These Hard Times

Driving home past midnight. A little kid, around 5-6 years old by my estimate, knocks at my car window, trying to sell me flowers. A little kid. Past midnight. Trying to sell me flowers. Just my luck, I didn’t have any change to spare. The traffic light turned green, and I slowly drove away.

It was past midnight, and yet the city is still very much alive. There’s still a lot of sidewalk and street vendors around, refusing to call it a day, most probably because they have yet to break even yet. A lot of beggars still roamed the streets, gathering around cars every time the traffic light turned red. I had nothing to give. All I could do was watch them, in these hard times.

I want to make a lot of money. Who doesn’t? During this time when the whole world seems to be in recession, there’s an even greater need for it. But beyond my selfish motives, I want to earn so that I can help. Seeing many children, the disabled, the elderly, still roaming the streets at such ungodly hours breaks my heart. And when I can’t even do anything to help them, that breaks me even more.

When the rich become richer, and the poor become poorer--- that just shows how fucked up our society really is. Those who say that the poor remain poor because they are dumb and lazy are so out of touch with reality. Though some may be contented with the life they have, while some refuse to even lift a finger and just rely upon others for the maintenance of their existence, a lot of these less fortunate individuals exert a great deal of effort, but to no avail--- because society refuses to give them the luck and opportunities to turn those dreams into reality. How many farmers toil the soils for the most part of the year, with the hope that they can eventually sell their crops? And how many of those crops are spoiled, because they are ignored and disregarded? For butchers and fishermen, how much do they make? Most of them barely break even. Such little returns for huge investments has become typical. The things we imagine to give us some reprieve turn out to be disappointments.

One of my friends had something interesting to say the other day. She couldn’t understand how several “movie stars” had the gall to flaunt their fortunes in public, for all the world to see, especially during these times. I agreed with her. Although we have no business with how other people spend their money, a little sensitivity wouldn’t hurt. Would it take too much to keep those things you buy to yourself, instead of flaunting those things in national TV? What makes it even worse is the fact that some of those things are simply a waste of money. Fine, if I had that much cash, I’d probably build a nice house with all the comforts that life could bring. Okay, I guess I could buy a yacht because I love to be in the open seas, that brings me peace. But to buy a bag that costs a small fortune? One small designer bag whose value is enough to feed a few families for years? Maybe buying such expensive things give these people comfort. Maybe they don’t care if what they’re buying is impractical, maybe all they think about is the great feeling they get when they wallow in such extravagance. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to be sensitive to the feelings of others. They say they flaunt their wealth to inspire others to persevere. Really????? I’ve been around poor people during such telecasts, and believe me, that’s not the reaction they are getting. They do not inspire, they only harbor insecurities and disdain. If I bought something like that just to make myself feel good, even when majority of the people around me are barely holding on, I’d choose to keep such purchases to myself. And if I had their money, I would give so much more. Donating to charitable institutions every now and then isn’t enough. If I were them, I’d do it regularly. If I were them, I’d buy from those sidewalk vendors instead of splurging all I have at some posh mall. If I were them, I’d buy everything that those street children and old women are selling just so that they could go home. I’d give some cash and food to beggars, never mind if I may be promoting such lifestyle by encouraging their complacency, because it breaks me when I do nothing. It breaks me when I see people living like that. But hey, I’m not those rich people. That’s just me, that’s just the way I am.

A friend of mine works with a lot of these movie and TV stars, and I suddenly remembered several incidents he told me a few years ago. About how a lot of these actors and actresses are so spoiled, acting like such prima donnas, feeling as if they were royalty and everyone around them are their servants. About how they kept on demanding such useless things, about how they kept on complaining about their work. How hard it is. How tiring it is. How difficult it is. So yeah, they may not be able to sleep for one or two days. So what? The money they earn more than make up for their efforts. Two years ago, I didn’t sleep for 2-5 days, I didn’t eat anything for 1-2 days, and I only get to take baths once a week at times. All for what? To earn a measly amount of money? An amount that could barely support my own self if I was living independently? Still, I had it better than most. Let’s look at those vendors, those farmers, those fishermen… the cleaning lady, those people who sweep the streets, those people who take out the trash, let’s take a look at everyone else. Such huge efforts, such huge sacrifices, yet they earn so little. And these actors complain about the stress that they get?! I’d like to see them complain in front of our minimum wage earners, I’d bet within seconds they are going to get stabbed outright. They are so oblivious to the harsh reality around them. If they weren’t, they’d be more than thankful, and they wouldn’t dare complain. What’s so hard about acting? Is it that hard trying to look good for the camera, is it so difficult to shed a little tear? Yeah, not everyone can act, but is it really that tiring?! Compared to the work that most of our countrymen have to face each day?! So what if they don’t get to sleep sometimes, so what if they don’t get to eat for hours? What they get in return is so disproportionate to the effort they give. If they still feel the need to complain, then they could quit. Easy as that. Only then would they probably realize how great their life was back then. Now don’t give me that shit about how it’s all proportionate because they gave up their privacy. As shown by several individuals, there are ways around that. Sure, they can’t get complete privacy because they have become public figures, but there are ways to limit the information that the public has access to. And c’mon, let’s get real here. You can ask any ordinary person. If they were told they’d earn millions in exchange for their privacy, I’m willing to bet that a lot would bite the bullet with very little forethought, only beginning to deconstruct their hasty decisions after they have begun to experience wallowing in such wealth. It’s a fact that a lot of people want fame and fortune, even more so when they are combined. And let’s not forget that an overwhelming majority of these so called “stars” are there because they wanted to. Because of fame, because of fortune, or whatever. There are only very few of them who are forced to be in the limelight. If this weren’t the case, how would you explain the thousands of individuals lining up for all these different talent searches and reality shows? People are aware that such paths, if they get lucky enough, can lead to such big rewards, it leads to easy money. During these hard times, they prove to be even more attractive. I have to be thankful that I’m still better off than most. I’m thankful that I’m provided with everything that I need. I’m thankful that I can give in to extravagance every now and then. I am thankful that I am aware of the reality around me, that I am directly exposed to the plight of the majority. I am thankful that I don’t feel disconnected, I am thankful that I am able to help somehow, I am thankful that I can still somehow relate.

But then again, that’s just me.

Providence

Man, that damn USMLE exam was f*cking hard. All those practice exams could never really make a person prepared for the real thing, I guess. With only a minute allocated for each question, there's really not much time to analyze and think of the right answer when you're uncertain. Crap, so much for my so called testmanship. I was simply guessing most of the time, praying that I'm picking the right answers. During the last two blocks, I was both physically and intellectually drained... I didn't really care anymore, I was choosing answers almost randomly, out of instinct. I just wanted to get things over with.The next few weeks of waiting for the results would be very long indeed. Would I get the chance to get out of this country for greener pastures, or am I destined to work like a dog in my hometown for the rest of my life? I can't help but feel that i should have studied some more, maybe i should have postponed the exam. But any more delays might make me ineligible for next year's match, so I decided to just go for it. Would that haphazard decision prove to be a big mistake? For now, I can't tell for sure. All this wondering is futile though. I couldn't do anything anymore, except to hope for the best.

