No Regrets

The last day of each year always puts me in a pensive mood. A time for reflection... about the things I've done, the things I should have done instead... what has been and what could have been... thinking of the future, making plans. Looking back at the same time last year, thinking of my outlook back then, my expectations... the thing's I've done to meet those expectations, and whether or not those expectations have been met. A few hours ago, I've been in touch again with a few friends from where i used to work. What started as new year greetings turned into several exchanges of text messages. I told them I was fine--- not really happy, but i am fine. Some seemed to believe me, some obviously didn't. I guess looking at things through their perspective, it may be a bit difficult to believe that I was feeling okay. Some of them are people that I'm not really close to. They knew the circumstances behind my resignation, and then they witnessed my pathetic attempt to repeat everything. i was in direct contact with them during that month, but afterward, they haven't heard a thing from me. Most of them have this feeling of regret, on how I've wasted an opportunity, how I've wasted the past two years... In a few hours they'll be third year residents, and I would have been a third year resident also if I never left. I would have been a senior resident, instead of languishing indefinitely in the starting position. They may not believe me when I say this, but I really have no regrets. To them the past year may not have been productive for me, but I've managed to do many things this year, ranging from the superficial to those that had a great impact in my life --- things I could not have possibly done if I stayed. Among those things---

I've rediscovered my passion for videogaming! The PSP rocks! It's been years since I've last played a videogame that I have apparently forgotten the simple joys that videogames bring.

New hobbies like surfing! I never would've thought I'd have so much fun being enveloped in failure! LOL.

I've learned how to ACTUALLY look good. I changed my hairstyle, my wardrobe completely overhauled. Just looking at my pictures from three years ago, with all those baggy clothes and military style/ nerdy style hair, I couldn't help but cringe.

TV shows! I haven't watched a TV show for 3 whole years before I resigned! If I didn't leave, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to watch such brilliant TV shows such as Prison Break, Pushing Daisies, Supernatural... and even Heroes, whose first season was absolutely spectacular, it still manages to redeem the horrible second and third seasons.

I managed to have a social life again. I missed the bar scene, I longed for it after all those months of being trapped in one hospital.

I've managed to go to places I've never been before, places I've always wanted to go to, places that I'll never forget for as long as I live.

Having more free time means I'm usually available for different gatherings. I've managed to reconnect with old friends, and make new ones in the process... not just mere acquaintances, but genuine people that I'd probably be friends with for the rest of my life.

I've learned to see the world in a different light. Working at other institutions opened my eyes to the different realities in this world.

I've met really great people. These people taught me new things, they've made me see things through different perspectives. They're the type of people who have managed to touch my life, taught me to be thankful for what I have, inspired me to take action, to reassess my priorities, fight for my principles, and directed me towards the right path that I should take in this life.

I have to admit, a part of me still regrets my haphazard decision on that fateful month in 2007. Heck, if I had not resigned, I would have been a third year surgical resident by now. I wouldn't be a bottom feeder anymore, I'd be someone who actually has balls. The years go by so fast, those two years of being like some sort of slave without a mind of your own would be over in a flash. I imagine what my life would have been like at this point if I held on...but just by looking at that list I made above, a lot of good things still came out of that haphazard decision. Looking at my life from a distance, looking at all the pros and cons, the positives and the negatives, I would still say I've had a good year over all. I've managed to do things I would not have been able to do if I maintained the life of a drone. And because of that, I can honestly say that I have no regrets. I hope that the coming year would be as fruitful, if not more fruitful than the year 2008.

Here's to new beginnings. :)

Gunning For Gluttony

So we were having a family dinner at a restaurant earlier today. We brought our grandmother with us, she's finally strong enough again and able to walk short distances. As usual, a lot of food were ordered, a lot of them high in salt, high in fat, plus a bunch of those that are high in sugar for dessert--- yup, all things that are not supposed to be eaten by my grandmother. She ordered a separate meal for herself, a bland diet that would finally make her doctor proud. I guess the fact that her last stay at the hospital was such a close call finally got to her. Whereas before she would order anything she wanted--- all those that are high in salt, high in fat, high in sugar... even blurting out lines such as, "just kill me if you won't allow me to eat what I want!!!"... this time she was obeying her doctor's orders. I actually found it amusing. I can no longer count the times when I caught her eating something that she wasn't supposed to be eating, only putting on a smile as she held onto the food on her mouth, like a child who was caught doing something he or she was not allowed to. I can no longer count the times I've found a hidden stash of junk food in her room--- under her bed, in her closet, wherever. She was every doctor's nightmare--- the type of patient who is a high risk for everything, and yet refused to comply with the doctor's orders. She was so stubborn, saying she'd rather die than to live like a prisoner, and yet when she experiences her usual bouts of dizziness, chills, and difficulty of breathing, she looks so helpless, begging for immediate rescue from everyone. She says she'd rather die as long as she's able to do what she wants, yet in those moments of weakness, it's so obvious that she desperately wants to cling on to life. At those times, I always have the urge to ignore her for even a few minutes just to teach her a lesson. Nothing seemed to make her realize that she needs to change her lifestyle, not even those repeated confinements at the hospital. But miraculously, this time, it seems that she has finally had an awakening.

Then our food was served. Without warning, my dad put several servings of all that high in salt, high in fat food on my grandmother's plate. I gave him THAT look. He asked me what's the problem. He said it was the holidays so it's okay to veer from one's diet. What a stupid excuse--- the type of excuse you'd expect from hard headed patients and their incredibly stubborn families. Then he said he was only giving her small servings. SMALL SERVINGS?! I wouldn't call that small servings, he gave her more than what my sisters were eating! As for my grandmother? I thought she finally learned her lesson... and yet she ate EVERYTHING.

Geez, the next time she goes into another one of those attacks, don't they dare ask me again what's causing it. She's causing her own problems, and the family is aggravating matters by patronizing her. It's a vicious cycle that would go on and on until the final days of her life.

Bound by Blood

I've never been really close to my brother. I've lived with him all my life, we're the grandchildren who were left in our grandparents' house when our parents decided to move to another home. We shared a room when we were little, and he was my constant playmate during childhood--- still, we never really had a strong bond. For one thing, he was my constant enemy when we were growing up. Almost every day during our play sessions, what started out as fun would turn into arguments, and almost always those arguments would give rise to full blown fist fights. I guess that's a logical consequence when you're fond of playing war games. We fought about a lot of other things, like who gets first dibs at the bathroom, who gets to use the car... a lot stemming out from our differences--- little things that would start out as trivial, suddenly turning into huge quarrels. No matter how much we look alike, especially when he became health conscious during our late teens and lost a lot of weight--- to the point that people thought we were twins, we are very different from each other. We're not just slightly different... some of our differences turn us into complete opposites. For instance, regarding our tastes in music, he likes anything sung by African American artists, be it hip hop or RNB. I prefer alternative rock, and I love heavy metal music--- I love listening to all that noise every time I need to vent off. And I hate hip hop music because to my ears, one hip hop song sounds almost exactly like the others. You can just imagine the arguments that would follow by simply turning the CD player on. Our rooms are next to each other, and when one of us is sleeping or needs to study, the urge to destroy the other person's CD player is very hard to resist. Based on our personal traits, he's the vain one, and I was the one who did not care about looks. He's the more athletic one. He's the more sociable one. If I had to pick up a certain stereotype when we were growing up, In a typical high school setting, he'd be Mr. Popularity and I'd be that EMO- grunge kid who simply didn't give a fuck. Growing up, at least to my parent's eyes, I was the rebel, and he was the obedient son. He was the health conscious one, the religious one, the one who was more buff, the one who shared more interests with my dad--- no wonder he's his favorite son. He's the one with a stable job, the one who gets a huge income, the one who's financially stable. He's the son who didn't give them any problems. He's the son who makes them proud. On the other hand, I was the one who started smoking at an early age and was stupid enough to get caught, I was the one who was on the verge of becoming an alcoholic, I was the one who tried drugs, I was the one who was fond of wrecking cars, I was the one who always answered back, i was the one who tried to fight back, I was the one that my parents found hard to understand. I was the one who always had issues, the son they couldn't pry open because I refused to speak up and always chose to keep things to myself. Presently, I'm the one with no stable job, the one with no stable income, the one with no definite future. I'm the one who still kept giving them problems. When I'm introduced to guests, they say I'm a doctor... and that's that. That's all there is to say, nothing else follows.

