The Outsider

There are times when I feel so out of place, like I belong somewhere else. Sometimes I feel that I'm not the person that I should be... i can't seem to figure out my purpose in this life because I'm not living the life I wanted.

Through med school, I'm surrounded by people who seem to have a clear purpose. Most of them knew what they wanted to be, and they're on the road leading to their destination. There were very few kindred souls who have gone astray like me, but most chose to stop the charades early in the journey. I was one of the few lost souls who chose to finish. Many times i envied them. Their drive, their energy, their dedication, their goals. They had the constant supply of energy to draw from because they were on the road to their dreams. No matter how hard it became, they can miraculously draw some strength by focusing on their target. Med school was just one rocky road--- no trials are insurmountable for a person determined to reach his goals. There's a constant supply of inspiration when you like what you're doing... even moreso when you are aware that every step leads you towards your ambition in life.

Even during residency I felt like an outsider. There were moments when I really liked what I was doing-- most especially when I knew that I was able to give help to those who are less fortunate. But like most things done halfheartedly, what was once fun turned into a chore. How I wished I felt like some of my co-residents, who didn't mind every trial they went through because they were on the way to fulfill their dreams. Each succeeding operation never became trite, no matter how many times they were repeated. Patients brought in during the wee hours of the morning gave them excitement instead of dread. Every operation was seen as an opportunity for learning, and not as another exercise in redundancy. How I wished I had the same dedication so I no longer needed to pretend. How I wish my smiles were as genuine as theirs. How I wish that like them, I chose the life that I wanted to live, so I wouldn't feel so miserable, that mere consultations from friends can start to irritate me when they reach a certain point. How I wish becoming a doctor was my dream, so I wouldn't get pissed every time my sickly grandmother cries out complaints daily, even hourly. If this is the life I wanted, I wouldn't mind monitoring her blood pressure constantly. i wouldn't mind friends asking me never ending questions about health. i wouldn't view circumstances such as those as constant reminders that I've picked the wrong path, I've made the wrong choice. I wish this was my dream, this was my ambition. Stuck in a medical career, I'm in a world full of strangers... pretending to be one of them, one with the team spirit when in truth I'm in the wrong team. If only I chose to be true to myself and refused to be dictated upon, then maybe i wouldn't feel like I'm in the constant company of strangers. If i listened to my own voice instead of somebody else's, then maybe I wouldn't feel like such an outsider.