Denouement

In just a few hours, I'll be leaving for my first day of duty as a surgery resident. I may not be able to post something in this blog for a very long time... it depends on how huge my work load is. I may just prefer to sleep every time I get to go home, and do nothing else :) In just a few hours, the year 2006 will be over, along with the life that i have known. What better way to end my first year of blogging, than to post some sort of denouement, a resolution of some sort... I've had a lot of posts that seemed to be like a cliffhanger episode of some TV show after all, waiting for a proper resolution. hehe.

Back in June, I had a post entitled "No Doctor in the House". My grandmother had a case of herpes zoster then--- commonly known as "shingles". Funny how I failed to recognize it then, when the appearance was "textbook presentation". Maybe because my mind was elsewhere, I had just woken up from sleep... i guess it's also hard to recognize a disease that you haven't seen in real life, no matter how much you've read about it. It's funny how I've seen a lot of weird cases in the hospital, yet I've never seen a case of shingles. Yeah we all make mistakes, but failing to recognize something so simple... it doesn't help increase my faith in myself, at least when it comes to being a doctor.

What about my lengthy post about my ex? I'm over her. I'm not preoccupied with thoughts of strangling her anymore... though i still get pissed when anyone mentions her name. Or when I see pictures of her... but most of the time i can manage to keep a straight face. No one seems to see that I'm getting pissed deep inside. Oh yeah, if there's one consolation, her new boyfriend is ugly as hell. Hey, I'm not some vain guy who thinks he's better looking than most people, and I seldom call people ugly because I think that term is very offensive, so when I say someone is ugly, either i'm mad at that person, or that person is really really really ugly. I can't help but laugh at her desperation--- a lot of guys seem to want to pursue her, guys who look so much better! Yet she's so desperate she picks the first guy who comes along, probably because she can't live without a relationship... or she wants to settle down ASAP. Or she wants some rich guy to finally bring her out of her disguised poverty. How pathetic can a person get.

I'm still not in good terms with my dad.. though everything seems okay at this time... at least better. He's in one of his high times--- those times when he's got a load of cash. Where he got money this time I didn't bother to ask. And he's making a lot of effort to become close, starting conversations, asking about my life and shit... I still feel distant though, his efforts doesn't seem to be working. A classic case of too little, too late... not that I care anyway. Whether we're close or not, i don't care. Somehow, I'm already numb, apathetic to everything about him.

And what about the job that I'm about to start doing in a matter of hours? I've had a lot of posts regarding my apprehensions, my doubts in this profession I'm in... I'm still apprehensive. I'm thinking, what the heck am I getting myself into? Most of the time, I can't help but feel out of place... that I might be better off doing something else... that I can make a difference elsewhere... I feel inadequate, knowing that I'm not one of the best in my field... and the work hours! I'll be lucky if I get to sleep for an hour a day, i'll be lucky if I get to take a bath once a week! Many of my friends have said that I must be crazy, knowing that there are other options out there--- the schedule isn't so inhuman in other hospitals... and knowing how half hearted I am in this profession, choosing to take up surgery residency in PGH must be proof enough that I'm on my way to the looney bin! In a few hours, I'll be really working... I won't be a student anymore, I won't have anyone who's always watching my back. It's not practice anymore, this time it's the real thing. There are a lot more responsiblities, I'll be responsible for people's lives for Christ's sake... I hope I can still make a difference even if I really am out of place.... or at least, I hope I don't f*ck up... A person's life is at stake for every action that i make. I can't risk making gambles when the consequences are far too great.

They say the first year of surgery residency is the hardest... the most inhuman... but once it's over, it just seems like a blur, it's over too fast, you'd hardly remember it. I hope I don't lose hope, I don't lose my will power... 2007 will be a year to forget, I hope I have the strength to hold on. This time next year, I hope I'll be one fulfilled doctor, gleefully anticipating the year 2008, thr year when a huge burden will be taken off my shoulders.

Along with the year 2006...

This is one dysfunctional doctor, signing off. :)