All those comparisons made between us definitely weren't helping. For some reason, our parents thought that putting us into some sort of competition would make us grow into better persons. Every time our grades from school would come out, they would compare our grades and say things like "why couldn't you be more like your brother", even though the difference between our grades weren't that much. And since he usually gets better grades, more often I was on the receiving end of such lines. Every time I went home drunk, every time I would do something stupid, every time I did something that they did not approve of, be it regarding my career, my habits, my personal beliefs, the people I choose to be friends with... I still hear that line. My brother was the ideal one, and I was the problem child. All those comparisons made me steadily despise him while we were growing up, and they only served to drive the wedge between us even deeper.

In recent years, we've had less arguments, and I can't seem to recall the last time we had a major fight that resulted to battered bodies and bruised egos. I guess that's just a natural result of becoming adults. We still don't talk much since our interests are still very different. We can't even talk about work since the jargon used in the marketing and medical fields are very very different. But we did have several opportunities to bond. An out of town trip early this year, then going on several surfing trips during the last quarter of the year. And yeah, we've had several drinking sessions during those times, making us seemingly closer to each other from the point of view of another person. But most of the times, we're just civil to each other. We still lived in the same house, yet we hardly talk to each other. But at least we don't fight with each other anymore. Sometimes when I watch Prison Break or Supernatural, I wonder why we couldn't be like those brothers who are incredibly close to each other, to the point that they would do anything for each other. I guess we were simply not meant to be like that.

December 25th of this year. I was time to open our Christmas presents. One of the gifts he gave me was a book entitled Strength Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath, with the words "Now, Discover Your Strengths!" highlighted above the title. My thoughts were--- WTF?! A self- help/ inspirational book?! Jeez, did he actually think I would read this shit? What gift would I expect from someone who doesn't really know me. I just tossed the book in a pile of junk in my room and then left our house because I had to go someplace else.

When I got home, I found the book in my bed. Even in my half-drunken state I was certain I did not leave it there. I guess someone put it there, probably him, I don't know. I opened the book and saw that he wrote something on one of the flyleaves.

Hey Big Brother!

I know you may may think that reading this book is a waste of your time, but I still hope you would try reading it. I believe it will help you discover your strengths, as well as your true character. I think this will greatly and positively impact your professional career as well as your personal life.

I hope it helps you become the world's best doctor, regardless of the specialization you choose. Please tell me your top 5 themes after you've read this book, and then I'll tell you mine. By doing so, I believe we can understand each other better.

Merry Christmas!

First of all... Eew. My initial thought was: The asshole must be high when he wrote this down. I felt a sudden chill, and not in a good way. I'm not the type of person who's into Hallmark/ Kodak moments. And even if I did tend to have several of those moments in recent years, I would never have imagined having one with a member of the same gender, most especially NOT my brother. To be blunt, that letter he wrote was nauseating.

Then I read the note again. It must be the alcohol, but when I read it for the second time, i couldn't help but smile. This time I felt another chill, but in a good way. I suddenly felt sentimental. I still think the book he gave is a piece of crap, but I realize that he meant well. I can't deny all that sincerity. I guess he does know me, at least more than the average person. I guess all this time he was a silent observer, seeing through my smiling facade, knowing that I'm not fine even when I say I am, even when I don't tell him anything. It wouldn't take a genius to figure out that my life isn't exactly fine and dandy right now. If some of the people I work with can see it, did I honestly think that a person I lived with couldn't? And yeah, no matter how cheesy it sounds, I guess he does care. And I guess, like me, he also sometimes wonders why couldn't we be as close as some of the brothers we know out there.

It's never to late to start. No time like the present.

What Evil Lurks

... In the hearts of men.

Last night's tour of duty at the emergency room was more tiring than usual. Trauma patients came in one after the other. As expected, a lot of patients came in because of injuries due to vehicular accidents--- an ominous sign that Christmas is fast approaching... the number of accidents resulting from drunk driving has been steadily increasing. The other trauma patients suffered from stab wounds and gunshot wounds... another ominous sign of the season. All were held up, asked to surrender their valuables, and ended up getting stabbed or shot when they refused. What is it with the Christmas season that pushes several individuals to such means? Is the pressure to provide happiness to their own families for at least one day each year too great, that some people would resort to such violent methods? Do such selfish ends justify such means? The Christmas season may bring out the best in people--- those who are aloof suddenly become caring, those who are selfish suddenly turn selfless... yet it also has the tendency to bring the worst in us.

I remember about a month ago, while I was stuck in traffic, I witnessed with my own eyes a scene that I'd probably remember for the rest of my life. First I saw a man running as fast as he could, with one hand on his side, blood flowing between his fingers. Then several seconds later another man was apparently running after him, full of hate in his eyes, with a huge knife on one hand, shouting expletives as he was approaching his target. Murder was definitely in his eyes, oblivious to the world around him. The fact that a lot of witnesses were around him did not seem to faze him. I never knew what happened afterward, I didn't leave my car. I didn't see it in the evening news... maybe the man escaped, or maybe such events are already commonplace that the media do not consider such things as news.

What would it take for us to act completely out of character? What would exactly drive us to commit cold blooded murder? If man is inherently good, why are we capable of such horrible acts that make us seem made of nothing but pure evil? This season was meant for love and giving, for forgiveness and sharing. How could it be an impetus for acts that completely do the opposite? If this season could be distorted by the selfish motives of several men, I couldn't help but think that evil may be inherent in some of us. No matter how we sugar coat it, no matter how hard we try to hide it, when all the garnishing has been set aside, our eyes would bear witness to the ugly truth. Not all men are inherently good. We may not be inherently anything at all. Our future decisions are derived form past actions, not form something we were born with. Out of need , out of necessity or out of pure want, some of us commit actions that most people would never do. It would be safe to conclude that some of us are simply meant to be monsters rather than human.

Ramblings.

Whoa. It's been almost a month since I've last updated this blog! I've been a bit busy during the first two weeks of December, and just when I was about to post something...

