Why Should I Be Sad

Yesterday, I did some voluntary work. A friend invited me to one of the charitable activities his organization had planned for the Christmas season. We went to a government hospital and gave out several goods and supplies to the indigent patients. It was heart warming to see their smiles, to hear their thanks, to feel their embrace. Nothing can match the feeling one gets when he realizes that he was able to give a helping hand. That was a great experience. It put me right back on track.

Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost sight of my target. I have been disillusioned. Several distractions have made me mistake my goal for something else. The whole experience reminded me of why I chose the path that I’ve previously taken in the first place. Why did I choose to work in this country, in the land of my birth, when my peers have been leaving in truckloads? Because I preferred to serve my own countrymen--- that was what I said then. It may be true that there are places around the world that are also in dire need of medical help, but why should I go elsewhere when there are already people who can use my help here? And why did I choose to work in a government hospital as opposed to working in a private hospital, where the working conditions are more humane and comfortable? Because I wanted to reach out to those who were mostly in need of help. I wanted to reach out to those who have nothing, to those who have little to turn to. To the oppressed. To the members of society that are largely ignored or looked down upon.

That was my train of thought a year ago.

Somewhere along the way, I’ve looked for other motivations. I began to think of monetary benefits. I equated my work with salary, and was disappointed by the fact that we were grossly underpaid. I’ve let extraneous factors, such as conflicts with other residents and dismay at the rotten system dampen my drive. I never got into this line of work because of money. Although it's great to be able to buy the things I want with what I earn, it wasn't all about the money. Even if I did not really want to be in this profession in the first place, I continued walking along this path because I wanted to help. I knew from the very start that I wouldn’t be getting much in return, but I went through that path because money wasn’t my primary concern… but when I reached the boiling point, what did I do? I took the easy way out. I resigned. Because I said I was no longer happy with what I was doing. I’ve let those other factors distort my definition of happiness. A lot of good that did. I can’t change a rotten system by leaving it. I won’t be able to help anyone by abandoning them. I was a coward. Instead of facing those trials head on, I opted to cop out.

I felt a tinge of regret as I realized that. Even more when i saw familiar faces, my previous co workers who still looked beat from all the work being dumped on them. But they looked happy, probably because the year is about to end, or partly because what they said was somehow true--- that they've missed me terribly and they were happy to see me after such a long time. One thing is evident--- They never lost their drive, while I have lost mine. I made my decisions haphazardly. I’ve let certain emotions cloud my way of thinking. When I visited the department again yesterday, that put the nail in the coffin. Although I resigned months ago and I knew it was inevitable--- they finally updated the roster of residents by the entrance to the wards. It included the list of incoming residents, and though my name was still there last week, now it was no longer there. It wasn’t unexpected, and it was foolish to think that they’ll never remove it--- they should have removed my name months ago… but somehow I was overcome with great sadness.

Why should I be sad? Is it because of “what could’ve been”? If I didn’t quit I would already be an incoming second year resident. Maybe if I accepted that last minute offer from our training officer, if I answered “no” when he asked me if I was sure that I really wanted to leave… if I told him the truth, that I really wasn’t sure about leaving… if I just swallowed my pride and admitted that… then maybe I wouldn’t feel so lost. Why am I so sad? Is it because it’s finally official and tangible, that I am no longer part of the “family”? The past few months since my resignation may not have been a burst of sunshine--- although I was in crisis and spent most of my waking hours wrestling with my thoughts and trying to drown it all out with alcohol, it wasn’t all doom and gloom. I did have fun. I went to parties and did things that would feel awkward for me to do after residency when I’m already in my 30’s. Call it the last hurrah of my youth. I don’t want to be that pathetic guy in his 30’s trying to be an eternal 20 something. I’ve met new people. I tried new things. I’ve rekindled past friendships. And most importantly, I had time to think. I wouldn’t exactly call the past few months a waste.

Why should I feel sad? This was what I wanted then. It was a decision I’ve made, and I stuck with it. It may not have been the best choice, but I thought it was best at that time. i wanted out. I wanted to leave. I wanted to work elsewhere. And every time I wondered if I made the right decision, all I had to do was read the entries on this blog from January to August of this year… then I would remember how unhappy and miserable I was back then. I thought I was in hell. I quit because I was no longer happy, and I believed no one should keep working in a place where he does not find happiness and fulfillment. Call me an Idealist, surrealist, unrealistic. I though that quitting would make me happy… yet here I am, still far from what people would call happy.

In just a few more days, we’re about to say goodbye to the year 2007--- from one point it’s a year I’ve wasted… from another point of view, it’s a year of testing the waters, a year of awakening, a year of sorting out my priorities. It’s all a matter of perspective. Focusing on the negative can only bring me down. Why should I be sad when there are a lot of things to be happy about? The new year ushers in new opportunities, a chance to start over. A clean slate, wherein the mistakes of the previous year has no bearing. Once again I return to the starting point, re-energized. Hopefully this time, no stumbling blocks can hinder me from reaching the finish line.

I shouldn’t be sad just because an episode in my life has ended. I should be happy because I’m about to start a new beginning. But at times like this when my mind is still riddled with doubt and confusion, I can’t help but see the glass as half empty instead of half full. And I still can’t figure out exactly why I am so sad.