Movie Review: The Dark Knight

"Holy fuckin' shit, Batman. The Dark Knight really lived up to the hype!"

Man. I can count the number of times I've been this blown away after watching a movie with the fingers on one hand. The first time was when I saw American Beauty nine years ago. I felt the same way after watching Frailty, Memento, Batman Begins, and now--- The Dark Knight.

Fine... call me extremely BIASED. Because I'm such a huge Batman fanboy. Add the fact that I'm also a huge fan of Christopher Nolan. Alright, the film isn't perfect. The transition on some scenes doesn't flow so smoothly, and if you have short attention span you might find several scenes confusing, dull, or even boring. For action fans, the fight scenes aren't really that intense--- the camera is way too close for you to appreciate the action. For the ultra conservative, okay... the film may be too violent for a PG rated motion picture. For those with nyctophobia, yeah--- some scenes are way too dark. And for the ultra fanboys--- yeah, the movie isn't 100% faithful to the source material. But I never said the film was perfect. A movie doesn't have to be perfect for it to be considered excellent. A movie based on a comic book doesn't have to be 100% faithful to be considered spectacular. For once, a movie did live up to all that hype--- something I didn't expect since I was way too psyched to watch this film, my excitement level practically reached high heavens. I firmly believe that anyone who'll say that this movie is awful aren't capable of distinguishing great movies from crappy movies. There's so much going on onscreen, one viewing may not be enough to really appreciate it. There are a lot of symbolisms and allusions, you'd still be thinking about the things you have seen hours after watching the movie. Clearly, this in not JUST a comic book movie, it's so much more. The word EPIC seems to be an inappropriate word to describe a comic book movie, but in this case, no other word seems to be more fitting.

Definitely 5 stars out of 5!... wait a minute...

make that 10 stars out of 5! :)

Batman: Gotham Knight

Batman: Gotham Knight is the third direct to video release from Warner Premier, the first two being Superman: Doomsday and Justice League: The New Frontier. This film was heavily promoted as a bridge between Batman Begins and its impending sequel, The Dark Knight--- a transitional story of sort. Obviously, this is an attempt to cash in on the anticipation for the sequel's imminent release, very similar to The Animatrix, another direct to video animated film that was released when the Matrix fever was at its peak in 2003. But whereas The Animatrix was a genuine attempt to answer questions and tie up loose ends--- and it did accomplish those goals, Gotham Knight does none of that. The six animated shorts do not really seem to be related to the Batman universe that Christopher Nolan has created. They don't even tie up loose ends from the first movie. Another blatant example of false advertising at its finest. Bridge between Batman Begins and The Dark Knight my ass.

To really appreciate this film, one should take it for what it really is. It's not a transitional story made to bridge the gap between the two films. Granted, the events shown could have happened in the time period between the two movies, but the time line is so vague that the events could have happened at anytime during Batman's life... and since they don't actually contribute anything to enrich the storyline in the first movie, nor do they foreshadow events that would happen in the sequel, it's misleading to refer to this film as transitional. The six animated shorts are simply glimpses in the life of the title character. That doesn't make it bad. For one thing, the animation is top notch. Different teams were assigned to each chapter (featuring top anime creators from Japan!), and although each style is remarkably different from the other, not one chapter was haphazardly done. They created the perfect blend of Japanese and American styles of animation. It's pretty obvious that a lot of effort was made to deliver what we see onscreen. Top writers were recruited to create the storyline for each chapter. While this seemed like a perfect idea on paper, these writers seemed to find it difficult to tell a story that would make a lasting impression. With just 10-15 minutes allotted for each story, who could blame them? The whole film runs for only 76 minutes... it would have been better if they just made each episode longer. The short stories are self contained, and when taken individually, some are pretty boring, but the better chapters, namely chapters 4 and 6, more than make up for them. It's not perfect--- the Batman Animated series shown in the 90's featured more compelling stories, but I would say this is still an above average effort (unlike the previous animated video release from Warner Premiere). Every casual viewer would most probably find something to like. As for Batman fans, this film is enough to whet their appetites a bit before all hell breaks loose when The Dark Knight is released... and that's only 5 days away from today! WOO-HOO!!!

I Am Movie Critic

It's funny how we base our judgment on what we see initially, even before we have the opportunity to judge something in it's entirety. Nope this isn't going to be one of my incredibly pensive, overly somber and dramatic entries. I'm talking about movies! As I've mentioned before, one of my favorite past times when I'm bored is pretending to be a critic. LOL. It's that time of year again, and the Hollywood popcorn movie machine is now on overdrive.

Based on movie trailers I've seen this year, the summer movies that I said I was definitely going to see were Ironman, Hancock, and The Dark Knight. Wanted wasn't one of them. The Movie trailer just wasn't interesting enough--- it looked as boring as Wall-E. Also, the premise looked a little too similar to The Matrix. Even the title of the movie sounded very ordinary.... but because of good word of mouth, I decided to give this film a try--- and I'm very glad I did!

I haven't been blown away by the action scenes and special effects I see on screen ever since The Matrix. Yeah, there was Batman Begins--- but the action scenes in that movie were more straightforward, while the action scenes in Wanted were so slick and stylish--- for lack of a better term, that I couldn't help but stare. There are enough twists and unexpected events to keep you glued to the screen. There's even clever humor to let audiences take a breather from all that action.

There's a lot of action scenes, tons of explosions, tons of blood spilled, there are lots of casualties, and the film even has a killer soundtrack--- what more can you ask in an action movie? This is the best popcorn movie Hollywood has churned out this summer, and it's definitely the action movie to beat this year. 5 stars out of 5!

on the other hand...

I really wanted to see Hancock based on the trailers they've been showing, and I just watched the movie earlier today. Will Smith stars as a drunken, filthy, irresponsible person gifted with superpowers. That doesn't really fit the superhero profile, does it? With such a premise, Hancock had the huge potential to go beyond the usual summer blockbuster movie fare. It could have offered a glimpse inside the mind of a protagonist we're not accustomed to--- the anti-hero character, dissecting his thoughts, his aspirations, his motivations. It could have been an effective deconstruction of the superhero mythos that we've all grown familiar with--- that superheroes aren't perfect; when their powers are taken away, they're just like the rest of us, each with his own nuances, imperfections, idiosyncrasies. Heck, It could have been an in depth study into the human psyche. It did start out strong, and for the first third of the movie you'd think it would live up to that potential--- but somewhere along the way, it flounders. It seems as if the filmmakers didn't really know which direction to take, and it is very evident onscreen. In the end, instead of being extraordinary, Hancock is nothing but ordinary. 3 stars out of 5.

