Stuck in Limbo

"u know what? I just noticed something in your pictures..your smile, it's perfect... but your eyes, they look gloomy, as if you're sad about something... "

That's the exact message I got from a friend who has been viewing the pictures on my MySpace profile. Christ, is it that evident already? Has it reach the point wherein i can no longer hide the loneliness i feel inside, that friends that I haven't seen in a long time can tell I'm lonely even when I keep a smiling face? Even if they're just seeing me in pictures, people can tell if I'm lonely? Was it just coincidence, or do my eyes really betray me by showing others how I'm really feeling?

I've been down in the dumps these days. Yes i am lonely... because I feel empty... because I feel lost.... there's something missing in my life, and I can't figure out what it is exactly.... I feel like I'm going nowhere.

I had everything mapped out a few weeks ago. I was planning to apply for residency at this certain hospital. Then my dad, in his usual bullying, imposing way, put an end to that. He said it wasn't feasible. That hospital was too far. I said "so what?", i don't intend to go home often anyway. I guess that did it. He had this desire to keep all his children close to home. That's why he wants my brother to get a job in the city immediately. That's why he frowns whenever my sister talks about living abroad in the future--- her boyfriend is an American Citizen after all. And that's why he now thinks it's a bad idea to take up residency abroad. According to him, all the great doctors took up residency here, and just took fellowship abroad as an adjunct to their training. Typical. Behaving like Mr. Know it all, even when it comes to topics that I know more than him. I'm in the medical profession, I know where great training is. His doctor friends took up residency eons ago, they have no idea how training is these days.

Anyway, he gave a a sermon, about how stubborn I am, how I'm still young that's why I'm not seeing the big picture, and that he's only doing what's best for me, yadda yadda yadda, all that shit. I knew if I tried to reason out, he's going to drop the bomb. It was imminent. He had the same look years ago, when I said I think I don't want to go through med school. Practically the same shit--- I wasn't seeing the big picture, He had to decide what's best for me... there's are limited options for a B.S. Biology graduate, unless I go to med school. he practically ordered me to go to med school or else... he said something like where are you going to get your allowance, you have no job, blah blah blah. I was practically blackmailed years ago, and I'm feeling the same now.

For Christ's sake, he wants mo to go back to PGH! how f*cked up is that?! Apparently, about three weeks ago he talked with one of his consultant friends, who convinced him that I made the wrong decision, PGH is the best training institution and I should go back immediately. Just like that. And to think seven weeks ago, the very day that I decided to quit, he fully supported my decision. And just like that,a complete turnaround. He was convinced that not eating, not sleeping, shelling out for patients--- the very things that shocked him when I first told my family about my experiences--- was normal. Those things were part of the training. He was fully convinced because it came from the mouth of a highly respected consultant. That certain consultant even asked to meet with me, which I thought was okay since he was a family friend. Imagine my surprise when that consultant turned into a monster. He practically shouted at me, the way those mean consultants shouted at their residents. He called me a spoiled brat, a wimp, a coward, plus a whole lot more expletives. He said I should go back to PGH and be a man. He said I should kneel before my seniors and beg them to have me back if that's what it takes.

I know a part of me wants to go back... but a part of me doesn't either. Add the fact that I've been gone for more than 7 weeks now, it would really be embarrassing to go back! My batchmates would think I'm being given special treatment. My seniors would treat me differently, probably with caution. I don't want special treatment, I want to be part of the crowd. I hate being put in the spotlight.

He has connections at all the right places, I've got to hand it to him. One of the reasons why I chose PGH was because I knew he had no friends there. But these days he has ties to the government, which of course controls all government hospitals. Last week he spoke to the hospital director and to the head of the department of surgery. And they told him no problem--- probably some bribery or blackmail went through... but the end result was "no problem"... they just need to speak to a few people, and then I'll receive a call if I can go back to my previous job.

Now I'm stuck in limbo. i can't submit the application forms I have filled out for other hospitals...it would look bad in my record if i applied and then backed out at the last minute. All this waiting is getting on my nerves. I wish they'd inform me today, as soon as possible, if i have to go back or not. A simple yes or no, so I can make my next move. Maybe if I received a definite NO, I can proceed with my plans. Then again, maybe he'll move heaven and earth again, with his connections, to find a way to force me back in.

I feel empty, i feel like there's something missing, I feel like I'm going nowhere...I feel shackled, chained, trapped... because until now, i can't do what I want to do with my life....

... and I can't seem to do anything about it. I'm aware of my limitations, and i don't seem to have a choice but to follow.