Supernatural

It was easy to dismiss this show as a teeny bopper show that was just trying to be edgy. Heck, the casting of the two male leads was obviously to entice a female audience to watch this show. Plus, it's shown on the CW network--- the home of cheesefests such as Smallville, Charmed, Gilmore Girls, Gossip Girl, the newly unearthed 90210, plus a whole lot of others. Could you blame me for initially thinking that this show was like all those other shows?

Good thing I'm a sucker for any show dealing with demons, monsters, and the like. Good thing I'm a sucker for a good scare. Good thing I'm a sucker for any show that has a lot of blood and gore. And I have to admit, there's been a huge hole in my heart ever since Buffy The Vampire Slayer went off the air, and no TV show, no matter how gory or campy, could seem to fill it. So yeah, I began watching Supernatural on its 3rd season. And I liked what I've seen so much, that I had to buy the first two seasons immediately. Oh Yeah, there was THAT sense of urgency.

I admit, the first season seemed a bit teeny bopperish, but it had that edge that didn't feel pretentious at all. It really felt genuine. Case in point, that episode with the painting (episode 19) was genuinely scary. Unlike the other shows in the CW network, Supernatural sticks out like a sore thumb because the show was meant to be taken seriously even if it dealt with subjects matters that were more of within the realm of fantasy. And with each succeeding season, the special effects became better, the episodes became bloodier, and most importantly, the story arcs grew darker and more sinister--- you wouldn't care anymore even if their initial target audience consisted of shrieking females aged 13-20 who were looking for something to fill up that void left by Charmed. I thought the story arc in the protracted third season was great... but from what I've seen with the first few episodes this season... with the grand battle between good and evil looming... the direction in which the series is going seems to be nothing short of phenomenal. Angels walking among us- the grand coming of Lucifer kind of phenomenal... those are big words coming from someone who's agnostic. Supernatural is definitely one of the best shows this season, and I'd definitely recommend it to anyone--- fans of horror and fantasy, teeny boppers looking for a good scare, emo kids and goths looking for dark materials, peers looking for something to watch on DVD this Halloween...

like I said, anyone. :)

The Subspecialty Schedule

I mentioned before that i applied for the straight fellowship program in thoracic and cardiovascular surgery (TCVS)--- that means I only have to take up general surgery for 3 years instead of the usual 5 years, then I could proceed to fellowship training which would last for another three years. To give us a glimpse of our possible life for the next six years, pre-residency this time around had me rotating in general surgery for two weeks, while the latter half would have me rotating in TCVS.

I've been rotating in TCVS for about a week now, and I just have to say that the difference between general surgery and any sub specialty (TCVS, urology, plastic surgery) is like night and day. Everything is organized--- it's possible in general surgery, and I kept on wondering why they can't seem to fix things. In terms of schedule? I couldn't be more happier. I can squeeze a few hours of sleep even when I'm on duty. I can go home every three days. During week days, i can go home as early as 7 PM. I had time to go to the gym. On weekends, we're done by 11 AM! And today, I'm on call, yet I've managed to go to the mall and buy a few clothes, watch a movie, and eat a decent meal... I even went to a bar a few hours ago! LOL. Good thing there were no emergency cases. I was back in the hospital just in time to log in. :)

Come to think of it, going back at the same hospital isn't so bad--- as long as I'll be going back under the TCVS program. I'm familiar with everything already, I already know a lot of people here, asking for favors would be much easier... during the first two weeks while I was still in general surgery, I immediately remembered why I left this place... seeing all the things I hated--- things haven't improved... in some aspect, they have worsened. But in TCVS--- I believe I could live like this. Yeah, I would still have to go through three years of no life in general surgery, for three whole years this hospital would swallow my entire life again... but after that, it would be three years of getting my life back, with the added bonus of surgical training. I guess that's a fair exchange. :)

Yeah there are drawbacks... they say it would be better to finish general surgery first so i would be board certified to handle cases in both general surgery and TCVS... they say I would be more capable to handle intra-abdominal lesions if i finish general surgery first... add the fact that several hospitals prefer those who finished general surgery compared to those who underwent the straight program... but i'm tired of the whole general surgery lifestyle--- at least in this hospital. I guess all this though is a bit presumptive, i haven't been accepted yet. LOL. If I don't get accepted, I'll be given the option to undergo general surgery instead--- an option I won't take, even if I said during the interview that I would be willing to. If I'm not accepted, that would be fine with me. It's not something that would bring me down. That just opens the door for other opportunities to explore, opportunities that would arguably be better. I love helping others, it's just that I'm sick of giving up my entire being just so I could be of service. This time, I'd like to leave a little piece of my life for my own. That's not too much to ask for, right?

Time in, Time Out

It's day 12 of this replay of pre residency training, and things are getting crazier and crazier. Tension has been escalating exponentially, and the so called seniors are making things harder and harder. One of the things that i don't understand is that we have to sign in for attendance at exactly 4 AM each day, even though we're at the hospital all the time. Thrice my name was already crossed out. I wouldn't mind it if I came from home and was really late. Heck, I wouldn't really mind it even if I was at the hospital and failed to sign because I fell asleep. But during all three instances, I was at the hospital working! and it's not like I was really late in signing. It was only 4:15 AM when I went up to the surgery lounge to sign in a few minutes ago, and they already crossed out a lot of our names!

