The End of an Era

Yesterday, I finally had my resignation papers signed by my immediate superior and by the department head. I should have done it weeks ago, but it was quite difficult to find the people who were supposed to sign the stupid paper. Both of them asked if I was sure. Deep inside, I know that i wasn't sure. It was still 50-50. Half of me wants to go back, the other half wants to leave. Of course I couldn't say that. It would probably lead to lengthy discussion. I said i was sure, just to get it over with. They asked why, and i can't seem to think of a proper answer. Heck, I couldn't think of the right answer. I couldn't tell them about the events that transpired before I finally called it quits--- even I think what happened was loony. I just blurted out something generic... something so generic it had to be believable.

I know I haven't been reporting for duties for more than three weeks now, but it was only yesterday that I've had the realization that this is it--- I have resigned. It's final. There's no turning back. As the secretary in the personnel division crossed out my name from the list of employees, in front of my very eyes, I couldn't help but feel--- sad. Maybe there's even a hint of regret there. I thought I'd feel indifferent. Maybe because I never really wanted to leave, at least I wasn't a hundred percent sure about my decision. Yeah, I'm glad I've been eating and sleeping well for the past three weeks, I even had a social life again. But there's this part of me that still wants to stay... the part who remembers how much I wanted to get accepted in the Surgery program a year ago...The part who remembers how competitive I was back then, how hard I tried to impress the seniors and consultants just so that I could get in... the part who remembers how hard it was to complete the requirements... the part of me who swore tat he would treasure becoming a medical officer, knowing all the hardships I encountered along the way.

It's been a crazy month. If I didn't wake up late o that fateful Saturday morning, i would probably still be awake at this ungodly hour, assisting some operation, checking up on patients at the wards, or attending to some patients at the emergency room, instead of staring at my laptop's screen as I'm slowly typing these words.

It's funny. When I got home earlier, my parents suddenly changed their tune. They want me to go back. Huh?! Why only now? After 3 weeks of being a bum, it's only now that they're trying to convince me. Turns out they had this long talk with my grandmother's physician when they accompanied her during her check up earlier. The bottom line was, it was explained to them that what I encountered was fairly common, quitting was a mistake, and there's no better place to undergo training--- at least that's his opinion. Also, just a few hours after I submitted the resignation papers, the chief resident called. He was going to convince me to go back, but I told him I already submitted the resignation papers. The timing was so funny, if I was in the proper mood I would have laughed out loud. Again, why only now? After three weeks, and just when I made my resignation formal. There's no turning back. I've put the nail in the coffin. There's no use brooding if leaving was a mistake or not, because there's nothing I could do about it. What's done is done.

I hope I'll be making the right decisions in the future... I hope I'll pick the right path. I need some form of enlightenment, because after three weeks of doing nothing, I've had all the time needed to think and decide--- and still, I don't know what I really want to do with my life.

It's the end of an era... maybe it's an era that shouldn't have ended so abruptly. Still, I have to move on to the next one, and hope that things will be much better.

Holier Than Thou

There he goes again.

I've only begun going to church again for the past 2 Sundays. I know, i don't really like going to Church--- what's the use of attending a ceremony when I don't fully believe in the Catholic Faith. But even if I wanted to I simply didn't have time. On most Sundays during the past seven months I'm on duty at the hospital. And when I can go home on Sundays, all the churches are already closed.

I remember that one of the reason's why I grew tired of going to church was our parish priest--- the epitome of a corrupt, selfish man, using religion as an excuse for his motives. Last Sunday, he was at it again. Sometime during the past month, he ordered the whole altar to be torn down--- even if there was nothing wrong with it. It was only two years old, definitely far from decay. I even found it too beautiful--- grand... extravagant even, with it's shiny gold decor and various shiny ornaments. Man criticized him. What the heck was wrong with the previous altar?! And now he's asking all the parishioners for more money to build a new one? His excuse, which made up the most part of his homily, was so fuckin' flimsy, I would've raised my my hands and thrown expletives t him out of sheer disgust, if only my ultra conservative grandparents weren't around. He said it's his "mission" to keep on beautifying the altar. It's true, the previous altar, which HE DESIGNED (notice the self promotion there), was already beautiful. But he believed he can make it more beautiful for the Lord. Hence, the previous altar was torn down to make a new one. What a ton of Hogwash. What a load of Bullshit! It's so obvious the he probably profits from all the renovations he's doing, doing negotiations in secret with all those contractors. That's why there are always renovations going on in the church. It never tops. And just when there's nothing left to fix, let's just tear down something and replace it with a better looking one! Woo hoo! I wonder if the Lord approves such garish displays of wastefulness. Does he really want us to keep on beautifying the church to honor him, when the money can be put to better use--- say, buying food and clothing for the less fortunate parishioners around the area?!

