Venting Off

I was buying some medications earlier, and I encountered one very unfriendly saleslady. She looked perennially irritated, as If I was such a bother to her. I was trying so hard not to shout at her, trying to keep myself from uttering expletives.

Somehow, I can relate to her. I know how it is to have a job which involves dealing with an endless line of people in need of your services. In the hospital, it really gets irritating when there seems to be no end to your work, because people keep on appearing, each one seeking consultation, even during the wee hours of the morning.It gets even more annoying when you encounter a person who finds it hard to understand what you're saying, and most especially when you encounter a person who never seems to run out of questions... someone who can be perceived as pesky or a nagger. But that's what the job calls for. I have to deal with different types of people. A hundred dozen truckloads of them. That's something I know I will encounter before I signed up for this job. I admit, I really get grumpy with all the work that I do--- I mean, who wouldn't be grumpy when you haven't slept, taken a bath, and even eaten for more than 24 hours because of the amount of work you do? Add the fact that your seniors keep shouting at you for no apparent reason, it would be hard to keep a smiling face. But each time I encounter a stranger who asks questions, I try to put on a smiling face. And even if I can't put on a smile, at least I try to look like I'm not pissed... just dead tired. I have such a heavier work load compared to that sales lady, so she does not have any right to be pissed like that. She may have other reasons for being so grumpy, still that's no excuse in her profession. She knew what she was getting into when she applied for her job. I say to all people like her who's jobs deal with people, if you can't handle dealing with and endless line of human beings, then you'd better quit your job and find some other way to earn a living! If you can't find other forms of work because your credentials are LACKING, then simply DEAL WITH IT! You have no right to act like royalty, as if customers are a big bother to you, as if you're doing us a great big favor when we conduct business with you, when your credentials are tantamount to nothing.

Blue October's Hate Me

[message on voicemail:] Hi Justin! This is your mother. It is 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really uptight last night, it made me a little nervous, and a little, well it made me nervous, but it sounded like you were nervous too. I just want to make sure you are really okay and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication too. You know I love ya and take care honey. I know you're under a lot of pressure. See ya. Bye Bye!

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months
it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things
I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

The first time I heard the song Hate Me by Blue October a few months back, I immediately loved the song. The song conveyed such powerful emotion, with its lyrics that were filled with pain combined with the way Justin Furstenfeld sang the song. I used to think the song was about a man who has recently gotten out of a relationship, and he was drenched in misery. The voice message at the beginning of the song was his mother checking up on him, knowing that his son wasn't himself lately because of the break-up. I guess thats' why I loved the song... I thought I could relate to it perfectly. I listened to it when I'm alone, drowning myself in my own misery.


Just yesterday, I saw the music video for the song. My interpretation was wrong. The song wasn't meant for an ex-girlfriend--- It was a son's song for his mother. As I listened to the song again and looked at the lyrics, somehow the words seemed more powerful... more poignant. I loved the song even more as i looked at it with a different perspective. After all, who wouldn't be touched by the greatness of a mother's unconditional love for his son, no matter how much of a prick his son is... no matter how ungrateful, no matter how uncaring, no matter how undeserving of her love.

And yeah, i can still relate to it.

Even more.

White Trash

She's back in the headlines... a much publicized divorce, back in the party scene, photos of her going commando... talk about throwing all caution to the wind. Talk about behaving like you don't care about anything at all. Talk about wasting such a great life.

I'm talking about... you guessed it--- Britney Spears. It's amazing how a person can fall from grace. And it's amazing how everyone else can see where she made mistakes in her life that would result to her downfall... everyone except her. She used to be on the top of the music charts, many referred to her as a role model. And she was HOT. Scorching hot and sexy. Then she grew tired of the facade and started showing the real her. Apparently, the whole world would not like the real her. She didn't follow sound advise, and she did what she wanted. With consecutive bad decisions, she looked really stupid. Then she married a back-up dancer, who was clearly a user, and who was the epitome of the term white trash. She then became white trash as well. She lost that killer body, she lost that great image. There was nothing left about her to idolize. I wouldn't go into details, for the whole ordeal seems to be public knowledge these days. She simply looked stupid in the eyes of many. For someone who was an object of many fantasies, she became the object of ridicule. I used to really like her. Now I think she's just gross.

And now she's back. Everyone is talking about her once again. Everyone was happy for her when she filed for divorce... she should have stopped there. In just a week, she lost whatever kudos she has earned for that brilliant decision. She hanged out with the wrong kind of people. Sure, everyone has a right to party, but she's already a mother of two kids, for crying out loud. She can't act like someone without a care in the world. Those two are probably the most unlucky children in the world, for having parents who are both unfit to care for anyone. And what's with the commando shots?! doesn't she have any decency left? It was clear that she wasn't trying to hide what should be hidden. The whole male population would probably go gaga if she never gave birth, but with that caesarian section scar clearly visible, those images would be enough to make anyone puke. Was that just for publicity? A case of any publicity, whether good or bad, is still publicity? I can't think of a person who can be so publicity hungry. So what was all that crying a few years back for? She was crying because the paparazzi wouldn't leave her alone. Everything about her was bull shit. If she thinks this will drive album sales during her comeback, then we can conclude that shes' probably one of the most stupid people on earth. The whole fiasco only emphasizes her stupidity, and emphasizes the fact that she's really turned into nothing but white trash.

Pieces of Paradise

Funny how things can turn out sometimes... how something you'll think will be bad turn out to be good... how something you don't expect much from can actually turn out to be better... It was a real bummer when our original vacation plans never materialized. Palau became Thailand, then Thailand became Hong Kong... due to budgetary constraints of some friends. I'll be leaving for Hong Kong in a few hours, though I'm not really excited. I've been there a lot of times, and I don't really like shopping. What else can we do there? There's not much to see, except for that new Disneyland--- which is nothing to write home about, according to many who have been there. Also, our trip to Bohol didn't materialize because the hotels were fully booked for weeks. I opted to go to Cagayan Valley instead where a few of my relatives lived. It's basically a free vacation, so who am I to complain?

At first, I wasn't really expecting much. A few days of rest at least, during my last few free days. I wanted to make the most out of the remaining days of my vacation. Plus I've been searching for sites about the place in the internet, and the things I saw didn't excite me. Apparently, the place had a lot to offer--- things those internet sites don't show. I've seen beaches on the internet that sucked... then I saw magnificent beaches on those isolated islands. My jaw practically dropped! Paradise would be the word to describe those beaches. I've been to many beaches, but none were as spectacular as the one i saw there. The fact that the island was practically devoid of other human life besides us added to the beauty of such serenity. The region also had great caves which were a joy to explore... though we didn't have a tour guide then, so we weren't able to fully explore the chambers, which were said to be snake infested. I wasn't able to take very good pictures also, because the caves were so dark, and the camera I brought had a weak flash. I also took a swim in the river. The water was so clean! The only drawback was I had to change my clothes in the bushes, because there were no amenities. lol. good thing no strangers were around at that time... or else scandalous pictures of myself could be floating around the internet by now. haha. There were a lot more things to do, but I had to go home earlier because of affairs back home. There were more caves and forests to explore, and I wasn't able to try white water rafting, which is a favorite tourist activity there... Maybe when I come back after 5 years. :)

Oh yeah, pictures are worth a thousand words right? So here are some pictures i took. They don't justify the beauty of the place though, you have to see the place with your own eyes. Who cares if my Hong Kong vacation will suck? The great time I had in Cagayan is enough to mask any bad memories of a number of future vacations. :)

I Had A Dream

... and what a sweet sweet dream that was. I'm talking about the Sega Dreamcast, that forgotten current generation videogame system, who's life was cut short when its creators prematurely pulled the plug on the system. I would argue that it's the best videogame system ever made. Most people would scoff, especially the legions of Sony fanboys out there... but to those who have owned and played the system--- they would know where I'm coming from. Whenever i meet someone who had dreamcast, a bond is instantly formed, as if we're both members of some elite fraternity, or some exclusive club. It's impossible not to love the system, with all the innovative and genuinely fun games released for it.

