These Hard Times

Driving home past midnight. A little kid, around 5-6 years old by my estimate, knocks at my car window, trying to sell me flowers. A little kid. Past midnight. Trying to sell me flowers. Just my luck, I didn’t have any change to spare. The traffic light turned green, and I slowly drove away.

It was past midnight, and yet the city is still very much alive. There’s still a lot of sidewalk and street vendors around, refusing to call it a day, most probably because they have yet to break even yet. A lot of beggars still roamed the streets, gathering around cars every time the traffic light turned red. I had nothing to give. All I could do was watch them, in these hard times.

I want to make a lot of money. Who doesn’t? During this time when the whole world seems to be in recession, there’s an even greater need for it. But beyond my selfish motives, I want to earn so that I can help. Seeing many children, the disabled, the elderly, still roaming the streets at such ungodly hours breaks my heart. And when I can’t even do anything to help them, that breaks me even more.

When the rich become richer, and the poor become poorer--- that just shows how fucked up our society really is. Those who say that the poor remain poor because they are dumb and lazy are so out of touch with reality. Though some may be contented with the life they have, while some refuse to even lift a finger and just rely upon others for the maintenance of their existence, a lot of these less fortunate individuals exert a great deal of effort, but to no avail--- because society refuses to give them the luck and opportunities to turn those dreams into reality. How many farmers toil the soils for the most part of the year, with the hope that they can eventually sell their crops? And how many of those crops are spoiled, because they are ignored and disregarded? For butchers and fishermen, how much do they make? Most of them barely break even. Such little returns for huge investments has become typical. The things we imagine to give us some reprieve turn out to be disappointments.

One of my friends had something interesting to say the other day. She couldn’t understand how several “movie stars” had the gall to flaunt their fortunes in public, for all the world to see, especially during these times. I agreed with her. Although we have no business with how other people spend their money, a little sensitivity wouldn’t hurt. Would it take too much to keep those things you buy to yourself, instead of flaunting those things in national TV? What makes it even worse is the fact that some of those things are simply a waste of money. Fine, if I had that much cash, I’d probably build a nice house with all the comforts that life could bring. Okay, I guess I could buy a yacht because I love to be in the open seas, that brings me peace. But to buy a bag that costs a small fortune? One small designer bag whose value is enough to feed a few families for years? Maybe buying such expensive things give these people comfort. Maybe they don’t care if what they’re buying is impractical, maybe all they think about is the great feeling they get when they wallow in such extravagance. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to be sensitive to the feelings of others. They say they flaunt their wealth to inspire others to persevere. Really????? I’ve been around poor people during such telecasts, and believe me, that’s not the reaction they are getting. They do not inspire, they only harbor insecurities and disdain. If I bought something like that just to make myself feel good, even when majority of the people around me are barely holding on, I’d choose to keep such purchases to myself. And if I had their money, I would give so much more. Donating to charitable institutions every now and then isn’t enough. If I were them, I’d do it regularly. If I were them, I’d buy from those sidewalk vendors instead of splurging all I have at some posh mall. If I were them, I’d buy everything that those street children and old women are selling just so that they could go home. I’d give some cash and food to beggars, never mind if I may be promoting such lifestyle by encouraging their complacency, because it breaks me when I do nothing. It breaks me when I see people living like that. But hey, I’m not those rich people. That’s just me, that’s just the way I am.

