She Devil

I knew I was going to post something like this.

Eventually.

My previous entry was but a prelude to this. With that post, I seemed to have committed the sin of generalization. On my previous entry, I seemed to be thinking that every girl in the world is like her. When I was typing that entry, I was thinking of her. Then I seemed to think every girl in the world is manipulative...

is an opportunist...

is a liar...

is selfish...

is self centered...

is egostistic...

is neurotic...

I became oblivious to the fact that the best advice and support that were given to me during those difficult times came from women. Nothing can be more wrong than to generalize. Not every woman in the world is like her. There is a God, and he can’t possibly allow all women in the world to be like her… and her blind friends, for that matter.

It was sometime last March, a month after my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. I was burning with anger then, because of all the lies she kept telling people. I wanted nothing more than to shut her up. One of my friends suggested that I write down what I'm feeling. He said it helps release the tension. He even suggested that I do it in a blog. If I write my feelings in a piece of paper and somebody read it, they'd probably know it was me who wrote those things. But if I post my feelings in a blog, I'd remain anonymous since my blog would be lost in the sea of blogs out there--- unless I told someone about it. So last march, after following all sorts of advice, I created a blogger account. What have I got to lose? I might as well try it. I typed what I was feeling. It was an entry full of anger, littered with expletives and ill will. But when I clicked the "publish post" button, the damn thing won't work. It won’t even save as a draft. Something was wrong with the site! Maybe what happened was a good thing. I never got to publish that blog. It was only last May when I was doing practically nothing when I decided to post something on the blogger account that I've created.

I'm okay now. Most of the time. I'm not angry--- most of the time. Most of the time I'm highly functional, all emotions in check. Until someone brings her up. Or mentions her name. That's when I see red. In an instant, I burn up again. I can’t seem to control it. No one has ever made me this mad before. Not even my ex who cheated on me (and who recently asked me to marry her out of the blue… how pathetic is that?). Not even those people who destroyed my reputation somehow.

So maybe I should start typing my feelings again, as was previously advised. It won't be some incessant ranting like what I did before--- after all, I'm less angry. I'll try to do something more orderly.

Sometimes i wonder what's the point of having relationships, when I have no plans of getting married in the near future. Am I looking for companionship? I have a lot of really great friends for that. Am I seeking intimacy? I can go down on the local bar for that, one great night of intimacy. Or for the sake of convenience, some even sell intimacy in the streets late at night... I'm just kidding. I won’t venture into that. Sure, there are many benefits with having a relationship, you'd have a special bond with someone else, far greater than you can have with most of your friends. Heck, you could do things you can't do with most of your friends. But at what price? It brings so much pain when a person you've once loved has done things to hurt you. Trying to figure out another person also brings so many headaches. Not having the perfect relationship that you had in your mind brings so much frustration. You always have to consider what the other person is thinking because essentially you've become incorporated into each others lives. In a way, you're crippled--- you can't decide on your own. You have to agree with each other since you have become one with each other. If you’re single, it's less complicated. you only have to think for yourself. You have freedom. You don't experience the headaches that come with managing relationships. Sure, being single does carry a risk of being lonely, but at least you won't get hurt as much. And there are so many other ways to be happy.

So why do I hate her so much? Just hearing her name is enough to make me go mad. When I first met her 5 years ago, it was love at first sight [sic]. Okay, it wasn't love, for the attraction was more of the physical kind. After two years, along with her friends, she was dropping signs that she liked me too. And she frequently fought with her boyfriend because of that. She even went on a vacation with me and my friends one summer, even though we weren't even close then. She even faked having cramps so I could massage her legs. That should've given me a clue about her true colors. As one of my friends said, no decent girl who's in a relationship would entice another guy knowing that she already has a boyfriend.

Finally, she said it out loud. She also had feelings for me. Why did she have to say that? What did she want me to do? She still had a boyfriend. I'm not the type who'll steal someone else's girl. I've been on the receiving end of a two-timing girlfriend before, and I know how that hurts. If she broke up with him it would be less complicated. After a few more months, they did break up. Apparently, I was one of the reasons. But then she told me she had a lot of things in her mind, she still had a lot of issues to resolve. After a few more months, I asked her if I can court her. She went into some lengthy response, but the bottom line was, she rejected me. I was hurt. After all those months of teasing? Did she just play me for a fool? Did it just make her feel good that someone besides her boyfriend liked her? I felt so lost that night, and yeah, there were waterworks. I could've moved on, but she still kept on sending random text messages to me such as "I miss you", and even --- good grief, "I love you". What kind of game was she playing?! So I held on to the idea that eventually we could be together. After several more months I've grown tired. What set me off was when I heard that she was dating some other guys, besides me. She said she was just trying to resolve several issues, but I'm the one she wants... all those things are just crap. If she wants to play the field, leave me out of it. I told her it was over. I'm done with all the games.

