In The Doldrums

Yup, I'm still here. I didn't go anywhere. I'm still in this city, in this country, in this place I call home. Yup, I've decided to postpone the exam. And yup, I still don't know what's in store for me in the future. Nothing has changed.

Man, I had everything worked out. I thought my life's blueprint for next year was already final. But yeah, life is so unpredictable. Every now and then something comes along that shatters even the best laid plans.

Family first. That's what one of my friends said as i was asking different people for advice. Family first--- at least when you have to choose between family and career. So what if i miss another year? One year would seem trivial in the long run, although it does seem like such a big deal now. The fact that my grandmother is secretly crying whenever she realizes that i'm about to leave isn't helping. The fact that she was hospitalized again two weeks ago definitely didn't make things easier. One friend said that the fact that my grandma doesn't want me to know that my leaving makes her lonely means that she really wants what's best for me, she does want me to leave for greener pastures abroad. That may be correct, but it doesn't make things any easier.

Postponing the exam was a very difficult decision to make. Because I really wanted to move on with my life already, I wanted to leave the past behind and start anew. I wanted it so desperately, and I was really determined to do that next year. Sure, I could reschedule... that's exactly what I'm doing now. But waiting for an available date before the year ends is a risky endeavor. So far, there's no available date yet. The earliest that I got was December 14. If i don't get an earlier date, the results of the exam may not come out on time. That means another year in the doldrums. For another year, I'll be stuck in a rut.

I decided to postpone my trip even though I was still ambivalent towards the end. Because of that decision, I was present at my grandma's birthday last week, which could probably be her last, as my father puts it. I couldn't find the heart to just pack up and leave, especially since she was the one who paid for the exams, and she's also the one who's funding my trip. Leaving while she was still at the hospital doesn't just make me seem ungrateful. It also makes me seem selfish and uncaring, and I did not want her to think that. Of course my dad could use the same excuse to keep me from leaving as the holidays are approaching, but i feel that's already asking too much from me. I have to go and do something to secure my future. Why is it too hard for him to understand that? He had this well laid out plan for me here, but from his position, the perspective is distorted. A flourishing career for me in this city is next to impossible. That's a fact. Whoever's feeding him all those myths and fantasies that he wholeheartedly believes is grossly mistaken.

Though yeah, because of that decision that i've made, there's still that huge possibility that I'd still be stuck in a rut next year. I'm formulating a Plan B, in case things don't go my way. I'm thinking of taking a job as a resort physician, or maybe a job as a primary care physician in the province. Also, the idea of joining Medicins Sans Frontieres is wildly appealing to me. Before, i was planning to volunteer for MSF once I finished residency. I would get to travel, and at the same time, I'm also giving back. How could i possibly turn down such a sweet deal? But if I don't start residency next year, i'd definitely submit an application since I'd have another year off anyway. Then I'd keep my fingers crossed, hoping that I get selected. Better be doing something productive, instead of sulking at some city job, thinking about what might have and could have been. I'm considering all these options, wildly different from each other, yet in the same way, also similar. One thing's for sure. i can't stay where I am now. I can barely stand where i am now, and i doubt if I can stand another year of this. I know family is important, and I know I can stay beside my grandmother for another year and show her how much i care--- but for the sake of my own sanity, I need to get away from all this, even for just a few months. I'm so tired of staying in the doldrums. I'm so tired of the way I'm living my life now.