Somewhere in the Middle

Currently in Atlanta, Georgia. Just took the exam, and frankly, I'm not sure if i did well. Everything went smoothly, and i was never under a lot of pressure during those seven hours... it's just that I forgot to do a lot of little things. Things that i knew. Things that I remembered immediately after the patient encounter. I would say it was easy. If only I didn't forget to do those little things, I would be more confident. Almost everyone who took the exam with me barely even prepared for it. I guess that's one plus point for me. Gah. I guess i'll know by February. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

It's been a week now since I've left home. Everyday I was calling my grandmother, and every time she's crying as I'm talking to her. A few days before I left, everything was okay. I figured my plans were okay with her. Then when I was about to leave for the airport, when I gave her a kiss and one last hug, she literally broke down. She cried like a baby, I was afraid she was going to have a nervous breakdown and we had to bring her to the hospital again. But I had to leave. Everything was set. It was too late to back down.

She's the one reason pulling me back home. I'm really starting to like it here. I can imagine living here. From what I've seen, everything seems to be better... I know it's not fair to compare, but it really is. I'm not the sentimental type. I can live alone for years. But when I think of my grandmother, I'm having second thoughts.

Based on my own experience with dealing with patients with the same conditions as hers, i would say she has a maximum of two years to live--- and that's a pretty generous estimate. I wish she would live forever, i wish she would still be there when I'm pretty much done with medical training... but to say that she'll still be around after five years is a pretty generous statement. Maybe i should face the fact that it's impossible for me to pay her back, at least materially speaking. But emotionally, maybe i still can. I can't really bear the fact that I'm having a great time halfway around the world, while she's lonely at home. If just being there with her makes her happy, if just being there with her is enough to pay back for everything she has done for me, at least in her point of view... then maybe I should postpone my plans for residency. What's one or two more years in the long run right? And if she passes away while I'm this far from home, i don't think i could bear it. Yet I'm so tired of being in a standstill. Truth is, I'm still torn between my career and my grandmother. I can't go one with my plans without thinking of her. But if her condition worsens, or if she explicitly says that she wants me to be with her throughout all the remaining day of her life... then I would most probably oblige. i f only she'd live to see the day when all this medical training is over, if only she would live to see the day that her dreams would materialize--- to see her grandson become a successful physician... then it wouldn't be this hard. But fate rarely gives us that chance, it rarely paves the way to ideal scenarios. It's a sad fact of life, fate doesn't take kindly to men's wishful thinking. We rarely get what we really want in this life.

Disjointed Accounts

Am I the only one weirded out by all those joint accounts cropping up at various social networking sites? You know, those accounts shared by two people, mostly couples. For one thing, those accounts look and sound stupid. John Mary Smith Watson. WTF, right?! Yeah, those couples do it to express their love for each other, an expression of the what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine adage... but can't they express their affection in other ways? Sharing a single account is just so impractical. For one thing, two people can't share the exact same group of friends. They might share a lot of friends, especially if they're already married, but they can't share all their friends. It's simply impossible. Like those buddies of mine from way back that i haven't been in contact with for years. I've stayed connected with them through email and social networking sites, but i do not know their spouses... and I don't feel comfortable sharing my personal information to people I don't know, even if they're the better halves of my closest friends. Also, it creates confusion when you post something on their wall or comment on something they've posted, only to have a reply made by the other person. You never know for sure who the hell you're talking to! A few weeks ago, I told one of my closest friends what I thought of the account he shared with his wife. He told me I just couldn't relate because I've never been in love with someone as much as he loves his wife. Okay. That was a bit uncalled for, but what the heck. That was that. Until i sent him a private message which was actually pretty harmless, but could be misconstrued by an extremely insecure and jealous person. it was right after we went to a party and we saw his ex girlfriend from 17 years back, who was there with her husband. They talked for a few minutes, together with the girl's husband, while I mingled with the other guests. I left early, and I forgot to say goodbye to them. When i got home, as an afterthought, I sent him a private message. i asked him if he got the girl's number, and if they've already planned a date. LOL. The thought that his wife might read the message first did occur to me, but i assumed that his wife would understand that i was just kidding.

What happened next? My friend didn't get mad at me, even though his wife didn't talk to him for days and demanded that he move out of the house. Well, he got pretty pissed at first, but he knew the message was pretty harmless and it was obviously meant as a joke, so his anger didn't last long. he just told me that he finally understood why joint accounts were stupid. So did he finally create a separate account? Not exactly. He deleted the joint account, and just told his wife to create a new account for herself if she still wants to have a social networking account.

At least that's one less joint account on my list of friends. Only 5 more to go...