Geez, and he keeps wondering why lesser and lesser people have been hearing mass at HIS church. Others have simply transferred to other churches, while some choose not to attend at all. They've been turned off by the selfishness and greed that are so rampant with the so called leaders of the Catholic church. And they have the nerve to point our every sins, and give sermons like we are on the verge of becoming outcasts. Christ, what hypocrites.

The Bourne Ultimatum

Yup, it has been showing at local cinemas for more than a week, and i have been ignoring it. It just looked... unappealing. I haven't watched The Bourne Identity, and though I've seen The Bourne Supremacy, and found it fairly enjoyable, i thought it was nothing extraordinary--- maybe because I only watched it in my laptop during one of those benign duties during my clinical clerkship. I know that The Bourne Ultimatum is an action movies, but i though that it would be one of those incredibly talk type of action movie, with lengthy expositions that bog down the action sequences. Reviews saying it's an intelligent action movie further lessened my interest. Plus, it has been years since I've seen the second movie in the series. I might get lot in all that talk because I seem to have retained very little of the back story.

There's a lack of quality movies in cinemas these days--- and since some friends have been recommending this movie, i went ahead and watched it. I'm so glad I did! I was literally blown away! I haven't seen an action movie like this in years! Every action scene felt very real, and there are so many action sequences, each one of them capable of taking one's breath away. Sure there are narrative sequences, but they don't get in the way of the action. They complement each action scene by building the suspense. I loved the movie so much, I'm planning to watch the first movie, and watch the second movie again, on DVD. I might have missed out on a lot of stuff. This is one movie where the critics and ordinary viewers agreed--- everyone seems to recommend this movie! If I were a legitimate critic, I'd give this movie 5 stars out of 5. Highly recommended!

When Caring Becomes Secondary

I knew it. She was going to die, eventually.

She shouldn't have been operated on. It defied logic. She had intestinal cancer with multiple metastasis to the liver. They may have reasons for persuading the patient to undergo metastasectomy, but I'm pretty sure it's not for the good of the patient.

As far as I know, the fact that there are multiple metastases is a contraindication for operation. If there's just a single primary tumor, by all means remove it. If there are some metastasis and they're all resectable, then remove those too--- it could result to permanent cure after all. But were those liver masses really resectable? Removing them entailed removing huge chunks of liver tissue... and judging from the outcome, it was a bad decision overall. Never mind the fact that I shelled out a huge amount of money because the relatives could no longer afford the endless need for more supplies. Intraoperatively, they found it hard to control the bleeding. There was also an iatrogenic injury to one artery. The patient was dangerously hypotensive, even several days after the operation. Several re-operations were necessary because of continued internal bleeding.

What made them decide to operate on the patient, who was previously active and looked fairly healthy if not for the cancer that was gradually eating through her system? It was a showcase for that visiting foreign physician. There was no other patient available for him to operate on, for him to show us this far advanced method of operation. How advanced was it? From my standpoint, the only glaring difference was the exorbitant cost. The outcome was arguably much worse. We promised a cure, and we only hastened her death. Was a cure possible? If she was not operated on, she would still die eventually because of the disease, but the probably would have had more months, probably years to live. The way the case was handled was unethical. I know it was unethical, yet there I was, just a first year resident, who's voices are never really heard, and opinions set aside--- I felt powerless at i simply watched the whole tragedy unfold in front of my eyes. And as the resident in charge of the patient i was the one the family of the patient frequently talked to. I heard all their troubles, doubts, weariness. They sought out all means to produce money as they tried to save their patient's life with numerous blood transfusions, medications, lab exams... with the hope that the patients life will be saved if they remained vigilant. Because all the doctors were telling them that going through the operation was the right choice. The patient will be cured. The patient will be saved.