A friend of mine works with a lot of these movie and TV stars, and I suddenly remembered several incidents he told me a few years ago. About how a lot of these actors and actresses are so spoiled, acting like such prima donnas, feeling as if they were royalty and everyone around them are their servants. About how they kept on demanding such useless things, about how they kept on complaining about their work. How hard it is. How tiring it is. How difficult it is. So yeah, they may not be able to sleep for one or two days. So what? The money they earn more than make up for their efforts. Two years ago, I didn’t sleep for 2-5 days, I didn’t eat anything for 1-2 days, and I only get to take baths once a week at times. All for what? To earn a measly amount of money? An amount that could barely support my own self if I was living independently? Still, I had it better than most. Let’s look at those vendors, those farmers, those fishermen… the cleaning lady, those people who sweep the streets, those people who take out the trash, let’s take a look at everyone else. Such huge efforts, such huge sacrifices, yet they earn so little. And these actors complain about the stress that they get?! I’d like to see them complain in front of our minimum wage earners, I’d bet within seconds they are going to get stabbed outright. They are so oblivious to the harsh reality around them. If they weren’t, they’d be more than thankful, and they wouldn’t dare complain. What’s so hard about acting? Is it that hard trying to look good for the camera, is it so difficult to shed a little tear? Yeah, not everyone can act, but is it really that tiring?! Compared to the work that most of our countrymen have to face each day?! So what if they don’t get to sleep sometimes, so what if they don’t get to eat for hours? What they get in return is so disproportionate to the effort they give. If they still feel the need to complain, then they could quit. Easy as that. Only then would they probably realize how great their life was back then. Now don’t give me that shit about how it’s all proportionate because they gave up their privacy. As shown by several individuals, there are ways around that. Sure, they can’t get complete privacy because they have become public figures, but there are ways to limit the information that the public has access to. And c’mon, let’s get real here. You can ask any ordinary person. If they were told they’d earn millions in exchange for their privacy, I’m willing to bet that a lot would bite the bullet with very little forethought, only beginning to deconstruct their hasty decisions after they have begun to experience wallowing in such wealth. It’s a fact that a lot of people want fame and fortune, even more so when they are combined. And let’s not forget that an overwhelming majority of these so called “stars” are there because they wanted to. Because of fame, because of fortune, or whatever. There are only very few of them who are forced to be in the limelight. If this weren’t the case, how would you explain the thousands of individuals lining up for all these different talent searches and reality shows? People are aware that such paths, if they get lucky enough, can lead to such big rewards, it leads to easy money. During these hard times, they prove to be even more attractive. I have to be thankful that I’m still better off than most. I’m thankful that I’m provided with everything that I need. I’m thankful that I can give in to extravagance every now and then. I am thankful that I am aware of the reality around me, that I am directly exposed to the plight of the majority. I am thankful that I don’t feel disconnected, I am thankful that I am able to help somehow, I am thankful that I can still somehow relate.

But then again, that’s just me.

Providence

Man, that damn USMLE exam was f*cking hard. All those practice exams could never really make a person prepared for the real thing, I guess. With only a minute allocated for each question, there's really not much time to analyze and think of the right answer when you're uncertain. Crap, so much for my so called testmanship. I was simply guessing most of the time, praying that I'm picking the right answers. During the last two blocks, I was both physically and intellectually drained... I didn't really care anymore, I was choosing answers almost randomly, out of instinct. I just wanted to get things over with.The next few weeks of waiting for the results would be very long indeed. Would I get the chance to get out of this country for greener pastures, or am I destined to work like a dog in my hometown for the rest of my life? I can't help but feel that i should have studied some more, maybe i should have postponed the exam. But any more delays might make me ineligible for next year's match, so I decided to just go for it. Would that haphazard decision prove to be a big mistake? For now, I can't tell for sure. All this wondering is futile though. I couldn't do anything anymore, except to hope for the best.

Still having some hang ups with my recent vacation down south. Man, I really fell in love with that place. It was love at first sight. The sun, the ocean, the powdery off white sand... plus there's always the opportunity to surf all year round! I guess that last thing was the deal breaker. LOL. During those days, I actually thought about staying. I thought about actually living there. It's not really a remote island. There's TV. There's radio. There's internet access. And it's only two hours away by boat to the mainland. But somehow, the island has retained its rustic charm, despite the onslaught of tourists in recent years. Practicing my profession there did cross my mind. One local said that there are only two doctors on the whole island, and there are no doctors within the vicinity of the tourist spots, thus creating huge problems in times of emergencies. So yeah, there is an open market for doctors there. I could milk those rich tourists for all their worth (haha! just kidding), and i could be of service to the locals at the same time... and all I'd ask in return would be the opportunity to be able to surf every day. hehe. I know it's far from home, but when I'm near the ocean, I'm genuinely happy. When I'm surfing, no matter how many times I fall, no matter how many reef cuts I get, I'm still happy. I don't need all the complications that the urban life brings. I can be contented and happy with the simple life. That's right, being a doctor in a tropical island away from home is now one of my back up plans.

I never intended to work as a physician my whole life. I never wanted to be one, but somehow along the way, i've learned to like it somewhat. As I've said before, the feeling one gets when one helps his fellow man is without equal. That's the reason why i can continue to be a physician for as long as I am able, but not for financial reasons. I'd be a doctor for as long as I can help others. I can do this for charity, but not for self fulfillment, not even for financial gain. I can't be doing this full time, considering that this isn't really what I'd like to do. Why do I want to work abroad now? Because the pay is better. That may sound selfish, and in a way it is... but not entirely. I'm not only seeking financial gains for my own needs, I also seek financial gain to be able to help others. Ever since I graduated, I've done nothing but give service to the less fortunate. I've seen their plight first had, I have seen their needs. I don't earn much, because most of what I earn I give to them. It's about time I secured my future because I'm not getting any younger. I want to seek greener pastures so I could earn more, so that I can save more money. Once that's over, maybe I can start some sort of business, and just be a doctor on the side. I don't want to keep on doing something that I don't really want to do full time. Running a surf and dive shop on some tropical island? That would be the life. Giving service to others as a physician on the side, having enough money to be able to give aid to the less fortunate, yet still being able to live the life I want? Now that would be the dream. :)

Whether I've taken one step closer or one step backward remains to be seen.

