Stupefied

I just took the entrance exam for residency training in surgery at PGH this morning. I'm not getting my hopes up. The exam was hard (or maybe because I didn't prepare for it?), and I saw a lot of applicants who are more intelligent than I am. Goodbye PGH, hello hospitals wherein only mediocre physicians apply! Years ago, I would have been confident, but presently, I've lost a lot of that confidence.

Way back in high school, I was what some would call a nerd. I wasn't associated with that word initially. During my freshman and sophomore years, although I was at the top of the class, I was never called a nerd. Sure, my classmates would always come to me first for help with academic stuff, but on other aspects, I was treated as their equal. Then on my junior year, when I became part of the honor's class, the word nerd became associated with me, as if it was some sort of stigma given to people who are part of that class. My past friends and classmates bgan to treat me differently, although I was the same person. We were treated as the others. For those who don't know me personally, since they know that I'm part of the honor's class, I was a nerd--- though people close to me know that I'm far from the stereotypical image associated with that word. The image stuck as I moved up in rank, until I was part of the top ten of the whole batch. I guess that boosted my confidence, that anything acamdemic would be a piece of cake. The fact that those IQ tests given yearly show that I have a superior IQ further made me confident. High school academics, for me, was a breeze. i got accepted in all universities that I applied. I was accepted in my choice of courses for each university, and I expected that. One university even kept on calling me to tranfer to their school a month after the school year has started. That was one ego boost.

I don't practice ideal study habits, really. For as long as I can remember, I have always been a crammer. I usually study the night before an exam--- 2 nights before would be a maximum. But I guess I had no choice back in high school since we have quizzes every other day. And when the finals came, I won't really be cramming even when i study only the night before, since I have already read the topics at least once.

In college, I still had high grades during the first two years. But when i reached third year, I grew tired of it all. I began to see the course I was taking as something boring. I thought there was more to life than grades. I joined a lot of organizations, I went to a lot of parties, i drank a lot--- I seem to be living life to the fullest. I prioritized other things. The fact that a number of people thought of me as part of the "cool" group, and that I looked good made me glad. No one saw me as a nerd, i seem to have shaken off that image in this new place. Some people even though of me as stupid, but I didn't care. I thought being perceived as stupid was better than being perceived as a nerd. yeah, my grades suffered. I seem to be contented by just getting passing grades. I would always tell myself that it doesn't matter if I only have passing grades, I'm still studying at the top university in the country. There's this mentality that an average student in that university would be a top student at other schools since academics are much more difficult. I believed in that false mentality, and I succumbed to mediocrity. Still, I didn't care. The fact that cramming was not as effective hurt my grades too. In high school, I have studied the topics already before I take the finals because of all those quizzes. In college, frequently there are only final exams, so I get to read the topics only once. And with such short term memory, I forgot easily.

But my grades during the first two years pulled my average up. Especially in math... thank God fo that subject. I didn't even have to study and I can get perfect scores, while may people found it difficult. I wonder if I should have chosen that field, so I would be doing something I'm good at--- I would be proud of my work. With what i'm doing now, I seem so... mediocre.

I got accepted at all the medical schools that i applied to, except for one. It was understandable. They accept only few students at that med school, and I expected a lot of students would have higher grades than me with the way I screwed up my last two years in college. But I was still proud that my grades were high enough that I made it to the interview. I found comfort in the thought that if I only studied harder, I would surely get accepted. In the other med schools though, I was accepted with no problems. I was on the initial list of accepted applicants, not in wait lists.

The curriculum was problem based, which made me even more lax. There was so much free time--- free time that i'd rather spend doing anything else but to study.I still studied for an exam the night before, but with such a wide coverage for each exam, frequently I don't finish my readings. It's therefore amazing that I never failed an exam. I was proud of that fact, owing it to testmanship. i found solace with the thought that if I really studied, I would surely get high grades--- and I did, during those few modules that I found interesting, so I really studied. Most modules, however, were a big bore for me.

During internship, the big blow to my ego happened when I failed the oral exam on the first try, which seemed really simple that I never expected it. Then I had a really low grade during the final exam in medicine--- my score was on the bottom 10%! I never experienced getting such a low grade, even when I'm not studying! That was my first reality check. Maybe I wasn't as bright as i thought I was... or at least not as bright as before. i used to believe that I was still intelligent, i just wasn't studying enough. I believed that if I studied, I would still excel. But at times, I did study hard, but I still can't achieve what I have achieved before. It seems that with years of misuse and disuse, my brain has failed me and I have actually become stupid.

This week, I found out that I had a really low grade in the Board Exams. Yeah I know it doesn't matter what the grade is, what matters is that I passed--- but I can't help but feel a bit down. I almost failed, for crying out loud! okay, i'm exaggerating. But the fact remains that it's really a low score. Some have said that it's not a low score, but it's a low score for me because i'm not used to getting such grades. I don't care about grades of other people, I just compare my grades to myself--- my past self to be exact. Even though I was really scared before the results came out, because I found several portions very hard, and I wasn't fully prepared... i was still pretty sure that i would pass, because the final grade would be based on percentiles, and so far, with the law of averages, I would almost always manage to get an above average score. In the past, even if at times I never got to study, I never failed an exam --- maybe because I had enough stock knowledge. I have always been bound by the illusion that even without much effort, I can get higher grades than most. I could say i wasn't really prepared because I didn't really finish my readings during my review for the boards, but i know that reason won't suffice. What was really needed in answering the board exam questions is a great amount of stock knowledge. I was accepted in all the top universities in the country even if I didn't study for those entrance exams because I had a great deal of knowledge in stock. I can say the same when I took the national medical admission test. Because I had a great deal of stock knowledge, I reached the 98th percentile even if I did not study for it, and even if I didn't finish answering one portion. But with the haphazard studying I did in med school, no wonder I had limited stock knowledge now. I simply studied the night before, using short term memory for each exam, and forgetting all the knowledge afterwards. I seemed to have retained only the common concepts that were reiterated again and again so it stuck. With such limited stock knowledge, i wonder if I can be a good doctor. As of now, I seem to be very unprepared for this profession. I'm afraid to deal with patients on my own, for i would probably screw up. I'm in a profession where i'm not that good at, where I seem to be mediocre at best. At times, I wonder if I should have chosen a profession where I can use my skills in math. I may find the work boring, but I would be doing an excellent job. Now it seems even that skill has gone rusty. I find math problems difficult now, and i can't seem to recall and comprehend certain concepts, probably because of all these years of not using my skills in math. Now it seems that I'm not good at anything. Average at most, to being mediocre. What a downer.

Come to think of it, I'd rather be seen as a nerd who's uncool, than to be seen as someone who's cool but stupid. I wish I could turn back time. How wrong i was back then.

One shouldn't be ashamed when one is called a nerd--- one should take it as a compliment.

Being called a nerd is something to be proud of.