BROADBAND BLUES

Our broadband modem conked out on me. I haven't been able to go online for about a week. It wouldn't have taken that long if only our Internet service provider immediately sent a technician to our house to check on the modem. For some reason, they found it hard to believe that the modem that they've provided would be broken after only two years. They must think I'm someone who doesn't know anything about computers. They kept suggesting that I try this and that, a lot of troubleshooting for the usual problems. I did as they said because they wouldn't send anyone unless they're absolutely sure that the modem was broken--- and as expected, nothing worked. It wasn't the software, it wasn't the LAN card, it wasn't the cable. It was the god damned modem!!! So when they finally agreed to send someone, it took three whole days before someone actually came. After sales support form our ISP definitely SUCKS.

THE TWILIGHT ZONE

That's where i thought I was when I was watching that piece of crap movie entitled TWILIGHT. The sound of all those girls gushing and screeching in the background made the entire experience even more nauseating. For the life of me, I could never understand why some people have been praising this film to high heavens. And I could never begin to understand what's with all that hype. Maybe I just can't appreciate this film because I never liked romantic films to begin with. Maybe I couldn't appreciate this film because i wasn't in the mood for something brainless when I went inside the movie theater. From what I could gather, I guess you could only appreciate this film if:

a) you are a girl within the age bracket of 6-16, and therefore do not look for much depth in movies.

b) you are a girl who is a hopeless romantic.

c) you are a girl with some serious vampire fetish.

d) you are a girl who's a sucker for any movie with a hint of romance

or

e) you are a guy who thinks like a hopelessly romantic teenage girl with a vampire fetish who's also a sucker for any movie with a hint of romance.

As for the rest of the human race, we're better off watching something else. Okay, so it's not really that bad. The basic premise, although littered with several cliches and a number of misses, is actually quite interesting. Kinda like Buffy 90210, if you're into that sort of thing. Heck, I've seen movies released on the big screen that are far worse--- but I expected something more because of all the hype surrounding this film. The whole movie feels like a B movie--- from the cheesy acting, to the corny dialogue, to the lame special effects. I would put it on the same level as The Covenant, which was released a few years ago. If people saw that film for what it really was, I wonder why they can't see through Twilight.

Yeesh. I'm still wondering if I could ever get those two hours of my life back.

TO STAY OR TO GO

Incidentally, me and my friend from where I used to work have reached an agreement. We've decided to take up residency in the USA, having realized that the future is really bleak for young physicians in this country. He has already resigned from where we used to work and we're on the process of studying all those things we've learned in med school again, and hopefully we could take the first exam (out of four) by March or April. And yeah, my dad agreed with this plan, but he says i have to go back here after my training--- haha. not if I can help it. Things holding me back? Yup, there's still my principles, that i'd rather serve my own countrymen, but I guess I would be able to adapt after some time. That's something I could get over with. Loneliness? I could live without my family and friends, part of me relishes being a loner anyway. On the back of my mind, there's only one thing really holding me back...

THE MATRIARCH

Yeah, my grandmother's been awfully sick AGAIN lately. Her doctor already told us last year that she's already counting the days, give or take a few years. She definitely won't make it for another decade, with the myriad of diseases in her system. She was rushed to the hospital two weeks ago, she was already in heart failure. Prior to that, another encounter with the father, about me not being able to recognize that she was in heart failure, about me being seemingly aloof and not caring at all. I've already posted about my issues in this blog, on why I seem not to care, that I'm starting to sound like a broken record. I don't like being a doctor. I hate internal medicine the most, the realm in which her diseases fall into. I hate the fact that even at home I can't escape from the thing I hate the most. To make matters worse, I find the immense pressure of treating my own grandmother hard to take, and the lofty expectations of my family making it even more difficult. She'd make an pretty good case presentation--- one that I would find very hard to present. Diabetes, myocardial infarction, heart failure, recurrent urinary tract infection, nephropathy, hypertension, recurrent pneumonia, and just recently, squamous cell carcinoma, which was already excised a week ago, but we're still awaiting the final pathology report.... hey, at least that last one's surgical... and yet I failed to recognize the lesion for what it really was. D-OH! Yeah, on one hand, I'd be glad to leave. It would be great to be away from all that pressure. It would be a relief to finally escape. But on the other hand, I'd be away for more or less five years. I'd hate to be away when she finally croaks... I owe a lot to her, almost my entire state of being. In spite of everything, in my heart I know I really love her and I'd hate to see her go.

WEDDING BELLS

Back to my friend from where I used to work. We've been having several discussions, one of which was the process of residency applications... which programs were feasible for us, which ones were hard to get to, how to make it easier to get accepted... The fact that the US is in recession won't be a problem since healthcare is one of those sectors not affected by the recession. i.e. there are no massive layoffs, and hiring is still on the upswing. Then he says something about having a better shot at getting into the program we like if we were citizens of that country. He's planning to marry his girlfriend this year, and that girl is a US citizen. As for me? He suggested that I marry his sister, who's also a US citizen (his family migrated years ago). Instantly, my eyes popped. What the fuck?! I'm not going to marry someone I don't even know! He says it would be okay with his sister, we don't really need to be together, and we could easily get a divorce after. I couldn't help but laugh. Was he serious? Apparently, he was. But I just couldn't agree with him. Even if I knew her, I can't marry someone I don't love. Heck, I don't even believe in the sacrament of marriage in the first place, so I don't give a fuck about religious ramifications. And even if it was okay with her, marrying her for the reason of residency applications would be blatantly using her. I just can't do that. Using someone for selfish gains is against my principles.

But there's that wild, foolish side of me that got a bit excited with the prospect of a shotgun marriage. There's that sort of thrill when I think about the idea of getting married just for the heck of it. So who knows? It's going to be a long 2009 for me, full of promise, different paths to take, a chance for a fresh start. Let's just see how things turn out. LOL. :)

Oh yeah...

MERRY CHRISTMAS

May it be a yuletide season for all of us. :)

Surf's Up!

I just tried surfing for the first time last weekend. My brother and several of my cousins have been surfing for two years now. They have been asking me to join them, but my work schedule isn't exactly what you can call "recreational activity friendly". It's not really my cup of tea, but I wanted to try surfing just for the heck of it. And let's admit, surfing is a pretty cool sport. I didn't have work last weekend, so I finally went with them with no preparation whatsoever.

My first attempts were horrible. It was one wipe out after another. I could only manage to stand on that damn board for a few seconds before falling. The weather wasn't even cooperating. It was drizzling, and the waves we're quite high--- definitely not suitable for beginners. It was like learning to ride a bike all over again--- only harder. I was trying to keep my balance on an ever changing terrain. Many times I thought it was a futile exercise in maintaining balance. Trying to surf was so frustrating!

...But i just couldn't stop trying. Even though I had a very low success rate, surfing is still so much fun! And that feeling I felt the first time I did it? Such joy is priceless. I believe I've found a new passion. I can't wait to go surfing again!

Now I have to try and keep most of my weekends free next year. hehe. :)

Alternative Career

A funny thing happened while I was on vacation down south this past weekend. It was actually embarrassing and I felt uneasy the whole time--- but looking back, it guess it was an experience that I would laugh about every time I would remember it.