It was hard to keep a straight face as my seniors kept telling them more and more lies. It was harder to keep a straight face when I was the one telling those lies just to reaffirm the statements of those seniors, and to reassure and comfort the relatives... to tell them everything was all right, everything was under control. Even though I know it wasn't. Even though I was aware that it was a wrong decision to begin with.

Many times, it seemed that the only thing that's important was to get the patients inside the operating room no matter what. Even if they were not ready for operation, when operation involved huge risks and it would do more harm than good. Many times we fight with anesthesiologists because they refused to induce anesthesia due to inadequate pre-operative preparation. We fight with them even when we know they're right, just so we can start the operation. Many times, we just view these patients as simply instruments for learning. We do not care for them at all. We just want to learn, saving lives become secondary. We tell ourselves that we care, that we want to help, but in truth, the only people that we want to help is ourselves.

Just yesterday, I heard that the patient died. After a long battle, she eventually gave in. I made the right decision. What I was back there wasn't me at all. I know myself, I know who I am. i refuse to take part in such a rotten system any longer.

This Bum's Life

When I resigned from work, I thought I'd finally have some fun. Going out every night, watching movies, drinking with friends, or simply just hanging out. A few hours ago, I wanted to go somewhere... anywhere. I'd rather go to any place as opposed to staying at home and be bored to death. I tried to think of someone who'll be willing to keep me company. I realized my choices were limited. Most of my close friends either have work or already out of this country. Friends from years back? forget it. Either they already have families of their own or they think they're too old to be going out at night. Come to think of it, I may be getting too old for this sort of thing. I just have this illusion that I'm still part of the Youth because I'm still dependent on my parents for almost everything. Being a "bum" isn't much fun when there are no fellow bums to keep you company.

You Don't Have to Speak

You don’t have to speak,
For your eyes say so much more.
You don’t have to speak.
It doesn’t matter anymore.

The cross that you carry,
Its weight not yours alone to bear.
If grave deeds were done,
I choose not to care.

The verdict of this world
Together we will face
Your crime against me
I am willing to erase

In this world of silence,
As everything remains still,
As we’re frozen in time,
I promise you I will.

I held your hands,
Wiped the tears from your eyes.
All that I Am and will be,
I will sacrifice.

I press my lips against yours...
You don’t have to speak.

08/17/07

Twisted

There must be something really wrong with someone who thinks it's alright to pay for sex, trying to justify the act as some sort of perverted charity work, but chooses to ignore that 5 year old kid knocking at his cars window shield, trying to sell him some flowers at 11 PM.

I used to keep myself from giving money from beggars because if people continued to give them money, they won't get the initiative to get jobs, they'd forever rely on begging. And that kid, who may even be less than five year old wasn't begging. He was working. At 11:00 in the evening. And i just drove away, even a little annoyed.

What the hell has happened to me?! I wasn't always this... cold.

I may not be religious, but I always thought that deep inside, I am a good person. But for the past months, something has changed. Maybe it's being exposed to a huge number of less fortunate people--- you have to learn to ignore them, you must not show pity, with the risk of getting bankrupt. Maybe it's having days without sleep and food, that you begin to get cranky and you can't help but shout at all these people constantly asking for your help, even if for the simplest things... without realizing that they're asking for your help because you are the only one around who can actually help them.

These past few days, I've been tempted to go back to PGH. Maybe I just miss the work, the people I work with. Maybe it's because after consecutive nights of going out and trying to live my life to the fullest, I've discovered that there's nothing else to do. Maybe it's the simple fact that I have no work yet that I've been craving for the abuse that my body got used to. And I've discovered the remedy to eliminate such thoughts--- I'd just simply think of the things I hated about the place, and the urges disappear in an instant.

