Encore

ILLUSIONS

you kept saying you loved me
though you didn't know what it meant
you said I was all that you wanted
yet you made me change things that I can't

it wasn't love that was in your heart...
infatuation, maybe
it wasn't love that you felt
a mere illusion... possibly

you said one thing, yet you did another
we seemed to be only using each other
you said you've endured so much pain all those years
but those weren't real emotions, nor were those genuine tears

you never saw how things were through my eyes
i remained clueless, to what was real and what were lies
you thought I felt nothing, that I never even tried
each time you said that, deep inside I cried

you wanted more than I could give
though you knew the limits of what I could do
if you took me as I am
you'd have seen what i've sacrificed for you

you made me do things I never thought I could do
you gave me so much, yet I never had a clue
for we were riddled with confusion, and the distance grew
all those trials and storms were so hard to subdue

it wasn't all pain... deep inside i know
i say it was all hurt, so it's easier to let go
for beneath all those lies, at least one thing was true
love was the feeling that I used to feel for you

7/29/06


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I haven't written a poem in 4 years. I don't know why, I just suddenly stopped, when I used to write poems and short stories about anything under the sun on almost a weekly basis. It's one of the things i used to do on my free time, starting way back in grade school. I've posted some of those poems in one of my entries last May. The last poem that i wrote is the last one posted on that entry. Of all possible times, I had the sudden inspiration to write that while we were dissecting a cadaver. hehe. For some unknown reason, I just thought of this possible scenario wherein a girl has been taking some guy for granted--- some guy who's totally infatuated with her, and she knows it... so she starts taking advantage of the situation. And when she realizes her mistakes, when she realizes she loves that man after all, it's already too late. The man is now a cold corpse. The poem is about their final encounter at the morgue... I know, I had a pretty wild imagination back then. lol.

Maybe I just outgrew the habit of writing poems. Maybe I just didn't have time, going through med school and all that. But yesterday, I suddenly picked up my pen and started writing words... and the words just flowed. Maybe it was the weather, all cool and rainy, conducive to creative thoughts. or maybe it's the emotional blur that I have been feeling lately, looking for another outlet. The end product is the one posted above... seems a bit flimsy and amateurish... I guess I've grown rusty, I haven't been writing poems for a very long time after all. :)

A Big Joke?

Various websites have reported that Heath Ledger has been cast as the Joker in the upcoming Batman Begins sequel. Even though those websites are legitimate, I'm hoping it's jus a rumor. I have nothing against Heath Ledger, but it's one very odd casting choice. It's one thing that he looks nothing like the Joker--- tons of make-up and special effects can take care of that. People have been saying the same thing about Christian Bale as Batman, and look how great he turned out. And if they plan to do a Joker Origin story as the main plot, when he was still a normal person, it could work. But my main issue is about his acting ability, which has been choppy at best. I can't think of a single movie where he proved himself to be a great actor, but I can think of a few movies where he was not. He's remembered for Brokeback Mountain, but is he remembered for that movie because of great acting or for something else? In contrast to the stellar cast of the first movie, wherein there were mostly thespians, consistently good actors, he seems out of place. Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, Liam Neeson... Ok, Katie Holmes was that one loose end.But knowing how great the first movie turned out, and how Christopher Nolan has never missed a shot before, I'm still optimistic. Let's just wait and see how this turns out... hopefully is doesn't turn out bad.

I mean, How bad could it possibly turn out? Unlikely just for one odd casting choice. I'll probably be one of those first in line when the movie comes out. I'm still burning with anticipation. But the minute I hear the Joker say "I wish I knew how to quit you, Batman...", I'm getting out of the movie theater.

Genesis of The Bat

Today, I’m extremely happy. I know this feeling is temporary, but I am happy...The word giddy would be a more appropriate term.

The inner child in me has come out again. LOL. I’ve just bought another Batman Graphic novel. It really seems silly for a 26 year old to derive pleasure from comic books--- I’d probably be amused at myself if I was another person. But hey, these are not childish comic books. Most Batman stories are dark and brooding. That makes them adult friendly, I guess. Now I’m on defensive mode. Haha. It’s a fact, though. Comic books are not just for kids. Just because a story is told through drawings doesn’t mean it caters to a young audience. Take the Watchmen graphic novel for instance. The story had a very mature approach, and it was even deemed complicated, some adults can’t even figure out what it was really about. And to prove I’m not the only one in my age group buying comic books, there are a lot of adults looking through those graphic novels in bookstores. And the prestige editions of some comic books cost a small fortune! It’s amazing that they’re often sold out. I doubt any kid could afford those. Heck, when I was a child I sure can’t afford those. Even now I can’t afford those. Hehe.

I’ve just recently discovered the wonders of the Batman comic books--- just last year, at the ripe age of 25. I didn’t really like Batman before--- whom I first encountered in those reruns of the Superfriends cartoon series and that campy TV show from the 60’s starring Adam West. Even just saying his name seems silly...BAT--- MAN. Ugh. But when I saw the two Tim Burton Directed Movies (the ones by Joel Schumacher were just plain crap, and ruins the character, so I’d rather forget them), I became fascinated with the character. The animated series shown during my early teenage years fueled that fascination further. That cartoon series was dark and gothic, and definitely not for kids only. It was the first cartoon series I’ve seen which had a mature way of telling a story, making it very adult friendly. Even now when I watch the reruns I can see the difference between this series and the other cartoons from my childhood--- like Thundercats, or the Transformers, or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I can’t even watch those shows now without cringing a bit, though I enjoyed watching them before. They seem so juvenile now, they were definitely made for children. The Batman animated series, on the other hand, is something I can still watch and appreciate. Also, It arguably had the best depiction of the Batman Character from the Comic books. His translation to the live action movies pales in comparison. Then came another cartoon series which I never got to follow. It was made by different people, and I didn’t like the way they handled the character. It seemed like they made Batman kid friendly again... and he never was meant to be kid friendly. Good thing the creators of the original series went on to create the recent cartoon series, Justice League. The way they portrayed the character was the same as before. And since that cartoon series was such an excellent show, I liked the character even more. He was dark and brooding, often a loner. I guess the fascination is rooted in the fact that he’s someone I can relate to. Dark. Brooding. Gloomy. Pensive. That’s how I am on most days, especially when I’m alone. Unlike superman, who was made to be picture perfect, squeaky clean, like some goody goody obedient boy scout who can do no wrong, Batman is also a normal person, with no super powers. Maybe that’s why more people can relate to him too. His stories are believable. Batman also has the most stories ever written for any comic book character--- even more than Superman, who’s perceived to be more popular. According to records, no other character even comes close. That has got to mean something. Every comic book writer seems to have some sort of batman story to tell.

Last year, came the movie Batman Begins. Naturally, I was one of those first in line to watch it. I was totally blown away! Thanks to Christopher Nolan, it was one of the best movies that I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Add the fact that it was a movie about a comic book hero--- what the director did was simply amazing. It was expected, though. He also directed the kick ass thriller Memento. Now I'm looking forward to his next movie, The Prestige. His decision to make the Batman universe realistic was a great one. i guess it helped that i wasn't that familiar with how Batman was portrayed in comic books, otherwise I might sound like some fanboy complaining about how much they changed several aspects of the character in the movie, how the Movie Batman isn't like the comic books Batman. As seen by someone who's not exposed to the character's comic book persona, I thought Batman Begins was one damn fine movie. Anyway...That did it for me. It was about time I get to know more about the character in the format where he originated--- in the comic book world.