So we went to this bar that apparently catered primarily to foreigners. Right off the bat, a woman who I assume to be Korean, probably in her late thirties--- approached me and was pulling me up the stage where she was already dancing minutes earlier. She's not unattractive, but she's not a head turner either. The fact that she was obviously drunk made her more unappealing, every word she spoke reeked of alcohol. I didn't want to go up, but since she was persistent and I was the type of person who found it hard to say no when people become persistent--- I obliged. I didn't dance though, I basically just stood in front of her while she danced while whispering her blabberings. She kept giving me compliments, about my looks, how I smelled... Then she started saying she loved me and that she wanted to take me home. After a few minutes, she got distracted and I took the opportunity to go back to our table, but she followed me and pulled me towards her table. Again she said the same things, but she became more physical. She kissed my neck, licked my ears (I know, gross.) She tried to kiss me on the lips, good thing I managed to turn my head just in time. Each time I tried to pull away, she hugged me tighter. I couldn't think of a possible way to escape without physically hurting her. In her drunken state, she'd probably make a huge commotion if I hurt her. One of her companions sat on the chair in front of us, but he just laughed. Crap. I tried making several excuses but nothing seemed to work--- and my friends weren't helping me either! She then told me where they were staying (which was exactly the same resort where we stayed, D-OH! ), saying she'll take me there, take care of me, make me happy, blah blah blah. I managed to go back to the other table where my friends were seated, but she still followed. Good thing her other companions came, saying it was time to leave. When one of her male friends got mad at her, that seemed to shake her out of her drunken state somewhat. But before leaving, she asked me if I really didn't want to come with her. And here's the clincher--- when I said NO, she asked me what would it take. She asked me HOW MUCH.

I guess that broadens my horizons. When my present career doesn't work out and I eventually go bankrupt, I already have an alternative career to take.

Hehe. Just Kidding. :D

Dragon Ball Z Movie?!

That's a photo of Goku from the live action--- that's right... LIVE ACTION DRAGON BALL Z movie that will be released next year. What the heck were they thinking?!

I was a huge Dragon Ball Z fan, but I find it hard to get excited by this movie. I don't even feel nostalgic--- because unlike Transformers or even the upcoming adaptation of Voltron, a live action Dragon Ball movie just doesn't seem right. I can't imagine those characters in a real world setting.

Although I'm trying to hold my initial impressions until I see the trailer this December, I'm already willing to bet that this will be one hell of a stinker. This early, we already have a nominee for the biggest bomb of 2009.

more pictures at ign.com.

Square One

I couldn't help but smile. But there’s that underlying feeling of uncertainty that prevents it from being a full blown smile.

It’s no secret that I didn’t really want to go back to the place where I used to work. I was practically forced to re-apply. So being my mischievous self, I devised a plan of sorts. I applied for a different program, because I knew my dad didn’t know any of the consultants in that department which would prevent any under the table deals. The fact that they would only be accepting two applicants means there would be lesser chances of me getting accepted. But--- it was a program that I did like… so in case I got the job, I would’ve gone through with it. I would even treasure the position since it’s a very competitive slot. I said during the interview that it’s okay if I don’t get accepted for the straight TCVS program--- that’s true. I also said it was okay if they give me a slot in the general surgery program instead, the same program I was in last year--- that’s a big lie. No way would I be repeating that experience, even more now that I’ve experienced first hand how easier life would be if I choose to be in a subspecialty program.

So yeah, the plan worked perfectly. Everything went according to plan. The brightest of the bunch got one position, and what I would suspect someone with strong connections got the other--- with her lousy performance during pre-residency, I doubt if she got in fairly. Don’t get me wrong, no way am I being bitter. I would’ve been fine either way. One consultant called me up offering me the general surgery slot, which I said I would take in the event that I wouldn’t get accepted in the TCVS program. It’s also the position promised to my dad by his friends in the department--- and guess what? I said NO. LOL. I just said I was uncertain before that’s why I said I would accept the position during the interview, and it’s only now that I have realized that I really wouldn’t want to take it. If I really wanted that, I wouldn’t have resigned last year. If I really wanted that, I would have chosen that position as my first choice. My dad is still in abroad on his business trip, and by the time he gets home it will be too late for him to do anything. Oh yeah, there will be fireworks. All hell is going to break loose. It’s going to be war all over again, but I think it’s about time he let go of his dream of having his son finish residency in that stupid institution--- we’ve been in a standstill for far too long. I’m not a complete asshole--- I sometimes pity him, I see the great efforts that he’s making to bring me back, and I bet he had to swallow a lot of pride, which is very difficult for him, being the person he is… but it’s not something that I want. It’s really difficult to live the live others want for you and not the life you want for yourself. It’s been this way for far too long, and it’s making my life more difficult. It’s bad enough as it is.

For the first time in weeks, I couldn’t help but smile. But there’s that lingering feeling of doubt, whether or not I made the right choice… it could be that I’m just letting my tendency to be hard headed take control again. Then there’s that feeling of uncertainty--- where do I go from here? The whole experience may be a blessing since other opportunities have opened up for me, but I have no idea which path to take. I’m back to square one again. Crap, it’s been two years after graduating from med school, and I still don’t know what I really want. Part of me wants to stay here, part of me wants to go away. The financial rewards are far greater abroad, but I may not have the same satisfaction that I get when treating patients in my own country… and yeah, I could only imagine myself in the surgical field, I can’t imagine myself as a primary care physician in the fields of internal medicine, family medicine, pediatrics etc. for the rest of my life…. and those are the feasible residency programs a foreigner could get in the US! I could still choose to apply in the surgical fields, but they say it would be very difficult. So it’s a choice between the easy way that I don’t really want, or the hard way that I really want. Man, how I hated internal medicine in med school… I’m not sure if I could do that and just think about the financial rewards, even though I get no fulfillment in what I’m doing because I’d be treating my work as a chore.

Crap, crap, crap. Decisions, decisions, decisions. I have to arrive at a definite decision as soon as possible and stick with it. After all, I’m not getting any younger.

Fair Weathered

Crap.I hate losing friends this way.

It would've have been easier to accept if we had a huge fight or something. Losing a friend this way is just plain stupid. And the fact that I've lost several friends this way is just exasperating.

So yeah, there was this girl, who I got to know three years ago when I was still a medical intern and she was one of those students following interns around for medical purposes. A year later, when I got to know her better, she admitted that she had a crush on me then--- someone she viewed as plain eye candy, with nothing much inside the head. Someone who was just nice to look at, but not someone you'd take seriously. But since she go to know me better, all that superficial attraction that she felt for me got lost... at least that's what she said back then.

So yeah, knowing that she felt no attraction whatsoever, I felt more comfortable with her. She kept on sending text messages, asking for help with med stuff at first, then later on just idle chatting, so yeah we became closer. The fact that i discovered that she still liked me somewhat (through her blog that she didn't know I was ware of) didn't become a hindrance... she was good company, I enjoyed the conversations we had, she was there every time I needed help, and she was willing to listen every time I felt down. Even though we seldom see each other personally, we still became close... I even began referring to her as a level two friend early this year. My close friends have pointed out that getting to know me is like getting to know three different individuals. To my acquaintances, I'm that shy guy, who seldom speaks out. Yeah, I'm mostly silent when I'm with people I don't know yet--- possibly because people might get the shock of their lives once I reveal my usual self immediately. LOL. Most people know me as that happy go lucky guy who always smiles, that guy who does crazy things ever so often... that's the part of me that I show people who I've gotten to know better. It's not really a facade--- I'm really that type of person. It's just that there's a part of me that I choose to stay hidden. That brooding, pensive guy, who has so much emotional baggage, that very few people can handle that much emotional weight... that's why I choose to reveal that side only to a few people--- those people that I'm really close to, those people that can surely handle that side of me without looking at me differently. Not just an ordinary level 1 friend, but a level 2 friend--- someone who knows the real me. She was one of those people.