The B Side of Life

I got a call from my aunt earlier today. She was asking me to prescribe some medications for my other grandmother--- the one from my mother's side. I asked her what kind of medications. She told me that my grandmother has cough and colds for about a week now. It could be as simple as a common cold which seems to be prevalent these days. Or it cold be the flu. Even worse, it could be pneumonia. It's hard to diagnose someone without seeing that person personally. The circumstances of her illness was even vague. And I can't easily ask her on the phone. She's 87 years old, and about six years ago, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. She could still remember her children, but she couldn't recognize any of her grandchildren anymore. For the past six years, she could no longer recognize me. She doesn't even know that I ever existed. i guess that's why i feel distant, and why I don't feel the urgency to show my love despite her advancing age. Every time a visit her and show signs that I care, she forgets after a few hours, sometimes even minutes. Whether I do something or not, it wouldn't really matter because she wouldn't remember.

I only see her once a year--- During Christmas when we visit her. We used to see her more often, on a weekly basis when we were kids... but for the past 15 years or so, we only see her at our family reunion during the holidays. That's another why I don't feel that close to her. I rarely see her. I'm about to leave in a few days, and since I won't be seeing her this Christmas, I figured I might as well pay a visit. One reason would be to diagnose her properly. The other, would be to say my goodbyes--- even if she probably won't remember. i told my paternal grandma that I'm going to see my other grandma, and she agreed that I should do that. But when The Father heard about this, another episode of his insanity ensued. Since I'll be leaving in three days, and I 'll be gone for almost three months, he told me that I should just stay put in the house. I told him my other grandma is sick and that I had to see her. He then gave me permission--- even though i wasn't asking for his permission.... but of course there was a condition attached. He said that i should be back home in an hour. I told him I had plans to meet a friend. That was when all hell broke loose. He said I did not care at all, that I had no compassion, that i did not know how to set my priorities. The things he said disgusted me immediately, and it clearly showed on my face. He then said i did not have the right to feel angry because all the things that he just said were true. Jesus f*ckin' Christ. What the f*ck was he talking about?! I don't care for my grandmother?! ME?! For the past few months I'm always by her side. Whenever she's hospitalized, I stay with her, instead of just dropping by like my brother and sisters. I rarely go out. Going to the gym three times a week is my only regular social activity, if you can actually call that a social activity. I rarely go out on dates because I can't afford to. Often I only go out with friends when they treat me, because again, I could not afford to splurge. And he has the gall to accuse me of not caring at all? What a stupid asshole. If he has to accuse anyone of not caring, then he should accuse my siblings, who are always out having fun, even when my grandmother is sick. He should throw those accusations at them, because yes, they are present when she's at her worse, but they quickly leave when she shows even the slightest signs of recovery. If he ever feels the need to release his frustrations in life, then he should tell all those things to his other children. I'm always here, and I do whatever she wants. How dare he accuse me.

As always, the best thing to do during his bouts of insanity is to completely ignore him. I left, despite his futile and stupid attempts to prick my conscience, and proceeded to my other grandmother's house. It was quite late already, and when i arrived the whole house was already covered in darkness. I rang the doorbell. My aunt opened the gate. It was huge house, and the only one living there now was my grandmother and my uncle, whose intoxicated most of the time, I would hardly call him reliable. Her other children lived nearby. What's great about her condition is the fact that despite her worsening memory, she can still do almost all activities needed for daily living. I went up the stairs, walked through the dark corridors, towards her room. She was already sound asleep. When I entered the room, I immediately felt pity. She was an old woman, and she lives alone. I woke her up, she smiled even though she didn't know me. She coughed for about a minute, and when she spoke, she didn't seem to be in any respiratory distress. I asked my aunt why didn't bring her to a doctor earlier. She told me that there's no clinic nearby, and she couldn't ride any vehicle ever since she was diagnosed with a severe form of motion sickness a few years ago. As soon as she rides any vehicle, she immediately feels dizzy and vomits incessantly. That was why she no longer had regular check ups. Man, this could be problematic. I auscultated her lungs. I heard crackles on both the lower fields. She also had a slight fever, her blood pressure was elevated, but she was compliant with her anti hypertensive medications, so that really wasn't our concern for now. Based on the physical exam, I diagnosed her with pneumonia. She wasn't experiencing any difficulty of breathing, so i told my aunt that we could treat her at home for now, even though ideally, she should be admitted. I prescribed several medications, and instructed her to watch for worsening of symptoms. As soon as her condition worsens, they should bring her to the hospital immediately.

