I Am My Father's Son

That's not something I am proud of.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes, I wish to be like other people who are so proud of their fathers, that they want the whole world to know just how great their fathers are. But when I try to think of anything about my father that I can be proud of... I just can't. And even when i do, those few good things are overshadowed by everything that is wrong with him.

I never felt close to my father. Maybe during my childhood years, when I was too young to remember. There are pictures that seemed to be proof of that. Back when i was proud of him, back when I cared for my dad. These days, when I'm not angry at him, I simply feel numb. I have no recollection of having established some form of connection with him. These days, I get pissed off just by talking to him. Every time I see him, I can’t help but feel frustration, disappointment, pity, mixed with a bit of anger--- because each time I see him, I see a man who has done nothing but waste his life.

He is pride personified. It is so ironic for a person to be full of pride when I can’t see anything about him that he can be proud of. He hasn't achieved anything that he can be proud of. He acts like some sort of king, as if all other people are his subjects. I don’t like the way he treats some people, like some sort of second class citizens, whose only purpose are to serve him. Disobey his commands and thou shall suffer his wrath. He doesn’t like it when he’s not treated as “the boss”, that’s why he gets so angry when someone challenges his authority. That’s also one reason why he remains unemployed for the past 21 years.

There, I said it. The truth. For as long as I can remember, he has brainwashed me and my siblings to tell people that he is a businessman when we were asked about his occupation. WAS a businessman would be the proper answer. My teachers, my classmates, my friends--- I tell all of them that my father’s a businessman. And I find myself temporarily at a loss for words when I’m asked what sort of business, because the script that we’ve memorized doesn’t include an answer for that. He didn’t finish college, but because of connections with the then president of the country, he was given a high paying job in some company. Apparently, he got a perfect score on some exam given to all high school students --- he was the first person to ever get a perfect score on that exam, so the ex-president took noticed. he was groomed to be one of their trusted minions. The fact that he is intelligent makes his present state even more pathetic. On that said company where he was given a job, of course he was the boss. When that president’s term ended, so did his job. I used to ask my mom why he never looked for another job. My mom said he didn’t want to start at the bottom again because he got used to being on top. Looking at him today, I doubt if he can really start at the bottom. He never respects any form of authority, because to him, he is the authority. Another probable reason would be his laziness. He is just plain lazy. It’s so hard to wake him up in the morning, to get him to do chores, and he even ask others to do very simple things for him. For instance, when he’s eating in the kitchen, he would call any of us, even if we were in another room, just to get a glass of water, or some food for him, when he can just stand up and get whatever he wants himself. Sure, he manages to earn some money occasionally, and I admit, he does get big money. He says he has some occasional and temporary business partnerships with old friends, but I wouldn’t be surprised if shady deals were involved. He always seems busy, he always had meetings. He often goes on trips abroad. Turns out he was only doing favors for that ex-president's family. All those meetings were about matters regarding the ex-president’s family. More specifically, matters regarding the former first lady. For 21 years, that’s all he kept doing--- tehnically, it's 26 years. My whole life that's what he has been doing. I was glad a few years ago because he had an office somewhere, I thought he finally had a stable job. Turns out that office was a center for doing favors for the former first lady and her family. For 21 years, he seemed like their slaves, and he seemed to relish that role. He seemed to relish being so unproductive--- it’s not like he’s getting anything out of it. If he was paying for favors, the favors have been paid years ago. Maybe he gets prestige. He gets to hang out with high society. One of the few good things about what he does is that he gets to establish a lot of connections in every sector you could think of. That’s probably one of the reasons why he can act so superior because he has friends in high places--- the military, the police, the government, even in the health sector. He must think he can get away with anything... I guess he just might. I don't give a sh*t about those connections, though. I can live without his connections.

One of the roles of a father is to provide for his family. As a provider, he sucks bigtime. My grandmother was the one who paid for my tuition fees from grade school up to med school. My grandmother was the one who gave me my daily allowance from grade school up to med school. I probably owe her my very existence. She’s also the one who gives my father his daily allowance up to the present day. At the age of 46, he still depends on his parents for money. How pathetic is that? When he manages to earn some money, he buys us expensive things, and he buys a lot of expensive things for himself. He splurges all in an instant, that’s why he barely has any savings. When he gets money he also gives us some, but I’m always reluctant to accept it, knowing that I’ll probably loan it to him in the future. Sometimes, he even forgets to pay back. How many fathers borrow money from their children anyway? I was barely in my teens when he started doing that, when he found out I have started saving money. Then i learned to lie about it, I pretended to have spent my money on some stuff that I wanted. Then he'll scold me for being so wasteful.

He also has this disease called wishful thinking. He keeps on talking about buying this house, that car, this piece of equipment, that piece of furniture, as if he has a lot of money on hand. All that wishful thinking nauseates me, I’m always trying to keep myself from telling him to shut up. It’s probably okay to live in a dream world if he keeps it to himself, but when he speaks to salesmen, it’s as if he’s really going to make a purchase on that very instant. He speaks as if he’s some sort of millionaire. I’m ashamed for him and for myself on such encounters.

One of the reasons why I decided to pursue being a doctor even if I didn’t really want to at first, was to be sure that I won’t be anything like him. I realized that if I become a doctor, somehow I will be stable and secure. That’s also the reason why my brother is working in some far away province even if he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to be like my father. My sisters feel the same way. If I reach his age and realize how unproductive and pathetic my life has been, I would probably shoot myself in the head. With such a wasted life, it would be better if I had never lived at all.

Just this afternoon, I was witness to one of his "superiority spells". He made such a big fuss about the policemen causing a traffic jam because they were apprehending several traffic violators. His temper was soaring through the roof. He was beyond boiling point, blowing the car’s horn continuously, shouting expletives. Funny how all the other drivers around us didn’t seem to mind the minor traffic at all. When he came within hearing distance of the policemen, he shouted at them. If I was one of those policemen, I would’ve shot him outright, or at least apprehended him. I wish someonw would put him in his place, to wound his pride a bit, to bring him back down to earth. When we had dinner, he again reached his boiling point when the waitress didn’t respond to his call immediately because she was also serving other customers. I wanted to shout at him, to bring him to his senses. What tested my patience even more was when he asked me for some load for his cellphone. Funny how someone can behave like such a King, yet can’t even afford to buy some load for his cellular phone.

While growing up, I didn’t seem to share the same interests as my father. I guess that’s why I never felt close to him, there’s nothing in his life that I can relate to. While growing up, my brother shared more interests with him, that’s why they were closer to each other. I was never jealous, though. I didn’t really care. I noticed that in recent years, he has made a great deal of effort to become closer to me, but it seems futile because it’s a little too late for that. I can't just feel close to a person after so many years of being distant. It’s even harder now that I’ve realized what a big loser he is in life. Just the thought of talking to him annoys me. Even my brother, who was once close to him has now become distant for the very same reason--- looking at how our father has wasted his life pisses him off. Maybe that’s one reason why my father has been making huge efforts to establish some sort of bond with me---- because he has lost any form of connections to both of his sons. He must be connected to at least one.

No matter how I disdain him, the fact remains that I am my father’s son. Sometimes I wish I can be proud of him, the way other sons are proud of their fathers... the way other sons idolize their fathers, the way they emulate and try to be like their fathers... but I just can’t. Trying to emulate him would be stepping back. It's so easy to move past our father’s shadow; for several years now, we cast our shadows back at him.

I am my father’s son...

and it’s not something I can be proud of.