Silent Sigh

It's the day before Christmas, and i'm still not feeling the Christmas spirit. So what else is new?

I've lost the Christmas spirit years ago. Christmas is for kids, and that was the last time i felt the Christmas spirit--- back when I was still a kid. As i grew up, the holidays became boring, everything became routine. The season became a blur along with all the other days of the year, nothing differentiates it from the others. Typical. Conventional. Trite.

This year marks the first time I'm not spending Christmas eve at home. I don't know why my family's making such a big deal out of it. If I went on with residency training years ago, this would have happened earlier. It was inevitable, it just got delayed. It's something that they are aware of, knowing the line of work that I'm in. So why the sudden outpouring of emotions, like this was something unexpected? Some of them are even shedding a few tears, for crying out loud. I can never understand how some people get so attached to others, how their distance from their loved ones can easily break them down. But I guess that's just me. I was never the dependent nor the sentimental type. As for Christmas--- to me, it's just like most days of the year. Nothing makes it special. That's probably why i'll never understand how they're feeling right now. I don't understand why Christmas is meant for families. I don't understand why we should give presents, as if those presents can adequately translate to material possessions the love and care that we have for one another. I've stopped giving presents to everyone i know a couple of years ago. I just didn't get the whole point. I just buy gifts for those people that I'm sure to receive gifts from. I'm not being selfish, I just do that to avoid the shame of receiving a gift and then not having something to give back in return. If i want to buy a gift for someone, I'll buy it at the spur of the moment. Spontaneous and genuine. That way, it would be a direct manifestation of my feelings at that point in time. I don't want to use a holiday as an excuse to buy anyone presents, let alone a holiday that I can't really get into. It just feels so unnatural and unreal. A lot of people are using the Christmas season as an excuse to do good, to change their habits for the better, to wear a mask temporarily to hide who they really are. Do we really need a specific day each year just to become our ideal selves? Why can't we do that all year round? That's why to me, Christmas feels so commercialized and manufactured. It just seems so fake. If people really changed for the better and not go back to their old habits at the end of the season, then I would be thankful for Christmas, no matter how detached I am from it. But as long as people keep going back to their old habits, then i'll forever be a cynic.

But I guess as long as the season offers us a glimpse of what we could become, then I guess there's still hope, even for a cynical person like me. So I still say Merry Christmas to all... for whatever that's still worth.

Bound by Blood

I've never been really close to my brother. I've lived with him all my life, we're the grandchildren who were left in our grandparents' house when our parents decided to move to another home. We shared a room when we were little, and he was my constant playmate during childhood--- still, we never really had a strong bond. For one thing, he was my constant enemy when we were growing up. Almost every day during our play sessions, what started out as fun would turn into arguments, and almost always those arguments would give rise to full blown fist fights. I guess that's a logical consequence when you're fond of playing war games. We fought about a lot of other things, like who gets first dibs at the bathroom, who gets to use the car... a lot stemming out from our differences--- little things that would start out as trivial, suddenly turning into huge quarrels. No matter how much we look alike, especially when he became health conscious during our late teens and lost a lot of weight--- to the point that people thought we were twins, we are very different from each other. We're not just slightly different... some of our differences turn us into complete opposites. For instance, regarding our tastes in music, he likes anything sung by African American artists, be it hip hop or RNB. I prefer alternative rock, and I love heavy metal music--- I love listening to all that noise every time I need to vent off. And I hate hip hop music because to my ears, one hip hop song sounds almost exactly like the others. You can just imagine the arguments that would follow by simply turning the CD player on. Our rooms are next to each other, and when one of us is sleeping or needs to study, the urge to destroy the other person's CD player is very hard to resist. Based on our personal traits, he's the vain one, and I was the one who did not care about looks. He's the more athletic one. He's the more sociable one. If I had to pick up a certain stereotype when we were growing up, In a typical high school setting, he'd be Mr. Popularity and I'd be that EMO- grunge kid who simply didn't give a fuck. Growing up, at least to my parent's eyes, I was the rebel, and he was the obedient son. He was the health conscious one, the religious one, the one who was more buff, the one who shared more interests with my dad--- no wonder he's his favorite son. He's the one with a stable job, the one who gets a huge income, the one who's financially stable. He's the son who didn't give them any problems. He's the son who makes them proud. On the other hand, I was the one who started smoking at an early age and was stupid enough to get caught, I was the one who was on the verge of becoming an alcoholic, I was the one who tried drugs, I was the one who was fond of wrecking cars, I was the one who always answered back, i was the one who tried to fight back, I was the one that my parents found hard to understand. I was the one who always had issues, the son they couldn't pry open because I refused to speak up and always chose to keep things to myself. Presently, I'm the one with no stable job, the one with no stable income, the one with no definite future. I'm the one who still kept giving them problems. When I'm introduced to guests, they say I'm a doctor... and that's that. That's all there is to say, nothing else follows.

