Order Sheet

I really don't understand why some people keep on barking orders. Is it so hard to try and exert some effort by doing something you're capable of doing, as opposed to making others do those things for you?

My brother just got home. H e went to his room not carrying anything. A few seconds later, our maid appeared, carrying what looked like three heavy bags, plus a lot of paper bags. Just when she dropped my brother's things in his room, he told her that there were still paper bags in his car.

I wonder if it's something hereditary. My grandmother bought this gadget, some sort of beeping device. Just one press of a button, then this annoying beep would be heard repeatedly in our house until she pressed the button a second time. By that time, one of our maids would've already asked her what she wanted. It wouldn't be so annoying if I didn't hear that beep every 10 minutes. It's understandable because she does need assistance in almost everything since she's a bit weak these days. But in many instances, those calls are for nonsense things.

And let's not forget my dad. With the way he keeps on barking orders, you'd think he was some quadriplegic who's incapable of almost anything. Give me a glass of water. Get my shoes. Bring my slippers... even when the said things are right there in front of him! Either he gets some ego boost by seeing others doing things for him, or he's just incredibly lazy. During our community work in the province 2 years ago, a member of my foster family asked if she can apply as a helper in our house. Knowing the torture she'd have to endure, I just told her we weren't looking for one. Seeing how our maids only last for a few months, she probably won't last long either.

At times I wondered if it's a gender thing. I don't mean to sound sexist, but back when I was working, the female residents were the ones who keep giving orders. My female seniors were the ones who keep on pestering us with things to do. We'd receive calls and text messages every five minutes asking for updates, checking out our progress in the tasks they've given. Among my batchmates, the female residents are the ones the interns complain about. Who wouldn't? They'd ask them to do even the simplest things. Personally, I don't give out orders. I try to do things myself. In the emergency room, I'd do blood extractions myself, fill out requests--- even if those tasks are assigned to interns. If someone offers their help, I ask them first if they're not supposed to be doing anything else. If there's none, then I'll oblige. When things are too hard for me to do alone, I still don't give orders to anyone. I ask for help instead. There's a big difference. No wonder why a lot of interns were saying I shouldn't have left. Ms. ____, Ms. _____-, and Ms. ________ should have left instead. LOL.

Is it a gender thing? In the hospital setting where doctors, especially surgeons, are still predominantly male... do females feel the need to give out orders to ascertain their superiority? From another perspective, barking out orders can also be seen as acknowledging your weakness--- making others do what you can't do yourself. Where's the superiority there?

Is it about social hierarchy? Do people feel the need to give out orders to strengthen their foothold in their positions? To prove that one is superior than another? Some of these orders are indeed part of job descriptions, but often orders are taken beyond their limits, many are prone to abuse. Many would rather give orders to someone they view as inferior, rather than to ask people for help. They'd rather not risk having others view them as equals, or even inferior thmeselves.

Gym Gloss

It's been almost a year since I last went to the gym. I barely had time to eat and sleep during residency. Exercising was definitely not a priority--- it wasn't even an option. I didn't renew my gym membership because of this. Now that I have time, I thought of renewing my membership--- push-ups and sit-ups in my bedroom can only take me so far, after all. Since I have managed to save some money, I figured I might as well check out the "better" gyms. The gym where I worked out was okay--- the equipment was enough, the staff was friendly... there's no hanky panky going on in the locker rooms either. lol. But i hated the fact that they were cost cutting, and they weren't even discreet about it. The air conditioner is frequently turned off. They don't turn it on during weekends. And when it's on, it never gets cold enough. I don't mind sweating, but it often gets very humid in the gym, i practically get exhausted even when I'm standing still. It gets difficult to finish your routine when you get tired because of the heat.

So I went to check out a nearby branch of one of those famous gym franchises. It's like being in a whole new world. The facilities were top notch. The staff was also accommodating (maybe too accommodating--- they were practically pushing that membership form down my throat). And most importantly, the air conditioner was on, and the entire gym was cool! It's like being in gym heaven!

What I didn't like was the crowd. For one thing, the gym seemed a bit overcrowded. Maybe I came during peak hours... still it would be difficult to work out with so many people around. And a lot of them were not even working out! The most populated room was the lounge where people were just sitting and chatting. I didn't know people go to the gym to socialize these days! If they wanted to just hang out, wouldn't they rather go to a bar or some coffee shop? Another populated place is the locker room. It's understandable if everyone just finished working out and they are freshening up before leaving... but there were a lot of people just sitting there, with their cell phones out, either calling someone or sending text messages. Can't they do those things outside? I think they'd rather do that in the locker rooms because they're enjoying the locker scenery as well.

And what's with the clothes? Designer brands were everywhere. Some don't even seem appropriate for working out. It's like being in some sort of fashion show, wherein my usual attire of plain white t-shirt and basketball shorts just won't do. A lot of women were heavily made up, a lot were dressed to attract attention. Don't people go to the gym just to work out these days? Apparently, the gym has evolved into a place where people are on the lookout for prospective dates, some sort of singles bar in disguise.

I'm having second thoughts. Maybe I'm better off at my old gym. These franchise gyms seem to be all gloss with little substance. i guess because of the exorbitant membership fees, members expect them to be more than just places to exercise. If all I want is to work out, those lesser know gyms seem to be the better option. In those little known gyms, working out is the primary concern. if I wanted to socialize, I'll be better off elsewhere.

Light Bearers

It's funny how you can waste time with some people, doing trivial things, or doing nothing at all. It's amazing how you never get bored with certain people, no matter how often you see them, how often you talk to them. Even when there are no new experiences to share, we're content with just small talk, about things that don't even matter in the long run.

Beyond sharing the same interests, true friends are those whom you can count on through thick and thin. They're the ones who remain present when you are at your worse. They are the ones who are there by your side when all the world is against you. They're not the ones who leave you when you make mistakes, instead they help you correct your mistakes. They're not the ones who are quick to judge you, they readily accept you for who you are. You can count on them for almost anything, and they won't expect anything in return.

That's what people say when you ask them to define true friends. Beyond all those clichés, friends are also the people who make you feel better, who gives you a brighter perspective in life, even when they don't do anything. A simple smile can give comfort, and when you look into their eyes you see utmost sincerity. No words are needed for you to understand each other. Their mere presence give you the strength to hold on.

As they say, lovers come and go, but friendship can last a lifetime. When lovers stay, isn't it true that they remain by your side because they've become your friends as well?

I am thankful that I have a few such people present in my life--- people that I can call true friends. Those few people who really understand me. Few people that I can ask to stay with me as I quietly watch the sunset, without bitching how boring it is, even if they really think it's such a waste of time. When the sun has set and clouds fill the sky, they give me hope and shine a light as the world is enveloped in darkness.

Bitter

I was about to take a bath when my ex called me on my cellphone. Yup, that's right. THAT ex. No, I don't have her number stored on my phone. Can I be blamed if I still remember her number? It rang for about 5 seconds, and then she hung up.

I was stupefied.

Dumbfounded.

Frozen.

I couldn't move for about a minute or so.

