For several years now, I just view Christmas as any ordinary day. The magic is long gone. Gone are the times when I anticipated this day, back when I thought the magic was real. As children, it is a day of joy--- the day when Santa Clause drops by to give us what we ask for, a day when relatives give us lots of presents, a day when everyone is basking in the joys of celebration. As we grow up, as we learn what's real and what's make believe, part of the Christmas spirit has gone along with the illusions and fantasies. The same things kept happening every year, and those traditions have become tiresome. There's nothing new to look forward to. As adults, we're also left with the burdens of planning festivities, buying Christmas presents, allocating our funds so that we will not exceed our budgets--- all those responsibilities that we didn't care about when we were kids. Aside from becoming routine, Christmas has also become some sort of a burden.
Most probably, Christmas 2006 would be the last year I'd spend Christmas at home--- at least until 2011. For the next five years, there's a good chance I'll be spending Christmas with nurses, patients, and fellow residents. No problem though. That would be a welcome change. And since Christmas has become just another day for me, it will be like spending any other day on duty at the hospital. But after doing some thinking, i guess I'd miss Christmas dinner with my family. And I'd miss seeing my relatives during the yearly family reunions. Five years from now, my siblings and cousins may have husbands and wives already. Older relatives may no longer be around. The old status quo may be changed drastically into a form I'm no longer familiar with. So I told myself I have to enjoy this Christmas. I should cherish every moment, because it could be the last time I get to experience the Christmas that I know.
The routine started, and almost immediately I was succumbing to boredom. We usually start our traditions with our grandmother giving money to less fortunate children, but the amount has been the same being for more than 10 years now... maybe 15 years. She only gives 20 bucks to each kid, with the exception of that one year when she nearly died of a heart attack--- that year she gave 50 bucks. I'm not talking 20 dollars here, so that isn't much. 20 bucks is approximately 40 American cents. What exactly can you buy with that amount? candies? cigarettes? a few biscuits? We've told her that if she really wants to help, then increase the amount she's giving, or just give the whole bulk of it to some charitable institution. But she's really stubborn... and stringy. Maybe she really loves the attention she gets when people are falling in line as she gives them money. I mean, during our new year's day family reunion, she throws money in the air and keeps on laughing at the way the kids and even some adults scramble and push each other to get some of the money she's throwing at them. I guess we can't really blame her... at home, we don't really talk to her that much. It's only natural for her to crave all that attention. Anyway, the tradition began, and I can't help but feel embarrassed at the small amount being given. But these are hard times I guess, for they were really thankful even for such a small amount. I'd imagine they would jump for joy if they were given an amount that they could buy a decent meal with. I wanted to leave then, but what really made me get back inside the house was my dad shouting at the street children, telling then to behave, or else he's going to beat them all up. Christ. I couldn't stand it anymore. I was thankful I wouldn't be a part of it for the next 5 years. Doing hospital work, no matter how tiring, seemed better than this--- farce. I may have not slept nor taken a bath for days, I may be starving, but at least if I'm spending Christmas at the hospital, I'm actually helping others with what I'm doing.
Next was the routine Christmas dinner. I tried hard to be happy and bask in the joys of the season, but my efforts seem futile. The only highlight of the Christmas dinner was when that Christmas song by Alvin and the Chipmunks played on the stereo. We all laughed at that high pitched voice, which was unexpected because the Christmas songs that have been playing previously were those slow songs that seem to transport you back in the 60's... or 50's. I smiled genuinely when I heard those chipmunks singing. I have forgotten all about that song. I remembered how I loved that song as a child. I was transported back to a time when I was truly happy during Christmas time.
