesn't take kindly to men's wishful thinking. We rarely get what we really want in this life.

Disjointed Accounts

Am I the only one weirded out by all those joint accounts cropping up at various social networking sites? You know, those accounts shared by two people, mostly couples. For one thing, those accounts look and sound stupid. John Mary Smith Watson. WTF, right?! Yeah, those couples do it to express their love for each other, an expression of the what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine adage... but can't they express their affection in other ways? Sharing a single account is just so impractical. For one thing, two people can't share the exact same group of friends. They might share a lot of friends, especially if they're already married, but they can't share all their friends. It's simply impossible. Like those buddies of mine from way back that i haven't been in contact with for years. I've stayed connected with them through email and social networking sites, but i do not know their spouses... and I don't feel comfortable sharing my personal information to people I don't know, even if they're the better halves of my closest friends. Also, it creates confusion when you post something on their wall or comment on something they've posted, only to have a reply made by the other person. You never know for sure who the hell you're talking to! A few weeks ago, I told one of my closest friends what I thought of the account he shared with his wife. He told me I just couldn't relate because I've never been in love with someone as much as he loves his wife. Okay. That was a bit uncalled for, but what the heck. That was that. Until i sent him a private message which was actually pretty harmless, but could be misconstrued by an extremely insecure and jealous person. it was right after we went to a party and we saw his ex girlfriend from 17 years back, who was there with her husband. They talked for a few minutes, together with the girl's husband, while I mingled with the other guests. I left early, and I forgot to say goodbye to them. When i got home, as an afterthought, I sent him a private message. i asked him if he got the girl's number, and if they've already planned a date. LOL. The thought that his wife might read the message first did occur to me, but i assumed that his wife would understand that i was just kidding.

What happened next? My friend didn't get mad at me, even though his wife didn't talk to him for days and demanded that he move out of the house. Well, he got pretty pissed at first, but he knew the message was pretty harmless and it was obviously meant as a joke, so his anger didn't last long. he just told me that he finally understood why joint accounts were stupid. So did he finally create a separate account? Not exactly. He deleted the joint account, and just told his wife to create a new account for herself if she still wants to have a social networking account.

At least that's one less joint account on my list of friends. Only 5 more to go...

The B Side of Life

I got a call from my aunt earlier today. She was asking me to prescribe some medications for my other grandmother--- the one from my mother's side. I asked her what kind of medications. She told me that my grandmother has cough and colds for about a week now. It could be as simple as a common cold which seems to be prevalent these days. Or it cold be the flu. Even worse, it could be pneumonia. It's hard to diagnose someone without seeing that person personally. The circumstances of her illness was even vague. And I can't easily ask her on the phone. She's 87 years old, and about six years ago, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. She could still remember her children, but she couldn't recognize any of her grandchildren anymore. For the past six years, she could no longer recognize me. She doesn't even know that I ever existed. i guess that's why i feel distant, and why I don't feel the urgency to show my love despite her advancing age. Every time a visit her and show signs that I care, she forgets after a few hours, sometimes even minutes. Whether I do something or not, it wouldn't really matter because she wouldn't remember.

I only see her once a year--- During Christmas when we visit her. We used to see her more often, on a weekly basis when we were kids... but for the past 15 years or so, we only see her at our family reunion during the holidays. That's another why I don't feel that close to her. I rarely see her. I'm about to leave in a few days, and since I won't be seeing her this Christmas, I figured I might as well pay a visit. One reason would be to diagnose her properly. The other, would be to say my goodbyes--- even if she probably won't remember. i told my paternal grandma that I'm going to see my other grandma, and she agreed that I should do that. But when The Father heard about this, another episode of his insanity ensued. Since I'll be leaving in three days, and I 'll be gone for almost three months, he told me that I should just stay put in the house. I told him my other grandma is sick and that I had to see her. He then gave me permission--- even though i wasn't asking for his permission.... but of course there was a condition attached. He said that i should be back home in an hour. I told him I had plans to meet a friend. That was when all hell broke loose. He said I did not care at all, that I had no compassion, that i did not know how to set my priorities. The things he said disgusted me immediately, and it clearly showed on my face. He then said i did not have the right to feel angry because all the things that he just said were true. Jesus f*ckin' Christ. What the f*ck was he talking about?! I don't care for my grandmother?! ME?! For the past few months I'm always by her side. Whenever she's hospitalized, I stay with her, instead of just dropping by like my brother and sisters. I rarely go out. Going to the gym three times a week is my only regular social activity, if you can actually call that a social activity. I rarely go out on dates because I can't afford to. Often I only go out with friends when they treat me, because again, I could not afford to splurge. And he has the gall to accuse me of not caring at all? What a stupid asshole. If he has to accuse anyone of not caring, then he should accuse my siblings, who are always out having fun, even when my grandmother is sick. He should throw those accusations at them, because yes, they are present when she's at her worse, but they quickly leave when she shows even the slightest signs of recovery. If he ever feels the need to release his frustrations in life, then he should tell all those things to his other children. I'm always here, and I do whatever she wants. How dare he accuse me.

