Here's to Another Shitty Year

I hate days when i have to pretend to be thankful, when i have to pretend to be happy, when i have to pretend that everything is okay. Yup it's my birthday once again, and i'm hating every minute of it.


I hate it when people greet me a happy birthday. I know that they have the best intentions and that they mean no harm. it's customary to greet people on their birthday, it just sucks that i'm not most people and therefore they would not get the usual reaction from me. I hate because i have to respond with a half hearted thank you. I'm certainly not happy, so the exchange of greetings turn out to be so fake.


Why should i be thankful that i have reached another year in this life? nothing seems to turn out the way i planned it. Nothing seems to turn out the way that i would have wanted. To whom should i be thankful for? To my parents, for that unprotected intercourse they did eons ago which resulted to an unwanted pregnancy? should i be thankful to my mom for not going through an abortion even though the thought did go through her mind? frankly i wouldn't have mind if she went through with it. Then i wouldn't have to experience living through this stupid little life.


To whom should i be thankful for? Should i give thanks to god almighty, creator of heaven and earth? that is so laughable. Thank you for never giving me what i want. Back when i was such a devout catholic up to the point when my faith was starting to falter, you never listened. Now that i don't believe in you at all, nothing has changed. I still feel as if i'm talking to a brick wall. Back when i was so religious, i believed all the bullshit saying that you're just giving me trials to make me stronger, and you never give people trials that they can not overcome. now i know that's all hogwash. People say there is a god because of the unexplained order in the universe. My response? what fucking order???? if you know shit about science, most particles would not jive with each other, that's why chaos is more often seen in occurrence rather than order.... but if you mix particles the right way--- they would adhere to one another. there's that slim chance out of all the randomness. mix all the particles the right way, and it can create life, or create an environment conducive to life. you don't need the hand of a superior being for that. shit like that just happens by chance, not because some superior being planned it. wow, you're saying that out of nowhere, some superior being suddenly decided to create life, just snapped his fingers and voila, particles just started coming together in the right way. you guys must give me some of that shit you're smoking. that stuff must be pretty dank.


when good things happen to us, it's god's blessings and we should thank him. if bad things happen to us, hey it's just god giving us trials, and no matter how bad it is, even if our whole family were massacred, even if a nuclear bomb was dropped on out country, hey God never gives us trials we can't overcome. these trials would make us stronger! if bad things happen to good people, those are trials. If bad things happen to bad people, god is punishing them. if good things happen to good people, they are rewarded. if good things happen to bad people.... well, just wait a while. karma's a bitch and they'll never know what hit them. whatever happens, basically it's god's will. those religious nutjobs are basically saying that we can't control anything because everything that happens to us is god's will. can't they see the randomness of it all? where's the order in that? I know an overly religious woman who lost her family in a natural calamity. and i know of this corrupt politician who has lived a sweet life all his life, and he continues to do so. when will this people get what's rightfully due to them? in the fucking afterlife? the afterlife that every religion has a different interpretation of? You have got to be kidding me.


I'm not getting matched to a residency position because i fucked up on my exams. I was overconfident, i didn't study hard, simple as that. It's not because it's god's will, it's not because he's just giving me trials. I fucked up, and it was my fault. I'm the one whose to blame. And if by some miracle that i matched to a position, it's because of the help of my friends and not because God wanted it. All of the religious undertones that some people put in everything just pisses me off. So i wish all those people would shut up when they say that God has other plans for me. There is no fucking God. Whatever shit i find myself in, it's all my fault. if it's not, then it's because of pure dumb luck. something random, it's not something that some divine entity planned. So who do i have to thank for this stupid little life? I only have myself to thank for it, thank you fucking much. I know some people have it worse than me, but the point is, i'm not living the life i want. because i fucked up, that's why i can't. Some would say i should be thankful for what i have, because a lot of people have close to nothing. a lot of people would love to trade places with me. But why would they? because they're not living the life they want right? We may be living different lives, experiencing different hardships, but we still all feel the same way.


Happy fucking birthday to me. Here's to another shitty year. More of the same crap, recycled over and over again. I wonder if i'll ever see the day when i would be truly be happy on this fucking day. With my dumb luck, that seems highly unlikely. It really fucking sucks to be me.

Year After Year

People have been greeting me all day, and i find it hard to force a smile, I find it hard to say thanks. I find it so hard to pretend. How could I, when i find no reason to be happy at this point in my life? How can I, when I feel so fucking miserable?

For the past week my dad has been bugging me to throw a birthday party. Jesus Christ. After the bad news that I received last week, he actually thinks i'd be in the mood to party? He actually thinks i'd be in the mood to celebrate? Celebrate what exactly? 3 decades of going nowhere? more than 30 years of living a life that is so far from the life that i wanted to live? Jesus fuckin' Christ, how dense is he? I didn't even want to get out of the fuckin' house, I don't even want to socialize with people. It wouldn't take rocket scientist to figure that out. It's written all over my face. To keep on bugging me to do something that I really do not want to do is not just annoying, it's downright insensitive.

But yeah, about a day before my birthday, we arrived at some sort of compromise. If i didn't want to invite my friends and our relatives to join me on this momentous occasion, we should at least eat dinner at a nice place outside. Just us, just our family. Just to get it over with, i agreed. But before we left our house, he told me not to forget my credit card. I asked him why. He told me didn't have enough cash at the moment so we're gonna use my card to pay for dinner, he'll just pay me when my credit card statement arrives at the mail. Oh my fucking God. Another one of so many facepalm moments. If he didn't have enough money, why choose such an expensive place to eat in the first place? And need I remind him that it was his idea. I didn't even want to go out. Eating dinner at home would be fine with me, but of course something as simple as that wouldn't be appropriate for such a glorious occasion.

