Crossroads

I'm at a crossroad again. Before, going away and seeking greener pastures elsewhere was out of the question--- because of my principles, I said I wanted to stay where I am and help my own countrymen. But these days, that choice is becoming more and more enticing. Most of my friends from med school have already left. In fact, most of them have started residency training in the US. When I told some friends who are still in the country about my half baked decision to go back to where I used to work... to put it mildly, they thought the decision was STUPID. Why the hell would i go back? Don't I remember how I used to feel back then? It's like eating the food you've just vomited, taking back stuff that you've thrown away in the garbage---- yup, those exact words. It's like hearing my own thoughts coming out from the mouths of others. And to make things even more confusing, one of my closest friends, who was pestering me to go back a few weeks ago, is now telling me that he wants to resign too. He said he has finally realized that he'd rather go abroad also, that it would be the best decision. He says should I decide not to go back and just go abroad, he would instantly resign so that he could join me. He just doesn't want to do it alone. Truth is, I still want to serve my own countrymen. I still don't think I would be comfortable treating foreign patients. What makes that path so attractive is the chance to finally get away--- away from all the pressure, away from being controlled, to finally put an end to the feeling of being imprisoned. Sure I would miss some people, sure there are a lot of things that would make me want to stay, but with the weight things are now, the desire to leave is so overwhelming that I can't help but overlook the things that I would regret leaving behind. Am I really ready to make such a big step, or is this another case of making decisions haphazardly? It could be that I'm so clouded by emotions that I can't think clearly. I might make another decision that I might regret. I actually applied for a slightly different program. It's the straight program for cardiovascular surgery. Yup, it's still in the same department, but it's a sub-specialty that to my knowledge, my dad has no connections. If I get accepted, I would think that it would be done fairly. No under the table deals. If I get accepted, then maybe it was meant to be. I may be meant to stay here. I guess I have to wait for a month or so, wait for how things would turn out. Then i would make my final decision.