Somewhere in the Middle

Currently in Atlanta, Georgia. Just took the exam, and frankly, I'm not sure if i did well. Everything went smoothly, and i was never under a lot of pressure during those seven hours... it's just that I forgot to do a lot of little things. Things that i knew. Things that I remembered immediately after the patient encounter. I would say it was easy. If only I didn't forget to do those little things, I would be more confident. Almost everyone who took the exam with me barely even prepared for it. I guess that's one plus point for me. Gah. I guess i'll know by February. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

It's been a week now since I've left home. Everyday I was calling my grandmother, and every time she's crying as I'm talking to her. A few days before I left, everything was okay. I figured my plans were okay with her. Then when I was about to leave for the airport, when I gave her a kiss and one last hug, she literally broke down. She cried like a baby, I was afraid she was going to have a nervous breakdown and we had to bring her to the hospital again. But I had to leave. Everything was set. It was too late to back down.

She's the one reason pulling me back home. I'm really starting to like it here. I can imagine living here. From what I've seen, everything seems to be better... I know it's not fair to compare, but it really is. I'm not the sentimental type. I can live alone for years. But when I think of my grandmother, I'm having second thoughts.

Based on my own experience with dealing with patients with the same conditions as hers, i would say she has a maximum of two years to live--- and that's a pretty generous estimate. I wish she would live forever, i wish she would still be there when I'm pretty much done with medical training... but to say that she'll still be around after five years is a pretty generous statement. Maybe i should face the fact that it's impossible for me to pay her back, at least materially speaking. But emotionally, maybe i still can. I can't really bear the fact that I'm having a great time halfway around the world, while she's lonely at home. If just being there with her makes her happy, if just being there with her is enough to pay back for everything she has done for me, at least in her point of view... then maybe I should postpone my plans for residency. What's one or two more years in the long run right? And if she passes away while I'm this far from home, i don't think i could bear it. Yet I'm so tired of being in a standstill. Truth is, I'm still torn between my career and my grandmother. I can't go one with my plans without thinking of her. But if her condition worsens, or if she explicitly says that she wants me to be with her throughout all the remaining day of her life... then I would most probably oblige. i f only she'd live to see the day when all this medical training is over, if only she would live to see the day that her dreams would materialize--- to see her grandson become a successful physician... then it wouldn't be this hard. But fate rarely gives us that chance, it rarely paves the way to ideal scenarios. It's a sad fact of life, fate doesn't take kindly to men's wishful thinking. We rarely get what we really want in this life.