Why the heck would she call, after all this time? I couldn't think of any possible reason. What happened between us was so long ago, I'm sure I wasn't mad at her anymore. I'm sure I was no longer in love with her either. I don't even want to talk to her. but a few minutes after she called... I imagined holding her hand, touching her face, kissing her lips... Still, I'm sure I don't feel anything towards her. Not anymore. I'm ambivalent. That was just plain curiosity that I felt. I'm just wondering, why the heck would she call?

Then I remembered her favorite food.

Her favorite dress.

Her favorite restaurant.

Her favorite movie.

The places we went.

The place were it all began.

How it all ended.

My curiosity got the better of me, even though I didn't want to make any contact with her... So after an hour I sent her a text message:

"?"

simple as that.

After about 15 minutes, she replied.

"Hi! I'm just updating my phone book! May I know who this is please? =)"

...


Bitch.

That mother f*cking good for nothing BITCH!

Updating my phone book my ass! Would she store any phone number in her phone book without an accompanying name? And let's say my number wasn't stored in her phone book. Why would she dial my number? WTF?! was it written in some random scratch paper, that she had to find out who's number it was? Or did she dial the number from her memory, completely forgetting that it was I who owned that number? If that's the case, then she's not just a good for nothing bitch, she's also one incredibly STUPID bitch!

And if I haven't forgotten her number, I doubt if she would forget mine. She was able to memorize my number way before I was able to memorize hers!

Or maybe that was a prank, orchestrated with those good for nothing stupid skanks that she calls her best friends? They just had to know how I would react. It would be extremely funny to see how I would react.

Maybe I'm just over reacting. I was caught off guard, so maybe I'm being extremely paranoid as a result. but if I'm not...

I hope she loses both of her precious ovaries.

I hope they all burn in hell.

Pimping the Bricks

Of all the toys I've played with during my childhood years, Lego toys were my favorite. Dino Riders action figures were a far second. I just can't get enough of those bricks. I couldn't wait to open each box and then follow the instructions on how to build those miniature buildings. Then I'd tear the whole thing down and make some original creation.

For the lack of anything else to surf while I'm waiting for some files to finish downloading, I visited the Lego official website for the first time. WOW. The latest revisions of the Lego castle, city, and space lines were amazing. The line up during my childhood years looked archaic in comparison. Then I looked at the other products.

Star Wars Lego? Harry Potter Lego??? Batman Lego?!!!

WTF. Lego has pimped those bricks! Since when did they have to resort to product licensing to sell those toys? Isn't the Lego brand enticing enough by itself?!

I'm in no authority to say what children like these days. Maybe Lego toys are viewed as uncool or passé these days. Maybe it's a business decision to keep up with the times, so as to prevent the company from going belly up.

It's just that... I can't help but feel that Lego and some of those licensed characters are mismatched. Star Wars looks pretty okay... It's quite similar to their space line... I'm no Harry Potter expert, but those Lego Men Harry Potter replicas all look so stupid. And look at the Batman Line up:




Batman has never looked so... UN-menacing.








The Joker has never looked so silly. Not funny at all. He doesn't look psychotic, he just looks dumb.








So the Penguin isn't vertically challenged anymore? He has Lego to thank for that.







And Catwoman... has never looked so UN-sexy... so UN-seductive. She looks like a 50 year old overweight pimp for crying out loud.





No doubt it's a top selling line. But the whole thing looks so forced and mismatched, i can't help but think of the whole line up as visual reminders the Lego brand has sold out.

Emotional Vampires

This could be a sort of post-halloween entry.

I was having coffee with a friend earlier today, and she was complaining about friends of hers who were "emotional vampires". I've read the term somewhere before, but that was the first time I've heard someone use it in actual conversation. Definitions vary. Her definition was any person who can get you all bogged down with their emotional turmoils, that they can literally suck all the joy and life out of you. She then goes on wondering how she can be some sort of an "emotional vampire magnet". A lot of her friends allegedly run to her for comfort and advice whenever they have problems, despite her harsh and unapproachable exterior. I know what she meant. She's not the type of person who has the patience to listen to another person babbling for hours about his or her problems. I can't even imagine how she can be sincere with the advice she gives, because I'm sure deep inside she's thinking of something else she'd rather be doing. lol. I know she's not comfortable listening to another person's woes, because she's an "emotional vampire" herself. For the past year or so, ever since I got to know her, I'm the person she calls whenever she's pissed about something, or when she's drowning in despair. Her reasons might be superficial, but I knew those reasons are a big deal to her, so I try to listen intently each time, I and I had to make time even if I was very busy with a lot of things. She said we became close because I was the only one she knew who was willing to listen. Her other friends had bigger problems--- they'd rather not bear the burden of the problems of others when they have problems themselves.

For the past few months, I guess I was slowly transforming into some sort of an emotional vampire... but I always fight the urge to become one. A lot of times, I've been tempted to call friends, just to hang out. But I seldom poured out my problems. I don't want to pull them down into the depths of my depression. Instead, I keep a happy facade. At times, I'm already content just sitting quietly with the company of friends, looking at some view, relishing the serenity. I seldom open up because there's this lingering doubt. Very few people are willing "victims". Very few people really care, and even less give genuine advice. Are they really sincere when they ask the questions "what's the problem?", "can I do anything to help?". Or are most of them like the friend I was with earlier, pretending to offer a hand, a shoulder to cry on--- when in truth they are doings these things reluctantly? I'm thinking it's not fair to share our burdens with others. A few drinks even when alone, while listening to EMO rock can numb everything anyway, albeit temporarily. When I really want to express myself, this blog is an effective outlet. I can express my thoughts without worrying if I would pull down others with my emotions. Whoever chooses to read my entries do so voluntarily. I'm not forcing anything on them. And whoever gives advice also do so voluntarily. They give advice because they really want to, not because they were forced to... not because they feel it's their duty or obligation. That's just the way I am. I never ask for help in anything unless I really can't finish the task on my own. The best help one can get is the one that is given willingly. Anything offered without sincerity may result to more harm than good. When it comes to emotions, those who offer false sincerity could only make you linger in the shores of melancholy, perhaps even drown you in your ocean of despair.

Y: The Last Man

I've already finished reading all volumes of the Sandman graphic novels last December. Afterwards, I immediately planned on reading other titles from the Vertigo line of DC comics--- the so called "comic books for adult audiences", when schedule permits. Upon looking at the titles available at the Vertigo web site, 2 titles piqued my interest. Preacher and Y: The Last Man. Both titles also had very favorable reviews from both critics and comic book fans, so I figure I might as well check them out. Since I can't seem to find copies of preacher locally, I guess Y: The Last Man won by default. hehe. I bought the first two volumes last week to try it out.

The series is still currently ongoing. I think there's one more issue left before the series finishes its run. Each volume contains roughly 5 chapters, so I may have twelve volumes to go through. The premise is familiar enough. We've heard it all before in some form or another... What if some sort of virus or plague swept through the entire world, effectively destroying every living thing with a Y chromosome? Everything, except for one human male--- Yorick Brown, and his pet monkey Ampersand. This scenario may be what every teenage boy's wet dreams are made of, but the series never forays into the obvious sexual trappings that it can easily lead to :) The concept may not be entirely novel, but the way the story is told is highly original. This is science fiction at its best. There are enough twist and turns to keep readers glued to the pages. There's enough action and drama, we can't help but emphatize with these characters.

