Sweet Escape

Earlier this evening, we were having a family dinner, and upon arriving at the venue I was surprised to see several guests... that's right. Friends of my dad. Invited in what was supposed to be an intimate family dinner. The whole scenario seemed so scripted, like everyone was forcing words out of their mouths just to keep the conversation going. I looked at my mom and she obviously felt uncomfortable. She smiles occasionally to acknowledge certain statements, but those smiles seemed really forced. I was even more uncomfortable, because a lot of time was spent talking about me! My career, my recent decision to resign, my goals in life. Christ, it's as if I was being interviewed for a job. All of my answers were so sanitized and forced. I had to behave properly in front of these strangers. And it turns out one of them was talking to the people in PGH so that I can go back. What really pissed me off was that I was being FORCED to say THANK YOU for what he was doing. THANK YOU FOR WHAT?! I have to say "THANK YOU sir, for doing something that I didn't want you to be doing in the first place"? How STUPID IS THAT?! I really wanted to scream. I felt as if i was going to explode if I didn't let it all out.

As if the evening wasn't perfect enough, our car had a flat tire. Because my brother was late for the dinner, he brought his own car. He brought my mother, grandmother, and my sister home. That left me to help my dad fix the flat tire. Great. Just great. More opportunities for bonding. Again he tried to make a conversation, a little small talk. What else would he ask? What does he know about me, except for the fact that I'm a doctor now? naturally, he kept on asking a lot of health questions, which further irritated me because I really don't feel like talking about medical stuff. I never really like medical stuff, i think of it as simply work, something technical, just a job, a chore... not something I would derive pleasure of. It's not something I want to talk about in my spare time, and especially not while we're on a dark parking lot fixing a stupid tire. And did he really expect me to be in a "sharing" mood, after what I went through during our dinner? Or is he dense enough not to realize that? Dis he think I liked being grilled like that? He clearly doesn't know me, and even though he tries with small talk every day, it's too late to start building an ideal father-son relationship this late in the game. The ride home was even more fun. The silence was so thick, you couldn't cut it with an ordinary knife.

What a fucked up evening. I had to find some sort of outlet to release all this tension building up inside.

I drink a lot of alcohol. Once I start, I keep on craving the stuff until I'm drunk or until I run out of money... whichever comes first. But I never saw myself as an alcoholic, even during those times that I went home drunk almost everyday... because I drink with friends. Just social drinking. And as I'm typing this entry, I have a bottle of whisky beside me, one fourth empty, three fourths to go. It's convenient when you have a mini bar at home... and even more convenient when it becomes a stock pile of wine, brandy, whisky, and other kinds of alcohol that were given as gifts. No one would notice if a few bottles went missing.

I find it hard to resist. How can I, when I like the feeling I get when I get tipsy, and eventually drunk? I feel like a whole new person. A few drinks then I'm able to reveal what I keep inside. I get the courage to say the things I'm too embarrassed to talk about, I learn to say the things that I want to share without fretting over whatever consequences. Yeah, I sometimes have violent tendencies when drunk, or overly flirty depending on the people I'm with... and I've done a lot of stupid things when drunk. But I can't help but embrace the feeling of being free... as opposed to the shackled feeling i get almost every day. I feel free to control my own life, as opposed to the feeling that someone's always controlling my every move. Bitter nectar, sweet poison, providing that sweet escape. Problems are washed away, anger, depression, and pain are forgotten. I get to escape to a world where I can do the things I want, albeit temporarily.

A dose of sweet nectar every now and then... that's all I need to lift me up from the dumps. Without it, I might be drowning in a wave of depression by now. Without it, I might bring myself back to the time when doing something drastic seemed like a tempting option. I just might...

good thing I get to escape from time to time.