Now I remember one reason why applied for residency in surgery in PGH even though I was aware of how unphysiologic the work can get.
I wanted to keep some distance from my family.
I hope I'm not sounding ungrateful here, but when I'm with them everyday, I feel shackled. Strangled, even. Maybe it's caring too much, when my grandmother gets so nervous when I'm out with friends and I'm not home by 12 midnight, or when she gets so agitated as I cross the street--- EVEN AT MY CURRENT AGE. OR when they need to remind me of things that I already know, of things that I'm aware that I'm supposed to do and I'm just taking my time, or when then bug me about things that they think they know better. geez. That's the same reason why I wanted to take the USMLE as soon as i graduated years ago---if I remain in this country, I'll forever feel shackled.
If there's one good change that happened in me during the last seven months, it's that I learned to miss my family. I actually longed for their company. I looked forward to those weekends when I can go home early because that's when I get to spend some time with them, usually over dinner. With my schedule, I never got to see them on weekdays because by the time I get home, almost everyone is asleep, and I usually leave when everyone is still asleep. When i go home during weekdays, I usually stay at home for 4 hours maximum, which isn't really going home at all. I chereished every moment, because for the past few months, it didn't feel like i was in chains. Maybe because for the past few months, I was receiving just the right amount of family care and attention, or maybe even less than the minimum amount.
Now all that longing and craving are gone.
What's with all the fuss with this bruise that they saw on my shoulders. Jumping to conclusions as to how I got it, that I was in a fight, applying unorthordox external medications... crap, I'm no four year old who can't care for a simple bruise. Wht's with my grandmother just sitting in my room just watching me... or is it staring... then occasionally patting my head, runnnig her fingers through my hair... and what's with the persistent voices that keep on telling me to eat and eat so that I could gain back all the weight I lost, what's with all the food being shoved at my side of the dining table.... man, can't I eat when I want to eat? can't I decide what I wan't to eat? And the self proclaimed head of the family, possibly one of the biggerst hypocrites I know, keep on pestering me with his sermons and so called sound advice, and showing how he's so pissed when Im not paying much attention--- on how I should decide what I want to do immediately, I can't take too much time off, I should submit the proper resignation papers now, on how I can't be unemployed for too long.... all this coming from a man who has been umemployed almost all my life.
Talk about hypocrisy.
Or maybe it's sound advice coming from a man who has more experience, not wanting his son to commit the same mistakes?
Yeah right. I'm willing to bet it's simply the former. He's right about one thing though. I really have to get a new job ASAP, if only to get away from it all, to release myself from the shackles. God knows I don't need any more motivation. Just thinking that I might become just like Mr. Hypocrite here is incentive enough.
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