That's it. I don't care about that stupid "attendance" sheet anymore. It has turned into nothing but bull--- another tool to whet the appetites of the power hungry. If they want us to drop everything we're doing no matter how important it is, even if doing so would be detrimental to our patients... just to be able to sign on some stupid piece of paper, then so be it. If they're seriously considering using that stupid attendance sheet as a criteria to determine the people who would get accepted in the department of surge-fuckin'-ry, then they have more than a few screws loose. It's just another proof that the way they run this so called pre residency training is so fucked up. They can cross out my name for the next two weeks for all I care. In my heart I am doing my work.I am not slacking off in any way. If they will base my performance on the number of signatures on that attendance sheet, then that's their call. I don't care at all.

Impedance... Redux

Pre residency training redux.

Prison Break fans could relate... Remember how it was in the end of the second season two of prison break, when Michael Scofield found himself in prison again after a tumultuous turn of events? That's exactly how I felt the very moment I reported for duty a week ago, at 4 AM, in the place where I used to work. A slightly different program, but in the exact same department, in the exact same hospital where I submitted my resignation papers more than a year ago. Back to the no eating for a maximum of 2 days, no sleeping for a maximum of three days, no taking a bath for a maximum of a week lifestyle. In a way it's easier the second time around. I already know the ins and outs, I already know the rotten system and the ways to get around it. Plus, the first year residents seem to find it awkward giving me orders, because they know for a fact that if I had not resigned, I would've been their senior. So yeah, work wise, there's less stress involved. But a lot of my seniors have been giving me a very hard time. Clearly, a number of them do not want me back, and some aren't even blunt about it. I'm somewhat ostracized. I feel like an outsider more than ever. Some people who I've used to think as friends now seem like strangers--- as if the months I've spent with them, sharing their work, their problems, their pain... as if those months never even happened. And add the fact that when I did this the first time, I was having fun even though the work load was unphysiologic, because I liked what I'm doing. Now everything's a chore. I even find the whole exercise useless. Pre residency training is meant to orient incoming residents regarding the ins and outs of the system. Geez, technically I've already had more than 8 months of orientation last year. I'm not learning anything new. I even know a lot more than the current first year residents. Not to mention the fact that I can operate on a patient a lot faster. Many times I was tempted to just grab the instruments just to get things done.

Crap. The next 5-6 years of my life trapped in that place. There'd be little time for anything else, because in order to work in the place,you'd have to allow the system to swallow your entire being. But i guess after 5-6 years, i'd finally be able to do what I like, right? Rewards are directly proportionate to the sacrifices we make... at least I hope so.

One person seems to be really happy about all this though--- that's one positive thing I could see. My credit card bills have miraculously been paid, and when I got home this evening, a gourmet meal was waiting for me, prepared by you know who.

Crossroads

I'm at a crossroad again. Before, going away and seeking greener pastures elsewhere was out of the question--- because of my principles, I said I wanted to stay where I am and help my own countrymen. But these days, that choice is becoming more and more enticing. Most of my friends from med school have already left. In fact, most of them have started residency training in the US. When I told some friends who are still in the country about my half baked decision to go back to where I used to work... to put it mildly, they thought the decision was STUPID. Why the hell would i go back? Don't I remember how I used to feel back then? It's like eating the food you've just vomited, taking back stuff that you've thrown away in the garbage---- yup, those exact words. It's like hearing my own thoughts coming out from the mouths of others. And to make things even more confusing, one of my closest friends, who was pestering me to go back a few weeks ago, is now telling me that he wants to resign too. He said he has finally realized that he'd rather go abroad also, that it would be the best decision. He says should I decide not to go back and just go abroad, he would instantly resign so that he could join me. He just doesn't want to do it alone. Truth is, I still want to serve my own countrymen. I still don't think I would be comfortable treating foreign patients. What makes that path so attractive is the chance to finally get away--- away from all the pressure, away from being controlled, to finally put an end to the feeling of being imprisoned. Sure I would miss some people, sure there are a lot of things that would make me want to stay, but with the weight things are now, the desire to leave is so overwhelming that I can't help but overlook the things that I would regret leaving behind. Am I really ready to make such a big step, or is this another case of making decisions haphazardly? It could be that I'm so clouded by emotions that I can't think clearly. I might make another decision that I might regret. I actually applied for a slightly different program. It's the straight program for cardiovascular surgery. Yup, it's still in the same department, but it's a sub-specialty that to my knowledge, my dad has no connections. If I get accepted, I would think that it would be done fairly. No under the table deals. If I get accepted, then maybe it was meant to be. I may be meant to stay here. I guess I have to wait for a month or so, wait for how things would turn out. Then i would make my final decision.

Catching Up With Movies

I have some extra time these days, so I'm catching up with movies that I wanted to see last year but failed to do so because I did not have the time. :)

The first movie i saw yesterday was Into the Wild, which is based on a true story. It's about a young college graduate named Chris McCandless, and his quest for self discovery. Shortly after graduation, Chris gives his life savings to charity, burns all of his identification, and begins hitchhiking across America, his ultimate goal being Alaska. The film is directed by Sean Penn---- if you found the other movies that he directed boring, then this one will surely bore you to death. It's a slow moving film, and with a running time of 2 hours and 30 minutes, this film is not for those people who do not have any time to spare. It's an introspective film, perfect when you're in the mood for a little reflection. And while some may be turned off by the somewhat selfish pursuits of the lead character, most people could probably relate to his search for happiness and fulfillment... after all, those are the things that most of us have been searching for all our lives. His final realization--- that happiness is only real when shared, was truly a poignant moment. Is it any wonder why I really liked this movie?

