Great Expectations

I found this thing buried beneath all my junk yesterday. It’s one of those tags they put on newborn babies for the purpose of proper identification. It was MY tag. It was given to me by my mom a few years ago, among with other mementos from my childhood--- including hair from my very first haircut, would you believe. She thought I might want to keep those. Yeah, I’m a sentimental fool so I kept them. I wouldn’t dare throw away such irreplaceable relics.

Approximately an inch in diameter... It’s somehow hard to believe that my wrist used to be THAT small. Surreal. Funny how things rarely turn out the way we want them to be. Funny how things rarely reach our expectations, funny how the hands of fate can make the outcome the complete opposite of what we hoped and wished for. More than 27 years ago, who would’ve thought that I would be like this in the future. When every child is born, parents are filled with dreams and hope. What they think would be ideal life for their child. The perfect life in a perfect world--- probably the epitome of wishful thinking, but parents can’t help but hope for the best. I bet my parents never thought I’d grow up to be such a disappointment.

Two weeks ago my mother started talking to me about work... which was unusual because she was usually silent when this topic came up. Saying stuff about my future... she doesn’t want me to become like my uncle who spent many years in school, working hard to be a lawyer--- and still amounted to nothing after all that work. She asked me if I would consider working in this other hospital because her brother has some influence on the place. She said she could help me and she could accompany me if I wanted to. I said NO THANKS. That's it. Just two simple words, but built like some emotional dagger when combined. I felt guilty afterwards. The first time she tried to be proactive in the occupational aspect of my life, something that she probably thought about for a long time before she actually decided on doing--- and I just brushed her off. She didn’t bring up the topic again. She didn’t get mad... but the look of disappointment in her eyes was something that cannot be denied. It was that evident.

Unexpected--- my dad changed his strategy. He seemed to have realized that the imposing dictator persona wouldn’t work. Now he seemed to be in a begging mode. I’m aware of how huge his pride is... to resort to what looked like begging was really something. Sentimental mode... talking about my future. How he only wants what’s best for his children. That he wouldn’t stop trying until we’re all doing fine... until he can see that we’re all stable at least, he wouldn’t stop until we’re having the good life. Extremely cheesy words that would normally nauseate me.

Unexpected--- Those cheesy words seem to have affected me. Normally I would’ve disregarded such a shift in his attitude as one of his strategies, hoping that I would be gullible enough, hoping that he would be able to manipulate me into doing what he wanted. But the words seemed genuine enough. I thought I could sense sincerity. I could sense disappointment. My mother a few days before, and now him. We have many differences, and for most of my life I was indifferent to him--- if I did not hate him outright. But ultimately, all parents only want what’s best for their child. They just differ in their means, and some means are easier to swallow than others. Some may be misguided by their false beliefs, but every parent just strives for what they think is best. Even when parents don’t see eye to eye with their children, no parent wants to see their children turn out to be disappointments. No parent would want their children to be such failures in life.

It’s hard to live up to such great expectations.