I don't understand why we have to fight with the anesthesiologists and operating room nurses even at those times that they're the ones who are clearly right. Many times, all surgeons think about is getting the patients inside the operating room no matter what. Maybe some consultants are at fault here, pressuring the residents to meet certain quotas. I don't understand why we always run out of supplies, why we keep on shelling out for our patients needs, when clearly there are funds for hospital operations, exemplified by the numerous renovations. Why can't they allocate funds properly? Why do our seniors expect us to do unrealistic tasks and produce certain needs in an instant, when they were first year residents not so long ago, and I'm sure they are aware of how unrealistic their demands are? Why is the service in the private divisions just as lousy as the service they give the charity divisions, when these patients are actually paying for their service? Why does it entail so much work to do simple tasks like getting blood for patients, getting an x-ray, CT scan, or several lab work ups done? Why do we have to practically beg each department head, treat them as Kings and Queens just to get our jobs done? Why all that bureaucracy, what's with all the red tape? Why is the system so fucked up?!

So what if a lot of my peers who are looking for work think it's the hospital of choice for residency in this country? That I shouldn't have given up on such a prized position so easily? That's no reason to come back--- it's like saying I wanted to come back because a lot of people want my job, and not because I really want my job. Maybe they think of it as a very sought after occupation because they haven't actually experienced working in the place.

Every time I regret leaving, I just try to imagine myself working their again, and the things I don't like about the work would show their ugly heads. Sure, it wasn't all bad, but the bad things really eclipse the good things. And as showed by what happened as I was driving around the other night, I don't like what working in the place has tuned me into. I've become cold. Numb. I can only imagine how horrible I'd become if I finished the five year program.

Wrong Move?

Last night, I went to my friend's farewell party--- yup, another one's leaving for the United States. I expected it to be a night of drinking, where everyone will be in a festive mood, then slowly turning sentimental as the night progressed, because we'd soon say farewell to a dear friend... I never thought it would leave me in deep thought about the things I've been trying hard not to confront these past few days.

EMPLOYMENT: yup, it has been on my mind before I went to the party, because I had a ton of questions to ask several of the people attending. Those people taking up residency somewhere usually don't have time to attend parties, so that leaves the people who are unemployed, those who haven't taken the boards yet, and those who are "moonlighting".

MOONLIGHTING--- that's the term we call those young physicians who have work other than residency. And for young physicians, moonlighting is where the money is, not residency. They get jobs here and there--- there are actually a lot of options. They can go on duty several days a week at a certain hospital, usually those municipal or provincial hospitals where there are no residents, and they're free to choose a schedule that's convenient to them. Every procedure, even for just inserting an IV line, you get paid. So it's okay when it gets hectic, because the more hectic it is, the more money you'll earn. Some work as general practitioners at company clinics,, pre-employment clinics, etc. You can even work as a research assistant. One friend even said you can actually get into a lot of non med related professions because as soon as they see that medical degree, they'd think you were someone whose really brainy. Lol. Most juggle duty work at more than one hospital, thus translating to more money. As one friend told me--- moonlighting is great. You control the schedule, it can be as benign as you want it to be--- plus, there's lots and lots of money.

Coming from a job where most of my earnings go to my patients and my seniors and not to my personal war chest, can anyone blame me for wanting to earn money? A lot of my questions were answered, and I got really excited. I wanted to apply for work ASAP. Then as the evening progressed, the talks turned to plans for residency. Turns out it's the time of year when hospitals are accepting applicants for residency, and all of them are in the process of applying. Suddenly I felt out of place. The topic was something I could relate to--- a year ago. It seems that a year of moonlighting is enough for them. I can't help but feel that I'm a little bit late in the moonlighting game. I should have done it a year ago, then I probably would've have felt so burned out as I was during residency. Most take a year off after taking the board exams, so why didn't I? Hearing that their hospital of choice was PGH sent even more chills down my spine. Is this another one of the many wrong moves I've made in this life?

One of my friends said: "moonlighting is great--- it really is. It's benign, you can do a lot of other things, plus there's money. When moonlighting, you feel like you can't lose. You can live the life you want. You're in control. But there comes a point when you'll feel the need to grow. When moonlighting, you do have time, you do have money, but you're in a standstill. Sooner or later, you'll feel the need to learn more, and you can only have that when you take up residency."