The compilations are cheaper compared to others (like Sandman for instance), so we shouldn't really expect much in terms of packaging and extra features. The paper quality looks cheap, slightly rough and obviously recycled. In terms of compilations, this is as "bare bones" as it gets. There's no introduction, no afterword, no artwork (except for a few sketches at the end of volume 2). It's as if they simply put several issues together and bound them into a softcover. The artwork isn't very good either. I wouldn't say that it's amateurish... it's just that it's very ordinary. The cover artwork for each issue is actually pretty good, they should've gotten the same artist to draw the contents as well. But I'm not buying it for the artwork. I'm not buying it to show off to my friends. The series has remained on the best seller list because of the story, and that's the same reason why I'll continue reading it.

I heard a movie is in production--- the rights have been bought by New Line Cinema. And there's a chance that it's not going to suck because Brian Vaughan, the creator of the series, is also writing the screenplay! Shia LaBeouf is also rumored to star. If true, then I agree with that casting choice. After seeing him in Transformers, I'd say he'd make the perfect Yorick Brown. :) That's another movie to look forward to in te near future.

I'm off to buy volume 3 now. :)

Hit and Miss

I don't even know why I'm posting this.

random ramblings. Nothing logical. just thinking these random thoughts out loud.

Saturday night. I went to a bar with some friends. Got drunk again. Sometime that night, I've managed to hook up with some girl. I can't even remember her name. I'm not even sure if I asked her name in the first place. I left my friends at around 3 AM and we went someplace else. Somewhere private. It was nothing special. It was good, but not extraordinary. At one point she mentioned that she seemed to be doing most of the work, which made me realize that I am indeed lousy in bed. lol. When we were done, we ended up cuddling--- which is out of the ordinary for me when all I want is something casual. I usually wash up and then head for home after a one time gig. I'm not the type who's into hugging and cuddling and all that sweet stuff. I love yous were exchanged, but that was just the alcohol talking. There's no way it could've been love. Before we parted ways, we decided not to exchange numbers... it was just casual after all. If i wasn't so intoxicated then, I would've thought there was sadness in her face. She said it's kind of a pity that we met under such circumstances. If we met on some other occasion, we could've been friends, or maybe something more. I agreed... but meeting the way we did, maybe we were not meant to share something deeper. She didn't live nearby. She was just on vacation when we met. She'll be leaving the next day. I'm pretty sure I'd never see her again. Which is just fine, since it was only a one time thing. There's nothing more to it. Or so I thought.

When I woke up, I had this weird feeling. I had a minor headache, but I knew I was already sober. I felt a bit lonely. I felt regret. While intoxicated with alcohol, I wasn't capable of deep thought. Once sober--- I felt that there was something there. There was a connection. A CONNECTION. I couldn't have an instant connection with just anyone. We talked about life, plus some other profound stuff. And we cuddled. All of those things no one would do during casual encounters. It could have been something deeper. I never thought that something deep could come out of something casual, that's why I never entertained the possibility. It would be laughable finding love in such circumstances, right? Such scenes are straight out of those romantic comedies. I'm not romantic, so why am I now romanticizing things? Was there really something there? An opportunity that I could've grabbed, but then chose to miss? Or am I just seeing illusions? I'm seeing something that's not really there, because of a subconscious need to be in a relationship even if I tell myself that I don't need to be in one?

It's crazy to entertain such silly thoughts. It's even crazier that I'm dwelling on them. I can't seem to let go of the fact that there was something there. There was that possibility that could've been a reality. It would be easier to imagine if only I got her number. and it would have helped a lot if I at least remembered her name.

Awakening

I've been watching the news channels during the wee hours of the morning these past few weeks. I prefer not watching those TV series. If I got hooked, I may not have time for anything else again. LOL. So it's either news or documentaries. Images of terrorist attacks continue to litter the headlines. Bombings. Mass Murder. Images of people wounded and hurt. Along with persistent feeling that i wanted to help. I wanted to do something, instead of simply watching their plight comfortably seated in front of the TV screen at home.

Earlier this week, while i was walking along my neighborhood, I bumped into someone who knew me. She was the one who saw me first, and she immediately ran towards me. This woman whom I wasn't familiar with, smiling, running towards me. Turns out, she was the mother of one of my patients during my trauma rotation. She mentioned her child's name and pretended to remember. Of course I could not exactly remember who he was, because of the huge number of patients I've encountered for the past few years. Months have passed, and yet she could not stop thanking me for treating her child so well. I was with my grandmother then, and there was an expression of undeniable pride on her face.

Yesterday, we went to the province for our annual tradition of honoring our departed loved ones. This was one tradition i never looked forward to. I remembered thinking that I'd rather be on duty at the hospital than spend the whole day doing next to nothing in the family mausoleum. Our ancient ancestors were buried there--- people I never (or barely) knew. Personally, I would rather visit my departed grandfather's grave in the city. But traditions are hard to break, i guess.

Back in June, one of our consultant's patients was a familiar face. He occasionally worked as our carpenter, fixing things around the house. He was diagnosed as a possible case of gastric cancer--- a diagnosis that never became definitive because they opted to go home instead of finishing all the necessary work-ups. He lived near the mausoleum. Presently, he was weaker and thinner compared to when I last saw him. He asked several questions, which I am not in a liberty to answer because I was no longer affiliated to the hospital.

These past few days seemed to have been enlightening. I know that I still don't want to be a doctor, and I silently cringe hen I think about making a career out of it for the rest of my life... but all those years spend in med school has given me the knowledge and skills to make a difference. It seems like an awful waste to not use them. It even seems shameful. Maybe there's a reason why I've found myself walking along this path, begrudgingly. What use are our talents and skills if we do not use them? Not everyone is a doctor. In life, we have different roles to play, we have different skills to contribute. I can't just sit back and do nothing, knowing that I am capable of doing something. I may be uncertain of this medical career, but I am certain of one thing--- I do want to help. Nothing beats the emotional high one gets when you become aware that you have made a difference in other people's lives, that you have made their lives easier... better. I may feel "forced" into a career that I never really wanted to be a part of, but i never feel that I am forced to reach out and help another.

If only I've managed to keep things in the proper perspective, i wouldn't have stalled as i traveled along this path. Even when we take all things into consideration, all those sacrifices we have to make, all those walls we have to hurdle... having a medical career is still rewarding. Going back wouldn't be too bad at all.

Tedium

There was a time when I felt scared during this time of the year. Halloween was okay--- it was even somewhat fun during my late childhood when we went trick or treating. But then on the succeeding days--- All Saint's Day and All Souls Day, my imagination went wild. I would be filled with thoughts of ghosts and ghouls, as if supernatural beings preferred making their presence felt on these two days even if there were 363 other days to choose from.