The next movie--- The Mist. The movie is based from a short story by Stephen King. That's one reason why I wasn't interested in watching this movie. In general, movies based on literary works pale in comparison to the source material. In most cases, they suck. But movies based on Stephen King novels take suckdom to a whole new level. They really really really really REALLY suck. I don't know if it's because of financial constraints resulting to really bad special effects, or it's the simple fact that his stories cannot really translate well to the big screen. I mean, what happened to the film versions of literary gems such as The Stand, Apt Pupil, Hearts in Atlantis?! To those people who argue that The Green Mile, The Shawshank Redemption, and The Shining were great movies--- yeah, they're good. But try reading the original novels, and you'll see that they still suck--- even if it's only a bit.

That's why The Mist came as a pleasant surprise. It's directed by Frank Darabont, who also directed both The Green Mile and Shawshank Redemption--- films that were considered as effective adaptations of the original novels. That's one point the film has got going for it. The small setting probably helped in making the feeling of dread much more easier to convey, but perfect casting was probably the major factor. For instance, the actress playing that religious fanatic was so good, I got so affected that I wanted to pull her from the TV screen and strangle her. LOL. As expected, the weakest scenes are the ones where the obviously fake CG monsters appear, but the during the scenes involving human interactions--- showing their weaknesses, personal conflicts, primordial reactions... the movie really shines that you'd soon forget those not so special effects. Who would've thought that a horror movie could turn out to be such a exceptional study of faith and human nature.

Another movie that I saw yesterday was Sunshine. Here's the synopsis: Five decades into the future, the sun is dying, and Earth is running out of time. After the failure of a previous mission, it's up to the crew of the Icarus II to reignite the star with a stellar bomb--- to create a star within a star.

I'll go out on a limb and give it five stars. I usually like sci-fi movies that delve into the realm of pseudo reality, and I get absolutely ecstatic when I get to watch one that's done well. Sunshine is a film directed by Danny Boyle, the same guy who directed the movie 28 Days Later. That should already serve as a caveat--- if you're one of those people who failed to appreciate the genius shown by that zombie movie, then you're better off not watching Sunshine. If you don't mind talky and brooding movies, and if you're okay with movies that have a limited backdrop, then you might give this movie a try. After the first 20 minutes every scene becomes tension filled, and the feeling of claustrophobia can be overwhelming. The excellent cinematography deserves special mention--- it's like watching a NASA special feature. The acting is superb, Cillian Murphy is excellent as always. And who would've thought Chris Evans could look credible in a serious role? Sure it gets pretty generic in the third act, when it delves into slasher film territory... the ending was also predictable... and highly intellectual audiences could point out a number of factual errors... but taken in its entirety, no one can deny that this is one very polished film. This movie deserved so much more than what it made in the US box office. I mean--- total gross is only a little more than 3 million dollars?! WTF! The Dark Knight is still making that much on a single weekend day!

Anyway... I think these three films were great, and I highly recommend all of them. :)

In The Spotlight Again

I hate being the center of attention. Yeah, I have the occasional fantasies of becoming a rock star, but I would never take the step to convert those fantasies into reality. That fantasy would forever remain in the confines of my bedroom and bathroom. LOL. If I liked all the attention, I would've agreed to several modeling and acting jobs offered to me a few years back. The easy money made those offers really tempting... but after some thought, I came to the conclusion that that just wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be comfortable with that line of part time work. I hate being noticed, it makes me really uncomfortable. I hate being talked about, I hate it when people keep looking at me, and especially when they blatantly stare at me. That's why I always try to keep a low profile... something that would never work no matter how hard I try, according to some of my close friends, because some of my features really stand out in a crowd. Like my eyebrows. Or my light complexion. Plus the fact that for some weird reason I still look clean even when I'm all sweaty and wearing really dirty clothes, and even when I haven't taken a bath for a week, which made me really stand out in that place where I used to work. Even when I'm minding my own business and my facial expression practically screams LEAVE ME ALONE, sometimes even a stranger would approach--- in the library, in a restaurant, in bar, in the gym, wherever. When I'm at work, I'm usually the one patients approach for consult. For some reason, I just stick out even when i'm not doing anything.

By now a lot of people have heard the news that I would most probably be going back to where I used to work-- practically a done deal since I already took the exam and I'm scheduled for another interview this week. Just like that, I'm the talk of the town again--- that is, if they ever did stop talking about me. As much as I'd hate it, all eyes would be on me the very moment I step on those hallowed grounds again. To make matters worse, it has come to my attention that the things my dad did late last year has become common knowledge... and people ahave been talking about it repeatedly. How he asked several politicians and a number of the biggest contributor's to the hospital fund to call the hospital director, insisting that they should hire me back--- never mind the fact that I did not really want to. It's what my dad wants. I found it hard to keep a low profile before, no matter how hard I tried to stay in the background. Now all the attention is enormously magnified,probably a hundredfold.

If only there was a way to turn off that damn spotlight.

No Refuge

So I just submitted my "re-application" to the place where I used to work... and almost immediately it felt like one of the worst decisions I've made in my life. Do I not remember where I was and how I felt back then? And does any sane person who has already resigned actually apply for the same job in the same company after a certain amount of time?! I am so pathetic. Not that it was actually my own decision. My dad has been pressuring me for months, and I figured that this was the only logical way to finally put an end to it. And of course some of my friends from where I used to work kept on saying that it would be the right thing to do--- and if there's one thing about me, I find it hard to say no to my close friends. And when they keep on pestering me to do something, I would most probably give in even if I do not really want to. A few of my friends know this idiosyncrasy of mine... it's a good thing they seldom exploit it. One of them even accompanied me as I submitted the application form--- to make sure I don't back out. I was already there, and I did not want to linger any longer. So I filled out the form as fast as I could, and said to myself to hell with it. Within a few hours, the news started to spread slowly.