Great. Just great. My life is full of uncertainties as it is, and I still keep making one wrong decision after another... Maybe I haven't made a wrong move after all, I just feel that way because I feel left out... Have I been hasty in my decision to pack up and leave the residency program that I've worked so hard to get into a year ago? i remember how happy I was when I received the letter that I've been selected for the program. Was it wrong to give it all up after just seven months of torture? An even bigger question remains, as if to punctuate the uncertainty that I'm feeling. Where will I take up residency instead? No other hospital seems attractive. I just can't see myself anywhere else. I feel like someone who has lost his identity.

Why do I waste brain matter trying to find answers to such questions... I can't do anything about it anyway. I've been gone for way too long, I can't go back even if I wanted to.

Tomorrow, I'm making it official. I'm finally submitting the resignation papers that I've already filled out last week.

10 Years

I had lunch with one of my high school friends two days ago. It's been years since we last saw each other. A day before I quit, I managed to admit her uncle in PGH --- why they chose PGH I'll never know, because if I had money I will never have myself admitted at the private rooms knowing how lousy the service is. Even if it was for free I'd still choose another hospital. Anyway, as a sign of gratitude, she said she wanted to meet so she can give me the carrot cake that she baked especially for me. Wow, she's gone a long way from baking oatmeal cookies for me way back in high school. lol. As I remembered how much I loved the stuff she cooked and baked, I happily obliged.

We had lunch and coffee afterwards, which stretched for about four hours. It was great catching up. The talk was nostalgic, if a bit bittersweet. Man, it has been 10 years since we've graduated form high school. How different are we now? What have we accomplished? For one thing, we're both unemployed at this time. lol. She took up engineering in college, majored in robotics--- a field which she had no interest in whatsoever. All that education wasn't really wasted she said--- it gave her a sense of accomplishment. What she really wanted to do was cook. So after some odd jobs here and there for several years, she opened her own small diner more than a year ago--- which she had to give up because the work was too tiring for just one person, and the business wasn't making much money. Such is the sad reality--- work that makes us happy are usually not practical in this life. Now she's doing small catering jobs occasionally,and the money she earns she gives back to her parents, because she still owed them a huge sum for that business venture she did last year. At least on the outside, she looked as happy as she said she is.

As for me, i know where those 10 years went. Four years in college--- which was great, if only for the great friends I've met, even if I felt like i was enrolled in the wrong course. Four years in med school, where I felt even more lost--- thank God I've met new friends whom I can count on for support during those years of uncertainty. A year in internship, where I fell in love with that government hospital despite its numerous shortcomings--- not everything can be seen by a lowly intern, when hospital life can still be viewed through rose colored glasses. Half a year of being a bum, trying to enjoy life to the fullest--- that period of time when you're no longer a student, the time before you're employed. Seven months as a first year resident in surgery... then I decided to quit. Now I'm unemployed again. I bet no one that I knew from high school saw that coming. An honor student in high school, unemployed after 10 years. Come to think of it, a number of us who belong to the honors class are unemployed, or stuck in ordinary, run off the mill jobs---- far from the stellar careers everyone projected years ago.

A decade is a long time. I can't help but feel that the last 10 years of my life, despite those sporadic great moments, were somehow--- wasted. All that work, all that effort... only to end up where I am now.

Funny how 10 years ago, when we were asked by our teachers how we see ourselves ten years in the future, we always viewed ourselves as successful in our chosen fields, how we viewed the future as ideal, the way we hope things will be.

10 years ago, I never would have thought I'd be a person who has a physician's license, but unemployed because at the ripe age of 27 he still has no clue on which direction he's going to take in his life.

10 years ago, I said I'd be someone content--- because he has accomplished the things he wanted to accomplish at that point in his life.

the self righteous and the hypocrite

Now I remember one reason why applied for residency in surgery in PGH even though I was aware of how unphysiologic the work can get.

I wanted to keep some distance from my family.