Still having some hang ups with my recent vacation down south. Man, I really fell in love with that place. It was love at first sight. The sun, the ocean, the powdery off white sand... plus there's always the opportunity to surf all year round! I guess that last thing was the deal breaker. LOL. During those days, I actually thought about staying. I thought about actually living there. It's not really a remote island. There's TV. There's radio. There's internet access. And it's only two hours away by boat to the mainland. But somehow, the island has retained its rustic charm, despite the onslaught of tourists in recent years. Practicing my profession there did cross my mind. One local said that there are only two doctors on the whole island, and there are no doctors within the vicinity of the tourist spots, thus creating huge problems in times of emergencies. So yeah, there is an open market for doctors there. I could milk those rich tourists for all their worth (haha! just kidding), and i could be of service to the locals at the same time... and all I'd ask in return would be the opportunity to be able to surf every day. hehe. I know it's far from home, but when I'm near the ocean, I'm genuinely happy. When I'm surfing, no matter how many times I fall, no matter how many reef cuts I get, I'm still happy. I don't need all the complications that the urban life brings. I can be contented and happy with the simple life. That's right, being a doctor in a tropical island away from home is now one of my back up plans.

I never intended to work as a physician my whole life. I never wanted to be one, but somehow along the way, i've learned to like it somewhat. As I've said before, the feeling one gets when one helps his fellow man is without equal. That's the reason why i can continue to be a physician for as long as I am able, but not for financial reasons. I'd be a doctor for as long as I can help others. I can do this for charity, but not for self fulfillment, not even for financial gain. I can't be doing this full time, considering that this isn't really what I'd like to do. Why do I want to work abroad now? Because the pay is better. That may sound selfish, and in a way it is... but not entirely. I'm not only seeking financial gains for my own needs, I also seek financial gain to be able to help others. Ever since I graduated, I've done nothing but give service to the less fortunate. I've seen their plight first had, I have seen their needs. I don't earn much, because most of what I earn I give to them. It's about time I secured my future because I'm not getting any younger. I want to seek greener pastures so I could earn more, so that I can save more money. Once that's over, maybe I can start some sort of business, and just be a doctor on the side. I don't want to keep on doing something that I don't really want to do full time. Running a surf and dive shop on some tropical island? That would be the life. Giving service to others as a physician on the side, having enough money to be able to give aid to the less fortunate, yet still being able to live the life I want? Now that would be the dream. :)

Whether I've taken one step closer or one step backward remains to be seen.

Here i am, keeping my fingers crossed.

Anti-Social

I like meeting new people, I like making friends. I may be incredibly shy at times, but there's no way that I'm anti social. But there's a right place and a right time for everything. I go to the gym to work out. I don't go there for any other reason. Yup, I've made a few friends there, those people that I have been seeing regularly. It would be hard not to eventually get to know the people I always see every time I go to the gym. What started out as mere acknowledgements and casual conversations have led to friendship. And I get it that some people see the gym as a place to hang out and meet new people, but I just don't go to the gym for that purpose. I let them mind their own business, as long as they let me mind my own. At the gym, I don't talk to anyone unless I really need to--- when I need help with something, or when someone asks for assistance, that's fine. Casual conversations consisting of a few sentences--- that's still alright. But when conversation veers toward so many other things that it disturbs one's routine and prolongs one's workout time, that's just counterproductive. I don't make eye contact, and I keep a straight face. What i do is strictly business. I believe I do look unapproachable, that's why I can't figure out why some people keep striking up conversations about trivial matters. Do I actually have to wear a shirt that says "I don't want to talk to anyone" just to get the message across? This was a problem at my previous gym especially when I worked out alone. When such instances at my current gym arises, so far they have been tolerable--- until last week when this incredibly annoying new gym member showed up. He kept on following me around, striking up conversation. Every time he asked a question, I only answered with a simple yes or no, I didn't even smile at all, and I quickly resumed my work out as soon as I gave him my answer. One would think that would be enough to get the message across, but NOOOOO... he still kept following me! Fine, I thought he was gay, and that was one factor why I was getting irritated. He might have some disgusting ulterior motive. The fact that he followed me to the locker room and kept on talking to me even when I was getting dressed seemed to validate that thought. But that's just one aspect. There were a lot of things about him that annoyed me, and all that following around only served to aggravate matters.

Then last night--- just my luck, he was there again. And as expected, he kept following me, asking me medical stuff this time around. Damn my gym instructor for telling this guy that I was a doctor!!!! Now my answers were longer, because his questions begged for detailed explanations. i tried to be polite, but I still tried to look as unfriendly as possible. Again and again he kept asking questions, and then out of the blue, he asked me which way i'll be going on my way home. Without even thinking, I told him where, and it was too late when i realized i fell for a trap. He then said he was going the same way, and he asked me if it was okay for him to hitch a ride with me. WTF?! Would any sane person ask that from someone he has only met twice?! Just to end the conversation I told him it was okay, then I proceeded to lift weights again. But I had no intention of letting that incredibly annoying stranger ride in my car. When I saw an opportunity, I quickly made a run for it as soon as I got dressed. LOL. I doubt if he already got the message though. I bet he'll still be following me around next time. Some people are just plain dense. Changing my work out schedule seems to be the most logical option then.

For some reason, The gym can really attract all sorts of weird and annoying personalities. But it's a public place, we can't control how others behave. The only way around this problem would be to learn to adapt on our own.

No Humor

I just can't help but feel a sense of pity and a certain degree of contempt towards some people. Recently, a few folks from the workplace discovered my full name. Most people only know me by my nickname. Most people find my name too long, so I'm often introduced by my nickname. In fact, I'm rarely called by my full name--- I only hear my full name when my parents are angry, or during the first day of classes in school, before the teachers ask for my nickname so they can call me with that instead. Presently, the only people who know my full name are my close friends and relatives, or those who have access to my papers. That's one reason why I chose to use my full name on the social networking site I use most often, so that I could filter out the strangers and stalkers. That backfired though--- my classmates from elementary school, a number of whom I've never even talked to back then, have started adding me up because they know my full name. Social networking sites are really full of shepherds--- those people who keep on adding and adding people up, even the ones they have only met for a single second in their lives, in order to create a huge network of "friends"... to create some false sense of popularity, i guess. But hey, that's not what this is about.

So yeah, those folks discovered my full name, and for some reason they found it incredibly funny, and they kept on taunting me with my own name. D-oh. As if that would work. They said I was obviously struggling to keep a smiling face, but deep inside I was getting pissed. They said i was obviously getting annoyed. I don't think my name is funny; it's not even strange. Heck, it's a fairly common name, just not on these parts of the world. Do a search on the net and you'd find dozens of people who have the same name. So was I getting annoyed? Far from it. In truth, I was mildly amused, but there's also that overwhelming sense of pity. For some reason, my name seems strange to people belonging to the lower class, and some children find my name strange too, that's why they think it's funny. And what do children and people from the lower classes of society have in common? Lack of intellect, lack of knowledge--- at least when compared to the educated folks in our midst. It's true, I really pity them. The last time someone taunted me with my own name was way back in second grade, when a few of my classmates found my name funny. That was more than 20 years ago. Now, I find myself in the company of men in their late twenties and early thirties whose sense of humor is at par with that of a seven year old. Now that's something to laugh about. That's even funnier than my name. In fact, that's more than just funny.

It's pathetic, it's shameful, and downright pitiful.