See, I have always been a marvel boy--- mostly. As a kid, I bought a lot of X-men and Spiderman comic books. And okay, I also bought a lot of Archie Comics, too. A truckload of them. Haha. Sure, I bought the series about the Death of Superman, which was highly publicized at the time it was released--- I got caught in the hype. But when it came to superhero comics, The Marvel titles were the ones I bought on a regular basis.

First title I got was The Long Halloween, which was actually a gift from someone who found out I wanted to buy it but I was short on cash then. Hehe. I read it immediately, and read it twice. I felt such joy and elation, I was like a child who got exactly what he wanted for Christmas. It felt kind of orgasmic. Hehe. At that time, I thought the story was so good, that I wanted more Gotham stories. I searched the net for the best graphic novels. My next purchases were Batman: Year One and The Dark Night Returns, both by Frank Miller. Wow. Frank Miller is A God. I guess I’ll keep on thinking of him that way, unless I read the horrible The Dark Knight Strikes Again, so I won’t. hehe. Both stories were realistic, dark, gloomy, and violent. Definitely not for kids (so again I’m justifying my reading of comic books at my age? Hehe). The critics were right in proclaiming both titles the best batman stories ever written. What I bought today was Dark Victory, the sequel to the Long Halloween. It includes a retelling of the introduction of Robin… I hate Robin. He seems contrary to Batman’s loner persona. I prefer Batman stories without him… but what the heck. It’s written by Jeph Loeb, so it must be good. I’m normally stringy, and the book was quite expensive. But I didn’t care. Hehe. I just had to buy it. I can’t wait until I read it.

Next purchase would probably be Blind Justice, where they introduced the Character of Ducard, the man who trained Batman. I’ve seen a lot of copies, so I won’t have a hard time looking for one. But what I really want is The Killing Joke, written by Alan Moore, who also wrote Watchmen (which was named the Best Graphic Novel ever written). But I can’t seem to find it in any book store or comic book specialty shop! It seems that it’s not sold in this country!!! Argh! I’ve searched online, and apparently it costs anywhere from $30- $50, brand new. Pretty expensive for a graphic novel, even for a prestige edition... maybe I should postpone my search until I get job. Hehe.

Now excuse me while I go back to my reading...

LOL. I’m such a child.

Wasting Time

Yesterday, I've wasted almost 3 hours of my precious study time. I would've finished another Chapter if I've continued reading. I just watched Dead Man's Chest. It's not a horrible movie... it just seemed that I was wasting my time because I could've done something productive instead! If it was a great movie, I wouldn't be feeling this way. It was just average, I was practically just staring at the screen the whole time, feeling indifferent--- even in the action scenes. There's just no excitement. A lot of scenes were also unnecessary! That whole encounter with the cannibals could have been taken out. It would probably make the movie more watchable since taking out those scenes would've made the movie about 30-40 minutes shorter. Occasionally I was looking at my watch, a bit surprised that the end seemed nowhere in sight. It's like being out at sea, seemingly lost, with no land in sight. It's definitely one of the most over rated movies ever. It broke a lot of records on its opening a week ago. I say it didn't deserve to break such records. It will be remembered years from now because of that feat, but it won't be remembered as a great movie--- because it isn't a great movie. It's even nauseating that I'd probably sit through another 3 hours with these characters next year. I feel like I have to watch part 3. With that cliffhanger ending they gave us for Dead Man's Chest, I'm compelled to watch the third movie just to see how things turn out. I just hope they make the next one more cohesive and more action packed… then I won’t feel like I’ve wasted my time, and money.

She Devil

I knew I was going to post something like this.

Eventually.

My previous entry was but a prelude to this. With that post, I seemed to have committed the sin of generalization. On my previous entry, I seemed to be thinking that every girl in the world is like her. When I was typing that entry, I was thinking of her. Then I seemed to think every girl in the world is manipulative...

is an opportunist...

is a liar...

is selfish...

is self centered...

is egostistic...

is neurotic...

I became oblivious to the fact that the best advice and support that were given to me during those difficult times came from women. Nothing can be more wrong than to generalize. Not every woman in the world is like her. There is a God, and he can’t possibly allow all women in the world to be like her… and her blind friends, for that matter.

It was sometime last March, a month after my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. I was burning with anger then, because of all the lies she kept telling people. I wanted nothing more than to shut her up. One of my friends suggested that I write down what I'm feeling. He said it helps release the tension. He even suggested that I do it in a blog. If I write my feelings in a piece of paper and somebody read it, they'd probably know it was me who wrote those things. But if I post my feelings in a blog, I'd remain anonymous since my blog would be lost in the sea of blogs out there--- unless I told someone about it. So last march, after following all sorts of advice, I created a blogger account. What have I got to lose? I might as well try it. I typed what I was feeling. It was an entry full of anger, littered with expletives and ill will. But when I clicked the "publish post" button, the damn thing won't work. It won’t even save as a draft. Something was wrong with the site! Maybe what happened was a good thing. I never got to publish that blog. It was only last May when I was doing practically nothing when I decided to post something on the blogger account that I've created.

I'm okay now. Most of the time. I'm not angry--- most of the time. Most of the time I'm highly functional, all emotions in check. Until someone brings her up. Or mentions her name. That's when I see red. In an instant, I burn up again. I can’t seem to control it. No one has ever made me this mad before. Not even my ex who cheated on me (and who recently asked me to marry her out of the blue… how pathetic is that?). Not even those people who destroyed my reputation somehow.

So maybe I should start typing my feelings again, as was previously advised. It won't be some incessant ranting like what I did before--- after all, I'm less angry. I'll try to do something more orderly.

Sometimes i wonder what's the point of having relationships, when I have no plans of getting married in the near future. Am I looking for companionship? I have a lot of really great friends for that. Am I seeking intimacy? I can go down on the local bar for that, one great night of intimacy. Or for the sake of convenience, some even sell intimacy in the streets late at night... I'm just kidding. I won’t venture into that. Sure, there are many benefits with having a relationship, you'd have a special bond with someone else, far greater than you can have with most of your friends. Heck, you could do things you can't do with most of your friends. But at what price? It brings so much pain when a person you've once loved has done things to hurt you. Trying to figure out another person also brings so many headaches. Not having the perfect relationship that you had in your mind brings so much frustration. You always have to consider what the other person is thinking because essentially you've become incorporated into each others lives. In a way, you're crippled--- you can't decide on your own. You have to agree with each other since you have become one with each other. If you’re single, it's less complicated. you only have to think for yourself. You have freedom. You don't experience the headaches that come with managing relationships. Sure, being single does carry a risk of being lonely, but at least you won't get hurt as much. And there are so many other ways to be happy.

So why do I hate her so much? Just hearing her name is enough to make me go mad. When I first met her 5 years ago, it was love at first sight [sic]. Okay, it wasn't love, for the attraction was more of the physical kind. After two years, along with her friends, she was dropping signs that she liked me too. And she frequently fought with her boyfriend because of that. She even went on a vacation with me and my friends one summer, even though we weren't even close then. She even faked having cramps so I could massage her legs. That should've given me a clue about her true colors. As one of my friends said, no decent girl who's in a relationship would entice another guy knowing that she already has a boyfriend.