Two weeks ago, she felt the need to fuck it up. For some reason, she was getting jealous of this friend of hers who I'm always with. She said that this other girl likes me also, and the fact that I'm with her almost everyday might lead me to liking her also. So she revealed everything. She wasn't turned off by my crazy side. She found that boyish appeal charming, but she still thought of me as simply eye candy then, not someone you'd be in a relationship with. She said she fell for me when I revealed to her my emotional side. Most people who choose to stay away, but when I revealed to her the things I normally hide, that was when she saw me as someone that wasn't superficial. Even our talks made her realize that i was intelligent, not just some airhead like all the other eye candies. And I was always there for her when she needed help and comfort--- something I do to all my level 2 friends, that she apparently mistook for something more. So yeah, she thought there could be a chance that we could be something more, that's why she revealed everything. She says better to know for sure, rather than wondering her whole life if it could've been.

Even if I knew that she had feelings for me, it's easier to pretend when it's not said out loud. i could pretend that I wasn't aware of that. But now, everything's awkward. She said at first that she doesn't feel awkward. She actually felt better because now she knows for certain that I don't see her that way and now she could move on and start liking other guys... with was apparently a ton of BS. I've read one of her blogs saying that she wasn't happy, and that she was mad at me for seemingly not caring about her feelings. Every time a GIRL gets emotional, I have to scratch my head and shout WHAT THE FUCK??!!!

Not caring about her feelings?! she was the one who started this whole mess because she felt she had to confess her feelings! I did not do anything! If I hurt her by not doing anything, If i hurt her feelings, I did not mean to. It was not intentional... I mean, what was I supposed to do?! Pretend that I also had feelings for her?! This also happened way back in high school when some girl also did a grand revelation. Her friends expected mo to feel the same way she did, but since I did not, I was immediately labelled as a villain. They hated my guts, because I hurt their friends feelings by not feeling the same way she did. Jesus Christ. What an incredibly selfish and self centered way of thinking. Seriously, the way females think are so majorly fucked up at times! Could it be because of all those hormones in their blood clogging up the vessels in their brains?!

The last message I got from my previously level 2 friend? One day before she said she wishes I could get over my awkward phase so that things would be back to the way it was... then she suddenly makes a complete turnaround by saying she's not sure if we could still be friends, and that she wishes me a good life. So I guess that's her way of saying goodbye. All those years of friendship thrown away just like that. Jesus Christ. Trying to understand a fucked up female mind would definitely fuck up my mind as well.

This Halloween's Obligatory Horror Movie...

THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN.

First of all--- no horror movie should ever be given such a funny sounding title, even if that's the title of the source material. Maybe it's just me, but to me that title simply takes all the horror away.

Earlier this year, horror fans made a huge fuss on why this film's theatrical release kept on getting postponed... they made an even bigger uproar when Lionsgate Films decided to release this movie in just a handful of theaters in the US (100 theaters to be exact... with no promotion whatsoever) , effectively making it a semi-direct to video release. Since I was in the mood for something horrifying, I figured I might as well watch this movie and see what all the fuss was about.

This movie is based on a short story of the same title by Clive Barker, taken from his Books of Blood collection. The story is relatively simple--- the main character is Leon, a struggling photographer who never seems to get that big break. Upon the advice of a dealer, he took it upon himself to catch the spirit of the city in his photographs. One night, he photographs a woman on a subway station, and this woman turns up missing the next morning. Upon returning to the scene, he discovers that a butcher... uh--- butchers his hapless victims on the late train.

Maybe it's because I'm so used to horror movies that no horror movie could scare me anymore, or maybe it's because I've seen so much blood and gore in real life that I have become so desensitized... but I just didn't find this movie horrifying. For one thing, the special effects take away from all the horror that they were supposed to convey... I mean, how can anyone be horrified when blood has that orange tinge, when eyeballs look like plastic, when the subway itself looks like something from a videogame cut scene--- I found it hard to be affected by all that gore when it all looked so fake. If those scenes were only done in a more realistic manner, I imagine some people might close their eyes or look away... but with the way those scenes were executed, I couldn't help but find them comedic. There are some moments that were genuinely tense, but save for the bizarre final act (that's actually typical if you're accustomed to the world of Clive Barker) the entire movie succumbs to the usual trappings of slasher/ horror movies. We've seen all those scare tactics before, and they were done more effectively. Overall, the movie is quite effective for a few scares, and i wouldn't call it bad... I just wouldn't call it a classic either. I guess Lionsgate Films decided to dump this movie on the direct to video bin because it does seem like a direct to video B movie at times. It's quite a shame though, because this movie is a lot better than most horror movies that get a theatrical release these days.

Supernatural

It was easy to dismiss this show as a teeny bopper show that was just trying to be edgy. Heck, the casting of the two male leads was obviously to entice a female audience to watch this show. Plus, it's shown on the CW network--- the home of cheesefests such as Smallville, Charmed, Gilmore Girls, Gossip Girl, the newly unearthed 90210, plus a whole lot of others. Could you blame me for initially thinking that this show was like all those other shows?

Good thing I'm a sucker for any show dealing with demons, monsters, and the like. Good thing I'm a sucker for a good scare. Good thing I'm a sucker for any show that has a lot of blood and gore. And I have to admit, there's been a huge hole in my heart ever since Buffy The Vampire Slayer went off the air, and no TV show, no matter how gory or campy, could seem to fill it. So yeah, I began watching Supernatural on its 3rd season. And I liked what I've seen so much, that I had to buy the first two seasons immediately. Oh Yeah, there was THAT sense of urgency.

I admit, the first season seemed a bit teeny bopperish, but it had that edge that didn't feel pretentious at all. It really felt genuine. Case in point, that episode with the painting (episode 19) was genuinely scary. Unlike the other shows in the CW network, Supernatural sticks out like a sore thumb because the show was meant to be taken seriously even if it dealt with subjects matters that were more of within the realm of fantasy. And with each succeeding season, the special effects became better, the episodes became bloodier, and most importantly, the story arcs grew darker and more sinister--- you wouldn't care anymore even if their initial target audience consisted of shrieking females aged 13-20 who were looking for something to fill up that void left by Charmed. I thought the story arc in the protracted third season was great... but from what I've seen with the first few episodes this season... with the grand battle between good and evil looming... the direction in which the series is going seems to be nothing short of phenomenal. Angels walking among us- the grand coming of Lucifer kind of phenomenal... those are big words coming from someone who's agnostic. Supernatural is definitely one of the best shows this season, and I'd definitely recommend it to anyone--- fans of horror and fantasy, teeny boppers looking for a good scare, emo kids and goths looking for dark materials, peers looking for something to watch on DVD this Halloween...

like I said, anyone. :)

The Subspecialty Schedule

I mentioned before that i applied for the straight fellowship program in thoracic and cardiovascular surgery (TCVS)--- that means I only have to take up general surgery for 3 years instead of the usual 5 years, then I could proceed to fellowship training which would last for another three years. To give us a glimpse of our possible life for the next six years, pre-residency this time around had me rotating in general surgery for two weeks, while the latter half would have me rotating in TCVS.