All those comparisons made between us definitely weren't helping. For some reason, our parents thought that putting us into some sort of competition would make us grow into better persons. Every time our grades from school would come out, they would compare our grades and say things like "why couldn't you be more like your brother", even though the difference between our grades weren't that much. And since he usually gets better grades, more often I was on the receiving end of such lines. Every time I went home drunk, every time I would do something stupid, every time I did something that they did not approve of, be it regarding my career, my habits, my personal beliefs, the people I choose to be friends with... I still hear that line. My brother was the ideal one, and I was the problem child. All those comparisons made me steadily despise him while we were growing up, and they only served to drive the wedge between us even deeper.

In recent years, we've had less arguments, and I can't seem to recall the last time we had a major fight that resulted to battered bodies and bruised egos. I guess that's just a natural result of becoming adults. We still don't talk much since our interests are still very different. We can't even talk about work since the jargon used in the marketing and medical fields are very very different. But we did have several opportunities to bond. An out of town trip early this year, then going on several surfing trips during the last quarter of the year. And yeah, we've had several drinking sessions during those times, making us seemingly closer to each other from the point of view of another person. But most of the times, we're just civil to each other. We still lived in the same house, yet we hardly talk to each other. But at least we don't fight with each other anymore. Sometimes when I watch Prison Break or Supernatural, I wonder why we couldn't be like those brothers who are incredibly close to each other, to the point that they would do anything for each other. I guess we were simply not meant to be like that.

December 25th of this year. I was time to open our Christmas presents. One of the gifts he gave me was a book entitled Strength Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath, with the words "Now, Discover Your Strengths!" highlighted above the title. My thoughts were--- WTF?! A self- help/ inspirational book?! Jeez, did he actually think I would read this shit? What gift would I expect from someone who doesn't really know me. I just tossed the book in a pile of junk in my room and then left our house because I had to go someplace else.

When I got home, I found the book in my bed. Even in my half-drunken state I was certain I did not leave it there. I guess someone put it there, probably him, I don't know. I opened the book and saw that he wrote something on one of the flyleaves.

Hey Big Brother!

I know you may may think that reading this book is a waste of your time, but I still hope you would try reading it. I believe it will help you discover your strengths, as well as your true character. I think this will greatly and positively impact your professional career as well as your personal life.

I hope it helps you become the world's best doctor, regardless of the specialization you choose. Please tell me your top 5 themes after you've read this book, and then I'll tell you mine. By doing so, I believe we can understand each other better.

Merry Christmas!

First of all... Eew. My initial thought was: The asshole must be high when he wrote this down. I felt a sudden chill, and not in a good way. I'm not the type of person who's into Hallmark/ Kodak moments. And even if I did tend to have several of those moments in recent years, I would never have imagined having one with a member of the same gender, most especially NOT my brother. To be blunt, that letter he wrote was nauseating.

Then I read the note again. It must be the alcohol, but when I read it for the second time, i couldn't help but smile. This time I felt another chill, but in a good way. I suddenly felt sentimental. I still think the book he gave is a piece of crap, but I realize that he meant well. I can't deny all that sincerity. I guess he does know me, at least more than the average person. I guess all this time he was a silent observer, seeing through my smiling facade, knowing that I'm not fine even when I say I am, even when I don't tell him anything. It wouldn't take a genius to figure out that my life isn't exactly fine and dandy right now. If some of the people I work with can see it, did I honestly think that a person I lived with couldn't? And yeah, no matter how cheesy it sounds, I guess he does care. And I guess, like me, he also sometimes wonders why couldn't we be as close as some of the brothers we know out there.

It's never to late to start. No time like the present.

What Evil Lurks

... In the hearts of men.

Last night's tour of duty at the emergency room was more tiring than usual. Trauma patients came in one after the other. As expected, a lot of patients came in because of injuries due to vehicular accidents--- an ominous sign that Christmas is fast approaching... the number of accidents resulting from drunk driving has been steadily increasing. The other trauma patients suffered from stab wounds and gunshot wounds... another ominous sign of the season. All were held up, asked to surrender their valuables, and ended up getting stabbed or shot when they refused. What is it with the Christmas season that pushes several individuals to such means? Is the pressure to provide happiness to their own families for at least one day each year too great, that some people would resort to such violent methods? Do such selfish ends justify such means? The Christmas season may bring out the best in people--- those who are aloof suddenly become caring, those who are selfish suddenly turn selfless... yet it also has the tendency to bring the worst in us.