I used to think Christmas was extra special too. I thought it was magical. Back then I still believed in Santa Clause. I looked forward to the gifts and feasts. I get excited every time we went to theme parks. I looked forward to every single thing we did during this time of year.

I used to excited when my birthday is approaching. For one day of each year, I felt extra special. Who wouldn't be? On that certain day, I would be the center of attention. Parties were thrown in my honor. A lot of guests would arrive, each one giving gifts. Childhood naiveté made me think that no other person was honored on that day---- that date was mine alone. At Christmastime, children all over the world would compete for Santa's attention. On my birthday, I don't have compete with anyone. For one day each year, I felt like a little prince.

Then every day became monotonous. Each day was the same. My eyes were opened.

That was the day I grew up.

I wake up at a certain time. Eat breakfast, take a bath, go to school or work, go home, eat dinner, watch a little TV, then sleep. Then the cycle would repeat itself. Some days, i would do other things to spice up the monotony a bit. Go to the mall, hang out with friends, watch a movie, go on a trip... but on most days, every action seems to be so... mechanical. It's like we're programmed to carry out the same tasks, like drones on some intangible assembly line, waiting for our turn to carry out our functions. Christmas and all those holidays are just like any other day, only with certain activities added to differentiate them a bit from the rest. Even those differences fail to break the tedium, since the same traditions are done every single year. The magic is gone. There's no Santa. There are no monsters hiding in the dark. My birthday is just like any other day only I'm another year older. The day I live out my function only becomes closer.

If I never grew up, I never would have become aware of how monotonous life is. No wonder children can be happy with such trivial things. They can reach levels of bliss that adults can only reminisce about. They can feel happiness that adults can only wish for.

Ignorance is indeed bliss.

Absolute Kingdom Come

Someone should really slap me on the back of my head for wasting so much money. :O

SRP is $75?! That's enough for a cranial CT scan. That's enough for half the needs for a major operation. That's a lot of meals for that child begging on the street. Wasn't it just months before, that I found it hard giving that much money to patients even when they have better use for that amount of money?

What the heck... What's done is done. I do feel happy with my purchase. And i guess it's okay to indulge on selfish pleasures once in a while. For the past few years, I have always put the welfare of others on the forefront. :)

I've succumbed to temptation. Just 2 weeks after buying an Absolute edition of a graphic novel... I bought another one. One that's even more expensive. The Absolute Edition of Kingdom Come.

The story is told through the eyes of Pastor Norman McCay. It takes place years in the future, when the old superheroes have retired, replaced by a new reckless generation. The Spectre chose the pastor to watch the conflict between superhuman and humankind and decide who is at fault for the impending apocalypse. The mixture of religion and fiction blends perfectly. The story, although a bit short, is revolutionary. It's way up there with Watchmen and The Dark Knight Returns. I won't be doing a review of Kingdom Come here. Reviews are already scattered on the internet. Unanimous praise was given, and I agree 100%. Instead, i'd like to focus on the packaging.


The Slipcase: I'm not really fond of it. I remember seeing this a year ago, and I thought "what an tacky looking cover". It really looks cheesy and unappealing, at least for me. The other graphic novels in Absolute editions look elegant. A plain black or white background with silhouettes would be more appropriate. Or if they wanted something with more color, they could've picked any of the artworks included in the book, like the ones shown below.



The graphic novel itself looks great. Covered in leather, it really looks like something of great value. One could mistake it as sort sort of religious book. The artwork by Alex Ross is indeed exceptional. The realistic approach fits the apocalyptic story well. The great artwork alone justifies the purchase. Every frame and panel looks like a freakin' painting!




There are tons of extras too. Early sketches, interviews, character profiles, and easter eggs are all here. This is a definitive prestige format. The epic story deserves to be read in an absolute edition. Even with the cheap looking slipcase, it is still worth the purchase. I can see where the $75 went. :)

Charades

I'm down with the flu for almost a week now. I thought I was getting better, I actually went out last Saturday. When I woke up yesterday, my coughing was worse and my throat felt even more sore. So much for thinking that it's only a self limiting illness. It's about time I took some medications.

I've been having a hard time trying to sleep again. It was even more problematic this week since I can't find the most comfortable position. At this position, i found it hard to breathe. Shifting to another position resulted in a coughing fit. Crap, i hate being sick. It feels like being trapped.

Because I wasn't feeling well, i didn't get out of bed even if my mom and dad already went to my room to remind me that we will be hearing mass at 5 PM. I just slept again as soon as they left my room. At around 4 PM my dad got really mad since I haven't even eaten lunch yet. We're going to be late for mass. I told them I'm not going to church. As expected, it turned out to be a big deal. The broken record started playing again. The one that goes "what's happening to you... what are you doing with your life... you're out of control... you can't just do anything you want... YADDA YADDA YADDA!" Crap, isn't it apparent that I'm not feeling well? It's not like I'm not going because I suddenly felt like not going. If they could wait, I could be ready for the next mass... but of course that's not going to happen because there's a family dinner scheduled right after the mass. I wanted to finally admit that I don't see the use of going to church every Sunday because I'm agnostic! I don't believe in what those holier than thou individuals have been preaching every week! But of course I can't say that. My overly religious grandparents might have a heart attack with the sudden realization that one of their grandchildren has lost his way... heck they might even blame themselves. And I was in no mood to argue anyway... saying something like that would amp up the broken record, continuing to the next verse where the familiar line "you have been hanging out with the wrong people" is mentioned again and again. As if I can't believe in something without the influence of other people.

After the mass, they went back to pick me up. I wasn't quite ready yet. Again, that was such a big deal. I heard a repeat of the earlier sermon, with the added lines that I've become so selfish and I don't care about anything anymore blah blah blah. We can't be late because we have very important guests. Sheesh. Could the day get any worse? Again I have to pretend to be overly sociable, I have to keep this smiling face, I have to pretend that I'm actually feeling well. Again I have to put on a show for people I barely know. To create the illusion that I'm the good son. A happy member of the ideal family. "Picture Perfect", "ideal"... words I often hear when folks describe our family. Most would probably be surprised when they see how dysfunctional we can get. Picture Perfect is right. We only look good in pictures, because that's how we must project ourselves. Keeping the proper image is important, i was once told. Imperfections aren't welcome. The best possible image should always be shown.

Being true to myself may have a lot of repercussions. People can get hurt. Maybe it's true that underneath this facade, when all the glitter is taken away, I'm nothing but a spoiled brat. Selfish. Inconsiderate. I know that's not really who I am... but the mere fact that some people think of me that way, I realize that all those accusations are partly true. It would probably be great if we can all act freely and show our real selves without the fear of possible ill effects... but a life completely free of pretensions cannot be free of repercussions. What we are may not fit with the accepted norms. Every decision, every action will have an effect on others. People will be shocked. People will be offended. People will get hurt. If only our real selves are as beautiful as the images we try to project...

If only the real me wasn't so imperfect, I would've ended this charade a long time ago.