I hope I'm not sounding ungrateful here, but when I'm with them everyday, I feel shackled. Strangled, even. Maybe it's caring too much, when my grandmother gets so nervous when I'm out with friends and I'm not home by 12 midnight, or when she gets so agitated as I cross the street--- EVEN AT MY CURRENT AGE. OR when they need to remind me of things that I already know, of things that I'm aware that I'm supposed to do and I'm just taking my time, or when then bug me about things that they think they know better. geez. That's the same reason why I wanted to take the USMLE as soon as i graduated years ago---if I remain in this country, I'll forever feel shackled.

If there's one good change that happened in me during the last seven months, it's that I learned to miss my family. I actually longed for their company. I looked forward to those weekends when I can go home early because that's when I get to spend some time with them, usually over dinner. With my schedule, I never got to see them on weekdays because by the time I get home, almost everyone is asleep, and I usually leave when everyone is still asleep. When i go home during weekdays, I usually stay at home for 4 hours maximum, which isn't really going home at all. I chereished every moment, because for the past few months, it didn't feel like i was in chains. Maybe because for the past few months, I was receiving just the right amount of family care and attention, or maybe even less than the minimum amount.

Now all that longing and craving are gone.

What's with all the fuss with this bruise that they saw on my shoulders. Jumping to conclusions as to how I got it, that I was in a fight, applying unorthordox external medications... crap, I'm no four year old who can't care for a simple bruise. Wht's with my grandmother just sitting in my room just watching me... or is it staring... then occasionally patting my head, runnnig her fingers through my hair... and what's with the persistent voices that keep on telling me to eat and eat so that I could gain back all the weight I lost, what's with all the food being shoved at my side of the dining table.... man, can't I eat when I want to eat? can't I decide what I wan't to eat? And the self proclaimed head of the family, possibly one of the biggerst hypocrites I know, keep on pestering me with his sermons and so called sound advice, and showing how he's so pissed when Im not paying much attention--- on how I should decide what I want to do immediately, I can't take too much time off, I should submit the proper resignation papers now, on how I can't be unemployed for too long.... all this coming from a man who has been umemployed almost all my life.

Talk about hypocrisy.

Or maybe it's sound advice coming from a man who has more experience, not wanting his son to commit the same mistakes?

Yeah right. I'm willing to bet it's simply the former. He's right about one thing though. I really have to get a new job ASAP, if only to get away from it all, to release myself from the shackles. God knows I don't need any more motivation. Just thinking that I might become just like Mr. Hypocrite here is incentive enough.

...and here's another one

I'm back to making multiple posts a day! woohoo! And... surprise, surprise! it's another review! All this free time can be so exhilarating! ...a bit of sarcasm there.

The last movie I saw was... Hairy Putter and the Order of the PHEW-nix.I didn't really want to watch it because:

1) I slept through the past four movies, especially part 3 which was really really really really boring--- or maybe that was part 2. Anyway, i didn't sleep much during part four, maybe because there was much more happening, or maybe the fact that someone died in a Harry Potter movie made it exciting. I guess that makes it the best in the series in my opinion.

2) I simply refuse to take part in the whole Harry Potter Mania. Maybe because i never found it interesting. I'm not one of those many people who got into the whole harry potter craze not because they really liked it, but because everyone else seemed to liked it. I watched the past four movies not because I wanted to, but because my friends wanted to, and they asked me to watch it with them. Peer pressure, as some might call it.

3) I was saving up for something and I didn't want to waste my money. And based on the above mentioned reasons, watching another one of those movies, FOR THE FIFTH TIME, is clearly a waste of hard earned money.

... but during the blur of the past month, watching movies was still a luxury for a first year resident in surgery. And that was one of the days when I was able to come home early, not on the usual ungodly hours... and when I went to the mall with my family, we passed by the cinemas and there was absolutely nothing showing that piqued my interest--- except for transformers, but I saw that already (and it was phenomenal!). We passed by the IMAX theater. I've always wanted to watch a movie in an IMAX theater, but I never had the chance to watch one when my schedule permitted it. And with my schedule then, it would probably take 5 years before I get to watch a movie in an IMAX theater, and by then there would probably better theatres than an IMAX one... The film showing was Harry Potter. Yeesh. What the heck, that was the chance to watch an IMAX movie, so I did.