Then the next day, she wanted to meet. We met at the chapel, of all places. at midnight. She told me one of the issues that she wanted to resolve first was her parents. Apparently, they liked her ex boyfriend so much, they wanted her to marry him. Her parents think of her ex as their son. Another issue was me. I was so inconsistent, she didn't know if I did love her. O--kay, so I'm the one who's inconsistent. Even if I seemed inconsistent, maybe it was because I really can't show my real feelings for her because she can't give me anything definite. I was shocked with what happened next. She told me she wanted to be my girlfriend. At that very moment. She was going to throw all uncertainties in the wind because it was what she really wanted. I didn't feel joy at first. After all, I was preparing myself to get over my feelings for her. I was plainly surprised. After reality has set in, after a few days, I started feeling happy. After all, how often does one get to be so lucky? It was a dream come true, being with you dream girl [sic].

After a month, it seemed that we weren't really prepared for this. First of all, we didn't know each other very well. The attraction was mainly physical at first. We had a lot of arguments. We often argued about minor things like our schedules. How I preferred to sleep when we’re together…. Hey, clinical clerkship was really exhausting! Also about her not wanting me to pay for dates and her not wanting much material stuff from me, though she kept giving me material stuff. Some sort of “equal rights for women” thing, I guess. She didn't like my habit of just letting things pass without talking about them. For me, what's the point in dwelling with things that are done? What's done is done, let's just move on. Also, I rarely talk about my feelings. What can I do about it? I’m an introvert by nature. That’s how I am. But when people ask me I answer them. She also didn't like the fact that I rarely say i loved her, when she kept on saying she loved me. I dunno, it's just that I think of the term love as something really deep. It's not a word I'd keep on throwing around. For me, loving someone would mean you'd want to marry her, you'd want to spend the rest of your life with her, you'd do anything for her, and give up everything for her. That's my definition of love. And I can't say that to someone I've only been in a relationship for less than a month. I admit that’s one of my issues that I can’t seem to resolve. I have such a lofty definition of love, I can’t bring myself to say such a simple word that others keep on saying with ease. If my feelings are not the same as my definition, I can’t say it. How I wish I see love as synonymous to just liking someone, simply caring for someone, or even infatuation like a lot of people I know.

One time, in one of our huge fights, my mind was clouded with anger when she threatened to break up with me. I really went too far when I practically called her a slut when she kept on comparing me with her ex, who was much more--- intimate. There were even rumors that she was a nymphomaniac, a sex addict, which further clouded my sense of judgment... if those rumors were true, that would explain why I never seemed intimate enough... anyway, i was really sorry for that. We almost broke up then, but we made up after a week. It was evident it wasn't going to last though. We had too many misunderstandings. One day she found a letter from my ex girlfriend which actually had pretty harmless content. She got so upset. I wasn't really in the mood for that then, I even got mad at her for probing at my personal stuff. We didn't talk for 2 days. When we finally did, she broke up with me. I didn't complain. That was also what I wanted. Why keep on pursuing something that was evidently not going to last.

We were on speaking terms again after a month or so. Just plain friends. Then I heard that her ex boyfriend wanted to get back together with her. She told me she didn't love him but she was going to get back together with him anyway. I told her what's the point in that? Wouldn't you rather wait for someone who you'll love? She didn't listen to me. Apparently, she wanted the convenience of having a boyfriend, even if that was tantamount to using him. Then I received a message from her saying she never felt more miserable in her life. Why send that to me? After several weeks, they broke up. Apparently the guy got a clue that she didn't love her. He broke up with her.