The Dark Knight is Upon Us

Here's the latest, and so far--- the best trailer for The Dark Knight (courtesy of Domino's Pizza! LOL). I can no longer quantify the amount of excitement I have for this movie. Early reviews describe the movie as phenomenal, and I hope my lofty expectations are met. Christopher Nolan has never let me down before, and I'm sure that once again, he's going to deliver. July 18 is almost here and I'm definitely going to be one of those people who are first in line at the IMAX theater! :D

No Such Thing As Quality

Don't they build things that are meant to last these days?! A few months ago I was complaining about the power windows of my now demised Honda Civic, which were malfunctioning just a few months after it was purchased. And now, after just two months, there's something wrong with my Toyota Altis! The radio, which is very essential to me--- it keeps me awake when I'm sleepy, It helps me release tension when I'm pissed, it plays songs that I could sing along with when I'm bored... is malfunctioning! A month after using the car, I noticed that the radio changed radio stations when I turn the steering wheel too hard. I figured there was a glitch in the electrical system, but since such an occurrence could be avoided, I just ignored it. The real problems started about a month ago. All of a sudden, the CD player would eject all CDs even when I'm not doing anything. At first I thought I just accidentally pressed the controls on the steering wheel, but then it happened again when my hands were off the wheel. It didn't happen for about week, so I dismissed it as an isolated glitch. But then it started doing the same thing again--- this time more frequently! And to make matters worse, sometimes the radio would suddenly turn itself off! Then this afternoon, i couldn't even turn the damn radio on! Argh!

Good thing the customer service of Toyota is prompt. They would replace the radio with no additional fee as soon as I bring the car to their service center. It's just so annoying when glitches happen in something that you've just purchased. Either they don't manufacture things like the way they did in the old days, or I'm just extremely unlucky when it comes to cars.

D.N.I., D.N.R.

Do not intubate, Do not resuscitate. Usually, we give relatives of critically ill patients a choice, whether to resuscitate the critically ill patient or not. We explain the patient's case thoroughly, and when we believe that there is no more hope for the patient to get well, we inform the relatives of this option. People have different reasons for not wanting to resuscitate their relatives. Most people say that they do not want their loved ones to experience any more pain and suffering, especially if the illness has been chronic. Their loved one has already gone through enough. I believe others base their decision on their finances... though they do no admit it. I believe most of them really do care for their relatives and they want us to keep trying even when all hope is lost--- they just couldn't afford it. But I get the feeling that some are relieved when we bring up this option--- relieved that their bank accounts could finally take a breather. Whether or not they truly cared for their patient is beyond my perception. I understand how someone could choose not to resuscitate a person they loved deeply when resuscitation could offer nothing more than to prolong the inevitable, and simply result to broken ribs in the process. When all is lost, the best option at times is to let go.

But what if resuscitation can clearly save a patient's life? I understand patients who refuse to give consent--- after all, intubation seems to be a very uncomfortable, even painful procedure. If I was conscious, I doubt if I would give consent myself. But when the patient cannot decide on his own, whether conscious or unconscious, I can't understand how their guardians choose not to resuscitate even when we explain the benefits to them. Why bring these patients to the hospital when they refuse to allow us to perform the appropriate management? At times I'm tempted not to follow protocol and just pretend that the patient has no guardians or relatives so that I could do whatever I must do to try and save a person's life. I couldn't understand the relatives of this one patient who could still speak, who could still walk, who is still capable of emotions--- and yet his relatives ask us outright if they could already sign the form that says that we shouldn't resuscitate the patient in the event that he goes into arrest. I guess I'll never understand why some people behave the way they do.

Last week, another patient came in with difficulty of breathing. Breast Cancer Stage IV, with pleural effusion. Thoracentesis and closed tube thoracostomy done several times. The disease was no longer curable, patient was discharged from where I used to work a week prior, and was told to just let the patient spend the last few days of her life at home with her loved ones. Right off the bat, the patient said she did not want to be intubated. She did not want to have needles injected either, and inserting a chest tube was definitely out of the question. She was quite delirious, screaming and gasping for breath, yet asking for soup, which would definitely quickly ended her misery if her request was heeded. We turned to the relatives, and they said the same thing. They did not want to have any resuscitative measures done, because the patient did not want to. I wouldn't call it ignorance because we kept on explaining everything to them in simple, clear layman's terms. It would be harsh to chalk one up for stupidity, but I could think of any appropriate term. Maybe stubbornness. Maybe weariness. Maybe surrender. There she was, screaming and gasping for breath, and we couldn't do anything--- except watch her slowly die. A few hours later, she finally succumbed to pulmonary arrest---- just when her relatives decided to just bring her home. Maybe we should've just let her have her soup--- at least she would've died with some sense of satisfaction, her last request granted.

I've always thought that I was already numb to the idea of death, having witnessed a number of deaths each day that I am working at the hospital. One patient died, no big deal, just move on to the next. But on that moment, I couldn't help but feel sad. I knew that our hands were tied and it wasn't our fault, but I couldn't help but feel guilty. Maybe we should've tried convincing them more, maybe we should have tried harder. Maybe we should've thrown protocol aside and just pretended that we did not need their consent. Foregoing consent may be deemed unethical--- ignoring the patient's rights, physicians playing God, imposing on others what they believe is best... but for me, the sin of omission seems just as unethical... even more so.

But what do I know? I'm just a hospital employee carrying out orders, following protocol, in a line of work where having a conscience is a sign of weakness. With all the pain, death, and suffering we face each day in our working environment, letting emotions overwhelm you could only lead you to the brink of your own sanity.

Two Sides of The Trade

Last week, a good friend of mine asked me if I was on duty. It was my day off from work, and I was just surfing the net at home, so I told him I was just at home doing nothing important. He asked me if I wanted to go out, he was having problems with his work--- at a crossroad, so to speak. Plus, his love life, which seemed cloyingly warm and sunny a few weeks back, suddenly fell apart. He wanted to talk, maybe over a few rounds of beer. As we were driving around looking for a place to hang out, we ended up at the part of the city where there were so called health clubs and massage parlors left and right. He then asked me if I was in the mood for something that wasn't so wholesome. I immediately knew what he was talking about. Although I've never been inside one of those places, I'm aware that most of those establishments are just fronts for prostitution. Health club my ass. I know there are extra services rendered after a so-so massage. It's been a while since I last got laid, and since I've never been inside one of those places, I figured--- what the heck. I'd chalk one up for experience.