I've been rotating in TCVS for about a week now, and I just have to say that the difference between general surgery and any sub specialty (TCVS, urology, plastic surgery) is like night and day. Everything is organized--- it's possible in general surgery, and I kept on wondering why they can't seem to fix things. In terms of schedule? I couldn't be more happier. I can squeeze a few hours of sleep even when I'm on duty. I can go home every three days. During week days, i can go home as early as 7 PM. I had time to go to the gym. On weekends, we're done by 11 AM! And today, I'm on call, yet I've managed to go to the mall and buy a few clothes, watch a movie, and eat a decent meal... I even went to a bar a few hours ago! LOL. Good thing there were no emergency cases. I was back in the hospital just in time to log in. :)

Come to think of it, going back at the same hospital isn't so bad--- as long as I'll be going back under the TCVS program. I'm familiar with everything already, I already know a lot of people here, asking for favors would be much easier... during the first two weeks while I was still in general surgery, I immediately remembered why I left this place... seeing all the things I hated--- things haven't improved... in some aspect, they have worsened. But in TCVS--- I believe I could live like this. Yeah, I would still have to go through three years of no life in general surgery, for three whole years this hospital would swallow my entire life again... but after that, it would be three years of getting my life back, with the added bonus of surgical training. I guess that's a fair exchange. :)

Yeah there are drawbacks... they say it would be better to finish general surgery first so i would be board certified to handle cases in both general surgery and TCVS... they say I would be more capable to handle intra-abdominal lesions if i finish general surgery first... add the fact that several hospitals prefer those who finished general surgery compared to those who underwent the straight program... but i'm tired of the whole general surgery lifestyle--- at least in this hospital. I guess all this though is a bit presumptive, i haven't been accepted yet. LOL. If I don't get accepted, I'll be given the option to undergo general surgery instead--- an option I won't take, even if I said during the interview that I would be willing to. If I'm not accepted, that would be fine with me. It's not something that would bring me down. That just opens the door for other opportunities to explore, opportunities that would arguably be better. I love helping others, it's just that I'm sick of giving up my entire being just so I could be of service. This time, I'd like to leave a little piece of my life for my own. That's not too much to ask for, right?

Time in, Time Out

It's day 12 of this replay of pre residency training, and things are getting crazier and crazier. Tension has been escalating exponentially, and the so called seniors are making things harder and harder. One of the things that i don't understand is that we have to sign in for attendance at exactly 4 AM each day, even though we're at the hospital all the time. Thrice my name was already crossed out. I wouldn't mind it if I came from home and was really late. Heck, I wouldn't really mind it even if I was at the hospital and failed to sign because I fell asleep. But during all three instances, I was at the hospital working! and it's not like I was really late in signing. It was only 4:15 AM when I went up to the surgery lounge to sign in a few minutes ago, and they already crossed out a lot of our names!

That's it. I don't care about that stupid "attendance" sheet anymore. It has turned into nothing but bull--- another tool to whet the appetites of the power hungry. If they want us to drop everything we're doing no matter how important it is, even if doing so would be detrimental to our patients... just to be able to sign on some stupid piece of paper, then so be it. If they're seriously considering using that stupid attendance sheet as a criteria to determine the people who would get accepted in the department of surge-fuckin'-ry, then they have more than a few screws loose. It's just another proof that the way they run this so called pre residency training is so fucked up. They can cross out my name for the next two weeks for all I care. In my heart I am doing my work.I am not slacking off in any way. If they will base my performance on the number of signatures on that attendance sheet, then that's their call. I don't care at all.

Impedance... Redux

Pre residency training redux.

Prison Break fans could relate... Remember how it was in the end of the second season two of prison break, when Michael Scofield found himself in prison again after a tumultuous turn of events? That's exactly how I felt the very moment I reported for duty a week ago, at 4 AM, in the place where I used to work. A slightly different program, but in the exact same department, in the exact same hospital where I submitted my resignation papers more than a year ago. Back to the no eating for a maximum of 2 days, no sleeping for a maximum of three days, no taking a bath for a maximum of a week lifestyle. In a way it's easier the second time around. I already know the ins and outs, I already know the rotten system and the ways to get around it. Plus, the first year residents seem to find it awkward giving me orders, because they know for a fact that if I had not resigned, I would've been their senior. So yeah, work wise, there's less stress involved. But a lot of my seniors have been giving me a very hard time. Clearly, a number of them do not want me back, and some aren't even blunt about it. I'm somewhat ostracized. I feel like an outsider more than ever. Some people who I've used to think as friends now seem like strangers--- as if the months I've spent with them, sharing their work, their problems, their pain... as if those months never even happened. And add the fact that when I did this the first time, I was having fun even though the work load was unphysiologic, because I liked what I'm doing. Now everything's a chore. I even find the whole exercise useless. Pre residency training is meant to orient incoming residents regarding the ins and outs of the system. Geez, technically I've already had more than 8 months of orientation last year. I'm not learning anything new. I even know a lot more than the current first year residents. Not to mention the fact that I can operate on a patient a lot faster. Many times I was tempted to just grab the instruments just to get things done.

Crap. The next 5-6 years of my life trapped in that place. There'd be little time for anything else, because in order to work in the place,you'd have to allow the system to swallow your entire being. But i guess after 5-6 years, i'd finally be able to do what I like, right? Rewards are directly proportionate to the sacrifices we make... at least I hope so.

One person seems to be really happy about all this though--- that's one positive thing I could see. My credit card bills have miraculously been paid, and when I got home this evening, a gourmet meal was waiting for me, prepared by you know who.

Crossroads

I'm at a crossroad again. Before, going away and seeking greener pastures elsewhere was out of the question--- because of my principles, I said I wanted to stay where I am and help my own countrymen. But these days, that choice is becoming more and more enticing. Most of my friends from med school have already left. In fact, most of them have started residency training in the US. When I told some friends who are still in the country about my half baked decision to go back to where I used to work... to put it mildly, they thought the decision was STUPID. Why the hell would i go back? Don't I remember how I used to feel back then? It's like eating the food you've just vomited, taking back stuff that you've thrown away in the garbage---- yup, those exact words. It's like hearing my own thoughts coming out from the mouths of others. And to make things even more confusing, one of my closest friends, who was pestering me to go back a few weeks ago, is now telling me that he wants to resign too. He said he has finally realized that he'd rather go abroad also, that it would be the best decision. He says should I decide not to go back and just go abroad, he would instantly resign so that he could join me. He just doesn't want to do it alone. Truth is, I still want to serve my own countrymen. I still don't think I would be comfortable treating foreign patients. What makes that path so attractive is the chance to finally get away--- away from all the pressure, away from being controlled, to finally put an end to the feeling of being imprisoned. Sure I would miss some people, sure there are a lot of things that would make me want to stay, but with the weight things are now, the desire to leave is so overwhelming that I can't help but overlook the things that I would regret leaving behind. Am I really ready to make such a big step, or is this another case of making decisions haphazardly? It could be that I'm so clouded by emotions that I can't think clearly. I might make another decision that I might regret. I actually applied for a slightly different program. It's the straight program for cardiovascular surgery. Yup, it's still in the same department, but it's a sub-specialty that to my knowledge, my dad has no connections. If I get accepted, I would think that it would be done fairly. No under the table deals. If I get accepted, then maybe it was meant to be. I may be meant to stay here. I guess I have to wait for a month or so, wait for how things would turn out. Then i would make my final decision.