Finally, she said it out loud. She also had feelings for me. Why did she have to say that? What did she want me to do? She still had a boyfriend. I'm not the type who'll steal someone else's girl. I've been on the receiving end of a two-timing girlfriend before, and I know how that hurts. If she broke up with him it would be less complicated. After a few more months, they did break up. Apparently, I was one of the reasons. But then she told me she had a lot of things in her mind, she still had a lot of issues to resolve. After a few more months, I asked her if I can court her. She went into some lengthy response, but the bottom line was, she rejected me. I was hurt. After all those months of teasing? Did she just play me for a fool? Did it just make her feel good that someone besides her boyfriend liked her? I felt so lost that night, and yeah, there were waterworks. I could've moved on, but she still kept on sending random text messages to me such as "I miss you", and even --- good grief, "I love you". What kind of game was she playing?! So I held on to the idea that eventually we could be together. After several more months I've grown tired. What set me off was when I heard that she was dating some other guys, besides me. She said she was just trying to resolve several issues, but I'm the one she wants... all those things are just crap. If she wants to play the field, leave me out of it. I told her it was over. I'm done with all the games.

Then the next day, she wanted to meet. We met at the chapel, of all places. at midnight. She told me one of the issues that she wanted to resolve first was her parents. Apparently, they liked her ex boyfriend so much, they wanted her to marry him. Her parents think of her ex as their son. Another issue was me. I was so inconsistent, she didn't know if I did love her. O--kay, so I'm the one who's inconsistent. Even if I seemed inconsistent, maybe it was because I really can't show my real feelings for her because she can't give me anything definite. I was shocked with what happened next. She told me she wanted to be my girlfriend. At that very moment. She was going to throw all uncertainties in the wind because it was what she really wanted. I didn't feel joy at first. After all, I was preparing myself to get over my feelings for her. I was plainly surprised. After reality has set in, after a few days, I started feeling happy. After all, how often does one get to be so lucky? It was a dream come true, being with you dream girl [sic].

After a month, it seemed that we weren't really prepared for this. First of all, we didn't know each other very well. The attraction was mainly physical at first. We had a lot of arguments. We often argued about minor things like our schedules. How I preferred to sleep when we’re together…. Hey, clinical clerkship was really exhausting! Also about her not wanting me to pay for dates and her not wanting much material stuff from me, though she kept giving me material stuff. Some sort of “equal rights for women” thing, I guess. She didn't like my habit of just letting things pass without talking about them. For me, what's the point in dwelling with things that are done? What's done is done, let's just move on. Also, I rarely talk about my feelings. What can I do about it? I’m an introvert by nature. That’s how I am. But when people ask me I answer them. She also didn't like the fact that I rarely say i loved her, when she kept on saying she loved me. I dunno, it's just that I think of the term love as something really deep. It's not a word I'd keep on throwing around. For me, loving someone would mean you'd want to marry her, you'd want to spend the rest of your life with her, you'd do anything for her, and give up everything for her. That's my definition of love. And I can't say that to someone I've only been in a relationship for less than a month. I admit that’s one of my issues that I can’t seem to resolve. I have such a lofty definition of love, I can’t bring myself to say such a simple word that others keep on saying with ease. If my feelings are not the same as my definition, I can’t say it. How I wish I see love as synonymous to just liking someone, simply caring for someone, or even infatuation like a lot of people I know.

One time, in one of our huge fights, my mind was clouded with anger when she threatened to break up with me. I really went too far when I practically called her a slut when she kept on comparing me with her ex, who was much more--- intimate. There were even rumors that she was a nymphomaniac, a sex addict, which further clouded my sense of judgment... if those rumors were true, that would explain why I never seemed intimate enough... anyway, i was really sorry for that. We almost broke up then, but we made up after a week. It was evident it wasn't going to last though. We had too many misunderstandings. One day she found a letter from my ex girlfriend which actually had pretty harmless content. She got so upset. I wasn't really in the mood for that then, I even got mad at her for probing at my personal stuff. We didn't talk for 2 days. When we finally did, she broke up with me. I didn't complain. That was also what I wanted. Why keep on pursuing something that was evidently not going to last.

We were on speaking terms again after a month or so. Just plain friends. Then I heard that her ex boyfriend wanted to get back together with her. She told me she didn't love him but she was going to get back together with him anyway. I told her what's the point in that? Wouldn't you rather wait for someone who you'll love? She didn't listen to me. Apparently, she wanted the convenience of having a boyfriend, even if that was tantamount to using him. Then I received a message from her saying she never felt more miserable in her life. Why send that to me? After several weeks, they broke up. Apparently the guy got a clue that she didn't love her. He broke up with her.

Stupid me. At that time, I still wasn't over her. i still kept on listening to stupid mushy love songs. I still kept on thinking of what could've been. What I have done wrong. What I should’ve done instead. That's when I realized i really loved her [sic!]. Could I be still thinking of her months after we broke up if I didn't? So when they broke up, I saw that as an opportunity. I told her I still felt the same way, I asked her if we could give it another try. She said she also felt the same way. So eventually, we got back together--- UNOFFICIALLY. Because that was what she wanted. I never thought I'd see the day when a girl would prefer to have an "unofficial" relationship. She wanted it that way so there will be “no pressures, no expectations, but with commitment”. Who was I to bargain? So I agreed. I still felt like the luckiest guy in the world. After all, how many people are given a second chance? I wanted to make things right this time. I wanted us to work. My friends know how much I’ve changed. She noticed how much I’ve changed. God knows how much I’ve changed. God knows how hard I tried to make things work.

After about two months, several friends of mine told me that she told them that she wanted us to be official already, she was just waiting for me to bring it up. So I did. She told me bluntly, in a very cold manner, that she was only saying what people wanted to hear, not what she’s really feeling. Ok… still people keep pestering me to ask her to be official already because she kept on saying that to them. I asked her again. She gave the same response. I said to myself, I’ll never bring this up again, I’ll just wait for her to tell me. I’ll wait until she tells me she’s ready.

It was still a rocky road. There have been minor bumps, a few arguments here and there. But I remained patient, unlike before. i didn't want to waste the second chance I got, after all. I didn't want to open my mouth, because based from our past experiences, that only made matters worse. All those times, I just kept my mouth shut, and eventually the anger would pass. Some of those arguments were really ridiculous. Like the time she kept on insisting that she was taller than me, when everyone can see that I'm about 2-3 inches taller than her! I wasn't with her the time she brought this up, so i told her to just look at our pictures to see the truth. She told me i was just nearer to the camera, when it is evident in the pictures that I was either behind her or directly beside her. She was too stubborn! She won't believe me even with all the proof! I told her to ask our friends, but of course she wouldn't do that. The only way to prove it to her was to meet her personally. But I couldn't meet her because I was doing community work in the province. She was taunting me for several days, and i could tell she was enjoying it. She was enjoying trying to test my patience. Maybe she was just trying to piss me off. Or maybe she's to egotistic, she fails to notice others--- including me. We've known each other for a long time. She should be aware of something as simple as my height. Or maybe she's just plain stupid. When we met after a few days, I stood beside her... then she finally agreed, with a bit of shock in her face. Christ, she really didn't know my height. Could you possibly love someone without even knowing his height?! What happened after a week gave me a stronger headache. She still insisted that she's taller because she can see my scalp. Good grief. She's not blind. So maybe she's really stupid. Most likely, she was really trying to test my patience.

After several weeks, she gave me a letter saying that after a lot of thought, she wanted our relationship to finally be official. But things were different. I admit, I was becoming tired of all the waiting and indecisiveness, but it was so much more than that. At that time, she seemed to have changed. She didn’t seem like the person I fell in love with. Or maybe she was always like that, I just didn’t see it before. Maybe she really was this horrible person that a lot of people have been seeing.