A "WTF?!" Moment

Earlier today, my mother asked me if I had some free samples of topical creams or ointments. I said no, the only samples of medicines that medical representatives give me are pain meds, though sometimes I'm given some oral antibiotics. After some time, she asked me about certain infections in the genital area. I thought, "why the sudden interest?" I didn't ask her directly, but in my mind i already knew why. Then my dad came in looking at my stuff, then he found a topical antibiotic cream. He asked if it can relieve itching. I said it depends. If the source of the itching was fungal, that cream won't work, it can even make the lesion worse. After several hours of dilly dallying, my mom finally said she felt something itchy in one of her private areas. I asked her if there were any more symptoms. I asked her what it looked like. She then said it might be better if i took a look at it.

WTF.

Does she honestly think I would take a look at it?! Er... It would be okay to ask me about a fever, a cold, cough, flu, cancer whatever. Even STDs as long as we remain on the theoretical aspects.... I'm used to seeing people's privates--- but seeing private parts of close relatives would be really really really weird for me. Wouldn't it be a little bit weird for her too?

I told her to see her gynecologist instead. It's probably nothing anyway.

This is the normal reaction, right? :O

Absolute Editions

DC comics has been publishing over sized editions of their best selling graphic novels for two years now, i think. I have seen those being sold in book stores and comic book shops, but I never considered purchasing them. First reason: those books seem to be created out of greed. Another attempt to get the fans to buy books that they already have, by creating even better editions. Just like those movie companies initially releasing dvd titles with little extras, then months later releasing the same movie with more extras... then after a year or so, you'll see another release saying it's the directors cut, or the ultimate edition, or the absolutely final and most complete edition.

Another reason: I ignored those titles out of preference. Sure, they'd look good in any bookshelf... an over sized hard bound graphic novel that comes with a slipcase--- the ultimate packaging. How can a comic book be even more special than that? But I knew I wouldn't prefer reading a huge comic book. That's a lot of weight to carry around. Besides being overweight, those things are also ridiculously overpriced. They range anywhere from 50 to 100 dollars. Why spend that much money just to read a story that you'll finish in one sitting? And besides, I already own the "normal" editions of those comic books. i wouldn't waste my money for the same comic books, no matter how many extras they pack in those new editions.

Two days ago, I went to a comic book shop to have a gift exchanged. A friend gave me a volume of Sandman, not knowing I already have all volumes. lol. Anyway, I was looking for a replacement, when I saw Batman: Hush volume 1. I've been looking for that book last year, but I could not find a copy. I chose that to replace the gift, and then I told the saleslady that I'm going to buy the second volume. Then she said that it was out of stock. Bummer. Then she said they have the absolute edition, which contains both volumes--- i could buy that instead. I laughed at first. I thought, you'd never get me to buy an absolute edition. Then I saw it. It really looked... nice... elegant. A black slipcase with the word HUSH in bold letters, containing both volumes of the softcover I wanted to buy. I didn't know what got into me... some sort of over excitement, as the child within me suddenly woke up from hibernation when he saw something he liked... I felt that I NEEDED to buy it. I WANTED it immediately. It was ridiculous to spend all that money for a graphic novel... but I was also ridiculously happy. I was down in the dumps for days, and just like that I was inexplicably happy. I guess that alone is enough to validate my action. :) I couldn't wait to tear open the packaging and savor my new purchase.

The story was great. Not over hyped as some fans were saying... I guess it's hard to live up to the hype when the writer is Jeph Loeb, and the illustrator is Jim Lee--- both well renowned, their collaboration was highly anticipated. The story is not as good as the Batman Classics like The Dark Knight Returns, or Batman: Year One, but it's up to par with Loeb's previous works (The Long Halloween and Dark Victory). I even think it's a bit better... though Jim Lee's artwork may be credited for that impression, because I've always loved his artwork. And the visuals in Batman: Hush are one of his best efforts! Sure, it's less mystery and more action, but that doesn't make it any worse. It may be less "intelligent", but that doesn't make it less fun to read. Some fans complain that there were drastic changes in the Batman Universe resulting from events presented here... I say change is inevitable. The series can't possibly grow if they remained complacent and chose to remain in the status quo.

Now that I've finished reading it, i still don't think of it as a wasteful purchase. Even if I don't open it again, it would still make a really nice display in my bookshelf. Lol. as for the other absolute editions? I'm still not going to purchase absolute versions of those graphic novels that I've already read... but I have my eyes on the Absolute edition of Kingdom Come. :)

Control

There's a major "issue" in our clan these days. One of my cousins is going to get married this January. A lot of my relatives, especially her parents, are against this marriage. The guy has been her boyfriend for years, and they have been against the relationship from day 1, and they have been very vocal about it. Although I don't really know him, he seems like a nice guy. Her parents don't like him, and it's not because of the usual reasons. What gets their panties in a bunch is the fact that the guy has Tourrette's Syndrome.

Okay, I guess if she was my daughter, As much as possible I don't want her marrying a guy suffering from any ailment... especially if that ailment is hereditary. Her children would most probably suffer from the said syndrome. But who are we do dictate who are children should fall in love with? Love is not something you can force on anyone. Are parents meant to be breeders, the way people breed animals, to ensure that only the highest quality offsprings would result from each mating, and those with imperfections aren't allowed to breed in order to maintain the quality of our species? Can we actually treat people this way? Can we deprive certain individuals of their right to love, to marry, and have a family because they have undesirable traits?

Even my grandmother, even though she's not my cousin's grandmother, can't help but join the fun filled discrimination. She even points out that not only is he "abnormal", he's also just a call center agent, and therefore did not finish college. If I was unable to control myself, i would've lashed out that most call center agents would not be hired if they did not have a degree, and that such a job isn't as "low class" she thinks. Heck, a starting agent's salary is greater than a resident physician in most hospitals in this country. She's under the impression that those agents are minimum wage workers and cannot support a family. She even thinks the guy could be a moocher. Of course a lot of my relatives aren't saying it out loud, especially now that the wedding date is fast approaching. They put on those fake smiles whenever he's around, creating the impression that he's already accepted. But behind his back, the nasty talk intensifies exponentially. The consensus remains the same. I bet her parents are still secretly planning some way for the wedding to not push through. I'm sure some are even praying for a miracle. After all, a lot can still happen in less than three months.

Can't they give the guy some credit? The guy may have Tourrette's syndrome, and let's say he doesn't have a high paying job... so what? There has to be so much more about him. There has to be something about him that made my cousin look past all of his faults. There's surely something about him that made her love him so much that she's willing to fight for their love, even if her parents still disapprove it.

The urge to control seems to be inherent in this family. Why can't they just let us run our own lives?! We're not robots. They can't manipulate our thoughts and actions to their liking by simply pressing some remote control. they can't simply turn us off when we're not functioning properly. Enough with the BS that they're only doing what's best for us because we're still too young to see the big picture. Just because one is older does not necessarily mean that he or she is wiser. They wouldn't know what's best for us because they're not living our lives. They can't possibly know what it's really like to be in our shoes. No person in this world has the right to dictate how another person should live his or her life. No person in this world has the right to play God, no matter how "powerful", no matter how "perfect" he or she is.