As always, the best thing to do during his bouts of insanity is to completely ignore him. I left, despite his futile and stupid attempts to prick my conscience, and proceeded to my other grandmother's house. It was quite late already, and when i arrived the whole house was already covered in darkness. I rang the doorbell. My aunt opened the gate. It was huge house, and the only one living there now was my grandmother and my uncle, whose intoxicated most of the time, I would hardly call him reliable. Her other children lived nearby. What's great about her condition is the fact that despite her worsening memory, she can still do almost all activities needed for daily living. I went up the stairs, walked through the dark corridors, towards her room. She was already sound asleep. When I entered the room, I immediately felt pity. She was an old woman, and she lives alone. I woke her up, she smiled even though she didn't know me. She coughed for about a minute, and when she spoke, she didn't seem to be in any respiratory distress. I asked my aunt why didn't bring her to a doctor earlier. She told me that there's no clinic nearby, and she couldn't ride any vehicle ever since she was diagnosed with a severe form of motion sickness a few years ago. As soon as she rides any vehicle, she immediately feels dizzy and vomits incessantly. That was why she no longer had regular check ups. Man, this could be problematic. I auscultated her lungs. I heard crackles on both the lower fields. She also had a slight fever, her blood pressure was elevated, but she was compliant with her anti hypertensive medications, so that really wasn't our concern for now. Based on the physical exam, I diagnosed her with pneumonia. She wasn't experiencing any difficulty of breathing, so i told my aunt that we could treat her at home for now, even though ideally, she should be admitted. I prescribed several medications, and instructed her to watch for worsening of symptoms. As soon as her condition worsens, they should bring her to the hospital immediately.

I was about to leave, then she asked me questions. She asked who i am.When I told her who i was, and when she realized I was her grandson, she laughed. She then offered me some cookies to eat. The same brand of cookies that she always gave us whenever we visited when we were still kids. She reached for the albums by her bedside, and she asked me identify myself in all those pictures. She was smiling all through out. She was happy... the kind of happiness that only nostalgia can bring. She stood up and opened her cabinet, and reached for several paraphernalia... several tokens that she always gave us whenever we were about to leave during each and every one of those visits that we did when we were still little. The place was full of memories, too many stories that would probably make several volumes. When I was about to leave, i kissed her on the cheek, and although she was smiling, I could see the sadness in her eyes. I asked her why she looked sad. She told me she was sad because she wished she could remember me, so that she could be proud of who I am now. She then lied on her bed, and I went out for about a minute to get my things. I went back to her room to say goodbye again... she smiled when she saw me, but the smile that she gave me wasn't the same. Again there was no sense of recognition. Again, she was looking at a stranger. I turned off the lights, said goodnight, and closed the door.

B sides are often referred to those that are of less priority, to those that are less important. But for me, it isn't like that. The B side may be the side that we don't notice immediately, but that doesn't mean that they are made of less quality. Like the B side of any record, there are things that we don't notice immediately, and therefore we give those things less attention, and at times we even take those things for granted. But often these sides house the more genuine aspects, what we would describe as raw. And as with the B side of life, at times the things we encounter take us by surprise, because the B side of life holds unexpected treasures, and at times they hold greater emotions. The B side affects our lives, at times even more than those things that we give more importance. They may not have the glimmer of the finer things in life, but they are as capable of touching our hearts.

In The Doldrums

Yup, I'm still here. I didn't go anywhere. I'm still in this city, in this country, in this place I call home. Yup, I've decided to postpone the exam. And yup, I still don't know what's in store for me in the future. Nothing has changed.

Man, I had everything worked out. I thought my life's blueprint for next year was already final. But yeah, life is so unpredictable. Every now and then something comes along that shatters even the best laid plans.

Family first. That's what one of my friends said as i was asking different people for advice. Family first--- at least when you have to choose between family and career. So what if i miss another year? One year would seem trivial in the long run, although it does seem like such a big deal now. The fact that my grandmother is secretly crying whenever she realizes that i'm about to leave isn't helping. The fact that she was hospitalized again two weeks ago definitely didn't make things easier. One friend said that the fact that my grandma doesn't want me to know that my leaving makes her lonely means that she really wants what's best for me, she does want me to leave for greener pastures abroad. That may be correct, but it doesn't make things any easier.