Granted, she was sick at that time, which could explain the mood swings. But she has been unpredictable, moody, and indecisive from day 1. Making her illness a scapegoat just won’t do. And I couldn’t understand why she hasn’t spoken to her parents for a month. A Month before that, her parents got mad at her because she went home at 10 AM, after spending the whole night getting drunk. For some reason I can’t understand, this made her wild with anger, complete with throwing furniture, expletives, plus a whole bunch of other fireworks. Her parents reduced her allowance as punishment, which made her even more psychotic. When we saw each other, She reasoned to me that if her brother who’s 2 years younger can go home in the morning without a peep from her parents, she should be given the same treatment. I told her that her parents were only worried because she’s a girl, and there are far worse things that can happen to a girl who’s out during the night compared to guys. She can’t expect equal treatment with her brother even if she was older. Add the fact that she’s beautiful [sic], a lot of predators can see her as prey just for her physical assets [sic]. Still, she remained angry. She left home and just stayed at hospital for weeks. I understood where her parents’ anger were coming from. It’s her I couldn’t understand. I have many issues with my parents also, I have had many arguments with them, but it never came to a point wherein I stayed mad at them for so long. Her reasons for staying mad weren’t even valid. Maybe if she was some 5 year old kid, such behavior would be acceptable. But she’s already an adult, for crying out loud.

Also, I found out she went to see her ex boyfriend, with the goal of getting back together with him. Yup, the same guy she broke up with before she became my girlfriend, and the same guy she went back to when we broke up the first time. Did she think this was some sort of ping pong game or something?! And that happened mere days after giving me the letter saying she wanted us to be official already. And weren’t we still in our unofficial relationship then? The one with no expectations but with COMMITMENT?! Good thing, when she went to her ex-boyfriend’s house, she saw that her ex already had a new girlfriend. The look on her face must have been priceless.

I never told her I found out about that. I stayed silent. I didn’t answer her letter in any way. There are so many things in my head. Because my schedule suddenly became hectic then, I didn’t see her for almost 2 weeks. I then received an email from her, saying I was so insensitive for not answering her letter. I was so insensitive for keeping her hanging like that. I wanted to confront her about that incident when she went to her boyfriend’s house. But there were more reasons why I’m having second thoughts about the relationship, primarily because she has changed a lot. She didn’t seem like the same person that I loved. I particularly didn’t like the way she’s treating her parents. I told her she had no valid reason. That’s why I have to think about things first. I have to think if I still wanted to move further with the relationship. That set off another major fight--- through email, for crying out loud. That really set her off. She told me how can I judge her like that. Plus some irrational statements that I should always be on her side and not with her parents. She then told me that her anger with her parents were deeply rooted, since high school. She then went on with details that she never told me before to justify her anger. And let’s not forget her classic lines, “if your feelings for me can change that easily, I shouldn’t be with you in the first place.” “I feel like I’ve been played. I’m tired of all your games”. SO NOW I’M THE ONE WHO’S PLAYING GAMES?! SHE’S THE ONE WHO WAS PLAYED?! Man, what a hypocrite! Looking back, it seems she has been playing me from day one! If it seemed like I’m playing her, I didn’t mean to. I guess that’s a good thing though. If it seemed like I played her, then she just experienced a dose of her own medicine. Oh yeah, let’s not forget my favorite line --- “If you don’t shape up, there are a lot of guys who would die to be in your place”. Jesus Christ. What an ego. On hindsight, she’s not that beautiful. She’s too thin. Her teeth are a jagged mess, as if someone punched her in the mouth. And there’ something wrong with her jaw, like it’s too big for her face. Some people even say she looks like a drag queen. Some people say she looks like a witch, she just needs a pointed hat and a broom. She then mentioned her friends. Her ever loyal, blind, overly biased friends. Her friends who don’t have minds of their own. She said her friends were right that she should stop seeing me, and that her friends were right--- I am an ASSHOLE.

Now who wouldn’t get pissed off with such a response? I answered her point by point. First of all, how can I understand why she’s so angry with her parents when she never told me those other details in the first place?! And still, her reasons don’t justify her anger. How can she act so ungrateful to the people who have sacrificed a lot for her? It must break their hearts to see they’ve brought up such a horrible person. As for her egotistical statement? I told her that likewise, there are so many girls who would die to be in her place. I’m not being proud and cocky, but that’s the truth. I’ve received a lot of proposals and admirations here and there, and I see how a lot of people look at me. How some people practically stare at me. It’s just not something I’m proud of, and it’s definitely not something I’d say out loud. I’m not comfortable with that. I’m not comfortable with being admired. That was the first time I said that out loud, to show her that she’s not the only one who’s “in demand”. As for her stupid friends? I told her I don’t give a f*ck about her stupid friends. Many of my friends hate her. They call her manipulative, arrogant, indecisive, evil, self centered, and hey, some even call her a bitch. She doesn’t have a good reputation, though she thinks she does. But I never listened to my friends, no matter what they’ve said. I still loved her. So why should she listen to her friends? This set off replies full of expletives, on her part and mine. I called her a queen, maybe she misses her ex boyfriend because he treated her like a queen. She says she was treated like a queen because she treated him like a King. Yeah right. That’s not the way I remember her telling me about their relationship before. Her boyfriend accused her of being selfish, of only thinking of herself. If she treated him like a king, would he say that? Her ex boyfriend was right. She really is selfish. She’s a user. She’s an opportunist. How else would you explain her going back and forth, wherever it was more convenient for her. It’s even more pathetic that she can’t realize that. She seems to think that she’s always the victim, that she’s the one who’s always right. For someone who graduated Magna Cum Laude, she sure is pretty stupid when it comes to other things.... the things that really matter. Or maybe she’s aware that she’s the predator, she’s just pretending she doesn’t know that. Like every successful predator, she’s great at making others believe that she’s the victim. Only then will she show her claws. Clever B*tch.

I have a good relationship with all of my ex girlfriends. Either we’re still friends or just civil to each other, but there’s no ill will towards each other. Heck, one just asked me to marry her. On the other hand, all of her ex boyfriends despise her. I want her to think about that. Maybe that would give her a clue about who’s to blame in our failed relationship. I admit, it’s probably both our faults. But the blame can’t solely be put on me, as what she has been implicating.

Evidently it was over. Harsh words were said, and wounds were made that would take such a long time to heal. I didn’t feel regret. I felt that the woman I fell in love with had somehow died… this was a different person altogether. She said sorry after a few days. Though I did not reply immediately, I was no longer mad. I thought maybe we could at least be friends in the future. I was sure we can be civil to each other. I accepted the fact that we were just not meant to be. Two failed trials at a relationship--- that has got to mean something, right?