We've owned 3 Sega systems, but that doesn't make me biased. I can't be called a sega fanboy. Fanboys are likened to blind followers. i know a bad sega game when I see one, and I know how bad they've screwed up. We were reluctant to purchase a dreamcast at first because of the way sega f*cked up in the past, but with the games released for it, its cheaper cost, and with the impression that they're seem to be doing things right for their next system, we decided to take the plunge. To those who are not that keen on videogame history, Sega was acknowledged as the king of the 16 -bit hill, back when it was just Sega vs. Nintendo, back when videogames were actually made by people who cared about videogames, back when corporate giants like sony and microsoft weren't in the picture. Sure, Nintendo won in Japan, where it maintained such a tight stronghold, but sega won in the US and Europe, so when worldwide sales were considered, Sega was leading by a slim margin. Their campaigns have labeled Nintendo as uncool, and the Genesis was what the cool kids were playing. However, it seemed that success has gone through their heads. They seem to have become so overconfident, that they thought any product they released would be purchased by consumers because anything with a Sega label in it was cool. The first misstep was the sega CD, an add on which brought no improvements with regards t the hardware, save for the CD format which could hold more data. Graphically, games for it were no different than those for the Genesis. They just had better sound, longer levels, plus a whole lot of choppy videos. With no upgrades in graphics, those videos looked horrible. Thus the system was plagued with "full motion video" games, which had no fun factor whatsoever. On the other side of the fence, Nintendo was developing a CD add on with Sony (the company that would later crush them all) which would bring improvements with the system's performance. The plan was scrapped though, after marketing research showed that an add-on device is a risky investment for many people. The fact that the Sega CD wasn't much of a success proved this. After a few years, the next generation of systems were about to be unleashed. Sony caught everyone by surprise when they announced a very powerful videogame system--- the Playstation. Sega had to get back to the drawing board. Their next generation system was optimized for 2-D environments, while the playstation showed 3D capabilities that wowed everyone. It's a wonder how Sega never had the foresight to create a home videogame system optimized for 3D, when their arcade division was already in the 3D realm at that time, with the release of the virtua fighter and virtua racing games. It was too late to start from scratch, so they added chips here and processors there, to give the system more power. The result was The sega saturn, a system that was such a mess inside, that it was so difficult to develop games for it. And it also wasn't as powerful as the playstation, with its streamlined hardware, programming for it was a breeze. This resulted to many games that were being developed for it. Good thing Virtua Fighter was so popular in Japan, that Sega managed to hold its own against Sony... at least in Japan. Back in the United States, some stupid sega official had another bright idea. The saturn was too expensive, so why don't they make another add on for the Genesis, which would finally add power to the system. Shouldn't they have done that with the Sega CD? What's even more frustrating was the fact that they weren't learning from their mistakes. People didn't respond to the Sega CD add on, what made the think that the people would respond to the 32x? With the Saturn already released in Japan, gamers in America were aware that a more powerful Sega system will eventually be released shortly. Why purchase a 32x, which was clearly a stop gap measure, some evil attempt to milk more money from consumers? As predicted, the 32x failed. The saturn was launched in the US. By then, Sega's reputation was tarnished, especially for those who were duped into buying a sega CD or 32x. And their campaigns against Nintendo backfired on them. With graphics that were so much better, with more games available, and with more games with edgier content, Sony managed to brand sega as uncool, and made the playstation the cool thing to own. The nail in the coffin was made when squaresoft announced that they will be developing games for the playstation only. Squaresoft's games are huge in Japan, and the announcement was what sony needed to finally leave Sega in the dust, at least in Japan. In other territories, they had no problems. Sega had pretty much tarnished its own reputation to still be considered a threat. Nintendo survived because it still had a lot of loyal followers. The niche crowd was still profitable. On the other hand, Sega fucked up many of its fans, and only the blind fanboys remained. With the number of games made for the playstation, innovative games have surfaced which further expanded the market. Plus the realism attracted a lot of adults. Videogames were no longer viewed as for kids only. Sony was brilliant, examining the strategies of their would be competitors and learning from the mistakes of Sega and Nintendo, before making the plunge. Sony had clearly won the war by a landslide. They did everything right, and they deserve the victory.

After a few more years, it was again time to develop the next generation of videogame systems. Sega wanted to redeem itself. First, they pulled the plug on the Saturn even when they still didn't have a new game system. I say it was the right decision. The userbase was so small it was no longer profitable to develop games for it. Better concede defeat and pool the remaining resources to gear up for the next war. However, this pissed a lot of saturn owners in Japan where there was still a profitable userbase, where Sega was still managing to hold its own. Some say this was the reason why the dreamcast wasn't received that well in Japan. Anyway, they seemed to emulate what sony did. The hardware was powerful, the design was so simple that it was easy to develop games for it. It included a modem, which was a sign that they were finally thinking of the future. Those memory cards called VMU's (visual memory unit) were innovative little gadgets where you can play mini games on. The price was attractive to many consumers. Most importantly, the first party games screamed of innovation. The games released for the dreamcast were sega games at their best... Probably because the Sega desperately wanted to atone themselves. They did have a shot. With aggressive promotions, a lot of systems were sold. People seem to have forgotten how they fouled up in the past. They also had a head start. After a year, the Playstation 2 was released. Developers complained that the hardware was a mess, it was difficult to develop games for it. There were also a lot of manufacturing problems, which delayed the mass production of systems. With all the problems hounding Sony at that time, Sega seemed to really have a shot--- then they suddenly pulled the plug on the system, just like that... claiming it was no longer profitable. The dreamcast was at the prime of its life back then. Naturally, developers stopped making games for it. Who would develop games for a system that was already pronounced as dead? Sega's developers may make the greatest games on earth, but their actions show that it's all about the money. Unlike Nintendo who cares about gamers, Sega is no different from those giant corporations like Sony and Microsoft. It's all about money. If there's one thing i've learned from all this, Sega shits on its own followers, it stabs its own fans in the back. I doubt if they'll ever be successful if they return to the hardware business. i wonder if anyone can ever trust a videogame system with the words Sega on it again. I know i won't.

But no matter how despicable Sega as a corporation is, I have to admit that they, together with Nintendo, make the sweetest games. Sure, with the ease to develop for the system, there are a lot of crappy games for it. A lot of third party games were uninspired ports of playstation games. Some ports were heavenly though, like Rayman 2 which fully took advantage of the system's capabilities. The graphics were so beautiful, one would really be immersed in the surreal Rayman universe. For a third party fighting game, Marvel vs. Capcom 2 was such a joy to play, with all the madness going on the screen. Speaking of fighting games, nothing could match the level of quality of soul calibur. Sure, sequels were released for the playstation 2 and other systems, but the Dreamcast was the place were it all began. Dreamcast users were already witness to the majesty of Soul Calibur years before Playstation owners. And when it comes to depth, nothing can match the depth of Virtua Fighter 3. Tekken sure is fun to play, but ask anyone who has played VF3, and they'll tell you it's pretty shallow. The other first party games showed Sega at its best. The Saturn had The Panzer Dragoon series and Nights, but the Dreamcast had a lot more high quality games. Space channel 5 was such a guilty pleasure. It looked so fruity that I had to deny I enjoyed it. hehe. The sensation of speed in Sonic Adventure 2 was incredible. So what if some parts were cheesy? It was such a blast to play. So what if the playstation had a lot of RPGs? what the dreamcast had were of extremely high quality. Shenmue was really innovative, and the graphics were breathtaking. It would be impossible not to be immersed in its world. Phantasy Star Online looked boring at first, with seemingly repetitive gameplay and graphics that were not to flashy--- I was eating my words when I coudn't put down the controller whenever i played it. The game was so addicting! But my best RPG experience was when i played skies of Arcadia. I would argue that it's better than the Final Fantasy games that were already released at that time. Everytime I reminisce about the hours I've been playing that game, I can't help but smile. It was so much fun discovering what the whole world of Arcadia had to offer. All those quests, those hidden treasures, all the people encountered, to the epic battles--- such fond memories. Sure the graphics were cartoony, and the story seemed somewhat derivative... I don't care. The bottomline is, I've never had so much fun playing a role playing game in my entire life. My most favorite game for the system however, is Jet Grind Radio. Everything about it screamed innovation. The gameplay, the graphics--- it was a totally novel gaming experience. The cell shading makes the game look like a freaking cartoon, but it's in 3-D! Succeeding games would even copy the innovative graphics later on. And the gameplay... who would've thought skating around town vandalising property while escaping from the police could be so addicting?! and the soundtrack--- I never thought Japanese music could sound so good. Everything about the game was perfect. So what if it was a little short? with so much replay value, you wouldn't care if it only had one level or two. Sure, sega had pimped itself and ported the once exclusive games to other sytems, but it is only in the dreamcast where you can find all those exclusive games on one system. I strongly recommend buying a dreamcast when you find one on sale somewhere. It's technically a current generation game system after all, and a lot of great games are already available for it, and they're most probably dirt cheap. Any real gamer should experience what the dreamcast had to offer.