Belated Movie Reviews

There seems to be a dearth of quality new releases in cinemas these days. Heck, I was even tempted to watch a Spanish movie just for the sake of watching a movie. It's been more than a month since I last saw a movie inside a movie theater. The two movies I've seen last week have been released for weeks. If there was a movie that interested me, I wouldn't have seen those movies. They just didn't interest me at first. Turns out those movies were actually pretty good. Not having quality new releases was a blessing in disguise after all. :)

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry: When I first heard about this movie, I thought "*groan* Not another gay movie?!" Even though i enjoyed watching almost all Adam Sandler movies, I wasn't interested in watching this. I'm not homophobic--- at least when it comes to films... i guess I just didn't want to see straight men kissing again on screen. I've had enough of that since I've seen the extremely overrated and incredibly boring Brokeback Mountain. Turns out there's nothing of that sort. Even the most homophobic individual in the world would find nothing to be afraid of in this film. There's a scene with male nudity, but I doubt even the horniest gay man would find that scene arousing. This is your typical Adam Sandler film. If you like his previous films, you'll most likely like this film too. 4 out of 5 stars. :)

Resident Evil: Extinction: I had no interest in watching this at first because let's face it--- video game to movie adaptations generally suck. This movie is an exception. Yeah, it doesn't follow the plot in the video games. And yeah, the storyline is pretty stupid. So what? What video game to movie production remained faithful to the original material anyway? it's expected that the story would be altered to find a "broader audience". And it's not like this movie is aiming for an Oscar or something. Just take it for what it is: A mindless, effects driven action movie. The action scenes, even though they don't do anything to progress the story, were top notch. That sequence with the crows was mind blowing. Just take the movie for what it is. Just sit back and enjoy all the eye candy. If you want to watch something brainy, then watch something else. 3.5 stars out of 5 :)

Maybe I spoke too soon...

That's Lee Pace, wondering whether or not his show would last a whole season.

Just kidding. :)

Maybe I spoke too soon when I said Pushing Daisies is the best new show this season--- I've only seen one episode when I said that, after all. The second episode was still good--- expectedly, it wasn't as good as the pilot, but still good. Everything was still well done. It's just that... it seemed a little too quirky, to the point of over saturation... and silly. Everything looked great, but some of the props and costumes were really weird. The dandelion car... the costume on Janine... I can't help but cringe at certain scenes... Janine crying while eating the pie behind the car... The sudden song number at the pie hole almost did it for me. Was that really necessary?! It seemed out of place! That song number almost lasted for 5 minutes i think. But then again, I'm not into musicals---- other people may have found that cover of "Hopelessly Devoted To You" amusing. My point is, i usually have a high tolerance for quirkiness. If i thought the show is beginning to be a little too quirky, what are mainstream audiences thinking by now? I'm predicting a huge drop in the ratings in the coming weeks. Many watched the pilot mainly out of curiosity. Ads were everywhere! a few people have said they won't be tuning in for the next episode, claiming it was not their type of show. I bet a lot more people were turned off by the second episode. They better ensure a large and loyal audience share first before they jam up the quirkiness.

There's also the issue of budget. The whole production seemed terribly expensive. Those dandelion cars were really running on their own! I doubt the producers can keep the shows quality up to par unless it posts higher ratings.

The whole investigating aspect seemed forced, and even contrived. The investigation seemed just like icing on the cake, garnishing to make the product more attractive. I mean, it's not as thrilling and exciting as watching the mystery unfold on CSI. And how long can the novelty of "touching dead people and bringing them to life" last? People may even grow tired of the whole "lovers not being able to touch" aspect of the show.

I was expecting that the the producers would find it difficult to extend the shows premise for an entire season, but I didn't expect to see signs of them losing steam this early on. Then again, it's just the second episode, things could still pick up. I just hope people won't be turned off in droves in each succeeding episodes so they could at least finish one season. Maybe the concept used in this show would've been better used in a movie, or a mini series at least. Once the novelty wears off, the show has nothing much to offer... except for the amazing chemistry between the two leads.

And that may not even last long.

Rivalry Rekindled

I found this video really amusing. It's from the upcoming Wii Game Super Smash Brothers Brawl, where (surprise surprise!) Sonic the Hedgehog is a playable character. It takes me back to the time when hearing "video game wars" meant Sega vs. Nintendo. Back when those corporate behemoths Sony and Microsoft were not yet identified with videogames... back when gameplay mattered, when games were made for gamers, when having fun mattered the most. Sure, they made videogames for profit, but that was not the primary motivating factor back then. Back then, developers actually cared.



I know it's still early in the game, but I have to say Hurray that Nintendo is winning the next generation of console wars--- by a very comfortable margin. It's about time gamers recognize where the heart of gaming is. It's about time compassion was brought back to video games. I might pick up another controller in the near future--- it's been years since I've played games on a console. Maybe the old Sega will resurface in the coming years. For now, the rivalry between the REAL videogame giants would have to be rekindled in the small screen. The real world would have to wait.

Numb

To the few friends who are aware of this blog,you people are closest to my heart. i trust you guys so much that I feel comfortable sharing my innermost thoughts with you, without the fear of shame, judgment nor resentment... i know that whatever things i say here would remain in secrecy for the rest of your lives. I trust you enough with my own life... to even consider what I'm about to do entails some form of insanity.... A journey to insanity, that's what my life has been--- but what a journey it was. Thanks for all the great memories... for giving me laughter amidst a life of misery, for giving me glimmers of hope amidst such sordid environs.

That's part of an entry entitled "Swan Song", saved in the drafts section of this blog for more than a year now. I really don't know why I created it... I wasn't even suicidal back then. Maybe i was, subconsciously. I made that entry during one of those pensive moments. Maybe I was thinking ahead, some sort of last will and testament, something I would publish when i decide to end it all--- when my life, which I have sporadically chronicled in this online journal, aptly entitled Journey to Insanity, would finally come to an end. Just one click, then it would be published in seconds. After all, when that moment comes, I don't think anyone would find time to write a lengthy entry just before making that final move.

Back when I was a child, i always thought I'd die young. Probably in my twenties. I was a somewhat sickly child. For one thing, I had frequent nose bleeds, almost on a daily basis, which really alarmed my parents. I had an operation when I was two years old, some structural defects that were allegedly cured by now--- though I seem to think otherwise. I've learned that a congenital defect in a certain organ increases the possibility of defects in others. There are many things I've observed that I never told my parents. Among those things were the frequent chest pains, frequent bouts of dizziness. I used to pray and wish that I would at least live to reach the age of thirty. At that age, I would already have my own family. I would have wife and a few kids, living in our own house. I would be in the middle of a very great career. I would already have lived the life i wanted, i would've already done most of the things I wanted to do.