Among the early comments:

If he really wants to work here, Why did he quit in the first place?

If he wanted to come back, why did it take this long to decide?

I bet he was just forced by his father.

He's not a child anymore! Until now his decisions are based on what his father wants!?

If I had my way I'm going to give him a very hard time.

I'm going to endorse him, so that his seniors will give him a hard time.

He needs to prove that this is what he really wants.

He needs to work 10 times harder.

I'll always remind him that he was a quitter.

Great. The next five to six years would probably feel like five hundred. I have to swallow my pride and I have to deal with all the shame... plus the added pressure of knowing that a number of people do not want me back there. If I really decide to come back, it would be a decision that I should stick with. Quitting for the second time is not an option. Either I don't go on with it, or stick with it if I do.


*****

Last night I went out with friends from where I used to work. Of course my "re-application" was brought up, and I just had to express my doubts, which they dismissed outright. I can't really get unbiased advice from them, who are incredibly loyal and proud of the training they get from that place. Several words of comfort, which weren't even a bit comforting, for me at least. It's just an application form, i could still choose not to go on with it if I decide not to.

On the way home, we passed by a flooded area. The water level seemed to be rising, so I decided to make a turn at a side street, which was also flooded, but the water level wasn't that high. Soon we were on dry streets again, when my friend said that water seemed to have seeped inside the car. I turned on the light and we saw that the flooring was soaked. Bummer. A few minutes after, a policeman stopped us saying that the car made weird noises as it was running. I checked underneath and there was this sheet of plastic that was loose. It was probably scraping against the road as we were moving. When I got home, I got some rags and tried dry the floor. I even used that hair dryer i bought a few weeks back--- see, it wasn't such a waste of money after all. LOL. But the flooring was so soaked, I decided to just let it dry on its own, with a little help from the impending sunlight. I just have bring the car to the repair shop in the morning, to check that loose plastic sheet underneath.

After a few hours, another rude awakening. Something about me being so stupid, so careless, so spoiled.... something about never driving a car through flood water which was common sense, something about how I should learn to love my car, something about me not giving value to things, yadda yadda yadda. Christ, it wasn't as if I deliberately drove through flood water. It wasn't as if I wanted to drive through flood water just for the heck of it. And I wonder why he's so concerned about the damn car as if he was actually the one who purchased it... why he acts as if he could take the car away in an instant as if the money used to buy it came from his own pockets. Instead of answering back, I just chose to ignore the voices, pretended to sleep, thinking happy, tranquil thoughts.

One good thing that would happen if I really decide to go back to where I used to work? I'll be able to get away from all the voices, from all the anger, from all the pressure--- from all of this. It's funny, a year ago I thought I missed all this, I actually longed for all this. Drowning in occupational misery is so much better than feeling miserable in the place where you're supposed to get away from it all. It's such a sad life when seeking refuge means choosing the lesser of two evils. It's so sad that I can't even seek refuge in the only place that I could call home.

Fall Previews

Woo-hoo! The new season of my favorite TV Show--- Prison Break-- is about to start! But WTF?! Sarah is alive?! Didn't Lincoln see her head inside that box?! Or was he stupid enough to mistake someone else's head for Sarah's? And didn't LJ specifically say that he saw Sarah beheaded right in front of him? Does that mean that he's as stupid as his father? I wonder how they could pull off Sarah's return. This isn't sci-fi, they should make her return plausible enough.



On the other hand, another season of Heroes--- which used to be my favorite TV show, will also begin airing in about a month. Can the series redeem itself after the horrible second season, which was so bad it practically made me forget that Heroes used to be a great show? Based from the trailer below--- which seems to be bordering on the campy side... I'd say not very likely.

Soul Searching

Being pissed, almost reaching the breaking point--- and then remission.

Being pissed, almost reaching the breaking point--- and then remission.

Being pissed, almost reaching the breaking point--- and then remission.

Like a broken record that plays the same tune again and again, that seems to be the recurring cycle in my life. When I woke up I thought this was going to be another day when nothing significant would happen. No utter joy, but no misery either--- you may say an extended phase of remission. Then one of my grandmother's medical problems rears its ugly head again, and then the father gives me that look of disgust, explicitly accusing me of not caring at all--- even more so when I left the house when everything seemed okay, just to have some time off, just to get away from it all. I didn't go drinking, I went to the gym to do something healthy and productive, and release all the tension I was feeling at the same time... a fact that he found so hard to believe probably because he saw that bottle of Johnnie Walker and that pack of Marlboro Reds on my bed. Hey, when placed under enormous pressure, I need to smoke, I need to drink. So sue me.

As I rode my car, I could see that look of disgust on his face. How could something so simple make me so pissed? At one point I wanted to crash my car on the nearest post, or make a sudden right or left as I was crossing the flyover... good thing running at 160 km/hr with rock music blasting from the stereo at full volume was enough to soothe my nerves. How could something so simple give me so much pressure? A little psycho analysis may be needed. A little soul searching. For one thing--- the possible root of it all... I don't want to be a doctor. I'm working as a doctor, yeah--- but I'm only doing this because I already am one. My educational background doesn't qualify me for alternative occupations, unless I do more studying... and it seems pretty stupid to waste all those years in med school by not working as a physician. Every day I feel forced to be doing something I don't really want to do, even though no one's forcing me to keep on doing my job. I hated everything they taught in med school, save for a few that I found remotely interesting. It was like turning me into something that I did not want to be. So i picked surgery for residency... because I really loathe internal medicine. Pediatrics is internal medicine for kids... I hate doing internal examinations in obstetrics-- the fact that women are at their worst during pregnancy further aggravates my ill feelings towards that field. Radiology is boring, so is pathology. At least all that blood in the surgical field keeps me on my toes, and i couldn't deny the emotional high I get when I do operations... I picked surgery by the process of elimination. But it's still a part of the field that I do not want to be in--- How far could that interest go? As I discovered, it couldn't go far enough.