Stupid me. At that time, I still wasn't over her. i still kept on listening to stupid mushy love songs. I still kept on thinking of what could've been. What I have done wrong. What I should’ve done instead. That's when I realized i really loved her [sic!]. Could I be still thinking of her months after we broke up if I didn't? So when they broke up, I saw that as an opportunity. I told her I still felt the same way, I asked her if we could give it another try. She said she also felt the same way. So eventually, we got back together--- UNOFFICIALLY. Because that was what she wanted. I never thought I'd see the day when a girl would prefer to have an "unofficial" relationship. She wanted it that way so there will be “no pressures, no expectations, but with commitment”. Who was I to bargain? So I agreed. I still felt like the luckiest guy in the world. After all, how many people are given a second chance? I wanted to make things right this time. I wanted us to work. My friends know how much I’ve changed. She noticed how much I’ve changed. God knows how much I’ve changed. God knows how hard I tried to make things work.

After about two months, several friends of mine told me that she told them that she wanted us to be official already, she was just waiting for me to bring it up. So I did. She told me bluntly, in a very cold manner, that she was only saying what people wanted to hear, not what she’s really feeling. Ok… still people keep pestering me to ask her to be official already because she kept on saying that to them. I asked her again. She gave the same response. I said to myself, I’ll never bring this up again, I’ll just wait for her to tell me. I’ll wait until she tells me she’s ready.

It was still a rocky road. There have been minor bumps, a few arguments here and there. But I remained patient, unlike before. i didn't want to waste the second chance I got, after all. I didn't want to open my mouth, because based from our past experiences, that only made matters worse. All those times, I just kept my mouth shut, and eventually the anger would pass. Some of those arguments were really ridiculous. Like the time she kept on insisting that she was taller than me, when everyone can see that I'm about 2-3 inches taller than her! I wasn't with her the time she brought this up, so i told her to just look at our pictures to see the truth. She told me i was just nearer to the camera, when it is evident in the pictures that I was either behind her or directly beside her. She was too stubborn! She won't believe me even with all the proof! I told her to ask our friends, but of course she wouldn't do that. The only way to prove it to her was to meet her personally. But I couldn't meet her because I was doing community work in the province. She was taunting me for several days, and i could tell she was enjoying it. She was enjoying trying to test my patience. Maybe she was just trying to piss me off. Or maybe she's to egotistic, she fails to notice others--- including me. We've known each other for a long time. She should be aware of something as simple as my height. Or maybe she's just plain stupid. When we met after a few days, I stood beside her... then she finally agreed, with a bit of shock in her face. Christ, she really didn't know my height. Could you possibly love someone without even knowing his height?! What happened after a week gave me a stronger headache. She still insisted that she's taller because she can see my scalp. Good grief. She's not blind. So maybe she's really stupid. Most likely, she was really trying to test my patience.

After several weeks, she gave me a letter saying that after a lot of thought, she wanted our relationship to finally be official. But things were different. I admit, I was becoming tired of all the waiting and indecisiveness, but it was so much more than that. At that time, she seemed to have changed. She didn’t seem like the person I fell in love with. Or maybe she was always like that, I just didn’t see it before. Maybe she really was this horrible person that a lot of people have been seeing.

Granted, she was sick at that time, which could explain the mood swings. But she has been unpredictable, moody, and indecisive from day 1. Making her illness a scapegoat just won’t do. And I couldn’t understand why she hasn’t spoken to her parents for a month. A Month before that, her parents got mad at her because she went home at 10 AM, after spending the whole night getting drunk. For some reason I can’t understand, this made her wild with anger, complete with throwing furniture, expletives, plus a whole bunch of other fireworks. Her parents reduced her allowance as punishment, which made her even more psychotic. When we saw each other, She reasoned to me that if her brother who’s 2 years younger can go home in the morning without a peep from her parents, she should be given the same treatment. I told her that her parents were only worried because she’s a girl, and there are far worse things that can happen to a girl who’s out during the night compared to guys. She can’t expect equal treatment with her brother even if she was older. Add the fact that she’s beautiful [sic], a lot of predators can see her as prey just for her physical assets [sic]. Still, she remained angry. She left home and just stayed at hospital for weeks. I understood where her parents’ anger were coming from. It’s her I couldn’t understand. I have many issues with my parents also, I have had many arguments with them, but it never came to a point wherein I stayed mad at them for so long. Her reasons for staying mad weren’t even valid. Maybe if she was some 5 year old kid, such behavior would be acceptable. But she’s already an adult, for crying out loud.

