A Calm Surrender

I seem to have neglected this blog... and that's not necessarily a bad thing. This is primarily my "piss" blog--- my outlet when I feel the need to release my bottled up emotions. i post entries when i'm upset, when I'm sad, when I'm angry. Even my seemingly neutral entries like movie reviews aren't really neutral at all. Truth be told, I write stuff whenever i feel stressed, whenever I feel anxious... writing down my thoughts soothes my nerves somewhat. And because I have been unusually happy the past month or so, i seem to have neglected my blogger account. Considering the things I have just said, I guess that's a good thing. The fact that I'm posting an entry again? That's not a very good sign.

Two weeks ago, i found out that I passed the last exam required for US licensure. You might say i felt so elated that I didn't feel the need to write about it. But since I took the exam late in the year, I didn't get the result on time. That meant no interviews for me. i have to try my luck for next year. But that doesn't really matter in the long run. What's one more year compared to the rest of my life? i have already reached a decision. After spending almost three months in the US, I have found the place where I'd want to spend the rest of my life. I wouldn't want to go back home--- ever. Not even for business, not even for vacation. Sure there are family and friends that I would miss, but they can always go visit me. Besides family and friends, there's nothing else that can hold me back. Call me unpatriotic, call me scum, say that I have no sense of national pride and loyalty, but I have grown to hate everything about my land of birth. I hate it here. The very second the plane landed, the happiness that i was feeling for the past few weeks immediately vanished. I immediately felt sad. I have seen how it is on the other side, that i can only look at everything i see here with disdain. I know that's such a harsh thing to say, but i just can't help but compare. From things that are superficial as the weather and the dilapidated airport, to some things that are profound like how the catholic church has a tight grip on everyone, how messy politics are, and how people never learn from the past and how everyone keeps making stupid decisions even the so called intelligent individuals... i just hate everything here. i know these things are rampant elsewhere in the world, even from where i have just been--- but the way people deal with these problems make all the difference. And I just can't help but feel a sense of exasperation and defeat. To hell with patriotism, to hell with giving back to my own country in terms of service, to hell with everything I have stood for. One can only do so much, and there's no way one can make changes when the people are too stubborn to change. You can't help people who do not want to be helped, and it's even harder to try to help people who refuse to believe that they need help. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe all this talk is a little too premature. But for now, I can honestly say, that i have given up. There is nothing for me here.

So to hell with getting into a residency program that i want. To hell with getting a job in a good location. Even if I get into the lowest tiered residency program in Nowheresville, i would still be a lot happier. I just can't be happy here. On most days, I feel angry. There's always something that annoys me. On most days, I'm in a bad mood. I have too much angst and this country unleashes the worst in me. Happiness has been so elusive all my life, and i definitely won't find it here.

i can't wait for this year to be over. I wish there was a fast forward button that I can push...

Because I can hardly wait to get out of here. That's all that I am thinking of.