Now every time I go HOME--- the place where i'm supposed to be able to get away from it all, to get away from anything medical... there's always that chance that I'm going to manage a medical case. Diabetes, Pneumonia, hypertension, a variety of cardiac and renal problems... all diseases that are within the bounds of internal medicine, the sub specialty that I HATE the most... and my grandmother has all those! It's not that I don't care, it's just that I feel like I'm being forced to be doing something I hate doing--- again and again and again! Add the fact that I'm not really good in that field! I didn't really pay attention in school because I hated the subject, and now everytime I go home I'm bombarded with questions in internal medicine, even pressured to do some action! And it's pretty stupid that my father is pressuring me to go back to the place where I used to work, and expect me to be available immediately every time my grandmother begins to experience more health problems--- WTF?! He knows that's impossible with the work schedule. In fact, family problems, even ones concerning health, are not valid excuses to miss work, unless that immediate family member is on the verge of dying, if not dead already! Whenever she has health problems, my father wants me to just stay with her because I'm the only doctor in the family. It doesn't matter if I have plans. It doesn't matter if I have work. Even when she's already stable, I still have to stay with her because of the possibility that those health problems could still recur! If I don't, then I'm ungrateful, I don't care at all. I'm all things rotten and evil in this world. It doesn't matter if I'm not skilled enough to handle her case. Since I'm a doctor, to them I should be skilled enough!

Are my reasons valid? Or do I already need to schedule an appointment with the friendly neighborhood psychiatrist because I've become highly irrational and unreasonable? I may not need a psychiatrist yet, but I sure could use a drink...

right about now.

Needful Thing

It's been almost a year since I left the place where I used to work. Looking at my pictures from last year, I would say that I look like a very different person now. And it's not just because I've gained some weight. Ever since some friends decided to give me a "makeover", just for the heck of it... I've become more conscious of the way I looked. Whereas before I didn't really care about what I wore, whether this or that piece of wardrobe looked good with that... whereas before I never felt the need to tinker with my conservative hairstyle and general appearance...

It all started with form fitting shirts.

then jeans that were no longer oversized.

I practically changed my whole wardrobe by first getting rid of all those stripes and XL sized clothes.

Then I bought new shoes.

I started browsing fashion websites that were catered to men.

I grew my hair longer.

And when it was long enough, I started getting my haircuts at a salon.

And now, this---

...


...


...


...


...

and no, that's not some futuristic laser gun, nor is it one of the latest models of air guns that would give anyone the advantage when playing war games.

It was really embarrassing when I tried to purchase that thing. The salesperson kept asking if it was for my girlfriend, my mother, or my wife. Just to shut him up I just said it's for my sister. He was explaining how this and that was different from the other, but his attempts at explaining the special features sounded Greek to me... so I just picked the least girly looking model that I could afford. For some reason, I felt that i just HAD TO buy a hairdryer. When I went to a spa earlier this week, there was one in the dressing room so I tried it just for the heck of it... and my hair DID look better when I used the hair dryer. I really liked its effect. REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKED IT. It was as if I was in some sort of trance, as if I had a brief episode of psychosis, that I thought that it was such a necessity, that I had to rush out and buy one the very next day. Crap! What the f*ck has gotten into me! Christ, I'm becoming----

MY BROTHER!

(yeah, the word metrosexual would probably be also fitting, but I refuse to refer to myself as that)

At least I haven't reached THAT level of vanity (or should I say insanity)... yet. I don't have a gazillion facial products on my dresser... nor do I feel the need to choose the right bath products that would be most appropriate for my skin type... and I doubt if i would ever feel the need to go to a salon every month just to THREAD my eyebrows (no wonder his eyebrows look so... artificial. LOL). I would never, ever feel the need to do that. The moment I feel the urge to do those things--- ESPECIALLY the last one... I might as well schedule an appointment with the friendly neighborhood psychiatrist.

Whys and Wherefores

I've just finished reading the last volume of Y: The Last Man. The series ended months ago, and I was really tempted to buy the last issue when it came out because I just HAD to see how it ends. I managed to control myself, thinking that since I started reading the series on paperback, the whole 10 volumes would simply look better in my bookshelf. How my bookshelf looks really matters. I'm weird like that.

The ending was perfect, there was no other way to end it. The feeling was bittersweet as I closed the tenth volume. Sure, the ending wasn't what you can call happy... at least not for everyone--- could a happy ending be possible given such a premise? But the bittersweet feeling transcends whatever it was I saw on paper. It was like saying goodbye to old friends. Even though I only picked up the first volume last November, it's as if I've known these characters, not simply fictionally, but also personally, for years. That's how good this series is, and it's something I'd definitely recommend to everyone.

