Fair Weathered

Crap.I hate losing friends this way.

It would've have been easier to accept if we had a huge fight or something. Losing a friend this way is just plain stupid. And the fact that I've lost several friends this way is just exasperating.

So yeah, there was this girl, who I got to know three years ago when I was still a medical intern and she was one of those students following interns around for medical purposes. A year later, when I got to know her better, she admitted that she had a crush on me then--- someone she viewed as plain eye candy, with nothing much inside the head. Someone who was just nice to look at, but not someone you'd take seriously. But since she go to know me better, all that superficial attraction that she felt for me got lost... at least that's what she said back then.

So yeah, knowing that she felt no attraction whatsoever, I felt more comfortable with her. She kept on sending text messages, asking for help with med stuff at first, then later on just idle chatting, so yeah we became closer. The fact that i discovered that she still liked me somewhat (through her blog that she didn't know I was ware of) didn't become a hindrance... she was good company, I enjoyed the conversations we had, she was there every time I needed help, and she was willing to listen every time I felt down. Even though we seldom see each other personally, we still became close... I even began referring to her as a level two friend early this year. My close friends have pointed out that getting to know me is like getting to know three different individuals. To my acquaintances, I'm that shy guy, who seldom speaks out. Yeah, I'm mostly silent when I'm with people I don't know yet--- possibly because people might get the shock of their lives once I reveal my usual self immediately. LOL. Most people know me as that happy go lucky guy who always smiles, that guy who does crazy things ever so often... that's the part of me that I show people who I've gotten to know better. It's not really a facade--- I'm really that type of person. It's just that there's a part of me that I choose to stay hidden. That brooding, pensive guy, who has so much emotional baggage, that very few people can handle that much emotional weight... that's why I choose to reveal that side only to a few people--- those people that I'm really close to, those people that can surely handle that side of me without looking at me differently. Not just an ordinary level 1 friend, but a level 2 friend--- someone who knows the real me. She was one of those people.

Two weeks ago, she felt the need to fuck it up. For some reason, she was getting jealous of this friend of hers who I'm always with. She said that this other girl likes me also, and the fact that I'm with her almost everyday might lead me to liking her also. So she revealed everything. She wasn't turned off by my crazy side. She found that boyish appeal charming, but she still thought of me as simply eye candy then, not someone you'd be in a relationship with. She said she fell for me when I revealed to her my emotional side. Most people who choose to stay away, but when I revealed to her the things I normally hide, that was when she saw me as someone that wasn't superficial. Even our talks made her realize that i was intelligent, not just some airhead like all the other eye candies. And I was always there for her when she needed help and comfort--- something I do to all my level 2 friends, that she apparently mistook for something more. So yeah, she thought there could be a chance that we could be something more, that's why she revealed everything. She says better to know for sure, rather than wondering her whole life if it could've been.

Even if I knew that she had feelings for me, it's easier to pretend when it's not said out loud. i could pretend that I wasn't aware of that. But now, everything's awkward. She said at first that she doesn't feel awkward. She actually felt better because now she knows for certain that I don't see her that way and now she could move on and start liking other guys... with was apparently a ton of BS. I've read one of her blogs saying that she wasn't happy, and that she was mad at me for seemingly not caring about her feelings. Every time a GIRL gets emotional, I have to scratch my head and shout WHAT THE FUCK??!!!

Not caring about her feelings?! she was the one who started this whole mess because she felt she had to confess her feelings! I did not do anything! If I hurt her by not doing anything, If i hurt her feelings, I did not mean to. It was not intentional... I mean, what was I supposed to do?! Pretend that I also had feelings for her?! This also happened way back in high school when some girl also did a grand revelation. Her friends expected mo to feel the same way she did, but since I did not, I was immediately labelled as a villain. They hated my guts, because I hurt their friends feelings by not feeling the same way she did. Jesus Christ. What an incredibly selfish and self centered way of thinking. Seriously, the way females think are so majorly fucked up at times! Could it be because of all those hormones in their blood clogging up the vessels in their brains?!

The last message I got from my previously level 2 friend? One day before she said she wishes I could get over my awkward phase so that things would be back to the way it was... then she suddenly makes a complete turnaround by saying she's not sure if we could still be friends, and that she wishes me a good life. So I guess that's her way of saying goodbye. All those years of friendship thrown away just like that. Jesus Christ. Trying to understand a fucked up female mind would definitely fuck up my mind as well.