The B Side of Life

I got a call from my aunt earlier today. She was asking me to prescribe some medications for my other grandmother--- the one from my mother's side. I asked her what kind of medications. She told me that my grandmother has cough and colds for about a week now. It could be as simple as a common cold which seems to be prevalent these days. Or it cold be the flu. Even worse, it could be pneumonia. It's hard to diagnose someone without seeing that person personally. The circumstances of her illness was even vague. And I can't easily ask her on the phone. She's 87 years old, and about six years ago, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. She could still remember her children, but she couldn't recognize any of her grandchildren anymore. For the past six years, she could no longer recognize me. She doesn't even know that I ever existed. i guess that's why i feel distant, and why I don't feel the urgency to show my love despite her advancing age. Every time a visit her and show signs that I care, she forgets after a few hours, sometimes even minutes. Whether I do something or not, it wouldn't really matter because she wouldn't remember.

I only see her once a year--- During Christmas when we visit her. We used to see her more often, on a weekly basis when we were kids... but for the past 15 years or so, we only see her at our family reunion during the holidays. That's another why I don't feel that close to her. I rarely see her. I'm about to leave in a few days, and since I won't be seeing her this Christmas, I figured I might as well pay a visit. One reason would be to diagnose her properly. The other, would be to say my goodbyes--- even if she probably won't remember. i told my paternal grandma that I'm going to see my other grandma, and she agreed that I should do that. But when The Father heard about this, another episode of his insanity ensued. Since I'll be leaving in three days, and I 'll be gone for almost three months, he told me that I should just stay put in the house. I told him my other grandma is sick and that I had to see her. He then gave me permission--- even though i wasn't asking for his permission.... but of course there was a condition attached. He said that i should be back home in an hour. I told him I had plans to meet a friend. That was when all hell broke loose. He said I did not care at all, that I had no compassion, that i did not know how to set my priorities. The things he said disgusted me immediately, and it clearly showed on my face. He then said i did not have the right to feel angry because all the things that he just said were true. Jesus f*ckin' Christ. What the f*ck was he talking about?! I don't care for my grandmother?! ME?! For the past few months I'm always by her side. Whenever she's hospitalized, I stay with her, instead of just dropping by like my brother and sisters. I rarely go out. Going to the gym three times a week is my only regular social activity, if you can actually call that a social activity. I rarely go out on dates because I can't afford to. Often I only go out with friends when they treat me, because again, I could not afford to splurge. And he has the gall to accuse me of not caring at all? What a stupid asshole. If he has to accuse anyone of not caring, then he should accuse my siblings, who are always out having fun, even when my grandmother is sick. He should throw those accusations at them, because yes, they are present when she's at her worse, but they quickly leave when she shows even the slightest signs of recovery. If he ever feels the need to release his frustrations in life, then he should tell all those things to his other children. I'm always here, and I do whatever she wants. How dare he accuse me.

As always, the best thing to do during his bouts of insanity is to completely ignore him. I left, despite his futile and stupid attempts to prick my conscience, and proceeded to my other grandmother's house. It was quite late already, and when i arrived the whole house was already covered in darkness. I rang the doorbell. My aunt opened the gate. It was huge house, and the only one living there now was my grandmother and my uncle, whose intoxicated most of the time, I would hardly call him reliable. Her other children lived nearby. What's great about her condition is the fact that despite her worsening memory, she can still do almost all activities needed for daily living. I went up the stairs, walked through the dark corridors, towards her room. She was already sound asleep. When I entered the room, I immediately felt pity. She was an old woman, and she lives alone. I woke her up, she smiled even though she didn't know me. She coughed for about a minute, and when she spoke, she didn't seem to be in any respiratory distress. I asked my aunt why didn't bring her to a doctor earlier. She told me that there's no clinic nearby, and she couldn't ride any vehicle ever since she was diagnosed with a severe form of motion sickness a few years ago. As soon as she rides any vehicle, she immediately feels dizzy and vomits incessantly. That was why she no longer had regular check ups. Man, this could be problematic. I auscultated her lungs. I heard crackles on both the lower fields. She also had a slight fever, her blood pressure was elevated, but she was compliant with her anti hypertensive medications, so that really wasn't our concern for now. Based on the physical exam, I diagnosed her with pneumonia. She wasn't experiencing any difficulty of breathing, so i told my aunt that we could treat her at home for now, even though ideally, she should be admitted. I prescribed several medications, and instructed her to watch for worsening of symptoms. As soon as her condition worsens, they should bring her to the hospital immediately.

I was about to leave, then she asked me questions. She asked who i am.When I told her who i was, and when she realized I was her grandson, she laughed. She then offered me some cookies to eat. The same brand of cookies that she always gave us whenever we visited when we were still kids. She reached for the albums by her bedside, and she asked me identify myself in all those pictures. She was smiling all through out. She was happy... the kind of happiness that only nostalgia can bring. She stood up and opened her cabinet, and reached for several paraphernalia... several tokens that she always gave us whenever we were about to leave during each and every one of those visits that we did when we were still little. The place was full of memories, too many stories that would probably make several volumes. When I was about to leave, i kissed her on the cheek, and although she was smiling, I could see the sadness in her eyes. I asked her why she looked sad. She told me she was sad because she wished she could remember me, so that she could be proud of who I am now. She then lied on her bed, and I went out for about a minute to get my things. I went back to her room to say goodbye again... she smiled when she saw me, but the smile that she gave me wasn't the same. Again there was no sense of recognition. Again, she was looking at a stranger. I turned off the lights, said goodnight, and closed the door.

B sides are often referred to those that are of less priority, to those that are less important. But for me, it isn't like that. The B side may be the side that we don't notice immediately, but that doesn't mean that they are made of less quality. Like the B side of any record, there are things that we don't notice immediately, and therefore we give those things less attention, and at times we even take those things for granted. But often these sides house the more genuine aspects, what we would describe as raw. And as with the B side of life, at times the things we encounter take us by surprise, because the B side of life holds unexpected treasures, and at times they hold greater emotions. The B side affects our lives, at times even more than those things that we give more importance. They may not have the glimmer of the finer things in life, but they are as capable of touching our hearts.