That's so laughable now. By the time I reach thirty--- a mere three years from now, I still won't have my own family. There are so many things that I would still want to do. I would've barely lived the life i've wanted. Back in Med school, my childhood paranoia of dying young seemed to have resurfaced. I seem to be alarmed by even the smallest symptoms--- which turns out to be a normal phenomena among medical personnel. With the knowledge of certain diseases, many become paranoid even if a certain symptom could point to many things--- from something self limiting to something lethal. But recently, I became somewhat aloof to such symptoms. I've been having nosebleeds again, which was frequent during the first few months of the year. It's really embarrassing when it happens while I'm on duty. I have to drop whatever I'm doing just to control it. One time, it even happened while i was accompanying a patient to the CT scan. The patients relatives were really alarmed. There's also minute bleeding at another orifice. The chest pains have returned, though that happens rarely. There's occasional tinnitus, and problems with my vision. But I never had myself checked up, even if those symptoms could mean something serious. I just assumed that those symptoms pointed to the benign and self limiting conditions... Doctors are indeed the worst patients. Maybe it's overconfidence. Or maybe it's indifference. Maybe I just don't care anymore. I don't care whatever happens to me. I still want to do a lot of things, making me want to live longer... but there are times that I feel so tired of living, that I don't care if i die tomorrow, today, or even now. There are times when cigarettes and alcohol can't seem to numb my emotions anymore. When emotions are conflicted, when everything is a blur... When you feel trapped and there seems to be no possible way out... Dying young doesn't seem so bad. All joy and happiness would disappear all right, but all those problems, all those pain and frustrations would vanish along with them, until you'd feel nothing at all.

Sometimes nothingness seems like the greatest reward after enduring this trial we refer to as our lives.

So much for "Quality"

I was given my own car last July. GIVEN because there's possibly no way I could afford to buy my own car with my savings. It's not even enough to buy a new laptop. I was given an SUV before, a Ford escape, which is a great vehicle--- but I couldn't really call it my own. I was the primary user, but my brothers and sisters also use it. The whole family uses it. Then when I started residency, it was no longer my car because I never used it anymore. It was passed on to a new owner. Then I had to use it on one of our team outings during residency. I guess that was some sort of wake up call that I still need some form of transportation. Surprise, surprise! --- the next time I got to go home, a brand new Honda Civic was parked in our garage. And was name was on the papers. It was really mine! A car I could call my own.

Yeah it's cheaper than the Ford Escape, but it really looks great. Real slick. It can go faster, and chicks seem to dig this car more than the old one. LOL. I don't really want an expensive car. If I has a Mercedes, or say a Volvo, I wouldn't dare drive as fast as I do if i had an expensive car. i would be out of my mind trying to handle it with utmost care because I would probably go crazy if I see even a small scratch on it. Besides, I'm told that Honda is a good brand. High quality at a not so expensive price tag. Well worth your money, that's the common feedback from both reviewers and consumers. I just love blazing at top speed with such a slick car. Driving fast can be as relaxing as smoking a cigarette, or as soothing as a few shots of Tequila.

Then yesterday, the power window on the driver's side won't go up. It would go up halfway, then go down again. WTF?! it's not really completely busted, it still goes up all the way up when i pull the damn widow slightly just before it reaches the halfway point... and I know shit like this happens to every damn car with power windows... heck, this happened to that sturdy Escape when it was three years old. But I've only been using the Civic for 3 months! Three short months! And it's not like I haven't been taking care of it.

Geez, so much for QUALITY.

This Show Deserves A Push

And when i say push, I mean that in a good way.

Pushing Daisies--- How could I not notice this show? Critics have been unanimously raving about it. Advertisements were everywhere. But at that time, I still wasn't interested... until I've read that it came from the mind of Brian Fuller, one of the writers on the first season of Heroes. That's when I thought I'd give this new show a shot. lol.

Usually, when a show is given this much hype, a viewers ends up being disappointed. It's natural to be overwhelmed with all of the hype, resulting to high expectations from viewers. Often, those expectations are hardly met. Not so in this case.

The story is pretty quirky. The main protagonist, Ned, discovers as a child that he has the ability to bring any living thing back to life with a touch. However, when he touches that living thing a second time, it dies again. If a minute has passed and he has not touched the living thing he brought back from the dead, something else within the proximity will die instead. This he first learned when he brought his dog back to life, and later on when he brought his mother back to life for a short while. The whole experience was apparently traumatic, so young Ned grew up to be some sort of an introvert. A detective discovers his ability and they end up being partners, using his power to solve crimes. Things get complicated when Ned uses his gift to bring Chuck, his first love, back to life. As expected, he couldn't possibly bring himself to touch her again... and to make things even more complicated, there's still attraction between them. How can romance bloom when they can't possibly touch each other?



Telling more would spoil the show (if I haven't already). There are so many minor details that I find amusing. The whole show seems fresh and innovative. Remember how watching Six Feet Under felt during its first season? It's like watching something really different. It's told in a fairy tale style, somewhat like the movie Big Fish in tone. But it is so much better than that. The cinematography is vibrant, the special effects top notch. The acting was great, lines were witty, and the whole premise that was introduced creates so many possibilities to explore. The first episode was close to perfect, in my opinion. And therein lies a problem. How can they possibly exceed such an excellent first episode? Also, can they really extend the premise for an entire season, without it becoming tired? The show may also find trouble finding a huge audience--- it may be too quirky for the average viewer. I just hope viewers would give this show a chance. There's too much trash on TV, brilliant shows like this deserve to be on the air for a long time. Kudos to ABC for giving this show a chance.

On a side note, the first two episodes of Heroes this season were nothing to rave about. Everything was just... blah. There's not much excitement going on, unlike the first season wherein every scene makes us wonder what's going to happen next, and the cliffhangers make us terribly excited for the next episode. It's not really awful, it's just that the show has been offering more and more of the same. I think the only reason why I keep watching is because I want to know what happens to the characters I've known from the first season. Having said that, if they don't pull off something spectacular and mind blowing in the next few episodes, Heroes definitely won't be gaining more viewers in the future. Some fans may even grow tired of all the familiarity eventually. From being cutting edge and willing to test the boundaries, the people behind the show seemed to have taken comfort in the familiar.

Sweet Escape

Earlier this evening, we were having a family dinner, and upon arriving at the venue I was surprised to see several guests... that's right. Friends of my dad. Invited in what was supposed to be an intimate family dinner. The whole scenario seemed so scripted, like everyone was forcing words out of their mouths just to keep the conversation going. I looked at my mom and she obviously felt uncomfortable. She smiles occasionally to acknowledge certain statements, but those smiles seemed really forced. I was even more uncomfortable, because a lot of time was spent talking about me! My career, my recent decision to resign, my goals in life. Christ, it's as if I was being interviewed for a job. All of my answers were so sanitized and forced. I had to behave properly in front of these strangers. And it turns out one of them was talking to the people in PGH so that I can go back. What really pissed me off was that I was being FORCED to say THANK YOU for what he was doing. THANK YOU FOR WHAT?! I have to say "THANK YOU sir, for doing something that I didn't want you to be doing in the first place"? How STUPID IS THAT?! I really wanted to scream. I felt as if i was going to explode if I didn't let it all out.