Discombobulated

Just came back from a much needed vacation. My mind was becoming numb from all that studying. It was a great experience overall, but I've discovered a few things that left me perturbed. First off, I just found out that I have violent tendencies when I get drunk. Usually, I do things that are perceived as annoying, but I'm basically seen as harmless when drunk. Yup, I'm prone to harass women when I drink a little too much. And yeah, I tend to punch, slap, and kick my male friends when I'm under the influence--- but that's all in the spirit of fun. I wasn't doing that out of anger. You can say that's a different way of expressing ones friendship. There's some sort of a sadomasochist in me, i guess. But for the first time, according to several accounts, I actually got ANGRY. Angry enough to chase someone with the goal of channeling that anger into physical means. What's worse, I was provoked by such a superficial reason---- a harmless taunt, that I apparently took seriously. And regrettably, on the receiving end was a person that I consider as one of my closest friends.

I do not remember any of that. What I remember are several glimpses of the succeeding events, most of which remain a blur. I remember saying sorry, trying to make amends... regarding the conversation that followed, all I remember are mere flickers. But from what I remember, I can't help but feel a bit depressed.

I can say it wasn't my fault, because I couldn't really remember doing it. But then again, I never should have drunk beyond my limits in the first place. Partly, I could say some of the blame lies on the company I was with... they shouldn't have let me drunk that much, or I could say they shouldn't taunt people who are intoxicated. But all the pointing fingers would lead to nowhere. Either it was no one's fault, or we were all to blame. What's done is done, and although everything seems to be all right now, I could say out loud that every thing's fine and dandy, I still can't help but feel that things are different now. Despite coming into a resolution, somehow a wall has been built, a wedge has been driven deep, and it serves to keep us apart.

I hate being overly melodramatic, but I can't seem to help it. I admit, I'm an introvert. Whenever I feel bad, I choose to keep my feelings to myself. I don't go asking for help... either I try to find the solution on my own, or wait for things to resolve on its own. I'm not fond of expressing my feelings, so when I show some genuine emotion, that's a very rare event. And I would never show my true feelings to just anyone, I would only show what I really feel to people that I consider as true friends. I know a lot of people, a lot of whom i can refer to as friends. But those people that I trust enough to show my real emotions? I could probably count them with the fingers of my hands. They are the people that I really treasure. That's why it came as a major blow when I found out that one of those people didn't see me the same way.

I guess he was provoked because of what I did. Maybe the things he said really didn't mean much, but it meant a whole lot to me. I'm not asking to be on top of everyone's friends list. But to point out that he viewed me as selfish, that I had to manipulate things so that everything would go my way, that he did not view me as such because of my inherent trait of not showing much emotion and keeping most things to myself--- those things left such a huge impression, I was almost shaken out of my mindless stupor. I do not make demands, nor do I manipulate. If ever people see me as such, that's all their perception, those things are not my intention. As for me being selfish? My closest friends know that they would be hard pressed to find a person who would give his own life for a friend (but I would die for a lot of things, so that's not really saying much now, does it?). Most times, I even do things I do not want to do, I say I agree even when I don't, I stay submissive and silent... most times I don't even care about myself because it's important to me that my friends are happy. It's more important to me when these people I treasure are happy. It can't be my fault that people can't see that. Keeping my emotions to myself--- that's just who I am. I don't choose to be with certain people just because they are the last resort, i choose to be with people because I like their company, never mind if they do not like mine. i do not force myself onto others, nor do I impose any of my beliefs onto them. If we don't get along, if we can't reconcile our beliefs, then so be it. Again, if others misinterpret my actions as selfish, that's their impression and never my intention.

No longer depressed, no harboring of ill feelings, but still disturbed. If there's one good thing that came out of this situation, it's that I've come to the realization that i should re-assess the people that I consider my true friends. After all, it's highly inappropriate to show my emotions to people who can't understand my idiosyncrasies and quirks. It's hard to open up to people who can't take me for what I am.

I'm a tough shell to crack. I'm not a person that one can easily understand and open up to, especially when they do not see me the same way as I see them.

Watchmen

Save for the slightly different ending, I have never seen a comic book adaptation as accurate as Watchmen--- at least visually speaking. Every single frame seemed to be lifted from the graphic novel. In terms of being loyal to the source material, most fans would be pleased. Yet, it just doesn't seem the same. Whereas the graphic novel was a multilayered masterpiece, the movie adaptation seems like a cheap and hollow reproduction, devoid of its original essence. Yes, the film is a spectacle, but the whole story seemed to have lost its soul. I hate to sound like the typical fanboy. Obviously, the original literature will always be better than the adaptation. A lot of scenes were cut out--- that's to be expected; it's impossible to fit everything in just 2-3 hours. But as a consequence, the whole adaptation seemed very incomplete. Some sequences in the graphic novel that aren't really part of the main narrative proved to be essential, and all these were not included in the movie. The excerpts from Hollis Mason's book, the newspaper clippings, the medical files--- pages that were inserted in between chapters expounded the whole mythology. Those pages made the readers know the characters more. Even The Tales of the Black Freighter story within a story enhanced the whole experience. Individual aspects from the comic book made it great. Apparently, when even the seemingly insignificant parts are taken out, it creates a less than fulfilling experience.

Now I'm sounding like a fanboy who keeps on complaining about movie adaptations of their favorite books. I can't help it! It's difficult to really enjoy the movie when you've read the original graphic novel. I just can't help but compare it to the source material. It's not a bad movie, it's just not exceptional either. Maybe Alan Moore was right when he said that it was impossible to make a movie adaptation of Watchmen. But what about those people who have never read the graphic novel--- would they enjoy watching this movie? I guess all that eye candy would impress some folks, and some of the themes and dialogues are indeed thought provoking--- that could impress those looking for some depth. But judging from the reaction of the other people inside the movie theater, the film makers failed to make the movie mainstream enough. Some would get lost in the narrative. Some would find the whole alternate America too campy. Those people expecting another 300 will be really disappointed.

This movie won't please most Watchmen fans. I don't think it will turn the average moviegoer into a Watchmen fan either.

Priorities

So my mom's at the hospital. I was supposed to keep her company because my sisters were about to go home before midnight. One has to go to school at 7 AM tomorrow, the other has to go to work at 6 AM. My dad was still at a meeting. I was about to leave the house when my grandmother told me she was finding it hard to breath. When her condition stabilized, she told me not to leave because her condition might worsen again. My sisters live with my parents, while me and my brother live at our grandparent's house. So if I left, only my grandfather and our helper would be left with my grandmother, neither of whom are able to drive a car, in case she needs to be brought to the hospital--- again. And yet, my mother was alone at the hospital, because my sisters already left. They thought I was already on my way because I told them I was about to leave. Someone needs to be with my mom, to attend to some of her needs. I know for a fact that nurses aren't always readily available, especially when you're confined in a private room. And it's gets incredibly lonely being confined in a huge room all by yourself! Man, it was one of those instances that I wished I could be in two places at the same time.

Oh yeah! There's one person who's still not in the picture, right? Where was my brother??? Truth is, I have no idea. I sent him a text messages regarding the situation, and I tried calling him but he did not even reply. He didn't go home for the weekend... heck, he hasn't been home for the past few weekends. During weekdays he's at work in the province, so that's understandable. Usually he's home during weekends. But since the start of the new year, he's been going around the country with his new girlfriend and a few friends, not for business, but for plain leisure.... because he's so stressed out from work, that he needs to take a break and have fun every weekend--- that's what he says. When my grandmother was confined at the ICU for almost a month last January, he only visited on Friday nights, and he only stays for less than an hour before he goes to another one of his mini vacations. He brings a lot of stuff during his visits, as if material things would suffice or even compensate. I heard from him yesterday, asking for medications and first aid treatment. Apparently he got into a minor skateboarding accident. I wondered why the heck was he skateboarding when our mother's at the hospital. Even my dad's upset, and this is one of the few situations when I understand where he's coming from. This time, I agree with him. But hey, my brother is living his own life. The choices he makes are his, no one but himself can decide which actions he should take. He's old enough to determine which are right and wrong, even when his perceptions seem distorted to others. We all have different quirks, some of which others may find hard to understand. If he thinks that skateboarding with his friends while our mom's at the hospital is perfectly okay, then that's his prerogative. It's his life. It's his world.

