Square One

I couldn't help but smile. But there’s that underlying feeling of uncertainty that prevents it from being a full blown smile.

It’s no secret that I didn’t really want to go back to the place where I used to work. I was practically forced to re-apply. So being my mischievous self, I devised a plan of sorts. I applied for a different program, because I knew my dad didn’t know any of the consultants in that department which would prevent any under the table deals. The fact that they would only be accepting two applicants means there would be lesser chances of me getting accepted. But--- it was a program that I did like… so in case I got the job, I would’ve gone through with it. I would even treasure the position since it’s a very competitive slot. I said during the interview that it’s okay if I don’t get accepted for the straight TCVS program--- that’s true. I also said it was okay if they give me a slot in the general surgery program instead, the same program I was in last year--- that’s a big lie. No way would I be repeating that experience, even more now that I’ve experienced first hand how easier life would be if I choose to be in a subspecialty program.

So yeah, the plan worked perfectly. Everything went according to plan. The brightest of the bunch got one position, and what I would suspect someone with strong connections got the other--- with her lousy performance during pre-residency, I doubt if she got in fairly. Don’t get me wrong, no way am I being bitter. I would’ve been fine either way. One consultant called me up offering me the general surgery slot, which I said I would take in the event that I wouldn’t get accepted in the TCVS program. It’s also the position promised to my dad by his friends in the department--- and guess what? I said NO. LOL. I just said I was uncertain before that’s why I said I would accept the position during the interview, and it’s only now that I have realized that I really wouldn’t want to take it. If I really wanted that, I wouldn’t have resigned last year. If I really wanted that, I would have chosen that position as my first choice. My dad is still in abroad on his business trip, and by the time he gets home it will be too late for him to do anything. Oh yeah, there will be fireworks. All hell is going to break loose. It’s going to be war all over again, but I think it’s about time he let go of his dream of having his son finish residency in that stupid institution--- we’ve been in a standstill for far too long. I’m not a complete asshole--- I sometimes pity him, I see the great efforts that he’s making to bring me back, and I bet he had to swallow a lot of pride, which is very difficult for him, being the person he is… but it’s not something that I want. It’s really difficult to live the live others want for you and not the life you want for yourself. It’s been this way for far too long, and it’s making my life more difficult. It’s bad enough as it is.

For the first time in weeks, I couldn’t help but smile. But there’s that lingering feeling of doubt, whether or not I made the right choice… it could be that I’m just letting my tendency to be hard headed take control again. Then there’s that feeling of uncertainty--- where do I go from here? The whole experience may be a blessing since other opportunities have opened up for me, but I have no idea which path to take. I’m back to square one again. Crap, it’s been two years after graduating from med school, and I still don’t know what I really want. Part of me wants to stay here, part of me wants to go away. The financial rewards are far greater abroad, but I may not have the same satisfaction that I get when treating patients in my own country… and yeah, I could only imagine myself in the surgical field, I can’t imagine myself as a primary care physician in the fields of internal medicine, family medicine, pediatrics etc. for the rest of my life…. and those are the feasible residency programs a foreigner could get in the US! I could still choose to apply in the surgical fields, but they say it would be very difficult. So it’s a choice between the easy way that I don’t really want, or the hard way that I really want. Man, how I hated internal medicine in med school… I’m not sure if I could do that and just think about the financial rewards, even though I get no fulfillment in what I’m doing because I’d be treating my work as a chore.

Crap, crap, crap. Decisions, decisions, decisions. I have to arrive at a definite decision as soon as possible and stick with it. After all, I’m not getting any younger.