If sega didn't pull the plug prematurely, then the Dreamcast would probably still be alive, though on its deathbed since the next generation of systems have now arrived. If only the dream didn't end prematurely... How great it would've been if the dream lasted for 5 more years, i would've spent more time in pure gaming bliss. :)

Undeserving

My parents, grandparents, and most of my relatives seem to be extremely generous as of late--- at least to me. It would seem that anything I would ask for, they'd give me. They even insist on buying stuff that i don't want or need, for Christ's sake. A new bed. New furniture. A new TV. A new cellular phone. Any new gadget. New clothes. All expense paid trips abroad. Even a new car.

All this started right after I passed the board exams, after I've managed to have an M.D. attached to my name. They seem to think that I deserved a great reward or something, because I've done some monumental achievement. To an ordinary person, i guess becoming a physician is a great achievement--- however, I don't see it as a great achievement at all.

So I passed the board exams. woo-hoo. big deal. I just earned the right to practice a certain profession. If I had the right to celebrate and make a big deal out of things, then all other professions deserved such fanfare. They never made such a big deal when my siblings graduated and subsequently got jobs. What's the big deal with becoming a doctor anyway? What makes this profession so special? I certainly don't feel special. It takes such a long time to become a doctor, and still the financial returns are many years away. I wouldn't want my children to become doctors unless they really want to, because fulfillment in this profession is a long way off, you'd often wonder if becoming a doctor is worth all the time and effort. Also, so many people become doctors every year, I wonder why new physicians are still seen as special. You'd think one should be unique to be seen as special. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a breeze to get to where I am now. There were some difficult moments in med school, but it wasn't that hard. It was fairly easy to get high grades, thanks to that faulty problem based curriculum wherein you get high grades but don't learn as much. There were many moments during clerkship and internship that were pure torture--- days without sleep, stuck doing the dirty work, practically being slaves, trying to find time to do some studying amidst all the manual labor... and with seniors that kept scolding you and watching your every move, those 2 years were far from being easy. Yet I still feel that I don't deserve all these "rewards" they're giving me. I know I didn't study hard during med school. I spent most of my time going out, partying, watching movies... and when I was at home I'd just watch TV, surf the net, or play videogames. I actually watched more TV and played more videogames when I was in med school than when I was in college. I only studied the night before exams, and there were times when I'd fall asleep while studying, so I was not fully prepared for several exams. I would think that I deserved all these if I really worked hard for it. God knows I also didn't study as much as I could for the board exams, which would explain that average that was just satisfactory. If I got a very high score, then I wouldn't feel so undeserving. I can't help but think that their generosity is misdirected. Such rewards should only be given to those who are truly deserving.

Scientology = Stupidity

I never thought I'd judge a religion I know little of... heck, I thought I'd never judge other religions at all, with my belief that all religions are man-made, we believe in the same superior being, all differences just stem from the differences in each man's way of thinking... but from what I've been hearing about scientology--- I'm sorry to say this, especially to its devout followers out there... but I think the whole thing is pretty stupid.

Some core beliefs are similar to other religions. Like the idea of spiritual cleansing, which seems to be a universal theme. The idea of reincarnation is also present in other religions, but the belief that we lived on other planets during our past lives is literally out of this world. So does the belief that aliens implanted certain thoughts in our head. Silent birth and discouraging breastfeeding? for a medical practitioner, that really sounds kookoo. That "barley" formula made to replace breastfeeding is actually hazardous to a infant's health. For a medical practitioner, their beliefs against psychiatry have no merit either. For people who know better, those who believe in scientology sound like raving lunatics. Disconnection policies and imposing restrictions on members? Accounts of hypnotism? Those are things you'd expect from a cult, not from a religion.

And if all those information are still not enough to convince anyone with at least half a brain that scientology is nothing but a pseudoreligion, I've just read an article describing their wedding ceremonies:

Scientology's "traditional ceremony" includes such advice to the groom as
"Now -----, girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan,
a comb, perhaps a cat. All caprice if you will, but still they need them."

The bride is told: "Hear well, sweet -----, for promise binds. Young
men are free and may forget. Remind him that you may have necessities and
follies, too."

I had to keep myself from laughing out loud. Honestly, I thought the whole article was a joke. How can something that sounds so silly actually be for real? Are they really serious? For anyone with common sense, to think of scientology as an actual religion is a joke. The fact that it has gained a lot of followers is an even bigger joke. Anyone who's gullible enough to believe such bullsh*t must be really really really really stupid.

Adulthood Delayed

It seems that the secret for eternal youth is to keep on studying. It may not hinder one's physical growth--- the added stress can even hasten the wear and tear --- but it surely keeps you feeling young. Even at my age, i feel lost in the ways of the real world. And instead of acting my age, at times I act like people who are 5 years younger than I am.

As I look at my peers, especially those I've known since high school and college, I can see the difference. Most of them started working 5 years ago, when I entered med school. You can say they had a head start in the real world. They've been employed for several years now. Many of them are already married with kids. They already receive salaries that I can only dream of. They also act mature and more responsible.. while i act like some teenager, with few responsibilities, someone who can afford to party all night, wasting my days doing practically nothing. I can see the way some of those old friends look at me. They might think I'm immature. The truth is, i really feel young. How can I not feel young? up to now, I still depend on my parents for almost everything because I still have no source of income. I'm currently a bum, doing nothing of worth. I'm feeling the way they felt 5 years ago. It's as if my growth was delayed for 5 years... you might say that 5 years was taken away from me, as if someone pushed the pause button, and it is only now that my life is playing again. My life as a student has been extended. and although I'll already have a salary come January, residency and fellowship training, which is how I would spend the next 8-10 years, is practically a continuation of my studies. Sometimes I wonder if I've made the right decision, seeing the life my old friends are living now. It will be years before I'll be in their position. They say it's a mixed bag--- there are a lot of sweet stuff, but there are hefty responsibilities that come with the good stuff. They say i have the better life. I see their point. I can act like a fool without hurting others. I can do many things that adults can only be nostalgic about. Sometimes though, I wonder if my life really is better. Sometimes i feel as if I'm going nowhere, as if that pause button still remains pressed...

sometimes it feels like I'm stuck in some sort of limbo.