During dinner, I was looking at the people I shared the table with. Seated across from me, there was that man that I've grown to despise so much after so many years. I recognize his great efforts to reach out, I can see that he has genuine concern for me. But all those things could never cover us his past mistakes, his past misdeeds. I don't think i can ever forget some of the things he has done. Too many huge missteps. Too many major fuck ups. Nothing could ever cover up those past sins. Absolutely nothing.

On my left was the guy whom i grew up with, but i never really had the chance to form some sort of a bond because we spent most of those years fighting and arguing instead of having some sort of meaningful conversation. I don't hate him now, but i don't feel any form of attachment with him either. Nothing.

And then there were the three women whom i only saw once a week. Sometimes weeks went by without seeing them at all. I felt no animosity towards them all those years, save for very few occasions... I never developed hatred towards them, but i never developed deep concern for them either. I just never had a chance. Maybe if things were different when i was growing up, I would have learned to care for them more. But with the way things were, i just never had the opportunity.

I looked at everyone seated at the table, and I never lost that feeling that somehow, the whole picture felt incomplete. This year marks the very first time I've celebrated my birthday without that one person that i'm closest to. Without that one person that I truly cared about. That one person who looked forward to this day every year more than anyone else. Maybe if she was still here i wouldn't feel this sad. Maybe the impact of that terrible news i've received last week would be lessened somehow. Maybe i wouldn't feel as depressed. Maybe I would have answers instead of unending questions, maybe the road ahead wouldn't be so unclear. If she was still here, maybe I wouldn't feel so fucking miserable.

It's been such a long time since my birthday meant something to me. For the longest time I have been apathetic. For the longest time I have been cynical. Now my birthday has some sort of meaning again. It reminds me of all those years i've wasted, it reminds me that i am still going nowhere.

When i was a child, my birthday was that day i looked forward to more than Christmas. When i was young, I couldn't be more happier than I was on my birthday. Now my birthday no longer holds such meaning to me. I no longer feel happiness nor apathy. Now my birthday is just depressing. So fucking depressing.

One Year Older

After what i referred to as my "worst birthday ever" last year, I was pretty sure my birthday this year would be better. After all, I'm not asking for much. i just want a day free from problems and hassles. That's not too much to ask for, right? I don't really care about the celebrating part. To have dinner with family and a few friends has become mandatory, so I just go with the flow--- my family believes there should be a gathering on birthdays, because another year in one's life is something we should be thankful for, therefore it should be celebrated with the people closest to one's heart.

When I checked the calendar a few weeks ago, i was surprised to see that my birthday fell on a holy week this year. On a Maundy Thursday to be exact. Bummer. So much for the drinking session I was hoping to have after dinner. I figured all bars would be closed. And even if there would be a bar open (probably owned by a non catholic), I figured most of my friends wouldn't like to be drinking on a holy thursday. It just isn't much fun drinking alone. Plus all those holy week traditions that I'm practically forced to do by my overly religious grandparents would probably put me in a bad mood.

But surprise, surprise! it didn't turn out bad. We found a restaurant that was open. And it had a bar! And even though some of my close friends weren't able to come--- can't get out of their family's holy week tradition was the number one excuse, the second being on duty at the hospital... the right people came. Although there were moments when this one girl became incredibly annoying that it almost ruined my evening, which she does every so often to the point that I already got used to it... I still keep on wondering to this day why we have been friends all these years despite her attributes that a lot of people (including me) have grown to despise. And that instance earlier in the evening when another explosive argument almost happened, when my dad kept insisting that I go to the church and pray for a few minutes just to say thanks, even when we were running late and it was the restaurant's policy to cancel reservations after a 20 minute waiting period... and that second on the brink of another heated argument for the night with him in the parking lot... But overall, it was a nice evening. Although I didn't get drunk to the point of ecstasy, I did get to drink. LOL. But most importantly, I got to reconnect with a few friends that I haven't seen for a while.

The worst part? When i got home. I checked my emails, and I received computer generated messages from several services that I subscribed to. Happy 28th birthday, they said. Woooooohoooooo. I suddenly felt old. Funny how just one digit can make that big difference. At 27 I still felt so young. At 28, I feel that I'm no longer young. When my dad was 28, he already had 4 kids. Heck, when my dad was 28, I was already 8 years old. In two short years, I'll be saying goodbye to my carefree years of being a 20-something. In just two short years, I'd look pathetic acting like the way I'm acting now. I need to start planning, I need to have some stability--- but how can I when my future is still clouded in uncertainty, when I still don't know which direction to take? Who wants to grow old anyway, when living a carefree life with little responsibility is so much easier? It's okay to live life with such a perspective as a young adult, but I can't really refer to myself as a young adult anymore. Never mind the fact that I still have no stable job, never mind the fact that I still live with my parents. I am getting old. Everyone gets older, it's inevitable. Living a carefree life as one approaches his thirties is shameful, if not downright pathetic. The journey through life is a journey we must continuously travel. There are no stop overs. Even when we grow weary, we have to move on. To think otherwise would be somewhat delusional. Unlike some people i know who refer to themselves as perennial 20 somethings, who chose to live a life with no worries and responsibilities, I feel that it's better to look down the road and plan for the rigorous journey ahead.

I guess it's about time I start acting my age.