We went inside the first health club. The interiors were classy enough, you'd really think it was a legitimate spa. Along with a couple of other men, we were led towards a room with a viewing window--- not much different from those viewing rooms you see on cop shows on TV, where suspects line up and you'd be asked to identify the culprit. When the curtains were drawn, a number of women, all smiles and fully made up, wearing clothing that left very little to the imagination, each one with a number on the upper portions of their clothing, were seated side by side. Unlike the other men in the room, I didn't feel excitement. Yeah, I was quite horny as we were led to the viewing room, but when the curtains were drawn, I felt a sudden wave of sadness and guilt come over me. I'm not a newbie in the flesh trade--- heck, I'm not what you can call a beginner, since I've been engaging in the very risky practice of picking up random women (who are obviously in the flesh trade) in the streets occasionally, for several years now. But the experience in the "health club" was very different. For one thing, it wasn't a one on one transaction, wherein you immediately get down to business because terms were already understood. A lot of people were involved that time. There was the manager of the place, along with usherettes giving out recommendations. There were also other patrons in the room, choosing the right girl to render services to them. I've never seen women treated that way, where they were lined up as commodities, like meat or vegetables that you buy in the market. Life must be really difficult for those women to resort to such work. They were all wearing smiles, trying to look as enticing as possible to would be customers that they can't see through the one way mirror--- but those smiles were obviously not genuine. Those smiles can't hide the desperation and sadness you see in their eyes. they were obviously forced by circumstances into a job that they didn't want to be doing in the first place. I know exactly how they are feeling. My friend didn't find anyone he liked, so we left. I immediately felt a sense of relief when we got out of the building.

I was no longer in the mood, but obviously my friend wasn't. He had a lot of problems, and if that was the way to relieve some of the stress that he was feeling, then I should be there to support him. We stopped by three other health clubs before we found girls that we found attractive. We were led to separate rooms, and I waited for the girl I picked--- some half Asian- half Australian, who was referred to as Number 34. When she entered the room, the smile was gone, all that I saw in her face were her real emotions. Mostly apathy, with a hint of misery, as if saying "let's just get this done with immediately so that we can move on..." It was my first time, so I asked questions. She didn't seem surprised, saying I looked too young to be frequenting places like that--- most of her customers were dirty old men, although there's the occasional 21 year old like me (LOL!) who's looking for his first sexual experience. I almost laughed. I played innocent, and I asked her if all of them gave sexual services, and if so, doesn't that make them prostitutes? She admitted that pointblank--- what else would they be doing there? She's not really a masseuse---- but if I wanted a massage she could give me one. If I didn't want her other services it would have been fine with her, she'll just leave and I could stay in the room until my time was up. Obviously she was in no mood to talk about her life, which I assume to be riddled with anecdotes on poverty based on the sporadic answers she was giving me. I really wasn't in the mood for sex that time--- her indifference clearly wasn't helping either. i told her to just give me a massage, then we'll talk about where we'll go from there.

That was the most. pathetic. massage. ever. At least she was truthful from the very start--- she really wasn't a masseuse. I told her to give me a hard massage since I'm just tickled when being given a soft massage. She was basically just rubbing ointment all over me, with no pressure at all. Jeez, we weren't at a beach and I wasn't asking her to rub sunblock on me. When I told her to put some pressure, I felt as if she was deliberately tickling me. Apparently she found my stifled laughter weird since she gave me a certain look. Great, now the mood was definitely a hundred percent gone. Afterwards, she asked me if I wanted anything else. Seeing that I still had 30 minutes to spare, I asked her if she really wanted to do those extra services, because her face clearly shows that she doesn't want to... and I wouldn't force anyone to do anything they don't want. It would be okay for me to just take a nap. She said that although a part of her doesn't want to, another part of her wants to because she really needs the money. The amount I paid on the front desk doesn't go to her, but for the extra services, all the money I pay her goes directly to her, she doesn't have to give a part of it to the establishment. Although the mood was lost, my sense of charity wasn't. And although she didn't say it outright, I felt that she was hoping that I would say yes.

And so we did it. It wasn't great, and although her stinky pussy (which was one of the stinkiest my olfactory nerves have ever been exposed to) nearly ruined it, i would say it was satisfactory. And I finally saw a genuine smile as I gave her the money. I had to wait outside for a few minutes since my friend was taking his sweet time. I sat at the couch on the foyer area, and I saw more gentlemen coming in, taking their pick. Once again, I was overcome with pity.

Fast forward three days. My grandmother's health was becoming problematic again. It's bad enough that I'm in a line of work that I don't really want to be in--- but I could treat that as simply WORK. Things that I HAVE to do for MONEY, and thankfully I could isolate work from the other aspects of my life. But to do the same WORK at home where I should be free from the stress of work--- that can really get on my nerves at times, especially since the whole family relies on me, saying I'm the doctor in the family. It doesn't matter if i absolutely detest everything about internal medicine, it doesn't matter if I'm not really an expert in that field and that I might be making the wrong decisions, that I might not be treating her properly... to them, I'm a doctor. period. I should be able to manage her case well. I love my grandmother, but at times like that when her numerous health problems crop up, the pressure I'm feeling get so high, I feel as if I'm going to explode.

I had plans that night, which I obviously had to postpone or maybe cancel since I was the only one at home who can drive her to the hospital in case things turned from bad to worse. Thankfully my dad got home just before midnight and I was able to leave--- of course a bit of scolding came with it, saying I don't care about anyone else but myself yadda yadda yadda.... but I was able to leave! On the way home I decided to drive around since I wasn't sleepy yet. As I turned on one corner--- whoa, what was that? A scantily clad female was smiling at me... although she obviously can't see me through the tinted windows of my car. Ah, now that's the type of flesh trade that I'm accustomed to. I drove away, but then I thought of making another round, and she was still there. I thought I should drive away and just go home, she wasn't even that attractive in the first place. Just when I thought that my rational side had already won, i started thinking with my dick again instead of my head. I made another round and she was no longer there. I said thank God, but then she popped out of nowhere. I drove away again, then drove back. There she was, very plain looking yet somehow inexplicably attractive to my dick, now walking towards my car. I unlocked the door on the passenger's side, said hello, and immediately laid down the terms.

Fast forward 15 minutes. Seedy hotel with the smell of cigarettes and mothballs. Paid at the front desk. Went back to the room. Five minutes and we were done. That was fast. It was a long night and I was beat. I fell asleep. Woke up after an hour. She was no longer there. That dirty average looking slut was no longer there. Still a bit dazed as I went to the bathroom... what I saw as I went back to the bed completely woke me up. It shook me back to my senses. My bag was open. I checked my bag and I was relieved. I laughed out loud when I saw that my ipod, camera, and PSP where still beneath my gym clothes. The bitch wasn't smart enough to check. My wallet was still at the dresser--- only spare change were there, of course she wouldn't take it. Then I remembered another prized possession. I checked my bag again, on the side pocket this time, and as I expected--- it was gone. My cellphone was gone! That good for nothing bitch! I told myself I must be dreaming, but it was very, very real! Yeah, it was a crappy phone, but it would take a month's salary to replace that phone... and I'm not actually swimming in cash these days! There were also some private pictures and videos in there, some with sentimental value that I haven't made back up copies of! That's what I get for thinking with my dick! i swear if I see that good for nothing asshole on the streets I would run her over! If I bump into her anytime in the future I would completely beat her up! I know times are hard and some people would resort to stealing when the opportunity arises---- but I gave her my trust! I hate it when people betray my trust!If she just told me she needed the money and if she gave me a valid reason I would have given her more out of pity! But how could I give these poor people pity when they betray the trust that we give them! I hope to see her again in the near future so that I could STRANGLE her! Fuckin' bitch! Good for nothing filthy whore!!!!! >:O


*****

If there's one good thing that came out of this---- I would think thrice before picking up some random slut in the streets again. And hey, if I really have to nitpick and look for something positive that came out of this situation--- I've managed to get rid of the crappy phone I was complaining about a few weeks ago.