How did I find the movie? I still found it boring. Plus our proximity to the screen made me dizzy... I felt dizzy as I entered the theatre, actually, because of it's weird architectural design, probably to convey the feeling of being in 3D... but that has nothing to do with the movie, right? Maybe it takes a certain type of person to appreciate these movies. I am biased since I never liked the whole mythos, so I can enumerate a ton of faults. Unlike the previous installment, not one scene has piqued my interest. The 3D scenes seemed to be added at the last minute. To keep things short--- I had more fun watching those 3D IMAX trailers before the movie started than the movie itself.

My money didn't really go to waste... those 3D trailers were really--- trippy. lol. I was so amused by the novelty of it all. hehe. I'm definitely watching another IMAX movie in the future--- some movie I'm interested in, so I'll have my money's worth. :)

Heroes: Season 1

Pretending you're a critic--- one of the many ways to pass time when you have nothing else to do.

I've just finished watching the first season of Heroes, and my immediate thought was--- "that's it?!" It's still one of the best TV shows i've seen in recent years, almost up there with Alias and 24 when it comes to keeping my eyes glued to the screen, but the finale kept me wanting more. I can't help but feel that there was so much that could've been done. With the way the series was going, there was so much potential that was left untapped. The finale could have been phenomenal. Looking back, there weren't much action sequences. Most of the time there was suspense and drama. A little more action would've spiced things up a bit, plus showcase the powers of the characters. Heck, even one big action sequence at the finale would suffice. All that build up was just for that? Sylar died like that?! Just like that? There should've been one long battle between Peter and Sylar, instead we get almost nothing. The main villain died so suddenly. And then we have more drama between Peter and his big brother. MAybe I'm nitpicking, but all that drama made the show look like some soap opera with the main characters having superpowers to add variety. Overall, I'd still give the show 4 1/2 stars out of five. A so-so finale can't really spoil the whole season. I just hope the next season will be much better. More twists, more suspense... and much more action packed. I'm just not sure how they can go uphill. The premise of the first season was nothing short of spectacular... And the preview we got of season 2 wasn't that much exciting.

Lost Soul

I used to say I couldn't remember the last time I was REALLY happy. Most days, I try to show a smiling face, pretending to be glad. Sure, there are sporadic comedic moments, allowing genuine laughter, but most days I'm indifferent. Feeling alone, with a million thoughts running through my head. drenched in nothingness. At times drenched in misery. Futility. hopelessness.

Two days ago, I decided to quit my job as a first year surgery resident. For good, this time. I was really happy then. Even more so when my family supported my decision wholeheartedly. No more lines like "there's no quitter in our family". It like the weight of the world was taken off my shoulders. Yet now, I'm stuck in limbo. I feel numb, indifference. I hate the fact that happiness can be so fleeting.

I didn't mean to quit that time. Everything was going smoothly--- Ok, I had several fuck ups last friday, and if I was all sensitive they'd be reasons for quitting. But for the past few months I've learned the art of hearing something on one ear and then letting everything out on the other, so any emotional pain I've felt was gone in a few hours. I deserved to be scolded, anyway. Basic things that should already be inherent, that should already be part of my reflex were forgotten. One glaring example of how my work has become so sloppy. I guess when you're not 100% into what you're doing, it shows in your work. You fuck up. You become sloppy. And it only gets worse.

Saturday morning i woke up late. Make that extremely late. Ideally we should be back in the hospital at 4 am, but we manage to sneak in without getting caught if we arrive there at 6 AM at the latest. Arrive at 7AM and you'll be late for an operation. You'd be scolded. You'd have to treat the entire team for lunch or dinner at a nearby restaurant. Arriving at 7AM is considered a mortal sin. Imagine what they'd call arriving at 12 noon.