Before the epilogue, Yorick Brown was my age. Then on the final issue, it was 60 years later. As I returned the volume to my bookshelf, I started thinking... What would my life be sixty years from now? Where would I be? What would I have accomplished? What would I look back on? Started school at the age of three, excelled during the first half of my academic years, living the life of a nerd, then growing tired of it all on the later half, but not to the extent of failing. Made one wrong decision as I chose which path to take in college, and with a series of unfortunate events, here i am now. I tried to stick with it two years ago, just go with the flow, I said. But like all paths that we are forced to take, even when the road lies on a field, to us it's always uphill. I've grown weary and I stopped walking. I took other directions with no compass or map, And I'm going nowhere. My peers are leaving this country in the truckloads because "a career in medicine doesn't have a bright future in this city"--- those who say otherwise are ignorant. If only it was easy for me to leave this country, but both sefish and unselfish reasons continue to hold me back. Most of my family and friends are here, I'm not sure if could thrive for long in a place where there's nobody familiar. It wouldn't be much of an issue if not for my stupid principles, of wanting to serve my countrymen, of wanting to reach out to those who could really use my help... my conscience would keep tugging on me if I turned my back on them. As I got home this evening, my father reminded me of the deadline for application for residency training. He couldn't seem to understand why I'm on a standstill. It's not just because of the shame of going back to the place that you've left, akin to eating the food you've just vomited--- although shame IS a big factor, I admit that. I wonder what's the use of residency training here when you'll be back to where you started afterward? Most of my co-workers at the hospital have already finished residency training, and yet we have the same designation, as if they've never undergone any training at all... because no patients were coming in when they tried starting a private practice, moonlighting again was the only option to earn money. How fucked up is that?! Fast forward 6 years. Let's say I did go back, and I stuck with my decision. What now? More training, fellowship this time. And after? Try to start my private practice, and with some luck it would take off. With some luck I'd be stable enough to start a family--- at the young age of almost 40. After all that training, just 20 short years of private practice, and with my family's medical history, I'm bound to inherit a few illnesses, which would definitely hasten the wear and tear. I'd be a senior citizen by the time my kids reach their 20's. I would've tried to be a good father, because I've made a vow to never be like mine. With dumb luck, there's a chance that they'd still care for me genuinely by then, and not treated like some excess baggage that they are forced to carry. A few more years of gradually increasing dependence, inching slowly towards uselessness and senility. And then... I'd look back.

That's the general plan. That's the blueprint. Too plain and too simple, lacking details and decorations... no bells and whistles, no experiences that I would love to look back on again and again, no memories to cherish for life, nothing to be proud of. But life is one big puzzle, things rarely transpire as the way we plan or imagine them to be...The universe has a way of making even the best plans go awry.

Sixty years from now, I wish I would have a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment as I look around at the place I'm in, as I look at the people I know. I wish i could look back on something that would make me feel glad, alive, proud... something that could make me feel young again... something that would make me thankful and happy to be alive--- that's something I would wish for, because as of now, there is nothing. I couldn't dream of anything more, because that's the closest one can have to a happy ending in real life... a sense of accomplishment and genuine contentment, with not much thought as to the whys and wherefores in this life.

The Third Mummy Movie

Even though both The Mummy and The Mummy Returns didn't get many favorable reviews from critics, I enjoyed watching both movies. They're popcorn flicks after all; people shouldn't expect something cerebral or deep. What matters is that they are fun to watch. I expected to have the same experience with the third movie as I sat on my seat inside the movie theater--- even if I knew beforehand that it was practically murdered by critics. After the first few minutes though, I began to realize that I might be wrong.

All jokes fell flat. Scenes that weren't meant to be funny were the ones that elicited laughter from the audience. Plot loopholes abound, many scenes defied logic and common sense. All the nifty special effects couldn't mask the tedium shown onscreen. By the time the Yetis (?!) showed up, I've already given up. I hoped that the final battle sequence could save the movie, but everything looked so fake, it was like watching a videogame demo. The only bright spot was the fight scene between Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh--- too bad it was way too short. And although casting changes are always distracting even if a better actor or actress was employed, it's never as distracting as the one in this film. Clearly, replacing Rachel Weisz with Maria Bello was a wrong decision--- but not as wrong as the decision to resurrect this franchise.

And what's with the ending?! They're actually thinking of doing a fourth movie?! Unless they could create a movie that's even half as enjoyable to watch as the first two, they should just keep this franchise buried for all eternity.

I should have just watched The Dark Knight again.

Who'll Be Watching The Watchmen?

Incidentally, here's the first trailer for Watchmen, which is being shown prior to the screenings of The Dark Knight. Watchmen is frequently referred to as the best graphic novel of all time. Heck, It's even included in Time Magazine's 100 best English-language novels from 1923 to the present... the only comic book included in that list! Plus, Zack Snyder ---the same guy who directed 300, directed the film! Certainly it won't be as good as the source material, but I'm pretty sure it's still going to be awesome.



Yup, it's already on my must see movies in 2009 list. :)

Movie Review: The Dark Knight

"Holy fuckin' shit, Batman. The Dark Knight really lived up to the hype!"

Man. I can count the number of times I've been this blown away after watching a movie with the fingers on one hand. The first time was when I saw American Beauty nine years ago. I felt the same way after watching Frailty, Memento, Batman Begins, and now--- The Dark Knight.

Fine... call me extremely BIASED. Because I'm such a huge Batman fanboy. Add the fact that I'm also a huge fan of Christopher Nolan. Alright, the film isn't perfect. The transition on some scenes doesn't flow so smoothly, and if you have short attention span you might find several scenes confusing, dull, or even boring. For action fans, the fight scenes aren't really that intense--- the camera is way too close for you to appreciate the action. For the ultra conservative, okay... the film may be too violent for a PG rated motion picture. For those with nyctophobia, yeah--- some scenes are way too dark. And for the ultra fanboys--- yeah, the movie isn't 100% faithful to the source material. But I never said the film was perfect. A movie doesn't have to be perfect for it to be considered excellent. A movie based on a comic book doesn't have to be 100% faithful to be considered spectacular. For once, a movie did live up to all that hype--- something I didn't expect since I was way too psyched to watch this film, my excitement level practically reached high heavens. I firmly believe that anyone who'll say that this movie is awful aren't capable of distinguishing great movies from crappy movies. There's so much going on onscreen, one viewing may not be enough to really appreciate it. There are a lot of symbolisms and allusions, you'd still be thinking about the things you have seen hours after watching the movie. Clearly, this in not JUST a comic book movie, it's so much more. The word EPIC seems to be an inappropriate word to describe a comic book movie, but in this case, no other word seems to be more fitting.