Talk about your fucked up priorities.

The Hierarchy

One thing that sucks about being in the medical field is the hierarchy. Take a look at some of my entries two years ago, and you'll see how I felt about it. I don't know what is it about physicians that makes their seniority such a big deal. Just because most laymen see them as God, that doesn't mean they should expect their fellow physicians to see them the same way... no matter how ahead of the game they are.

I was talking to a friend who just resigned from residency training a month ago. He said he couldn't take all that red tape and seniority crap. About how someone who's just a year ahead of him can order him around and ask him to do petty things, like buying a can of soft drink during a busy day, and he should buy it as this specific store--- or else. Or how they could ask him to wash their cars, to clean their apartments... things that are definitely not part of his job description as a surgery resident. And when he tries to reason out, the usual response would be "this is the way it has always been. If you can't stand it, then you are welcome to leave." Man, I could really relate. I don't know why some people believe that just because you are training somebody, you have the right to treat them as dirt. I don't know why some people think that just because you are sharing your knowledge with another, that person owes you such a huge favor that you can demand anything from him. I hated the hierarchy so much. I hated it when someone who's only just a few years ahead of you can act so high and mighty. And I most especially hated it when that person who's acting so high and mighty isn't really any good at all. Heck, in some aspects, I'm even better. Back then I told myself I would never be like them when I become a senior. It's just not in my personality to treat others as such. For me, it is better to have juniors who do as they're told because respect they respect you, rather than subordinates who do as they're told out of fear. I'd rather have subordinates who treat you as a friend, rather than those who put a smiling face when you're facing them, but then stab you in the back the first opportunity that they get. But we all know how it all turned out. It would take more time before I finally become the senior resident that I've always imagined myself to be.

Most doctors have huge egos. That statement may be anecdotal, but it's a fact that's widely perceived. I guess it's because they know more about human life than the average person. It doesn't end with med school or residency training. Learning is a life long process. If a doctor gives up his quest for knowledge, he's going to be left behind by his peers. Intellect has become such a premium, so much that when someone comes along who seems to be better, most egos are easily trampled upon--- mountains are made out of mole hills, feelings are hurt, when they shouldn't even be hurt in the first place.

Last month, I had a sort of falling out with a certain consultant whom I used to see as a friend. For those who aren't in the medical field, a consultant is a doctor who is already done with residency and fellowship training. Thus, he or she already has a private practice, and they serve as mentors for med students and residents. Usually, residents put a wall between consultants and themselves. It's not just about the age difference and the disparity of interests that would result from such an age gap... I mean, you couldn't really show everything about yourself to a person who's continually teaching and evaluating you. You have to keep your best foot forward at all times, never show your vulnerabilities. You can't get too close or attached.

But she was different. She treated me as one of her peers... and her behavior is usually not to be expected from someone her age. Heck, most times she acts like me. So eventually, the wall broke down and i talked to her the way I talked to my friends... because to me she was no longer a consultant. She was a friend. And then all of a sudden just because I tried to reason out and I refused to do what she wanted because I didn't think it was the right thing, she had to bring up the fact that she was already a BOARD CERTIFIED CONSULTANT and I was just a mere resident, so I should do as I was told.

First of all, she was not the consultant on duty that time so i didn't think she had a right to put her fingers where they didn't belong. I had a point. If she wanted to do something, shew should do it the next day when she'll go on duty, out of respect for the consultant who was currently on duty. I really didn't understand why that was such a big deal. I didn't understand why she had to bring up her seniority just to push a point across. And even if she was the one on duty, I don't give a fuck if she's a board certified consultant or not. For one thing, I'm not in a training program. She's not training me, and neither is she the one who's giving me my salary. She can bring out all her papers,certificates and citations and shit, and they all won't mean a thing to me. We're all employees of the same hospital. I'm not in a training program. She's not my senior, and neither is she my boss. Now, when she tells me jokes, or shares her problems, or asks for advice, i don't respond like a friend would... i respond as a resident responds to a consultant. Whereas before i was willing to do favors, things that one would willingly do for a friend, now I make up excuses. She chose to build up this wall. If she wants to be treated as a consultant, then that's what she'll get. She can't have it both ways, depending on her mood. I can give her respect, but she can't expect me to treat her the same way i treat my friends. She can't behave like we're equals most of the time, then suddenly bring up how superior she is when things don't go her way.

And come on! I don't get it how many consultants see themselves as gods when they're with residents, as if they're all powerful and all knowing. Fine, the best ones may be all knowing when it comes to their respective specializations, but when it comes to other sub specialties, cracks are evidently showing! Heck, cracks are even showing in their own respective specializations! That consultant doesn't even know how to insert a chest tube properly. She can't handle pediatric patients properly. Aren't those things expected out of an emergency medicine consultant? So much for being board certified. And what does the hospital do? They give so much premium to these board certified individuals even when the residents are the ones doing the procedures... and some of those procedures, like umbilical catheterizations, closed tube thoracostomies, and tenorrhaphies are procedures these consultant don't even know how to do! And the hospital doesn't give due compensation to the residents who do such procedures. Instead, professional fees are given to the consultants! I'm just saying that credit should be given where credit is due. Last week, one patient who got into a vehicular accident and was subsequently discharged by the ER consultant on duty. He came back and he couldn't move his arms. I don't know if it's only because I had sufficient previous training, but when I reviewed the x-rays of the patient I could clearly see a cervical spine fracture. Two days ago, my mom was misdiagnosed. Now she's at the hospital, and what I thought initially turned out to be true after all, I wondered how her doctor could have missed it. Maybe it was his age. Then again, maybe he wasn't such a good doctor in the first place. He couldn't even prescribe the right dose of a widely used drug like Paracetamol. Again, so much for being BOARD CERTIFIED. All those papers don't mean a thing if one couldn't see it in their performance. Instead of displaying those things on their walls just to prove their worth, better to just use those certificates to wipe their asses.

We're all doctors. At the most basic level, we're all humans. We're great at some things, and we suck at others. No one's perfect. Why can't we just accept that fact, so that instead of trying to trump one another and refusing to admit that in some ways others are better, we could just learn from one another and be better ourselves. Is that so hard to do?

Comic Relief

Man, what's with my obsession with everything comic book related recently?! For the past few years I seem to have been experiencing some sort of regression. Up to my early teens, I kept on collecting comic books, but by the time I reached high school, I have already graduated to reading novels for my reading pleasure--- ranging from those catering to the mass market like novels from John Grisham and Stephen King, to those literary classics that most people wouldn't even think of reading. But during my later years in med school, I've rediscovered my passion for comic books. Blame it on time constraints--- i thought reading novels took up a lot of time, and time was definitely not a luxury that I could afford.

So yeah, I've been buying comic books and graphic novels again. Even the expensive oversized hardbound prestige editions. I even bought a few figurines out of impulse... and now they're just gathering dust. Three months ago I even bought a batman shirt.