I remember about a month ago, while I was stuck in traffic, I witnessed with my own eyes a scene that I'd probably remember for the rest of my life. First I saw a man running as fast as he could, with one hand on his side, blood flowing between his fingers. Then several seconds later another man was apparently running after him, full of hate in his eyes, with a huge knife on one hand, shouting expletives as he was approaching his target. Murder was definitely in his eyes, oblivious to the world around him. The fact that a lot of witnesses were around him did not seem to faze him. I never knew what happened afterward, I didn't leave my car. I didn't see it in the evening news... maybe the man escaped, or maybe such events are already commonplace that the media do not consider such things as news.

What would it take for us to act completely out of character? What would exactly drive us to commit cold blooded murder? If man is inherently good, why are we capable of such horrible acts that make us seem made of nothing but pure evil? This season was meant for love and giving, for forgiveness and sharing. How could it be an impetus for acts that completely do the opposite? If this season could be distorted by the selfish motives of several men, I couldn't help but think that evil may be inherent in some of us. No matter how we sugar coat it, no matter how hard we try to hide it, when all the garnishing has been set aside, our eyes would bear witness to the ugly truth. Not all men are inherently good. We may not be inherently anything at all. Our future decisions are derived form past actions, not form something we were born with. Out of need , out of necessity or out of pure want, some of us commit actions that most people would never do. It would be safe to conclude that some of us are simply meant to be monsters rather than human.

My Last Routine Christmas

For several years now, I just view Christmas as any ordinary day. The magic is long gone. Gone are the times when I anticipated this day, back when I thought the magic was real. As children, it is a day of joy--- the day when Santa Clause drops by to give us what we ask for, a day when relatives give us lots of presents, a day when everyone is basking in the joys of celebration. As we grow up, as we learn what's real and what's make believe, part of the Christmas spirit has gone along with the illusions and fantasies. The same things kept happening every year, and those traditions have become tiresome. There's nothing new to look forward to. As adults, we're also left with the burdens of planning festivities, buying Christmas presents, allocating our funds so that we will not exceed our budgets--- all those responsibilities that we didn't care about when we were kids. Aside from becoming routine, Christmas has also become some sort of a burden.

Most probably, Christmas 2006 would be the last year I'd spend Christmas at home--- at least until 2011. For the next five years, there's a good chance I'll be spending Christmas with nurses, patients, and fellow residents. No problem though. That would be a welcome change. And since Christmas has become just another day for me, it will be like spending any other day on duty at the hospital. But after doing some thinking, i guess I'd miss Christmas dinner with my family. And I'd miss seeing my relatives during the yearly family reunions. Five years from now, my siblings and cousins may have husbands and wives already. Older relatives may no longer be around. The old status quo may be changed drastically into a form I'm no longer familiar with. So I told myself I have to enjoy this Christmas. I should cherish every moment, because it could be the last time I get to experience the Christmas that I know.

The routine started, and almost immediately I was succumbing to boredom. We usually start our traditions with our grandmother giving money to less fortunate children, but the amount has been the same being for more than 10 years now... maybe 15 years. She only gives 20 bucks to each kid, with the exception of that one year when she nearly died of a heart attack--- that year she gave 50 bucks. I'm not talking 20 dollars here, so that isn't much. 20 bucks is approximately 40 American cents. What exactly can you buy with that amount? candies? cigarettes? a few biscuits? We've told her that if she really wants to help, then increase the amount she's giving, or just give the whole bulk of it to some charitable institution. But she's really stubborn... and stringy. Maybe she really loves the attention she gets when people are falling in line as she gives them money. I mean, during our new year's day family reunion, she throws money in the air and keeps on laughing at the way the kids and even some adults scramble and push each other to get some of the money she's throwing at them. I guess we can't really blame her... at home, we don't really talk to her that much. It's only natural for her to crave all that attention. Anyway, the tradition began, and I can't help but feel embarrassed at the small amount being given. But these are hard times I guess, for they were really thankful even for such a small amount. I'd imagine they would jump for joy if they were given an amount that they could buy a decent meal with. I wanted to leave then, but what really made me get back inside the house was my dad shouting at the street children, telling then to behave, or else he's going to beat them all up. Christ. I couldn't stand it anymore. I was thankful I wouldn't be a part of it for the next 5 years. Doing hospital work, no matter how tiring, seemed better than this--- farce. I may have not slept nor taken a bath for days, I may be starving, but at least if I'm spending Christmas at the hospital, I'm actually helping others with what I'm doing.

Next was the routine Christmas dinner. I tried hard to be happy and bask in the joys of the season, but my efforts seem futile. The only highlight of the Christmas dinner was when that Christmas song by Alvin and the Chipmunks played on the stereo. We all laughed at that high pitched voice, which was unexpected because the Christmas songs that have been playing previously were those slow songs that seem to transport you back in the 60's... or 50's. I smiled genuinely when I heard those chipmunks singing. I have forgotten all about that song. I remembered how I loved that song as a child. I was transported back to a time when I was truly happy during Christmas time.

