It's hard being an agnostic in a catholic country. People give you that certain look when you tell them you're agnostic... they look at you as if you're the devil or something. It feels even worse when your own friends give you that look. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t done anything evil. To them, you are the ultimate sinner, just because you don’t believe in religion. You’re worse than those rapists, robbers, and killers out there who at least still believe in their gods.
As I’ve stated in a previous post, I’ve had a catholic upbringing. The sacrament of baptism is the norm for every child born in a catholic country. I went to a catholic school, did all those religious customs. I even used to pray the rosary daily, for Christ’s sake. But going to a state university where a potpourri of different beliefs and customs exist opened my eyes. I saw the bigger picture. We have different religions, but everyone is basically the same. I’ve heard many arguments, about which religion is the real religion. These arguments seem to go nowhere--- how can such arguments be resolved when each party believes that his religion is the right one? One can’t be easily persuaded when one has been practicing a certain religion from the day he or she was born. One’s religion has become an indelible part of one’s personality.
After being exposed to subjects like philosophy, I began to question my faith. I can’t say the same for other religions because I don’t have sufficient knowledge of their teachings, but the catholic faith seems... selfish. How can you explain the teachings that people in other religions are praising the wrong Gods, so no matter how good and devout they are, they can never go to “heaven” because their faith is misdirected. That’s a whole lot of bullshit. I believe that we are praising the same God, for there is only one creator. The order in this world makes me believe that there must be a creator, no matter how many prayers go unanswered… it’s hard to believe that such order can come out randomly. The difference in religious doctrines may only be the result of manipulations of different men, perhaps for selfish reasons. Also, I think the catholic faith is a faith for blind followers. There are so many loopholes, and when questions arise, there’s just one safe answer. Believing in the unsure is the proof of your faith. What they probably meant by the word faith is BLIND faith. And what do they say when good things happen to you, or when probably by sheer coincidence, you get what you pray for? They say it’s the work of God, you have been blessed, you should be thankful. On the other hand, when you are beset by misfortunes--- if you’ve sinned, God is punishing you, and if you’ve been good they say it’s God way of testing you. WTF?! What convenient answers!
Of course, all those news of priests molesting minors and raping virgins hasn’t helped my faith. They say they are only human, they can also fall for temptations. Give me a break. Not everyone becomes child molesters or rapists. And it’s not like they didn’t know what they were getting into. From the very start, they’ve been told that they will live a life of abstinence! They should be role models, they should be above mere mortals. That’s part of the deal! If they couldn’t handle it, then they shouldn’t be priests in the first place! Those closet homosexuals using priesthood to cloak their true identities make me even more sick. I see nothing wrong with priests being homosexuals, but they should’ve left their sexual urges behind, and not just using priesthood as an excuse not to get married. These are the people that I should listen to? These are the people that I should confess my sins to? These are the people who preach the word of God?! I can be a more credible priest compared to these people.
Somehow, I think religion came out of man’s necessity. It was created for the convenience of men. When you have no one you can turn to, it seems comforting that there’s a higher power out there, someone who can give you strength and guidance. It seems like a natural action. I admit, in times of dire need I pray to a higher power, even though I know there’s a greater probability that my prayers will go unanswered. There’s even the thought that there’s no one up there at all. Yet, it’s still comforting, knowing that someone might be able to put a little weight off your shoulders. In recent years, I have attempted to believe again in the catholic faith… God knows that I have tried. Each time I go to church, I silently pray to the Lord to “lead me back to the light”. But once our eyes have been opened, it’s hard to close them again. It’s hard to pretend you don’t know something when you have been exposed to that knowledge. It’s difficult to live a lie when you have seen the truth, or at least seen something that seems to be more true. It’s hard to believe once again in the unexplained when you have lived a life where there should be reasons and answers for everything.
Back then, when I was still a blind follower, I had some odd sense of fulfillment. Looking back, I guess I was generally happy. Life didn’t seem so miserable.
Maybe if I never saw the bigger picture...
I wouldn’t feel so empty inside.
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