Further Disillusionment

The five stages of grief according to the Kübler-Ross model consists of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and lastly, acceptance. When it comes to politics in this country, the intelligent people have been resigned to that state of acceptance for the longest time. When history has shown that we as a people fail to make the wisest decisions time and time again, those people who use their heads have accepted the fact that as a nation, we will be heading nowhere.

I however, have been trapped in the stages of denial and anger for so long. Maybe it's about time for me to move on. i should no longer be surprised. i should stop being so hopeful because I just end up being so angry and disappointed in the end. I guess it's about time that I accepted the fact that this country is riding on the non stop train to oblivion.

For you to understand why I am so affected, why I seem to care too much when most of my peers choose to be apolitical, you have to understand where these feelings are coming from. Ever since I’ve started this so called career, save for the few months when I’ve worked at a private hospital (where I’ve felt so out of place), I have been working for government institutions. I know how life is for the poorest of our countrymen, how their lives are defined by hopelessness and despair. I’m not like most of my friends who work at private companies, where all they care about is to pass through each they, and get their salaries bimonthly to support their own needs as well as their families. I don’t do all that work for financial needs. I work because I want to help. A lot of times, I’ve used up my monthly salary just to buy things for those patients who lack the means to buy the necessary supplies. Many times I’ve done volunteer work, where I’ve spent long hours seeing patients without any sort of compensation for my services whatsoever--- because I wanted to help. And there’s an incredible lack of manpower because there were very few people like me who wanted to help without asking for anything in return. And with the present state this country is in wherein almost everyone is affected by these hash times, fewer people could even afford to help. I’m not some sheltered prince who’s oblivious to the ways of the real world. I may have been one before, but for the past few years I have been with those people who are neglected, used and trampled upon. I have seen them with my own eyes, I have touched them with my own hands, and I have shared in their pain.

It was sometime last year that I have finally become disillusioned with it all. Every time I complain, every time I would try and gather our collective voices for change, I kept on hearing the same answer. The system has been rotten for years, and there’s nothing I can do about it. If I hate the system so much, all of my superiors would say that I was free to leave and search for my ideal working environment, wherever that may be. At first I was adamant, but inevitably I accepted defeat. There’s no way I can change things, I am just one man. And the fact that everyone seems to be contented with the status quo that they do not even want to exert any effort to try to change things makes it impossible. I have accepted defeat. There’s no way I can help others, when these very people I want to help refuse to help themselves. And it’s even more frustrating when these people who obviously need help refuse to recognize the fact that they need help.

I resent the fact that some people have called me unpatriotic when I’ve made this decision. Excuse me for saying this, but what have these people done for their country? I’m willing to bet that in the few years that I have served my countrymen, I have done more than what most people in this country would do for their nation in their entire lifetime. So excuse me for finally getting fed up with the system. Excuse me for finally giving up. To continue living a life like that where i am experiencing constant strain and frustration would be a little too much for me to handle. To continue living a life like that is bound to kill me.

The result of this year’s elections further vindicates my decision. Can you blame me if I felt that here was one opportunity when we could finally have some changes? Changes that weren’t possible if I tried to do them on my own? That’s why I find the results so frustrating. Here was a glimmer of hope, but it turned out to be nothing but a mirage. Here was another chance to turn things around, and we blew it, yet again. Contrary to what others think, I do not hate specific candidates. I’m not convincing people to vote for a specific candidate either. I just want people to use their heads. That’s it. It’s the way people vote that really pisses me off. They say they think about their decisions, but once you ask them further, they are at a loss for words, which completely negates their statement that they make informed decisions. When asked, may people say one liners, similar to those campaign slogans used by candidates, as if it ends there. They say we should just respect each other’s decisions? Well forgive me for saying this, but just like trust, respect is something you earn, it’s not just given away for free. I may not agree with your choice, but say something that makes sense in defense of your choice and I will respect your choice. I just want to hear something that makes sense so that I may believe that you have made an informed decision. But if you can’t say something sensible to justify your choices, at most I could be civil with your decision. Asking for respect is a little too much.

Some have commented that I was so negative, that I resorted to bashing specific candidates instead of just pointing out the positive traits of my choices to convince others. First of all, I wasn’t trying to entice people to vote the candidates that I preferred. I want to open their eyes, I want them to be open to other possibilities so that they may make informed decisions. And let’s face it. I posted positive things before, and I didn’t get any reaction. but when I started my bashing spree, that’s when people took notice. Some people agreed with me, some people took offense. But hey, I got reactions. That’s one fact of life. Talk to people in a nice manner, and you’d be completely ignored. It would take something extreme to get people’s attention and hopefully knock some sense into them. And hey, I managed to open the eyes of at least three people. And save for the few who blew their top when they ran out of things to say in defense of their candidate, I’ve had several meaningful conversations with some people, I got to hear sensible answers, something that would never have happened if I chose to stay silent.