Postponing the exam was a very difficult decision to make. Because I really wanted to move on with my life already, I wanted to leave the past behind and start anew. I wanted it so desperately, and I was really determined to do that next year. Sure, I could reschedule... that's exactly what I'm doing now. But waiting for an available date before the year ends is a risky endeavor. So far, there's no available date yet. The earliest that I got was December 14. If i don't get an earlier date, the results of the exam may not come out on time. That means another year in the doldrums. For another year, I'll be stuck in a rut.

I decided to postpone my trip even though I was still ambivalent towards the end. Because of that decision, I was present at my grandma's birthday last week, which could probably be her last, as my father puts it. I couldn't find the heart to just pack up and leave, especially since she was the one who paid for the exams, and she's also the one who's funding my trip. Leaving while she was still at the hospital doesn't just make me seem ungrateful. It also makes me seem selfish and uncaring, and I did not want her to think that. Of course my dad could use the same excuse to keep me from leaving as the holidays are approaching, but i feel that's already asking too much from me. I have to go and do something to secure my future. Why is it too hard for him to understand that? He had this well laid out plan for me here, but from his position, the perspective is distorted. A flourishing career for me in this city is next to impossible. That's a fact. Whoever's feeding him all those myths and fantasies that he wholeheartedly believes is grossly mistaken.

Though yeah, because of that decision that i've made, there's still that huge possibility that I'd still be stuck in a rut next year. I'm formulating a Plan B, in case things don't go my way. I'm thinking of taking a job as a resort physician, or maybe a job as a primary care physician in the province. Also, the idea of joining Medicins Sans Frontieres is wildly appealing to me. Before, i was planning to volunteer for MSF once I finished residency. I would get to travel, and at the same time, I'm also giving back. How could i possibly turn down such a sweet deal? But if I don't start residency next year, i'd definitely submit an application since I'd have another year off anyway. Then I'd keep my fingers crossed, hoping that I get selected. Better be doing something productive, instead of sulking at some city job, thinking about what might have and could have been. I'm considering all these options, wildly different from each other, yet in the same way, also similar. One thing's for sure. i can't stay where I am now. I can barely stand where i am now, and i doubt if I can stand another year of this. I know family is important, and I know I can stay beside my grandmother for another year and show her how much i care--- but for the sake of my own sanity, I need to get away from all this, even for just a few months. I'm so tired of staying in the doldrums. I'm so tired of the way I'm living my life now.

Paranormal Activty

I love watching horror movies. Funny thing is, I can't even remember the last time that a horror movie actually scared me. I guess it would be the Sixth Sense, but all the drama towards the end kinda spoiled it for me. I liked the first few Saw movies, but only because of the creative gore they showed; they were in no way scary. When I was a kid, The Kiss and A Nightmare on Elm Street gave me nightmares, but i saw both films recently on cable and I can't believe I got scared of all the cheesiness i was seeing onscreen. The Exorcist (re-issue) or even the recent Exorcism of Emily Rose? Forget it. I was probably the only person laughing inside the cinema when both films were shown in theaters. I can appreciate a well made horror film, but I can't really remember the last time I was legitimately scared. Each new horror film comes with a great deal of hype, but when I'm actually watching the next horror sensation, I'm always left disappointed.

So here comes the latest hyped up horror movie, the indie sensation Paranormal Activity. When i saw the trailers showing the reaction of audiences, I immediately thought ---bullshit. But the media continued to hype up the movie, plus a lot of friends have been raving about how scary it is, that i actually thought of seeing it. The hype got the better of me, and I was so psyched. I tried to keep my expectations to a minimum so that i won't feel disappointed. And you know what? I still felt disappointed.

I appreciate how they were able to make such an atmospheric film for only a few thousand dollars. And I'm rooting for the filmmakers because their film is making millions at the box office without all that hollywood gloss that often only serve to spoil recent horror movies. Yeah some scenes are creepy, and they made it look so genuine, but something is still missing. i just wasn't scared, not even for a minute. Also I know that the mockumentary style adds to the realism that they were aiming for, but I'm just not a fan of it. After watching the movie, I didn't feel terrified. I only felt dizzy.