Here i am, keeping my fingers crossed.

Anti-Social

I like meeting new people, I like making friends. I may be incredibly shy at times, but there's no way that I'm anti social. But there's a right place and a right time for everything. I go to the gym to work out. I don't go there for any other reason. Yup, I've made a few friends there, those people that I have been seeing regularly. It would be hard not to eventually get to know the people I always see every time I go to the gym. What started out as mere acknowledgements and casual conversations have led to friendship. And I get it that some people see the gym as a place to hang out and meet new people, but I just don't go to the gym for that purpose. I let them mind their own business, as long as they let me mind my own. At the gym, I don't talk to anyone unless I really need to--- when I need help with something, or when someone asks for assistance, that's fine. Casual conversations consisting of a few sentences--- that's still alright. But when conversation veers toward so many other things that it disturbs one's routine and prolongs one's workout time, that's just counterproductive. I don't make eye contact, and I keep a straight face. What i do is strictly business. I believe I do look unapproachable, that's why I can't figure out why some people keep striking up conversations about trivial matters. Do I actually have to wear a shirt that says "I don't want to talk to anyone" just to get the message across? This was a problem at my previous gym especially when I worked out alone. When such instances at my current gym arises, so far they have been tolerable--- until last week when this incredibly annoying new gym member showed up. He kept on following me around, striking up conversation. Every time he asked a question, I only answered with a simple yes or no, I didn't even smile at all, and I quickly resumed my work out as soon as I gave him my answer. One would think that would be enough to get the message across, but NOOOOO... he still kept following me! Fine, I thought he was gay, and that was one factor why I was getting irritated. He might have some disgusting ulterior motive. The fact that he followed me to the locker room and kept on talking to me even when I was getting dressed seemed to validate that thought. But that's just one aspect. There were a lot of things about him that annoyed me, and all that following around only served to aggravate matters.

Then last night--- just my luck, he was there again. And as expected, he kept following me, asking me medical stuff this time around. Damn my gym instructor for telling this guy that I was a doctor!!!! Now my answers were longer, because his questions begged for detailed explanations. i tried to be polite, but I still tried to look as unfriendly as possible. Again and again he kept asking questions, and then out of the blue, he asked me which way i'll be going on my way home. Without even thinking, I told him where, and it was too late when i realized i fell for a trap. He then said he was going the same way, and he asked me if it was okay for him to hitch a ride with me. WTF?! Would any sane person ask that from someone he has only met twice?! Just to end the conversation I told him it was okay, then I proceeded to lift weights again. But I had no intention of letting that incredibly annoying stranger ride in my car. When I saw an opportunity, I quickly made a run for it as soon as I got dressed. LOL. I doubt if he already got the message though. I bet he'll still be following me around next time. Some people are just plain dense. Changing my work out schedule seems to be the most logical option then.

For some reason, The gym can really attract all sorts of weird and annoying personalities. But it's a public place, we can't control how others behave. The only way around this problem would be to learn to adapt on our own.

No Humor

I just can't help but feel a sense of pity and a certain degree of contempt towards some people. Recently, a few folks from the workplace discovered my full name. Most people only know me by my nickname. Most people find my name too long, so I'm often introduced by my nickname. In fact, I'm rarely called by my full name--- I only hear my full name when my parents are angry, or during the first day of classes in school, before the teachers ask for my nickname so they can call me with that instead. Presently, the only people who know my full name are my close friends and relatives, or those who have access to my papers. That's one reason why I chose to use my full name on the social networking site I use most often, so that I could filter out the strangers and stalkers. That backfired though--- my classmates from elementary school, a number of whom I've never even talked to back then, have started adding me up because they know my full name. Social networking sites are really full of shepherds--- those people who keep on adding and adding people up, even the ones they have only met for a single second in their lives, in order to create a huge network of "friends"... to create some false sense of popularity, i guess. But hey, that's not what this is about.