As if the evening wasn't perfect enough, our car had a flat tire. Because my brother was late for the dinner, he brought his own car. He brought my mother, grandmother, and my sister home. That left me to help my dad fix the flat tire. Great. Just great. More opportunities for bonding. Again he tried to make a conversation, a little small talk. What else would he ask? What does he know about me, except for the fact that I'm a doctor now? naturally, he kept on asking a lot of health questions, which further irritated me because I really don't feel like talking about medical stuff. I never really like medical stuff, i think of it as simply work, something technical, just a job, a chore... not something I would derive pleasure of. It's not something I want to talk about in my spare time, and especially not while we're on a dark parking lot fixing a stupid tire. And did he really expect me to be in a "sharing" mood, after what I went through during our dinner? Or is he dense enough not to realize that? Dis he think I liked being grilled like that? He clearly doesn't know me, and even though he tries with small talk every day, it's too late to start building an ideal father-son relationship this late in the game. The ride home was even more fun. The silence was so thick, you couldn't cut it with an ordinary knife.

What a fucked up evening. I had to find some sort of outlet to release all this tension building up inside.

I drink a lot of alcohol. Once I start, I keep on craving the stuff until I'm drunk or until I run out of money... whichever comes first. But I never saw myself as an alcoholic, even during those times that I went home drunk almost everyday... because I drink with friends. Just social drinking. And as I'm typing this entry, I have a bottle of whisky beside me, one fourth empty, three fourths to go. It's convenient when you have a mini bar at home... and even more convenient when it becomes a stock pile of wine, brandy, whisky, and other kinds of alcohol that were given as gifts. No one would notice if a few bottles went missing.

I find it hard to resist. How can I, when I like the feeling I get when I get tipsy, and eventually drunk? I feel like a whole new person. A few drinks then I'm able to reveal what I keep inside. I get the courage to say the things I'm too embarrassed to talk about, I learn to say the things that I want to share without fretting over whatever consequences. Yeah, I sometimes have violent tendencies when drunk, or overly flirty depending on the people I'm with... and I've done a lot of stupid things when drunk. But I can't help but embrace the feeling of being free... as opposed to the shackled feeling i get almost every day. I feel free to control my own life, as opposed to the feeling that someone's always controlling my every move. Bitter nectar, sweet poison, providing that sweet escape. Problems are washed away, anger, depression, and pain are forgotten. I get to escape to a world where I can do the things I want, albeit temporarily.

A dose of sweet nectar every now and then... that's all I need to lift me up from the dumps. Without it, I might be drowning in a wave of depression by now. Without it, I might bring myself back to the time when doing something drastic seemed like a tempting option. I just might...

good thing I get to escape from time to time.

Stuck in Limbo

"u know what? I just noticed something in your pictures..your smile, it's perfect... but your eyes, they look gloomy, as if you're sad about something... "

That's the exact message I got from a friend who has been viewing the pictures on my MySpace profile. Christ, is it that evident already? Has it reach the point wherein i can no longer hide the loneliness i feel inside, that friends that I haven't seen in a long time can tell I'm lonely even when I keep a smiling face? Even if they're just seeing me in pictures, people can tell if I'm lonely? Was it just coincidence, or do my eyes really betray me by showing others how I'm really feeling?

I've been down in the dumps these days. Yes i am lonely... because I feel empty... because I feel lost.... there's something missing in my life, and I can't figure out what it is exactly.... I feel like I'm going nowhere.

I had everything mapped out a few weeks ago. I was planning to apply for residency at this certain hospital. Then my dad, in his usual bullying, imposing way, put an end to that. He said it wasn't feasible. That hospital was too far. I said "so what?", i don't intend to go home often anyway. I guess that did it. He had this desire to keep all his children close to home. That's why he wants my brother to get a job in the city immediately. That's why he frowns whenever my sister talks about living abroad in the future--- her boyfriend is an American Citizen after all. And that's why he now thinks it's a bad idea to take up residency abroad. According to him, all the great doctors took up residency here, and just took fellowship abroad as an adjunct to their training. Typical. Behaving like Mr. Know it all, even when it comes to topics that I know more than him. I'm in the medical profession, I know where great training is. His doctor friends took up residency eons ago, they have no idea how training is these days.

Anyway, he gave a a sermon, about how stubborn I am, how I'm still young that's why I'm not seeing the big picture, and that he's only doing what's best for me, yadda yadda yadda, all that shit. I knew if I tried to reason out, he's going to drop the bomb. It was imminent. He had the same look years ago, when I said I think I don't want to go through med school. Practically the same shit--- I wasn't seeing the big picture, He had to decide what's best for me... there's are limited options for a B.S. Biology graduate, unless I go to med school. he practically ordered me to go to med school or else... he said something like where are you going to get your allowance, you have no job, blah blah blah. I was practically blackmailed years ago, and I'm feeling the same now.

For Christ's sake, he wants mo to go back to PGH! how f*cked up is that?! Apparently, about three weeks ago he talked with one of his consultant friends, who convinced him that I made the wrong decision, PGH is the best training institution and I should go back immediately. Just like that. And to think seven weeks ago, the very day that I decided to quit, he fully supported my decision. And just like that,a complete turnaround. He was convinced that not eating, not sleeping, shelling out for patients--- the very things that shocked him when I first told my family about my experiences--- was normal. Those things were part of the training. He was fully convinced because it came from the mouth of a highly respected consultant. That certain consultant even asked to meet with me, which I thought was okay since he was a family friend. Imagine my surprise when that consultant turned into a monster. He practically shouted at me, the way those mean consultants shouted at their residents. He called me a spoiled brat, a wimp, a coward, plus a whole lot more expletives. He said I should go back to PGH and be a man. He said I should kneel before my seniors and beg them to have me back if that's what it takes.

I know a part of me wants to go back... but a part of me doesn't either. Add the fact that I've been gone for more than 7 weeks now, it would really be embarrassing to go back! My batchmates would think I'm being given special treatment. My seniors would treat me differently, probably with caution. I don't want special treatment, I want to be part of the crowd. I hate being put in the spotlight.

He has connections at all the right places, I've got to hand it to him. One of the reasons why I chose PGH was because I knew he had no friends there. But these days he has ties to the government, which of course controls all government hospitals. Last week he spoke to the hospital director and to the head of the department of surgery. And they told him no problem--- probably some bribery or blackmail went through... but the end result was "no problem"... they just need to speak to a few people, and then I'll receive a call if I can go back to my previous job.

Now I'm stuck in limbo. i can't submit the application forms I have filled out for other hospitals...it would look bad in my record if i applied and then backed out at the last minute. All this waiting is getting on my nerves. I wish they'd inform me today, as soon as possible, if i have to go back or not. A simple yes or no, so I can make my next move. Maybe if I received a definite NO, I can proceed with my plans. Then again, maybe he'll move heaven and earth again, with his connections, to find a way to force me back in.

I feel empty, i feel like there's something missing, I feel like I'm going nowhere...I feel shackled, chained, trapped... because until now, i can't do what I want to do with my life....

... and I can't seem to do anything about it. I'm aware of my limitations, and i don't seem to have a choice but to follow.