Some saw me as arrogant. Thinking that I was too stubborn, thinking that I was the only one who was right, and all others were wrong. Some even say that I was so narrow minded. How can I be narrow minded when I reviewed each candidate’s platforms for months, when I kept on watching those debates and discussions again and again so that I can reach a truly informed decision? I doubt if those fanatics ever considered what the other candidates had to say. They are the ones who are narrow minded, and I find it laughable that they would label me as such. They’ve completely bought the marketing strategy of one candidate, that it’s a battle between good and evil, and he alone leads the forces of good, and that he has a monopoly on integrity. I didn’t buy all that bullshit because I know for a fact that other candidates could offer what he’s claiming to offer, plus a whole lot more. And anyone who claims to have analyzed each candidate’s platforms would realize that only two candidates have made promises that they can actually keep. The others just kept on spewing whatever the people want to hear, and no one realizes that all those words are nothing but empty promises. I’m a realist. I’m not a fan of blind faith. Miracles don’t happen everyday after all. I need to look at a candidate’s track record and I need to see if he is capable of doing the things that he says he can do. And to choose the leading candidate is tantamount to giving blind faith. There has to be something that I can hold onto, and he offers absolutely none. This is not a progressive country, and at the depths we’re in now, we can’t afford to keep on praying for miracles, we can’t afford to put our trust on something that isn’t realistic and attainable. As a nation, we can’t afford the luxury of blind faith.

I’m not saddened that one candidate won. I am saddened with the results of the elections as a whole. I thought it was impossible to sink into further depths of disillusionment, but that’s where I am now. I’ve completely lost faith in our people. Just by looking at the winners in most positions, and looking at the runner ups… it only proves that people are still dumb enough to buy all that propaganda. It only shows that people do not learn from the past. One man used to say that our people are worth dying for. I doubt if he would say the same thing now. Would you give up your life for a nation that doesn’t care? Nothing could be more stupid than to give up one’s own life for a nation of imbeciles.

Two of my friends got it right. I asked them why they are supporting a certain candidate, who obviously pales in comparison to all the others. They told me to get real. They pointed out that even though I’m a realist, I kept pinning on the ideal. They pointed out that I am a study in contradiction. If I am really a realist, I should accept the reality--- THAT I LIVE IN A NATION OF MORONS. It’s always about charisma, it’s all about popularity, it’s all about the right kind of propaganda. They turn a blind eye to one of the most qualified candidates because he speaks harsh words, because he speaks the truth. He makes no lofty promises, only those that are attainable, but apparently realistic goals are too boring for most people. He makes no attempt to woo the voters with sweet words because he means business, and because he believed that voters are now mature enough to look past all the fluff of propaganda… and he was so wrong to put that much faith in our people. These people do not want to hear the truth because it is so offensive to them. All prefer to hear what’s nice to hear, no matter how surreal, no matter how absurd. People wouldn’t know what’s good for them even if it’s already right at their faces. The ideal is not an option in a country full of morons. The intelligent people have no choice but to choose the lesser evil, because that's the only choice available, as dictated by the overwhelming moronic majority. When the ideal is not an option, the best that the thinking class can do is to choose the less stupid choice. Those are very harsh words indeed, but I have to agree with my friends. In the case of this pathetic excuse for a nation, nothing hurts as much as the truth.

So I’m sorry for contradicting myself. I apologize for thinking reforms are possible in a country so content to lie down in mud and grime, that any form of change is impossible. By actually thinking we can change things when it is clear that we cannot, I was thinking like most people in this country. By believing in the impossible, I WAS ALSO THINKING LIKE A MORON.

But everyone deserves a chance right? I don’t want this country to sink further into the depths of mediocrity after all… there’s nothing more I can do about it, we should just learn to deal with the repercussions. All I can do this time is hope for the best, and that everyone proves me wrong. But for now, there’s really nothing to hold onto, is there? When all you’ve got are lofty dreams that would need miracles in order to fulfill, I can’t help but feel so pessimistic. In a few years, we will know if our people have finally made the right choice, or made another stupid mistake like they always do. Although most signs point to the latter, anything is still possible. In a few short years, we will all know. But by that time, I wouldn’t even care anymore. I’d be so far away, that I wouldn’t even care whatever happens to this god forsaken country... even if I wanted to.