Catching Up With Movies

I have some extra time these days, so I'm catching up with movies that I wanted to see last year but failed to do so because I did not have the time. :)

The first movie i saw yesterday was Into the Wild, which is based on a true story. It's about a young college graduate named Chris McCandless, and his quest for self discovery. Shortly after graduation, Chris gives his life savings to charity, burns all of his identification, and begins hitchhiking across America, his ultimate goal being Alaska. The film is directed by Sean Penn---- if you found the other movies that he directed boring, then this one will surely bore you to death. It's a slow moving film, and with a running time of 2 hours and 30 minutes, this film is not for those people who do not have any time to spare. It's an introspective film, perfect when you're in the mood for a little reflection. And while some may be turned off by the somewhat selfish pursuits of the lead character, most people could probably relate to his search for happiness and fulfillment... after all, those are the things that most of us have been searching for all our lives. His final realization--- that happiness is only real when shared, was truly a poignant moment. Is it any wonder why I really liked this movie?

The next movie--- The Mist. The movie is based from a short story by Stephen King. That's one reason why I wasn't interested in watching this movie. In general, movies based on literary works pale in comparison to the source material. In most cases, they suck. But movies based on Stephen King novels take suckdom to a whole new level. They really really really really REALLY suck. I don't know if it's because of financial constraints resulting to really bad special effects, or it's the simple fact that his stories cannot really translate well to the big screen. I mean, what happened to the film versions of literary gems such as The Stand, Apt Pupil, Hearts in Atlantis?! To those people who argue that The Green Mile, The Shawshank Redemption, and The Shining were great movies--- yeah, they're good. But try reading the original novels, and you'll see that they still suck--- even if it's only a bit.

That's why The Mist came as a pleasant surprise. It's directed by Frank Darabont, who also directed both The Green Mile and Shawshank Redemption--- films that were considered as effective adaptations of the original novels. That's one point the film has got going for it. The small setting probably helped in making the feeling of dread much more easier to convey, but perfect casting was probably the major factor. For instance, the actress playing that religious fanatic was so good, I got so affected that I wanted to pull her from the TV screen and strangle her. LOL. As expected, the weakest scenes are the ones where the obviously fake CG monsters appear, but the during the scenes involving human interactions--- showing their weaknesses, personal conflicts, primordial reactions... the movie really shines that you'd soon forget those not so special effects. Who would've thought that a horror movie could turn out to be such a exceptional study of faith and human nature.

Another movie that I saw yesterday was Sunshine. Here's the synopsis: Five decades into the future, the sun is dying, and Earth is running out of time. After the failure of a previous mission, it's up to the crew of the Icarus II to reignite the star with a stellar bomb--- to create a star within a star.

I'll go out on a limb and give it five stars. I usually like sci-fi movies that delve into the realm of pseudo reality, and I get absolutely ecstatic when I get to watch one that's done well. Sunshine is a film directed by Danny Boyle, the same guy who directed the movie 28 Days Later. That should already serve as a caveat--- if you're one of those people who failed to appreciate the genius shown by that zombie movie, then you're better off not watching Sunshine. If you don't mind talky and brooding movies, and if you're okay with movies that have a limited backdrop, then you might give this movie a try. After the first 20 minutes every scene becomes tension filled, and the feeling of claustrophobia can be overwhelming. The excellent cinematography deserves special mention--- it's like watching a NASA special feature. The acting is superb, Cillian Murphy is excellent as always. And who would've thought Chris Evans could look credible in a serious role? Sure it gets pretty generic in the third act, when it delves into slasher film territory... the ending was also predictable... and highly intellectual audiences could point out a number of factual errors... but taken in its entirety, no one can deny that this is one very polished film. This movie deserved so much more than what it made in the US box office. I mean--- total gross is only a little more than 3 million dollars?! WTF! The Dark Knight is still making that much on a single weekend day!

Anyway... I think these three films were great, and I highly recommend all of them. :)

In The Spotlight Again

I hate being the center of attention. Yeah, I have the occasional fantasies of becoming a rock star, but I would never take the step to convert those fantasies into reality. That fantasy would forever remain in the confines of my bedroom and bathroom. LOL. If I liked all the attention, I would've agreed to several modeling and acting jobs offered to me a few years back. The easy money made those offers really tempting... but after some thought, I came to the conclusion that that just wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be comfortable with that line of part time work. I hate being noticed, it makes me really uncomfortable. I hate being talked about, I hate it when people keep looking at me, and especially when they blatantly stare at me. That's why I always try to keep a low profile... something that would never work no matter how hard I try, according to some of my close friends, because some of my features really stand out in a crowd. Like my eyebrows. Or my light complexion. Plus the fact that for some weird reason I still look clean even when I'm all sweaty and wearing really dirty clothes, and even when I haven't taken a bath for a week, which made me really stand out in that place where I used to work. Even when I'm minding my own business and my facial expression practically screams LEAVE ME ALONE, sometimes even a stranger would approach--- in the library, in a restaurant, in bar, in the gym, wherever. When I'm at work, I'm usually the one patients approach for consult. For some reason, I just stick out even when i'm not doing anything.

By now a lot of people have heard the news that I would most probably be going back to where I used to work-- practically a done deal since I already took the exam and I'm scheduled for another interview this week. Just like that, I'm the talk of the town again--- that is, if they ever did stop talking about me. As much as I'd hate it, all eyes would be on me the very moment I step on those hallowed grounds again. To make matters worse, it has come to my attention that the things my dad did late last year has become common knowledge... and people ahave been talking about it repeatedly. How he asked several politicians and a number of the biggest contributor's to the hospital fund to call the hospital director, insisting that they should hire me back--- never mind the fact that I did not really want to. It's what my dad wants. I found it hard to keep a low profile before, no matter how hard I tried to stay in the background. Now all the attention is enormously magnified,probably a hundredfold.

If only there was a way to turn off that damn spotlight.

No Refuge

So I just submitted my "re-application" to the place where I used to work... and almost immediately it felt like one of the worst decisions I've made in my life. Do I not remember where I was and how I felt back then? And does any sane person who has already resigned actually apply for the same job in the same company after a certain amount of time?! I am so pathetic. Not that it was actually my own decision. My dad has been pressuring me for months, and I figured that this was the only logical way to finally put an end to it. And of course some of my friends from where I used to work kept on saying that it would be the right thing to do--- and if there's one thing about me, I find it hard to say no to my close friends. And when they keep on pestering me to do something, I would most probably give in even if I do not really want to. A few of my friends know this idiosyncrasy of mine... it's a good thing they seldom exploit it. One of them even accompanied me as I submitted the application form--- to make sure I don't back out. I was already there, and I did not want to linger any longer. So I filled out the form as fast as I could, and said to myself to hell with it. Within a few hours, the news started to spread slowly.

Among the early comments:

If he really wants to work here, Why did he quit in the first place?

If he wanted to come back, why did it take this long to decide?

I bet he was just forced by his father.