An Incredible Feat

I'm not part of the overwhelming majority who thought that the first Hulk movie sucked big time. In fact, I liked the whole Greek tragedy allusions and I didn't think it was overly dramatic. But of course, that was not the Hulk movie people wanted. Both fans and casual movie audiences expected an all out action movie with lots of destruction. No one wanted a Hulk movie that would be better suited for the art house film crowd. Four short years later, Universal pictures released this reboot. At first, I didn't want to see this movie. First of all, the trailer--- which was supposed to show the best scenes in order to attract audiences, did not interest me. The film looked pretty boring for an action film. Regarding special effects, The hulk still looked incredibly fake, even with all the advancements in digital technology. I thought they just wasted the acting talents of the cast. But after reading the reviews in the Internet which were mostly positive, and since I'm a sucker for films based on comic books, I decided to give this film a try. It's not perfect, but it's the Hulk movie people have clamored for in the first place. Action packed, fast paced, and with lots of destruction, you'd end up asking for more. At frist i thought Ed Norton didn't fit the part, but then I realized that Bruce Banner was meant to look geeky, unlike Eric Bana who looks like someone who can already beat you up pre-transformation. hehe. The effects weren't really that bad--- you would get used to the Hulk as he blends with reality. It's not as good as Ironman, and I doubt if it will even be half as good as The Dark Knight, but comic book fans would still be pleased, and action fans wouldn't come out of the movie theater disappointed this time. 3 1/2 stars out of 5. :)

No to Nokia

The brand Nokia used to be synonymous with quality. That was years ago, when cellular phones weren't that sophisticated. A few years ago, after I bought a Sony Ericsson phone, I swore I would never go back to Nokia. Not only were their phone models sturdier, there were also less bugs in the software. Plus all of their high end phones actually had all the features you need in one model. A music player, a camera, an FM tuner, a basic web browser... I used to wonder why Nokia used to separate those features when it was possibly to offer all those features in one cell phone model.

Last March, I realized that it was time to buy a new cellphone since my phone already looked very worn out--- i've been using it for more than three years after all. Since I was very pleased with my old phone, I checked out the Sony Ericsson website and browsed through their latest phone models. What I was really looking for was a model with an excellent camera since I like taking random pictures every now and then, but the phones that had good cameras didn't look aesthetically pleasing... in fact, some of them looked downright weird. About the same time, Nokia was advertising their N82 model. At first I ignored all those ads, but out of curiosity, I searched the net to check out its features. It also had a 5 megapixel camera which was great... but what surprised me was the fact that it was loaded with features! Aside from the usual web browser, fm tuner, music and video player, it came with wifi! it also came with GPS! WOW! And aesthetically speaking, the phone didn't look bad at all. I guess all those features blinded me, because after a few days I threw all caution to the wind and purchased a Nokia N82.

When I first held it, I immediately thought of one thing--- Fisher Price. I thought the phone felt too plasticky --- it would probably break if I held it too tight. It really felt like a toy. What the heck, i thought. I'd just take care of it since I'm very careful with my gadgets anyway. Besides, I was very satisfied with the camera. But after just a few days, there were scratches all over, even on the screen!--- Even though the phone was usually just on my pocket with nothing else, except maybe a handkerchief. I have to admit, A lot of those applications were really useful like the document viewer, but the software was painfully sloooooooow. It takes several seconds to open a single text message, and I won't even get started on my web browsing experience. even with a good connection, it takes ages to move back and forth through web pages I've visited. The default web browser wasn't any good, I had to download a third party web browser. There's also a lot of bugs--- some are negligible, but there were many times that I felt like throwing the damn thing out of frustration. The phone would suddenly hang, or spontaneously reset. I couldn't delete messages because text message memory is full?! What the fuck is that?! Clearly, Nokia still hasn't gotten the whole software development thing figured out.

I knew better, and yet I've made the mistake of giving Nokia phones another shot. I thought it was safe to assume that they've mastered the art of manufacturing next generation cellphones by now. So much for giving second chances. It's not really a bad phone... I have to say that it's above average, but there are a lot of better options out in the market today. I should have just waited for the 3G capable iphone which will be out later this year. Packed with a zillion features, with an SRP of $199 for the 8GB model, it's practically a steal.

Natural Bliss

If someone would ask me if I ever feel genuinely happy, I would say yes. I'm genuinely happy when I'm drunk. The alcohol blurs out all worries, erases all problems temporarily, that I am overcome with such joy. The happiness that I feel may be unnatural, the happiness I feel may be unreal, but during those moments, I could truthfully say that I am happy.

Do I ever feel happy without the aid of chemicals in my system? Yeah, I do. I'd usually say I am genuinely happy when I'm at the beach--- such a simple answer, some might even say shallow, but it's true. What can I say, I'm a beach person. :) Every time I see the untouched beauty of nature, I could simply sit down for hours, admiring the view, awed by the splendor right before my eyes, appreciating the peace and quite that seem to be a luxury these days, doing nothing else... and I can still truthfully say I am happy--- genuinely and naturally. :)

*pictures were taken during my camping trip with friends last week. Just like that old Mastercard ad... cell phone to call friends: $___. pda to beam friends: $___. internet set up to IM friends: $___... actually being with friends: priceless :)

Omission

It started out like any normal day in the emergency room. Nothing out of the ordinary. Managing patients left and right. Writing down orders. The occasional cardiopulmonary arrests break down the monotony. Then someone came up to me, his face vaguely familiar. Was he a patient on follow up? He spoke some words that at first i could not understand. He seemed really upset, even angry. It took me a few more seconds to realize that he was blaming me for something...

He said his brother, a patient that I managed in the emergency room, died two days after being discharged from our hospital. And he was blaming ME for his death. Saying that we did not attend to his brother, that we basically just ignored them, that's why they were forced to leave--- because apparently staying at our hospital would bring them nowhere. That's his version of the story. I took me a while longer to remember his brother's case. With the number of patients we see everyday, faces have this tendency to blur.

They sought consult because of a carbuncle on his right buttock. It gave him great discomfort because it was very painful every time he tried to sit down. At first we directed them to the outpatient department because clearly such cases aren't managed at the emergency room. But since he looked weak, we decided to give him some primary treatment. Upon closer inspection, the patient was febrile, and he had yellowish sclerae. He was probably septic. The carbuncle, his primary complaint, was probably the result of a system wide infection. But since there were very limited ancillary procedures available in the God forsaken hospital where i am employed, I couldn't really pinpoint where the source of infection was. Empirical treatment seemed to be the only option, as always. But since the antibiotics of choice were not available in the hospital, we had to ask the relative to purchase the antibiotics in one of the drugstores outside. That's the first stumbling block that we couldn't seem to hurdle. The money they brought with them weren't enough to purchase the medications. If only the medications were available, then they could just opt to pay for the meds prior to discharge from the hospital. Sadly, such a scenario remains to be a dream in most government hospitals.