I remember going back and forth, repeatedly going in and out of the store, trying to control myself. I weighted the pros and cons. Yeah I liked the design--- because I'm what you may call a batman freak... but wouldn't it be tacky for someone in his late twenties to be wearing a Batman shirt? Wouldn't it be immature? And with a price tag of $30, it was pretty expensive for a plain T-shirt. But--- as expected, my sane and rational side lost to the side controlled by impulse. What the heck, I was really happy when I bought that shirt, and at that time happiness too was a luxury for me. Yeah the happiness was fleeting, but it was genuine. That alone made the shirt worth it. I didn't care what people would say. Besides, I said to myself--- maybe wearing a Batman shirt would look tacky on most people, but I thought I could pull it off.... and judging from the reactions of different people the first time I wore it--- yeah, I guess I did manage to pull it off. :)

Last week, I was blog hopping--- I tend to read random blogs when I'm really bored... and at that time i was really burned out from all the studying I have been doing. I came across this blog called Comics N Things. It was pretty interesting, I kept on reading each entry. Hey, I'm a comic book freak, what did you expect? Then I came across this entry:

Hero Action Underwear

Crap. i felt another impulse buy coming. It didn't creep slowly, it came like a tidal wave. Yeah, that's one type of underwear that only a child would wear, but man, i just got to have one of those! I checked out the link, and seeing that they shipped worldwide, I immediately grabbed my credit card and made an online purchase. Never mind that it costs $30. That's pretty expensive for just one pair of underwear! The only underwear that I have been wearing for years are generic white undies, and I wouldn't call those things expensive. Add the fact that an underwear is something very few people would see me wearing (LOL)--- it's like I'm throwing my $30 away. But just like that Batman shirt, I was really happy when it came in the mail. Heck, I was pretty excited for days. And when i tried it on and looked at myself at the mirror, I couldn't help but laugh out loud--- at myself, because of how silly i looked, and for being like a child who can't control his impulses. Man, I just got to have a comic book inspired underwear ASAP. The need was terribly urgent. LOL.

A few thoughts:

* I have to lock my credit card someplace. Damn, I really have to stop spending money I haven't even earned yet!

** The underwear seems to be made of high quality material, so I guess the SRP of $30 isn't really a case of overpricing, unlike the many brands of designer underwear out there. Most are made of shabby material, you're actually only paying for the name imprinted on them.

*** and NO, I'm not going to post a picture of myself wearing my HERO ACTION underwear. If you can't seem to imagine just how silly I looked, I guess these pictures would have to do. hehe. :D

Mac & Me

I just

can't get enough

of my new

MacBook.

Screw you, Windows.

You suck.

I'm never switching back.

Too Many Distractions

After two weeks of being confined at the hospital, my grandmother is finally home... she's still very weak, so I'm not sure how long she'll stay home--- that's one distraction. The definitive treatment was not an option, so we're only doing palliative care, which can be done at home once she's already stable. I keep thinking that we would rush her back by tomorrow, heck, at times I even think that we'll be bringing her back within the hour. She hired a private nurse, so her room looks like a private hospital room now. If she becomes critical again, we have to bring her back. Clearly, the facilities at home are not really adequate.

My laptop's still busted. The repairs would cost a lot--- almost the same price as a brand new laptop... that's how busted it is. I've finally decided to buy a mac instead. I'm so tired of windows and all the crashing that has become its trademark. I've had my notebook since 2004, and within that short timespan, the stupid operating system crashed five times. I had to completely reboot the system to make it functional again, and the whole process of starting over really eats up a lot of precious time. Not to mention problems with viruses and the like. Geez, I really don't know why Microsoft still virtually has a monopoly over the computer market. People should step up so they'd finally listen. They can't maintain the lead when they keep on putting crappy products on the shelves. Once their market share dwindles, that's the time they'd finally listen.

So yeah, you'd think I'd finally get some studying done since my laptop's busted. That was my main distraction when I was reviewing for the local board exams two years ago. It's hard to study when internet access is within your fingertips. But man, I still have internet access within my fingertips---courtesy of my PSP. It's not adequate for media heavy sites, but I discovered that it would suffice. And guess what? For some reason, I decided to try out the infrastructure mode (online gaming) of several games. I've never tried that option before.... WHAM!!!! I was completely hooked! especially with Medal of Honor Heroes 2!--- a game that I was already tired of playing months ago! Instantly, I was brought back to my college days, when the game Counterstrike was tops. Playing with real people online really is a better experience.. Man, participating in a death match is so addicting, I couldn't seem to stop! Crap, last Saturday, that was all I was doing all day, save for the obligatory bathroom and meal breaks. Playstation Portable--- you are the evil incarnate. I should lock you up somewhere where you can be out of my sight.

The hardest part? I'm not used to studying anymore.... I'm so slow, It's like learning to walk again after being paralyzed! Man, at this rate, I wonder if I could really take the exam by March or April.

Still, after having realized that, I'm still finding it hard to press that switch and go offline.

This is starting to look impossible.

Hauntings

It's my grandmother's 10th day at the hospital. It was new year's eve when we noticed that she wasn't feeling well--- an observation she easily dismissed, probably an effort on her part not to ruin the festivities. I was on duty at the emergency room on the first day of the year, and on the wee hours of January 2, he was noted to be stuporous, so they may parents immediately brought her to our hospital of choice. My dad said she was unconscious when they arrived, and her heart stopped beating for a few seconds so they had to do some cardioversion. All that time my phone was dead--- it was a busy day at the emergency room, the aftermath of new year's eve festivities. I made a lot of calls, referrals and such. As expected I was accused of deliberately turning my phone off--- something I chose not to dwell on, else I might be ranting about it again, sounding like a broken record for the nth time. So I only heard the news when I got home... how everyone thought she was not going to make it, how my dad was panicking and made a huge commotion at the emergency room, how final plans have been made in the event that the unfortunate should happen... That afternoon I went straight to the hospital and found her at the ICU, still unconscious.

She has been moved since to the telemetry unit. Her heartbeat is still erratic, so they couldn't just transfer her to a regular room. Her attending physician told us that the definitive cure would be mitral valve replacement--- but that's not really an option. At her age, most likely she wouldn't survive the procedure. It's to in fro the hospital from here on out. Palliative treatment until the fateful day comes.

For the past few days, hospital visits have become increasingly sentimental. She still can't stand on he own, she still can't sit on her own... I wonder if she could ever be the same again, back to the way she once was. She's quite delirious at times, often restless. Making us promise to take her to this miraculous pilgrimage site so that she would be well again... all that catholic fanaticism makes me cringe deep inside. She makes us promise to do many other things, for the family, for others, to preserve a legacy... and during mellow moments, there's all these talk about the past... about how she was so happy the day that I was born--- the first born grandchild always seems to be the favorite of grandparents. How on the first day of school they found me crying under a tree after class because I thought they left me behind. A number of other anecdotes, selected chapters from the book of my life. The last one being how proud she was when I finally became a doctor.

Then it hit me. She has known me all my life. She remembers things that i couldn't even remember. I lived with her all my life, yet i barely know her. I don't know what her childhood was like, how her parents are, what her brothers and sisters were like... all I know is that presently, they have all passed away. I know she wanted to be a doctor, and that she had to let go of their dreams because it was impossible to hold on to your dreams during world war II... all that danger they had to face everyday, problems regarding finances and resources... but beyond that, I'm not aware of the details to fully empathize with all the hardships she had to go through. It's hard to appreciate all the things she has done for us, so that we wouldn't have to go through the same things, if I couldn't relate to those things, if I feel so detached from everything. It's hard to show my sentimental side when it's a side of me that i often choose to hide... especially when there are other family members in the room with us, but maybe, hopefully, when I've put all that pride and unfounded shame aside... little by little, in the coming days, I could finally start getting to know her. I know that if i wait to long, I may never get the opportunity.