Then I found out what she has been busy doing. What the Heck was that apology about?! What the hell was that “SORRY” for?! All the while I’ve kept quiet, I didn’t talk about what happened even to my closest friends because I believed it was a private matter. And what about her? She has been telling people, up this present day I believe, lies that she’s mixing with several truths to make them believable. Half truths! For instance, she’s telling people I called her a bitch to her face. What I said was my friends call her a bitch, yet I still loved her. See the HUGE difference? Either she’s manipulative for changing what really happened, or she’s incredibly dumb not to see the difference. Now I call her a BITCH, so she doesn’t have to lie anymore. Although the term WITCH would be more appropriate. To make her act more believable, she’s crying while she’s telling her sob story. Someone give her an Oscar already. It’s so much easier for girls to gain sympathy. Whenever 2 people who are in a relationship fight, it's easier to think of the guy as the villain, because girls are perceived to be weak and mild, they can do no harm... while men are perceived to be strong and more aggressive. Even if it's the woman's fault, many people judge the guy before hearing the whole story. A lot of women are aware of this, and they use it to their advantage. And let's not forget the effect of a woman's tears. Just shed a tear and everyone will be there for you, no matter what gibberish you have been saying. This is a sort of an illness for her. Even before, she kept on telling people about our problems and arguments, even those she’s not close to. Many times I hear about her problems with me through certain people that she’s confided in--- and there are a lot of them. And many aren’t even close to her! They tell me they were surprised she told them those things. But when I asked her about her issues with me, she usually said it’s not a problem at all, she’s dealing with it. Now who doesn’t know how to communicate properly? She keeps on telling others that it’s me who can’t communicate properly, when she’s guilty of the very same thing! Even though her habit of ANNOUNCING our problems to such a huge audience pissed me off most of the time--- it’s embarrassing after all to have all these people knowing about your private affairs, I’ve learned to live with it. I’ve accepted it as one of her faults that I should learn to live with. And besides, it was partly okay then, because those were truths after all. But this time it was so much different. This time she has been spreading lies. For what goal? To ruin my reputation?! How can you do something like that to someone you’ve once loved? Maybe, despite her telling me so frequently that she loved me, she never really loved me at all. It wasn’t really love she felt, it was some other feeling that she mistook for love. A lot of those who've heard my side of the whole story (directly from me, or from some of my trusted friends) have told me that it looks like I was never really loved. I might have been used. And though it hurts, some have even said I've always played second fiddle to her ex. I really bought the illusion that she LOVED [sic! sic! sic!] me because I've been hearing her say that word so frequently.

A lot of people believed her, mostly people I’m not close to. And her close friends, even though they know me, are too stupid to think for themselves so they believed her outright. Or maybe they DO have a brain under their thick skulls, they’re just blindly loyal so they forget to use those neurons. I was particularly upset because I was close to one of her friends. I can’t expect her to take my side, but for the sake of our friendship, she should’ve at least heard my side of the story first before passing judgment on me… before she took sides. I would’ve wanted her to try and fix things and be our mediator, which you would expect when two of your friends are the ones who are at odds. Heck, i would’ve been happy if she at least stayed neutral… but I suppose not all people can do that. I really don’t understand how some people can’t keep themselves from private affairs. Even if they’re really close to one of the parties involved, wouldn’t it be better to keep a “hands off” approach? No matter how close you are to a certain person, you can never know what he or she is like in a relationship unless you’ve actually been in a relationship with him or her. A great friend can be a horrible girlfriend or boyfriend, so you can’t just judge the other person because you can never know what it’s like to be in his or her shoes. As for her other blindly loyal friend? I actually don’t give a shit. I was never close to her, and I never really liked her. She seemed to think she’s so cool, when she’s actually a big fat stupid loser. As if she’s on an alternate universe. If both of them only kept themselves from private affairs and tried to fix up their own lives, they probably won’t give birth to children out of wedlock. Am I being too harsh? Truth is, I think I’m being too nice.

I’ve been calling those who bought her story outright STUPID. But I guess I was the most stupid person of all… for ever falling for her. Could anyone be any more stupid than that?

Now, many people are mad at me, because of things that I’ve SUPPOSEDLY done. At least a lot of people didn’t believe her also. My closest friends took her every word with a grain of salt. And even those people whom I’m not close to, but know the things she had done before. There was this incident wherein this guy was acting like some sort of a stalker. He kept on courting her even though she rejected him already. Because she had a boyfriend then. Then again, maybe her real reason was she didn’t find him attractive. After all, having a boyfriend didn't stop her from playing those games with me. The guy actually stopped courting her in a formal manner, but he kept on doing nice things to her which gave the impression that he still was courting her. To make long story short, the guy eventually got pissed with all her rude rejections and accusations, and sent her an email, which practically called her trash... and also implied that she’s a slut, with the way she’s behaving at parties yet acts like some conservative prim and proper female in class. She then printed the email and showed it to every single person she encountered. I bet even strangers. Practically everyone in class read the email, including me even though we barely spoke at that time. I thought she was right then because I was still infatuated [sic!] with her. But looking back--- there are more humane ways to reject a guy. And I think the fight between them is a private affair, she shouldn’t have made it public. It would be all right to seek advice from a few close friends, but to involve the whole class is just plain wrong. I guess a lot of people thought the same way as I’m thinking now. Apparently, the guy has many friends. Her plan backfired. All the while she thought she was ruining the guy’s reputation, but in reality she was ruining hers. A lot of people thought what she did was horrible. And that’s how a lot of people began referring to her as the evil bitch from hell. I guess what she’s doing to me now is the same thing. If I believed in karma, I would believe that one of these days, what she has been doing would also backfire on her. I’ve been a fool, and it looks like there are going to be more fools. Many are still attracted to her sweet, conservative, mild mannered exterior, unaware of the wolf beneath. There will be more victims. Hopefully, before that happens, karma would strike.

Many have said that I still love her because I’m still so mad at her. I couldn’t allow anyone to affect me this way if I still didn’t have feelings for her. Yadda yadda yadda. Blah blah blah. I believe some of those psychoanalytical stuff, but in this case, what those people have been saying is a big pile of psychoanalytical crap. I have no love for her. Just plain hatred. So enough of this Love equals hate, and hate equals love, what you say is the opposite of what you feel bullshit. Maybe the only connection is--- because I loved her so much, it hurts so much knowing the things that she’s done to me. Any bad thing done by any other person would be negligible, but in her case, it is amplified a million times because I’ve loved her so much. So the resulting hate is proportional to that. But now, there’s no love left, I’m so sure of that. I’ve even had dreams months back of torturing her and inflicting so much pain on her. I’m no sadomasochist, so there’s no love in that. Purely hatred, As distinct as black from white, no in betweens, no gray areas. I was so preoccupied with those things a few months back, that every time I went outside, I would imagine seeing her, then I’d think of ways to hurt her. Every time I saw a long haired girl, I was filled with delight that it could be her and I could hurt her …only to be disappointed when I’d realize it wasn’t her after all. Geez, a few months back, I was in the verge of madness--- hence the title of this blog, which I never bothered to change. I was on a JOURNEY TO INSANITY. I would’ve gone to the loony bin if I didn’t learn to control my impulses.

So now I’m okay, Now I’m stable. Now I’m highly functional. Time can heal wounds after all. I’m capable of being happy, as long as no one mentions her name. As long as I don’t see her face. As long as I don’t see her smirk. As long as I don’t see her smile.

I’ve already done this blog, translating my feelings into actual text…. And it’s an extremely lengthy text. So did this help? Did it make me feel better? Have I released the anger and hatred from my body, now that I’ve translated my emotions into actual words?


Not really.


I still want to strangle her.

Dissecting the Female Mind

Reality shows amuse me. I know a lot of them are crap, but for the established shows like Survivor and The Apprentice, the novelty doesn't wear off despite the repetitive mechanics because they're dealing with a different set of people each season, so no two seasons are exactly alike. What amazes me is the great deal of insights on human behavior that we see when watching these shows. I particularly enjoy seasons wherein they separate men from women into 2 different groups. The differences between genders are so explicit, you'd marvel at how these differences are so universal, that you actually experience the same idiosyncrasies in everyday life.