This is a good film overall, and we should definitely support such films from the indie scene. But like me, those looking for a good scare would only feel disappointed (unless you are one of those who get easily frightened). Either the film isn't scary at all, or I've become extremely desensitized to horror films because I've watched so many of them. Maybe that doesn't make this review reliable, maybe it does. I guess you can't take my word for it, you just have to see the movie and judge for yourself.

All Things Necessary

Today, we tried to get back to our usual Sunday schedule--- i.e. going to church, shopping at the mall, and eating dinner together as one family. For as long as I can remember, Sunday was Family day--- we can't have other plans on a Sunday. That was a cardinal rule. The only time I was excused from this was when I had to work on Sundays, and there was absolutely no way around it. My dad raised hell a few years back when i chose to attend a friend's birthday celebration over our weekly Sunday habit. If we had some other place to go, it should wait until the family dinner was over. I know how important family is, but there's a need to break away from the tedium once in a while. But I guess in his point of view, family affairs should never be viewed as tedious. And if we ever had to break away from the monotony, we can do it on some other day--- just not on a Sunday.

Since my grandma was in and out of the hospital, this weekly schedule was broken--- at least for the past few months. Since my grandmother's condition seemed to have stabilized, it was decided that we would try go to church together with her. The arsenal was complete--- the wheelchair with the portable oxygen can at the back was the armament of choice. We finished mass without a glitch--- after all, she only sat in her wheelchair the whole time. We planned to just go home and eat dinner after mass, but she said she wanted to buy new shoes for her birthday next week. We figured it would be okay--- after all, she's just going to sit in her wheelchair while window shopping. And when I looked at the shoes that she was wearing, i realized that she does need new shoes. The pair that she was wearing looked like something she had been wearing for years. I've never known her to be extravagant. I guess she got rich because she was extremely thrifty.

I actually found the shopping experience funny. She said she wanted to splurge because it has been a long time since she bought something for herself. Of course we obliged. It was her money, and we wanted to keep her happy. Off we went to the area inside the mall where the most expensive shops stood side by side. My eyes almost popped at the prices. A pair of shoes cost almost a thousand dollars. Some pairs cost even more. I wouldn't be caught dead buying anything so extravagant. If it was some piece of electronic equipment, I would understand. But for shoes, bags, or any piece of clothing, at that price?! It's not just impractical, it's also insensitive, considering these harsh times. But hey, who are we to deny her of her happiness.

So she picked a lot of shoes---- none of which fit because her feet were edematous. Even the largest sizes wouldn't fit. Frustrated, we tried the adjacent stores, but to no avail. We tried other shops, and finally we found several pairs that fit, but they were sold in a shop catering to the middle class. i could see that she wasn't really happy. She wanted those expensive shoes but none of them fit. She began acting like a child that didn't get what she wanted, i thought that she was about to throw a tantrum. She became grumpy and unreasonable. We tried hard to explain that we can't do anything about the situation. Out of frustration and exhaustion, she finally gave up. I know it wasn't amusing for her, but I had to control myself from laughing. It was actually pretty funny. There she was, with money to burn, yet she couldn't buy the shoes that she wanted.

And on the other end of the spectrum, here I am.

My salary is above minimum wage, but it's barely enough, even for my own needs. I could ask money from my parents and grandmother to make things easier, but at my age, my pride would definitely not allow me. My salary is just enough for my daily allowance for food, and to pay my monthly bills. I don't have unnecessary expenses--- at least not anymore. Still, there's barely enough left that I can spend for leisure. When I go out with friends, many times I feel a bit of shame because I often seem like a freeloader, even though they do it voluntarily. I just received my paycheck on the fifteenth of this month, and now it's almost gone. Each month there's not even enough left for savings. At times I even have to withdraw from my savings account at the bank, a few thousand bucks that i have accumulated back when I had a job with better pay--- a few thousand bucks that I swore never to touch unless in times of emergency. If i could barely get buy, i couldn't even imagine how many people could live with even less. Sure, they probably have less things that they deem necessary for daily living since they've been accustomed to a less extravagant way of life... but looking at the prices of even the most basic commodities today, a minimum wage wage earner would be hard pressed to make ends meet on his own. What more if he or she has to support a family. Money disappears all too quickly. It's like a block of ice on a hot summer day. If you turn around even for just a minute, if worst comes to worst, it would be all gone.