Before I left, I gave her something sweet, and something salty, all things i know that she shouldn't be eating, but what the heck. Those simple things are what she has been craving. The smile that i saw on her face as she took several bites was a smile that i haven't seen on her in a long time. It was a childlike smile, the type of smile that conveys happiness that we find harder to encounter as we grow older. And knowing that I may not see her smile like that several years, or even months from now, i had to fight back my tears because I didn't want to show her that side of me, my weak side. Looking at her like that, i couldn't help but cry.

Not A Mere Curiosity

Man, what a beautiful film.

From the subtle yet breathtaking visuals, to the simple yet incredibly poignant story. The acting, though subdued, seems natural and fitting. There's this persistent melancholia throughout the film, with an underlying bittersweet sentiment--- anyone who has ever fully lived through life or thought about the significance of their lives would be deeply affected. And herein lies the problem.

It's easy to nitpick when you fail to fully appreciate a work of art. Lapses in special effects. Several insignificant scenes. A number of boring chapters. Saying it's all just anecdotes and it fails to tell a coherent story. Saying that the whole film basically tries to captivate the audience by showering us with all that eye candy to cover up its lack of emotion. I guess that's movie magic at work. What may seem dull and detached for one person may be a one of a kind experience for another.

Yes, the movie is arguably flawed, but it's still one of the finest films I've seen in recent memory. Some may find it incredibly boring, some may find it awe inspiring. It's because this is the type of movie that you'd learn to appreciate more as you grow older, as you acquire more wisdom, as you experience more of the failures and triumphs, the joys and pains that life has to offer. I'd probably love this film even more if I get to view it again several years from now. This movie is not just a mere curiosity. Even with all its flaws, the sum of its parts is nothing short of a masterpiece.

No Regrets

The last day of each year always puts me in a pensive mood. A time for reflection... about the things I've done, the things I should have done instead... what has been and what could have been... thinking of the future, making plans. Looking back at the same time last year, thinking of my outlook back then, my expectations... the thing's I've done to meet those expectations, and whether or not those expectations have been met. A few hours ago, I've been in touch again with a few friends from where i used to work. What started as new year greetings turned into several exchanges of text messages. I told them I was fine--- not really happy, but i am fine. Some seemed to believe me, some obviously didn't. I guess looking at things through their perspective, it may be a bit difficult to believe that I was feeling okay. Some of them are people that I'm not really close to. They knew the circumstances behind my resignation, and then they witnessed my pathetic attempt to repeat everything. i was in direct contact with them during that month, but afterward, they haven't heard a thing from me. Most of them have this feeling of regret, on how I've wasted an opportunity, how I've wasted the past two years... In a few hours they'll be third year residents, and I would have been a third year resident also if I never left. I would have been a senior resident, instead of languishing indefinitely in the starting position. They may not believe me when I say this, but I really have no regrets. To them the past year may not have been productive for me, but I've managed to do many things this year, ranging from the superficial to those that had a great impact in my life --- things I could not have possibly done if I stayed. Among those things---

I've rediscovered my passion for videogaming! The PSP rocks! It's been years since I've last played a videogame that I have apparently forgotten the simple joys that videogames bring.

New hobbies like surfing! I never would've thought I'd have so much fun being enveloped in failure! LOL.

I've learned how to ACTUALLY look good. I changed my hairstyle, my wardrobe completely overhauled. Just looking at my pictures from three years ago, with all those baggy clothes and military style/ nerdy style hair, I couldn't help but cringe.

TV shows! I haven't watched a TV show for 3 whole years before I resigned! If I didn't leave, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to watch such brilliant TV shows such as Prison Break, Pushing Daisies, Supernatural... and even Heroes, whose first season was absolutely spectacular, it still manages to redeem the horrible second and third seasons.

I managed to have a social life again. I missed the bar scene, I longed for it after all those months of being trapped in one hospital.

I've managed to go to places I've never been before, places I've always wanted to go to, places that I'll never forget for as long as I live.

Having more free time means I'm usually available for different gatherings. I've managed to reconnect with old friends, and make new ones in the process... not just mere acquaintances, but genuine people that I'd probably be friends with for the rest of my life.

I've learned to see the world in a different light. Working at other institutions opened my eyes to the different realities in this world.

I've met really great people. These people taught me new things, they've made me see things through different perspectives. They're the type of people who have managed to touch my life, taught me to be thankful for what I have, inspired me to take action, to reassess my priorities, fight for my principles, and directed me towards the right path that I should take in this life.

I have to admit, a part of me still regrets my haphazard decision on that fateful month in 2007. Heck, if I had not resigned, I would have been a third year surgical resident by now. I wouldn't be a bottom feeder anymore, I'd be someone who actually has balls. The years go by so fast, those two years of being like some sort of slave without a mind of your own would be over in a flash. I imagine what my life would have been like at this point if I held on...but just by looking at that list I made above, a lot of good things still came out of that haphazard decision. Looking at my life from a distance, looking at all the pros and cons, the positives and the negatives, I would still say I've had a good year over all. I've managed to do things I would not have been able to do if I maintained the life of a drone. And because of that, I can honestly say that I have no regrets. I hope that the coming year would be as fruitful, if not more fruitful than the year 2008.

Here's to new beginnings. :)

Gunning For Gluttony

So we were having a family dinner at a restaurant earlier today. We brought our grandmother with us, she's finally strong enough again and able to walk short distances. As usual, a lot of food were ordered, a lot of them high in salt, high in fat, plus a bunch of those that are high in sugar for dessert--- yup, all things that are not supposed to be eaten by my grandmother. She ordered a separate meal for herself, a bland diet that would finally make her doctor proud. I guess the fact that her last stay at the hospital was such a close call finally got to her. Whereas before she would order anything she wanted--- all those that are high in salt, high in fat, high in sugar... even blurting out lines such as, "just kill me if you won't allow me to eat what I want!!!"... this time she was obeying her doctor's orders. I actually found it amusing. I can no longer count the times when I caught her eating something that she wasn't supposed to be eating, only putting on a smile as she held onto the food on her mouth, like a child who was caught doing something he or she was not allowed to. I can no longer count the times I've found a hidden stash of junk food in her room--- under her bed, in her closet, wherever. She was every doctor's nightmare--- the type of patient who is a high risk for everything, and yet refused to comply with the doctor's orders. She was so stubborn, saying she'd rather die than to live like a prisoner, and yet when she experiences her usual bouts of dizziness, chills, and difficulty of breathing, she looks so helpless, begging for immediate rescue from everyone. She says she'd rather die as long as she's able to do what she wants, yet in those moments of weakness, it's so obvious that she desperately wants to cling on to life. At those times, I always have the urge to ignore her for even a few minutes just to teach her a lesson. Nothing seemed to make her realize that she needs to change her lifestyle, not even those repeated confinements at the hospital. But miraculously, this time, it seems that she has finally had an awakening.