Regurge

Another heated argument with the father yesterday morning. A proper welcome to the place I call home. I just came straight from a 48 hour duty, and I was in no mood for such shenanigans. I answered back. Again and again and again. When I chose to stay silent, it was apparently too late. A lot of words had already poured out of my mouth. He asked why I was so pissed at him. Do I really have to enumerate?! He started the argument for no apparent reason, and he was wondering why I am so pissed?! A moment of awkward silence followed. And then he left. I needed a drink. Badly. So I was planning to get really drunk when I went out last night.

I was in a familiar bar. In the company of familiar people. I ordered a drink, a strong one to start the evening with a bang. But something wasn't right. Just one sip, and the juices in my stomach were churning the wrong way. Just one sip, and I felt like vomiting. Crap, this can't be. After almost two long weeks, I still had gastritis?!

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I need my alcohol! It's a necessity, and I need it badly! Without it, I could go crazy! It's the only thing keeping me sane during times of frustration and desperation! How long will this stupid gastritis last?! My stomach has given up on me... it's possible that my mind could give up one me next.

Rude Awakening

I’ve been having trouble sleeping early again. I’ve been going out for most nights and the sun is usually up by the time I get home. Hence, my sleep wake cycle is fucked up again. It was around 9 this morning, I think I’ve just slept for less than 20 minutes when the dad came barging into my room. He was saying I should call back the person I called yesterday, to follow up the status of my re-employment. Yup, he’s still trying to get me back at the hellhole, manipulating people here and there, exhausting his connections. I just had a scripted conversation yesterday, and I said lines such as “yes sir, I really want to go back” because he was listening, checking if I’m saying the right words. I felt sick to my stomach having words put into my mouth. And this morning he was asking me to do the same thing again. I was in no mood for such charades. I was cranky due to lack of sleep. So I pretended not to hear him and just continued sleeping. Then when it was apparent that I won’t wake up, he grabbed the pillow from my head and shouted with all his might, a number of expletives in rapid succession. Between those expletives I heard him say how irresponsible I am, something about work, something about maturity plus some more other shit that was vaguely comprehensible. It took a lot of will power to not shout back at him and just pretend to be sleeping. Jesus Christ, what a hypocrite! In the 27 years that I’ve known him to be the father, I doubt if he ever knew the real meaning of responsibility. And he’s not one who should lecture me about work either, being the father who was unemployed for most of my living years in this world--- not because there were no jobs available, but because he refused to work for anyone. He SHOULD be the boss. And if my refusing to be controlled, my reluctance to be forced into something that I don’t want to do proves that I am immature, then so be it. I believe though, that trying not to say these words to his face, trying not to shout back at him and shut him up, entails a certain degree of maturity on my part. Knowing how stubborn he is, answering back will lead to no resolution. It will only make things worse.

I have to leave. I really have to. Sometime next year, I’m not sure when exactly. I’m just sure I have to leave this place. Not necessarily out of the country--- I can’t afford that with my own money... at least not yet. Maybe somewhere south. Or way down south. I still have some savings left in my bank account. Enough for plane fare, rent and food for one month. I could easily get a job at some hospital in one of the cities there. Facilities are up to par with the ones here, and the training is arguably just as good. Plus there’s the extra benefit of being far away from it all. I’d spend the next few years away from the place I call home. And if everything goes smoothly, I might spend the rest of my life there. No more looking back.

I find it pathetic how I got homesick after several weeks on duty at the hospital a few months ago. I had the wrong perspective then, that’s why I lost sight of the target. Whenever I get homesick, I just have to think of certain encounters, like the one I had this morning. The perfect cure. Just reliving one or two encounters would be enough for me to believe that I’m better off in any other place but home.

From Hero to Zero

We all know people who seem to be on top of the world. A famous politician, a pop superstar, or socialite who’s heir to millions. Isn’t it pitiful when all of a sudden they fall from grace. Just like that, with a sudden twist of fate, they lose everything.