I was about to leave, then she asked me questions. She asked who i am.When I told her who i was, and when she realized I was her grandson, she laughed. She then offered me some cookies to eat. The same brand of cookies that she always gave us whenever we visited when we were still kids. She reached for the albums by her bedside, and she asked me identify myself in all those pictures. She was smiling all through out. She was happy... the kind of happiness that only nostalgia can bring. She stood up and opened her cabinet, and reached for several paraphernalia... several tokens that she always gave us whenever we were about to leave during each and every one of those visits that we did when we were still little. The place was full of memories, too many stories that would probably make several volumes. When I was about to leave, i kissed her on the cheek, and although she was smiling, I could see the sadness in her eyes. I asked her why she looked sad. She told me she was sad because she wished she could remember me, so that she could be proud of who I am now. She then lied on her bed, and I went out for about a minute to get my things. I went back to her room to say goodbye again... she smiled when she saw me, but the smile that she gave me wasn't the same. Again there was no sense of recognition. Again, she was looking at a stranger. I turned off the lights, said goodnight, and closed the door.

B sides are often referred to those that are of less priority, to those that are less important. But for me, it isn't like that. The B side may be the side that we don't notice immediately, but that doesn't mean that they are made of less quality. Like the B side of any record, there are things that we don't notice immediately, and therefore we give those things less attention, and at times we even take those things for granted. But often these sides house the more genuine aspects, what we would describe as raw. And as with the B side of life, at times the things we encounter take us by surprise, because the B side of life holds unexpected treasures, and at times they hold greater emotions. The B side affects our lives, at times even more than those things that we give more importance. They may not have the glimmer of the finer things in life, but they are as capable of touching our hearts.

In The Doldrums

Yup, I'm still here. I didn't go anywhere. I'm still in this city, in this country, in this place I call home. Yup, I've decided to postpone the exam. And yup, I still don't know what's in store for me in the future. Nothing has changed.

Man, I had everything worked out. I thought my life's blueprint for next year was already final. But yeah, life is so unpredictable. Every now and then something comes along that shatters even the best laid plans.

Family first. That's what one of my friends said as i was asking different people for advice. Family first--- at least when you have to choose between family and career. So what if i miss another year? One year would seem trivial in the long run, although it does seem like such a big deal now. The fact that my grandmother is secretly crying whenever she realizes that i'm about to leave isn't helping. The fact that she was hospitalized again two weeks ago definitely didn't make things easier. One friend said that the fact that my grandma doesn't want me to know that my leaving makes her lonely means that she really wants what's best for me, she does want me to leave for greener pastures abroad. That may be correct, but it doesn't make things any easier.

Postponing the exam was a very difficult decision to make. Because I really wanted to move on with my life already, I wanted to leave the past behind and start anew. I wanted it so desperately, and I was really determined to do that next year. Sure, I could reschedule... that's exactly what I'm doing now. But waiting for an available date before the year ends is a risky endeavor. So far, there's no available date yet. The earliest that I got was December 14. If i don't get an earlier date, the results of the exam may not come out on time. That means another year in the doldrums. For another year, I'll be stuck in a rut.

I decided to postpone my trip even though I was still ambivalent towards the end. Because of that decision, I was present at my grandma's birthday last week, which could probably be her last, as my father puts it. I couldn't find the heart to just pack up and leave, especially since she was the one who paid for the exams, and she's also the one who's funding my trip. Leaving while she was still at the hospital doesn't just make me seem ungrateful. It also makes me seem selfish and uncaring, and I did not want her to think that. Of course my dad could use the same excuse to keep me from leaving as the holidays are approaching, but i feel that's already asking too much from me. I have to go and do something to secure my future. Why is it too hard for him to understand that? He had this well laid out plan for me here, but from his position, the perspective is distorted. A flourishing career for me in this city is next to impossible. That's a fact. Whoever's feeding him all those myths and fantasies that he wholeheartedly believes is grossly mistaken.

Though yeah, because of that decision that i've made, there's still that huge possibility that I'd still be stuck in a rut next year. I'm formulating a Plan B, in case things don't go my way. I'm thinking of taking a job as a resort physician, or maybe a job as a primary care physician in the province. Also, the idea of joining Medicins Sans Frontieres is wildly appealing to me. Before, i was planning to volunteer for MSF once I finished residency. I would get to travel, and at the same time, I'm also giving back. How could i possibly turn down such a sweet deal? But if I don't start residency next year, i'd definitely submit an application since I'd have another year off anyway. Then I'd keep my fingers crossed, hoping that I get selected. Better be doing something productive, instead of sulking at some city job, thinking about what might have and could have been. I'm considering all these options, wildly different from each other, yet in the same way, also similar. One thing's for sure. i can't stay where I am now. I can barely stand where i am now, and i doubt if I can stand another year of this. I know family is important, and I know I can stay beside my grandmother for another year and show her how much i care--- but for the sake of my own sanity, I need to get away from all this, even for just a few months. I'm so tired of staying in the doldrums. I'm so tired of the way I'm living my life now.