So yeah, those folks discovered my full name, and for some reason they found it incredibly funny, and they kept on taunting me with my own name. D-oh. As if that would work. They said I was obviously struggling to keep a smiling face, but deep inside I was getting pissed. They said i was obviously getting annoyed. I don't think my name is funny; it's not even strange. Heck, it's a fairly common name, just not on these parts of the world. Do a search on the net and you'd find dozens of people who have the same name. So was I getting annoyed? Far from it. In truth, I was mildly amused, but there's also that overwhelming sense of pity. For some reason, my name seems strange to people belonging to the lower class, and some children find my name strange too, that's why they think it's funny. And what do children and people from the lower classes of society have in common? Lack of intellect, lack of knowledge--- at least when compared to the educated folks in our midst. It's true, I really pity them. The last time someone taunted me with my own name was way back in second grade, when a few of my classmates found my name funny. That was more than 20 years ago. Now, I find myself in the company of men in their late twenties and early thirties whose sense of humor is at par with that of a seven year old. Now that's something to laugh about. That's even funnier than my name. In fact, that's more than just funny.

It's pathetic, it's shameful, and downright pitiful.

Discombobulated

Just came back from a much needed vacation. My mind was becoming numb from all that studying. It was a great experience overall, but I've discovered a few things that left me perturbed. First off, I just found out that I have violent tendencies when I get drunk. Usually, I do things that are perceived as annoying, but I'm basically seen as harmless when drunk. Yup, I'm prone to harass women when I drink a little too much. And yeah, I tend to punch, slap, and kick my male friends when I'm under the influence--- but that's all in the spirit of fun. I wasn't doing that out of anger. You can say that's a different way of expressing ones friendship. There's some sort of a sadomasochist in me, i guess. But for the first time, according to several accounts, I actually got ANGRY. Angry enough to chase someone with the goal of channeling that anger into physical means. What's worse, I was provoked by such a superficial reason---- a harmless taunt, that I apparently took seriously. And regrettably, on the receiving end was a person that I consider as one of my closest friends.

I do not remember any of that. What I remember are several glimpses of the succeeding events, most of which remain a blur. I remember saying sorry, trying to make amends... regarding the conversation that followed, all I remember are mere flickers. But from what I remember, I can't help but feel a bit depressed.

I can say it wasn't my fault, because I couldn't really remember doing it. But then again, I never should have drunk beyond my limits in the first place. Partly, I could say some of the blame lies on the company I was with... they shouldn't have let me drunk that much, or I could say they shouldn't taunt people who are intoxicated. But all the pointing fingers would lead to nowhere. Either it was no one's fault, or we were all to blame. What's done is done, and although everything seems to be all right now, I could say out loud that every thing's fine and dandy, I still can't help but feel that things are different now. Despite coming into a resolution, somehow a wall has been built, a wedge has been driven deep, and it serves to keep us apart.

I hate being overly melodramatic, but I can't seem to help it. I admit, I'm an introvert. Whenever I feel bad, I choose to keep my feelings to myself. I don't go asking for help... either I try to find the solution on my own, or wait for things to resolve on its own. I'm not fond of expressing my feelings, so when I show some genuine emotion, that's a very rare event. And I would never show my true feelings to just anyone, I would only show what I really feel to people that I consider as true friends. I know a lot of people, a lot of whom i can refer to as friends. But those people that I trust enough to show my real emotions? I could probably count them with the fingers of my hands. They are the people that I really treasure. That's why it came as a major blow when I found out that one of those people didn't see me the same way.

I guess he was provoked because of what I did. Maybe the things he said really didn't mean much, but it meant a whole lot to me. I'm not asking to be on top of everyone's friends list. But to point out that he viewed me as selfish, that I had to manipulate things so that everything would go my way, that he did not view me as such because of my inherent trait of not showing much emotion and keeping most things to myself--- those things left such a huge impression, I was almost shaken out of my mindless stupor. I do not make demands, nor do I manipulate. If ever people see me as such, that's all their perception, those things are not my intention. As for me being selfish? My closest friends know that they would be hard pressed to find a person who would give his own life for a friend (but I would die for a lot of things, so that's not really saying much now, does it?). Most times, I even do things I do not want to do, I say I agree even when I don't, I stay submissive and silent... most times I don't even care about myself because it's important to me that my friends are happy. It's more important to me when these people I treasure are happy. It can't be my fault that people can't see that. Keeping my emotions to myself--- that's just who I am. I don't choose to be with certain people just because they are the last resort, i choose to be with people because I like their company, never mind if they do not like mine. i do not force myself onto others, nor do I impose any of my beliefs onto them. If we don't get along, if we can't reconcile our beliefs, then so be it. Again, if others misinterpret my actions as selfish, that's their impression and never my intention.

No longer depressed, no harboring of ill feelings, but still disturbed. If there's one good thing that came out of this situation, it's that I've come to the realization that i should re-assess the people that I consider my true friends. After all, it's highly inappropriate to show my emotions to people who can't understand my idiosyncrasies and quirks. It's hard to open up to people who can't take me for what I am.

I'm a tough shell to crack. I'm not a person that one can easily understand and open up to, especially when they do not see me the same way as I see them.