Somewhere in the Middle

Currently in Atlanta, Georgia. Just took the exam, and frankly, I'm not sure if i did well. Everything went smoothly, and i was never under a lot of pressure during those seven hours... it's just that I forgot to do a lot of little things. Things that i knew. Things that I remembered immediately after the patient encounter. I would say it was easy. If only I didn't forget to do those little things, I would be more confident. Almost everyone who took the exam with me barely even prepared for it. I guess that's one plus point for me. Gah. I guess i'll know by February. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

It's been a week now since I've left home. Everyday I was calling my grandmother, and every time she's crying as I'm talking to her. A few days before I left, everything was okay. I figured my plans were okay with her. Then when I was about to leave for the airport, when I gave her a kiss and one last hug, she literally broke down. She cried like a baby, I was afraid she was going to have a nervous breakdown and we had to bring her to the hospital again. But I had to leave. Everything was set. It was too late to back down.

She's the one reason pulling me back home. I'm really starting to like it here. I can imagine living here. From what I've seen, everything seems to be better... I know it's not fair to compare, but it really is. I'm not the sentimental type. I can live alone for years. But when I think of my grandmother, I'm having second thoughts.

Based on my own experience with dealing with patients with the same conditions as hers, i would say she has a maximum of two years to live--- and that's a pretty generous estimate. I wish she would live forever, i wish she would still be there when I'm pretty much done with medical training... but to say that she'll still be around after five years is a pretty generous statement. Maybe i should face the fact that it's impossible for me to pay her back, at least materially speaking. But emotionally, maybe i still can. I can't really bear the fact that I'm having a great time halfway around the world, while she's lonely at home. If just being there with her makes her happy, if just being there with her is enough to pay back for everything she has done for me, at least in her point of view... then maybe I should postpone my plans for residency. What's one or two more years in the long run right? And if she passes away while I'm this far from home, i don't think i could bear it. Yet I'm so tired of being in a standstill. Truth is, I'm still torn between my career and my grandmother. I can't go one with my plans without thinking of her. But if her condition worsens, or if she explicitly says that she wants me to be with her throughout all the remaining day of her life... then I would most probably oblige. i f only she'd live to see the day when all this medical training is over, if only she would live to see the day that her dreams would materialize--- to see her grandson become a successful physician... then it wouldn't be this hard. But fate rarely gives us that chance, it rarely paves the way to ideal scenarios. It's a sad fact of life, fate doesn't take kindly to men's wishful thinking. We rarely get what we really want in this life.

Providence

Man, that damn USMLE exam was f*cking hard. All those practice exams could never really make a person prepared for the real thing, I guess. With only a minute allocated for each question, there's really not much time to analyze and think of the right answer when you're uncertain. Crap, so much for my so called testmanship. I was simply guessing most of the time, praying that I'm picking the right answers. During the last two blocks, I was both physically and intellectually drained... I didn't really care anymore, I was choosing answers almost randomly, out of instinct. I just wanted to get things over with.The next few weeks of waiting for the results would be very long indeed. Would I get the chance to get out of this country for greener pastures, or am I destined to work like a dog in my hometown for the rest of my life? I can't help but feel that i should have studied some more, maybe i should have postponed the exam. But any more delays might make me ineligible for next year's match, so I decided to just go for it. Would that haphazard decision prove to be a big mistake? For now, I can't tell for sure. All this wondering is futile though. I couldn't do anything anymore, except to hope for the best.

Still having some hang ups with my recent vacation down south. Man, I really fell in love with that place. It was love at first sight. The sun, the ocean, the powdery off white sand... plus there's always the opportunity to surf all year round! I guess that last thing was the deal breaker. LOL. During those days, I actually thought about staying. I thought about actually living there. It's not really a remote island. There's TV. There's radio. There's internet access. And it's only two hours away by boat to the mainland. But somehow, the island has retained its rustic charm, despite the onslaught of tourists in recent years. Practicing my profession there did cross my mind. One local said that there are only two doctors on the whole island, and there are no doctors within the vicinity of the tourist spots, thus creating huge problems in times of emergencies. So yeah, there is an open market for doctors there. I could milk those rich tourists for all their worth (haha! just kidding), and i could be of service to the locals at the same time... and all I'd ask in return would be the opportunity to be able to surf every day. hehe. I know it's far from home, but when I'm near the ocean, I'm genuinely happy. When I'm surfing, no matter how many times I fall, no matter how many reef cuts I get, I'm still happy. I don't need all the complications that the urban life brings. I can be contented and happy with the simple life. That's right, being a doctor in a tropical island away from home is now one of my back up plans.

I never intended to work as a physician my whole life. I never wanted to be one, but somehow along the way, i've learned to like it somewhat. As I've said before, the feeling one gets when one helps his fellow man is without equal. That's the reason why i can continue to be a physician for as long as I am able, but not for financial reasons. I'd be a doctor for as long as I can help others. I can do this for charity, but not for self fulfillment, not even for financial gain. I can't be doing this full time, considering that this isn't really what I'd like to do. Why do I want to work abroad now? Because the pay is better. That may sound selfish, and in a way it is... but not entirely. I'm not only seeking financial gains for my own needs, I also seek financial gain to be able to help others. Ever since I graduated, I've done nothing but give service to the less fortunate. I've seen their plight first had, I have seen their needs. I don't earn much, because most of what I earn I give to them. It's about time I secured my future because I'm not getting any younger. I want to seek greener pastures so I could earn more, so that I can save more money. Once that's over, maybe I can start some sort of business, and just be a doctor on the side. I don't want to keep on doing something that I don't really want to do full time. Running a surf and dive shop on some tropical island? That would be the life. Giving service to others as a physician on the side, having enough money to be able to give aid to the less fortunate, yet still being able to live the life I want? Now that would be the dream. :)

Whether I've taken one step closer or one step backward remains to be seen.

Here i am, keeping my fingers crossed.