Also, I found out she went to see her ex boyfriend, with the goal of getting back together with him. Yup, the same guy she broke up with before she became my girlfriend, and the same guy she went back to when we broke up the first time. Did she think this was some sort of ping pong game or something?! And that happened mere days after giving me the letter saying she wanted us to be official already. And weren’t we still in our unofficial relationship then? The one with no expectations but with COMMITMENT?! Good thing, when she went to her ex-boyfriend’s house, she saw that her ex already had a new girlfriend. The look on her face must have been priceless.

I never told her I found out about that. I stayed silent. I didn’t answer her letter in any way. There are so many things in my head. Because my schedule suddenly became hectic then, I didn’t see her for almost 2 weeks. I then received an email from her, saying I was so insensitive for not answering her letter. I was so insensitive for keeping her hanging like that. I wanted to confront her about that incident when she went to her boyfriend’s house. But there were more reasons why I’m having second thoughts about the relationship, primarily because she has changed a lot. She didn’t seem like the same person that I loved. I particularly didn’t like the way she’s treating her parents. I told her she had no valid reason. That’s why I have to think about things first. I have to think if I still wanted to move further with the relationship. That set off another major fight--- through email, for crying out loud. That really set her off. She told me how can I judge her like that. Plus some irrational statements that I should always be on her side and not with her parents. She then told me that her anger with her parents were deeply rooted, since high school. She then went on with details that she never told me before to justify her anger. And let’s not forget her classic lines, “if your feelings for me can change that easily, I shouldn’t be with you in the first place.” “I feel like I’ve been played. I’m tired of all your games”. SO NOW I’M THE ONE WHO’S PLAYING GAMES?! SHE’S THE ONE WHO WAS PLAYED?! Man, what a hypocrite! Looking back, it seems she has been playing me from day one! If it seemed like I’m playing her, I didn’t mean to. I guess that’s a good thing though. If it seemed like I played her, then she just experienced a dose of her own medicine. Oh yeah, let’s not forget my favorite line --- “If you don’t shape up, there are a lot of guys who would die to be in your place”. Jesus Christ. What an ego. On hindsight, she’s not that beautiful. She’s too thin. Her teeth are a jagged mess, as if someone punched her in the mouth. And there’ something wrong with her jaw, like it’s too big for her face. Some people even say she looks like a drag queen. Some people say she looks like a witch, she just needs a pointed hat and a broom. She then mentioned her friends. Her ever loyal, blind, overly biased friends. Her friends who don’t have minds of their own. She said her friends were right that she should stop seeing me, and that her friends were right--- I am an ASSHOLE.

Now who wouldn’t get pissed off with such a response? I answered her point by point. First of all, how can I understand why she’s so angry with her parents when she never told me those other details in the first place?! And still, her reasons don’t justify her anger. How can she act so ungrateful to the people who have sacrificed a lot for her? It must break their hearts to see they’ve brought up such a horrible person. As for her egotistical statement? I told her that likewise, there are so many girls who would die to be in her place. I’m not being proud and cocky, but that’s the truth. I’ve received a lot of proposals and admirations here and there, and I see how a lot of people look at me. How some people practically stare at me. It’s just not something I’m proud of, and it’s definitely not something I’d say out loud. I’m not comfortable with that. I’m not comfortable with being admired. That was the first time I said that out loud, to show her that she’s not the only one who’s “in demand”. As for her stupid friends? I told her I don’t give a f*ck about her stupid friends. Many of my friends hate her. They call her manipulative, arrogant, indecisive, evil, self centered, and hey, some even call her a bitch. She doesn’t have a good reputation, though she thinks she does. But I never listened to my friends, no matter what they’ve said. I still loved her. So why should she listen to her friends? This set off replies full of expletives, on her part and mine. I called her a queen, maybe she misses her ex boyfriend because he treated her like a queen. She says she was treated like a queen because she treated him like a King. Yeah right. That’s not the way I remember her telling me about their relationship before. Her boyfriend accused her of being selfish, of only thinking of herself. If she treated him like a king, would he say that? Her ex boyfriend was right. She really is selfish. She’s a user. She’s an opportunist. How else would you explain her going back and forth, wherever it was more convenient for her. It’s even more pathetic that she can’t realize that. She seems to think that she’s always the victim, that she’s the one who’s always right. For someone who graduated Magna Cum Laude, she sure is pretty stupid when it comes to other things.... the things that really matter. Or maybe she’s aware that she’s the predator, she’s just pretending she doesn’t know that. Like every successful predator, she’s great at making others believe that she’s the victim. Only then will she show her claws. Clever B*tch.