A few hours ago, as I went inside my car in the mall parking lot, i just sat down for awhile, without turning the engine on. I looked around. A few yards away, i could see several people--- men, women, and children, sifting through the waste bins. Looking for something--- maybe leftover food, may be something that can be reused and sold, maybe some of them are even hoping that they would find luck. Minutes later, a child screamed with joy, as she found something that looked liked a leftover sandwich, and she eagerly shared it with the others. Their smiles were genuine, and i could tell that at least in that single moment, they were happy. They were living miserable lives, yet even for a short while, they were happy. Simple pleasures. The mere act of fulfilling their basic needs equate to happiness. To some, happiness can be so fleeting. To some, happiness can be so hard to reach. Some people need wealth to be fulfilled. Some people need to be surrounded by extravagant possessions to be happy. And to some unlucky individuals, no amount of money can ever give them happiness. It's just never enough. A car passed by, and that shook me from my semi daydreaming state. One man who looked like the father of the children was carrying a broken stereo to his makeshift cart. His children were carrying some other scraps that they've found in the trash, probably hoping that they could trade some spare parts for cash. I noticed that it was getting dark, another day was about to end. Tomorrow, everyone will face another day, tomorrow is another day that we'll all try to get by. I'm better off than most, but still, I find it hard to get by. My basic needs are always attained, yet I still find it difficult to get by... i can hardly imagine how hard life can be for other people, especially for those who have close to nothing.

As I drove away, I could see the family pushing their cart into the sunset. That was a vision that I'll always remember. When the time comes that i have more to spare, i promise myself that I'll still remember. I swear i will never forget.

In The Midst of Twilight

I’m supposed to take an exam in L.A. in two weeks, yet I haven’t bought a plane ticket yet.

I am so confused right now. Ever get that feeling that just when you’ve thought you’ve finally figured out which path to take in life, something would suddenly occur that could possibly change your course entirely? My grandmother’s condition has been worsening. Yes, I know I’ve been blogging about it for months. I’m aware that I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but at this rate, I doubt if she would last another year. She can’t stand up for long, and she finds it hard to breath even when she’s just sitting still. She spends all day just watching TV or sleeping inside her room. She frequently needs oxygen support. In the rare occasions that we take her out, she has to be in a wheelchair. A few weeks ago she was confined for about two weeks in the intensive care unit, and when she was discharged from the hospital, just by looking at her, I though to myself the she shouldn’t even be discharged at all. That was the first time it happened. Yes, she’s been hospitalized almost monthly for the past two years, but she always seemed better by the time she was about to go home. This time, she looks like a time bomb waiting to explode. It’s as if we have to bring her back to the hospital any minute. That’s why I find it hard to leave. That’s why I’m thinking, maybe I should postpone my plans for a while.

Some people find it hard to understand why this is so damn hard for me. I grew up with my grandmother. For some reason, I was left with my grandparents when the rest of my family moved to another house. My dad said it was because they needed someone to keep them company. Partly, it was because I was my grandmother’s favorite grandchild. It was never said out loud, but it was glaringly obvious to anyone. Whereas she was strict with my siblings, often scolding them even for the littlest of things, she treated me like some sort of prince. She can be overly critical and impatient when it came to my sisters and to my brother, but to me, she was extremely tolerant. Any material thing that I asked, she would give immediately. I guess that’s why I was a spoiled brat as a child. I guess that’s why I was such a prick to my siblings when I was a child. I knew that even if I were the one at fault, I would never be blamed. I could get away with almost anything.

When I tried thinking about all the things that she has done for me, I don’t even know where to begin. I was never a morning person, and she was the one who woke me up every morning. Each morning I was like a heavily sedated patient, and she would drag me out of bed with all her strength, drag me towards the kitchen and even spoon fed me up until the age of 12, because I really felt like I was sedated. Afterwards she would drag me towards the bathroom, and she even gave me baths until the age of 11, until several anatomic changes made the exercise extremely embarrassing. She paid for my education, from elementary school until med school. She gave me my daily allowance, plus a whole lot of extras without even asking what they were for. Several times, I abused this privilege, saying I needed money for something important even though it was only for something trivial. Every time she went out, she made sure she had something for me when she came back. She was doing so many things for me, and I never realized it then.

Looking back at all those years, what makes it incredibly hard is the fact that I never seemed to show her how much I appreciated everything she did. I never showed her how grateful I am, I never showed her how much I loved her. During my teenage years when I was craving for independence, I even despised her, because she was overly protective. Several times, I have said hurtful words, and I never apologized afterwards. In my mind, I was right, and there was no need for me to say I was sorry. By the time I was mature enough to realize all of that, I realized that I have to give something in return. I went to med school partly because of her. She wanted to be a doctor, and she said she wanted me to be one--- to be the fulfillment of her dream, so to speak… even though I was uncertain, I obliged. I showed my love through little things… inexpensive gifts, some food I bought for her on my way home, and recently by monitoring her blood pressure daily and giving her intravenous medications whenever the need arises… but somehow, all those things never seemed enough to show how much I loved her. I would want to say it out loud, but I was never the expressive type. Even when I would simply want to reach out and spend some time talking to her, I couldn’t find the words. We spend each moment in awkward silence. While growing up, I never tried to reach out, I only received and never gave. That’s why we can’t find anything to talk about… she was the omnipresent figure in my life, yet strangely, I never got to know her. She was my grandmother, and that’s it.