The Switch

after much apprehension, I've finally made the switch to the new version of blogger in beta. I've been seeing the option for a few months now, but after many harrowing experiences with beta versions of different programs, I've decided to wait a while until they've fixed up all the bugs that are sure to be discovered. This new version really seems better-- with a lot more features, and it still remains user friendly. I just need more time to tinker with the new options available. i just hope my previous entries have really remained intact. :)

Memento

Yeah, after months of searching, I finally got to see Memento. How? I downloaded an illegal copy through some file sharing program. Don't blame me! I've tried so hard to do it legally. I've been searching for an original copy for months, to no avail. So when I did a random search in the internet, and it popped up--- all 750 megabytes of it--- i proceeded to download it.

So what can I say about the movie? Apparently, it's actually Christopher Nolan's second movie. His first movie was Following, a relatively unknown movie shot on a shoestring budget. Critics say it was good, even more so considering the budget it had. It was mostly shown on film festivals, and producers took notice and they proceeded to give him funding for his next film. The Following was shown on more screen after Memento. The film's posters actually show the words "from the director of Memento" in huge letters, even though the film was made earlier.

So, were my huge expectations met? I say "Hell Yeah!". You can say I'm biased because I've already read all those positive reviews the movie had. After I've seen the movie, I say it deserved all the praise it got. That was a complete mind f*ck. If you don't pay attention, you'll get lost. See, the movie basically starts at the end, showing clips lasting for about 10-15 minutes each, moving towards the very beginning. The excitement doesn't lie in seeing how it turns out, but in filling out the blanks, finding out how things happened. The movie has a lot of twists--- just when you thought you've had it all figured out, the next scene shows that all your assumptions were wrong. Those few negative reviews said that the way they edited the movie was just a gimmickto make a very simple story look complicated. True enough, when viewed in reverse, the movie's plot really seems simple. But they're completely missing the point. The way it was edited completely fits the movie, it further immerses the audience to the point of view of the main actor. He has this condition wherein he can't form new thoughts--- everything that happens, he'll forget in a few minutes, so he has to take pictures, write stuff down. We can see how things happen before his very eyes. We can even relate to the character, trying hard to remember every detail, because once we don't pay attention and forget the previous events, we get lost. Like the character, the audience is put into some sort of struggle with memory. And there's so much to see, so many clues to watch out for, that the second viewing is even more pleasurable.

It's hard to believe such a film can be made early in a director's career. The future looks very promising indeed.

Oh yeah, here's a site where a critic discusses everything about Memento. It's best read after seeing the movie. :)

A Shocker

All the time i was asleep, there was a commotion outside. See, I have a reverse sleep-wake cycle. Now that I'm bumming around, my sleep patterns have reverted back to "normal". I sleep at around 7 AM, I wake up at 3-4 PM, so everyone's basically awake when I sleep. I have a vague recollection of someone opening the door to my room, checking if I was awake. I think it was our maid, wanting to ask me something. When I finally woke up this afternoon, I found out why she was trying to wake me up. The answer was a shock.

This morning, our family driver just died. In his sleep. They wanted me to confirm if he was really dead. He wasn't up at around 7AM, and he had to take my sister to school, so they checked his room. If they only told me why they were trying to wake me up, I would've woken up. Such news would surely drain all sleepiness from my body. Then again---- maybe I would've chickened out and pretended to sleep. Not that I've never encountered death--- I'm actually numb to death, with all the deaths I've witnessed. It's just that I've never proclaimed someone dead on my own yet... am I just supposed to check the vital signs, pupillary reactions, or am I also supposed to check for post mortem lividity as well to estimate the time of death? Okay, I guess that's too much. But who will I report it to? The local hospital? The city government? All those things I've learned about legal medicine seem to have flown out the window, and I've already lent my old books to someone. Bu more than that--- It's just too weird, and creepy, when you proclaim someone you actually know personally, someone you've known all these years, someone you were close to, as dead. And he lived with us. Even if he's not family, he was almost like family. And we never expected it. For one thing, he was young, only a few years older than me. And we never knew his underlying condition. When my dad called his wife, he found out he had some heart ailment, plus diabetes. And he goes on occasional drinking sprees even with such conditions. They also can't believe it, because they've just talked to him on the phone 2 days ago. When he first became our driver, he was only 21 i think, and I saw him as somewhat arrogant back then, some happy go lucky, irreponsible pr*ck, with an air of pride around him. He was also kinda slow both in thinking and in action. And I remember being so irritated everytime he asks me to loan him money--- because he did that a lot of times. He was fired after 2 years i think, which was expected, so I was surprised my father hired him again. But I was more surprised to see that he has changed into someone really mature. I saw how having a family changed him into a responsible man. And he became some sort of a buddy, especially to my sisters, probably because he's almost our age. i suppose we're going to his wake, I just don't know when. He's still in the morgue, apparently. They're still waiting for his wife who is still in the province. Everything still seems surreal, no one seems to be looking that far ahead yet.

A Great Disservice

I was back in the hospital earlier, gathering the paperworks needed for residency, and to have several lab exams done to get my clearance. I've noticed how inefficient some employees were, back when I was still an intern... but falling in line with the rest of the people to get papers signed and to have labs done further opened my eyes.

Maybe because I've rotated in different hospitals before so I can't help but compare --- but a lot of PGH nurses are extremely inefficient. Using that term is putting it nicely. A lot of those nurses are just plain lazy. And when I say a lot, I mean MAJORITY. The fact that even those who never worked in other hospitals notice their laziness says a lot. Where else can you see nurses who can't be disturbed during their "meal breaks", even when there's an emergency? One time in the medicine wards, a patient went into arrest at around 12 AM, and no nurses were coming even when we kept on shouting for them. Apparently, they were having their midnight snacks. They eventually came after a few minutes, and I wondered what difference it made because they made lousy assistants. Then one time when I was on solo duty at the Cancer Institute, a patient went into arrest, and no nurse came to assist me even when I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I had to run back to the nurse station which was within hearing distance, and found them in the middle of endorsements, which is another one of their "untouchable" sessions. The outgoing shift wanted to get out of their as soon as possible, hence they don't want their endorsement sessions to be disturbed. They don't want to go into overtime, so they pretend to be deaf. Granted there was this one nurse who did try to help me, and she seemed sincere when she apologized for the behavior of her co workers--- I saw the shame in her eyes. But the rest of them didn't really care. I've never met people who are so obssessed and strict with time, with their work shifts. Even in the operating room, they mumble and grumble when they go into overtime, and no amount of pleading would work if it would mean that they'd have to compromise their time. During our breast mission, one patient's operation was postposed because the previous operation was delayed, hence the following would start a few minutes late. Who cares if we were doing it for charity? Apparently only the doctors give a damn about charity work. If it means sacrificing their time, nurses don't give a f*ck. So what if they go into overtime?! It's expected in their profession, for you can never tell when emergencies can happen. If they can't deal with that, then they'd better find some other sort of work for they are in the wrong profession. What makes it even more sickening is the fact that they only work 8 hours each day, and they have the nerve to complain about time! Depending on our residency program, some doctors rarely get to go home! and so what if they go on graveyard shifts at times? When I go to their stations after midnight, most, if not all of them are asleep. And to think I haven't slept at all for days, and there I was still working. Everytime i hear one of them complain about their f*cking work schedules i try so hard to keep myself from shutting them up.

I noticed though, that those nurses at the private divisions seem to be better. What would account for such difference? Is it because in the charity divisions, they're serving people who don't pay much, or don't pay at all for their services? Does that give any person a right to give substandard service? i noticed the same inefficiency when I do some transactions at several government offices. Inefficiency is rampant. Laziness is commonplace. When lunch break lasts from 12 noon to 1 PM, expect it to start at 11 AM and end at 2 PM. And they cannot be disturbed during such breaks. And at government institutions, good public relations doesn't seem to exist. Most workers aren't accomodating and friendly; mst are antagonistic. each time you'd ask for their help, it's as if they're doing you a really big favor. Even if it's part of their duty to help you, they act as if they're being disturbed. If they don't want to deal with people, they'd better put themselves inside a box and look for work there instead. If they're in a line of work that involves service and yet views service as a huge burden --- these people better quit there jobs. For I cannot think of a greater disservice, than getting substandard service or no service at all from those people who are meant to serve.