Then our food was served. Without warning, my dad put several servings of all that high in salt, high in fat food on my grandmother's plate. I gave him THAT look. He asked me what's the problem. He said it was the holidays so it's okay to veer from one's diet. What a stupid excuse--- the type of excuse you'd expect from hard headed patients and their incredibly stubborn families. Then he said he was only giving her small servings. SMALL SERVINGS?! I wouldn't call that small servings, he gave her more than what my sisters were eating! As for my grandmother? I thought she finally learned her lesson... and yet she ate EVERYTHING.

Geez, the next time she goes into another one of those attacks, don't they dare ask me again what's causing it. She's causing her own problems, and the family is aggravating matters by patronizing her. It's a vicious cycle that would go on and on until the final days of her life.

Bound by Blood

I've never been really close to my brother. I've lived with him all my life, we're the grandchildren who were left in our grandparents' house when our parents decided to move to another home. We shared a room when we were little, and he was my constant playmate during childhood--- still, we never really had a strong bond. For one thing, he was my constant enemy when we were growing up. Almost every day during our play sessions, what started out as fun would turn into arguments, and almost always those arguments would give rise to full blown fist fights. I guess that's a logical consequence when you're fond of playing war games. We fought about a lot of other things, like who gets first dibs at the bathroom, who gets to use the car... a lot stemming out from our differences--- little things that would start out as trivial, suddenly turning into huge quarrels. No matter how much we look alike, especially when he became health conscious during our late teens and lost a lot of weight--- to the point that people thought we were twins, we are very different from each other. We're not just slightly different... some of our differences turn us into complete opposites. For instance, regarding our tastes in music, he likes anything sung by African American artists, be it hip hop or RNB. I prefer alternative rock, and I love heavy metal music--- I love listening to all that noise every time I need to vent off. And I hate hip hop music because to my ears, one hip hop song sounds almost exactly like the others. You can just imagine the arguments that would follow by simply turning the CD player on. Our rooms are next to each other, and when one of us is sleeping or needs to study, the urge to destroy the other person's CD player is very hard to resist. Based on our personal traits, he's the vain one, and I was the one who did not care about looks. He's the more athletic one. He's the more sociable one. If I had to pick up a certain stereotype when we were growing up, In a typical high school setting, he'd be Mr. Popularity and I'd be that EMO- grunge kid who simply didn't give a fuck. Growing up, at least to my parent's eyes, I was the rebel, and he was the obedient son. He was the health conscious one, the religious one, the one who was more buff, the one who shared more interests with my dad--- no wonder he's his favorite son. He's the one with a stable job, the one who gets a huge income, the one who's financially stable. He's the son who didn't give them any problems. He's the son who makes them proud. On the other hand, I was the one who started smoking at an early age and was stupid enough to get caught, I was the one who was on the verge of becoming an alcoholic, I was the one who tried drugs, I was the one who was fond of wrecking cars, I was the one who always answered back, i was the one who tried to fight back, I was the one that my parents found hard to understand. I was the one who always had issues, the son they couldn't pry open because I refused to speak up and always chose to keep things to myself. Presently, I'm the one with no stable job, the one with no stable income, the one with no definite future. I'm the one who still kept giving them problems. When I'm introduced to guests, they say I'm a doctor... and that's that. That's all there is to say, nothing else follows.

All those comparisons made between us definitely weren't helping. For some reason, our parents thought that putting us into some sort of competition would make us grow into better persons. Every time our grades from school would come out, they would compare our grades and say things like "why couldn't you be more like your brother", even though the difference between our grades weren't that much. And since he usually gets better grades, more often I was on the receiving end of such lines. Every time I went home drunk, every time I would do something stupid, every time I did something that they did not approve of, be it regarding my career, my habits, my personal beliefs, the people I choose to be friends with... I still hear that line. My brother was the ideal one, and I was the problem child. All those comparisons made me steadily despise him while we were growing up, and they only served to drive the wedge between us even deeper.

In recent years, we've had less arguments, and I can't seem to recall the last time we had a major fight that resulted to battered bodies and bruised egos. I guess that's just a natural result of becoming adults. We still don't talk much since our interests are still very different. We can't even talk about work since the jargon used in the marketing and medical fields are very very different. But we did have several opportunities to bond. An out of town trip early this year, then going on several surfing trips during the last quarter of the year. And yeah, we've had several drinking sessions during those times, making us seemingly closer to each other from the point of view of another person. But most of the times, we're just civil to each other. We still lived in the same house, yet we hardly talk to each other. But at least we don't fight with each other anymore. Sometimes when I watch Prison Break or Supernatural, I wonder why we couldn't be like those brothers who are incredibly close to each other, to the point that they would do anything for each other. I guess we were simply not meant to be like that.

December 25th of this year. I was time to open our Christmas presents. One of the gifts he gave me was a book entitled Strength Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath, with the words "Now, Discover Your Strengths!" highlighted above the title. My thoughts were--- WTF?! A self- help/ inspirational book?! Jeez, did he actually think I would read this shit? What gift would I expect from someone who doesn't really know me. I just tossed the book in a pile of junk in my room and then left our house because I had to go someplace else.

When I got home, I found the book in my bed. Even in my half-drunken state I was certain I did not leave it there. I guess someone put it there, probably him, I don't know. I opened the book and saw that he wrote something on one of the flyleaves.

Hey Big Brother!

I know you may may think that reading this book is a waste of your time, but I still hope you would try reading it. I believe it will help you discover your strengths, as well as your true character. I think this will greatly and positively impact your professional career as well as your personal life.

I hope it helps you become the world's best doctor, regardless of the specialization you choose. Please tell me your top 5 themes after you've read this book, and then I'll tell you mine. By doing so, I believe we can understand each other better.

Merry Christmas!

First of all... Eew. My initial thought was: The asshole must be high when he wrote this down. I felt a sudden chill, and not in a good way. I'm not the type of person who's into Hallmark/ Kodak moments. And even if I did tend to have several of those moments in recent years, I would never have imagined having one with a member of the same gender, most especially NOT my brother. To be blunt, that letter he wrote was nauseating.

Then I read the note again. It must be the alcohol, but when I read it for the second time, i couldn't help but smile. This time I felt another chill, but in a good way. I suddenly felt sentimental. I still think the book he gave is a piece of crap, but I realize that he meant well. I can't deny all that sincerity. I guess he does know me, at least more than the average person. I guess all this time he was a silent observer, seeing through my smiling facade, knowing that I'm not fine even when I say I am, even when I don't tell him anything. It wouldn't take a genius to figure out that my life isn't exactly fine and dandy right now. If some of the people I work with can see it, did I honestly think that a person I lived with couldn't? And yeah, no matter how cheesy it sounds, I guess he does care. And I guess, like me, he also sometimes wonders why couldn't we be as close as some of the brothers we know out there.

It's never to late to start. No time like the present.

What Evil Lurks

... In the hearts of men.

Last night's tour of duty at the emergency room was more tiring than usual. Trauma patients came in one after the other. As expected, a lot of patients came in because of injuries due to vehicular accidents--- an ominous sign that Christmas is fast approaching... the number of accidents resulting from drunk driving has been steadily increasing. The other trauma patients suffered from stab wounds and gunshot wounds... another ominous sign of the season. All were held up, asked to surrender their valuables, and ended up getting stabbed or shot when they refused. What is it with the Christmas season that pushes several individuals to such means? Is the pressure to provide happiness to their own families for at least one day each year too great, that some people would resort to such violent methods? Do such selfish ends justify such means? The Christmas season may bring out the best in people--- those who are aloof suddenly become caring, those who are selfish suddenly turn selfless... yet it also has the tendency to bring the worst in us.