That’s the same feeling I get while watching each episode of the TV show Heroes this season. How can such an excellent show during its first season fall to such depths? It isn’t your usual sophomore slump. It’s a complete disaster. Last season, every episode was compelling and exciting. This season, episodes are dull at best. I actually saw a glimmer of hope from episode 8, entitled Four Months Ago. That episode was interesting, it kept me hooked. Then again, with all the loopholes and question marks left by the previous seven episodes, any answers given would keep my interest. Then episode 9 came. It blew me away. That was the type of episode typical to Heroes a year ago. It’s funny that the Bennet family story arc AKA Heroes 90210, which was one of the most nauseating story arcs this season, became the most compelling. The ending was also a bit surprising.

Then this week’s episode came. Looks like I spoke too soon. Another episode that should’ve gone directly to the trash bin. Monica? Stupid. That Maya character? Really stupid. Suresh? For a scientist he is remarkably stupid. Peter? The character everyone used to cheer for has become stupid stupid stupid. Claire’s confrontation with Elle? What the fuck was that? Sloppily executed, that it looked so stupid. And Elle, who was such a feisty character in the previous episodes suddenly became meek… and downright stupid. Plus all the emotional impact that we could’ve gotten from the grieving Bennet family has been neutered by the revelation that Noah was still alive after all. And the cliffhanger ending, Hiro vs. Peter? It was so haphazardly executed that I just scratched my head when the words To Be Continued was shown. For a show to succeed, they need to have characters that the audience can relate to, characters that viewers would care about. With such stupid characters and plot lines, I just wish they’d kill off all these stupid characters and get it over with.

I find it impossible to believe this season’s story arcs came from the same group of writers responsible for the first season. If they did change their writers, they better fire all of the present ones and hire all of the previous ones back, before the show totally loses its audience.

They better show something remarkable on the finale of volume 2 next week, else I might not stick around for volume 3.

I Am My Father's Son

That's not something I am proud of.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes, I wish to be like other people who are so proud of their fathers, that they want the whole world to know just how great their fathers are. But when I try to think of anything about my father that I can be proud of... I just can't. And even when i do, those few good things are overshadowed by everything that is wrong with him.

I never felt close to my father. Maybe during my childhood years, when I was too young to remember. There are pictures that seemed to be proof of that. Back when i was proud of him, back when I cared for my dad. These days, when I'm not angry at him, I simply feel numb. I have no recollection of having established some form of connection with him. These days, I get pissed off just by talking to him. Every time I see him, I can’t help but feel frustration, disappointment, pity, mixed with a bit of anger--- because each time I see him, I see a man who has done nothing but waste his life.

He is pride personified. It is so ironic for a person to be full of pride when I can’t see anything about him that he can be proud of. He hasn't achieved anything that he can be proud of. He acts like some sort of king, as if all other people are his subjects. I don’t like the way he treats some people, like some sort of second class citizens, whose only purpose are to serve him. Disobey his commands and thou shall suffer his wrath. He doesn’t like it when he’s not treated as “the boss”, that’s why he gets so angry when someone challenges his authority. That’s also one reason why he remains unemployed for the past 21 years.

There, I said it. The truth. For as long as I can remember, he has brainwashed me and my siblings to tell people that he is a businessman when we were asked about his occupation. WAS a businessman would be the proper answer. My teachers, my classmates, my friends--- I tell all of them that my father’s a businessman. And I find myself temporarily at a loss for words when I’m asked what sort of business, because the script that we’ve memorized doesn’t include an answer for that. He didn’t finish college, but because of connections with the then president of the country, he was given a high paying job in some company. Apparently, he got a perfect score on some exam given to all high school students --- he was the first person to ever get a perfect score on that exam, so the ex-president took noticed. he was groomed to be one of their trusted minions. The fact that he is intelligent makes his present state even more pathetic. On that said company where he was given a job, of course he was the boss. When that president’s term ended, so did his job. I used to ask my mom why he never looked for another job. My mom said he didn’t want to start at the bottom again because he got used to being on top. Looking at him today, I doubt if he can really start at the bottom. He never respects any form of authority, because to him, he is the authority. Another probable reason would be his laziness. He is just plain lazy. It’s so hard to wake him up in the morning, to get him to do chores, and he even ask others to do very simple things for him. For instance, when he’s eating in the kitchen, he would call any of us, even if we were in another room, just to get a glass of water, or some food for him, when he can just stand up and get whatever he wants himself. Sure, he manages to earn some money occasionally, and I admit, he does get big money. He says he has some occasional and temporary business partnerships with old friends, but I wouldn’t be surprised if shady deals were involved. He always seems busy, he always had meetings. He often goes on trips abroad. Turns out he was only doing favors for that ex-president's family. All those meetings were about matters regarding the ex-president’s family. More specifically, matters regarding the former first lady. For 21 years, that’s all he kept doing--- tehnically, it's 26 years. My whole life that's what he has been doing. I was glad a few years ago because he had an office somewhere, I thought he finally had a stable job. Turns out that office was a center for doing favors for the former first lady and her family. For 21 years, he seemed like their slaves, and he seemed to relish that role. He seemed to relish being so unproductive--- it’s not like he’s getting anything out of it. If he was paying for favors, the favors have been paid years ago. Maybe he gets prestige. He gets to hang out with high society. One of the few good things about what he does is that he gets to establish a lot of connections in every sector you could think of. That’s probably one of the reasons why he can act so superior because he has friends in high places--- the military, the police, the government, even in the health sector. He must think he can get away with anything... I guess he just might. I don't give a sh*t about those connections, though. I can live without his connections.