Malware Attack !!!

Just had my laptop fixed and upgraded, and I've been busy copying my old files from my back-up discs. I've also been downloading several essential programs from the net--- plus some not so essential ones, but still quite useful. Apparently, one of those non essential programs have some malware attached to them, i can't pinpoint which one exactly. Out of the blue, several critical alert messages have been popping up, saying my computer was infected with a lot of spyware and viruses! upon clicking the balloon, several websites would open containing links to programs to be downloaded, all of which claim to be the solution to viruses and spyware that have suddenly infected my laptop! I ran a system scan with my anti virus and anti spyware software, yet mysteriously no viruses were found. No spyware either. There was something fishy. The fact that the same links to the same programs kept popping up further intensified my suspicions. Internet explorer wasn't working properly--- any web address i typed eventually led to sites advertising those programs, so I did a search with firefox. A lot of people have been encountering the same problem! My laptop was infected with malware! And not just one, but 4 different kinds! The fact that my updated and EXPENSIVE anti virus/ spyware software failed to detect them further pissed me off! For crying out loud, a FREE online scan detected those malware! They didn't really do harm to my system, but those endless pop-ups were really annoying! I've spent 4 hours trying to get my system back to the way it was! THe process was quite complicated... downloading several programs, manually deleting files... I can't help but get really pissed at the people behind the malware--- obviously the same people who make the software that were supposed to be the "solution". What devious, scheming assh*les! How low can a person get, to stoop down to such a level of trickery, just to sell a product?! misleading common people, making them think that their systems are infected, when in truth there are no viruses nor spyware at all, just an irritating malware designed to advertise their stupid products?! Good thing I had the common sense to ignore those products--- their stupid brand names were a giveaway thay something wasn't right. i hope they go bankrupt one of these days.

>:(

If there's one good thing I've learned out of this, it's that the world still has a lot of good people. A lot of computer experts were willing to help strangers with their computer woes--- for free. It's amazing how they would post detailed instructions in the discussion boards, and how incredibly patient they were, especially if the technical problems of the stangers asking for their help never seem to end. And yeah, I've discovered the wonders of Firefox also, which has now become my default internet browser. As one of those experts have said--- ditch internet explorer, which is vulnerable to a lot of threats. Use firefox instead.

... he also said stop using windows which is vulnerable to a lot of threats and use Linux instead--- but I'm not ready to make that leap yet. hehe.

The Prestige

I've just said something blasphemous. Followed by a word that some would view as cursing. or cussing. or whatever. then my next statement was---

"Christopher Nolan is a god".

Enough said.



That was my initial reaction after watching The Prestige. In the movie, A prestige is the third and final act of a magic trick, the one when you shake your head in disbelief, and applaud accordingly. That was how I felt, I wanted to clap my hands inside the movie theater. It's been so long since i've watched a movie this good. Yeah, I've watched The Departed last week and it's a great movie also, but in my opinion--- it doesn't compare to this. I don't care if that movie had more great reviews.

Come to think of it, that was the same feeling I felt after watching Batman Begins more than a year ago. I've become a fan of Mr. Nolan even before I've seen this movie. The trailer alone got me excited when I first saw it last July. It occured to me that I may be a bit biased--- but a lot of people also thought the movie was great. Plus with my high expectations, I would've been really disappointed if it didn't deliver. And I was far from being disappointed. The acting was superb. I don't know what those negative reviews were about. I don't know what they were looking for. Maybe they just didn't understand the movie. Maybe the non linear flow of the story confused them. They complained about wasting such good lead actors. I thought they were superb. What further depth in characterization did they want? yeah, i guess some scenes need further exploration and development, but then they'd have to increase the screen time, which would sacrifice the effect of such cinematic "sleight of hand". I thought the pacing was perfect, to keep the audiences guessing. Some of those twists and turns may be familiar, but those were clever nevertheless. The supporting cast were great also. Other critics were rapping about how they wasted Scarlett Johansson's talent also. I say they shouldn't expct much, she's in a supporting role after all. And with the role given to her, i would say she also delivered. Even while I'm typing this, I want to watch the movie again!

Christopher Nolan never fails to deliver. Insomnia. then Batman Begins. And now The Prestige. Now if only I could find that elusive copy of Memento, his directorial debut that I still haven't watched, I would be one very happy fanboy. :)

The Dark Knight will surely be phenomenal.

Getting Old

I've slowly begun to realize that I'm getting old. yeah, 26 is still young--- I'm still at the prime of my life. But several years from now, i won't be able to the the things I used to do. Last saturday, I got really drunk... acted like a fool... Did some crazy stuff with a girl I just met... and did something really stupid afterwards... Thing is, I didn't expect to be drunk with just a few bottles of beer. Okay I had 8 bottles, but I used to say "12 bottles is my limit". and I can still drive home, although really slowly, with 12 bottles of beer infused in my system. Early in the evening, With just four bottles, plus a glass each of those nasty conconctions called rum-cola and vodka-ice--- I was really feeling tipsy. Either i'm just not used to drinking anymore (I used to drink at least once a week a few years back, after all), or I'm really getting older. My body is beginning to fail me!

This got me into thinking... I should seize every opportunity, seize every moment while I still can. Due to time constraints, plus with all those requirements that I have to submit prior to employment, my dream solo trip to the Amazon Forest seems bleak. The fact that there's no direct flight from this country to Brazil makes it even harder. I have settle on a vacation in one of the great spots in this country, or maybe in a nearby country. A Palau vacation was teasing me a while back, but the cost of such a vacation made me think twice. It made all of my friends think twice! Any beach would make me happy. The fact that I would most likely have no REAL vacation for the next five years makes a vacation before January really urgent. hehe. As for my Amazon Adventure? Alas, I will have to postpone it until I have finished residency. A reward of some sort, and maybe then I'll use my own savings. A lot of things can happen though.. I might be married with kids five years from now, and it might be impossible to leave... but with the life that a surgery resident leads, I doubt it. lol. what the heck, it can be a honeymoon of sorts. I definitely can't do it 20 years from now, with the possibility of arthritic joints slowly making their presence felt.

But that's all in the future. As for now, I choose to seize the day! I'm going to party tomorrow... Get myself drunk again! after all, I might become intolerant to alcohol the next say... hehe. For now, I choose to live life to the fullest! Such moments may never come again. :)

Con Ass

Con Ass. That's what they are calling it. i couldn't think of an even better term to describe the new constitution that a lot of our politicians--- and not what our people, have been clamoring for. Sure, it really stands for Constitutional Assembly, being the means to carry out the changes in the constitution that they have been fighting for... changes that they claim will be for the good of the entire nation. But it's more fitting when they keep it short, when they stick to the abbreviation. Then we can interpret Con ass as Constitution by Assh*les--- because when we isolate it from all the noise, all the bells and whistles and get down to the gist, to the core of the situation, we can see that that's what it really is. If they succeed, we're going to have a constitution made by assh*les, those self serving politicians who have the nerve to call what they're doing as being good for the country, when in truth all their actions are for the good of themselves only. One of those A-holes was even interviewed yesterday, when the news about how the supreme court rejected their previous proposal to ammend the constitution came out. He said they will continue the fight for it is for the good of the country. and i quote: "this issue should not be decided by what is popular, instead we have to take the side of what is right." er--- is he fuck*ng delusional?! or just plain stupid?! or most likely, as with majority of politicians, simply thick skinned? for one thing, with the majority of politicians pushing for charter change, what they're doing is the popular thing to do--- at least when it comes to politicians. And he says what they're doing is right?! since when did matters of self interest become the right thing to do for politicians? just because it's so commonplace that it has become the standard doesn't make it right. Shouldn't his statements come from those in the other side, those few remaining idealistic, selfless politicians who can see through the motives of majority of their colleagues, and therefore fight against charter change?