I find it amusing that almost always, the women's group self destructs due to internal conflicts. The bickering never stops! It can be discreet backstabbing that eventually comes out in the open due to one blabbermouth, but often, these women don't hesitate to speak their mind, with explosive consequences. And in contrast, the men's group are the first to bond with each other. If any conflicts would arise, it would arise later on. And often these are resolved, with a few remnants of backstabbing here and there, but the men can get their act together despite those conflicts and work together efficiently. It never comes to the point that the group crumbles due to such conflicts.

With my past relationships, I've noticed such differences, which are often the cause of many quarrels. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus indeed. It's enough to drive a man crazy trying to understand the female mind! For one thing, I don't like the fact that women say one thing when they actually mean another thing. One would think men need a translator to understand what they really want. And they say men lack communication, when they can't even communicate properly as well! Or when we fight, I notice how they can't keep their mouth shut--- they'd blab about the problem to almost every friend--- or in the case of my ex, she'd blab about it to every single person that she'd encounter, strangers included, complete with waterworks to gain sympathy. Conflicts that arise in a relationship are a private matter, right? So why is there a need to involve other people, when the two people involved should fix things themselves? It's okay to seek advice, but involving others to get sympathy or to have added firepower on your side of the war is another matter. As for me? I choose to keep quiet, unless my friends are really persistent in probing--- that's when I speak out. And it's not for getting support, it's plainly for advice. And I know I'm not the only one like that. When my female friends fight with their boyfriends, they would tell me all about it as soon a possible. And most of them don't really listen to good advice, they'd just want you to tell them that they're the one who's right. I've had several violent reactions when I tell them they might be the ones at fault. As for my male friends? Like me, they don't usually talk about their relationship problems. Maybe it's partly because women can get sympathy easily. Just shed a tear and there would be a mountain of support for you. But if you're a man who sheds a tear, you'd most probably get laughed at and be called a wimp. But mostly, i think it's because handling relationship problems on your own makes a man a man. Involving others in your plight is a sign of weakness.

Women often complain about gender inequalities, how men often have the advantage in certain things. Well, when it comes to gaining sympathy, women definitely have the upper hand, as I have stated above. Another example? Women can scream sexual harrassment even when there's no harrassment at all, just to get back at someone, probably. and most probably, a lot of people will believe them. Men crying sexual harrassment would most probably be ignored, even if they really were harrassed... because in this world, the common perception is: WOMEN CAN'T BE ATTACKERS. MEN CAN'T BE VICTIMS. Women can also use sexuality as a weapon, for crying out loud--- and a lot of women are aware of that. And men using sexuality as a weapon? not as effective. In certain aspects of life, men have it better; in others, women have the edge. So what's with all the complaining? Everything evens out, eventually. All this fuss about gender equality and cry for women's liberation is confusing... and it seems like a lot of nonsense to me. How can a lot of these women still be fighting fiercely for equality when in today's world, men and women are mostly treated as equals? Sure, in some places gender discrimination still exists, but in most places, such discrimination is a thing of the past. And it's not like men are not discriminated. Notice also how this equality is relative. If they really want equality, then they'd better not expect guys to pick up the tab everytime they go out on dates.

I also notice how women and their close friends tend to flock together in the face of adversity, without even thinking if what they're doing is right. It's all about sticking together. When I fought with my ex, her blind, loyal followers gang up on me. It's like they've lost their own sense of judgment, as if they have been possessed by a single person. If my ex was mad at me, they're all mad at me. Forget about friendship with them as individuals. If you get the ire of one, you get the ire of everyone. it's like individual thought processes have been lost. Now imagine men doing that. Seems silly doesn't it?

Most women i know deny such things when they're brought up in casual conversation. Then i've recently had a talk with this girl who's more of an acquaintance. We talked about my ex because she kept asking me what happened. I told her my gripes with my past relationship, some of which I've mentioned above. I was surprised when she told me matter of factly, that women are really like that. There's this always present insecurity just beneath the surface, trying to come out. That's why they need all the support they can get. And men should understand that. Maybe because she has a degree in Psychology, maybe she's just above us all and incapable of bias (she pointed out my faults as well as hers), or maybe sometimes she can actually think like men. Maybe at times, she puts herself in men's shoes. She can see faults in both genders. I found it funny when she said I should watch the movie Mean Girls. In a serious tone, she told me the movie mirrors female behavior in real life perfectly, and yet a lot of women won't admit that. She said I'd probably get some insights when I watch that movie. So I watched it on DVD. besides getting insights, I also had a ton of laughs. hehe. Funny how the movie's tagline says it all--- Welcome to Girl World. Watch you back.

I think relationships would be easier if sometimes, women can think like men. I'm sure, as a retort, they'll say it would be easier if men would think like women also. Yeah right. Just by watching those reality shows, a clash between women and men who think like women would result in utter mayhem. But I guess it won't hurt if men think like women--- SOMETIMES. I've heard a lot of women say the expression "men: can't live with them, can't live without them.", that it gets irritating already. As if men are the only ones at fault. I wonder if they're aware that men sometimes think we can't live with them, and can't live without them,too.

A Less than Super Return

After more than a week since it was first shown on local cinemas, I've finally seen the much hyped Superman Returns. I wasn't really excited to see this movie, that's why I didn't join the first day rush like I usually do. hehe. Probably because the premiere superhero of DC comics has become a little bit overexposed lately. I'd be hard pressed to find anyone who doesn't know the character and his origins. There's Smallville on television--- which has basically butchered the Superman Mythos in my opinion. Plus the cartoon series Justice League Unlimited, though it has already ended its five season run, is stil very much alive in syndication. And in my opinion, it had the best portrayal of Superman ever. So do we really need a new Superman movie?

Also, I'm more of a Batman fan than Superman. I can't seem to relate to the character, who was portrayed to be invincible (if not for Kryptonite). He was just too perfect and goody-goody, like an adult boy scout or something. And since I wasn't eager to watch Superman Returns immediately, I thought I'd have my first IMAX experience with this movie.But since screenings were still sold out until monday, with few seats left on the succeeding days, I figured I'd just watch it on an ordinary theater and get it over with. Everybody seems to have the same idea of having their first IMAX experience with Superman. Instead of waiting forever, I'd rather have my IMAX experience with some documentary, where i don't have to partake in the mad scramble for seats.

Anyway, i didn't have high expectations with the movie. I even felt sleepy at first. The first 30-40 minutes or so were a bit dragging. But from that plane sequence up to the near end, it doesn't let up. Sure, there are few action sequences, but the movie was well paced, it didn't feel like more than two hours. And the love angle wasn't as nauseating as others have said. It was just enough, unlike Spiderman 2 which was almost over the top with the love angle, I wondered why so many people thought that movie was excellent. The movie was really well done, but it's no Batman Begins. I thought reviving the franchise this way was a good idea. Portraying Superman somewhat like Jesus Christ was a brilliant idea. I also think the plot was more interesting than an origin story. After all, who doesn't know Superman's origin story these days? An origin story wouldn't spark much interest. They can't really add variety to the origin unlike Batman Begins wherein there were so many gaps in Batman's development that the film makers had the opportunity to add scenes because there was so much more that wasn't shown. Superman's origin was more clear cut.

The very first thing you'll notice upon seeing the opening credits and listening to the score, will be the similarity with the old superman films. Bryan Singer was actually paying homage to the previous Superman Movies. Retaining the old musical score was an excellent decision--- at least most of it. Some sound effects, like when Lois Lane saw the wigs on Lex Luthor's ship, should've stayed in the 70's. Those sound effects, plus the opening credits made the movie seem campy. They don't seem to fit in this era.

Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane was also miscast. She didn't seem to fit in the movie, she's like a sore thumb sticking out because she's like an amateur compared to the others. And does Superman really need a Son this early? (oops--- I should've put a spoiler alert. hehe) I' not some fanboy infuriated because giving superman a son bastardizes his persona in the comics. I just think they could've put such a story angle later, not at the beginning of a new movie franchise. i mean, how will they portray the kid in the sequel? It it going to be about the adventures of Superman and Superboy? The focus won't be about Superman. It would be better if they didn't make sequels at all, with the way they did the movie.

Another gripe? The whole hospital scene didn't seem neccessary. it seeemed anti climactic. They could've cut those scenes out to make the story more streamlined and cohesive. And for an action movie, it didn't have much action. I'd still recommend the movie though. No doubt, it's still way above average. It's more satisfying than X-men: The Last Stand, and better than most Superhero Movies. It's just not the "Super" movie everyone was expecting it to be. In other words, it's no Batman Begins.

On this very day, 51 years ago...

The world witnessed the birth of the bikini. On July 5, 1945.

here's a brief history.

Louis Reard (ray-YARD) had this problem. He had designed Something that would stir the masses. But he needed a name for it, something exotic, bold, and eye opening. Four days before he was to show the world his new bikini in Paris, the U.S. Military provided him with a name. They exploded a nuclear device near several small islands in the Pacific known as the "Bikini Atoll". On July 5th, 1945, he unveiled the bikini. lthough he would later claim he named the bikini after the islands and not the atomic blast, he was clearly taking advantage of a "hot topic". Another Frenchmen, Jacques Heim, had created his own two piece bathing suit, which he called "The Atome", and he described it as "The world's smallest bathing suit.

Reard called his "Smaller than the world's smallest bathing suit."

Reard's "bikini" was so small, in fact, that no Parisian models at the time would wear it on the runway. He hired Micheline Bernardini, who had no qualms about strolling around in a bikini, seeing as her day job was a nude dancer at the Casino de Paris. Bernardini was not what you'd a classic beauty, but after photos of her in a reclining pose hit the press, she was swamped with fan mail, close to 50,000 letters.

51 years later, it seems that this day would go by without much fanfare. Nothing could be more wrong, that's what i say!

so here's to 51 years of women's liberation!

here's to 51 years of making beachwear more comfortable to women!

here's to 51 years of making the beach scenery more pleasing to the eye!

and of course...

here's to 51 years of leaving little left to the imagination of men everywhere. :D

All Things Formal

I'm not really fond of formal events. Partly because I hate dressing up in formal wear. There are so many layers of clothes, dressing up feels too much like work! And once you're already dressed, you feel so stiff in formal wear. You also have to watch your every move because you might mess up your clothes, your hair, your shoes, etc. And once you're there, everyone seems so pretentious and uptight. Probably because everyone is so conscious with their appearance, that they can't show their real selves.

And when they serve the food, instead of enjoying a nice dinner, you have to be self conscious of table manners. It's also hard to eat with long sleeves on. the multitude of utensils also adds up to the confusion. Which one should I use? There are four forks, four knives, 2 spoons. Oh, it goes from outer to inner, you say? And the fork above is a salad fork? And the weird looking knife is a butter knife? The rounded spoon is for soup, the small one is for dessert? And when eating soup, you move the spoon away from you and not towards you? And what's with the formal way of eating bread, wherein you use your hands to break them into little pieces first. Doesn't look too formal now, does it? Not too sanitary either. And let's not forget, there's no formal way of using a toothpick in a public place. You have to go to the restroom for that. Geez, if one isn't used to formal parties, a person has to read a formal dining refresher book first to remember all those details. I'm willing to bet less than half of the guests are aware of the REAL PROPER GENUINE table manners. haha.

The food they serve are also weird. I tried looking at the menu on the table, but I still couldn't figure out what I was eating. The words seem familiar, I've probably encountered them in certain literary works, but they're not common terms you'd use everyday. There's this soup that tastes like coffee. Figures... it was some potato-leek- cappuccino-shellfish-tartar thingie. And this appetizer that seemed like raw fish, but it wasn't raw fish. More like slimy, gooey fish. And another appetizer that has no taste at all. How can you build up an appetite with that? And yet another appetizer, pictured above. Honestly, how many appetizers does one need to build up an appetite? Anyway, the way they served the stuff piqued my curiosity. I first thought it was for display, some sort of miniature plant. Then I saw smoke. maybe some candle light thingy? It looked like the stuff they use for aromatherapy, with some smoke coming from the glass container. When they served the stuff, turns out it was dry ice turning into gas, not smoke. I was witnessing sublimation in front of my very eyes! Cool huh? It was cold, not hot. it contained what looked like a miniscule scoop of sherbet or something. You'd figure they'd serve sherbet during dessert. It was extremely sour--- and also salty. Yeuck. That stuff was supposed to build up my appetite? when I checked the menu, it was indeed sherbet--- lemon sherbet, mixed with some unfamiliar ingredient. Probably some sort of caviar judging from the taste. It definitely didn't taste like dessert. And the main course? It didn't feel like a main course. I probably finished the whole thing in four bites. At least the actual dessert was good, and filling. It was mango cheesecake bordered with chocolate bars, served with a huge scoop of some unfamiliar flavored ice cream, plus some thin cookie thingies. I was already halfway through mine before I thought of taking a picture. hehe. I guess it was really filling, unlike the "main course", because a lot of guests didn't finished theirs. I probably would've gotten their share if I wasn't in a formal party. LOL. Heck, if not for the dessert, and if I wasn't amused with several showbiz personalities among the guests, I'd probably have had a miserable time. hehe.

Looking around, some guests seem to be enjoying themselves. For real. And what do you know! even my siblings! they seem comfortable enough in formal wear, while I felt uneasy and somewhat out of place. I'm comfortable with my own skin, and my own skin doesn't include such formal and high class appendages. Could the fact that I went to a state university in college, while they remained in private schools affected my perception of formal events? Could it have made me unadapted to such settings? Taking all things into consideration, that's the only variable factor between my upbringing and theirs. Heck, I could see how it has affected my taste in music, which they call "cheap". haha. And their friends are mostly straight english speaking, er--- snobs. hehe. Complete with their foreign twangs and accents, expressions like "fuckin' A!" and "OMG!", expensive stylish accessories, and all those shimmery stuff. Not that I wish to have friends like those. God knows I'm not comfortable with people like that. I shudder with the thought that I could have been like that. Come to think of it, I was kinda like that--- a million years ago. Could a difference as simple as going to a state university also account for my being uncomfortable in all things formal?

Could be.

But most probably--- not. hehe.

I don't care anyway. I'd pick fast food, anytime.

To wax or not to wax

No, this is not a post about waxing hair. Heaven knows I know nothing about that painful method of hair removal. hehe. Today, I've just discovered the joys of hair wax! okay, maybe this post is about waxing hair after all. LOL.