Sometimes, I don’t even understand myself. In my mind I say that I love her, yet my actions seems to say otherwise. I get irritated when I need to continuously monitor her blood pressure when I’m preoccupied with something else. I get irritated when I have to cancel plans and stay home whenever her condition worsens. I get easily annoyed when she keeps on saying the same things again and again, I get pissed when her caregiver wakes me up in the middle of the night when her condition deteriorates. I hate the extreme pressure given to me by the whole family when it comes to concerns with her health. These are only little things, but when my selfish side rears its ugly head, I become unreasonable. I become aloof, I become indifferent. And moments later when I realize what I had done, I would feel sorry for myself. But then, it will be already too late. Even when I try to make amends, the damage has been done. To her, I would seem so ungrateful. To her, it seemed that I do not care. All that she would ask of me are nothing compared to all the sacrifices that she has done for me. I could see the hurt in her eyes. But even then, she would quickly turn a blind eye as soon as she feels better. Because I was her favorite grandchild, she would quickly forget. I guess that’s what they call unconditional love.

Give or take two years, that was what her physician said. Two years to live is actually generous, considering her present condition. Looking at her as she silently slept in the hospital bed all those nights that I stayed with her made me see things in the proper perspective. She gave me so much, and I hardly gave back. Early this year, I figured I would try my luck working abroad. Because the pay is better--- that’s the primary reason. But it’s not for selfish pursuits. My plan was to work hard and send money back home, or pay for her caretaker, or even a private nurse… so I could finally give something back. My siblings have been helping her financially for years now, and being the eldest, I feel so useless. The fact that I still depend on her for my major expenses makes me feel so pathetic. At her age, she shouldn’t be supporting me anymore. I should be the one supporting her. Sure, I’m here to keep her company, I’m here to monitor her blood pressure and make sure she takes her medications… but I never felt that all those were enough. I had to give so much more. But then her condition took a turn for the worse, and I’m starting to doubt if I could work abroad and proceed with my plans. I doubt if she would ever see the day that I’m finally independent, and our roles would finally be in reverse. She would no longer take care of me. I’ll be the one who will take care of her.

Now I’m thinking of postponing my plans for residency for a while. It would take at least three years to finish residency training, and I would hate if it she passes away when I’m not around. I would hate myself for it. On the other hand, says my practical side… I can’t keep on postponing my plans. What if she lives for more than two years, even five… I can’t keep on postponing my plans, and basing everything on something that isn’t definite, can I? It really sucks the way life can be so unpredictable. Just when you thought you’ve finally got it all figured out, something comes a long that fucks everything up. If only life was a one way street, things wouldn’t be so complicated. If time won’t allow me to proceed with my plan, if time won’t give me the opportunity to repay her for all the things she has done, then I guess the only way to show her my appreciation, and how sorry I am for all the pain that I have caused her, is to remain by her side all throughout the remaining days of her life.

I know that still isn’t enough to show how much I love the person who has loved me with all her heart in spite of myself… but life is such a bitch. At this point in time, when my net worth is close to nothing, with tears flowing from my eyes, I regretfully say… for now, that is all that I can give.

Misconstrued

Sunday night, went to my cousin's party. Met one of her friends, and then there was instant attraction. There was a connection, and we spent hours talking about nothing. Half past twelve, everyone decided to call it a night, and since she didn't have a car, I offered to take her home.

No words were explicitly spoken, but I knew that she knew what I wanted, and i knew that she understood my terms. We were on the same page. Instead of going straight to her house, i made a quick detour. Before we went in, just to make things clear, I told her that all i wanted was something casual--- no commitments, no attachments. I wasn't ready for anything more than that. And as I expected, she agreed. She didn't back out.

It was funny. At the very beginning it was explosive, then halfway through, things started to fizzle out. Maybe it was the alcohol, but somehow, we became too exhausted to move. We both laughed. Then we just cuddled. We began to talk about trivial things at first. Then we talked about work, about family, about future plans, our dreams, about personal problems--- things that you might share with a close friend, with your girlfriend... definitely things you wouldn't talk about with someone you've just met, let alone with someone you're only having a casual encounter with. But there was that connection, and words kept on flowing. We shared so many things, and I felt that I was with someone I actually trust and cared about. And on hindsight, that was the biggest mistake that I made that night: I showed my sensitive side.