The second stumbling block--- the patient can't be admitted because there's no room available. Because he was septic, it was not advisable fro him to stay and wait at the emergency room when there's no certainty as to when he would be admitted. In the emergency room, patients with various infectious diseases are placed side by side. Prolonging his stay in the emergency room would only worsen his condition. We had no choice but to advise them to transfer to another hospital where adequate treatment would be given. I was about to explain this to them, when the patient's brother told me that they decided to go home instead, because they would be leaving for the province the very next day. I told them that it was not advisable to go home. And he was definitely not in the condition to travel. I specifically told them that they should transfer to another hospital. I thoroughly explained his brother's case, but they were stubborn. They said they already purchased tickets for the trip, and they have to back to the province the next day. They would just seek consult at the provincial hospital. I told them that if they would insist on what they want, they should sign a waiver that they want to be discharged against medical advise. They agreed. It was against hospital policy to give a referral form when patients decide to go home against medical advise, but I gave them a referral form that they could show to another doctor when they decide to seek medical consult. The patients vital signs were stable, and though he was weak, he could still walk. I signed the discharge papers saying it was okay for them to go. That was two weeks ago.

And then the patients brother suddenly showed up, accusing me of negligence. Accusing us of being numb. Saying things like just because they are poor we didn't give them the necessary treatment, making the whole thing case of oppression, a clash between socio economic classes. What did they expect us to do? Shell out money to but the medications outside? If we did that to one patient, shouldn't we be doing the the same thing to each and everyone of them? If I had enough money, maybe I would have done that out of pity, but I certainly didn't have enough money to buy medications. Just because we are doctors doesn't make us martyrs. Sure, we could be martyrs if we wanted to, and I have been a martyr several times in the past. But in reality, doctors couldn't afford to always be martyrs. Majority of doctors can't afford to be martyrs at all. And it's not like I gave them faulty advise. I kept on reiterating that they must transfer to another hospital, they should not go home. I explained the possible consequences. I kept on explaining this to the patient's brother and he can't seem to understand. It even seemed as if he suddenly had selective amnesia, completely forgetting the preliminary treatment that we gave, forgetting the fact that i was persuading them to transfer to another institution, completely forgetting the fact that it was THEIR choice to leave. I kept on explaining and yet it couldn't get through his thick skull. He kept of blabbering the same things, keep on sputtering those accusing words, and my patience was slowly running out. I decided to look at the other patients before I said anything I would probably regret later on. I could still see him at the corner of my eye, just standing there, as if waiting for something. I had no idea how long he was waiting. I just realized that after some time, he finally left.

I know i did what was needed to be done. I managed his patient properly. I know I wasn't negligent. I am not guilty of the sin of omission... but why do I feel a tinge of guilt? A few hours after he left, when the work load became benign, my conscience started bothering me. Did I do something wrong? Was there something more I could have done? Maybe all I felt was empathy that I've mistaken for guilt. I could feel the deep sadness as I looked into his eyes. I could feel his pain. I could feel his loss. I could also feel his frustration... hopelessness... futility... anger. Anger brought about by loss. Misplaced anger brought about by a lack of understanding. And with the amount of anger that I also saw through his eyes--- even an innocent man would probably feel guilty with such a hateful gaze directed towards him.

Cashing In On Nostalgia

I'm referring to the latest Indiana Jones flick.

The first time i heard about this movie, one question popped in my mind. Why on Earth would they create a sequel 19 years after the last movie has been shown? Other than the attempt to cash in on the power of nostalgia and say that this movie is "fan service", I can think of no other reason than to try and resurrect Harrison Ford's dimming career.

According to other reviews, this new Indiana Jones movie pales in comparison to the previous films. After watching the film, I guess I have to agree. I can't remember the plot of the first three movies, but I remember being thrilled watching them when I was a kid. That doesn't mean that it's a bad movie. When it come to summer blockbusters, I would say it's above average. There are a lot of exciting scenes, and I'd be hard pressed to think of a boring moment. The problem is, it never rises above the usual popcorn fare. Every scene seemed to have been done somewhere before, in one form or another. Instead of taking inspiration from actual historical events like in the previous movies, they resorted to something fictional this time around. The fact that the type of fiction they resorted to seemed to be better suited for an episode of the X-files isn't helping. Even if Indiana Jones was tops 2 decades ago, for today's generation--- people who aren't old enough to be affected by the power of nostalgia, it would only seem like another rip-off of The Mummy and National Treasure--- even if Indiana Jones pioneered those types of movies two decades ago.

Happy Feet

I'd hate to sound like some product endorser, but I just couldn't help it. I've never been this satisfied after purchasing footwear. :)

I used to think that no one looks at shoes that people are wearing. I don't notice what shoes people are wearing, unless those shoes are shoved directly at my face, or when I have to bend down and pick up something... and I thought most people are also like that. That's the reason why my shoes are usually old, dilapidated, and downright dirty. I thought shoes were the last part of one's wardrobe that people look at. So when I recently bought a pair of Sanuk sidewalk surfers, I was really surprised when almost every person I bumped into noticed the footwear that I was wearing--- and when I say notice, that's notice in a good way, and not a bad way! I didn't buy a pair just to look cool and fashionable--- I bought a pair because they were really comfortable. In fact, I could wear them for several days and my feet wouldn't hurt. And the best part? They're not really shoes, they're sandals in disguise! People don't usually notice that they're sandals, so I can actually wear them to work! hehe. All those people I ran into gave compliments, asking where they could buy a pair, saying how attractive the sandals shoes look, asking how much they cost etc. I didn't buy those sandals just so I can receive compliments, but I have to admit, it feels great knowing that you can actually wear something that looks good without sacrificing comfort. *cough* *cough* crocs *cough*

The name Sanuk means "Happy" in Thai, and no word could be more appropriate. My feet are happy indeed--- in more ways than one! :)

More Hospital Blues

Inefficiency resulting from rotten systems have always been my breaking point. Every time I encounter such problems, especially when such problems could have been easily avoided if certain practices are changed always make me lose my temper. That's one of the reasons why I hated my job last year, and one of the major reasons why I eventually decided to resign. That's the same reason why I may also decide to give up one of my jobs now.