I've always been a gel guy. Except maybe in my childhood days when I put baby oil in my hair--- I got that from my mom. The greasy feeling was gross. For a few months now, some friends have been mocking me, that hair gel is a thing of the past. Now there are all sorts of new hair products, like bees wax (WTF?!), hair clay (HUH?!), hair gum (do I have to chew on that first?!)and all sorts of other gooey stuff that guys use for hair styling. I didn't care. Why should I care about the new ones when the old school method still works for me? Gel was still useful for me, and convenient. I'm also used to the product, I know it works. I don't want to spend time trying out those new stuff. Besides, those new stuff may not work for me. Sure, I've tried several variations of hair gel, from the type that would produce a wet look, to the soft look, to the hard look... and recently I've been using the gel water type, which is easier to apply since it's in a liquid form. It's still gel though, and it creates the same effect.

A few months back, when I went to the store to buy hair gel, I've noticed several advertisements of a new product, bearing the same brand of my hair gel. It was hair wax. Remembering what my friends said that it's about time that i tried the new hair styling products, i decided to buy one so I could try it. What have I got to lose? It was fairly cheap anyway. The next day, I decided to try this hair wax. Upon opening the container, the stuff looked weird. It really looked like wax--- floor wax. it even looked like shoe polish. And it felt like wax, which was hard, unlike gel. I thought how can I put this in my hair when I can't even put enough of the stuff in my hands to apply in my hair?! It was weird putting the stuff in my hair, it's like I was polishing each strand. The stuff was also dry, so I couldn't maneuver my hair to get the style I wanted. I looked weird! My hair was a mess! i wondered what went wrong for i followed the instructions in the container. I decided to rinse my hair and go back to my good old hair gel. By the way, the stuff was also freakin' hard to rinse off! It felt greasy, much like the baby oil that I once used.

So... the hair wax just gathered dust, until today when I was dressing up for a party, and found out that I ran out of hair gel! There was no more time to buy some, for I was running late! I had no choice. I had to make do with what I have. It was time to try using hair wax again. It was now or never! The moment of truth! A time to start things over! When I first encountered Mr. Hair Wax, he was an unruly enemy. Some wild animal I couldn't tame. On our second encounter, could it be possible to turn Mr. Hair Wax into a friend?

The stuff looked different. it probably melted a bit because of the heat these days, so it was a bit softer. Also, my hair was still wet because I had just taken a shower. Maybe that's why it felt easier to apply in my hair. Water was probably the missing ingredient! It felt like I was applying hair gel. Ang when my hair dried, it was soft, yet the wax still maintained the style I wanted. Unlike hair gel, which made my hair really hard, any unfortunate creature that would fall in my hair would probably get impaled and die. Also, it wasn't that hard to rinse--- I guess I just truly disliked the product before so I thought it was hard to rinse.

So my friends were right all along. These new products are the way of the future! Improvements were made, so I may say goodbye to my old friend the hair gel. We had shared so many great moments together. Such fond memories. Now, I'M A WAX BOY. Maybe I should try hair clay also. Or that gum. Or maybe that bees wax thing--- er, wait a minute...

knowing all these hair styling products doesn't make me a metrosexual now... does it?

The Right Amount of... Skank

I've noticed that I have a lot of serious posts last month. So to be a little different, I'll post a fun/ humorous entry. Something frivolous, nothing serious.

I've seen a lot of blogs with top 10 this and top 10 that--- everyone's coming up with their own countdowns of anything under the sun. I thought it would be fun to post a countdown of my own... so here I present The TOP 5 sexiest videos ever made (at least in my opinion. hehe)... AKA videos with just the right amount of skank. LOL

but before that, a definition--- from WIKIPEDIA:

Skank or skanky is a slang term, and is an adjective or noun referring to one who is undesirable as a result of unacceptable behavior. Most often this behavior relates to drug use, sexual practices, and/or personal hygiene and style. Originally associated with a bad smell and/or scummy or dirty surface, it has come to refer to someone who is either or both physically repugnant for their filth and morally or socially repugnant for their behavior and demeanor, most often sexually. Prostitutes are often associated with the term though in reference to a usually non-whoring person. It is pejorative.

Recent usage of the term in the United States has been to describe a particular kind of female behavior, characterized by wanton selfishness, repeated self-detrimental behavior, flirting and sexual promiscuity.

so to say "the right amount of skank" would be something that's EXTREMELY sexual, almost reaching the point of being gross and unacceptable, but never achieving that point... so it's still all good... at least that's how I see it. hehe.

So here's my top 5.

5. Don't Cha (Pussycat Dolls) - Yeah, the video isn't that daring, but with the Pussycats singing that phenomenal tune, how can I not include this on the list? The song has practically become an Anthem of some sort! And it's really funny how this song can bring out the "liberated" side of every female. Every time the song is played in bars and clubs, evey female suddenly turns up in the dance floor, dancing widely, as if they're being called by the pied piper! haha. I also seem to notice that guys seem to appreciate this song more than girls. I wonder why? hehe. and I have to admit, at times I catch myself humming this tune. It has a catchy beat after all! As 2 of my female friends say, nothing weirds them out more than hearing their boyfriends sing "Don't Cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me..." every now and then. haha.

4. Dirrty (Christina Aguilera) - Now, this one borders on the vulgar side. hehe. Just a little more skin and this video would be downright immoral! I was never attracted to Christina Aguilera, because i prefer girls who have a little more meat. She's waaaaaay too skinny for my taste... but upon seeing this video, she made me stand up and take notice! hehe. I hear she's gone the virginal route now? I wonder how long that would last. hehe. I remember thinking a few years back, "Man, this video would be a whole lot better if it was britney doing that!"

which leads us to...

3. I'm A Slave 4 U (Britney Spears) - sure, this isn't her most daring video. I've seen her showing much more skin in others. But you'd have to agree, it's arguably her most sensual. Nothing conveys such a blissful imagery more than a sweaty female dancing about, with scenes of panting and heavy breathing. LOL. Every time I see it again, I seem to yearn for the days when she didn't get knocked up yet. tsk, tsk. Now she looks pathetic, like some publicity hungry killer whale. er--- that was a bit harsh. hehe. Oh well, as they say, all good things must come to an end.

2. Candy shop (50 cent) - Imagine walking into a house filled with beautiful sexy ladies, and you can pick anyone you like... or if you're greedy, pick everyone! haha. that's definitely every guy's fantasy, whether they admit it or not--- being in this sort of Candy Shop. hehe. Even at the start of the video, when the lady says "Welcome to the candy shop...", you'd feel like there's a lot of tasty treats in store for you.

1. Buttons (Pussycat Dolls) - I've only seen this video recently, and I was like WOW! WOWOWOW! let me say it again... WOW! Very sensual, very erotic, it was even quite artistic. Their every move matched the song perfectly. The girls were even flexible--- that's an added bonus. haha. Can we expect anything less from a group that has its origins in burlesque? Hope their videos would keep getting better and better and better!!!

HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Don't let me be the last to know (Britney Spears)- Many guys would agree, this is the first video that we've realized that she's no longer a girl, she's a hot, hot, hot WOMAN! Just seeing this once would be enough to make any guy forget her bubble gum pop origins. And yeah, you can even forget her present trashy humpback whale like state.

Me Against the music (Britney Spears) - this is one hot video, with its lesbian undertones and all. I would've included this in the top 5, But after much thought, I've come to the conclusion that the thought of kissing Madonna is very, very disturbing. Madonna creeps me out.

Toxic (Britney Spears)- Sure it's quite campy, but remember the scene where she's only covered with strategically placed jewels? Okay, 'nuff said. :D

Beep (Pussycat Dolls) - the Dolls look hot in this Video, with their skimpy clothes and all. This would've made my top 5, if only they didn't behave like some adoloscent roomies in some sort of pajama party.