I remember about a month ago, while I was stuck in traffic, I witnessed with my own eyes a scene that I'd probably remember for the rest of my life. First I saw a man running as fast as he could, with one hand on his side, blood flowing between his fingers. Then several seconds later another man was apparently running after him, full of hate in his eyes, with a huge knife on one hand, shouting expletives as he was approaching his target. Murder was definitely in his eyes, oblivious to the world around him. The fact that a lot of witnesses were around him did not seem to faze him. I never knew what happened afterward, I didn't leave my car. I didn't see it in the evening news... maybe the man escaped, or maybe such events are already commonplace that the media do not consider such things as news.

What would it take for us to act completely out of character? What would exactly drive us to commit cold blooded murder? If man is inherently good, why are we capable of such horrible acts that make us seem made of nothing but pure evil? This season was meant for love and giving, for forgiveness and sharing. How could it be an impetus for acts that completely do the opposite? If this season could be distorted by the selfish motives of several men, I couldn't help but think that evil may be inherent in some of us. No matter how we sugar coat it, no matter how hard we try to hide it, when all the garnishing has been set aside, our eyes would bear witness to the ugly truth. Not all men are inherently good. We may not be inherently anything at all. Our future decisions are derived form past actions, not form something we were born with. Out of need , out of necessity or out of pure want, some of us commit actions that most people would never do. It would be safe to conclude that some of us are simply meant to be monsters rather than human.

Ramblings.

Whoa. It's been almost a month since I've last updated this blog! I've been a bit busy during the first two weeks of December, and just when I was about to post something...

BROADBAND BLUES

Our broadband modem conked out on me. I haven't been able to go online for about a week. It wouldn't have taken that long if only our Internet service provider immediately sent a technician to our house to check on the modem. For some reason, they found it hard to believe that the modem that they've provided would be broken after only two years. They must think I'm someone who doesn't know anything about computers. They kept suggesting that I try this and that, a lot of troubleshooting for the usual problems. I did as they said because they wouldn't send anyone unless they're absolutely sure that the modem was broken--- and as expected, nothing worked. It wasn't the software, it wasn't the LAN card, it wasn't the cable. It was the god damned modem!!! So when they finally agreed to send someone, it took three whole days before someone actually came. After sales support form our ISP definitely SUCKS.

THE TWILIGHT ZONE

That's where i thought I was when I was watching that piece of crap movie entitled TWILIGHT. The sound of all those girls gushing and screeching in the background made the entire experience even more nauseating. For the life of me, I could never understand why some people have been praising this film to high heavens. And I could never begin to understand what's with all that hype. Maybe I just can't appreciate this film because I never liked romantic films to begin with. Maybe I couldn't appreciate this film because i wasn't in the mood for something brainless when I went inside the movie theater. From what I could gather, I guess you could only appreciate this film if:

a) you are a girl within the age bracket of 6-16, and therefore do not look for much depth in movies.

b) you are a girl who is a hopeless romantic.

c) you are a girl with some serious vampire fetish.

d) you are a girl who's a sucker for any movie with a hint of romance

or

e) you are a guy who thinks like a hopelessly romantic teenage girl with a vampire fetish who's also a sucker for any movie with a hint of romance.

As for the rest of the human race, we're better off watching something else. Okay, so it's not really that bad. The basic premise, although littered with several cliches and a number of misses, is actually quite interesting. Kinda like Buffy 90210, if you're into that sort of thing. Heck, I've seen movies released on the big screen that are far worse--- but I expected something more because of all the hype surrounding this film. The whole movie feels like a B movie--- from the cheesy acting, to the corny dialogue, to the lame special effects. I would put it on the same level as The Covenant, which was released a few years ago. If people saw that film for what it really was, I wonder why they can't see through Twilight.

Yeesh. I'm still wondering if I could ever get those two hours of my life back.

TO STAY OR TO GO

Incidentally, me and my friend from where I used to work have reached an agreement. We've decided to take up residency in the USA, having realized that the future is really bleak for young physicians in this country. He has already resigned from where we used to work and we're on the process of studying all those things we've learned in med school again, and hopefully we could take the first exam (out of four) by March or April. And yeah, my dad agreed with this plan, but he says i have to go back here after my training--- haha. not if I can help it. Things holding me back? Yup, there's still my principles, that i'd rather serve my own countrymen, but I guess I would be able to adapt after some time. That's something I could get over with. Loneliness? I could live without my family and friends, part of me relishes being a loner anyway. On the back of my mind, there's only one thing really holding me back...

THE MATRIARCH

Yeah, my grandmother's been awfully sick AGAIN lately. Her doctor already told us last year that she's already counting the days, give or take a few years. She definitely won't make it for another decade, with the myriad of diseases in her system. She was rushed to the hospital two weeks ago, she was already in heart failure. Prior to that, another encounter with the father, about me not being able to recognize that she was in heart failure, about me being seemingly aloof and not caring at all. I've already posted about my issues in this blog, on why I seem not to care, that I'm starting to sound like a broken record. I don't like being a doctor. I hate internal medicine the most, the realm in which her diseases fall into. I hate the fact that even at home I can't escape from the thing I hate the most. To make matters worse, I find the immense pressure of treating my own grandmother hard to take, and the lofty expectations of my family making it even more difficult. She'd make an pretty good case presentation--- one that I would find very hard to present. Diabetes, myocardial infarction, heart failure, recurrent urinary tract infection, nephropathy, hypertension, recurrent pneumonia, and just recently, squamous cell carcinoma, which was already excised a week ago, but we're still awaiting the final pathology report.... hey, at least that last one's surgical... and yet I failed to recognize the lesion for what it really was. D-OH! Yeah, on one hand, I'd be glad to leave. It would be great to be away from all that pressure. It would be a relief to finally escape. But on the other hand, I'd be away for more or less five years. I'd hate to be away when she finally croaks... I owe a lot to her, almost my entire state of being. In spite of everything, in my heart I know I really love her and I'd hate to see her go.

WEDDING BELLS

Back to my friend from where I used to work. We've been having several discussions, one of which was the process of residency applications... which programs were feasible for us, which ones were hard to get to, how to make it easier to get accepted... The fact that the US is in recession won't be a problem since healthcare is one of those sectors not affected by the recession. i.e. there are no massive layoffs, and hiring is still on the upswing. Then he says something about having a better shot at getting into the program we like if we were citizens of that country. He's planning to marry his girlfriend this year, and that girl is a US citizen. As for me? He suggested that I marry his sister, who's also a US citizen (his family migrated years ago). Instantly, my eyes popped. What the fuck?! I'm not going to marry someone I don't even know! He says it would be okay with his sister, we don't really need to be together, and we could easily get a divorce after. I couldn't help but laugh. Was he serious? Apparently, he was. But I just couldn't agree with him. Even if I knew her, I can't marry someone I don't love. Heck, I don't even believe in the sacrament of marriage in the first place, so I don't give a fuck about religious ramifications. And even if it was okay with her, marrying her for the reason of residency applications would be blatantly using her. I just can't do that. Using someone for selfish gains is against my principles.

But there's that wild, foolish side of me that got a bit excited with the prospect of a shotgun marriage. There's that sort of thrill when I think about the idea of getting married just for the heck of it. So who knows? It's going to be a long 2009 for me, full of promise, different paths to take, a chance for a fresh start. Let's just see how things turn out. LOL. :)

Oh yeah...

MERRY CHRISTMAS

May it be a yuletide season for all of us. :)