Charades

I'm down with the flu for almost a week now. I thought I was getting better, I actually went out last Saturday. When I woke up yesterday, my coughing was worse and my throat felt even more sore. So much for thinking that it's only a self limiting illness. It's about time I took some medications.

I've been having a hard time trying to sleep again. It was even more problematic this week since I can't find the most comfortable position. At this position, i found it hard to breathe. Shifting to another position resulted in a coughing fit. Crap, i hate being sick. It feels like being trapped.

Because I wasn't feeling well, i didn't get out of bed even if my mom and dad already went to my room to remind me that we will be hearing mass at 5 PM. I just slept again as soon as they left my room. At around 4 PM my dad got really mad since I haven't even eaten lunch yet. We're going to be late for mass. I told them I'm not going to church. As expected, it turned out to be a big deal. The broken record started playing again. The one that goes "what's happening to you... what are you doing with your life... you're out of control... you can't just do anything you want... YADDA YADDA YADDA!" Crap, isn't it apparent that I'm not feeling well? It's not like I'm not going because I suddenly felt like not going. If they could wait, I could be ready for the next mass... but of course that's not going to happen because there's a family dinner scheduled right after the mass. I wanted to finally admit that I don't see the use of going to church every Sunday because I'm agnostic! I don't believe in what those holier than thou individuals have been preaching every week! But of course I can't say that. My overly religious grandparents might have a heart attack with the sudden realization that one of their grandchildren has lost his way... heck they might even blame themselves. And I was in no mood to argue anyway... saying something like that would amp up the broken record, continuing to the next verse where the familiar line "you have been hanging out with the wrong people" is mentioned again and again. As if I can't believe in something without the influence of other people.

After the mass, they went back to pick me up. I wasn't quite ready yet. Again, that was such a big deal. I heard a repeat of the earlier sermon, with the added lines that I've become so selfish and I don't care about anything anymore blah blah blah. We can't be late because we have very important guests. Sheesh. Could the day get any worse? Again I have to pretend to be overly sociable, I have to keep this smiling face, I have to pretend that I'm actually feeling well. Again I have to put on a show for people I barely know. To create the illusion that I'm the good son. A happy member of the ideal family. "Picture Perfect", "ideal"... words I often hear when folks describe our family. Most would probably be surprised when they see how dysfunctional we can get. Picture Perfect is right. We only look good in pictures, because that's how we must project ourselves. Keeping the proper image is important, i was once told. Imperfections aren't welcome. The best possible image should always be shown.

Being true to myself may have a lot of repercussions. People can get hurt. Maybe it's true that underneath this facade, when all the glitter is taken away, I'm nothing but a spoiled brat. Selfish. Inconsiderate. I know that's not really who I am... but the mere fact that some people think of me that way, I realize that all those accusations are partly true. It would probably be great if we can all act freely and show our real selves without the fear of possible ill effects... but a life completely free of pretensions cannot be free of repercussions. What we are may not fit with the accepted norms. Every decision, every action will have an effect on others. People will be shocked. People will be offended. People will get hurt. If only our real selves are as beautiful as the images we try to project...

If only the real me wasn't so imperfect, I would've ended this charade a long time ago.