Undeserving

My parents, grandparents, and most of my relatives seem to be extremely generous as of late--- at least to me. It would seem that anything I would ask for, they'd give me. They even insist on buying stuff that i don't want or need, for Christ's sake. A new bed. New furniture. A new TV. A new cellular phone. Any new gadget. New clothes. All expense paid trips abroad. Even a new car.

All this started right after I passed the board exams, after I've managed to have an M.D. attached to my name. They seem to think that I deserved a great reward or something, because I've done some monumental achievement. To an ordinary person, i guess becoming a physician is a great achievement--- however, I don't see it as a great achievement at all.

So I passed the board exams. woo-hoo. big deal. I just earned the right to practice a certain profession. If I had the right to celebrate and make a big deal out of things, then all other professions deserved such fanfare. They never made such a big deal when my siblings graduated and subsequently got jobs. What's the big deal with becoming a doctor anyway? What makes this profession so special? I certainly don't feel special. It takes such a long time to become a doctor, and still the financial returns are many years away. I wouldn't want my children to become doctors unless they really want to, because fulfillment in this profession is a long way off, you'd often wonder if becoming a doctor is worth all the time and effort. Also, so many people become doctors every year, I wonder why new physicians are still seen as special. You'd think one should be unique to be seen as special. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a breeze to get to where I am now. There were some difficult moments in med school, but it wasn't that hard. It was fairly easy to get high grades, thanks to that faulty problem based curriculum wherein you get high grades but don't learn as much. There were many moments during clerkship and internship that were pure torture--- days without sleep, stuck doing the dirty work, practically being slaves, trying to find time to do some studying amidst all the manual labor... and with seniors that kept scolding you and watching your every move, those 2 years were far from being easy. Yet I still feel that I don't deserve all these "rewards" they're giving me. I know I didn't study hard during med school. I spent most of my time going out, partying, watching movies... and when I was at home I'd just watch TV, surf the net, or play videogames. I actually watched more TV and played more videogames when I was in med school than when I was in college. I only studied the night before exams, and there were times when I'd fall asleep while studying, so I was not fully prepared for several exams. I would think that I deserved all these if I really worked hard for it. God knows I also didn't study as much as I could for the board exams, which would explain that average that was just satisfactory. If I got a very high score, then I wouldn't feel so undeserving. I can't help but think that their generosity is misdirected. Such rewards should only be given to those who are truly deserving.