I've ranted about how frustrating it is to work at the local hospital where I'm working now. In a span of a few weeks, things have gotten from bad to worse. Truth is, things have become incredibly pathetic. More laboratory exams that are essential for treatment are unavailable. We have to send blood specimens out to other hospitals and wait for results. Waiting often takes hours, which defeats the essence of emergency treatment. We don't even have means of measuring blood sugar levels anymore. We don't even have CBG strips! It was bad enough when the management made that smart decision that only laboratory personnel can use those CBG machines. CBG machines are essential for emergency treatment--- I have yet to hear of any other hospital wherein there's no CBG machine in the emergency room! Can you imagine having to wait for the lab personnel who is often busy extracting blood somewhere else in the hospital, when we could have already gotten the blood glucose level and administered the proper treatment in less than half the time if only CBG machines were available? On my previous tour of duty, they ran out of CBG strips! Diabetic patients in ketoacidosis were told to transfer to other hospitals because we couldn't do anything... we couldn't even stabilize their condition. Trauma patients have to be transferred because we don't even have the needs to dress their wounds. There are no sedatives to treat patients with frank seizures. There's an emergency cart, but it's mostly empty. The simple task of intubation can become next to impossible. They should just close the whole emergency department because we're not capable of treating any emergency case!

And as always, dealing with the department of obstetrics is the the most problematic. I still can't figure out why obstetric patients have to be managed in the emergency room, when in other hospitals, they go straight to the labor room, or they have a separate emergency room for ob-gyne patients! One patient came in at around 1 PM with a retained placenta. She gave birth at home at around 9 AM courtesy of a midwife, yet the family decided to bring her to a hospital four hours later when she was already hypotensive and gasping from all the blood loss. We couldn't just pull the placenta out without an emergency set up because it could result to more bleeding. To be safe, she should be managed by an obstretrician in the operating room. To complicate matters, she's a Jehovah's Witness--- you know, those people who would rather die than to undergo blood transfusion, because that's what their belief tells them. Good thing I'm an agnostic and therefore free from such religious stupidity and bullshit...So we had no choice but to keep on administering intravenous fluids to keep her blood pressure up. She was referred to the obstretrician on deck, who refused managing the patient because there was no room available and she did not have enough money to buy the required needs for operation. She told us to transfer the patient, which of course was out of the question since the patient was still unstable. More relatives came, they eventually got enough money, and they managed to get a room. So she was referred again. Then the consultant said she still can't accept the patient because the procedure (possible hysterectomy) cannot be done there because she MIGHT need certain instruments that MIGHT be unavailable . WTF?! It would have been easier to understand if she just told us outright that she was simply lazy and didn't want to go to the hospital on a Sunday afternoon!

When the patient's vital signs were a bit stable, we tried calling other hospitals that would accept her. As expected, no hospital would accept a hypotensive patient for transfer, especially if she is a Jehovah's fuckin' Witness and therefore CANNOT undergo transfusion. Last year, I had a patient with the same beliefs before, and I couldn't help but shout at all the relatives out of frustration. I shouted at them for being so stupid, for letting religious beliefs, teachings that someone else just handed out to them, cloud their common sense. I was torn between my duty to save a person's life and respecting their stupid religious beliefs. In the end I gave up. There's no use trying to save people who refuse to save themselves.

The Obgyne residents, most of whom are overflowing with pride and think they're superior to everyone else because they have finished residency training but still take jobs as residents because they have no private practice, are not making things easier. Is it too much trouble to go down and assess the patient, help us in their management when all they do upstairs is sleep? Where's that post graduate training that they're so proud of? As if Obstetrics is such a difficult field to specialize in. They keep on doing the same things again and again, it's actually considered a no brainer in the field of medicine. If we exchanged places with them, I bet we would have an easier job delivering those babies even without residency training, and I'm sure they wouldn't know what to do with all the patients coming in with heart attacks and brain hemorrhages. It took a call from the hospital director to get things done. They were probably afraid of the media frenzy that such a case would result to, because how the case was being managed was very unethical. After more than 6 hours, the patient was finally brought up to the labor room. The patient could be admitted after all, why did it have to take that long? Is it because the patient wasn't rich, and the consultant won't be getting a high professional fee for her services? Or was she simply lazy, and no monetary benefit could make her move that lazy ass of hers?

That wasn't the only problem we had with their department. After a few hours, a patient in preterm labor came in. There was no incubator available, so we advised her to transfer to another hospital. Then she came back after a few hours, because a consultant told her to go back because there was no other hospital that would admit her. She would just sign a waiver saying that she knows the consequences of preterm delivery without an incubator available. About the same time, another patient came in with admitting orders, she just had to complete the needs required. We informed both consultants that there was no room available. They said to just bring both patients to the labor room while they wait for an available room. That seemed simple enough--- BUT the hospital had this policy of not admitting patients if there's no room available, unless those pregnant patients came in with a fully dilated cervix, and therefore giving birth is imminent. So the charge nurse in the labor room refused to have the patients transferred from the ER, even when they already bought all the required supplies, even if the consultants were informed that there was no room available. They said that the patients should just return the things they bought and transfer to another hospital. Jesus Christ. One of those patients was already advised to transfer to another hospital. She was told to come back, only to be told to transfer again?! Was that some sort of joke? Did they think it was some sort of game? Good thing her consultant advised her to wait at the ER even though the environment is very unsterile. The other consultant told me to tell his patient to transfer. After monitoring her pregnancy regularly for months, he just decides to turn the patient away? Shouldn't he fight for his patient? Who cares if it's the hospital's policy not to bring up patients who are not yet admitted to the labor room? If for whatever reason he can't transfer the patient to another hospital where he's affiliated with--- He's a fuckin' consultant, he should find a way! A dictator didn't make those rules, those rules are not absolute and can therefore be bended! Instead he didn't even fight for his patient, he just agreed to what the charge nurse said. Jesus, that's the first time I've heard of a consultant who bowed down to the powers of a charge nurse.

I got really mad. I kept on shouting expletives. I was ready to punch that charge nurse in the face. There were empty beds in the labor room! If the patients were about to give birth, they would allow them inside the labor room anyway, even when they had no room available! What's the difference?! --- So what did I do? I didn't tell the patient to transfer. No way. I told her to wait, because when she's about to give birth, the have no choice but to admit her. i told her to file a lawsuit if she can. I told her to tell the media. I told her to tell the whole world about the great hospital she's in. Then maybe that would result to change. If they can't change, then maybe they might shut down the whole hospital. Frankly, I don't really care if that happens. A lot of people will lose their jobs, but those who are good at what they do can easily find work elsewhere. A hospital that is that fucked up shouldn't even be open in the first place.

At A Price

I have to admit, I wasn't too excited about having a Toyota Altis instead of another Honda Civic to replace the car that I wrecked a few months ago. At first glance, it's not as eye catching as the Civic. The Civic screams innovation and youth, while the Altis--- because of the very few changes made through the years, it looks a bit dated...truth be told, it looks like a family car, a car your dad would drive. The fact that Orlando Bloom is endorsing it--- the epitome of uncool and everything BLAH these days, definitely isn't helping (what the hell was Toyota thinking, getting him as an endorser?!). But when the car was delivered two days ago... WHOA. It didn't look too bad at all. It looked great actually. I just had to bring it out for a test drive ASAP. LOL. Although I miss the futuristic design of the Civic, with its digital odometer and all, the Altis actually packs a lot more features underneath its conservative design.