Next we opened our presents. Years ago that was the moment I looked forward to. In recent years, it has become the moment when I tried very hard to make the most genuine looking fake smile I can muster. I got an expensive gift this year... a micro theater system. I'm really thankful, and I know how expensive it is... but I won't be able to make use of it for the next five years. I certainly can't bring all those speakers to the hospital.. or did they think i could? If they didn't know what I want--- or what i can actually USE, they could've just asked me. I don't really care about the thrill of surprises, so it wouldn't hurt just to ask me. For practical purposes, i could use a new digital camera for taking pictures of patients and specimens needed for all those case presentations that I'll be doing. What I want? I'd like to have a good FM transmitter for my ipod, because the cheap one I got wasn't very good at transmitting--- stupid me for expecting much from such an inexpensive gadget. I guess my friends know me more... they give gifts I can really use. T-shirts, boxers, novels and books that i read... one of my friends even gave me an ipod speaker this year!... it's something I wanted to buy, but I didn't have enough money for such an expensive gadget. Christ, it's f*cking expensive, I was kinda ashamed I can't give him a gift of equal value. It was something I wanted but didn't really expect to get. At that instant, I could've given my friend a really big kiss if he was only female. lol. After opening our presents, we proceeded to visit our relatives on the maternal side of the family.

Usual stuff again, though I found it funny that my aunts and uncles still give me money at my age, because they know I'm still unemployed. lol. My maternal grandmother is also amusing... she's so forgetful--- this started a few years back, though no one had her checked yet... I mean, it could be Alzheimer's. She couldn't remember the names of her grandchildren, except for my one cousin who lives with her. She asks for solo pictures every year as a Christmas present, with our names written in bold letters at the back, so she won't forget us. We keep giving her pictures every year, but she probably misplaced them. hehe. My sister did a mean albeit funny thing some time ago, when our grandmother saw her favorite cake and asked for some. After eating, my sister asks her if she wants a slice of her favorite cake, and she said yes. She probably had 5 slices of the cake before she asked everyone, wondering why she feels so full when she hasn't eaten anything yet. This year, I sat with her for a while, and she's telling me all these things about getting married already, taking care of kids, all random stuff. After a few minutes, she forgets who I am again. It's all funny, and everyone was laughing, though I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. Deep inside, there's this sad thought that she might not be around five years from now... She's more than 85 years old after all. i might not have a chance to sit down and talk with her again.

After some time, I went drinking with my cousins. We don't usually go drinking with them because our killjoy father is with us, but since it would be a long time until i see these people again, I thought... what the heck. It was great talking with them... I haven't talked to some of them for years now. It was great to reconnect. I had 10 bottles of beer, but I didn't get drunk. Must be getting more tolerant again... or maybe because I was so full, the alcohol can't get past my stomach and into my system. lol. It's a pity they didn't see my renditions of my videoke repertoire. I only go crazy with videoke when I'm drunk. lol. I guess that's one high point. Heck, just give me a bottle of alcohol, and that would be the high point of any of my days. What spoiled everything was my father. The rest of my family went home earlier, while me and my brother stayed behind. He kept calling us, probably to tell us to go home. We just chose to ignore our cellular phones. For Pete's sake, we are already adults! At our age he already had four kids! and everyone else were adults! He refers to my cousins as irresponsible when they have stable jobs, unlike him! He calls them drunkards, though he's aware that I drink more than some of them! He calls them bad influences... heck, i'm probably a far worse influence to some of my friends. We went home at around 7 AM. I fell asleep as soon as we got home because the alcohol was finally kicking in. When I woke up in the afternoon, I found out our father even sent a text message to my aunt, telling her to stop the drinking session! WTF?! Is he crazy? He's thinking he's God again, telling my aunt to stop the party. He even said he's going to scold my cousins. Geez, they're not his kids! what gives him a right to scold them?! And they're all adults already, not kids! And I don't see why he's making such a big fuss. When I go out drinking, I usually get home when the sun is already up. And isn't it safer last night because we were in a relative's house, and not drinking at some bar outside? Often he gives gives such faulty reasoning, saying things without logic--- there's definitely something wrong with him. Just when I was starting to have fun during Christmas, he ruins everything again. Next year, when I'm on duty in the hospital, without sleep, without food, with a very heavy work load, I just have to avoid entertaining happy memories during Christmas time. I instead, all I have to do is think about our tiresome traditions and my father's antics. That would be comforting enough. That's enough to make me thankful for spending Christmas in a place far away from home.

I might regret saying that this time next year... but there's a good chance that I won't.