These people are giving me a splitting headache. If I was even mildly concerned with my health, it would do me good to avoid watching the news and reading newspapers. What the hell is wrong with all these people?!

CON ASS indeed.

Our Rotten Political System

I used to have a great interest in politics. Back in college when i ran for a position in the student council, all those talk about national issues perked my interest. I became so involved that all the news about politicians, how they're doing everything wrong, gave me such huge headaches. When I entered med school, my interest waned--- probably because of all the studying (yeah right!) that i had to do... but mostly because my new set of peers had little interest in the topic. How could I maintain interest when I had no one to discuss such topics with? That was a blessing in disguise though. With the way politicians have been running the country, my headaches would have probably become worse. Thankfully, I've been almost headache free for 5 years now--- free from headaches you get from politics.

Now that I've been basically a bum, I had time to really read newspapers again--- the way I used to, right down to the editorials. And I had time to watch the news again, and see what's up with the country. Politicians are still the same. Come to think of it, the political situation in this country seems to have gotten worse. Politicians are so full of sh*t. never have I seen such individuals who are driven by selfish motives. It seems that their every action is carried out with such careful planning and with such precision, to reach the ultimate goal of personal gain. i'm aware that not all politicians are like that. Following the rule of probabilities, then there has to be a few decent politicians--- I just can't see any of them. I used to know one decent politician, but he died of an incurable illness a few years back. That's funny. There we had one decent politician, yet the Lord took him away, leaving us with the scums. Maybe politicians are meant to be scums--- try to be the exception, and you're eliminated from the game.

What makes their selfish motives even harder to swallow, is the fact that politicians, by definition, are meant to serve others, and not their own selves! Here they are acting like kings, like they own the streets they walk in, expecting all of us common folk to bow before them, to praise them, to serve them. Ideally, they should be the ones serving us! I remember one time, when I was stuck in a traffic jam, and this politician's vehicle was bullying its way through the traffic, complete with sirens and motorcycle escorts, expecting us common folk to give way to them. A lot of vehicles did give way to them, but not me! So what if he's a politician?! that doesn't make him king! That doesn't mean we should all give way for him! That doesn't give him the right to be ahead of us! I don't care if he was late for a meeting or something, I also had plans that afternoon. He should stay stuck and wait in the traffic like the rest of us. Then one of the motorcycles stopped beside the driver's side of my car, the escort giving me a dagger look. I didn't care, I wasn't going to give up my place, I wasn't going to give way. Maybe if it was an ambulance, or if there was an emergency. I won't give way to a scummy politician. The way he's lording over the roads is proof enough that he's scum. I just gave his escort a dagger look back.

I cannot think of a far greater worse disservice to mankind, than to be something that is the complete opposite of what you should be. I think a lot a new politicians out there are decent... most fresh graduates from universities are idealistic. They want to change the rotten system. They want to make things right. But eventually, the temptation may be too great to resist--- they eventually get swallowed up by the rotten system. They become one of those people they used to despise, they become one of those they wanted to change.

So what's new with the world of politics lately? All the commotion about charter change nauseates me. Especially the scum that we refer to as the speaker of the house. I agree that the constitution should be overhauled--- it's dated, and it has a lot of provisions that seem to be contrasting... probably because it was rushed, in a way. But it shouldn't be changed when selfish motives are the ones that are prioritized. Does he really think that the people in this country cannot see his selfish motives? He knows that he is unpopular with the masses, so he want to change the charter so that he can run for the position of prime minister. It's so evident, that he seems like such a big liar as he denies this. With the way he managed to manipulate the men and women of congress, like blind, stupid, brainless followers--- he will surely win. But he knows that people won't listen to anything he has to offer because they can see through him, so he brings out all these arguments to make charter change pleasing to the eye. He mentions progressive, first world countries who have a parliamentary form of government, and argues that they are progressive because of their form of government. He must really think we are stupid. Is he aware of those many poor nations who have a parliamentary form of government? is he aware of those progressive nations who maintain a presidential form of government? i cannot believe he had the guts to say something like that on the radio and on national TV! Either he's a big moron, or he's an incredibly scheming, devious prick. I believe he's the latter. I know this will sound really mean, but maybe the Lord took his daughter away because no good person deserves to have such scum for a parent.

Somehow, i am thankful that I am not a son of a politician. Others are not as lucky. Who can forget that senator who sounds like a lunatic. She's not only crazy, she's also a liar. She lies for self gain, which is something politicians aim for. One time she said she would jump off a plane,, or have herself shot by a firing squad, if this or that happened. She would've been declared a hero if she fulfilled her promises, the country would've thanked her for ridding itself of a politican like her. But what i cannot stomach was how she swore by her son's grave, her son who had just commited suicide at that time, that she will never run for politics again. And Lo and Behold-- come election time, she was one of the most prominent candidates. What kind of person would stoop down to such a level of lying? What kind of people are we choosing as leaders of our country?

And as for the most prominent liar of all, the exalted president of our nation? I never liked her, even from the very start of her political career. It was evident from the very beginning that she's an opportunist, i wonder how many people fail to see that. She goes with the good, and always leaves the bad, even if she has sucked the bad ones dry once upon a time. The epitome of what you would call user friendly. fair weathered friend. And her showbiz antics are sickening. Everything about her seems to be an act, you'd have to wonder what her real face looks like. And I know for a fact that she's corrupt... all those nasty rumors are true. The whole family is corrupt. And yet our people tolerate such a leader. Maybe we really are stupid. I for one, would want a leader I can be proud of, and not one I am ashamed of. The only instance when I did like her was when she promised not to run for presidency because she was the source of the countries divisiveness--- which was the truth. And I admired her for saying the truth, because it is very rare to hear some form of truth from a politician. But of course, she showed her true form again and turned her back on her promise. She lied. Funny how this country can tolerate such big liars. When the country had its national election a few years back, I know some people who voted for her though they didn't like her. Their defense was they were choosing between two evils. If I had to choose between the two presidential candidates, I would've chosen the one who was inexperienced with no proof of corruption than the one who had a lot of experiences, especially when it comes to corruption. For me, the inexperienced one is the lesser evil. But then, that's just me. I had to point out that there were other options. We didn't have to choose between two evils because there were other presidential candidates. They said they still won't vote for them because they had no chance of winning. Who decides who has a chance of winning anyway? The chance of winning is just a stupid perception given by press releases and promotional blitz. If the number of people who gave such reasoning voted for one of the decent candidates, then that candidate would've had a shot at winning. I know of a few people who genuinely liked her--- something i don't understand. They're intelligent people, yet they are blind to her ways. Maybe intelligence is relative. Just because you're intelligent in some aspects, doesn't make you intelligent in all others. And I wonder how we continue to tolerate such a leader, with all the negative news about her that are being exposed. In the past, we didn't tolerate such leaders, what makes it diferent now? Is it because there's no better option? That's stupid. With the huge population in this country, there are sure to be a lot of people who are better than her. Have we simply become tired? Have we suffered from too much fatigue that we now refuse to fight? If that's the case, then we deserve to have such lousy leaders.