Definitely 5 stars out of 5!... wait a minute...

make that 10 stars out of 5! :)

Batman: Gotham Knight

Batman: Gotham Knight is the third direct to video release from Warner Premier, the first two being Superman: Doomsday and Justice League: The New Frontier. This film was heavily promoted as a bridge between Batman Begins and its impending sequel, The Dark Knight--- a transitional story of sort. Obviously, this is an attempt to cash in on the anticipation for the sequel's imminent release, very similar to The Animatrix, another direct to video animated film that was released when the Matrix fever was at its peak in 2003. But whereas The Animatrix was a genuine attempt to answer questions and tie up loose ends--- and it did accomplish those goals, Gotham Knight does none of that. The six animated shorts do not really seem to be related to the Batman universe that Christopher Nolan has created. They don't even tie up loose ends from the first movie. Another blatant example of false advertising at its finest. Bridge between Batman Begins and The Dark Knight my ass.

To really appreciate this film, one should take it for what it really is. It's not a transitional story made to bridge the gap between the two films. Granted, the events shown could have happened in the time period between the two movies, but the time line is so vague that the events could have happened at anytime during Batman's life... and since they don't actually contribute anything to enrich the storyline in the first movie, nor do they foreshadow events that would happen in the sequel, it's misleading to refer to this film as transitional. The six animated shorts are simply glimpses in the life of the title character. That doesn't make it bad. For one thing, the animation is top notch. Different teams were assigned to each chapter (featuring top anime creators from Japan!), and although each style is remarkably different from the other, not one chapter was haphazardly done. They created the perfect blend of Japanese and American styles of animation. It's pretty obvious that a lot of effort was made to deliver what we see onscreen. Top writers were recruited to create the storyline for each chapter. While this seemed like a perfect idea on paper, these writers seemed to find it difficult to tell a story that would make a lasting impression. With just 10-15 minutes allotted for each story, who could blame them? The whole film runs for only 76 minutes... it would have been better if they just made each episode longer. The short stories are self contained, and when taken individually, some are pretty boring, but the better chapters, namely chapters 4 and 6, more than make up for them. It's not perfect--- the Batman Animated series shown in the 90's featured more compelling stories, but I would say this is still an above average effort (unlike the previous animated video release from Warner Premiere). Every casual viewer would most probably find something to like. As for Batman fans, this film is enough to whet their appetites a bit before all hell breaks loose when The Dark Knight is released... and that's only 5 days away from today! WOO-HOO!!!

I Am Movie Critic

It's funny how we base our judgment on what we see initially, even before we have the opportunity to judge something in it's entirety. Nope this isn't going to be one of my incredibly pensive, overly somber and dramatic entries. I'm talking about movies! As I've mentioned before, one of my favorite past times when I'm bored is pretending to be a critic. LOL. It's that time of year again, and the Hollywood popcorn movie machine is now on overdrive.

Based on movie trailers I've seen this year, the summer movies that I said I was definitely going to see were Ironman, Hancock, and The Dark Knight. Wanted wasn't one of them. The Movie trailer just wasn't interesting enough--- it looked as boring as Wall-E. Also, the premise looked a little too similar to The Matrix. Even the title of the movie sounded very ordinary.... but because of good word of mouth, I decided to give this film a try--- and I'm very glad I did!

I haven't been blown away by the action scenes and special effects I see on screen ever since The Matrix. Yeah, there was Batman Begins--- but the action scenes in that movie were more straightforward, while the action scenes in Wanted were so slick and stylish--- for lack of a better term, that I couldn't help but stare. There are enough twists and unexpected events to keep you glued to the screen. There's even clever humor to let audiences take a breather from all that action.

There's a lot of action scenes, tons of explosions, tons of blood spilled, there are lots of casualties, and the film even has a killer soundtrack--- what more can you ask in an action movie? This is the best popcorn movie Hollywood has churned out this summer, and it's definitely the action movie to beat this year. 5 stars out of 5!

on the other hand...

I really wanted to see Hancock based on the trailers they've been showing, and I just watched the movie earlier today. Will Smith stars as a drunken, filthy, irresponsible person gifted with superpowers. That doesn't really fit the superhero profile, does it? With such a premise, Hancock had the huge potential to go beyond the usual summer blockbuster movie fare. It could have offered a glimpse inside the mind of a protagonist we're not accustomed to--- the anti-hero character, dissecting his thoughts, his aspirations, his motivations. It could have been an effective deconstruction of the superhero mythos that we've all grown familiar with--- that superheroes aren't perfect; when their powers are taken away, they're just like the rest of us, each with his own nuances, imperfections, idiosyncrasies. Heck, It could have been an in depth study into the human psyche. It did start out strong, and for the first third of the movie you'd think it would live up to that potential--- but somewhere along the way, it flounders. It seems as if the filmmakers didn't really know which direction to take, and it is very evident onscreen. In the end, instead of being extraordinary, Hancock is nothing but ordinary. 3 stars out of 5.