I was trying to find the right time to show my face. jeez, what was I supposed to say? I woke up VERY late? I missed a lot of calls, starting at 6:30 AM. The team has finished their rounds in the hospital. What else was there to do? I was ashamed to show my face just in time for endorsements. I was trying to make up some better excuse. I was ashamed. Also Afraid. My seniors were calling again, still I didn't answer their calls. I've been warned before that if I don't shape up I would be reported to the training committee. I could get fired. The clock kept on ticking, and before I knew it, the sun has set. What's pathetic was I was either inside my car or at the dorm the whole time, moving back and forth... I didn't even eat a single meal. I was like a turtle who chose to keep hiding in its shell, hoping all troubles would have gone away by the time it shows its head. I was more than pathetic. I was crazy. A LUNATIC.

Sunday morning I woke up at the the dorm. Miraculously late again, even though I practically slept the whole saturday away. Just goes to show I've lost all motivation, I guess. I received a text message, or should I say Ultimatum. If I still wanted to do surgery, then I should show my face on that very day. If I decide to show up the next day, then I'd better not because I would no longer be welcome. I found it hard to decide. I've been indecisive for a very long time. 50% of me wants to go on, while 50% wants to leave. I equally want to stay and go, so i didn't know what to choose. After some thought, I know that if I stayed, I'd remain sloppy because of my indecisiveness. I can't give 100%. I don't have enough motivation to drive me. I'd just bring the whole team down. Ultimately, I chose to go. And Yeah, that text message/ sermon I got from my pudgy batchmate who's acting like a senior helped a bit in my decision making. I told my family abut my decision, and I told them for the first time what life as a first year surgery resident in PGH was REALLY all about. What we have to go through. From the outside, It may seem like getting into the residency program is something prestigious, or something like winning the lottery, but it's not. There's nothing prestigious in what we're doing. Sure, we help people, we save lives... but at what costs? We sacrifice our own health, and many times for people who are so ungrateful. We don't even get the luxury of "thank yous" at times. Plus the system sucks. A lot has to be changed. Why do they refer to it as work when we're not really earning? our salaries are spent to buy for our patient's needs and medications, or to keep the stomachs of our seniors full. I sincerely want to help, but there's such a thing as helping too much, that there's nothing left for yourself. What if I already have a family to support? Would that be an acceptable excuse, that I spent my earnings to help our less privileged brothers and sisters? not everyone can afford to be saints. The hospital director, sitting high and mighty on his throne, can't be much help either. He says he can't understand why we keep on shelling out for patients when there are funds allocated for every department. If e only took some time to get off that throne, he'd see that those funds are practically non existent, used up within a few weeks after they've been given out.

It wasn't about how hard the job is. I got used to not eating, not sleeping, not taking baths... I got used to being scolded, that I have become numb. It's just that everything has become so impractical. The whole system sucks and I refused to take a part in it any longer. So I quit.

And then, I was happy.

And now, I'm back to where I started.

Ambivalence. Indecisiveness. Nothing has changed, really. It's still 50-50. Part of me wants to go back. I do miss surgery. It's the only thing that I found interesting in the medical profession. It was like having an epiphany for someone who didn't want to be in the medical profession in the first place. In a sea of ennui, I found something i liked, the very minute I was exposed to surgery. Sure, I get sleepy
after all those lectures, and life outside the operating room can be synonymous to slavery, and sure I get sleepy when I'm assisting at operations... but when It is i who hold the scalpel in my hands, the emotional high is indescribable. A friend told me that I should go back because even if I say I don't want to do surgery anymore, she says she can see it in my eyes that it is what I want to do. Either I don't realize it or I'm just denying it. She knew it was what I want to to the rest of my life when rotated in surgery as interns, and she still sees the same desire now. I wonder is she's right, if she can see through me more than I can see through myself.

Like a lost soul, I still don't know which path to take. I thought I had direction when I entered a residency program, but the fact is I'm still in limbo. All these years I remain in limbo. I should get another job soon. Just three days of rest and I seem to be craving work. I guess I got so used to abuse that I'm having withdrawal symptoms. I need to find another job so that I could move on, so that I could forget. Else I might do the unthinkable...

I might go back to where I've been for the last seven months. 50-50. A huge part of me still wants to.