Yesterday, my grandmother said that we should bring the car to church and ask the parish priest to have it blessed... to make the car "accident proof". O---kay... as if dousing the car with holy water can make it accident proof. So we brought the car to church, because saying NO would only lead to a string of never ending arguments. As expected, we had to pay a HEFTY sum first, before the priest would bless the car... because nothing is FREE these days, not even religious services. So much for the virtue of charity. I managed to keep a straight face as various religious quotes were spoken, even as the priest turned to me and included me in his prayer and blessing... but my eyes nearly popped when even the interiors were doused with holy water. Never mind if the water was probably unclean and it would most probably stain the seat covers... apparently holy water couldn't damage the electronic components in the dashboard simply because it was miraculous and therefore defied the laws of matter.

Contrasting religious beliefs aside (or lack thereof), at least I have a new car. I can pretend to be a devout catholic for a new car. No big deal. Going to work wouldn't be such a chore again. Say goodbye to the hassles of public transport--- Overcrowded buses and trains, taxi drivers who refuse to take you to your desired destination because it's out of their way. Every good thing has several strings attached, we just have to determine whether or not the benefits outweigh all the undesirable things that come with it.Having a car of my own is great... but at what price? The very moment my dad gave me the car keys, he reminded me that application for residency WHERE I USED TO WORK starts in July. I was a fool to believe that the issue has been settled. My new car wasn't just a gift. It was a BRIBE.

Looking back at my entries this time last year, I begin to wonder... Am I ready to go through all that all over again? Do I even want to? Is having a new car worth giving up the contentment and relative happiness that I seem to have now?

Neutered

Where i used to work, I used to complain that there was a severe lack of essential supplies. We ran out of essential drugs. We ran out of intravenous fluids. Reagents for several essential laboratory exams are sporadic. The list goes on and on. And I always complained how the whole system sucks, how the whole system was so rotten.

I never thought that I had it so much better back then.

Frustration. I want to be able to do something... I want to help... but I just can't--- because certain circumstances wouldn't allow.

I've been working simultaneously in a private hospital and a public hospital for a few months now. I don't know which is more frustrating--- Not being able to treat patients because they couldn't afford the high fees that they have to cough up up front before they could be treated, or not being able to treat patients because you don't have the needs to properly attend to them.

The essential stuff are rarely available. We rarely have sterile gauzes available. We don't even have unsterile ones. Can you imagine the scenario when trauma patients come in profusely bleeding, and we have no gauze to apply on the wounds for immediate hemostasis? We have to ask their companions to buy supplies at the nearest drug store! The intravenous fluid of choice for trauma patients is also not available. And speaking of laboratory exams, one night there was none available. X-rays? Many times we couldn't even x-ray our patients because they ran out of films. Empirical treatment becomes the rule, we treat our patients even when we do not know what their ailments are exactly. The hospital where I used to work had a budget provided by the national government, hence they had more funds for supplies. Now I work for a hospital with funds provided by the local municipality only, hence the bare bones supplies--- and the word BARE is an understatement. I often wonder why they don't just close down the whole damn place if they couldn't provide adequate health care.

And speaking of rotten systems? Apparently I was wrong for thinking the the system in the place where I used to work was the most inefficient. I was wrong. Sure there's the whole bureaucracy, red tape, and occupational blackmail and threats rampant in any government institution... but everything is magnified in an institution with a lesser budget. I don't know how having lesser funds can lead to an increase in inefficiency when creating a system only entails effective communication between human beings. And it's not like those employees have a right to complain about their salaries, making their wages as excuses to slack off--- their salaries are actually at par with employees at other hospitals, even private ones. I could go on and on about how everything is inefficient, but what really pisses me of is the way the hospital handles OBgyne patients.

It is the only hospital that I know where Obgyne patients do not head straight to the Obgyne department for examination. They head straight to the emergency room together with medical, surgical, and pediatric patients. Patients with gynecological complaints are tolerable... but obstetric patients do not have a place in the emergency room! Why is that, you ask? It's fine when we only have to do initial examinations... but obstetric patients need continuous monitoring, something that we could not afford to do in the emergency room! For crying out loud, that's what labor rooms are for! Last week there was an incident when one obstetric patient had to wait at the emergency room for 2 whole hours while her husband was completing the needs for operation, because they have this STUPID policy that patients cannot be brought up to the labor room until they've bought all the needed supplies. That means that if the patient's cervix suddenly becomes fully dilated, she has to give birth at the ER. How stupid is that?! The emergency room also has no supplies available, wouldn't it be better if the patient gives birth in the operating room where the environment is sterile rather than giving birth at the ER since we have no supplies also?!

The end result, the baby was dead upon delivery. And the pediatric resident upstairs called us, saying that we were also partly to blame because we didn't monitor the fetal heart rate regularly. I was trying very hard to keep myself from shouting at her. We had so many patients that time, no one had the time to check on their patients regularly! Even the nurses had their hands full! That's why OB patients should be brought straight to the Labor room since there are people there who could check on them regularly! Let those patients wait for the required supplies there!

What takes the cake is how most of the Ob residents talk to ER residents as if they're already consultants. Granted, some are already finished with residency training, but at that hospital, they are still employed as residents making us equals. They have no right to act so superior and treat us like losers. They're already finished with residency yet they have to take jobs as residents because they have no patients in their private practice? They are the losers, not us! Some even call us, in the midst of the melee in the ER, scolding us about certain erroneous orders we've made. If they have a problem with the orders, they should just correct them themselves! The patients are already upstairs, they should be the ones to call the attending physicians! And don't they dare complain about their work load. We know how much work they are doing and we know they are just sleeping upstairs during the wee hours of the morning because all their patients have to go through us! We are lucky to get two hours of sleep because patients continuously arrive in the emergency room, even for the most stupid and unnecessary reasons! Sometimes I feel the urge to define the word EMERGENCY to each of these patients!

The whole system is typical for every public hospital, and the lack of supplies can make everyone conclude that it is a public hospital--- but that hospital seems to be more of a private hospital in the guise of public hospital. In truth, it is a death trap. Sure, there's a huge discount for the residents of the municipality, but that doesn't include ER consults. They even charge a huge amount for professional fees, even if we barely do anything. Drugs are even cheaper outside. The tetanus vaccine alone costs more than three times the amount sold in drug stores! That's highway robbery! What makes it worse is the fact that most of the patients seeking consult don't have much money to begin with, that's why they seek consult at a "public" hospital. It's like robbing from the poor, taking away what little they have left. And they are "imprisoned" in the waiting area until they could settle their bills, a practice that I thought was already illegal these days.