Next we opened our presents. Years ago that was the moment I looked forward to. In recent years, it has become the moment when I tried very hard to make the most genuine looking fake smile I can muster. I got an expensive gift this year... a micro theater system. I'm really thankful, and I know how expensive it is... but I won't be able to make use of it for the next five years. I certainly can't bring all those speakers to the hospital.. or did they think i could? If they didn't know what I want--- or what i can actually USE, they could've just asked me. I don't really care about the thrill of surprises, so it wouldn't hurt just to ask me. For practical purposes, i could use a new digital camera for taking pictures of patients and specimens needed for all those case presentations that I'll be doing. What I want? I'd like to have a good FM transmitter for my ipod, because the cheap one I got wasn't very good at transmitting--- stupid me for expecting much from such an inexpensive gadget. I guess my friends know me more... they give gifts I can really use. T-shirts, boxers, novels and books that i read... one of my friends even gave me an ipod speaker this year!... it's something I wanted to buy, but I didn't have enough money for such an expensive gadget. Christ, it's f*cking expensive, I was kinda ashamed I can't give him a gift of equal value. It was something I wanted but didn't really expect to get. At that instant, I could've given my friend a really big kiss if he was only female. lol. After opening our presents, we proceeded to visit our relatives on the maternal side of the family.
Usual stuff again, though I found it funny that my aunts and uncles still give me money at my age, because they know I'm still unemployed. lol. My maternal grandmother is also amusing... she's so forgetful--- this started a few years back, though no one had her checked yet... I mean, it could be Alzheimer's. She couldn't remember the names of her grandchildren, except for my one cousin who lives with her. She asks for solo pictures every year as a Christmas present, with our names written in bold letters at the back, so she won't forget us. We keep giving her pictures every year, but she probably misplaced them. hehe. My sister did a mean albeit funny thing some time ago, when our grandmother saw her favorite cake and asked for some. After eating, my sister asks her if she wants a slice of her favorite cake, and she said yes. She probably had 5 slices of the cake before she asked everyone, wondering why she feels so full when she hasn't eaten anything yet. This year, I sat with her for a while, and she's telling me all these things about getting married already, taking care of kids, all random stuff. After a few minutes, she forgets who I am again. It's all funny, and everyone was laughing, though I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. Deep inside, there's this sad thought that she might not be around five years from now... She's more than 85 years old after all. i might not have a chance to sit down and talk with her again.
After some time, I went drinking with my cousins. We don't usually go drinking with them because our killjoy father is with us, but since it would be a long time until i see these people again, I thought... what the heck. It was great talking with them... I haven't talked to some of them for years now. It was great to reconnect. I had 10 bottles of beer, but I didn't get drunk. Must be getting more tolerant again... or maybe because I was so full, the alcohol can't get past my stomach and into my system. lol. It's a pity they didn't see my renditions of my videoke repertoire. I only go crazy with videoke when I'm drunk. lol. I guess that's one high point. Heck, just give me a bottle of alcohol, and that would be the high point of any of my days. What spoiled everything was my father. The rest of my family went home earlier, while me and my brother stayed behind. He kept calling us, probably to tell us to go home. We just chose to ignore our cellular phones. For Pete's sake, we are already adults! At our age he already had four kids! and everyone else were adults! He refers to my cousins as irresponsible when they have stable jobs, unlike him! He calls them drunkards, though he's aware that I drink more than some of them! He calls them bad influences... heck, i'm probably a far worse influence to some of my friends. We went home at around 7 AM. I fell asleep as soon as we got home because the alcohol was finally kicking in. When I woke up in the afternoon, I found out our father even sent a text message to my aunt, telling her to stop the drinking session! WTF?! Is he crazy? He's thinking he's God again, telling my aunt to stop the party. He even said he's going to scold my cousins. Geez, they're not his kids! what gives him a right to scold them?! And they're all adults already, not kids! And I don't see why he's making such a big fuss. When I go out drinking, I usually get home when the sun is already up. And isn't it safer last night because we were in a relative's house, and not drinking at some bar outside? Often he gives gives such faulty reasoning, saying things without logic--- there's definitely something wrong with him. Just when I was starting to have fun during Christmas, he ruins everything again. Next year, when I'm on duty in the hospital, without sleep, without food, with a very heavy work load, I just have to avoid entertaining happy memories during Christmas time. I instead, all I have to do is think about our tiresome traditions and my father's antics. That would be comforting enough. That's enough to make me thankful for spending Christmas in a place far away from home.
I might regret saying that this time next year... but there's a good chance that I won't.
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