I can never understand what goes on in the minds of voters. Sometimes, our votes make sense, and sometimes they don't. What's with the predilection for voting showbiz personalities even if they clearly can't do anything for us in the realm of politics? Are we that blind? can't we distinguish from those who can genuinely serve us from those who are just pretending to serve us? Can't we make intelligent decisions? We vote for those who have fame or fortune. We let the media do the voting for us. We choose those who's names are more familiar, we choose those who are featured more prominently on newspapers, on TV... can't we make intelligent decisions on our own? Even in my home town, politicians smell like rotten fish. The microsystem indeed mimics the macrosystem. We've had the same mayor for years. He never does anything productive, and evidently he's corrupt---yet the people keep on voting for him, despite the better alternatives who are pitted against him! Even in the smallest political units, dynasties are made, continuous support are given to those who do nothing, to those who abuse their power, and such support is extended to their kin. Why is it that most of us patronize familiarity even when it becomes rotten, and we are adamant when it comes to change? Even with signs of wear and tear, we tolerate things that are familiar, and we only throw them away when they are damaged beyond repair. Is it because of sentimentality? When our progress is at stake, we have no room for sentimentality, familiarity, nor convenience. Our inaction is viewed as support. Our silence is misinterpreted as content. From the highest position in the land, to the lowest level in politics, everything is rotten. The whole political system is rotten. Change is needed, and I'm not just talking about charter change here. No good will come out of changing the charter if the individuals running our country aren't changed. On a national level, drastic changes are being forced, and such changes can affect us all. We cannot stay aloof while these so called leaders proceed with their dirty business. If we allow these selfish individuals to do whatever they want for self gain, if we still remained silent in these turbulent times, then I would have lost all hope in this country. I would have given up on our people. A few years ago, I was contemplating going abroad because the country seemed to be going nowhere, and the inaction of its citizens further aggravated the problem. Thankfully, something woke them up, and that restored my faith in this nation. I wonder what it would take to wake us up this time.

There can never be progress unless reforms are made. SOme say the system has become too rotten, that change is impossible. Who's fault is it anyway, that the system has become too rotten? Isn't it ours? because we remained silent even as these individuals vandalize the once sacred institution that is our govenment? Reforms are possible. Drastic reforms may be too much to ask, but we can start with small reforms. Those minor reforms add up to major reforms. Even one idealistic individual can start by making that one small step. Our goals can be met as long as we all make small steps, as long as we follow that one individual clamoring for reforms. After all, we all want reforms, don't we? If I am mistaken, then all is lost. What i fear may be true, there may be no hope for this country. We will all rot with the stupid system.

If we remain indifferent and aloof in a time when action is needed, then maybe we deserve to have such stupid and selfish leaders. They are the personification of the punishment that we rightfully deserve.

It is time for us to wake up.

Those Great Movie Trailers

I've been saving a lot of movie trailers in my hard drive--- just those really good ones. For me, trailers can be a form of art. Heck, a lot of trailers are so good, they're even better than the movies themselves. I guess it's to be expected---trailers are meant to entice viewers to see the movies. That's why i often scratch my head and wonder why some trailers suck. Why shitty trailers exist. I guess the studios have assigned the wrong people to handle promotions.

I can group those great trailers into 3.

A fine example for the first group would be the trailer for american beauty. It was intriguing, with that "look closer" adage. The editing was also perfect. And when I saw the movie--- WOW. It became my favorite movie. The trailer did justice to the movie--- or should I say the movie gave justice to the trailer. Both were really good. My expectations were met, and even exceeded. I can say the same for the trailers for Batman Begins. Remember those early teasers? You wouldn't think those were teasers for a Batman movie. Dark, gothic, and intriguing. Of course, i may be biased because we're talking about Batman here. lol. But the fact that the movie met my expectations is a testament to the movie's quality. Movie adaptations rarely please the fanboys.

Next would be trailers that are too good, that you expect too much, that when you finally watch the movie, your expectations are not met. Take the trailer for x-men: the last stand. That was one kick ass trailer. It seemed to promise something epic, with all the battles and destruction shown--- but that epic event never seemed to materialize. It's a good movie, it's just that the trailer seemed to promise so much more. Maybe because it's too short, or maybe it's really Brett Ratner's fault... based from the trailer, you have to wonder about the things that could've been. I can say the same with the trailer for The Prince of Egypt. All the special effects, plus the music created such an atmosphere! Who cares if it's a cartoon?! it looked like a cartoon adults can appreciate! I actually thought i'd be religious again once I saw the movie! lol. The trailer was awe inspiring. Again, i think the problem was the movie's length. it was over too soon. And some of the songs bordered on the childish and annoying side--- I guess you'd expect that from a cartoon.

The third type of good trailer? The ones that totally mislead you into thinking you're going to watch a quality movie, and by the time you've finished watching, you'd want your money back. I already mentioned The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The beginning in a previous post. But the first trailer that comes to my mind would be the one for Message in A Bottle. i don't know why, but i thought the trailer was good when i first saw it--- good enough to make me want to watch the movie. That's a big deal, because I don't really go for romantic movies. Geez, what an incredibly boring movie. I wanted to leave the theatre 20 minutes into the movie. I seemed to be wasting my time sitting through it. I'd like to think I found it dull because i don't really like romantic movies--- but there are romantic movies that I did like, even though I didn't want to see them at first. I think the only people who can appreciate that movie would be the incredibly sappy ones, or those hopeless romantics... or Kevin Costner fans, if they still exist. It's one of my top 5 worst movies of all time--- together with the perfect storm, the extremely over rated Titanic (yeah! I think it sucks!!!!)... I guess that could make a new post. hehe.

For movies i've yet to see, the trailer that makes me wet my pants is the teaser for Spiderman 3. It has just the right amount of scenes to make a fan shiver with excitement. i really hope the movie gives justice to its trailer.

A Lesson In Procrastination

Crap.

crap crap crap crap crap.

Double crap and triple crap.

CRAP!

I was planning to have my laptop repaired more than a month ago, but I had other matters to attend to. Then pre-residency started, and I had almost no connection with the outside world for a whole month. Whan I turned on my laptop a few days ago, everything seemed fine. I was plannning to back-up the rest of my important data before I had it repaired, but since it seemed fine, i was stupid enough to think that the machine was stable, and I can forego doing all those back-ups for a few more days. That's one devious little machine. Just yesterday, It wouldn't load windows at all. Another blue screen just popped up for a second or two, saying something like system failure and it shut down quickly. I turned it on a few more times, and the same thing happened. My laptop, my little machine that i once saw as a lifetime companion, a loyal buddy--- was acting like such a bitch! i tried doing the windows repair from the CDROM... that didn't work either. I wanted to throw the stupid machine across the room! I Still had a lot of important data stored in its innards! Then i discovered that it still worked--- as long as its in safe mode. I prayed that the CD writing function still worked even while on safe mode... and it did! Now I've been burning data for 5 hours, and thankfully I'm almost finished. Stupid little laptop.... or maybe stupid little windows... the machine seems to be in perfect condition except for the operating system. The Windows OS is famous for its frequent crashes after all. Maybe I should've bought a Mac instead... yeah, less people have macs, and incompatibility issues could arise when sharing files with peers, but at least those things seem to last longer before they start betraying you.

Exorcising My Ex

Exorcise. [verb]

1 to force an evil spirit to leave a person or place by using prayers or magic.
2 to remove the bad effects of a frightening or upsetting event.

If only there were ways to exorcise an ex- girlfriend.



I'm not talking about my latest ex. I already have a rather lengthy post about her--- although I could use some magic to remove her bad effects, too. This time, I'm talking about my ex ex. My ex girlfriend before the last one. That ended years ago, yet I can still feel her ill effects. The fact the she still makes her presence felt makes those ill effects linger even more.