I have a good relationship with all of my ex girlfriends. Either we’re still friends or just civil to each other, but there’s no ill will towards each other. Heck, one just asked me to marry her. On the other hand, all of her ex boyfriends despise her. I want her to think about that. Maybe that would give her a clue about who’s to blame in our failed relationship. I admit, it’s probably both our faults. But the blame can’t solely be put on me, as what she has been implicating.

Evidently it was over. Harsh words were said, and wounds were made that would take such a long time to heal. I didn’t feel regret. I felt that the woman I fell in love with had somehow died… this was a different person altogether. She said sorry after a few days. Though I did not reply immediately, I was no longer mad. I thought maybe we could at least be friends in the future. I was sure we can be civil to each other. I accepted the fact that we were just not meant to be. Two failed trials at a relationship--- that has got to mean something, right?

Then I found out what she has been busy doing. What the Heck was that apology about?! What the hell was that “SORRY” for?! All the while I’ve kept quiet, I didn’t talk about what happened even to my closest friends because I believed it was a private matter. And what about her? She has been telling people, up this present day I believe, lies that she’s mixing with several truths to make them believable. Half truths! For instance, she’s telling people I called her a bitch to her face. What I said was my friends call her a bitch, yet I still loved her. See the HUGE difference? Either she’s manipulative for changing what really happened, or she’s incredibly dumb not to see the difference. Now I call her a BITCH, so she doesn’t have to lie anymore. Although the term WITCH would be more appropriate. To make her act more believable, she’s crying while she’s telling her sob story. Someone give her an Oscar already. It’s so much easier for girls to gain sympathy. Whenever 2 people who are in a relationship fight, it's easier to think of the guy as the villain, because girls are perceived to be weak and mild, they can do no harm... while men are perceived to be strong and more aggressive. Even if it's the woman's fault, many people judge the guy before hearing the whole story. A lot of women are aware of this, and they use it to their advantage. And let's not forget the effect of a woman's tears. Just shed a tear and everyone will be there for you, no matter what gibberish you have been saying. This is a sort of an illness for her. Even before, she kept on telling people about our problems and arguments, even those she’s not close to. Many times I hear about her problems with me through certain people that she’s confided in--- and there are a lot of them. And many aren’t even close to her! They tell me they were surprised she told them those things. But when I asked her about her issues with me, she usually said it’s not a problem at all, she’s dealing with it. Now who doesn’t know how to communicate properly? She keeps on telling others that it’s me who can’t communicate properly, when she’s guilty of the very same thing! Even though her habit of ANNOUNCING our problems to such a huge audience pissed me off most of the time--- it’s embarrassing after all to have all these people knowing about your private affairs, I’ve learned to live with it. I’ve accepted it as one of her faults that I should learn to live with. And besides, it was partly okay then, because those were truths after all. But this time it was so much different. This time she has been spreading lies. For what goal? To ruin my reputation?! How can you do something like that to someone you’ve once loved? Maybe, despite her telling me so frequently that she loved me, she never really loved me at all. It wasn’t really love she felt, it was some other feeling that she mistook for love. A lot of those who've heard my side of the whole story (directly from me, or from some of my trusted friends) have told me that it looks like I was never really loved. I might have been used. And though it hurts, some have even said I've always played second fiddle to her ex. I really bought the illusion that she LOVED [sic! sic! sic!] me because I've been hearing her say that word so frequently.

A lot of people believed her, mostly people I’m not close to. And her close friends, even though they know me, are too stupid to think for themselves so they believed her outright. Or maybe they DO have a brain under their thick skulls, they’re just blindly loyal so they forget to use those neurons. I was particularly upset because I was close to one of her friends. I can’t expect her to take my side, but for the sake of our friendship, she should’ve at least heard my side of the story first before passing judgment on me… before she took sides. I would’ve wanted her to try and fix things and be our mediator, which you would expect when two of your friends are the ones who are at odds. Heck, i would’ve been happy if she at least stayed neutral… but I suppose not all people can do that. I really don’t understand how some people can’t keep themselves from private affairs. Even if they’re really close to one of the parties involved, wouldn’t it be better to keep a “hands off” approach? No matter how close you are to a certain person, you can never know what he or she is like in a relationship unless you’ve actually been in a relationship with him or her. A great friend can be a horrible girlfriend or boyfriend, so you can’t just judge the other person because you can never know what it’s like to be in his or her shoes. As for her other blindly loyal friend? I actually don’t give a shit. I was never close to her, and I never really liked her. She seemed to think she’s so cool, when she’s actually a big fat stupid loser. As if she’s on an alternate universe. If both of them only kept themselves from private affairs and tried to fix up their own lives, they probably won’t give birth to children out of wedlock. Am I being too harsh? Truth is, I think I’m being too nice.