One of the roles of a father is to provide for his family. As a provider, he sucks bigtime. My grandmother was the one who paid for my tuition fees from grade school up to med school. My grandmother was the one who gave me my daily allowance from grade school up to med school. I probably owe her my very existence. She’s also the one who gives my father his daily allowance up to the present day. At the age of 46, he still depends on his parents for money. How pathetic is that? When he manages to earn some money, he buys us expensive things, and he buys a lot of expensive things for himself. He splurges all in an instant, that’s why he barely has any savings. When he gets money he also gives us some, but I’m always reluctant to accept it, knowing that I’ll probably loan it to him in the future. Sometimes, he even forgets to pay back. How many fathers borrow money from their children anyway? I was barely in my teens when he started doing that, when he found out I have started saving money. Then i learned to lie about it, I pretended to have spent my money on some stuff that I wanted. Then he'll scold me for being so wasteful.

He also has this disease called wishful thinking. He keeps on talking about buying this house, that car, this piece of equipment, that piece of furniture, as if he has a lot of money on hand. All that wishful thinking nauseates me, I’m always trying to keep myself from telling him to shut up. It’s probably okay to live in a dream world if he keeps it to himself, but when he speaks to salesmen, it’s as if he’s really going to make a purchase on that very instant. He speaks as if he’s some sort of millionaire. I’m ashamed for him and for myself on such encounters.

One of the reasons why I decided to pursue being a doctor even if I didn’t really want to at first, was to be sure that I won’t be anything like him. I realized that if I become a doctor, somehow I will be stable and secure. That’s also the reason why my brother is working in some far away province even if he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to be like my father. My sisters feel the same way. If I reach his age and realize how unproductive and pathetic my life has been, I would probably shoot myself in the head. With such a wasted life, it would be better if I had never lived at all.

Just this afternoon, I was witness to one of his "superiority spells". He made such a big fuss about the policemen causing a traffic jam because they were apprehending several traffic violators. His temper was soaring through the roof. He was beyond boiling point, blowing the car’s horn continuously, shouting expletives. Funny how all the other drivers around us didn’t seem to mind the minor traffic at all. When he came within hearing distance of the policemen, he shouted at them. If I was one of those policemen, I would’ve shot him outright, or at least apprehended him. I wish someonw would put him in his place, to wound his pride a bit, to bring him back down to earth. When we had dinner, he again reached his boiling point when the waitress didn’t respond to his call immediately because she was also serving other customers. I wanted to shout at him, to bring him to his senses. What tested my patience even more was when he asked me for some load for his cellphone. Funny how someone can behave like such a King, yet can’t even afford to buy some load for his cellular phone.

While growing up, I didn’t seem to share the same interests as my father. I guess that’s why I never felt close to him, there’s nothing in his life that I can relate to. While growing up, my brother shared more interests with him, that’s why they were closer to each other. I was never jealous, though. I didn’t really care. I noticed that in recent years, he has made a great deal of effort to become closer to me, but it seems futile because it’s a little too late for that. I can't just feel close to a person after so many years of being distant. It’s even harder now that I’ve realized what a big loser he is in life. Just the thought of talking to him annoys me. Even my brother, who was once close to him has now become distant for the very same reason--- looking at how our father has wasted his life pisses him off. Maybe that’s one reason why my father has been making huge efforts to establish some sort of bond with me---- because he has lost any form of connections to both of his sons. He must be connected to at least one.

No matter how I disdain him, the fact remains that I am my father’s son. Sometimes I wish I can be proud of him, the way other sons are proud of their fathers... the way other sons idolize their fathers, the way they emulate and try to be like their fathers... but I just can’t. Trying to emulate him would be stepping back. It's so easy to move past our father’s shadow; for several years now, we cast our shadows back at him.

