Discombobulated

Just came back from a much needed vacation. My mind was becoming numb from all that studying. It was a great experience overall, but I've discovered a few things that left me perturbed. First off, I just found out that I have violent tendencies when I get drunk. Usually, I do things that are perceived as annoying, but I'm basically seen as harmless when drunk. Yup, I'm prone to harass women when I drink a little too much. And yeah, I tend to punch, slap, and kick my male friends when I'm under the influence--- but that's all in the spirit of fun. I wasn't doing that out of anger. You can say that's a different way of expressing ones friendship. There's some sort of a sadomasochist in me, i guess. But for the first time, according to several accounts, I actually got ANGRY. Angry enough to chase someone with the goal of channeling that anger into physical means. What's worse, I was provoked by such a superficial reason---- a harmless taunt, that I apparently took seriously. And regrettably, on the receiving end was a person that I consider as one of my closest friends.

I do not remember any of that. What I remember are several glimpses of the succeeding events, most of which remain a blur. I remember saying sorry, trying to make amends... regarding the conversation that followed, all I remember are mere flickers. But from what I remember, I can't help but feel a bit depressed.

I can say it wasn't my fault, because I couldn't really remember doing it. But then again, I never should have drunk beyond my limits in the first place. Partly, I could say some of the blame lies on the company I was with... they shouldn't have let me drunk that much, or I could say they shouldn't taunt people who are intoxicated. But all the pointing fingers would lead to nowhere. Either it was no one's fault, or we were all to blame. What's done is done, and although everything seems to be all right now, I could say out loud that every thing's fine and dandy, I still can't help but feel that things are different now. Despite coming into a resolution, somehow a wall has been built, a wedge has been driven deep, and it serves to keep us apart.

I hate being overly melodramatic, but I can't seem to help it. I admit, I'm an introvert. Whenever I feel bad, I choose to keep my feelings to myself. I don't go asking for help... either I try to find the solution on my own, or wait for things to resolve on its own. I'm not fond of expressing my feelings, so when I show some genuine emotion, that's a very rare event. And I would never show my true feelings to just anyone, I would only show what I really feel to people that I consider as true friends. I know a lot of people, a lot of whom i can refer to as friends. But those people that I trust enough to show my real emotions? I could probably count them with the fingers of my hands. They are the people that I really treasure. That's why it came as a major blow when I found out that one of those people didn't see me the same way.

I guess he was provoked because of what I did. Maybe the things he said really didn't mean much, but it meant a whole lot to me. I'm not asking to be on top of everyone's friends list. But to point out that he viewed me as selfish, that I had to manipulate things so that everything would go my way, that he did not view me as such because of my inherent trait of not showing much emotion and keeping most things to myself--- those things left such a huge impression, I was almost shaken out of my mindless stupor. I do not make demands, nor do I manipulate. If ever people see me as such, that's all their perception, those things are not my intention. As for me being selfish? My closest friends know that they would be hard pressed to find a person who would give his own life for a friend (but I would die for a lot of things, so that's not really saying much now, does it?). Most times, I even do things I do not want to do, I say I agree even when I don't, I stay submissive and silent... most times I don't even care about myself because it's important to me that my friends are happy. It's more important to me when these people I treasure are happy. It can't be my fault that people can't see that. Keeping my emotions to myself--- that's just who I am. I don't choose to be with certain people just because they are the last resort, i choose to be with people because I like their company, never mind if they do not like mine. i do not force myself onto others, nor do I impose any of my beliefs onto them. If we don't get along, if we can't reconcile our beliefs, then so be it. Again, if others misinterpret my actions as selfish, that's their impression and never my intention.

No longer depressed, no harboring of ill feelings, but still disturbed. If there's one good thing that came out of this situation, it's that I've come to the realization that i should re-assess the people that I consider my true friends. After all, it's highly inappropriate to show my emotions to people who can't understand my idiosyncrasies and quirks. It's hard to open up to people who can't take me for what I am.

I'm a tough shell to crack. I'm not a person that one can easily understand and open up to, especially when they do not see me the same way as I see them.