I’ve been calling those who bought her story outright STUPID. But I guess I was the most stupid person of all… for ever falling for her. Could anyone be any more stupid than that?

Now, many people are mad at me, because of things that I’ve SUPPOSEDLY done. At least a lot of people didn’t believe her also. My closest friends took her every word with a grain of salt. And even those people whom I’m not close to, but know the things she had done before. There was this incident wherein this guy was acting like some sort of a stalker. He kept on courting her even though she rejected him already. Because she had a boyfriend then. Then again, maybe her real reason was she didn’t find him attractive. After all, having a boyfriend didn't stop her from playing those games with me. The guy actually stopped courting her in a formal manner, but he kept on doing nice things to her which gave the impression that he still was courting her. To make long story short, the guy eventually got pissed with all her rude rejections and accusations, and sent her an email, which practically called her trash... and also implied that she’s a slut, with the way she’s behaving at parties yet acts like some conservative prim and proper female in class. She then printed the email and showed it to every single person she encountered. I bet even strangers. Practically everyone in class read the email, including me even though we barely spoke at that time. I thought she was right then because I was still infatuated [sic!] with her. But looking back--- there are more humane ways to reject a guy. And I think the fight between them is a private affair, she shouldn’t have made it public. It would be all right to seek advice from a few close friends, but to involve the whole class is just plain wrong. I guess a lot of people thought the same way as I’m thinking now. Apparently, the guy has many friends. Her plan backfired. All the while she thought she was ruining the guy’s reputation, but in reality she was ruining hers. A lot of people thought what she did was horrible. And that’s how a lot of people began referring to her as the evil bitch from hell. I guess what she’s doing to me now is the same thing. If I believed in karma, I would believe that one of these days, what she has been doing would also backfire on her. I’ve been a fool, and it looks like there are going to be more fools. Many are still attracted to her sweet, conservative, mild mannered exterior, unaware of the wolf beneath. There will be more victims. Hopefully, before that happens, karma would strike.

Many have said that I still love her because I’m still so mad at her. I couldn’t allow anyone to affect me this way if I still didn’t have feelings for her. Yadda yadda yadda. Blah blah blah. I believe some of those psychoanalytical stuff, but in this case, what those people have been saying is a big pile of psychoanalytical crap. I have no love for her. Just plain hatred. So enough of this Love equals hate, and hate equals love, what you say is the opposite of what you feel bullshit. Maybe the only connection is--- because I loved her so much, it hurts so much knowing the things that she’s done to me. Any bad thing done by any other person would be negligible, but in her case, it is amplified a million times because I’ve loved her so much. So the resulting hate is proportional to that. But now, there’s no love left, I’m so sure of that. I’ve even had dreams months back of torturing her and inflicting so much pain on her. I’m no sadomasochist, so there’s no love in that. Purely hatred, As distinct as black from white, no in betweens, no gray areas. I was so preoccupied with those things a few months back, that every time I went outside, I would imagine seeing her, then I’d think of ways to hurt her. Every time I saw a long haired girl, I was filled with delight that it could be her and I could hurt her …only to be disappointed when I’d realize it wasn’t her after all. Geez, a few months back, I was in the verge of madness--- hence the title of this blog, which I never bothered to change. I was on a JOURNEY TO INSANITY. I would’ve gone to the loony bin if I didn’t learn to control my impulses.

So now I’m okay, Now I’m stable. Now I’m highly functional. Time can heal wounds after all. I’m capable of being happy, as long as no one mentions her name. As long as I don’t see her face. As long as I don’t see her smirk. As long as I don’t see her smile.

I’ve already done this blog, translating my feelings into actual text…. And it’s an extremely lengthy text. So did this help? Did it make me feel better? Have I released the anger and hatred from my body, now that I’ve translated my emotions into actual words?


Not really.


I still want to strangle her.