I am my father’s son...

and it’s not something I can be proud of.

When Reality Sets In

I'm the type of person who prefers to have things planned. I'm not the obsessive compulsive type, I just don't feel comfortable with the uncertainty that comes with spur of the moment ideas. Nor do i feel comfortable with drastic changes.

I already have this rough blueprint of how I'd spend my life in the coming years. When I (hopefully) pass the board exams, I'd apply for residency at a certain local hospital (I have yet to decide which one). Pre-residency usually lasts a month. After that, I'd probably do part time work at a local clinic, or some municipal hospital wherein they pay you on a daily basis. Come January, I'd start the grueling journey of residency, which would last for 5 years. After that, fellowship which would last for another 3 years.

Then a few days ago, my father kept on bugging me to take the USMLE examination so I could take up residency in the USA instead. Whoa. That caught me off guard. For one thing, I'd never expect such a suggestion from him, because he kept on saying that he doesn't want any of his children to go abroad. And if I take the USMLE exams, that would drastically alter my plans for the next 5 years. If he brought that up 5 years ago, I would have wholeheartedly agreed. After all, one of the reasons why I thought going through med school was not such a bad idea was that I could go as far away from home as possible when I graduate. I was a selfish 21 year old back then, and a reluctant would be med student. Funny how 5 years can change a person's perspective.

You could say I'm eating my words right now. I imagined my life would be miserable because I'd be stuck in a profession that I don't really want. But I've learned to like what I'm doing. Even when it gets too hectic at times, to the point beyond saturation, all of those things begin to fade away when you see patients that you take care of actually become well. And nothing beats the joy you'd feel when patients say "thank you", or when they even give you stuff to show their appreciation, even when you know they barely have money to pay for hospital expenses. Nothing can give a person more happiness, than knowing that he has touched the lives of others. Another reason why I'd rather stay in this country is that I would prefer serving my countrymen. I don't think I'll feel content serving foreigners, knowing that a lot of people back home can use my help. Call me idealistic now, but I'd prefer service than monetary benefits.

One minor reason why i'd rather stay in this country is that my family and my close friends are here. I've come to a realization that I would probably feel homesick when I go to a foreign land. And to think I once thought I could live alone, that I don't need anyone. The high probability of discrimination also won't be helping. Who would want to work in a place where they'd treat you as a second class citizen, when you are appreciated back home? Again, I don't see money as a reason. No amount of money can pay for such ill treatment.

Yesterday though, I had a conversation with a friend who has been planning to work in the USA from day 1. I guess it was an eye opener. Sure, he said, I can be idealistic now because I can afford to be. Monetary benefits are only secondary because I can still rely on my parents for that. But what will happen a few years from now, when I have my own family? i guess that's when reality will set in. What's real will overcome the ideal. I used to think all these people who dream of going abroad are only blinded by colonial mentality and the promise of greener pastures. I used to think doctors going abroad were selfish. They'd rather make money than serve their countrymen. I even thought those doctors who study nursing just to be able to go abroad were pathetic. Now, reality sets in. In reality, money is a factor. Indeed, how can you serve others, when you have nothing to eat, no place to live, because you don't have money? One has to take care of one's self before he can take care of others.

Medicine is not a lucrative profession--- at least not initially. Whoever said it was needs to be hit hard in the head to bring him back to his senses. Return of investment takes such a long time. After spending a fortune to get through med school, you'd spent 3-5 years in residency, wherein they pay you such a small salary. The amount you get is definitely not proportional to the work load. In this country, nurses get paid more, even if in some hospitals they mostly just sit around and chat. Residents are one of the most underpaid professionals in the country. It's enough if you live alone, and if you live a very simple life. It's definitely not enough if you're planning to start a family. No wonder those who can afford to go abroad go abroad. After that, you'd spend another 3 or so years to subspecialize during fellowship. You'd need to if you want to be competitive. By the time you finish fellowship, you'd be in your late 30's. That's when the return of investment would come in--- provided you've subspecialized in a field that has a huge demand. It would be hard to have a lot of patients if you're in a very competitive field. And knowing myself, such return of investment won't come quickly--- I won't have the heart to charge excessive fees for my services after all.

So now I'm back to square one. I have no definite plans as of now. I haven't decided which path to take. Maybe I'd take a year off instead, to have some time to think. I guess there's no rush anyway, I have so many years ahead of me.


If only there was a way to combine the ideal with what is real...