The End of an Era

Yesterday, I finally had my resignation papers signed by my immediate superior and by the department head. I should have done it weeks ago, but it was quite difficult to find the people who were supposed to sign the stupid paper. Both of them asked if I was sure. Deep inside, I know that i wasn't sure. It was still 50-50. Half of me wants to go back, the other half wants to leave. Of course I couldn't say that. It would probably lead to lengthy discussion. I said i was sure, just to get it over with. They asked why, and i can't seem to think of a proper answer. Heck, I couldn't think of the right answer. I couldn't tell them about the events that transpired before I finally called it quits--- even I think what happened was loony. I just blurted out something generic... something so generic it had to be believable.

I know I haven't been reporting for duties for more than three weeks now, but it was only yesterday that I've had the realization that this is it--- I have resigned. It's final. There's no turning back. As the secretary in the personnel division crossed out my name from the list of employees, in front of my very eyes, I couldn't help but feel--- sad. Maybe there's even a hint of regret there. I thought I'd feel indifferent. Maybe because I never really wanted to leave, at least I wasn't a hundred percent sure about my decision. Yeah, I'm glad I've been eating and sleeping well for the past three weeks, I even had a social life again. But there's this part of me that still wants to stay... the part who remembers how much I wanted to get accepted in the Surgery program a year ago...The part who remembers how competitive I was back then, how hard I tried to impress the seniors and consultants just so that I could get in... the part who remembers how hard it was to complete the requirements... the part of me who swore tat he would treasure becoming a medical officer, knowing all the hardships I encountered along the way.

It's been a crazy month. If I didn't wake up late o that fateful Saturday morning, i would probably still be awake at this ungodly hour, assisting some operation, checking up on patients at the wards, or attending to some patients at the emergency room, instead of staring at my laptop's screen as I'm slowly typing these words.

It's funny. When I got home earlier, my parents suddenly changed their tune. They want me to go back. Huh?! Why only now? After 3 weeks of being a bum, it's only now that they're trying to convince me. Turns out they had this long talk with my grandmother's physician when they accompanied her during her check up earlier. The bottom line was, it was explained to them that what I encountered was fairly common, quitting was a mistake, and there's no better place to undergo training--- at least that's his opinion. Also, just a few hours after I submitted the resignation papers, the chief resident called. He was going to convince me to go back, but I told him I already submitted the resignation papers. The timing was so funny, if I was in the proper mood I would have laughed out loud. Again, why only now? After three weeks, and just when I made my resignation formal. There's no turning back. I've put the nail in the coffin. There's no use brooding if leaving was a mistake or not, because there's nothing I could do about it. What's done is done.

I hope I'll be making the right decisions in the future... I hope I'll pick the right path. I need some form of enlightenment, because after three weeks of doing nothing, I've had all the time needed to think and decide--- and still, I don't know what I really want to do with my life.

It's the end of an era... maybe it's an era that shouldn't have ended so abruptly. Still, I have to move on to the next one, and hope that things will be much better.