Many times I'm tempted to just pay for their needs, pay for a portion of their bills, give a little cash so I could help... but I've learned that such a practice opens up a can of worms. Once I start giving money to one patient, I have to give money to all the other patients because word gets around--- fast. Besides, I've been doing that practice for most of the past year, at times because I was forced and required to, but many times because i wanted to. It's about time I spend some of the money I earn for myself. Even if I wanted to help, the bills that they accumulate seem pretty high even for me. Gone are the days when I could spend half of my salary on one patient alone and not care at all afterwards. Before, my parents still gave me an allowance, this year I'm on my own. I couldn't afford to be as helpful and giving as I was back then.

After each tour of duty, I have time to reflect during the long ride home. You really do see how fucked up this country is just by looking at the health care system. In this country, health care is a privilege, not a right. The poor have no right to get sick, because when they do they have very little to turn to. When they get sick or when they have an accident, it's as if they're already counting the hours until their death. It's as if they already died. The government labels trivial matters as their priority. They are blind to the necessities. I can only imagine how detached they are, how insensitive they are to the needs of the very people that they are supposed to be serving.

Slackers

We've all known quite a few of them. Everywhere we go, they are present. Back in school, they're the parasites who copied your homework, who looked at your answers during examinations. They're not the ones who do it once or twice out of desperation. They're the ones who do so regularly, because they believe that exerting even a little effort is a waste of precious energy. Why do things the hard way, when there's an easier way? They don't mind moving forward at the expense of others.

I once thought such behavior stayed in schools... because people who lived through life that way have no place in a professional setting--- they would get left behind. When I was in residency, there were people who hardly exerted any effort, they don't do their work properly. Some get caught and get reprimanded. Some, however go unnoticed because they know who's strings to pull, their sweet words cover up their numerous shortcomings. Our superiors think they're doing a good job, when in truth they're doing a horrible job. I'm not saying I'm doing a perfect job... weariness and fatigue has caught up with me dozens of times. I too am guilty of several "disappearing acts" because I got too tired and i could hardly function properly. But some people make up certain excuses when in truth they're just taking a break for no valid reason, out having fun while their co workers are left with the tasks they've left behind. I've grown to hate such people who only think of themselves. As if the words "sorry" and "it won't happen again" would always work. People get numb to those words when said in habitual succession. As if saying sweet nothings and giving treats could make people forget. Their effects are also diminished when done habitually. I hate continuously covering for their asses. If they fucked up once or twice, it's fine. Exposing them wouldn't do much good. you'd be labeled as jealous, insecure, bitter... if they do such a good job of covering their shortcomings, you could even be labeled a liar.

You'd expect that as people mature, their work ethics would become better. Some people, however find it difficult to change. Such behavior has become completely entwined with their personality and total worth as a person. They're destined to be scums for life.

Just last week our schedule was thrown in disarray. Two people just suddenly backed out of work, even when they agreed to the schedule for the month of March. All of a sudden, we were two men short. That means we had to go on more duties. It's fine since we earn more money, but what if we already had plans for those days? The other guy even decided to go on a sudden vacation without warning. How unprofessional is that?! If they were planning on something, shouldn't they have said something when we were making our schedule last month to avoid sudden conflicts? If they thought the work was too much, shouldn't they at least finish the work they've agreed upon and just opt out next month, since we haven't set our April schedule yet? if they thought they didn't like the work, they never should have agreed in the first place. Never mind if they found it hard to say NO to the consultant who hired us. They should have told the truth that they didn't like to work there in the first place. That would have saved us a lot of trouble. And they still have the gall to smile, acting like chums, not even apologizing indirectly, as if they've caused no trouble at all. Can't they take a hint? Could they really be that dense?!

I guess I already know the answer. Sure they are dense. They may notice the hints we're giving, but they couldn't possibly care less.

A person would have to be really numb to keep on living his life as a slacker.

One Year Older

After what i referred to as my "worst birthday ever" last year, I was pretty sure my birthday this year would be better. After all, I'm not asking for much. i just want a day free from problems and hassles. That's not too much to ask for, right? I don't really care about the celebrating part. To have dinner with family and a few friends has become mandatory, so I just go with the flow--- my family believes there should be a gathering on birthdays, because another year in one's life is something we should be thankful for, therefore it should be celebrated with the people closest to one's heart.

When I checked the calendar a few weeks ago, i was surprised to see that my birthday fell on a holy week this year. On a Maundy Thursday to be exact. Bummer. So much for the drinking session I was hoping to have after dinner. I figured all bars would be closed. And even if there would be a bar open (probably owned by a non catholic), I figured most of my friends wouldn't like to be drinking on a holy thursday. It just isn't much fun drinking alone. Plus all those holy week traditions that I'm practically forced to do by my overly religious grandparents would probably put me in a bad mood.

But surprise, surprise! it didn't turn out bad. We found a restaurant that was open. And it had a bar! And even though some of my close friends weren't able to come--- can't get out of their family's holy week tradition was the number one excuse, the second being on duty at the hospital... the right people came. Although there were moments when this one girl became incredibly annoying that it almost ruined my evening, which she does every so often to the point that I already got used to it... I still keep on wondering to this day why we have been friends all these years despite her attributes that a lot of people (including me) have grown to despise. And that instance earlier in the evening when another explosive argument almost happened, when my dad kept insisting that I go to the church and pray for a few minutes just to say thanks, even when we were running late and it was the restaurant's policy to cancel reservations after a 20 minute waiting period... and that second on the brink of another heated argument for the night with him in the parking lot... But overall, it was a nice evening. Although I didn't get drunk to the point of ecstasy, I did get to drink. LOL. But most importantly, I got to reconnect with a few friends that I haven't seen for a while.

The worst part? When i got home. I checked my emails, and I received computer generated messages from several services that I subscribed to. Happy 28th birthday, they said. Woooooohoooooo. I suddenly felt old. Funny how just one digit can make that big difference. At 27 I still felt so young. At 28, I feel that I'm no longer young. When my dad was 28, he already had 4 kids. Heck, when my dad was 28, I was already 8 years old. In two short years, I'll be saying goodbye to my carefree years of being a 20-something. In just two short years, I'd look pathetic acting like the way I'm acting now. I need to start planning, I need to have some stability--- but how can I when my future is still clouded in uncertainty, when I still don't know which direction to take? Who wants to grow old anyway, when living a carefree life with little responsibility is so much easier? It's okay to live life with such a perspective as a young adult, but I can't really refer to myself as a young adult anymore. Never mind the fact that I still have no stable job, never mind the fact that I still live with my parents. I am getting old. Everyone gets older, it's inevitable. Living a carefree life as one approaches his thirties is shameful, if not downright pathetic. The journey through life is a journey we must continuously travel. There are no stop overs. Even when we grow weary, we have to move on. To think otherwise would be somewhat delusional. Unlike some people i know who refer to themselves as perennial 20 somethings, who chose to live a life with no worries and responsibilities, I feel that it's better to look down the road and plan for the rigorous journey ahead.

I guess it's about time I start acting my age.