He's not a child anymore! Until now his decisions are based on what his father wants!?

If I had my way I'm going to give him a very hard time.

I'm going to endorse him, so that his seniors will give him a hard time.

He needs to prove that this is what he really wants.

He needs to work 10 times harder.

I'll always remind him that he was a quitter.

Great. The next five to six years would probably feel like five hundred. I have to swallow my pride and I have to deal with all the shame... plus the added pressure of knowing that a number of people do not want me back there. If I really decide to come back, it would be a decision that I should stick with. Quitting for the second time is not an option. Either I don't go on with it, or stick with it if I do.


*****

Last night I went out with friends from where I used to work. Of course my "re-application" was brought up, and I just had to express my doubts, which they dismissed outright. I can't really get unbiased advice from them, who are incredibly loyal and proud of the training they get from that place. Several words of comfort, which weren't even a bit comforting, for me at least. It's just an application form, i could still choose not to go on with it if I decide not to.

On the way home, we passed by a flooded area. The water level seemed to be rising, so I decided to make a turn at a side street, which was also flooded, but the water level wasn't that high. Soon we were on dry streets again, when my friend said that water seemed to have seeped inside the car. I turned on the light and we saw that the flooring was soaked. Bummer. A few minutes after, a policeman stopped us saying that the car made weird noises as it was running. I checked underneath and there was this sheet of plastic that was loose. It was probably scraping against the road as we were moving. When I got home, I got some rags and tried dry the floor. I even used that hair dryer i bought a few weeks back--- see, it wasn't such a waste of money after all. LOL. But the flooring was so soaked, I decided to just let it dry on its own, with a little help from the impending sunlight. I just have bring the car to the repair shop in the morning, to check that loose plastic sheet underneath.

After a few hours, another rude awakening. Something about me being so stupid, so careless, so spoiled.... something about never driving a car through flood water which was common sense, something about how I should learn to love my car, something about me not giving value to things, yadda yadda yadda. Christ, it wasn't as if I deliberately drove through flood water. It wasn't as if I wanted to drive through flood water just for the heck of it. And I wonder why he's so concerned about the damn car as if he was actually the one who purchased it... why he acts as if he could take the car away in an instant as if the money used to buy it came from his own pockets. Instead of answering back, I just chose to ignore the voices, pretended to sleep, thinking happy, tranquil thoughts.

One good thing that would happen if I really decide to go back to where I used to work? I'll be able to get away from all the voices, from all the anger, from all the pressure--- from all of this. It's funny, a year ago I thought I missed all this, I actually longed for all this. Drowning in occupational misery is so much better than feeling miserable in the place where you're supposed to get away from it all. It's such a sad life when seeking refuge means choosing the lesser of two evils. It's so sad that I can't even seek refuge in the only place that I could call home.

Fall Previews

Woo-hoo! The new season of my favorite TV Show--- Prison Break-- is about to start! But WTF?! Sarah is alive?! Didn't Lincoln see her head inside that box?! Or was he stupid enough to mistake someone else's head for Sarah's? And didn't LJ specifically say that he saw Sarah beheaded right in front of him? Does that mean that he's as stupid as his father? I wonder how they could pull off Sarah's return. This isn't sci-fi, they should make her return plausible enough.



On the other hand, another season of Heroes--- which used to be my favorite TV show, will also begin airing in about a month. Can the series redeem itself after the horrible second season, which was so bad it practically made me forget that Heroes used to be a great show? Based from the trailer below--- which seems to be bordering on the campy side... I'd say not very likely.

Soul Searching

Being pissed, almost reaching the breaking point--- and then remission.

Being pissed, almost reaching the breaking point--- and then remission.

Being pissed, almost reaching the breaking point--- and then remission.

Like a broken record that plays the same tune again and again, that seems to be the recurring cycle in my life. When I woke up I thought this was going to be another day when nothing significant would happen. No utter joy, but no misery either--- you may say an extended phase of remission. Then one of my grandmother's medical problems rears its ugly head again, and then the father gives me that look of disgust, explicitly accusing me of not caring at all--- even more so when I left the house when everything seemed okay, just to have some time off, just to get away from it all. I didn't go drinking, I went to the gym to do something healthy and productive, and release all the tension I was feeling at the same time... a fact that he found so hard to believe probably because he saw that bottle of Johnnie Walker and that pack of Marlboro Reds on my bed. Hey, when placed under enormous pressure, I need to smoke, I need to drink. So sue me.

As I rode my car, I could see that look of disgust on his face. How could something so simple make me so pissed? At one point I wanted to crash my car on the nearest post, or make a sudden right or left as I was crossing the flyover... good thing running at 160 km/hr with rock music blasting from the stereo at full volume was enough to soothe my nerves. How could something so simple give me so much pressure? A little psycho analysis may be needed. A little soul searching. For one thing--- the possible root of it all... I don't want to be a doctor. I'm working as a doctor, yeah--- but I'm only doing this because I already am one. My educational background doesn't qualify me for alternative occupations, unless I do more studying... and it seems pretty stupid to waste all those years in med school by not working as a physician. Every day I feel forced to be doing something I don't really want to do, even though no one's forcing me to keep on doing my job. I hated everything they taught in med school, save for a few that I found remotely interesting. It was like turning me into something that I did not want to be. So i picked surgery for residency... because I really loathe internal medicine. Pediatrics is internal medicine for kids... I hate doing internal examinations in obstetrics-- the fact that women are at their worst during pregnancy further aggravates my ill feelings towards that field. Radiology is boring, so is pathology. At least all that blood in the surgical field keeps me on my toes, and i couldn't deny the emotional high I get when I do operations... I picked surgery by the process of elimination. But it's still a part of the field that I do not want to be in--- How far could that interest go? As I discovered, it couldn't go far enough.

Now every time I go HOME--- the place where i'm supposed to be able to get away from it all, to get away from anything medical... there's always that chance that I'm going to manage a medical case. Diabetes, Pneumonia, hypertension, a variety of cardiac and renal problems... all diseases that are within the bounds of internal medicine, the sub specialty that I HATE the most... and my grandmother has all those! It's not that I don't care, it's just that I feel like I'm being forced to be doing something I hate doing--- again and again and again! Add the fact that I'm not really good in that field! I didn't really pay attention in school because I hated the subject, and now everytime I go home I'm bombarded with questions in internal medicine, even pressured to do some action! And it's pretty stupid that my father is pressuring me to go back to the place where I used to work, and expect me to be available immediately every time my grandmother begins to experience more health problems--- WTF?! He knows that's impossible with the work schedule. In fact, family problems, even ones concerning health, are not valid excuses to miss work, unless that immediate family member is on the verge of dying, if not dead already! Whenever she has health problems, my father wants me to just stay with her because I'm the only doctor in the family. It doesn't matter if I have plans. It doesn't matter if I have work. Even when she's already stable, I still have to stay with her because of the possibility that those health problems could still recur! If I don't, then I'm ungrateful, I don't care at all. I'm all things rotten and evil in this world. It doesn't matter if I'm not skilled enough to handle her case. Since I'm a doctor, to them I should be skilled enough!

Are my reasons valid? Or do I already need to schedule an appointment with the friendly neighborhood psychiatrist because I've become highly irrational and unreasonable? I may not need a psychiatrist yet, but I sure could use a drink...

right about now.