Even before this infection hit me, i've been feeling really down these past few weeks, i dunno why. About two months ago i was feeling fine. That was when i've come up with a plan, something that seemed really feasible back then, but it seems pretty bleak now. I wanted to give it another try, but then it hit me. If i didn't make it before when my chances were better, i guess i probably won't be able to make it now. I've been doing a lot of crazy things, things that i would never have done a few years or even a few months ago, when i was still my normal self. But with the way i'm feeling now, nothing really seems to matter anymore. who gives a shit about consequences, who gives a shit about personal values and convictions. who gives a shit about principles. Certainly not me. Whatever i do, whatever i choose not to do, it doesn't really matter since i'd be gone in a few years anyway. I don't care about anything anymore. I simply refuse to. I have become morally and spiritually numb.
All the shit that goes on around the world certainly does not help change my perspective. People aren't good by nature. That's nothing but a fucking myth. People are selfish. people are assholes. People are by nature destructive. There are a few good souls here and there, sure... but they are grossly outnumbered by the scummy majority. Humanity is not something worth caring for, it's not something worth fighting for. When the time comes that i have to leave this world, humanity is not something i would miss. It would be a great relief to be away from such horrible beings.
Maybe i'm just saying this because of the things that have been going on around me these past few weeks, all that shit has definitely put me in a pessimistic mood. but such things have been happening for the longest time right? I just wasn't aware of them before. It's just not my family. It's not just about what's happening to my close friends. It's about what's happening everywhere around the world. Grave robbers continue to loot my grandparent's mausoleum. I dunno how we can stop them from doing so. My close friend's dad was killed 2 weeks ago, when drunkards beat him up real bad for no logical reason resulting in a traumatic head injury. And then i look at what happened in norway. in london. What's still happening in the middle east. It's as if all sense of reason has gone out the window. Civilization has regressed to its barbaric nature. It's as if humane and ethical means of solving problems and voicing our grievances have become totally unheard of. There can be no peace because man is by nature primitive and violent. Who can be optimistic when everywhere you look, there's nothing to be optimistic about? When even the educated show glaring signs of stupidity, when even the so called intelligent ones aren't capably of sound reasoning? I'm not really being pessimistic, i'm just being realistic. There's a fine line between those two things, the same fine line that separates optimism from stupidity. I see a lot of things wrong with the world, and that surely doesn't make me stupid. I'd rather call things as i see them, and not pretend that everything is fine and dandy when it's clearly not. I have valid reasons for feeling this way, i have reasons for being depressed. People say i have a lot of things to be thankful for, they say that i'm luckier than most, but are those enough reasons to be happy? Are those enough reasons to keep on smiling and basically ignore everything that's wrong in our lives? Anyone who says that this world is worth fighting for, that this world is worth living for is either ignorant or a liar. I'd rather die now and be free from all the crap the world throws at me than to continue living more years in a lie. As i've said, i'm not being pessimistic. I'm just being real.
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