Well what do you know, i had no blog entry for the year 2013. It's not as if nothing much happened that year--- far from it. It's just that I've grown quite lazy. Before this blog was one of my outlets to let out the things I kept inside. I guess coke and weed were enough, there was no need to let all those things out in a blog. Aside from being the year when i've grown quite fond of May Jane and her ilk, 2013 was also the year i've rediscovered love. Sure i've been in quite a few relationships, but this was only the second time i've fallen real hard over someone. And to this day i'm not really quite sure why and how. i didn't even like her at first, but the was just so damn persistent that she managed to crack me open. And when she managed to do that, it's as if the floodgates had been opened. She gave me a totally different experience and i couldn't get enough of it. After that happy phase, I was treated horribly, once she got what she wanted i was discarded like some piece of trash, and i still didn't get the message. i was fucking used and i still didn't feel angry. How the heck could i have fallen so hard for someone who was so selfish and undeserving? How could i have stupid for so long that i couldn't even see the signs? maybe it was because that was the first time i couldn't get what i really wanted. Maybe because it had been a long long time since I have experienced rejection, everything was just so unreal. I kept throwing myself at her, and that only pushed her farther away. I mean, putting myself in her shoes, i would find the way I behaved back then extremely annoying. And like a pathetic fool i kept hoping that she would have me back, especially when i saw that my "replacement" was so much of a downgrade. But love is inherently blind i guess--- Because i was blinded as well. I refer to that first quarter of last year as my crazy phase. How else would i explain falling so hard for a person who was clearly beneath me in every possible way. Definitely, that was a case of temporary insanity. I'm so glad I was able to recover.
Love is a funny thing. Around that same time, one of that person's friends became my confidante. It's but natural i guess, to seek comfort in one of her friends to gain some sort of understanding. Who else could help me understand her? Unexpectedly, this best friend of hers fell in love with me, i don't even know why. She keeps telling me i'm perfect, that i'm all this and i'm all that, and it only made me feel very uncomfortable... and quite guilty because even though it was unintentional, i guess i led her on because i always kept her company. Here was a person who was throwing herself at me, yet i kept longing for that person who didn't love me anymore. Again, love is a funny thing. It's a pratical joke the Gods play on us as they watch our daily affairs from the comfort of the heavens.
Here's a side note. I lost one of my closest friends two months ago. No he didn't die, but yeah he's dead to me now. See he's gay. But i don't really care about his sexuality, what he does is his own business. But i accidentally discovered that he was planning something nasty towards me on a soon to be drunken night... one that gladly didn't happen. One doesn't think of doing stuff like that to a close friend. Close friends are like brothers. When i confronted him about it, In defense he blurted out that the loves me. Jesus, what exactly did he think that would do? that doesn't justify the things he was planning. Did he think i would forgive him just because he said he's madly in love with me? well that didn't happen. It only grossed me out in addition to being angry. Good riddance. i do not need friends like that. Love is a funny thing.
Don't shed tears for me though. During the latter half of the year, i met someone. I could honestly say i love her as well, but for some reason it wasn't as great as the feelings i've felt toward that lesser person. This woman was better in all aspects but i can't seem to love her more. And evidently she is so in love with me, i can feel it in her every action and see it every time she stares at me.She says she loves me more and more each day, and me--- it's quite the opposite. Yeah i fall in love, but to me love has an expiration date. i hate it, it makes me an asshole, but that's just the way i am. There would come a point, after a few months or a few years, when it would all start to just be routine. A point would come when there would be no more spark, no more romantic feelings. If we don't end up hating each other, all that would remain would just be friendship, and instead of manning up i would continue with the charade and hope that her feelings would eventually dissipate as well. I never had the guts to end a relationship. passive aggressive behavior is the way to go for me. It always worked before but it doesn't seem to be working now. To be fair, i did try to end it last month when it became clear that nothing i could do could push her away. i said it out loud. But the moment i saw those tears in her eyes my heart broke. It was incredibly hard for me to hurt her because at that time she had already become my best friend, and i couldn't bear to hurt that one person in this world that i absolutely treasure. So now I'm stuck in a relationship i don't want for the sake of friendship, and yeah i guess for the sake of pity as well. Again, love is a funny thing. To those people who are madly in love it is an incredible gift. But to many people, it's nothing but a curse.
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