We were members of the same religious organization--- that was how we got to know each other. I expressed my desire to court her, which didn't really last long. After a few days, shw became my girlfriend. Which didn't last long either. On the second month of our relationship, I found out she was two timing me. One of my friends, who was organizing a fashion show in college told me about it. When she was asking several people to recommend several models, a girl from another college told her she should ask my ex's boyfriend. Naturally, my friend thought it was me she was pertaining to, so she said she already asked me and I already said No. But the girl was puzzled, and told my friend that she was not pertaining to me, but to some guy in med school. When I found out about this, I immediately confronted her. In an instant, everything became clear. She was the one who scheduled are dates, so our dates wouldn't be conflicting with her duty schedule at the hospital. I was gullible enough to believe her. Apparently, she was scheduling our dates so as not to create conflict with her dates with the other guy. I went to her dorm, but she was not there. Her dorm mate said she was at a bar, organizing an event for their organization. I tried calling her, but she won't answer. She just sent a text message saying she was busy and that she'll call me later. I kept calling her, and still she won't answer. I sent her a text message saying I know she's two timing me and that it was all over between us. Then she called me. At first she denied it, but when I told her several facts I've learned, it made her impossible to deny, so she eventually admitted it. I asked her what made her do it. Did I do something wrong? Were there things that I should've done, but didn't do? She said no. She said i was almost perfect. Her excuse was lame. She said she was being courted by two heartthrobs [sic], and that made it impossible for her to choose, so she chose both. Simple as that. It was that fuck*n' simple. The other guy also became her boyfriend 4 days after I became her boyfriend. She said sorry, but I didn't want to speak to her ever again. Call it a double standard, but I think it's absolutely unforgivable when it's the girl who does the two timing. I just think girls are naturally monogamous, with all the value they give relationships and less on the physical and sexual stuff... and I think it would take an unnaturally, incredibly lustful woman to yearn for more than one relationship. Every day I kept on receiving multiple text messages, multiple calls, saying she's sorry and that she's realized her mistake and she wants me back. She'll immediately break up with the guy once I take her back. I never thought she was sincere. If she was sincere, wouldn't she break up with the guy first before asking me to take her back. WTF! she's keeping the guy as a security blanket! what was he, some form of insurance, In case we don't get back together? The fact that she seemed to be using another guy made me detest her even more. And the guy seemed to think I was trying to steal his girlfriend, he wasn't aware that the girl fooled us both. I don't know what stories she was telling him. I never replied to her text messages, which made her even more pathetic. She also seemed to tell her friends a different version of what really happened, like she was a victim, or I hurt her, that I broke up with her for no reason. It seemed that those friends also didn't know she was two timing me, based from the hate text messages her friends have been texting me. "how can you do that to her? she loves you so much, you pr*ck, you assh*le!"

Here are some text messages from her that for some reason I've managed not to delete from my phone. I've been receiving text mesages from her everyday with basically the same content.

09-29-03. Hi! Good morning! You just crossed my mind... because I'm missing you. Hope you're doing fine. Sorry but I can't help but think of you, memories of you always cross my mind. i guess you're already asleep now, I just wish you'll have the sweetest dreams tonight.

01-13-04. Hi! how are you? Do you have a gf already? i'm really desperate in winning you back. I told you before I won't be able to get over my feelings for you and I'm telling you now I still can't. Pls text back.

01-09-05. I thought you can go out even if you're on duty. I'm visiting a friend who works at the same hospital you're in. Can't you spare a minute for me? I have no boyfriend now. You know who I really love.

Eventually, she broke up with the guy almost two years ago. That's when she sent the last text message. I didn't believe her then, because several times she has sent me messages saying they broke up already, only for me to find out they're still together. She must think I'm stupid or something. I didn't really care anyway. It has been 5 years! i was way over her! I admit I was tempted to get back together with her less than a year after we broke up. But it has been 5 long years! I've moved on a long, long time ago! i wondered why can't she? Does she really love me that much, with the way she keeps on wanting to get back together after all these years? Maybe it's all just an illusion of love. Or maybe because our relationship was short lived, there were still many things she would've wanted to happen between us? Or maybe she simply feels guilty because of what she did. Her conscience won't stop bothering her, and being persistent is her way of making ammends. It doesn't really matter anyway. Maybe she does still love me (though with the way she's acting, obssession would be a better term). but I don't love her anymore... what she wants can't happen. No relationship can happen if the love is one-sided.

The text messages changed though--- a few months after I told her I had a girlfriend already. Miraculously, it seemed that she only wanted to be friends, it seemed that she has accepted the fact that we can no longer get back together. Looking back, it may have been just one of her tactics. i thought we can finally be plain friends, so I made the mistake of asking a favor from her-- I asked her to buy a book for me, because the seller was in PGH, where she also worked. When i met her to get the book and pay for it, it seemed like we were really just friends, nothing more. She introduced me to her co-nurses as her ex- boyfriend. She still sent text messages after that, though less frequently.

Then i had my internship in PGH. She started acting weird again--- probably fueled by the fact that i told her my ex and I broke up because of the letter she gave me. She kept bringing me food when I'm on duty, whcih is something a girlfriend does. The the text messages became weird again.

06-18-05. hey, tell me. Am I getting annoying again? I really can't stop myself from texting you. I've turned you off so many times in this lifetime, even leveled myself to lowly creatures just so I can express myself to you. I can't imagine you've considered me the most irritating person you've known. But I can't help it. I just waned to be heard! I just want you to recognize my existence!SOrry if I didn't keep my promise to stay away from you and not bother you anymore. i'm not asking for too much, just your patience to tolerate my impulsiveness at times. I'm really sorry. I'll try my best to control myself when it comes to you. THanks for understanding. Goodnight!

er--- I saw hints of psychotic behavior there. But I still continued replying to her text messages, and I greeted her everytime we passed by each other, because she never directly said she wanted to get back together like she did before. Maybe she was just being extra friendly and I was misinterpreting her actions. Maybe I was jumping to conclusions... Then September of last year, she told me she was going to the states because her application for work at a hospital in California was accepted. I though--- finally! if the distance can't make her get over me, I don't know what will!

Apparently, the distance can't cure whatever is ailing her. Even if it was expensive, she still sent a lot of text messages. She still called me long distance, just to say hi, and that she was lonely. Then out of the blue...

03-13-06. By the way, I know this will sound crazy to you, but If i propose to you right now, will you accept it? Please do! You're the man I know I'll marry. Please give it a thought. Yup, I'm crazy, and I'm been this way ever since when it comes to you.

She got one thing right. She is crazy!!! what was she thinking? we don't even know each other well enough, and she's asking me to marry her?! Since then, i ignored her calls, I ignored her text messages and emails. If my ignoring her doesn't wake her up from her delusions, nothing will... and it seemed that nothing will. The calls became more persistent. then she eventually got tired.

When I was having my pre-residency, she sent me a message that she was back in the country for vacation. I ignored her text messages. Apparently, she still had a lot of friends in PGH because she did work there for more than 3 years. Strangers have been hounding me, asking me if I changed my number, that their friend wants to contact me, asking why I'm ignoring her... it's so hard to deal with all those questions form people you don't know! Then on my last week, I did bump into her. Good thing i was busy running errands, that we didn't have a chance to talk. She kept sending text messages, the last one I received on my last night on duty. She was asking to have coffee with me because she's going back to the states on the next day. What exactly did she expect to happen? That I would leave my post just to have coffee with her? She knows I can't leave my post in the hospital while I'm on duty even if I wanted to. And of course, I did not want to. that was the last i heard from her, and I'm sure it won't be the last. I'm beginning to think of her as Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Just last night, I felt her presence again. One of her friends in PGH was on duty with one of the clerks i've worked with, and apparently that friend of hers has been telling people stuff about me. I haven't had a chance to talk to the clerk, but the one thing I've learned was that this friend of my ex told her that she knows me because I courted her friend, but she turned me down and she never became my girlfriend. geez. who knows what other lies she has been spouting. I can't really blame that friend of hers. My ex has told distorted versions of what really happened to her classmates and friends 5 years ago. SHe must still be telling distorted versions of reality to her friends now. Sometimes i wonder if women are really prone to manipulate reality to suit their needs, if they're prone to making variations of what actually happened just to make themselves look good, or to make them look like victims. Then again, maybe I'm simply a magnet for women who manipulate reality to their own liking... I'm just prone to having relationships with such liars. That's how unlucky I am.

If only there was a prayer or some form of magic to keep her away, and to remove her upsetting effects. If only it was that easy.

Maybe i should face the fact that i'm extremely unlucky when it comes to love... with two consecutive failures, maybe a lucky charm is what I need.

But with my predilection for neurotic and psychotic women --- rather than a lucky charm, exorcism seems to be of a greater necessity.