Afterward we even had a snack outside, before I took her home. Yup, there was the promise to keep in touch, but promises are understood to be half meant in casual events. The morning after, I received a text message. That was fine, i replied. Honestly, I think that I have gained a new friend out of that experience, no matter how unexpected that may seem... but there's nothing more than that. I didn't want to take it any further. But then the text messages increased in frequency... messages about trivial matters, then messages asking how i was doing, sent mere hours apart from each other. At first I was indifferent, but then I became annoyed. The messages grew in rapid succession, that I found myself too lazy to even give a perfunctory reply out of courtesy. Then she was asking why I wasn't replying to her messages, why it took me so long to reply, why wouldn't I call her. Jesus Christ. Isn't it obvious why i wasn't calling her?! Why should I?! From the very beginning, I told her that all I wanted was something casual. i wasn't looking for a relationship. Now she seems like an overly clingy girlfriend. I guess it was all my fault. Even when you say it out loud, as long as you show your sensitive side, women would think that you're not saying what you really mean--- even when you are saying what you really mean. When I showed that I understood her, I guess she saw me as a potential best friend, or the ideal boyfriend. And what sucks the most? I know that the easiest way to get rid of her is to act like an asshole. Problem is, I find it hard to act like an asshole when I know that I could hurt someone else's feelings. I could just ignore her and hope that she'll eventually get tired, but what does that make of me? And what if she's not one of those girls who can easily get the message?

Ugh. Good thing I'll be leaving in a few weeks. All this will be moot when I'm out of here.

Tweet Tweet

I just realized that I have been neglecting my Blogger account. Partly because there's not much happening in my life lately... Also, I haven't been really pissed lately--- which is a good thing. But since this blog serves as my "piss blog", that would also explain the paucity of entries. Add the fact that with all the work and studying that I have been doing lately, it's hard to find some quiet alone time, which is essential for me to compose a sensible (or at least partly sensible) blog entry. It usually takes me about one to two hours to create one of my better entries (i.e. not those filler entries that I have been posting in increasing frequency these past few months), and I no longer have that luxury.

However, elsewhere on the internet, my ideas are alive and well. Sometime last month, I discovered Twitter. I used to ignore Twitter, no matter how ubiquitous it got. I mean, what can i possibly do with an account that only allowed you to post status updates? I can do that in Facebook, which has been around much longer than Twitter. And with the 140 character limit, it is pretty much useless. How can a person cram anything with much sense in just 140 characters?! And I used to think it only caters to those fame whores. You know, the type of people who always seek attention, and they get extreme gratification when they get so many followers. They are also the shepherds you encounter in those social networking sites. You know, those who keep adding people they barely know, even those people they don't know, because it would bloat their friends list, creating the illusion that they are popular. I used to think that Twitter catered to those who are obsessed with popularity, and I would never be caught dead creating a Twitter account... until I gave in to peer pressure, like I always do. So yeah, I made a Twitter account, and I was sure that i would never ever update it after making that single entry.

But you know me... In every lull moment, more than a dozen thoughts would immediately zip through my mind. Often, those thoughts would fade fast, but at times they would persist, and they would lead to a possible poem, a short story, or a blog entry--- as soon as i find the time to write it down. But with Twitter, all I needed was a cellphone, which I always had with me... without realizing it, I kept on posting short messages... not really status updates, but more like pockets of ideas. And before I knew it, I already had two hundred Tweets.

What I like even more is the fact that somehow, my Twitter account still gives me that certain degree of anonymity, and that is essential for me to post my thoughts freely--- like I do in this blogger account. Sure, I use my real name there, but there's no other information. Even the picture I've uploaded is non recognizable... it only shows my silhouette. Add the fact that most of the people who know me are still not aware that I have a Twitter account that I regularly update. One reason that I don't post status updates in Facebook anymore is because it has become cluttered with people whom I barely know, but whose friend requests I could not easily ignore. Yes, i would considered these people as more than acquaintances, but I don't trust them enough to be comfortable enough to spill my innermost thoughts in my status updates. Either i censor my thoughts, or not post anything at all. That's why for now, Twitter is like a breath of fresh air. Suddenly, I feel free again.

But since my Blogger account offers the greatest degree of anonymity, there's no way I'm forgetting about this account. I've been itching to create another one of those emotional entries, and I would do so as soon as time would allow.