The Dark Knight is Upon Us

Here's the latest, and so far--- the best trailer for The Dark Knight (courtesy of Domino's Pizza! LOL). I can no longer quantify the amount of excitement I have for this movie. Early reviews describe the movie as phenomenal, and I hope my lofty expectations are met. Christopher Nolan has never let me down before, and I'm sure that once again, he's going to deliver. July 18 is almost here and I'm definitely going to be one of those people who are first in line at the IMAX theater! :D

No Such Thing As Quality

Don't they build things that are meant to last these days?! A few months ago I was complaining about the power windows of my now demised Honda Civic, which were malfunctioning just a few months after it was purchased. And now, after just two months, there's something wrong with my Toyota Altis! The radio, which is very essential to me--- it keeps me awake when I'm sleepy, It helps me release tension when I'm pissed, it plays songs that I could sing along with when I'm bored... is malfunctioning! A month after using the car, I noticed that the radio changed radio stations when I turn the steering wheel too hard. I figured there was a glitch in the electrical system, but since such an occurrence could be avoided, I just ignored it. The real problems started about a month ago. All of a sudden, the CD player would eject all CDs even when I'm not doing anything. At first I thought I just accidentally pressed the controls on the steering wheel, but then it happened again when my hands were off the wheel. It didn't happen for about week, so I dismissed it as an isolated glitch. But then it started doing the same thing again--- this time more frequently! And to make matters worse, sometimes the radio would suddenly turn itself off! Then this afternoon, i couldn't even turn the damn radio on! Argh!

Good thing the customer service of Toyota is prompt. They would replace the radio with no additional fee as soon as I bring the car to their service center. It's just so annoying when glitches happen in something that you've just purchased. Either they don't manufacture things like the way they did in the old days, or I'm just extremely unlucky when it comes to cars.

D.N.I., D.N.R.

Do not intubate, Do not resuscitate. Usually, we give relatives of critically ill patients a choice, whether to resuscitate the critically ill patient or not. We explain the patient's case thoroughly, and when we believe that there is no more hope for the patient to get well, we inform the relatives of this option. People have different reasons for not wanting to resuscitate their relatives. Most people say that they do not want their loved ones to experience any more pain and suffering, especially if the illness has been chronic. Their loved one has already gone through enough. I believe others base their decision on their finances... though they do no admit it. I believe most of them really do care for their relatives and they want us to keep trying even when all hope is lost--- they just couldn't afford it. But I get the feeling that some are relieved when we bring up this option--- relieved that their bank accounts could finally take a breather. Whether or not they truly cared for their patient is beyond my perception. I understand how someone could choose not to resuscitate a person they loved deeply when resuscitation could offer nothing more than to prolong the inevitable, and simply result to broken ribs in the process. When all is lost, the best option at times is to let go.

But what if resuscitation can clearly save a patient's life? I understand patients who refuse to give consent--- after all, intubation seems to be a very uncomfortable, even painful procedure. If I was conscious, I doubt if I would give consent myself. But when the patient cannot decide on his own, whether conscious or unconscious, I can't understand how their guardians choose not to resuscitate even when we explain the benefits to them. Why bring these patients to the hospital when they refuse to allow us to perform the appropriate management? At times I'm tempted not to follow protocol and just pretend that the patient has no guardians or relatives so that I could do whatever I must do to try and save a person's life. I couldn't understand the relatives of this one patient who could still speak, who could still walk, who is still capable of emotions--- and yet his relatives ask us outright if they could already sign the form that says that we shouldn't resuscitate the patient in the event that he goes into arrest. I guess I'll never understand why some people behave the way they do.

Last week, another patient came in with difficulty of breathing. Breast Cancer Stage IV, with pleural effusion. Thoracentesis and closed tube thoracostomy done several times. The disease was no longer curable, patient was discharged from where I used to work a week prior, and was told to just let the patient spend the last few days of her life at home with her loved ones. Right off the bat, the patient said she did not want to be intubated. She did not want to have needles injected either, and inserting a chest tube was definitely out of the question. She was quite delirious, screaming and gasping for breath, yet asking for soup, which would definitely quickly ended her misery if her request was heeded. We turned to the relatives, and they said the same thing. They did not want to have any resuscitative measures done, because the patient did not want to. I wouldn't call it ignorance because we kept on explaining everything to them in simple, clear layman's terms. It would be harsh to chalk one up for stupidity, but I could think of any appropriate term. Maybe stubbornness. Maybe weariness. Maybe surrender. There she was, screaming and gasping for breath, and we couldn't do anything--- except watch her slowly die. A few hours later, she finally succumbed to pulmonary arrest---- just when her relatives decided to just bring her home. Maybe we should've just let her have her soup--- at least she would've died with some sense of satisfaction, her last request granted.

I've always thought that I was already numb to the idea of death, having witnessed a number of deaths each day that I am working at the hospital. One patient died, no big deal, just move on to the next. But on that moment, I couldn't help but feel sad. I knew that our hands were tied and it wasn't our fault, but I couldn't help but feel guilty. Maybe we should've tried convincing them more, maybe we should have tried harder. Maybe we should've thrown protocol aside and just pretended that we did not need their consent. Foregoing consent may be deemed unethical--- ignoring the patient's rights, physicians playing God, imposing on others what they believe is best... but for me, the sin of omission seems just as unethical... even more so.

But what do I know? I'm just a hospital employee carrying out orders, following protocol, in a line of work where having a conscience is a sign of weakness. With all the pain, death, and suffering we face each day in our working environment, letting emotions overwhelm you could only lead you to the brink of your own sanity.