In the meantime, I'm heading over to the Tweet Deck. :)

No Wonder

I just recently watched another Direct to Video animated release from Warner Premier. The Final Frontier was a piece of crap, while Gotham Knight was a mixed bag. Honestly, with Wonder Woman, I didn't know what to expect.

I was never fascinated with this character while I was growing up. I mean, I doubt if any kid classified as male would find female superheroes fascinating. With the way they were drawn--- with those insanely huge breasts and physiques of ridiculous proportions, female characters in most comic books seem to be nothing more than an outlet of repressed sexuality. Sure, for women, these female superheroes symbolize gender equality, women's liberation and whatnot. But women aren't really the target audience of comic books, right?

I only got to know the Wonder Woman character through the Justice League cartoon series. I never saw the live action TV series even on syndication. And the character seemed nothing more than an accessory in the Super Friends cartoon series that I used to watch when I was a kid. But in the Justice League series--- they showed the character in a different light. Wonder Woman appeared cool--- and her fight scenes weren't too shabby either. For the first time, along with Hawk Girl, I was rooting for female superheroes. In the Justice League series, they weren't just there for support, they weren't just mere accessories. They were vital to the whole team. They were heroes, just like the rest of them.

When i popped the disc into my DVD player, i was immediately in awe. WOW. That was one of the best opening scenes I've ever seen, be it in an animated or a live action movie. Intense. Gripping. With impalements and beheadings. I immediately wondered why Hollywood was having problems with the script for the live action Wonder Woman movie, when there's a perfectly good script right here! But after that great opening sequence, things began to mellow down. I was waiting for the action to build up again--- but it never did. Even the climax was unsatisfying. When the final action sequence was over... I said, "that's it?" There's a potential with this storyline, they just failed to sustain it. The Justice League series was successful in enriching the character, and the back story here was amazing. The problem isn't because the Wonder Woman mythos is deeply rooted in fantasy and mythology. It isn't because the back story is better suited for historical times, it can easily be adapted to present times as showed in this film. The problem is, they can't seem to find writers who can put all these good things into something that's cohesive. A bit of polishing here and there is all that's needed. The blueprint for a great movie is already here, they just have to furnish it with the proper materials. At this rate, no wonder the live action Wonder Woman movie is still years away from production. If ever that film finally receives the go signal from the studios, I hope they've already managed to create a great script by then. As shown by the Justice League series, the character has huge potential. It would be such a pity if they failed to deliver.

Up!

Yeah, I know this is a really late review. To be frank, I had no intentions of watching this movie. The only thing that the trailers showed was an old man in a flying house. With lots of balloons. Woohoo! That's as interesting as watching paint dry! Honestly this movie could have attracted an even bigger audience if they showed more of the movie, instead of being so vague about it. It had so much more to offer.

I'm glad I was dragged into this movie earlier this week. I can now honestly say that PIXAR IS BACK. Pixar used to be such a sure thing. Even when the trailers looked unappealing, I would always be proven wrong once I step inside the movie theater. It would always be an amazing experience. But then Cars came along, which was full of cliches it came off as generic. They almost bounced back with Ratatouille, but somehow, it seemed to be missing something. And then last years Wall-E, which was overly simplified. Some of the top critics said that was The Best Movie of The Year?! Man, they must be high on drugs when they watched that movie. Yeah, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't something to write home about. I understand how kids could appreciate the beauty of its simplicity, but I'd expect adults to look for a bit more complexity. And c'mon, how many times do you have to hear "Wall-E" and "Eee-va" before they get on your nerves. Simply put, Wall-E did not have that Pixar magic that used to leave me in awe. That's why I decided to forego this year's Pixar release. Never mind the fact that the trailer was simply unappealing to begin with.

And I was proven wrong. What they showed in the trailer was simply the tip of the iceberg. The whole plot is more complex, and the story went to places I did not expect it to go. I mean, a South American adventure? With talking dogs?! lol. A lot of scenes elicited genuine laughter from the audience. Several mature issues have been inserted in a way that they would not alienate the children from the audience. And the best part? The thing that separates Pixar's animated features from those released by other studios is present here... like most of the other Pixar releases, this film has heart. It manages to touch different facets of human emotions--- joy, grief, sadness, despair, triumph. Unlike other animated features that people tend to forget as soon as they leave the theater, the message that this movie conveys resonate. This movie doesn't just guarantee entertainment. With the proper use of emotional tools, this movie is a reflection of life in general. To some, this movie can even make one view life in a proper perspective, make one see things in a different light.

That's right. Just as I've said above. Pixar is really back.